Finding Comfort: Aimee's Journey Through Alcoholism and Faith

Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Aimee.

Sorry, I kind of lost it.

I was hoping you'd say someone else's name.

Okay, thank you.

I'm Aimee, I'm an alcoholic.

God, it doesn't matter how many times I do this.

Like, I'm always like super chill, like coming in the meeting and oh, hi, and sitting there and listening to other people and it's so great.

And then like the 12 traditions I read and I like, I'm like, I just want to throw up.

And I think about everything I ate.

I start to feel that and then I think about like, what did I eat?

And then I was telling Jennifer like I ate this like big huge bag of like, they're new, hazelnut M&Ms.

It's like Nutellas.

But then my tummy was like, no.

And then I loaded up a coffee like with sugar.

Because for why? I don't know.

I was like, I'm gonna load this up.

I never do this.

I told the lady.

Who is sitting, standing next to me like, I never put this much sugar in my coffee.

And I don't know why I do that.

It's like when my husband goes out of town.

I, he's like, don't watch horror movies.

And it's like, I always watch horror movies.

And then I don't sleep the whole time he's gone.

And sometimes he's gone fishing for like six days.

And I'm like, useless.

Because I think, you know, ghosts and demons and everything's gonna murder me.

So sober.

So sober, but sick still.

So my sobriety date is November 15, 2002.

I want to thank Oscar for asking me to come share here.

I've been here a couple of times.

This is a really welcoming, really warm, nice AA group.

So I want to thank you all for that.

Thank you to the speakers.

And hi.

He got up there and then I saw you.

I know, I know them.

But thank you so much.

And thank you, Maggie.

Oh, my God.

It's just been a great meeting up till now.

So, and I want to apologize to like the two people who were at a meeting I talked at last Sunday.

I thought about like, oh, I'll just change things, but I'm not going to.

But hopefully some things will always stay the same.

And then, you know, hopefully some things will be different.

But, you know, the important thing is I have been taught and I do suit up and show up for a lot of things.

I'm going to suit up and show up for my commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't like to do this, you know.

You know, it's I'm an introvert, you know, and it's more comfortable now than it ever was to like walk into a room of people most who don't know you, you know.

And then some people, it's getting easier now.

But, you know, if I showed up, oh, I heard you already.

And then, you know, that mind, that alcoholic mind starts going in.

It's like, oh, my God.

They hate me.

They're bummed out.

They like wish they went to another meeting.

But what I know is that I go, God puts people like Oscar in my path, you know, and I just have to say yes.

And I just have to show up when I've said yes and promise to be there.

My mentor's mentor said to him, you know, if the date's open, it belongs to them, you know.

And there is honestly like nothing I would rather do.

Then talk about Alcoholics Anonymous and how it changed my whole life, you know.

So, you know, I I grew up I had a I had a wonderful life, you know, and I didn't know that until not just getting sober, but doing like an inventory, maybe two and living sober for maybe two or three or four years in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had no idea.

I had no idea how good I had it.

You know, my parents are still married.

They're amazing, loving, generous people.

They were then they are now.

I grew up with so much opportunity.

I grew up in West L.A.

I went to this amazing like French school.

My I went to, you know, Paris, you know, with that school and London.

And, you know, we just had all this.

You know, I just remember.

I remember.

I remember complaining, you know, about like, oh, we're going to another museum.

You know, we're going to another play.

You know, we're going to see another musical.

And and like, I can't take my I can't do that for my kids.

I mean, we could probably go to museums because they're free.

But but like, I can't take them to see, you know, like Les Miserables, you know.

And I got to do amazing things, you know, and I never appreciated anything.

You know, my parents, for no reason, you know, and I mean, if I really if I really think about it, if I want to think about it, I you know, my parents are mixed race.

And I went to a school, always the French school.

And I went to we moved out to the valley when I was 11 and I went to Chaminade or no, I went to the French school here and then I went to Chaminade.

But for most of my school life, I went to school with like all white kids, you know, and especially when I was younger.

It was very.

I noticed it a lot, you know, that I was different.

And I think I hated them for that.

