From Secrets to Sobriety: Francesco's Journey Through Alcoholism

Hi, let me introduce myself. My name is Francesco, and I am an alcoholic. I'm very grateful to be here, to be able to participate in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I owe to Alcoholics Anonymous everything that I have today, and that I used to be that way, and I want to thank Oscar for asking me to participate in here. I love you,

the group, and anywhere that I can be able to share my experience, because I come from more than 35 years of pretending, and keeping a lot of secrets, and try to fit in, and the way that I have problems is that I don't know how to percept things. I always think that you hate me, you're not going to like me, that I have to buy you your friendship, and this is

why I like since I was about three years old. I always thought that my brothers, they were better looking than me. I was a very short guy, and with my head is not round, it's oval, so they used to call me names at school, and I used to get so mad, and always tried to hide, you know, and I was a mama's boy. I used to run to my mom, and my mom always told me that I was going to be okay, okay, and that's just, you know, that's

Just like, you know, that was the beginning, you know, what I learned later, alcohol make me feel part of, better than what I, you know, I feel, you know, and, and that just like, you know, they took me many, many years to, to change, you know, and I've done a lot of stuff, you know, I come from a mixed culture families.

My father is Riley, my mom from Spain, from the east side of Spain, so she's past Jewish, and, and my grandma, I grew up with my grandma, and my grandma always told me that I was going to be a movie star, so I believe her, so that was really working on it, you know, and, you know, my first drink, it was a three years, three and a half years during the US holidays, you know, and Hanukkah,

I just decided that, you know, the rabbi asked me to go and clean the glasses, and I noticed there was a lot of glasses that, you know, full glasses, and I tasted, and then I like it because it's sweet, and, you know, and I ended drinking too, so much that I fall asleep, and the rabbi came and found me on the floor, and he told me like, you know, probably you got hired to clean all this stuff, right?

And that was the beginning.

That was the beginning of really a long time, you know, drinking, and in my house, you know, I came from a house that, you know, we were seven brothers and two sisters.

We were the ones that we used to clean the house.

My sister never did anything, so I was just, you know, ironing, cleaning dishes, and everything, but, you know, every weekend we had a party with music, so, you know, I danced with the room because, you know, I was so short that, you know, I was not able to do anything.

I was not able to reach any, you know, anybody, you know, because they were taller than me, and that was the beginning, like, you know, and tasting the alcohol, and I used to hang out with my father, and my father was a merchant, and we used to go to some sales, and I always sit in the back of the car, and he took me to the bar and sent me to get a drink for him and asked me, make sure that they put enough alcohol, and I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

I did.

And I did.

I made sure that I tasted, and I tasted, and, you know, and I like it, you know, I just

did that, you know, every day.

My father, he used to drink seven days a week, but he always brings some food to our house.

He supports, I mean, nine plus, whatever, we always have some visitors, you know, and

that was a full house, and my mom used to cook for all of us.

And my mom was a housewife, my father, that was the one that provide, and we're supposed

to be a happy family, but this happy family, we all have a lot of problems and a lot of

secrets, you know, and I grew up with that attitude, I'm not going to let you know who

I am, you know, because I was ashamed, and I don't know where that came from, but that

was one of the, you know, the problems that, you know, that I have.

So, when I had alcohol in my system, I was able to be someone, and when I drink, I like

to invite a lot of people.

I'm a very friendly guy, you know, and then when you're that friendly, and then, you know,

when you drink like me, I'm a bad drinker, you know, but I, one time, I used to work

in a restaurant that was called Carlos and Charlie's up in Sunset Strip, and I worked

there since I was 14 years old.

I was not even legal, but I was a partner of the owners, and I used to, we used to taste

anything.

We have a lot of gifts, because we were really good people.

So, then, you know, before we start working, we got a shot of tequila, a line of cocaine,

and pshoo, we were ready to go, and this is like every day, but a guy like me, I don't

know how to say it.

