Finding Sobriety Through Family and Service

Thank you for having the steps through here. Hi everybody, I'm little Lupe from Pacoima, AA, and I am an alcoholic and my sobriety date is February 2nd, 1994, and thank you for asking me to come out here to speak, ask her. I overlooked the dates, you know, I did have it, I had QL, that I'm coming to QL, and I said, okay, someone's going to call me, but I didn't have enough, today, this weekend was a busy weekend, I have, Pacoima has their 40th

9th annual, 46th annual Al Capone, and I'm of service, you know, I've been there, you know, all day yesterday, and today, I got there early in the morning, and I was, I was in jeans, you know, with holes in them, and stuff, and then, I didn't ask nobody to come, because we're all being of service, I didn't want to pull them away from their, from their commitments, you know, so I said, I'm going to do it solo this time, and my brother Pete, you know, he's been around for over 30 years also, you know, we've been doing this together, you know, we're not a couple, he's my brother,

and sobriety, life in session, okay, they were like, taking inventory over there, we've been around a long time, okay, so I just had to make clear that you guys, but today, you know, I come from a family of 10 kids, six brothers, and three sisters, and my brother wouldn't have no New Yorker there, you know, with that hat, you know, they always tease him when he comes to the house, too, or his Dallas Cowboy, they're Raider fans, you know, and I'm doing my son's, whatever, and my son's, you know,

seven, and my son is a Panther, you know, my daughter, both my daughters are Raider fans, my son's a Panther, and my baby, you know, I have a grandson that's a 49er fan, so I have t-shirts with all kinds of stuff, and yeah, that's right, girl, we're here, those ooh don't matter to me, but you know, today, you know, life's in session to me, you know, and I just like, I love that they told me that today, somebody, I guess one of my friends, Yolanda came and spoke here, and she was telling me,

I said, they better not interrupt me when I'm right now, when you guys are interrupting, I gotta go back and tell her they'll be there, but you know, today, you know, I have, there you go, that's the one she told me, I said, what's wrong with these people, oh yeah, it must be Lake Balboa's thing, you know, I'm from Pacoima, you know, they have, they have Arlita, Arlita, that's Pacoima, you know, they have Lake Buteros, that's Pacoima, I said, god, I go, they have somewhere, that's San Francisco,

Why do they do this to us? They confuse me. I must have been really drunk when all these changes

were coming up. But I remember when I graduated in the 70s, I am 66 years old. I have, thank you.

I didn't, but I'm going to tell you, if you ask my daughter, when I came in, you know, 25 years

ago, she goes, I was tore up from the floor up. I had no hair. I had blotches of hair, let me tell

you. So, so I could look good. I would just flip them all over and cover them up or I painted them

with brown mark. I mean, I was like tore up from the floor up, you know, and she was, my kids were

very, and bueno, she was very, not my kids. I had three children in this. I had a husband who was

my partner in crime. You know, I was a good girl. You know, I always wanted to be a chola, a gangster,

you know, but my dad wouldn't have it. So I always have wardrobes in the trash can. So when I left,

I would put them on.

I just, guys, you know, Superman, but my dad was very strict with me, you know, and I was the

oldest. So I had to help him with the kids. I had to help my mom. She had to go to work, you know,

that we bought a house. He took us out of the projects in Pacoima. I went to McClay Junior

High School. That was an all black school at that time, you know, in the sixties. And I went to San

Fernando Junior High because my brother got in a fight. And of course I have to jump in to help

him because he was getting his butt whipped. And I just had to pull people off of him. And so they

chased us.

I was out to the San Fernando Junior High and we both made it, you know, went to San Fernando High

School. We were involved in all the riots there. You know, we love violence, you know, we love

her. She was my partner in crime, my little brother, and pray for him because he came into

these rooms, you know, and I was so happy because I was like, you know, 10, 15 years sober and he

got it, you know, and I'm just like, good, now me and my brother, you know, homie, we're going to

do this together. But it didn't work, you know, it didn't work out. But, you know, I can't do

anything for him. You know, I, sometimes my heart just hurts, you know, because I love this man. He's

65 and now he looked like he was 90 when I seen him on his birthday. And I pull him back home

because that's what I've been taught, you know, just to, you know, to tell him, you know, everything's

going to be all right. You'll do what we do and da, da, da, da. But, you know, he finally got

busted. Thank God, you know, and, oh, thank God. I just like, oh, thank you, God, you know, keep

him, keep him in there. But, you know, that, this, this alcoholism,

my, my dad was the leader of our pack. My dad was the alcoholic in the family and stuff. And,

oh, my dad drank like I wanted to be like my dad, you know. He went to work drunk. He'd come home

drunk. He'd eat dinner and he was sloppy drunk, you know. Who did this? And this is not how you

do it. He'd take me back in the kitchen to recook food. And I'd be like looking at him like,

and he goes, what's wrong with your eyes? And I said, nothing, nothing, you know. But

my dad taught me and I always wanted to be like him. And, you know, as I graduated from

