From Spring Break to Chaperone: Jerry's Life Arc

Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Jerry.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Jerry, I'm an alcoholic.

Where's Bruce?

Where's Bruce, back there?

What's up, man?

I'd like to thank Oscar for asking me to participate.

I got a text from the unknown number,

and it was like, you're gonna be at the meeting tonight,

which means I'm either speaking

or I'm covering somebody's commitment.

I just had that just feeling it was like an Oscar text.

You know, you can just feel Oscar

when he's coming through a text.

And he asked me if I could wear a suit and tie,

and I'm like, sure, I'm capable of wearing a suit and tie.

This ain't the first time.

And he told me his flaky speaker flaked out on him again.

He needed somebody to bail him out.

So it is his fault that you guys get to hear me again,

because I know some of you are sick to death of my story,

but too bad, it's my story.

And I love Quality of Life,

and you know, the life you guys have given me,

because left to my own devices, man, I gotta,

I make terrible, terrible decisions, man.

And Karen, it's good to see you.

And New Bronze Falls brings up warm and fuzzy feelings,

because that's where we used to go on spring break.

And we used to go down there,

and we'd drive down there and drink,

and then they used to go tubing.

They'd get these tubes,

and they're just those like tire tubes, man.

And you'd get the beer, and you'd put them in the water,

and you dragged them on the tube,

and you floated down the river until you passed out.

And somebody picked you up, brought you back to your car,

and you drunk drove home and drank at the hotel,

and you did it the next day, man.

I loved New Bronze Falls.

That was when alcohol was definitely working for me.

And if it was working like that, dude,

I'd be doing that stuff.

And you guys know my pitch, man,

so I'm just gonna randomly talk about stuff.

I went to an eighth grade dance last night.

I was asked to chaperone.

Yeah, it was weird, man.

I'm a middle school teacher, so it's not that weird.

And I was asked to chaperone.

And I'm sitting there, and I'm looking at this email,

and I've like, I got all my stuff done like yesterday,

except for I got some finals to grade.

I did that today, it was awesome.

So I sit there, I'm looking at the email,

and they're begging for help.

And I'm like, man, I don't want to chaperone

in the middle on a Friday night.

I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it.

And then I finally said I'd do it.

And then I show up, and there's plenty of chaperones there.

And you know how alcoholics do that.

And it's like awkward, like eighth grade dances

are awkward for everybody.

And I got awkwardly standing there,

and I like, I know these people.

I work with these people.

These people like me.

And I'm standing there,

because I don't know what I'm doing at a chaperone.

Like, what am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to be watching?

Is it creepy if I'm watching?

Like, what are they supposed to do?

Do I go into the dance room?

Do I not?

I got my bosses standing there.

Like, we're talking.

I'm like, should I just be talking here?

They're talking, so I should be talking.

It seems like it's fine.

But maybe I should be in the dance,

because that's what they're doing.

And I walk in the dance, and there's eighth graders

all dressed to the nines, because they're Calabasas kids.

They got like these expensive dresses,

and they're dressed up.

And they're huddled in their little circles of groups, man.

So you'd have like little circles of boys,

and little circles of girls, and little suckers of boys,

and girls, and none of the boys were dancing.

And nobody was dancing, and it was the most awkward thing.

And I lived in that awkward feeling my whole life.

Like, I still live in that awkward feeling,

that just discomfort of what circle do I fit in

just long enough so that I can get out

of any social engagement I'm into.

Just put me in my little circle,

and I want it to end quick.

And I saw like one of my kids, like, you know,

he was asking about, because he wanted to go home early.

And I know that feeling, man, because like,

when I'm in them awkward situations,

and it's uncomfortable, and I don't know

what I'm supposed to do, or say, or think,

or what you're thinking about me, man, I want to go home.

And I've had those calls to my mom, like,

just come get me, because I don't know how to be.

I'm with my friends.

They like me.

They want me to be there.

I don't know how to be.

I'm crawling in my skin.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to say or do.

Mom, come please pick me.

I need to go home.

Because at home, I can think.

And I love to think.

I love that fantasy world.

I love pretending like whatever existence is out there

isn't my reality.

I can make it up, man.

And I still love that level.

And I'm still living that awkwardness.