I need some more, and I used to overuse it and do it like, you know, crazy, and then

this is like, you know, my long career of drinking and using, like, you know, because

I didn't know how to do life, and I was going to pretend that I was capable to do a lot

of stuff to please you.

I'm a people pleaser.

I want to look good.

I don't want to be judged, you know, and pretending that I'm capable, and never ask for help,

and that was easy.

I was a child, and, you know, my mom used to give me good advices, but, you know, I

never knew how to finish it, and that was all my problems all the time.

You know, my home group is Pacific Group, and my grand sponsor is Clancy, and he talks

about, like, you know, alcohol is my solution.

You take the alcohol away from me, and I got stuck with me.

That is the problem.

I need to find out how to deal with myself, and that's really a hard work, you know, and

let me tell you that, you know, I've been to mental institutions.

I've been to a lot of rehabs in L.A.

I started that my first time that I got sober, that was 1994, and I got sober because I wanted

to get my wife back.

After that, I abused her.

I used to scare her, but I didn't know how to be a husband.

Okay.

And then I didn't have the courage to ask anybody to help me out because I know better,

and I'm going to find out, and that's my experience, you know?

But, I mean, as soon as I, you know, I, thanks God, because, you know, and my sobriety day

is June 6, 2002.

For that, I'm very grateful that I, you know, I used to have a house in Santa Monica, nice

house, in the corner, beautiful house.

And drink my Yuzin.

And drinking, I used to walk from Pico and 31st all the way to 6 in San Pedro to get

$5 of speed and walk back.

That was my best idea, okay?

But there was one time after, you know, about a year that I decided that that was a long

way to walk.

So, I moved.

I moved to 6 in San Pedro.

I left my house, and I left it all, and, you know, that was my solution.

You know?

Because I was there.

And that was like, you know, the beginning.

And I'm the type of alcoholic that, you know, I used to buy friendship, and I started with,

you know, like, I want to be popular.

And I used to invite a lot of people, like, you know, over my house and make these huge

parties, and, you know.

And at the beginning, you know, when you do, like, you do the first line, and you start

feeling like, oh, my God, this is good.

It's going to be great.

And, you know.

You want to talk.

You want to.

You don't let anybody talk, and you just, you know, just doing everything, you know?

And then, you know, it's the, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me tell you.

Let me tell you.

And then, you know, there's just, you know, a few hours after, you know, shots, smoking,

because you smoke a lot.

Then you do the second one.

And then you start feeling better.

Like, you know, you like everybody.

You're in love with everybody.

You know?

It's just like, you know, everybody's your friend.

Your best friend.

And, you know, wow, you guys, you know, the best.

And then you do another one, and then you go, like, you know, oh, man, we should start

a business.

We start a business.

You're the best, best, you know?

You know, the best chance to, you know, start a business, you know?

And then, you know, like, you know, one more, and then you want them to move in with you.

You know?

And then just like, you know, everybody, big happy family, you know?

And then, you know, hours pass.

Well, then, you know, it's like, you know, five in the morning, and then you start seeing

these guys, they're taking advantage of you.

These guys, they're robbing you.

You want these guys out of your house.

You know?

And then you just start, like, going crazy.

And then, you know, the next step for an alcoholic like me is that you grab the phone, and you

walk into the closet.

And then you're going to tell everybody that they owe you all the things you did for them

that you need.

They need to, you know, to tell you that, you know.

Sorry, you know?

And that's where the end of that.

And I used to do that, like, for six months at a time.

That was my life.

I went to the point that I used to smoke a kilo of cocaine, and I didn't know how to stop.

And that was my life.

I was lost.

But by that time that I made the decision that I needed to move to downtown after, you

know, a few months, you know, I was so lucky that there is a place, there used to be a

place in a forest in Los Angeles, it's called the Midnight Mission.

God took me there for the first time, you know, after I went to see a doctor, because then

after that, I started smoking speed, and I was bleeding, I was not eating, I was skinny.

And then I didn't realize that I was dying, even after the doctor told me, like, you know, if

you keep doing this, you're going to die.

And I promised him that I was going to stop.

Think that I stopped.

Stop?

