From Fear to Freedom: Dan's Childhood and Alcohol

Dan, I'm an alcoholic. Thank Oscar for asking me to participate. I spoke a couple weeks ago at

Sunday morning Van Nuys meeting. Nolan heard me. He's disappointed that he has to hear me again,

so I'm going to change up my talk a little bit so that way Nolan gets a brand new talk.

So I'm not really sure what we're going to talk about. I enjoyed the first two 10-minute speakers.

I'm very much like them, actually. I really identify with John wholeheartedly. I am like him.

I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri, and I was a smart kid. I was a straight-A student.

But I was, I guess you would call it shy, but really like through inventory. I was selfish.

I was self-seeking, and I was frightened is what I was. And dishonest,

if it could get me somewhere. But certainly, and my thing, my self-seeking part was I came up with

answers to try to get people to like me. I thought by overachieving, you would like me more if I was

superior to you, which in retrospect, if you think about it, it really doesn't work that way.

It just makes you not like me more. But I was super ambitious like that.

And so continuing to separate myself from my fellows. I was kind of related to you as well,

too. I'm someone who was so afraid of people and just like what you thought of me. When I was in

school, like sixth grade, maybe seventh grade, seventh grade, I wouldn't go to lunch because

I was afraid to interact with the people. So I would go and I would hang out in the bathroom.

And I know, you got a weirdo here today.

And I would eat my lunch in the stall because I was afraid to interact with people. Because you

go in the lunchroom, there's all those people, and I didn't have a tribe. And I was afraid to

ask people if I could sit with them, or if I'm sitting alone, you would point at me and say,

you're sitting alone. So it was easier to be in the bathroom. But the problem in the bathroom is

sometimes people would come into the bathroom, the other weirdos, and want to hang out in another

stall. And then I'm like, oh my God, I've got it. I'm going to walk out of here, and everyone's going

to be out front of the bathroom, and when the bell rings, they're going to be laughing on me.

So I'd have to leave that bathroom. And I had alternative bathrooms, and then I could go.

So slightly self-centered when I was a child, as you could see. And I grew up in a home where there

was drinking. That's one difference. There was drinking in my home. And it was apparent that

drinking was a problem in my home. My dad was the drinker. And my dad was like a Dr. Jekyll,

Mr. Hyde drinker. My dad was a colleague. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He

was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker. He was a drinker.

My dad was a college basketball star, a really good athlete, good-looking, charismatic, funny.

Everybody liked my dad. And my dad was a great dad when he was sober. He coached our basketball

teams. He coached our baseball teams. He went on the Boy Scout campouts with us,

go on float trips with us. Super cool dad. But when my dad was drinking, he had the

allergy to alcohol, so he wouldn't come home. And when he would come,

home, my mom would lock the door and not let him in. And he would beat the door down.

And then there would be a knock-down, drag-out fight in the living room. And the cops would get

called. And I was the kid, the middle kid, who would referee the fight. And I can just remember

as a kid being terrified of that situation, terrified when he's not coming home knowing

what's going to happen. And there was no delusion in my mind what the variable in that equation was.

I knew exactly what it was. Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor,

It was alcohol. And when my dad was drinking, that's what went on. When my dad wasn't drinking,

that didn't go on. So I made a decision as a little kid, I'm never going to drink alcohol,

and I'm going to get the hell out of this house. So those are my two goals, to get out.

Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

And I also, I knew I was smart. And my goal was to parlay that into a life for myself, to use my

mind to create a successful life for myself. Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety,

sponsor, home group terrified when he's not coming home knowing what's going on. So I kept those

promises up until... And I was such a super achiever. I was an altar boy, but a super altar

boy, not just a... So a super altar boy, he goes to mass Monday through Friday at 6 AM mass,

do you know what I mean? And would altar boy every day. I never once felt the presence of God.