And I still live in that discomfort.

The difference is, you guys have given me tools

to deal with all that stuff.

So when I show up, even though I'm super uncomfortable,

and I'm standing there, and it's Hawaiian themed.

So I got my Hawaiian shirt on.

And I know I'm supposed to wear the Hawaiian shirt.

And I'm standing there, and I'm all awkward and goofy.

And I just want to walk away.

I want to be mad at you for asking me to do this,

and then having plenty of people there to chaperone.

And I just want to go home, man.

But you guys taught me how to stay there, and kind of smile,

and make small talk until I find a comfort zone.

And then I find myself.

My, what do those call, like the tables and benches.

And I find my table and bench.

And I sit there, and I like breathe,

because I got like my area now.

And I'm like chaperoning that area.

And students would come and talk, and teachers

would come and talk.

And it all was just fine, because I said yes.

And that's what you guys taught me.

Like, if you say yes, and you take the action,

the feelings will follow, and it'll all be fine.

And you know, then I left.

And that's my life.

That's my life today.

My family life was really good when I was young.

I was loved.

I was taken care of.

I wasn't abused.

I wasn't treated badly.

My mom and dad were weird and unusual.

But families are weird and unusual.

They didn't seem to really like each other.

But they didn't take it out on us very often.

They weren't drunk very often.

They didn't do drugs very often.

They smoked a ton of cigarettes.

And liked to be left alone, and liked to not interact

with each other very much.

And my brother, seven years older than me,

is like your quintessential, like everything

seems to work for him kind of person.

He's athletic, and girls like him.

And guys want to like him, and want to be his friend.

And he's popular, and he's an all-star in baseball,

and football.

And you know, he was my role model.

He's also like a stubborn knucklehead fighter,

confrontation, don't know how to say when.

And I'm the complete opposite.

I'm skinny, and I'm small, and I'm gangly, and I'm awkward.

And I'm super book smart, and I do really well in school.

But that's it.

You know, my parents felt real bad for me

because my brother was this like great athlete.

They would get me involved with sports.

So I was in a, I was doing transition meetings last week.

Like my job is busy during May.

So we do transmission meetings.

I'm a special education teacher.

And what transition meetings is this.

I have a meeting at the high school

with my parents and my kid.

And I say, OK, now they're yours.

That's really what it is.

And I sign all the paperwork, and make sure

it like communicates really.

But it's just like, hey, I'm handing this off to you.

This is the kid, blah, blah, blah.

But the special education teacher, I'm like, hey, I'm like,

I'm a special ed teacher at the high school,

is a wrestling coach.

And every time I have a transition meeting,

he tries to like co-opt the student into his wrestling team.

That's like what he does.

But my parents got me into wrestling

when I was like seven or eight.

And I was, my mom tells me a story.

I didn't know it then, but mom tells me a story.

Like I was so skinny, they couldn't find a uniform

to fit me.

So I had like this, like loose, gangly,

like the smallest uniform that, and you know,

dude, that was me.

Like, I want to be the wrestler, but I got like, oh, I'm like,

I want to be the wrestler,

but I got like the wrestling uniform falling off me

because I want to be like my brother.

And they put me in soccer, but I've, I got two left feet, man.

And neither one of them know how to kick a soccer ball.

And here's the thing.

My T-ball team was tops.

My T-ball team went undefeated two straight years, dude.

We were awesome.

And that is like the highlight of my sports career.

But I was, I was good at school.

I was, I had a really high IQ.

I have a really high IQ.

Hey, it's a scientific fact.

Y'all argue with the assessors, man, because that's legit.

I got high IQ and really low social skills.

I also am dyslexic, which means like I'm super smart,

but I read weird.

I read fine, but I read weird.

And I write even weirder, man.

And I'd make my numbers a number.

numbers backwards and my letters backwards. So I was in all the honors top classes, but I always

went to like the special resource class to deal with all my like weird stuff, man. And I would go

to therapy with the school psychologist. I mean, basically I was like an IEP kid, which is, I was

like in all the like honors classes, man. But I was like really good at remembering facts and reading

and writing and all that stuff. Like the skill sets were smooth. And that made my parents happy

because, you know, I was growing up in the 80s and it was all about going to college. You know,

my parents didn't go to college. My brother wasn't going to go to college. And they knew like I could

do something with my life if I went to college. They forgot to mention like go to college and

like apply yourself. But they knew like that was the key. Go to college, man. And so I lived in

Tacoma, Washington, and I went to elementary school. I repeated first grade twice, which is

pretty awkward, except for like my.