And and, you know, looking back and knowing what I know now and knowing them, you know, as people, I can see like how brave, you know, they were to to do that at that time, you know.

And and I just you know, I feel like I was born an alcoholic.

I, you know, totally identify with with that fear.

I wouldn't I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got there.

I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got there.

I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got here.

I wouldn't have known what to call it when I got here.

You know, I, you know, more than anything was like just painfully self-conscious, you know, just always afraid of like what what you were thinking or what, you know, like, how do I, you know, like my mind was just always on.

Did I what what should I say?

And then saying something and like, was that OK?

How did that, you know, play?

And and did I do this right?

You know, just and I think about like how I, you know, just living every second like that.

Like, is it OK? Is it OK?

Am I OK? Am I OK?

Like that? That's that was me, you know.

And no wonder, you know, no wonder I needed a drink, you know.

And and I'm an alcoholic because alcohol was the thing that that made me OK.

You know, I was 14 years old when I had my first drink.

It was before a homecoming dance.

And it was the.

It was the first time I ever went out with a boy.

And we went to I don't remember.

I want to say it was Nat Park, but I don't think so.

We went to a park by the school and we drank vodka and orange juice.

And I like made out with my date and puked and blacked out.

And that's pretty much like my whole drunk log.

That's what happened to me every single time I drank from my first drink to my last drink was I was a puking blackout make out drunk.

And I don't know what reminded me of it.

But I thought about like.

You know, that that that's what I did.

And there was this one party, probably one of my first parties, you know, in this big house.

And I think that night and I had just started, you know, like, you know, I had never kissed a boy until that homecoming.

But then, you know, then like my first party after that, I ended up kissing like three boys.

And and one of them was whatever.

And then one of them was my friend's boyfriend.

And then one of them was this boy I really liked.

You know, I actually liked him.

And I don't know why I'm thinking about this.

But and then after that night, you know, he heard that I kissed like two other boys.

And and that that opportunity was gone, you know, and he ended up, you know, dating this other girl for like three years.

Meanwhile, I'm like, you know, just, you know, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

You know, nobody nobody stuck around.

Nobody stuck around is the point.

So, you know, from the get go.

I've never been a conformist.

I've never been a controlled drinker.

I've never been appropriate when I drank.

I was always covered in puke or, you know, puking or, you know, I remember I just it was never it never worked for me.

It never never worked for me.

You know, it got in the way of all things, you know, and I remember things that were important to me, you know, and it seems petty.

But I remember things like I went to college in Santa Cruz.

I love Santa Cruz.

It's such a small town.

Like I would drive my car at the beginning of the night.

And then wake up without my car the next day.

And then someone would just call me and be like, hey, your car's in my yard.

And I would just walk.

I can walk there and like go get it.

And it was no big deal, you know.

And then when I moved back to L.A., I would drive my car and like park it in like no parking places.

And then I would have to pay two thousand dollars to get it out of impound like the next day.

So the consequences got worse.

But it was L.A.

But yeah.

So when I was living in Santa Cruz, they were re-releasing.

I was huge.

I'm a huge Star Wars fan.

And they were re-releasing episode four, A New Hope, which was technically the first movie.

And I won't get too nerdy, but they were re-releasing it in theaters.

And it was a big deal back then because they just there was no Star Wars in theaters.

You know, it's not like how it is now in my day.

And so it was a big deal.

And I was super excited.

And we were pumped for it for so long.

And it was so many of us.

And then we went to the bar across the street, you know, before the movie.

And then we got into the movie and it was so energized and everyone was excited and cheering.

And it starts with that music and the words.

And then I remember opening my eyes and it's the end of the movie and they're getting their medals.

And it was just another thing to be like, oh, you know, oh, well, you know.

And that's what alcohol.

That's how it worked in my life, you know.

And the reason I, you know, and the reason I continue to drink, I think, is because what it did do for me was it took all that anxiety away, you know.

Like when I drank, like I felt okay, you know.

And I never felt like on top of the world, like awesome, like elated, you know.

But I felt okay, you know.

And I felt like I deserved to be here, you know.