Never once did I feel like this is home for me. It was just one more achievement,

for Dan. You know what I mean? Trying to lock up the things that would, I don't know,

get me brownie points or something. I don't know what the hell I was doing,

but it certainly wasn't filling my spirit. And I, in eighth grade, my dad took me out of school

one day, which he had done many times. And we'd sneak off, I'm from St. Louis, so we'd sneak off

to the Cardinal baseball game. He'd make up some excuse to sneak me out of school. And we went to

the Cardinal baseball game and he bought me a beer. And I drank that beer and I felt great.

Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

and he went up to the bathroom. Come on. He went off to the bathroom and I drank his beer

and I felt wonderful. I was laughing. I was just, I, for me, what it did relieve,

it relieved me of the bondage of self. It's that simple. It took my fear away.

It took away the big like spotlight on myself. And I swapped fences from that day, even with

all the negative effects that alcohol had had on my life up to that point, not even my drinking.

Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group,

somebody else is drinking, but I knew what the effect was. I swapped fences that day from I'm

never going to drink alcohol to I'm going to drink alcohol at every available opportunity.

And I didn't tell anybody that I didn't write it down. I didn't say it, but that's exactly what I

did. And so my life took a different trajectory. I was, I was no longer, well, like I said, I got

straight A's all the way up through eighth grade. So, and I had a, come on, get closer. So I came,

Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group,

I, I, uh, Dan R, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group,

I, uh, what did I do? I was going to school. I was a straight A student. I, um, took a drink

and then I, uh, uh, bad things started to happen. I, I, by the time I was in 10th grade,

I had dropped out of school with D's and F's. I had an older brother who's one year older than me.

And he's a different, he's alcoholic as well, too. Different type of alcoholic than me. He's not like

a good seed that took a drink and went bad. He was a bad seed. It's that simple. And he just put

alcohol on the bad seed. That's what happened with him. So he was like D's and F's from the gate. You

know what I mean? And then he became a DNF, drug addict, alcoholic. So a little different than me.

I was so different. And he was like the, he's somebody, a different type of alcoholic that

when he drinks, he wants to fight. I'm not a fighter at all. I'm not looking to fight.

I'm not looking to join a gang, but I'm no longer afraid of you. I just, you know, I'm not afraid of

you. I'm not looking to join a gang, but I'm no longer afraid of you. I just, you know, I'm not

I'm no longer afraid of you. I just, you know, I, before I take a drink, I'm afraid to walk down

this aisle and go to the bathroom. But after I take a drink, I'm okay. I don't give a shit what

you think about me. You know what I mean? I'm not looking to fight you. Not looking, I'm just,

I'm not afraid anymore. I'm okay in my skin is what alcohol does for me. So I drank. And, and

like I said, I dropped out of school with D's and F's and got a job working at Coco's in St. Louis.

Uh, where my brother worked. Do you know what I mean? We, we ended up at the same place. He was a

cook. I was a cook. We were, uh, um, he was 18. I was 17 and he got in some trouble one night. He,

uh, my brother also, my brother was really good looking and he like girls would date me to get to

my brother. Do you know what I'm saying? That kind of bullshit. So, so, so he, uh, uh, but my

brother, my brother would have trouble, uh, with women. He would, what my brother would do is drink

and he'd want to go visit ex-girlfriends. Do you know what I'm saying? And they would have moved

on with a new boyfriend, which is against the rules. Do you know what I mean? So fights would

ensue, blah, blah, blah. So that's what happened one night. My brother got, uh, got, uh, a lot of

trouble and my brother, uh, ended up in jail. Um, so, uh, back then we're talking about way back.

Um, they would give you a choice. If you got in trouble, you could either go in the military

or you could go, uh, to jail. And, uh, I don't know if they have that option anymore, but they,

they, they did then. And my brother said, you know, I've been thinking about joining the military as a

matter of fact. So off my brother went into the army and my brother went to bootcamp and AIT and

he came back nine days later and he was changed. He was different. Like he, you know, obviously

they had shaved his head and cause he was a long haired hippie, like ripped guy. You know what I

mean? But he looked like totally normal. And, uh, but that's not what caught me off guard.

What caught my eye is my brother had a purpose in his life. Like he was excited about his life.

He was going to become a, a Jeep mechanic. He was going to school and then he was going to Korea.