The first first grade class that I was with was also in my second grade class or their second grade

class in my second year of first grade. So I still have all my friends. But it was weird. So I was

like the smallest kid. So when I moved to Texas in 1980, I was the smallest kid, but I was the

oldest kid, too. So it was always really weird. And by that time, my brother was a teenager and

like full blown punk teenager. And he would fight and he would get in trouble in school. And my mom

and him would tussle and argue all the time. And he would drink and he would have girls over. And

man, I wanted to be my brother. And I was like, I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to

college. I'm going to be my brother. And but he bucked heads. And I learned like I knew it like

like do well in school. Be polite. Stay out of like the obvious trouble and don't butt heads like

I got real good at lying and saying, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like when you stop, like you stop

paying attention. I'm going to do what I want anyway. You just want to hear me say, yeah, yeah,

yeah. I'll tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why should I tell you? No, no, no. When I could just do what

I want after I say, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't really care, man. So I became really good

and all that kind of stuff. And and it worked for me. So middle school is when I discovered the

magic of alcohol. It's not the effects, but I wanted to be cool, man. That's what I wanted to

be. And I was not cool. I was weird. I was awkward. I was strange. And I could always fit in as like

your little brother. Like people liked me like that. Like I could always play the little brother

role. I instinctually knew how to do that. So I was always well liked, but I just wasn't cool,

man.

Be cool like my brother. And so my parents did not drink much. But for some reason,

at one point in time, I got a hold of one of those airline bottles. And I wasn't really I

didn't really know during like it's like drinking the taste bad. And I tasted it wasn't tasting

good. So I poured a lot, most of it out. But I put like a lot of lemonade in there. It smelled

like alcohol. And when I brought it to school and I showed my friends like the bottle, all of a

sudden, I wasn't just like the awkward kid you could cheat off of on tests. I was like I was

the kid who brought a bottle of alcohol to school in middle school. And I got kind of a reputation of

having like, oh, like, like Jerry, he's Yeah, he's a he'll bring he brings bottles, man, like he's

gotten and they would take little polls from this little airline bottles really funny, man. We were

we were awkward, dude. And then but they take little polls of it, we get sneaky. But it made me

cool. Like his first time I ever felt cool. Summer, I think ninth grade is probably when I like

discovered the magical effects of alcohol. And I don't know, I don't know, remember my first drink?

I really don't.

I remember the

series of drinkings. And I remember this, like it was like Strawberry Hills, Boone's Farms,

delicious. And it was Mad Dog 2020, which is not delicious, but did the job. And the wine coolers,

man, Bartels and James, man, that was tasty stuff, dude. Because I don't like the taste alcohol,

like the strong alcohol and the beer, I don't like the taste of it. And I want things to taste good.

So you know, stuff tasted pretty good. And I discovered the effects. And the fact was, man, it

just calmed me down, it just shifted my perspective, it gave me a sense of ease and comfort with the

first drink. And man, I felt good. And I don't know, I don't know how I knew how to just drink and

drink and drink. I was given like I drink and drink and drink, and then I throw up and throw up

and throw up. And that's kind of, that was like my first remembrances of drinking and, and in high

school, that's kind of then became and I grew my hair out really long. And I was really adorable.

And I didn't know how adorable I was. But I was really cute with really long hair. And I had a lot of friends I really loved.

I didn't know how adorable I was but I was really cute with really long hair and I had lots of other really cute adorable long hair friends and we were all into Poison and Motley Crue and you know if you liked Metallica or Megadeth like we didn't like you and they didn't like us and it was great because I had my own little gang of like a really cute puffy haired boys against like the non-puffy haired boys and you know and the fact is like the puffy haired cute girls tended to like the puffy haired cute boys and the not puffy haired cute boys wasn't my experience man.