high school, you know, I, I hooked up with my boyfriend. The connection, I didn't know what

that was then, but he sold reds, you know. So, I never bought them, you know. He gave them to me

as a gift, you know. So, so I love those party favors, you know. Anywhere I go, I look for party

favors everywhere. Like, oh, what's, what's today? What's the, what's the topic today? Now,

look at him. And he goes, try this yellow, try this one, da, da, da, da. And I'm just liking,

but my main thing was alcoholism, you know. That's where I came from. That's where I'm centered. You're

right, my whole heart's centered with that alcohol. And, and I remember, you know, drinking

all the time, you know, going up there, you know. Like I said, you know, I am an alcoholic, but

to respect AA, you know, part of my, my story was I came in a crackhead. And, you know, I love

Jose Cuervo. I cheated on him with Jack Daniel. And at the end of everything, I became the Cisco

kid. I ended up drinking those nasty old Ciscos, you know. But I'm an alcoholic, you know. I had

to do what I had to do. And that's all there is to it. But I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an

alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic.

I remember just like my, we moved, I moved out of the house. I got, I got a job in 1970 with Kaiser

Permanente. In 71, they gave, gave me my, my own desk. They gave me a position to have, train other

girls to do this. The little Mexican girl from Pacoima, you know, no schooling, no nothing, but

they gave me a lot of responsibilities. And I did it. I did it for a lot of years, you know. I was

there for 15 years, you know. And I drank and I used the whole time.

Respectfully, like a lady, my hand went off to me, you know. But I'm just like, God, you know.

But I did it, you know. And as time went on, you know, and, you know, of course it catches up to

you, you know. But I kept running fast, like you ain't gonna get me. My husband, I ended up marrying

this man because we moved in together. And I was a blackout drug addict, you know. Almost a blackout

white, pill white popper. They're supposed to keep you out and I blackout. And every drug I did,

I blacked out. Just like alcohol, I blacked out. I'm like, God, nothing cheats me up. But when I

found crack, you know, I just like, oh my God. But that thing dropped me to my knees, like in

six months I was gone, you know. I was gone. I can't tell you that I seen it. I seen the light.

I didn't see nothing. I put a cardboard box and, you know, we got married for a while, you know.

My dad found out that I was living with, shacking up with him. I was 25 years old. And he goes,

what the?

So, you know, he made us get married. He got a gun to my boyfriend's head and told me, you gotta

marry her. You just respected the family. And, you know, Al Pacino over there, I looked at my

dad and said, oh my God. And I go, you're embarrassing me. And you don't got nothing

to say about this. So, we got married. And we were standing at the altar at a big old wedding

because I go, well, I want a big wedding. I deserve this. He goes, I get whatever wedding

you want. And he did. And we were up there in the altar saying, I do. And the next thing I know,

I'm picking up my husband from the floor because he passed out. And he fainted. And

I just go, did Elise say I do? Did you guys hear him say I do? And my dad, you know, my dad was

like telling him in Spanish, he's a da-da-da-da-da. And I'm just like, oh my God, how embarrassing.

And I kicked him. I was like, get up. I'm the dominant one, of course, you know. And then

he got up and he goes, oh, I don't know what happened. You know, not to, I'm going to go a

little bit ahead. Not until we came into recovery, I found out he didn't faint. That guy almost OD'd

right before he came in to do this.

And he was loaded and he passed. He nodded out and passed out. I remember him said that from the

podium. I looked at him and I was like 10 years sober. He was just, you know, eight years and he

was barely coming into the room. And I looked at him like, you really did that to me? And he made

his amends at the podium, whatever. But, you know, I remember that happened, you know. But, you know,

I never had no part in this, you know. And, you know, so after that, you know, we just got married

and we went on our way. And six years later, I got pregnant with my first child. And,

that was, that was stirring itself, you know. And I had to quit like pulled turkey, you know,

whatever that was, you know. And so, I said, I couldn't do no more of this. And I couldn't do

no more of that. I couldn't powder my nose. I couldn't do this. I couldn't drink. I had to

stop smoking. And, you know, I worked at Kaiser Hospital. I knew what I had to do. So, I did it,

you know. And the next thing I know, you know, I'm coming home eight months pregnant from the

hospital. And I lived down the street. I had my own place. We had a nice place. We had a Harley

in the garage. I drove a Chevy Love Truck. I had a 1971 Firebird. And, you know, I had a lot of

money, you know. I was a youngster and saved all my money, you know. And the apartments were, what,

$500 a month. We had a two-bedroom in Panorama City, which is only one. I thought, so, you know,

Kaiser's in Panorama. My apartment was in North Hollywood, two blocks away. It started then,

you know. All this changing, you know. So, we ended up, I was walking up the steps and

I'm Ms. Clavis. I'm nosy.

I'm like, oh, my God, what's going on? Oh, my God, look at SWATs out here. The cops are here. And

I'm going into my gate, you know, my security gate, opening the gate. And the cops stopped me.