And here I was, uh, I'm the smart kid and I'm at Coco's and I'm flipping hamburgers so I can get

money to buy Boone's farm, apple wine, bad dog, 2020, maybe get a 15, you know, gig a pot. And

so I would stop every once.

And look at my life and say, what is going on? Do you know what I mean? How I just in that vicious

cycle and, uh, without any knowing that I should be doing something, but incapable of getting out

of that situation. So my brother was essentially a pro program of attraction for me. You know what

I mean? He, I saw something in my brother. He had made a decision or the, the judge made a decision

for him and, uh, and it positively affected his life. So obviously,

if you want something that somebody has, the obvious conclusion is you, if you do what they

did, you'll get what they got. Right. So that's, I, so I made a decision to join the army. So I went

down, I took the ASFAB test, which is very simple. Uh, it's, uh, you have to get 8% on the army ASFAB

test and it's a multiple choice test. So think about that 8%, right? So basically you have to

guess, right? Not even once out of every 10 times and the army will take you and you have to pass

the physical. There's nothing physical. You have to pass the physical. You have to pass the physical.

There's nothing physical wrong with me. Um, but if you're 17, you have to get your dad to sign or

your mom, which my dad was more than happy to sign. And, uh, but the army also has a special

emotional maturity test, a 50 question emotional maturity test. And what are those like? I don't

know if you've ever taken them. They're kind of big nowadays too. And with a job interviews where

basically it's a personality test where they ask you ambiguous, ambiguous questions like,

do you like to hang out with a group or hang out by yourself in a bathroom?

During lunchtime. Yeah. That's not the, that wasn't the exact verbiage, but that was the,

that was the thought process in the test. You know what I mean? And so I didn't think anything of it.

I just took the test, you know, and my recruiter had assured me no one has ever passed or no one

has ever failed this test. Don't worry about it. Right? So I took this 50 question test. They

graded it. My recruiter came out to inform me that we now have somebody who has failed the emotional

maturity test. And I started,

I started crying and, and, and, and he figured out why I failed his emotional maturity test. Right?

So I was crying all the way home. And he's like, he's like, no, don't worry about it. Cause in six

months you're going to be 18. And then the test has no relevance at all, but you know how we are,

you know, I'm an alcoholic. And so I, uh, I immediately went into, yeah, forget it. You

know what I mean? You had your chance at this. You know what I mean? Forget it. Right? Well,

I'm in front of him cause I'm trying to save a little bit of face. Right. But,

but the truth is I got home and I was just like, oh my God, you know what I mean? Where am I going

to go? What am I going to do? Uh, so, but it turns out the recruiters are in cahoots and, uh, and if,

if you're not, not smart enough to get into the Navy, the Navy will give your name to the army.

And it turns out if you're not emotionally mature enough to get in the army, they give your name to

the Navy. So the Navy called me the next day and they said, Hey, guess what? We don't have an

emotional maturity test. We'll take you just the way you are. So off I went in the United States.

Navy just turned out to be a blessing because I'm not army material. I am definitely Navy material.

So I took me to the Navy unbeknownst that I was an alcoholic unbeknownst that I was in the grips

of a disease, which would get progressive over time. Unbeknownst the changing places,

uh, changing States, changing jobs, changing friends, changing, uh, anything is not going to

change the progression of my disease. I had no idea. How would I know?

No clue. All's I knew is that, uh, I'm going, I'm joining the Navy. So I took me to the Navy

and, uh, there was a window when it was good. I joined when I was 17. I went overseas for six

months, nine months, actually it was a world cruise and, uh, and it was good, you know, for,

uh, like 18, 19 year old, however old I was. I came back. I ended up on shore duty on the East

coast. I was a F14 instructor. I had become an F14 electrician. I was at a 14 instructor and,

uh, by day, uh, uh, by night, uh, I was a F14 instructor. I was a F14 instructor. I was a F14

instructor. I was a TGI Fridays bartender, which is just a wonderful job for an alcoholic. I was

young. I had hair. I was cute. I, uh, I had control of the liquor and I'm, I, and I'm the

kind of guy that bartending is great for me if I'm drinking with you, because when I'm drinking,