And you know we would learn to drink but even though we had the puffy cute hair those puffy cute drinks didn't really like go with the mystique of being a Texas drinker. You know we still had our Texas in us so you know our older friends would indulge us for a while and buy us like the Boone's Farms and the Mad Dog 2020 and the wine coolers and what not but eventually you gotta learn how to drink like a man in Texas and drinking like a man in Texas means you learn how to drink beer and you learn how to drink whiskey.

And you learn how to drink tequila and I learned how to drink beer whiskey and tequila and I learned that the taste didn't really matter once you got a little bit in you man it was good it didn't matter the taste and when you threw it up it didn't taste as like syrupy which was kind of nice and so I learned how to drink like a Texan and my parents wanted me to go to college because that was my drill that was my thing I was good at school I don't mind doing things that come easy to me and I don't want to work hard they had this vision I was going to be a scientist who would cure cancer.

And I wanted to be a poet you know man and my parents were disappointed at my artsy side they wanted my scientific side to be the driver because they figured that's where you can make money and you know pay poets very well and I wanted to be a poet and I wanted to be a rock star and I wanted to do all that stuff but I don't want to work at any of that stuff so I'm going to go to college because it's easy.

And you know so I just I'm a weekend warrior at this time I know how to be responsible I know how to do my schoolwork and get good grades I know how to go to a gym.

I know how to do my job and work and you know do that and then on the weekends I want to go and get drunk and I felt like so long as I was doing my responsibilities I was entitled to act the fool on the weekends and I love drinking and I started playing in bands at some point in time and I had all these we were just this we were on the new bronze falls river one time and we were drinking and I passed out as will happen when you're drinking on the river and I wake up I'm like oh my god I'm going to go to college.

And I was like yo have you seen my friends and they're like you mean the Adams family yeah man they're up a row dude and that was my group of friends man we were just all misfit oddball weirdos freaks and we were comfortable and happy with that because we were cute oddball adorable we're cute oddball weird freaks man so I we were having a good time.

Being weird oddball artsy bohemian freaks and we found our people and we lived that lifestyle and I was a weekend warrior about that time and I started discovering that I was an embarrassing oddball weirdo bohemian poet drunk I'm a puker I will puke every single time I drink and then on a good night I'll drink again and then puke some more.

That's a good night I like puking then drinking more after I puke that's a good night and the problem with that is I don't always puke where I'm supposed to puke you know you're supposed to puke either outside the moving car or in the toilet and sometimes I would hit my mark and sometimes I would miss my mark and my puke could splatter on anybody at any time.

I also I'm very clever and so I like to run my mouth.

And I'm as you have already heard I'm not particularly macho so I can't really back up my mouth so I can run away or I can hide behind my friends or I can grovel and that's you know that's embarrassing and you know man I got no boundaries I barely got any boundaries now man y'all know me I barely got any boundaries now you remove my inhibitions I got no boundaries so I touch people all over the place and you know man I'm just I'm just I'm just a person.

Pig and it's embarrassing and really and you know that whole eighth grade dance motif of the evening comes back because the key to my existence and one of the reasons why I like alcohol so much is that it erases embarrassment in the sense that I don't feel that social awkwardness anymore and that's my goal my entire goal through most of my life is just to not be in the midst of that middle school embarrassment.

And you know alcohol can remove that for a while but then I start to remember the embarrassing things I did to avoid that feeling of embarrassment so I decide I'm going to control my drinking I had never seen anybody control their drinking before it wasn't something that I was accustomed to so I go out and I have a couple drinks and it's miserable I don't like it at this point in time I'm I'm pretty bitter I'm starting to get angry for the first time I wasn't an angry kid but I'm getting angry I'm getting really resentful and I'm getting really angry.