He goes, where are you going? And I go, I'm going to my apartment. He goes, where do you live? I'm

like, right upstairs. And he goes, well, we'll follow you. And I looked at him and I said,

I don't need a police escort. I'm okay. And he goes, do you live in this one? I said, yes. He

goes, are you Maria, a.k.a. Lupe? And I said, yes. And he goes, yeah, the

right to remain silent. Put your hands behind your back. And I'm like, all right, go ahead,

because that's the first time and the last time that ever happened to me. And I looked and I said,

what are you doing? And he goes, just be quiet, ma'am. Just be quiet. You know, your house has

been, been ruining a shooting gallery out of that. And I said, what? I don't own guns. I don't know

what you're talking about. He goes, well, there's a shooting gallery going in your house and it's

been busted. And I'm like, and I see, and I turn around, my husband's already in the cop car,

my nephew's already in the cop car, my cousin's already in the cop car. I said, what? He goes,

is this a family affair? And I said, that's, you know, it's like sticking the wicket. I don't sing

that song. No, it's not a family affair. And he looked and he goes, well, you're under arrest

because it's your house. He goes, they will be released. And I just looked at my husband. I

looked at my nephew and I said, I said a lot of things. And I just, take your imagination. I was

just, I started kicking that car. And I said, I'm going to, and I'm eight months pregnant. So they

take me to the police station and I go, take me to San Fernando. No, they take me to Van Nuys. And

I said, oh, well, North, you know, Panorama City's right here, Van Nuys right here. So they took me

to Van Nuys. And, and the cop took me into the investigating room and, you know, they told me

to strip. And I said, I am not doing this. And I go, I don't believe this. So, you know, I could

hear my ex-husband in the next room, don't leave her alone, you know? And I said, is that him? I

go, well, you know what? I go, I don't know what that means. I go, da, da, da. So he had a cop up

to it. They came and they go, okay, you're, you're released. He couldn't, he's going to go to jail

and da, da, da, da. So when he came out of jail, I just looked at him. I go, I can't believe you

did that. I, I thought you worked for, for R&B Furniture Store. That's what he told me. You

know, he was making good money. He was making darn good money. And I'm just like, wow. And I go,

they couldn't take the cars. The cars weren't in my name, but I wasn't, had nothing to do with

it, you know? So nothing was under his name. Everything was under mine. So they all got

busted, you know? And then about that night, two nights later, I went into labor and delivered

this little baby, you know, premature. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't,

I didn't know what to do with this little baby because I went to look at her, you know,

we were, I was in labor for two days. And when the baby came out, you know, she didn't look

chocolate, you know, she was black. And I looked and I said, oh my God, adios mio, what did I do

here? And my husband's coming beside me and I'm going like this through the window, like,

oh, I'll never forget that. And, and he looked, he had already seen her. He goes, is that her?

And I said, I don't know. You tell me, what were you doing? What happened? And I go,

it's all those drugs you did. And that's what you made, made happen to your baby, Lupe.

So the doctor took us in the room and told me, you know, she had severe burns from me

trying to deliver for 24 hours and I burned her all up. And, and she was really in agony. She was

in pain. She had little, like the horses have those patches. And I kept saying, oh my God,

my poor baby. But she's turned out to be once, you know, that everything was, all the peeling

started falling off her. I stood in the hospital with her for a month. And, you know, that was my

first experience saying, I will never do this again. I will never do this again. And him too,

you know, we ended up moving to Stockton, California.

I quit my job and I went to Stockton, California and he went for, you know, he didn't have a job.

So he had to start at the canneries or picking cherries. And so I joined him. I told him,

I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you so you don't feel degraded. You know,

that he's like, the ice wasn't out there yet because I would have reported it. But I just like,

so I went and we picked cherries. We did walnuts. It was fun. You know, it was like in the country.

And then they have offered me a job. This girl goes, you know, they're hiring at the state. And

so I took the test and I passed. And,

I ended up being a state trooper. I got to work in the office as a police dispatcher.

Why don't I come in here at 2.49? And I'm like, and then after two years, you know, I got a baby.

I had a little boy. And then after another two years, you know, I worked there for five years.

And I had my, my last child was, her name was, her name was Angel. And we went to this thing and

the, the captain of the police station one day I was sitting there and I was nodding, you know,

I was tired, but that was normal tired.

Just for the kids and, you know, going to work. So he says, you know, do you ever powder your nose?

And I looked at him. I knew exactly what that meant. And I said, hmm, that was a trick question.

He's a cop, right? And I said, no. And he goes, well, I do. I'll be right back. So I just looked

at him and he came back and, and I said, well, I did once. That was it, guys. I was off and running.

That was it. That's all she wrote. And I'm just like, oh my God. I said, what did I do? And I knew

what, you know, I knew what was up. I knew. So I came home and, you know, I was like, nothing

happened, but I go back to work and there he was, the cop, you know, so it was my excuse. It was

okay. He's the chief of police, you know, and we worked for Stockton State Hospital. We had all

these crazy people coming up to me. And one day there's one guy came up to me and goes, you know,

I want to tell you something that no one knows, you know, but they're going to kill me back there.