I'm funny, I'm charismatic. I can crack jokes. I can, uh, uh, just, I have game. You know what

I mean? When I'm drinking, alcohol is magic for me. When I'm sober, um,

uh, self-obsessed, I'm catatonic, I'm weird. Um, uh, not a guy you want behind the TGI Fridays bar,

I assure you. So I drank, you know what I mean? And there were times when I over drank behind the

bar. Like I remember counting till sometime and the manager would be like, you're drunk,

you know? And I'm like, well, you know how you just like, shuff it off, shuff it off, right?

I should have been fired a number of times. Like I'm counting my money with one eye closed. That's

where we were, you know, terrible, terrible. I got into some trouble along the line. Um, but I was

able to fluff it off back then being in the military carried clout. Like I would get pulled

over then. And this one time I got pulled over and, uh, God, I was in East St. Louis. I would

went home on leave my little game, a little stick, you know, cause I was like, uh, trying to run the

stick. So my game, when I would go to St. Louis on leave would be, I'd wear my uniform. Uh, and so,

and then I'd go during the early part.

And then I'd hang out in the, like, you know, the VOA bars or the, you know, the, uh, veterans of

foreign wars or stuff like that, because they would just, I did not have to pay for one drink.

You know what I mean? That would just, they would just load me up or even go to regular bars and

there'd be veterans in there just buying me drink after drink, have to drink. Then the game plan

would be to go to some extra late night activity. And then, and then the plan was, is that these

women would be like, Oh my God, you're defending me. You're defending me. You're defending me.

You're defending the country. Let me take you home. You know what I mean? That part of the plan

never worked out, but the first part did right. The third part is I would inevitably get pulled

over, which I did on a few occasions by the police and the police would take pity on me.

I was coming. I was, I crossed over into East St. Louis one night, which is a, uh, which if you're

anybody here from St. Louis, okay. Then you don't understand. So, but I went to East St. Louis,

uh, cause that's where like the strip clubs are. Right. So, and I was,

and the problem with going to the strip clubs is when you come back from the strip clubs,

you have to go like, there's like one row. It's just, it's, it's like fishing in a trout hatchery.

Do you know what I mean? You just throw out your reel and you pull it. So the cops just sit on the

side of the road and just watch the guy coming by at 4am and they know you're hammered. You know

what I mean? You're completely drunk and they just throw your wheel out and bring you in. So,

you know, and I'm weaving, they pull me over and they're like, uh, you're drunk. Um, but you're in

the military.

Obviously. And, uh, we're going to cut you a break. We're going to leave your car here. We're

going to let you, we're going to take you into jail. We're not going to charge you. We're going

to let you sleep it off. And I'm going to drive you back to your car in the morning. And you think

I would be like, Oh my God, thank you. Do you know what I mean? Thank you. But I'm the idiot

in the jail all night long, banging on the wall. I have rights. You have to let me out of here,

charge me or let me out of here. So that's, that's who I am grateful for being helped. Right.

So anyway, I, uh, so this is when it's going good for me. This is when alcohol is actually working

and unbeknownst to me, alcoholism has taken a ride down the, uh, down this slide to, uh,

I'm bottoming out. Uh, and I am, I'm not aware of it. And I got into some, I got into some serious

trouble in the Navy. I got busted for cocaine on a urinalysis test and I got popped and, um,

they busted me. They gave me, um, uh, reduced me in rank, uh, took half a month's pay.

Um, and it's terrible when that happens to you in the military. No one talks to you. No one looks

at you. They turn around, they walk away. You know what I mean? You're completely shunned.

And, but they didn't kick me out. And again, you think I'd be grateful for that, that I would have

learned my lesson and said, you know what, I'm going to turn my life and, uh, and I'm going to

take this, but I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. I have a disease and it won't let me do

that. And so I, uh, uh, my plan was I was coming up for orders and my plan was to, uh, you know,

uh,

go to California. I needed to get out of Virginia beach. Right. And I pictured California as like a,

like a grateful dead concert. I'd never been to California, but I just figured it was, uh,

just sex, drugs, rock and roll, and the cops don't care. Right. And it turns out the cops care

a lot as I found out. And I went to San Diego and I, uh, I got three DUIs just clip, clip, clip.