I got a short fuse when I stopped drinking all that's so much worse I am so much more restless irritable and discontented after I stopped drinking then before I started drinking and to me that's like the key to my alcoholism when I try to stop my drinking all those problems just come back at me like a tidal wave of emotions and I just hate that feeling and the only way I can get rid of that feeling is to give myself a

find an excuse to drink because that's the worst feeling in the world for me like existence and being normal and trying to get through the embarrassment of life is painful in its own right give me a couple drinks and stop it and then try to get me to go through those painful embarrassing awkward life moments it's way too difficult for me to deal with I can't do it and so I got a drink it's the only way I can shut off my head and you know it's kind of cute when you're in your early 20s and you work for the YMCA

and you're bartending and you're playing in your band and all that stuff you know when you start to get in your upper 20s and especially with like all that like you know I was supposed to do something important and you know my idea of college was to take a lot of classes and do okay with them but I wanted to stretch it out and I did I went through classes for like six years and I had I was two classes shy of graduating and I do what any

good alcoholic who is afraid of reality would do in that situation which is I stopped going to school if I finish college I get to deal with that real world I don't want to do that and at the same time I'm starting to feel older and that pressure of like I need to kind of be successful I wanted to be amazing like I want to do all these great amazing things and be a rock star and a poet and an artist and a philosopher and do all those amazing things I'm just way too in fear to try to do anything I'm way too lazy

to work on anything so I'm not doing anything that's worthwhile and this guttural kind of mediocre existence wasn't working for me so I was hanging out in a bar with my friend Joe Joe I've known since second grade when I first moved to Texas Joe is awesome I'm hanging out in a bar with Joe and he says I'm sick of Texas what about you and I'm like yeah I'm sick of Texas he's like let's go to Florida and I'm like why Florida it's like I can surf there I'm like yeah let's go to Florida

we had these plans to go to Florida and then my other buddy Sean who I've also known since I moved to Texas in second grade he came to Los Angeles and he was like I would never live in Los Angeles earthquakes scared me I'm gonna do it he visited and he's like dude I'm moving to Los Angeles and I looked at Joe and I'm like do you care and he's like no so we decided to move to Los Angeles and then like a truckload of us kind of convoy our way to from Texas into Los Angeles and we

all come here to conquer the world I'm the only one still left and I ain't conquered squat by the way so we got here and it was cool and it was fun but I knew early on that it wasn't the solution I know I'm a mess I know I'm awkward and I do bizarre things when I drink and I do embarrassing things when I drink and I got all kinds of issues but I'm a bright guy with a college degree I did get my

college degree by the way I went back you know this is an alcoholic move I went back and I went to the office like right before I moved my parents were like you can go to Los Angeles is that my mom you go to Los Angeles that's fine but got to get the degree you need to classes and I went to the the office and they're like dude you're done like all you got to do is pay the fee and file and you have a degree I'm like okay sweet which works for me because then I don't got to do any extra work so anyway I got my

like I'm a bright dude with a degree who people seem to like who even though I'm incredibly weird

and awkward and gangly and just nervous and and uptight can seem to get along in the world just

fine and I figured you know man I'm gonna like put all the problems aside and I'll stop the drinking

and these things that kind of work for me are gonna work for me internally because that was a

problem like all that external stuff just didn't work for me internally so I didn't know that that

wasn't gonna work that all that out stuff would stop outside stuff wasn't gonna work for me until

I moved to Los Angeles so when I got here I knew the only thing that fixed me on the inside was

alcohol and I had I found a girl who I took hostage and she was smart and she was pretty

and she was artistic and everybody liked her and she was really nice and sweet she didn't drink it

was weird I had my friends who were still just as cool as they'd always been and I was playing

in a room and I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's

everybody doing? I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's everybody doing? I was like how's

band, and I was working a job. And everything on the outside from anybody's point of view should be

good. And I am miserable on the inside. I don't like it. So I know alcohol is the only thing

that's working for me, but I know alcohol is not working for me. And if you know what that means,

you're probably in the right rooms. So my girlfriend who was a normie starts to change

my drinking in the sense that I start to hide my drinking a little bit more. I never hid my

drinking before. I was always like, you don't like the way I drink, who cares? Like, shut up,

go away. But at this point in time, it was like, I was trying to like, she would come over from

her work or whatever. And I was trying to drink as much as I could drink before she got there.

So she wouldn't know how much I drank. And that was getting weird. And she would look at me

when I would get in these moods and I get in these moods. And when I drink, I really get in

these moods. And she would look at me when I'm in these moods. And like, she had that,

you know, she had that, you know, she had that, you know, she had that, you know, she had that,

that pity. And I hate that pity look, man. I don't like it when you look at me and you feel

sorry for me. Don't feel sorry for me. And she would look at me and she would feel sorry for me.