You know, they're giving me all these crazy pills. You know, I murdered da, da, da, da. And,

and this da, da, da, da. He goes, there's a reward out for me. I said, where? Where's the reward

out for me? He goes, here, I swear. I want you to report me. I need to get out of here. So I

reported him and I got $5,000. And now, and all I did was put it in, cut him in my nose. You know,

it's all I did with that money, you know, and it's just like, wow. And, you know, that's what

happened. You know, the one time when my, everything was coming back out, my husband started and I could

see what he was slipping back into. And we were, he went fishing with the kids one day and left me

with this little girl at the house. And we, me and my sister-in-law were playing backgammon and

we were good at that, you know, or a tile rummy. And we did all these, you know, we do things like

that. And, you know, when I started to cook some food and they were going to come back from fishing

with the fish, so we could cook the fish and they walked in, this was at eight o'clock in the

morning. It was like five o'clock in the evening when they walked in and he goes, you got this,

it's the food almost ready. And I just looked at them because we were glazing our weed, you know,

powdering there, you know, for a little while, you know, putting powder in the weed and playing

these things. And I said, dang, I said, somebody stepped on crap. You guys smell, your feet smell,

all that smell from over there. And he, all I heard him say, doggone it, little Lupe. And I said,

what? He goes, the beans are burnt, you're a grassman. I said, what? And he looked and the

pots come in, all this, there's no beans. And there was just completely black. And we, we,

well, we, we sniffed it the whole time with the,

the baby right next to me. She was a year old. And, you know, that was when he said,

are you using again? I said, just a little bit. And that was it. You know, we, my life then just

had turned upside down and, you know, he started, you know, doing his thing and I did more because

he was doing this. And I'm just like, oh my God, you know, this, you know, it's cunning and

baffling. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know what was going to happen. But deep

down somewhere way back here, I said, you know, when I had been introduced,

one time to, to take people to, from Kaiser, you know, to AA meetings, NA meetings, you

know, and it was across the street and I volunteered for it. So I was kind of familiar because

before I went, I was, of course, I got loaded to go take these clients, you know, and I

wasn't one of them, you know, they were the ones that had the problem, you know. And I

just like, oh my God, I said, I just don't understand what's going on with me. But so

we went and we did this and, you know, I said, no, I don't have a problem, you know. So we

ended up moving back to, to Pacoima.

My mom's house, we got a garage. We didn't have no more car. We didn't have the house,

you know, the kids didn't have shoes. I remember, I mean, it just took us down so, so fast that,

you know, I didn't know what was going on. And we moved into the garage and I remember

telling him, you know, we gotta stop this. And he just looked at me, he came back and

he showed me this little crystal white thing. And I'm just like, what is that? I'm always

curious, curious Lupe, you know, always has to be in somebody else's business too. And

he told me, this is how you do it. And that was it. You know, I thought the snorting was

terrible, but I remember having this bottle of tequila in the refrigerator. Cause I was

just sitting there, you know, and it has to be frozen. It had to be cold, you know, and

my babies were already getting, my baby was, um, she was like three years old, I think

when we moved back. And my daughter, she was an eighth student in the fourth grade and

you know, they were, they were doing good, you know, but no, their mom, this, this selfish

and self-centered lady just had to do her way and didn't care about her kids no more.

She didn't care about her mother, her dad in the front house, you know, her, I had six

brothers and sisters. They were so ashamed of me. I could see the shame that I, all that,

that incomprehensible demoralization that I was putting this family through, you know,

and it's just like, oh my God, I kept saying, oh, I feel so awful. And it's just like, oh,

and I'd be drunk. I'd send my daughter out to the tree to get lemons. Cause we had a

bottle of tequila. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so drunk. And I was like, oh my God, I'm

a big old lemon tree. And I just kept taking shots, just, you know, shots after shot, they

would pass out. And finally I got the great idea to put a cardboard box in the middle and put them

on this side. And we were doing our, I ended up getting a styrofoam ice chest and putting ice in

that and putting a half a gallon of milk and a box of Cheerios. And that's what, don't come out of

there. Don't be coming over here and looking what we're doing. I mean, we didn't have no roof. I

mean, everything, all the smoke was still going over there. And I did that to these kids, you

know, the three year old, the earthquake came, the rooms, you know, were falling on top of them,

the dressers. And I could hear them yelling. Do you think I got out to go save my kids?