I felt like.

I felt like I didn't care, you know, what you thought of me.

Like and that's the only time I ever felt that way, you know.

But what happened because I was such an inappropriate, out of control, awful drinker was that I would just hurt people.

Every time I drank, I would hurt people in some way, you know.

My friends, you know, with their boyfriends or I'd take their, you know, I'd ruin their night just because someone had to take care of me, you know.

I'd be the designated driver and I would be drunk, you know, at the end of the night.

And in my mind, it'd be like, well, you're stupid for thinking of putting me in the rotation, you know.

And I just, I couldn't, I couldn't think of other people and responsibility and, you know, and I had no control.

I just knew.

When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have a problem like admitting my powerlessness over alcohol.

I had known for a long time that I was powerless.

Yeah.

I was powerless over alcohol because I knew, you know, there were times when I shouldn't drink, you know, like on a job interview or, you know, driving anywhere.

Or when someone specifically asked me, like, can you please not drink or can you please show up not drunk, you know.

And, of course, I'd be offended.

But I couldn't, you know.

The honest answer, if I was able to give it, would have been like, no, you know, I can't, you know, please don't ask me to show up.

But then if they didn't, I couldn't.

I'd be like, I can't believe they didn't ask me to show up.

So I knew I was powerless over alcohol.

And I knew my life was unmanageable.

And because I not only, I mean, I just couldn't function in any capacity.

I couldn't keep a job.

I couldn't not crash my car.

I couldn't not get evicted.

And, you know, the biggest thing for me was I was completely reliant on other people, you know.

Once I separated from my parents, it was relationships, you know.

And I had to have a relationship.

A relationship to, like, live, to support me, you know.

Because I couldn't do anything for myself, you know.

I was too afraid, you know.

And so as a result, and the more out of control I got drinking, like, the harder it was to hold on to those relationships.

In my meeting this morning, I was talking about how, like, my first serious relationship post high school, my first college boyfriend, lasted four years, you know.

And it ended tragically.

Because of me, you know.

I did something, my God, it was like the bomb on my inventory.

I called it the bomb, you know.

It was this lie that I told that I thought made me the worst person in the whole world, you know.

And that's what ended that relationship.

And he didn't deserve it and neither did all the people that it affected.

You know, a lot of people.

Police officers, his friends, my parents.

It was a horrible lie.

And then my relationship after that.

Lasted two years, you know.

And that ended horribly, you know.

With, you know, I destroyed his whole family, you know.

I caused pain, too.

And then my next one was, like, a year.

And then my next one was, like, and then I started the rehab track, you know, where it was, like, you know, two months, you know.

Or, like, two weeks, you know.

And I remember, like, talking about fear.

Like, I remember when I, what it felt like when I felt that person pulling away, you know.

Because I knew.

Like, I knew when, you know, they were trying to, you know, escape.

And my fear wasn't that, oh, you know, I'm going to miss him.

It was what's going to happen to me, you know.

Like, where am I going to live?

Who's going to take me places?

How am I going to eat?

How am I going to drink, you know?

How am I going to get whatever else I'm doing, you know, at that time?

And so what happened?

So, you know, I did the rehab.

I did the rehab thing.

My parents put me in a 28-day program in Palm Desert.

I think I was 24 because the guys were gone.

So I landed back at my parents, you know.

And so I couldn't drink, you know.

And so I went.

And it's not that that place wasn't.

Has anyone ever knocked this over?

I feel like that was about to happen.

So I, yeah, so, you know, I didn't want to get sober.

I'm sure it was a good program or is a good program.

They send me, like.

They send me, like, donor.

Because my parents paid for it.

And I still get mail from this place, like, asking for, like, you know, like, to buy a $10,000, like, you know, benefit ticket or whatever.

And I'm like, oh, my God.

I don't know who they think they're sending the statement.

But, yeah, and what I did there for 28 days was I, you know, I ate frozen yogurt and I played ping pong and I fraternized.

And I left there, you know, with my parents.

You know, with, like, my $40,000 big book on my parents' dime.

And I stayed sober for four days.