No.

So for, you know, for the grace of God, I walked into the Midnight Mission because I

got hungry.

And that was the beginning of my recovery.

And I'm not going to tell you that it was not easy, but, you know, this program taught

me how to be responsible, how that I was capable to get a better life, and I worked in the

steps.

The first one is that, you know, to admit that I was an alcoholic, that every time

that I touched alcohol, my life changed.

But how that I'm going to maintain, or how that I'm going to achieve not to drink.

In my case, is that I drink, I stopped drinking one day at a time, and I, you know, and I feel

proud of me for not doing it.

And that was very slow process, and going to meetings, and be able to have some people

that, you know, the old timers in my group, they were just like, you know, they give me

a lot of help, you know, and told me that everything was going to be okay.

One day at a time.

Then I was, you know, after that, I wrote something about my, that I was powerless over

people, places, and things, because I, my wife got smart and asked me to divorce.

And I was very hurt.

She took a million point eight, and it left me homeless.

And I have to start from the beginning.

And today, I'm very...

Very proud of what I do, and they took me a long time to be responsible, because I never

worked in my life.

And you know, I can tell you that I come from a very good family, but you know, the problem

is me.

And I moved from city to another city, and it got stuck with me.

And for me to be, to realize that I was the problem, that took me a long time, big time,

you know?

And to learn how to deal with life.

Because the problem is life.

I don't know how to, you know, be able to be responsible every day, be in time, promise,

do what I promise to do.

And my sponsor, my first sponsor, his name is Sean Coleman, you know, after he sponsored

me for five years, he decided to go out and drink.

So that was very heartbreaking.

But for me, it's like what I, you know, when I come to meetings, it's the...

You know, I have to get all I can out of the meeting, you know?

And that's how I, you know, I managed to stay sober.

And be able to, you know, this program talks about one alcoholic talks to another alcoholic,

and then we can find the solution.

And you know, I got involved in HNI, and I used to go and speak in a lot of recovery

centers, you know?

And share my experience.

And let me tell you that, you know, for a long time, I suffered from that alcohol-less

body.

Be able to ask somebody for help and tell, you know, to be honest.

That is another, one of my biggest problems, you know?

I didn't know how to be honest with anybody.

You know, I worked the steps, I did, you know, my second step, I turned over the, my power

over the care of God.

And I let God take care of me.

Because that's what I did.

That's what I'm supposed to do, you know?

And I start, you know, doing the proper things so that I can get a peace of mind, you know?

Drink my drinking, and in party, I spent, you know, time with a lot of guys.

I was talking to him that I spent time with Bob Dylan getting high.

And I was only 14 years old.

Just because, you know, I needed to be recognized.

And I was thinking for that.

You know, to be recognized.

I don't know why, but there was something that I was trying to get, always.

And you know, this program, being in the Midnight Mission, I, taught me that, you know, I was

capable to, you know, to go back to school and, and learn, you know, I'm, I'm good in

doing some, I, I'm good selling, because that's what I used to do for a living, you

know?

I, I like equipment.

I like money.

So I used to make a lot of money.

When I was about 22 years old, I had a lot of money.

But an alcoholic like me, I don't know how to take care of the money, you know?

And I ended with nothing.

My wife is very happy because she has a house and has a lot of money, but not me.

That I have to start it over again.

And know how to start over again.

And learn how not to be resentful.

That was all my fault.

And be able to, to take it.

And I then, I've done amends to a lot of people.

Like, you know, I'm a good alcoholic.

We never think that you, that we want to hurt anybody.

And the first one, they, they, you know, they suffer as your family.

Today, I, I can tell you that I just got back into a relationship with my daughter.

She's 34 years old and I have a beautiful granddaughter.

They live in San Francisco.

They're very, very nice.

She's hippie.

She likes to smoke weed.

And sell weed.

And there's, I'm okay with that, you know?

That's their life.

And she's really nice.

And I'm glad that she's back with me.

And, and I have to be grateful that, you know, I, I try to be in service.

You know, I sponsor several people.