And, uh, I got two DUIs and then I went overseas for six months and I was overseas. I was in Perth,

Australia. And, um, you know, you pull into port, you know, every month or whatever, three weeks,

every month, we were in Perth, Australia and me and some buddies drinking buddies, we went golfing.

And then after golfing, we were in the 19th hole getting drunk and, uh, I couldn't shut my head

off. Uh, you know, where your head's just running, uh, a hundred miles an hour and all the things

you've done are just cranking right in your head. And normally I can drink that away and I was

drinking it away or I was trying to drink it away. I was drunk cause you could get, and it wouldn't

go away. And I was like, I'm going to drink it away. And I was like, I'm going to drink it away.

And for four days I tried to drink it away and I couldn't drink it away. And then I got scared

because I knew that I was, had to go back on the ship and there wasn't going to be alcohol for the

next 30 days. And I was going crazy. I was going nuts. I didn't know that I was dying of alcoholism.

I had no idea. Uh, I thought I was going crazy. And so I got back to the ship and, um, the first

thing you do when the ship pulls out, I was running the F-14 shop is, and so all the directors have

to come in and report on what you're going to, uh, uh, work on, what the jet's conditions,

the jets are in, blah, blah, blah to the master chief. So all the directors are there and I'm

dying. I'm, um, and normally I'm the, the funny guy spotlight on Dan, uh, you know, making sure

that everybody knows how smart I am kind of guy. You know what I mean? Just same kid as he was when

he was six years old. Uh, but not tonight, not that night. I had black circles around my eyes.

I had sweat running down my face. Um, I had a head that wouldn't shut up. It felt like every

secret I had, you could read right on my face. I had a head that wouldn't shut up. I had a head

in my forehead. Uh, and I was terrified and it got around to me. I couldn't even talk. And the

master chief looked out at me and he said, you know, when we get back to San Diego, somebody's

going to get a psychiatric evaluation. And I thought, oh my God, he can see it. He can see it.

And, uh, cause I was hoping it was just me and my, you know, me being paranoid. It wasn't me

being paranoid. And so I went to my rack that night and I thought, you know, what am I going

to do? Uh, what can I do? And I thought, you know, I need, I'm going to kill myself. That's what I'm

about. Just jumping out in the middle of the ocean. Cause I was like, there's, there was nowhere

to turn for me. I knew that night. I knew, uh, intuitively I was beyond human aid, that there

was nothing, there was nobody could help me. And that, uh, that it was just me and that I was in

deep trouble. I didn't know what the trouble was, but I knew where the trouble was. I knew it was

inside of me. And I knew that, uh, you couldn't help me. And, uh, so my second thought was to go

down and turn myself into the medical officer and just, you know, I was in deep trouble. And I

was like, you know what? I'm thinking about killing myself. And, uh, that had happened to a

few guys before, uh, that worked for me over the years. And when you do that, they keep you safe.

Um, they fly you off the next day. They put you on a P3 or not a P3, a C3 and fly you off and they

get you to a naval or military hospital. Uh, but your military career is over. And, uh, and that's

all I had. And I love the military and I, uh, but I was that close to doing that to just throwing my

because I was going to kill myself. And I didn't know how not to do that. I was terrified of

myself. And, um, my third choice was to ask God for help. Uh, uh, my experience, like I said,

was growing up, uh, as a Catholic. Uh, my family was Catholic. They were religious, but it was,

it was a, it was a, not a feeling of spiritual help available to me, uh, that I could do it.

Actually, the way I had it, like summed up in my head is the only way,

the only way that I could reach God or call God was to talk to a priest. And then the priest at

that, are you coming back? Are we good? Yeah. This is a first.