And I hit a worse bottom.

I dragged my parents through some more pain, you know, and some more hell.

You know, and the things I did when I think about it, the way that I hurt people, you know, I wasn't, like, a scrappy.

I'm still not.

I'm not a scrappy person, you know.

I had these friends who would, like, love to, like, you know, talk big.

And, you know, like, provoke girls and, like, ball their fists up.

And I was, like, I was never that person.

Like, I've never, like, I would never, you know.

If someone wanted to fight me, I'd be, like, oh, my God, and start crying.

My reaction and it's, like, it was my manipulation, too, was just, like, oh, you know, that's how I got things.

Like, oh, you know, like, whoever, you know.

And, you know, that's how I got by.

But.

So, and I hit this worse bottom and I hurt my parents.

And then they sent me to a 90-day program in Simi Valley.

And I was good at completing programs because, number one, I had, like, nowhere else to go, you know.

So, I had to do it for survival.

And I could say, you know, what I needed to say.

And what I did at this program was I basically fraternized for 90 days.

I had, or three months.

Yeah, same thing.

I have two master's degrees.

How many days?

In sobriety that happened.

The end.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

So, and I, yeah, I had, like, three boyfriends in 90 days.

And some of them already had girlfriends and fiancés.

And I had no principles before Alcoholics Anonymous.

And that's why I say, like, I just hurt people, you know.

I had no.

I would never have thought about the fiancé of the guy that was giving me attention, you know.

Or, you know, I just, I didn't have the capability to think that way, you know.

And it still amazes me that something, something broke through, you know, that I have that capability today.

I can't say that, you know, maybe it's a result of, you know, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and learning how to live this way of life.

And life is a lot easier with that ability, you know.

I don't step on as many toes when I'm able to think of others, you know.

And the book tells me that my life depends on it.

So, I want to stay here.

I love the life that I have.

So, you know, and it's not conscious, you know.

That's what I love about, I love about these steps and just this, you know, design for living.

It's just, like, I suit up.

I show up.

I do, you know.

I just do.

And then it, like, it, like, infiltrates you, you know.

I don't have to think, like, oh, I need to do this or, oh, I need to do that.

I used to do that.

I used to think of, like, video games where it would give you, like, instructions.

Like, use your hammer, you know.

Like, I don't need that.

Like, I feel like I suit up and show up and learn how to live this way of life.

Like, learn, apply these principles, go through all the steps and then learn how to apply these principles in my daily living.

Not perfectly, but I had a sponsor that, like, was, like, practice, practice, practice, you know.

And as long as I don't drink, I get to practice, practice, practice, you know.

And it just becomes, you know.

And I, it's, like, I think about.

I think about employers that I've had.

I've had a lot of jobs in sobriety.

I finally landed somewhere that I like.

It only took 16 years.

But, you know, one of my bosses, I remember telling her, or her telling me, like, you're, you know, calling me authentic.

You know, what I really love about you is you're authentic.

And then my new supervisor was telling me, like, you're so considerate, you know.

And every time I get a compliment like that, I know that it's Alcoholics Anonymous.

I know I didn't have that before I got here.

You know, you've taught me how to be considerate and kind and real and honest, you know.

And I like to live that way.

I like it.

I'm unburdened, you know, when I learn how to live that way.

But it took, it took working through the steps and feeling uncomfortable in the process, you know, to get there.

And it was a long, it's just been a long road for me, you know.

But thank God for good sponsorship and a good home group.

And just amazing examples of Alcoholics Anonymous in my life.

But after this 90-day program in Simi Valley, I, you know, I completed.

And that night I had the guy I was seeing come pick me up.

And, you know, I, well, I didn't get alcohol right away.

Like, I did his drug of choice.

I think about that, like, peculiar mental twist.

And I thought, like, if I do his drug of choice, because I had never done it before, that it wouldn't be a relapse.

But I didn't like him.

Like, I cared about relapse.

You know?

I didn't care.

I didn't care about Alcoholics Anonymous, you know.

And anyway, I drank.

And then I just, I kind of wreaked havoc in Simi Valley, you know.