And you know, I got to thank these guys that, you know, that we work together.

Some days, you know, it's not easy.

But it's, it's, it's excellent.

Like, you know, not like before.

And, you know, I, now I stay, I have a business and I'm responsible.

I'm a good member of my family and I go to, I still go to a lot of meetings, you know?

And I try to do what's best for a lot of people.

I help a lot of people.

And that's what I need to do for the rest of my life.

Because thanks to you guys, I, I be able to stay here.

And, you know, I try to do what's best for a lot of people.

I help a lot of people.

And that's what I need to do for the rest of my life.

And share my experiences, strengthen, help, you know?

And for this is just the thing that I need to do for the rest of my life.

Because it's not a joke.

You know, if you knew and then you think like, you know, you come over here and like, you

know, like me.

I used to, I mean, I went out like, I don't know, 20 times.

You know, I mean, several times they, you know, the Santa, Santa Monica Police Department,

they took me to, to the Brownman Hospital.

many times and I left the hospital on my own and you know and they they told me if you leave you

know you might die and I didn't care because you know that I'm a sick guy and I don't know how to

I'm not capable to manage my own life but with the help of you know Alcoholics Anonymous I

my life changed and thanks to you guys you know and Alcoholics Anonymous and and the other thing

I have is that I need to make it simple you know less complicated like a good alcoholic we like

to complicate things we love to be complicated you know and that's that's how we used to live

like you know and then you know I just decided that I'm powerless over

people places and things and I let it go and that's what I do uh most of the time not everything

you know I'm the type of alcoholic that I like to uh everything has to go my way you know and if it's

not going my way I um about a month ago I you know I just asked me to leave the courtroom because I

was trying to uh manipulate manipulate and you know you honor you don't know this is not the

right thing

and she uh she was like will you please leave my courtroom yeah and uh you know and that's what

happened I try not to do it like you know but once in a while they you know they comes out and um

and then you know um today you know I can tell you that every day uh you know I know where I'm

going to sleep there was time that I'm you know I didn't know where I was gonna crash and um

have a mic

I have a house I have a car it's registered I have insurance I pay my bills and I try to be

honorable you know that was not the thing many years ago I tried to you know to do I

what you know I I can offer to another alcoholic I'm working you know the um the 12 steps with

two people right now the uh one time one guy told me that uh he has 10 days and um he was

Tell me yesterday that he hate all, everybody.

And I said, that's not a problem, man.

We all do that, you know.

I do too.

I don't care.

So what you do is that you come to a meeting tomorrow.

But how can I going to deal with these guys, you know?

And I just told him, like, you know, if you don't feel good, just walk away.

And, you know, take some air and come back and shake hands, you know.

Go around and shake hands with everybody.

Introduce yourself.

And he just called me before the meeting.

And he goes, wow, that thing works, you know.

How can you do that?

You know, I said, yeah, well, that was my experience, you know.

And, you know, I always going to be grateful.

And, you know, last month I lost my young.

Younger brother from a heart attack, you know.

And a year ago I had to admit myself with a heart attack, double heart attack.

Today I'm wearing a pacemaker because I don't have any veins on my heart.

So God has a plan for me, you know, that I need to be here.

And I'm going to try to do.

My best.

And I spent a year hating everybody.

Why me?

And my rabbi told me, why not you?

You know, you were the one that was smoking.

Nobody put anything on your mouth.

You were the one that, you know, did it.

And I came to the terms that, you know, everything that happened to me is my own problem.

And what I have to do is, as long as I keep my life simple, everything else gets in place.

So, you know.

For the rest of my life, you know, I have to come to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I do H&I.

I speak, you know, in a lot of panels.

And I asked to be the main speaker in a lot of places.

And it's always good that I can express myself about what happened to me.

If anybody knew, you know, can get anything from my speech.

I'm going to be grateful for the rest of my life.

And thanks God that I'm still here.

You know, there was a time that, you know, I didn't know what was going to happen next day.

But when I, you know, there was a guy in my group.