You know, I didn't move. I had to do the last hit. I had to take the last drink. I had to do what I

have to do for me. And then I'm trying to get it up, you know, by that time, you know, like if

you're, you know, been in the possession of doing, you know, when you're on drugs, sometimes you

can't talk. My mouth would be so cotton dry and they couldn't talk, you know, and I'm just like,

you know,

they were like, mommy, help me, mommy, mommy. And I'm just like, finally, something, something

hit me and I kicked the door and he was passed out, of course, knotted out again, you know,

and I just go, come on, the kids. And my dad had already came running out there and he goes,

why the kids? And I said, they're back there. And the door was jammed. The dressers were on

top of them. And, you know, I felt terrible. So I had to go get loaded again. You know, I just like,

I couldn't stop. I couldn't stay stopped. You know, I would quit for a couple of days and

I couldn't stay stopped. And I went to Kaiser, you know, and I said, I'm going to quit. I'm not

going to do this no more. They, you know, they don't drug test you, but I got my job back,

you know, and I said, okay, I'm going to do this good. It was good for two years. So I was all

right. I was still dabbling. I was still drinking. I was drinking a lot now. And they ended up

telling me that I needed to go to a drug diversion program. And I said, I'm not, you know, an

alcoholism division. I'm not an alcoholic, you know. Well, you have to go to this, you know,

this diversion program. And I said, but I'm not an alcoholic. You know, I don't want to stop

drinking. You know, I want to stop the other stuff. I want to stop the party, you know,

but I'm not an alcoholic. You know, my dad's an alcoholic, you know. They kept telling me,

my doctors kept telling me, you know, you know, you're an alcoholic, you know, you're,

you're really one of us. And I looked at him like, hmm. So, you know, I ended up doing the,

going into the rooms and, you know, the things they were saying that was, that wasn't me,

you know, that wasn't even me. I just like, nah, this is not for me. So, I left, you know. And

again, it came back, you know, and it just like, I ended up coming on vacation. And when I went

back to work, I was like, really, really super tired. And I went to my desk and I fell asleep.

And this lady came banging on my door and telling me, you know, what is wrong with you? And she

scared the heck out of me, you know. I'm a little homegirl from Pacoima. You don't come behind me

and scare the heck out of me, you know. So, I hit her, you know. I hit the,

this patient. And she had a lot of power. I knew who she was. And she says, I'm going to have your

job. And I looked at her and I said, don't point that finger at me. And she kept saying, I'm having

your job. So, I ran. I took off. I wasn't going to, I'd never been busted. The only time they put

those handcuffs on me, they scared me straight. And I said, I ain't going to jail. I'm not going

to do this. So, I ran and I went back home. I went to the Irishman's across the street on Roscoe and

Woodman. And I stood there and drank till one o'clock in the morning. And I said, I'm going to

the morning hiding. Didn't go home. Didn't tell my husband. Didn't call my kids. I ended up taking

off with a friend. Slept at her house. And we ended up coming back the next morning. And I went

home to shower. And I said, what did I do, you know. So, I went back home, you know. And my

husband goes, what's going on? And I said, oh, I quit that job, you know. But I'm not going back

there. They're just, they're telling me all these stuff. And he goes, all right. So, he just, you

know, we started partying again like it was nothing, you know. And I remember at that time,

you know, we just partied and partied. And this was in 1992, the end of 92. And the whole beginning

of 93, you know. And in November of 93, you know, my daughter came up to me and says, you know,

we're done with you. We don't want nothing to do with you. We don't want you here no more, mom.

You know, you're, we don't even know what happened to our mother. You don't look like a mother.

And she goes, you make me sick to my stomach. And she put her hands in my mouth. And I just

thought, what the heck, you know. Why are you talking to me like that? She goes, mom, look at

you. We don't even know where our mom's at anymore. And she goes, look at you. We could see you through

the pole, you know. That's how skinny you are. And I looked. And I said, so I told him, look what you

did. Look what you did to these kids. I blamed him the whole time. Never, not once did I say, so

he left. You know, get the, get out of here. I don't want you here. I don't want nothing to do

with you in this house. And just go. And he just looked. I mean, he left. You know, he went on his

merry way, of course, you know. So, I stood there. And it was like in November, December came around.

And, you know, I was just trying, trying to survive. You know, my friends would come over

to do things with me. But all I was doing then was just drinking tequila and drinking Cisco.

That's all I was doing. And one night, I got a hair on my butt. And I said, I'm going to try

this. I've never gone to the Connect. I never went to go get stuff for me. So, I tried to do it.

Man, you know, I've never been in the streets, you know. And I knocked on the door. And the guy

was very nice. Oh, come on in. Come on in. And I'm like, oh, my God. You know, my worst

nightmare, you know. I have six brothers. So, I knew how to get my way out of there by this.