And the only people I knew were AA people.

So those were the people that I was, you know, taking advantage of.

And, you know, that thing.

And they were renting me rooms and giving me rides and giving me jobs and letting me, like, nanny their kids.

And I was, you know, drinking and, you know, snorting their kids Ritalin.

And, you know, it was just, it was.

It was bad.

And that's where I hit my bottom, you know.

Or for me, I hit many bottom.

Many things that you could label, like, bottom.

Like, bottom, bottom, bottom.

But what happened to me when I was, I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic.

I was living there and alcohol stopped working.

You know?

And it had stopped making me feel okay, like, a long time before that.

But what it was still helping to do was, like, cover up the feelings that came from that.

The feelings that came from, you know, hurting people everywhere I went.

And being that person I was, like, really honestly disgusted to be was disgusted with myself and who I was and what I was doing.

And alcohol helped me not feel that way.

And then it didn't, you know.

And then I couldn't drink enough to not feel.

And I felt those things, like, every minute of every day.

And that's when I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic.

And what that looked like for me was, like, I'm an alcoholic.

Because I always knew I was an alcoholic.

But that means I can't drink.

You know?

And I love in the big book where it says, talks about the jumping off place.

And it says, there will come a time when man can't imagine life either with or without alcohol.

Then he will know loneliness such as few do.

He'll be at the jumping off place.

He'll wish for the end.

And that's exactly what happened to me was I realized I couldn't drink anymore.

And I had a decision to make.

You know?

And I think about, like, it wasn't my choice to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know?

And that's just God's grace that I made it here.

You know?

And it's never lost on me that it wasn't my decision, you know, to come here.

I chose the other path.

And when the big book says, like, you know, here's your two choices.

And I love the book.

I love.

I feel like it's written for me because it only gives you two choices.

You know?

Like, God is or he isn't.

You know?

And it's, like, that's for someone like me.

Like, it has to be that simple.

You know?

So it's, like, I'm, like, well, I guess he is.

I don't know.

You know?

And then where it says, like, we had two choices.

You know?

We could go on to the bitter end, like, blotting out the, you know, whatever pain of our existence.

Or we can, you know, accept spiritual help or learn how to walk the spiritual path, something like that.

And, like, I chose the bitter end.

You know?

Like, that was my choice.

I did not want to be a part of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't want to live without alcohol.

And I didn't want to be a part specifically of Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know?

Because I knew.

I knew that that was the way.

Right?

If I was going to choose the other thing, that Alcoholics Anonymous would have to be

a part of it.

You know?

I didn't know anything else.

I didn't.

There was no, like, you know, Buddhist thing at the time.

Thank God.

Thank God.

So what happened was I was in Simi Valley.

And I had a plan.

You know?

My parents were out of town on vacation.

They live in Woodland Hills.

We had a dog at the time who had epilepsy who took barbiturates to treat that.

And I knew, you know, where they were because I also used to take them.

And so I was living in Simi Valley.

At this point in time, I was dating my sponsor's stepson.

And I was 27 and he was 19.

And he dumped me.

I was, like, two bottles of wine into the night.

And he dumped me.

He's like, I love you, but you're crazy.

And that's how all my relationships used to end.

Like, I love you, but you're crazy.

And I say this a lot.

But my husband, who is, everyone loves him.

And he's a great speaker if you need somebody.

And, you know, he's friends with, like, every girl he's ever known on Facebook.

And, like, when we got together, I told him, like, you don't have to worry about any of that with me.

Like, I crazied everybody away.

Like, nobody is going to look for me.

And to this day, like, nobody has looked for me.

And, you know, when I feel sorry for myself about it, like, I hear my sponsor's voice and I'm like, God's rejection.

God's protection.

So that's how my sponsor sounds in my head.

So not what she sounds like in real life.

But so I called a cab.

I did that thing where I'm like, let me out of the car.

And he did.

And I was, like, on a dirt road in Simi Valley with $60 in my pocket and a plan.

And I called a cab.

And I got to my parents' house.

And I had, you know, I had to break into my parents' house because I was no longer welcome there.