It's been me before. So I, uh, where was I at? Holy moly. You're going to have to adjust this

talk a little bit. Where was I at? Suicide. Yes. Not now. This is like 30 years ago.

Just be clear on that.

Tonight. No, what? So I, but I was 30 years ago and I, uh, holy moly. So 30 years ago. Yes. So I

was suicidal. And my third choice was to ask God for help. And my experience or my thought process,

I didn't know that I could just go to God myself. I didn't know that God lived inside of me.

I thought God was out there somewhere. And to contact God, you contact a priest.

And then the priest in turn calls God. And then God talks to the priest. And then,

he relays the information. That's how nobody ever told me that. No one ever like showed me that

on like a PowerPoint presentation. That's just how I had it worked out in my head. So there was no

priest in my rack that night. So I, the natural assumption is I'm going to have to become a

priest, right? So what I know about priests is priests don't drink and they don't fool around

in the, uh, in the, in the foreign lands. And, uh, and I like to drink, uh, and I like to

fool around in the foreign lands. And, uh, so it was my two biggest chips that I had to put on the

altar that night. So I thought, well, uh, before making that decision. And finally, I just made

that decision of God, uh, simply from my heart. If you remove this fear, I'll never drink again.

And I'll never fool around in the foreign parts again. And, uh, and you know what happened? The

fear went away just like that. So the fear went away and I, uh, uh, is everything okay? All right.

So the fear went away and, uh, I was able to, uh, I was able to function the next morning. I went to,

I went to the, um, I went to the morning meeting the next morning. Everything was good. I, uh,

my master chief looked at me to see if I was okay. I'm like, I'm good. Right. And so, um,

30 days later, uh, we pulled into Hawaii like you always did on the way back through before you get

to San Diego. And, um, what I usually did in Hawaii was drink for 19 hours cause you're only

there for a short stay. And, uh, but I had made that promise. I was never going to drink again.

Right. And I was drunk the whole time I was there. And I, I remember coming back in a, in a cab,

driving, uh, coming back in a cab, going to, um, uh, going to the ship and just crying in the back

and my friend in the front, just, um, you know, looking at me what's going on. And I remembered

that prayer I had asked. I remember the fear went away and I wasn't able to keep my part of the

deal. I didn't know that I was incapable of doing that. I didn't know that I was incapable of doing

that. I didn't know that I was powerless over alcohol. And so, uh, I didn't know what to do.

So we got back to, we got back to San Diego and what I did for about the next nine months was

try to not get in trouble. That was the plan. Try not to get in trouble. So, so what I did was

volunteered to work the night shift where I would work like 3 PM to 1 AM. Therefore I, I wouldn't,

uh, I wouldn't have time to go to the bars and drink at night. I'd have to drink at home when

I got home. I'd have to drink at home when I got home. I'd have to drink at home when I got home.

Uh, so I wouldn't get a DUI and the plan worked except the weekends would come around. So I ended

up picking up a third DUI and, uh, uh, God, just feeling terrible. I remember I, I, I got it coming

back across the Tijuana border and, uh, they put me in Chula Vista and in the military, they pick

you up in the morning and the van deliver all the people from the three jails in San Diego back to

your command. And I just got back. And then I went down to Chula Vista and I got my car and I came

back up to Poway where I was living.

And it was like Sunday morning. And I was, I pulled out, there's a church right there and

all the people are going into church. And I remember looking at all them, all the kids,

and I was just, uh, all the people going to church. And I was just, you know, out in front,

just crying my eyes out, you know, just, uh, you know, maybe I'll go in there, but I knew

that there wasn't help in there for me. I'm like, they're not like me. They're,

they're different kinds. They're, I just knew it wasn't my people. And, uh, so I went home

and, uh, two weeks later, the Navy put me in a two week treatment center. And,

uh, part of that two week treatment center was to go to four Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

And the first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I went to was at the Mirame Solano Club. And it was,

um, it was a speaker meeting. There was a girl speaking that night and I identified with her

down in my gut, not, not in my head, not intellectually, but in my spirit,

the same place that alcohol affected me. The first time I drank is the same place that when

one alcoholic shared with me, it affected me that night. I've been a member of Alcoholics