I don't know how I did it. But I ended up running out of that house with just my t-shirt on and ran

down the street calling for help, you know, because I knew these guys were going to kill me

because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. And, you know, I ended up calling somebody that

I knew in the room, the only guy's phone number that I had. And I told him I was in trouble. And

I knew that I was in trouble. And he goes, well, you know, you've been around for about two years

and in and out, in and out. Maybe you need an outpatient program. And I just looked at him and

I said, oh, my God, I'll try anything because the kids don't want me in the house. My dad's

locking me out. My dad doesn't want him there. So, I ended up going to this outpatient program

called El Proyecto in Van Nuys, down the street from Panorama City. And, you know, I ended up

surrendering. I surrendered to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember before I did

this, when I didn't surrender, I had gotten clean. I had gotten clean. I had gotten clean. I had gotten

clean from doing the party goods. And I had 60 days, 90 days. Man, I was excited. So, what did

we do? I went to the bar to celebrate, you know, and brag to the bartender. And he goes, little

Lupe, he goes, don't drink it. And I said, no, dude, I did no drugs, none, none no more in 60

days. I'm good. I'm good. He goes, you take that drink, you're going to start all over. I said,

I took the drink and the drink took me. And the next thing I knew was three months later,

one more time, you know, one more time. And I'm just like, oh my God, I did it again. So,

I went back to El Proyecto. I started all over. I surrender. I knew that first drink was the first

drink that was going to get me drunk. That was going to get me loaded. That was going to bring

me to my knees. I knew it then. So, I did surrender. And I just ended up going to that

program. I remember telling my little girl, you know, I'm doing good now. No more drinking either.

And she goes, yeah, yeah, whatever, mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, mom, whatever. You know,

you're going to be 13. And I ended up, you know, I did do the program. I remember graduating a year

and five months later because it took me a while to do the steps. You know, it took me a while to

say I would get a sponsor. You know, it took me a while to say, you know, who's going to tell me

what to do? Not, you know, I'm not going to let them tell me what to do. And I just had to, you

know, I found a sponsor that I liked, a Mexican girl, Chola Luki. And man, she was crazy. I'm just

like, I don't want to talk to you no more. Then I found an Oklahoma.

little girl, you know, and I tried to do a lot of stuff to her. And she was like, no,

you got to go back and do it this way. I don't want her either. Then I went and found another

girl, you know, who had over like 15 years. And, you know, she was my sponsor. And she was my

sponsor for the first 10, 12 years of sobriety. And, you know, she, I just gave her everything.

You know, she just told me everything, you know, I respected her. And then, you know,

I ended up losing her because she went back out at 25 years of sobriety. And I just said,

you know, I'm 10 years sober. I don't need her. I don't need,

no more sponsoring. I could do this by myself. And, you know, the rooms, I started getting,

you know, involved in doing what I'm supposed to do one day at a time. Easy does it. And,

and I just tell the, the girls, I'm okay. I surrender. I surrender. And I was doing what

I was supposed to do. And, you know, the 11th step, you know, I sought through prayer and

meditation and proved my conscious contact with God. God was the one that saved me. I know God

had me then. And I knew that. My dad died in my first year of sobriety of alcoholism. He got

killed in a, in a drunk driving accident. He let his friend drive because he was too drunk and the

guy killed him. And I'll never forget that. And I was a year and two months sober already. And,

and I don't want to ever die like that. I don't want to leave my kids. You know, he left 10 kids

behind for this little lady, our normie mom, you know, to take care of us, you know. And I promised

her that I would not do that to my kids and have her have to suffer with all these kids, you know.

So that promise still stands, you know. I remember when I graduated, I told my mom, you know,

you, mom, you have to go. And she was just, you know, they were embarrassed of me. They were

embarrassed that I was an AA. My family was embarrassed that I was an Alcoholics Anonymous,

especially to say Narcotics Anonymous. Oh God, you know, I'll put the cross on that girl, you know,

you don't say that. My brother says, what's wrong with you? I said, don't you guys see that I have

a better life? I'm, I'm doing good, you know. And after that, I just looked at him and it was hard,

you know, to stay away from my family, but I had to do it because if I would go to the,

to my family's house, I wanted to drink all the time. If I would go with my sisters,

I wanted to drink all the time. And I just, slippery places weren't, weren't for me no more,

you know. I couldn't do that, you know. I, so I had to pull away. It was a year sober. I got a job

at UPS and I moved me and my three little kids out to the, to San Fernando across from the park. So,

you know, I got this job at UPS working graveyard and the, they had the park, you know. I, I enrolled

in all kinds of programs so I could sleep and then at night I went to work and I started my

journey and I knew then, you know, I've done it for so many years, I could do it again. And we

were good, you know. I was like, I was head whole with AA and I was taking them here and, you know,

that program told me that if I did 90 meetings in 90 days, the first one who did it would get a

trip to Disneyland, package of four. And I said, three kids and me, that's me, that's my, that's

my ticket to Disneyland, right? So, I went.