They told me, like, you know, you get, you make five phone calls to an Alzheimer's and just check it.

And they got me, you know, the solution.

I always found, you know, that it's much easier to talk.

To another alcoholic and not get in pain.

Because we were easy.

We get, you know, to the place, to the dark place.

And it's not going to work.

It's not, I'm not going to be capable.

And today is not the case with me.

And, you know, how much time do I have?

Five minutes?

Yeah.

So, you know, for the newcomers, you know, I, you know, I'm working, you know, the steps.

I work the first step.

And I made it that I'm an alcoholic, that I cannot manage my own life.

And then that I have to always think about, you know, my last run.

And, you know, I came to believe that there is a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

And then, you know, turn my life over the care of God, as I understood, is that's the three steps that, you know, that saved my life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, you know, when I do a four step with my sponsees, it's just like, you know, and for me, that was the step to be honest with me and others.

We're all going to think like, you know, I'm not going to share this with anybody because you think like, you know, you unique and we're not, you know, we all the same.

And then for that, it's just like, you know, what I have to do.

I have to practice that every day, you know, and in many places, you know, and they, I share my four step with my sponsor and, and I think I thought that, you know, that he was going to judge me.

And that was the opposite that, you know, he never told me anything like, you know, he told me, just keep doing what you do it because he said, you know, it's working.

And, uh, for that, I just, I'm going to be grateful to, to that guy, you know, and, um, and, you know, I, I, um, I have this, uh, all time in, in my group that his name is, it was, uh, Frank Jones, Frank Jones.

Uh, I always used to come to the meetings and check in with him and he always told me exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm a selfist, self-centered.

And then I...

And I need to work with the newcomers and for that, I just, you know, I'm very grateful for that guy for, uh, for my life, for, uh, you know, to keep me sober, you know, as the, uh, for a guy like me, it's not easy to stay sober, you know?

And, um, you know, this time that I got the operation, um, they asked me the, if I needed some morphine, you know, and I told them, no, I don't even need anesthesia, just go ahead, you know?

And the doctor went like, are you crazy?

Say, no, I'm an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic and I cannot, you know, take anything that, you know, they're affecting from my neck up.

And he goes, are you sure?

You know, it's gonna, it's gonna make you feel good.

And I said, yeah, probably, you know, but, you know, an alcoholic of my type, if I take a little bit of that, you know, today, I, you know, I'm taking a lot of medications, but I mean, I stay away from drugs and alcohol.

They just like, you know, I, I have to be very careful.

And, uh, you know, there's just, uh, uh, to maintain my, my, uh, my head clear is that I have to be coming to meetings, share with another alcoholic.

And, uh, you know, be able to, uh, participate in Alcoholics Anonymous for the rest of my life.

And, um, right now, I stay, you know, working, you know, um, the steps that, you know, they remind me all the time, you know, um, all the things that I need to do to maintain my sobriety.

And, um, I have been struggling a lot with the, you know, to making amends with, uh, alcoholics.

I don't know about you guys, but, um, I don't get along with my family.

And that's a big issue, you know?

And, uh, and I talked to my sponsor in class, he, and he goes like, you know, you have to surrender, you know, it's nothing you can do.

And you have to make amends to all of them for your part.

And, uh, I'm not working on it.

And some days I'm telling you that I'm not feeling like, you know, phew, this is going to change me, you know?

And, um, but that will be good for me.

For my sanity and, uh, you know, it's just, you know, um, this is what this program has been teaching me.

Like, you know, be accountable and try to do what's best for others, not for me.

Because I want everything for me.

I'm a selfish guy.

And, um, try to be, um, you know, the best that I can be in every day in my life.

It's not easy some days.

And, um...

Like today is the, you know, um, I got here early.

And that was before I didn't know how to get anywhere early.

And I've been responsible.

I will go to the courthouse and I'm there.

And, um, in thanks to this program, I'll be able to do that for a long time, you know, for 18 years.

And, uh, I believe that I'm going to be finished a little bit early because I, you know, I think I did enough.

Thank you for letting me share.

Thank you.