And I crawled through the dog door.

And I remember getting stuck because I remember thinking, like, how dare they?

You know, how dare they make me break into my own house like a dog?

And that's, you know, that was my attitude towards them.

You know, when I charged up their credit cards and put them back, I guess, they were like, we're not going to press charges against you.

And I was like, how dare you?

You know, I'm your daughter.

And, you know, I just, that's, I got that.

God lets me have those memories, like, fresh.

You know, I just, I can see my dad's face, you know, when I was supposed to be being sober and going to meetings, like, with an empty, you know, jug of, like, vodka.

And, you know, the pain in his face.

And then, like, me saying, like, no, that's not mine.

You know?

And, like, I remember, and I couldn't even lie good.

I was a liar who couldn't, like, lie.

I couldn't think of anything.

I'd just be like, no, that's not mine.

You know?

I was like, oh, that's old or, you know, whatever.

I was just like, no, no.

And I remember, like, the pain in his face.

And I remember my, I remember thinking, like, I knew he knew I was lying.

I knew it.

I know, I know he knows I'm lying.

And I still, like, couldn't own up to it.

I couldn't tell the truth.

I couldn't.

And I think that's what I hated the most about myself was I just, I couldn't.

You know?

Even when it's, like, the game's up.

You know?

When you're red-handed, you're like, no, I'm not holding this water.

You know?

You know?

Somebody put it there.

And not being able to do that.

You know?

That's the biggest freedom I found, living in Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's, like, I can tell you, like, I'm pretty frickin' honest.

You know?

Like, I don't like the burden of dishonesty anymore.

You know?

I just, God, you know, I've learned how to live differently.

I know what it feels like to be free.

You know?

And I'd rather just feel like I'm free.

You know?

Like, I don't like the burden of dishonesty anymore.

You know?

I just, God, you know, I've learned how to live differently.

I know what it feels like to be free.

You know?

And I'd rather just feel that way.

You know?

And when I mess up, I messed up.

You know?

I've messed up at work.

I've messed up, I mess up a lot.

You know?

And when I'm able to say, and, you know, regardless of the consequences, you know,

I've, I've lived, God has showed up for me enough in my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous

that I just trust that if I'm free, I'm going to be free.

You know?

And when I'm able to say, and, you know, regardless of the consequences, you know,

I've, I've lived, God has showed up for me enough in my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous

that I just trust that if I lost that job because of that mess up, there you go.

You know?

It's, God has something better.

You know?

If, if I lost that relationship, God has something better.

You know?

I just, I believe that today.

You know?

But it took a while to get there.

And so, you know, what happened at my parents house that night was, I did get in there.

I did get to those pills.

I took almost the whole bottle.

My plan was good.

I got the medication, and, you know, the little liposuction, and, and I was like, okay,

this is okay.

You know, I'm a little bit better.

I think you know, you know, if, if I lost that job, I'm going to be better.

You know?

But it took a while to get there.

And so, you know, God has shown up for me enough in my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous

that I just trust that if I lost that job because of that mess up, there you go.

You know?

something better you know I just it I believe that today you know but it took

a while to get there and so you know what happened at my parents house that

night was I did get in there I did get to those pills I took almost the whole

bottle my plan was good I like to stress it you know I really really really

wanted to die you know and I am I took I left like seven for the dog and I took

those pills and I went down to the den because that's who I was thinking about

and I I took all those pills and and you know I read these meditation books

in the morning it's part of my like discipline I read the daily reflections

and then 24 hours a day and I don't remember they're certain I'm such like

an AA nerd like sometimes I have like favorite days or whatever and so like

because you get to the same day every year and sometimes I'll get to one I'll

be like oh I love this one you know and one of them and I don't know which book

it's in but um

like one of them talks about like how God sometimes we don't we don't have to

say words to God like I don't have to verbalize May my prayer you know that

God knows what's in my heart you know and um I remember reading that one year

and I'm thinking because I know I I know when I say like I wanted to die my it

was very purposeful you know what I did with those pills but that I think maybe

you know maybe I had one of those heart prayers and maybe I wanted to live in

and God heard that, you know, and I am amazed at the God that I found in Alcoholics Anonymous,

you know, and I'm so grateful. So I didn't die, obviously. And, and I love what I love when I talk

and you don't have to do it, just because I'm saying it right now. But like, sometimes, you

know, someone will come up and thank me afterwards. And they'll be like, I am so glad you didn't die.