And I knew she, uh, she loved me and she didn't want me to continue to hurt myself and hate

myself. And, uh, so I start my second attempt to control and enjoy my drinking. Cause I know

I can't have a couple of drinks. It doesn't work for me. But I remember like those new bronze

full days when I was like a weekend warrior and I'd go out for spring break and the week

I have it together and I didn't have it together. I was miserable, angry, uptight, isolated,

antisocial when I didn't drink, but I felt like that was having it together. So I decided I'm just

going to drink on the weekends. And when I do that for the first night, it's great. It's magical.

All the stars align. It is incredibly beautiful. It was like it used to be. And that's a powerful

feeling for an alcoholic. Cause that deludes me into thinking I can do this again. And I go out

for the next weekend and I embarrass myself a little bit, but not so much that I regret drinking,

you know, just a little bit of, I just did too much. And then like at this point in time,

like when I drink, I drink all the time. I drink during the week. I drink on the weekends. I don't

drink at work very much, but I'm constantly hung over or drunk from the night before. And I'm

working. I'm working for the first time. I have a full-time job. I don't like, I don't like working

a full-time job. I'm working with emotionally disturbed adults. I'm working with a lot of

adolescents at a non-public school. And if you do a job like that and you have to work like real

hours, you deserve to drink. And so what happens is I find myself kind of just back in the same

situation. And I deluded myself into thinking I could do it again and I couldn't do it again.

And so fast forward, like, I don't know, three years. And my buddy, Joe, who's my roommate is,

he doesn't work on Mondays because of his job. And he doesn't work on Sundays or Mondays. I don't

work Saturdays and Sundays, but I always sandbag sick days. I'm really good at that. I'm really good

at that. I want to be able to take off days for me. I want to have my me days and I won't take them

off when I'm sick. I'll show up and get you sick, but I want to sandbag my me days. So I'm going to

take off a day. Joe and I got a plan and we've talked about going deep sea fishing. We've been

talking about it for a while and we're going to go out and do it. And yeah, it means getting up

early on Monday, but I get up early on Mondays anyway. Dude, no problem. We're going to do this.

It's going to be great, but we're going to drink on Sunday because that's what we do. We drink on

Sunday, but now I don't have to get up early on Mondays. I'm going to get up early on Mondays.

I'm going to get up and go to work. I'm just going to get up and go fishing, which means I'm

going to drink some more. So I'm drinking, man, and I am drinking heavy and I'm drinking as much

alcohol as I can get my hands on. And it's not like I'm intentionally just trying to like

bamboozle the alcohol down. It's just what I do. The problem is as I'm drinking and drinking and

drinking, I'm not slowing down. I'm keep going. And you guys know when I get that energy and that

agitation and that nervousness, I mean, I got all that going full energy and my brain is going a

million.

Miles an hour. And I am way tightly wound at this juncture in time. And I have no idea what I'm

supposed to do to direct this energy. And so I do what I do best, man. I take it out on the people

who care about me. I want to make them feel miserable, too, because I don't want to sit

alone in my my misery. Misery loves company. So I'm trying to make them uncomfortable. And I

really think I'm just trying to get them to leave me alone because I figure if I could get them to

leave me alone, I could take this energy and and bundle in a direction where I could get them to

where I can kind of contain it. And so but they're not leaving me alone. So, you know, we're on the

we live on the first floor, like, you know, and it's the first floor, L.A. So, you know, it's like,

you know, over the garage and I'm like, I'm threatening to jump off and I'm being super

melodramatic as I like to do. And I'm trying to break bottles against the wall as I like to do.

But I'm not macho enough to actually break the bottle. So I'm actually just damaging the wall

and the bottle is just bouncing off. But the pain is flaking off.

And my roommate, Joe, walks in on me and my girlfriend's in the room and he walks in on me

because apparently I'm being abnormally obnoxious so that he needs to investigate it. And I'm there

with a bottle stark naked, just yelling weird stuff. And he does the smart thing, which is walk

out of the room. And my girlfriend does the smart thing, which is she also walks out of the room

and she left.