Head on to do that thing and I won them, you know. I won those tickets to Disneyland for my kids

to prove to them that their mom was going to change, you know. And my daughter got the tickets

and waved at me. She goes, so what does this mean? And I just said, it doesn't mean nothing. I just

won them because I want you to know that I'm going to meetings. I'm doing the meetings. They didn't

believe me and they finally just looked at me and they go, whatever, mom. And I said, it was like,

I couldn't please my kids. I couldn't please my mom. I couldn't please anybody, you know. So,

you walk into AA, hey, six months, nine months, ten. Now, it's your birthday. You get a Twinkie

at six months. I was like, eh, you know. I mean, it's a different world, you know. Nobody would

understand but us alcoholics, you know. Nobody would understand. And I remember I just looked

at them and my mom went to my graduation. No, she just went, I can't go, you know. And I kept

bragging, you know. And my brother goes, you're bragging that you're going to take a year cake

and you're graduating from a drug program and you won't get a ticket to Disneyland. And I said,

I want us to go support your show. You're crazy, man. They brainwashed you, girl. And I looked at

them and I said, first of all, you guys were like calling me all these names of crack kids and

sucked up and Juicy Lucy. I don't know what they were telling me I was. And I'm just like,

now I'm telling you I'm doing so good, you guys. And they said, you know, just don't tell them what

your last name is, you know. Don't give us away. And I'm just like, you're all alcoholics. And

they just looked at me and said, just don't give us away. And I'm just, he goes, what,

goes in our house, stays in our house. And that's what's always been, you know. And I'm just like,

oh my God. And, you know, I remember graduating. Everybody had their family there. They all had

flowers, you know. And I remember, and I was the main speaker that day, you know. And I was just

like, and I said, I wish my family was here. And I started crying. And I looked up and I don't know

what it was. I could see like a little glare up there. And I looked up and it's my mom hiding

behind a tree, you know. And I guess my sister took, I couldn't see my sister, but afterwards I

seen her and, and they were both just like this, you know. And I said, what? And I said, that's my

mom over there behind the tree. And, and everybody clapped for her. And, and, you know, today my mom's

my main escrow. She goes with me to, to my business meetings. You know, she goes with me to

the meetings. She knows Pete very well. She knows my other girls that I hang out with. You know,

she just, my mom is not embarrassed of me anymore. You know, my mom is not embarrassed. And she says,

oh, we're going to the meeting today. My brother goes, what meeting, mom? To AA. Today they're

taking me to the meeting. And I'm like, what meeting? And she goes, oh, we're going to the

meeting. And I'm like, we're taking a cake for 30 years. She knows everybody, you know. And I just

like, I love this lady. You know, I just thank sobriety. I thank the rooms of AA that brought

my life back to my family. You know, I just thank them so much. You know, today I like, they have

the, the Alcaton, but Maine is my youngest granddaughter's birthday tomorrow. And they're

having a cake for her today. I go, didn't I ask you to tell me this like a month ago? She goes,

we just decided today. So I had to make a decision to turn.

Am I willing in my life? Let me see. I was going to tell somebody, do you want to take my place

today at Quality of Life? Because like, it's my, yeah, I was going to do that. But I was told,

you know, what was freely given to me, I don't give it away. So my granddaughter just has to

wait till Monday. And that was it, you know, and I just was going to walk out the rooms and he,

Pete walked into the Alcaton. He goes, where are you going? I thought, I'm going to go get dressed.

I got to go to Quality of Life. And he goes, where's the girls? I go, they're all busy doing

this. And, and he goes, I'm going with you. You know, who would do that? You know,

nothing, nobody, but your friends in AA, you know, we'll do something just to come with you,

you know? And he brought me, you know, and it's just like, I've been here a while, a long time

ago. You know, I got, remember that little alley that you had to find to get in here? And I remember

those because those were the streets I would look for, you know, with my husband, you know, but,

you know, today, you know, I ended up coming to these rooms. I got clean, you know, my life

changed. You know, I would love, you know, working at UPS, even though they didn't understand that I

needed to be a receptionist, not on unloading these trucks and, you know, I was like, I'm going to go

out all dirty. And I come out of my sweat, you can see all the drips all over my face. I mean,

it's a hard job. And I was 40 something years old working with these 18 year old, 19 year old kids,

you know, and my combat boots, my hair up in a chongo. And I, I looked at God and I said,

this is a joke. The joke's on me, you know? And I just like, but I got used to it. You know,

I ended up being the main sorter and, and I kicked butt with those boys, you know,

it kept me sober, you know, we ended up going to a little car auction,

what time do I stop? I can't even see that. But I ended up going to this car auction. And

this is one of my little stories that I love because they came around to sell this car. I

had a thousand dollars and you had to get the little thing and say, I'll do 20. I'm going to

do this. It started at $20 and it went up to 850. And I'm like, so I'm just going, Hey, and you know,

we were late, you know, we couldn't even see, I just seen the nice little Volkswagen Rabbit going

around. And, and finally the guy that was out trying to outbid me said,

you could have it for 850. And I said, thank you. And I just walked away. And I said, Oh my God,

my daughter just looked at me. She goes, I don't like the car. And I said, well, you're, it's not

yours. It's for me. It's for me to take you guys to school. And so I go to pay the guy and the guy

goes, did you look at the car? Did you go up there and check it out? And I said, I looked at it. I go,

but you know, I did what? It's a car, you know, it's running, it's driving around, you know? So

he goes, well, go look at the car. And so I go up there and I said, what the heck? The car has no