And I'm almost like, that's so nice. I'm glad I didn't die. You know, like, I just think that's

so nice. But please don't feel obligated. Someone should just joke and be like, I wish you died.

Anyway. But and then I'll go home to my husband and be like, someone did the meanest thing.

But he'll probably think like, yeah, I wish I wish that too. But but so my God was working in my life

a long time before I acknowledged him or allowed him to because my brother who was a grown up,

who didn't live at the house, he lived somewhere else was there at the house. And he called the

paramedics. And I woke up in ICU, I don't know how many days later, and opened my eyes and realized

I wasn't dead. And my first thought was F you God, you know, and I didn't have a relationship with

God before Alcoholics Anonymous. I believed in God because I was raised a certain way. But,

you know, I didn't have a relation. I can tell you, we parted ways. When I was 15,

I dropped out of confirmation, you know, and I just thought there's God in his,

his people, and me and smart people. And that's the way it's going to be. And, and I love in we

agnostics where it says deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God,

because I think when I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't dead, that I knew it was God's fault,

you know, and that's, that's where I had to go, you know, in order for me to accept my place in

Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, that's where I had to go. I'm so grateful that I had to go there,

you know, because I was released from the, you know, psych ward, they moved me up to the psych

ward after I cleared medically, and where I, you know, was just trying to fraternize.

And God was working in my life again, because it was a social worker. And he, he one day was like,

Oh, I have these two place, I found two rehabs for you to go to this, my parents were done. And I

said, You can go to Santa Monica, or you can go to Sylmar. And I said, Well, I want to go to Santa

Monica, because I like the beach, and I like surfers. And there's like a two story anthropology.

I was at all of you with like, no insurance, no money, no nothing. And, and he's like, Okay,

they have a bed tomorrow. But this place in Sylmar has a bed today. And I was I just want to get out

of there because you couldn't smoke. So I was like, fine, I'll go to Sylmar. And I was already

in Sylmar. And it ended up being, you know, six month all women's recovery home. And that's where

my life changed, you know, and I remember getting to the gate and this woman, you know, like, Hi,

I'm your big sister, we're gonna love you till you love yourself. And I was like, whatever,

you know, like, I honestly felt at that moment, like, God wins, like taking those pills was the

last idea I had, you know, I had nothing left after that. And I felt like, God wins, my punishment is,

you know, my penance and my punishment is to, you know, live, you know, here with you, you know,

and I felt that way when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous to my home group, you know, like,

yeah, okay, you know, whatever, you know, and,

I'm so grateful for the patience of the people in my home group, you know. I stayed at that recovery

home for six months, I got a sponsor, I worked the steps to and was honest to, you know, the best of

my ability. I decided somewhere around step seven, like this is okay, I can do this, you know, I can

live in Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor was big on the foundation. And she told me the story,

the three little pigs, and she said, you can build your house with straw sticks or bricks,

because the big bad wolf will come and try to blow your house down. And I, I went on staff at that

recovery home for nine months, and then I lived at their sober living for a year. And then I lived

with my sponsor for a year. And I didn't make any of those decisions. I didn't say I'm going to live

with, you know, at sober living for a year. I didn't have any other options. My experience

in Alcoholics Anonymous is that God, you know, I complained the first three years of my sobriety

about the stuff I didn't have the stuff that these other girls had, you know, at six months

completed. And I said, I'm going to live with my sponsor for a year. And I said, I'm going to live with

my sponsor for a year. And I said, I'm going to live with my sponsor for a year. And I said, I'm going to

go out into the world having babies, getting boyfriends, driving cars, shopping Starbucks.