And I passed out. And I woke up at 1 or 2 and we didn't go fishing. And I got up and I shook the

day off and I sat on the couch and my buddy Joe was there and he was like, dude, like, you were

crazy last night. I'm like, yeah, dude, I know. I'm going to move back to Texas. And he walks

away from me, man. He is disgusted and I know he's disgusted. And this is the guy, man, I have

I've thrown beer on people.

And he's calmed down. This guy can fight and talk his way out of situations. And he always makes

sure I'm protected. And, you know, he always has my back and always talks his way out of

situations or makes sure I don't have to get beaten up. And, you know, when I touch people

where I ain't supposed to make sure like I get shuffled out, you know, he has seen me at my

worst and pathetic. And like he was disgusted with me. And as I've said many times before,

I didn't reveal him.

I was like, I'm going to go back to Texas and drink myself to death. And that was my thoughts as I'm sitting on that couch is why am I suffering here in Los Angeles when I can suffer in Texas and drink and live more cheaply, rent cheap and beer is cheap in Texas.

If I'm going to do this, why spend all this money, man? My girlfriend at the time, her roommate was an Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know, six months earlier. Who knows?

He had come and talked to me. It was when I was like, I had been obnoxious again. I said, I'm going to stop

drinking. And I was sincere. I meant it. I was going to stop drinking. And he came and talked to

me and he shared his story. And I identified with him, man, because I knew what he felt like. And he

was talking about because he was a comedian and he was an actor. And he was he was talking about the

time that he was auditioning for Saturday Night Live. And they invited him to,

the party. But he was too scared to go because he was awkward and nervous. And I identified with

that feeling. I knew what that felt like. I didn't tell him. I sat there and I listened and he left

and I thanked him, I'm sure. But I remembered what he said to me. And I knew this about me,

is at this point in time, I'm a shell of a human being. I have nothing going on for me. I feel

completely hollow and empty. But I have this girlfriend who is pretty and smart.

Talented, artistic, and people like her. And I want her to continue to validate me. And so I talk

my way into situations and I rope her back. And I knew the only card I had left was the AA card. And

I didn't play the AA card because I wanted to come to AA and get sober. I played the AA card because

I wanted to yo-yo her back for as long as she would stay back. So she says, cool, call central

office and find a meeting for tomorrow. And I did it, which was bizarre behavior for me. Because

what I do in that situation, because

it's awkward and it's uncomfortable and it's a situation I'm not used to being in. I don't know

how to call central office and ask for a meeting. I shine that off. I'll do that later. I'll do it

tomorrow. Promise. And I did it. And I called central office and they said there was a men's

stag on like Sherman Way and Louise. And I'm like, thanks, but no thanks. And they're like,

there's a non-men's stag on Sherman Way and Louise at seven o'clock on a Wednesday. Show up

early. And I showed up at 6 45. I don't show up early, but I showed up early in the central office

lied to me. That meeting was a men's stag and it started at 7 30. And I walked in and there was

Sean who a lot of you guys know, and there's David's Tennessee who a lot of you guys know was

at this little coffee bar. We had a license session and they stuck up their hand and they

said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, uh, I said, cool.

And the great Dave Hall said, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's my card. You need a sponsor. And

I'm like, what's a sponsor. And we'll sponsor somebody you call and you go to 90 meetings in

90 days and you read the big book cover cover and you get committed to all the meetings and you call

them every day and you do a lot. I'm like, dude, dude, dude, dude, I'm busy. I ain't got time for

all that stuff, man. You are nuts. I thought he was crap. This was a craziest dude. Like,

like this dude is way too. And like, he is, he's trying to sell me.

Super AA. I don't even want to buy like the baseline basic package of AA like,

um, but I'll look for that deal. And like, uh, oh man, like, uh, DJ, he came up, Danny Joe came up

to me and sold me the same pitch. And I'm like, y'all are all nuts together. And I was like, thanks,

but no, thanks, man. I sat around this table and at that Wednesday stag, you say how much time you

got and you say you're an alcoholic. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I

don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't

know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I got no problem saying

I'm an alcoholic, I know I was an alcoholic. And I was like, I'm Jeremy Ancolic. I got two days.