seats, no dorm seats. Who sells cars for no seats? It's a car auction. I said, Oh my God. I go, I

don't believe I argue with this guy at the thing that I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to

give him the money. He goes, you bought it. That's your car. And I'm still my daughter. And she, he

looked at me, goes, ma'am, are you a friend of Bill? I don't know no damn Bill. And he goes,

ma'am, are you a friend of Bill's? I go, I have no clue. Tell me Pepe, Jose, Joe,

hey Bill, don't mess with Bill. I know the song, you know? I said, no. And then my daughter

looked at me, goes, mom, it's those things hanging on your, cause she was in the DARE program. It's

all those chains hanging on your pants. And I go, Oh, that guy. I go, I know who you're talking

about. And I said, yeah. He goes, come on. And I said, a year and three months, something like

that. And he goes, why don't you go to the restroom, pray about it, talk to your sponsor,

and let me see what I could do for you. And I said, but who sells a car with no seats, man?

And I came back and long story short, it's, you know, he went to Pep Boys across the street and

bought seats for my car. And I said, and I said, what do I owe you? I don't got no more money. You

took all my money. You didn't tell me how to pay for license and registration too. And he goes,

it's all right. He goes, when you get into sobriety and I want you to keep trudging the

life, happy life with this. And I just looked at him like, what is he talking about? Like, okay,

okay. You know, I had to say something and I said, okay, thank you. Thank you. And then after that,

my,

my daughter goes, that means you have to give back. And I just let, she's been in that program

that she knew more than what I did, you know? So I ended up, you know, going home, getting into the

car and, and I told the guy, I go, the car is not starting, man. What's wrong with this car? Not

what? Does it have a battery at least? And he looked at me, he goes, honey, it's stick. You

got to press it. I said, oh my God. He goes, don't tell me. And I said, yes, I don't drive stick.

What's the big deal? But he taught me. It took us like maybe two hours to get home. But you know,

that car lasted.

It took me for the, my first 15 years of sobriety. And it was a gift from God. You know, it was a gift

from God. I ended up getting married in this program. I remember saying, oh man, I met this

new guy and, you know, we got married. We were together for nine years and he was a gift from

hell, you know? So I related, related to the speaker, you know, I related to you. And I just

like, I said, oh my God. And, you know, he was terrible, you know? And I just, you know, I was

doing things. I was a dry drug. I went away from the brooms, you know, because he promised me the

rose garden and dah, dah, dah, dah. And oh my God, I remember saying one day, I need to get out of

this marriage. I need to get out of here. He ended up losing some money. And, you know, you know, me

with my X-rated X glasses, I looked, I said, did he drop something? I ran out there. Man, it was $200

bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, ran back upstairs. And the morning goes, man, he goes,

I lost money last night. I go, you better go find it.

Bill's due. So I went to the alley with him, looking there with flashlights. And it's in my

back pocket the whole time. Who does that in sobriety? Who does stuff like that? You're not

supposed to do that, you guys. It's an honest program, even outside the room. So I ended up

telling him, you know, I don't know. So I wished, you know, something to, some sign, you know?

So one day I came home from work and I came out to the thing and I found, I came home from work

and I found my 23-year-old daughter dead. Her name was Angel. She had a seizure in the middle

of the night and got.

Took her from me. And, you know, she was a beautiful girl. She had a little baby boy,

a little one-year-old little baby boy. He just was born. And my life was over, you know,

and I was miserable with this guy. And, you know, but one of my friends, the one that took me to

that outpatient program, knocked on my door and says, it's time for you to go home. I said,

but I don't have my baby no more. He goes, you didn't have him when you came to AA and you got

him back. He goes, you need your life back. And I did. I came back to AA. You know, it's going to

be 12 years next month that my daughter has been gone. Today, my little boy, he's 13 years

old, you know, he had to make a decision to be with me or his dad. And he picked his dad. And

they took him away from me. And now again, one more time. But you know what? I didn't drink no

matter what. And I'm not want to drink no matter what. I don't want to do any of this. I want to

keep living my life. So when that little boy knocks on my door and says, he called me mom,

he goes, mom, I'm home. I want to be able to reach my arms out and hug him and said,

I've never left you, son. I'm here waiting for you. That's what the rooms of AA has taught me.

So I'm here to tell you that no matter what,

that's what they are in these rooms. Meeting people make it. Step one, two, and three every

day. We live them every single day, you guys. Get a sponsor. Do what we have. Put one foot in front

of the other and listen to those old timers because they know what the heck they're talking

about, whether we want to believe it or not. But for that, you know, I am so thankful for God.

I thank you for my room. I thank you for my brother Pete that comes with me. We've been

together for a long time as friends, you know, but we've been together. That's my

boy. We go everywhere. And you know what? That's what a gentleman is. This man right

here to me, you know, he's the man of my dreams that he treats me with respect. And we, there's

other three other girls that are running. It's always him. You know, he has all of us. But you

know what? I'm thankful. Thank you for letting me share. And thank you everybody for having me here.