And I would call my sponsor and be like, I'm taking the bus. I have these commitments, you know,

I'm getting a court card sign, like I don't, you know, those pigs are having fun. And I have

nothing, you know, and she'd say, what kind of sobriety do you want? I mean, I want to get

sobriety, you know, so I kept plugging along. And a lot of those girls aren't here, you know,

some are in, some are out, some are dead, you know, and I haven't been sober all that long,

but I've been sober long enough to see young women die, you know, and those babies that those

women had, they don't have them anymore, some of them, you know, and I've gotten to see that

process. And thank God for good sponsorship. And, and God, I complained, but what I can see is

God withheld things from me, you know, and thank God for that. Like, my experience is that God

knows. I don't know. God knows. God knows.

God's infinite. I'm finite. You know, I don't know what's good for me. I don't know what I need. I

don't know what I'm going to need to grow. All the things that were withheld from me, you know,

my goal in life before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous was to be like Mrs. Kobe Bryant.

That was my singular goal. I wanted to be a rich, drunk wife with floor seats to Laker games.

And when I got to AA, people were like, oh, do you know him? And I'm like, no.

What does that have to do with it? You know, and

what I've learned how to do in Alcoholics Anonymous is to suit up, show up, be self-supporting.

It wasn't like easy. And I didn't like it. And it didn't feel good, you know. But, and they were

hard lessons. Everything's been hard lessons. But, oh my God, if I didn't have to work hard for stuff,

if I didn't go through those multiple inventories and look at all the ugly stuff, I wanted to kill

myself again at 12 years of sobriety. And the difference at 12 years of sobriety and, you know,

negative sobriety is that,

number one, I was firmly planted in Alcoholics Anonymous and I called my sponsor. And number two, I had a God who's so powerful,

you know, that, that could give me the power that I needed to walk through what I needed to walk through. And what it was was

so piddly. I

had, like, debt. It was about debt and medical insurance.

And I, like, wanted to leave my children, you know, and my life and my amends, you know, because I couldn't, like, shop at

anthropology. And anthropology plays, like, a very big

role in my sobriety, in my defects. And now I just don't even open the emails. But, but, you know, and I had to look at that and be like,

oh my God, that's so gross. And ask God to take it. And my experience is that he takes it, you know. And I have a minute left. So I'll say, like, I

tried to kill myself when I was 27. I'm 43 now, you know. In the time I've been sober, my team has won the Super Bowl twice. I was, I felt so much joy each time they

did that. And I thought, like, I can't believe I tried to kill myself. Like, I would have missed this. I've had two children, you know. I have two daughters, one's five and one's eight, you know. And I get to be there for every horrible moment. You know, they were, they get, like, super yucky around Christmas time. I want that. I want that. I want that. And, you know, sometimes when they're being nasty, I'm like, you don't even know how lucky you are to have two sober parents, you know. And I want to tell them, but, and then I think, you know what, they don't, they don't ever

need to know what I used to be like, what it, what it could be like for them, you know. They don't need to know that. I'm so grateful to be a sober mom, you know. God has gifted me those things. I wanted kids early. I wanted kids before I was even, you know, done drinking. And God took, God didn't let me have that either. And thank God for that, you know. I get to be a sober mom today, you know. And I'll say this, when season six of Game of Thrones started airing, I would be at the edge of my bed, pointing up at the sky, thanking God every night.

For this show. And, and what I love, because then I was like, what am I going to do when it ends? Like, I'll want to die again. But, but I know, because God has shown me that, that there's going to be something else that's great, that gives me joy, that I'm passionate about, that I love. God does that for me. I have so much joy in my life. And if the price I have to pay is to suit up, show up and like be of service, or to grow, or to feel uncomfortable and sad and whatever, you know, like, I'll take it.

It's so much better than what I used to have. And I didn't even want it. I think about that all the time. I didn't even want to be here. I didn't want any of the stuff. And God is so merciful and wonderful that he lets me have it anyway. He put these people in my life to carry the message to me in a way that I could hear it. And he gave me no place else to go so that I could, you know, learn how to live inside of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and I, and it's just never lost on me that what a gift this is. How lucky we are.

To be here. Thank you.