Anonymous ever since, uh, coming back for the same reason. I prefer to sit out there and just

identify with the alcoholics that are, that are sharing up here because I identify with them and

I get free for the day, one day free without alcohol. But I like, uh, you know, I was thinking

about, you know, the shares tonight. I, I was sober for, um, I was sober for, uh, so I ended

up getting sober. I was sober for 30 days. I had to go overseas for six months and I had worked the

first three steps. And, um, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and I had a powerful spiritual experience. I, uh, much like Bill, I had one of those white light

experiences at the third step. And it was so white that I figured I don't need to do step four

through nine. You know what I mean? I was able to like, because I understand like, if you didn't

have that type of experience, you'd have to do all that other work. You know what I mean? So,

so, and I can remember explaining this to, uh, to the old timers on my aircraft carrier and they're

like, okay, that, yeah. So, so, uh, the second port we pulled in was, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the

Philippines. And I was in a bar not to drink just to hang out, you know, and, uh, somebody pushed a

drink my way and I didn't have the power to say, no, I have powerless over alcohol. And I took a

drink and I went running back to the ship and I went running back to one of the old timers. And

I'm like, I need to, uh, I just took a drink and I need to, I need to work a four step. So I worked

the four step for no other reason than I don't want to drink alcohol as it. And I proved to

myself from my own experience that if I don't do a four step, I don't want to drink alcohol.

I'm going to drink because that's exactly what happened. So then it came time to do the fifth

step. And there was a lot of stuff on my fifth step that I did not want to share with anyone.

Uh, obviously, especially people on an aircraft carrier who were in the military as well,

right? But it was made very clear to me that if I don't, I'm going to drink. And if I drink,

I'm going to die. So therefore I had to, I had to go all in on that and share my fifth step. Uh,

and it went well, do you know what I mean? It was like in the middle of the, we did it on the side of

the, uh, aircraft carrier and the hangar bay in the middle of the night with people walking by.

So I'd be, I'd be like sharing my soul. And I had not cried for 10 years. Do you know what I mean?

Like, like I just turned me to cold and about halfway through that inventory, I just opened

the, the, my heart cracked and I just started crying, which is kind of embarrassing when you're

on an aircraft carrier, people walking by, but that's what it did for me. When I was done reading

it, he allowed me to throw that fifth step out in the middle of the ocean, which was a good place

to throw that thing. You know what I mean? At least somebody find it. So, so that was my thing.

I did drink another time. The next cruise I was out there, I was, uh, I stopped going to meetings

for a couple of weeks. I was sober maybe a year and a half and I had been sick and I had a couple

bottles of Robitussin cough syrup in my locker, um, for when I was sick, which is legal. Uh,

but this particular night I wasn't sick and I, and, but I, but I had stopped going to meetings.

And you know, when you get that pit in your gut and you just need something to fix that pit.

And I drank both of those bottles of Robitussin cough syrup. Ah, I know that's, there you have it.

Fine dining and, uh, got a little buzz and, um, didn't tell anyone, you know what I mean?

But every time somebody would say, I haven't had anything in my system since such and such a day,

uh, I would squirm in my chair cause I knew I was lying, you know? And I, and I felt so bad and I

kept that secret for about a year and a half. And then finally I just said, you know, I told my

sponsor, I'm like, Hey, I did this. And he's like, did you cheat? I'm like, yes. He's like,

and then you got to change your date. I'm like, but everybody will think I'm a liar. And he's like,

no one gives a shit. You know what I mean? No one cares. No one cares, you know? Uh, but I cared,

you know what I mean? So, so I did, I changed my date and, uh, uh, isn't it weird the stuff that

we'll do to save our own ego? You know what I mean? So stupid, like who cares, right? But back

then.

And, uh, so I changed my date and, uh, and I've been sober 29 years. That's how long I've been

sober. So I, uh, so I've worked the steps a number of times, um, which have been powerful experiences

for me. Um, uh, and it's not something, um, it's not something I'm certainly not someone and some

people are of that variety, but it hasn't been my experience where they work the steps and then

they're able to ride that for the rest of their sobriety. That's not been my experience at all.