And there was somebody else there. It's the other bill. I think it was this crazy bill. He had four

days. And that's not what impressed me in a bunch of dudes with like six, five, 10, 12 years. That

didn't impress me. Um, Michael Princess, he had four months and that impressed me. I had gone

sober two months before white knuckling it. So I knew I could do that, but it was my max. I'm like,

if this dude can stay sober for

four months. I might be able to do that too. And I identified by an alcoholic and then I left.

Next day, Dwight asked, gave me the same pitch. And I'm like, you guys are just going to sell

me the same Kool-Aid. And on Saturday, I walked up to the license session meeting at Saturday.

And it wasn't like Wednesday and Thursday, which had like 20 people I can kind of deal with.

There was like a hundred people there. And I am nervous, awkward, uncomfortable. And I'm in a

situation I don't know how to deal with. And Dwight walked out to me and he said, hello. And before he

could even say hello, I was like, will you be my sponsor? And I just needed him to be my sponsor

to be able to walk into that room with all of these sober faces looking at me. And Dwight got

me on the journey of Alcoholics Anonymous I've been on for the last 15 years. And I'm always

grateful for what Dwight gave me.

That didn't work. So I got Greg as a sponsor. And that's worked for the last 13 years. And

we split off. And I've been here in quality of life ever since. And I usually run through the

steps. So I'll talk about what my life is like today, because here's what my life is like today.

It's, and my sponsor gets me, but it's better than I deserve. Because I think I deserve

everything in the world to be giving to me at a moment's notice with zero effort.

It's what I think I deserve. And what I always get is a crappy life. And you guys got me

comfortable with being me, tamed the energy down somewhat, walked me through the steps of

Alcoholics Anonymous, took an intellectual, philosophically-minded atheist, and taught

him about a higher power that could work in his life. I'm a self-destructor.

Until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, every time somebody offered me a promotion at a job,

and I've gotten offered promotions at a lot of jobs, I quit. I work at a place for three years,

and I quit because I'm scared of responsibility, and I'm scared of growing. And you guys walked

me through promotions, and changing jobs, and going back to school, and my first marriage,

and now my second marriage, and the uncertainty.

The awkwardness, the discomfort, the strangeness of life. I still feel like that little kid walking

into the middle school dance, not knowing what circle I belong to, and not knowing how to be.

I don't know how to do any of that stuff. I can go to the places I'm comfortable with,

and fit where I'm supposed to know to fit. You guys taught me how to just walk into a situation,

and if you stay long enough, you're going to get there. And if you don't, you're going to get there.

And if you don't, you're going to get there. And if you don't, you're going to get there.

And if you don't, you're going to get there. And if you don't, you're going to get there.

And if you breathe long enough, it'll work out fine. And that's one of the greatest gifts,

man. Acting better than I feel, which I don't like doing. Man, I want to tell you how I feel

so that you can feel it, and I don't have to. And you guys call it suit up and show up.

My feet have been trained. I go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's like, I wouldn't know what

to do. I don't have these thoughts like, don't go to my meeting. You guys have trained me.

You've operantly conditioned me.

So thoroughly that I just go to my meetings. And I go to my meetings when I don't feel like

I want to see you guys, which is a lot of the times. I go to my meetings when I

want to see you guys, which is some of the times. And I do the same thing at work. I do the same

thing in relationships. I do the same things with friendships. I do the same thing with my family.

I do them all incredibly imperfectly, but I do them. And what I've gotten is this

bizarre, normal life where I got a normal job and normal friends. And for me, a normal wife,

and I'm not a rock star, and I'm not a famous writer, and I'm not this great philosophical

mind, and I'm not doing interviews on the Oprah Winfrey show, except for sometimes in my head.

Sometimes in my head, I'm still doing those interviews with Oprah Winfrey. It's pretty cool.

I always come off great, by the way. Everybody loves me.

But my life is...

So normal. And at the same time, it's amazingly grand. I can walk into work and I can just feel

this just grandness of this world and all the amazing things that come with it. And it's really

beautiful and it's better than I deserve, man. Because what I deserve to be is trying to figure

out how this puke got on me in some sort of gutter or really crappy one-bedroom apartment, man.

And with that, I'd like to thank my sponsor, Quality of Life.

As a whole, Oscar, thank you for sharing. And Bruce, I hope I didn't bore you too much.