And, and I've tried it. I've tried it, um, uh, for a longer period of times. My, my normal thing is

maybe three to five years and I end up in a workshop. And what happens is, is I start dying

on the inside. You know what I mean? Like, or I go to sleep, uh, even though I'm here and I'm doing

the stuff, uh, I start getting, I'm just like disconnected. I can't wait for the meeting to get

over. I'm not connected with my higher power stuff, starting,

to like build up, uh, resentments are starting to build up and, um, and I'm starting to get fearful

again and my life isn't going anywhere. Do you know what I mean? I'm just kind of stuck in the

same routine. And so, uh, what happened to me, uh, about a year ago, actually two years ago,

I started this workshop. I did this workshop, uh, with Herb K. I don't know if anybody ever

has done that one. I've done it before. And, uh, I just had a great experience with that. And,

and, and I made a decision this time. I'm not gonna, I don't wanna,

I don't wanna stop. I don't wanna like, okay, I've had this great experience. Now write it out for a

while until you like, uh, are drowning again. And then hopefully you'll get another life preserver

thrown at you before you drink. You know what I mean? And, uh, so I decided just to like jump

into another workshop and just to stay in that flow, you know? And I'm so glad I did that. Uh,

we're in, I'm in, well, we as a group, we're all doing it as a group. There's like 50 of us. We're

all just like going through the steps. We're in a men's right now. And like,

I, I've made some amends. I actually made amends yesterday that somebody that's shown up on my list

like three times, but I've never had the, the power or just whatever to go to this person and

make amends. Cause I had it like, like it was, um, like it was going to go bad. You know what I mean?

Like it was like, it was going to be terrible. I just felt terrible at what I did to this guy

in my mind. You know what I mean? It turns out the amends was nothing. He's like,

what are you talking about? You know what I mean? And so, but I'll tell you how I got to,

I had amends. I was up the street from that amends and getting ready to call him and,

and back to the, back to the same denominator. It's either call him and make the amends or drink.

What is your choice to be? What's it going to be, Dan? What are you going to do? That's what you're

trying to do. You're trying not to drink again. This is what they say you ought to do. So I made

the amends and it was great, you know? So, and I have some more to go. You know, I was watching

this movie and went and saw this movie last night, uh, just by chance. I don't know if anybody ever

pick out a movie and go. So I went and saw this movie Jenga. Um, do you know what Jenga is? I didn't

know what Jenga is either. Jenga is, uh, in the, um, Arabian world, Afghanistan, the tribal leaders,

um, have a Jenga and that's where all the elders get together and they make a decision on what to

do with somebody. And the premise of this movie is that this guy, this Australian guy from the

military, uh, who was dropped down in Afghanistan kills this guy and he, and he didn't mean to kill

him, uh, but he did. Um, he killed an innocent and he was, um, uh, had a wife and kids and he felt

terrible. Uh, and he was at the point of his life where he was going to commit suicide and he knew

the only thing he could do was try to make amends to, uh, to clean that situation up. And so he went

to Afghanistan, uh, back to that village where he killed the guy and, uh, to, uh, to make amends to

that family, to make amends to the...

wife, and to the kids. Powerful movie, powerful movie. And he went not for forgiveness and not for

anything other than he had to go. He had no choice because he knew he was going to die if he didn't.

And so I totally identified with this guy that we have the same thing. We have this disease

where it's clear in the book, you know, where we have to do these things or we're going to drink

again. And our experience shows that if we drink, we're going to die. So in a sense, it's like a

good, it's a good thing that it forces me to do that. Because if I didn't, I'll stay in the middle

zone, which I'm not happy with. You know what I mean? It doesn't fill my soul to be half in,

you know? When I'm all the way in, I'm connected with my higher power. Right now in this moment,

I'm connected with God and I am full of light and I am full of love and I'm at peace with myself.

I'm at peace alone. So I hope if you're new that you find what I have. Thank you.