Finding Confidence Through Shared Awkwardness

Thank you, Oscar, for asking me to participate in my recovery. I say doing a 12-step call on me,

so I can stay sober today. Instead, I'm just at home plotting my demise to destroy the world.

That's what I do. My alcoholism is like pinky in the brain. I don't know if you've ever seen that,

but I like that little cartoon. What are we doing tonight, boss? Taking over the world,

like we do every night. That's what my head be telling me. Okay. My sobriety date,

let's start with that. My sobriety date is March 29th, 1990. But for the grace of God,

I've been with you all for the last 29 years. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Thank you to our

10-minute speakers. I was like, they did that in 10 minutes. I shouldn't get this much time.

They checked in a lot. I was like, I should be able to do that. So I'm going to do 10 minutes,

then we're done. That was a lot in 10 minutes. I was like, that's cool.

I always have a share before I share. It just helps me out a little bit. And that is that I,

no matter how often I do this, I continue to find it awkward and uncomfortable,

extremely intimidating. And I love when we do that because some of y'all don't dare come up here to

read. That's number one. So y'all say in awe, but let them ask you to read. And y'all be like, oh,

you're sweating, you're peeing on yourself, and you just read it. And I love when I tell people

I'm nervous and they're like, oh, it's just a bunch of drunks. And I'm like the most critical,

judgmental. I'd rather share in front of a PTA. You know what I'm saying? Anyway,

what are you talking about? Okay. So I do that to get me out of the way. No,

because that's all self, right? When I'm thinking about it, just so I, it just takes

the power out of that. So I always believe that the day I have a sense of arrogance and confidence

about coming out up here is the day I probably need to sit down. That's really what I feel about

that. So I'm always, that's my little spot check on that. I want to welcome our new friends. Welcome

home. We've been praying for you and we ask you to keep coming back. Don't leave five minutes before

the miracle happens and let us love you too. You can learn to love yourself and it's going to be

all right. You know, I heard you don't have to take a drink again if you want to, and more

importantly, even if you don't want to. And this program does work if you work it. I always wish

the newcomer the gift of desperation. So that's what it took for me. And I'm telling you, it's

going to be all right. Just hold on. Any old timers in the house, thank you for my life and

my sobriety. I still want what you have. I thank you for suiting up and showing up and letting me

know that I too can recover one day at a time. It's always significant for me to acknowledge

the old timers. The newcomer is so important, but so is the old timers. I don't know where I would

be if it wasn't for them being here. I'm grateful not so much that they haven't taken a drink

because the program works, but what impresses me is that they haven't killed themselves or

somebody else. After a while, that becomes an option. You know what I mean? And there's

something else that I'm attracted to. I'm not sure if this happens in your home group,

but it happens in mine. And I don't know why I like this, but I do. And that is that I've

watched most of those old timers. They've been together for the last 40, 50 years. And some of

them still don't like one another. And there's something about that I dig, man. I just do. I

just dig it. I don't know. They still, you know, one of them or two get up and people still roll

in their eyes. You think at 40 years, they're like, still here. You know, I don't know. I just

like that. You know? And they're like, that's right. I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here.

Anyway, I think it's the coolest thing. So thank you for showing up despite, you know,

I get an opportunity to share with you in a general way, what we used to be like,

what happened and what we're like now. And if you knew there's a reason for that.

And our literature, it talks about a message of depth and weight. It is the language of the heart.

It is the music I have found in these rooms. Nobody else has been able to capture my attention

the way you all have captured mine. And I always tell the newcomer, I hope you hear the music.

It goes past our disease that's centered in our thinking. It goes straight into your heart.

And once the seed's been planted, you can't drink the same again. And we heard that from our speakers,

you know? And I invite you to listen to similarities and not the differences.

And you get to ask yourself some questions like that happened to me. I felt that way too. And

most importantly, perhaps this program can work for me. So I get to give you a reader's digest.

And some people have certainly heard my story. And I tell folks, you've heard it. I keep having

to tell it. So anyway, I do every one of the makeup stuff. And I talked to my sponsor,

often about, can I just like not do this anymore? But I don't know. I just believe that God in its

infinite wisdom somehow must believe if he doesn't put me in front of you, you'll lose me. I don't

know why I feel that way. Anyway, I never knew that my experience can benefit others and that

my worst liability would become my greatest asset. It's just trippy. There's a lot going on in my

life here today. So let's see how this works out. Just funny. I was sitting there listening to

everyone and everybody, oh, you look so pretty. And I'm, I don't know. I'll talk about that in a

minute, but I can certainly pull myself together. But I was telling my sponsor, Ivana, like last

night I was on my way to speak at another meeting. I'm damn near somewhere, part of the world, all

over the greater Los Angeles area every day. But I was on my way yesterday and I don't know,

something happened to me. I was laughing, Tony, that I didn't see you there, but I thought they

were going to end up asking you to speak. I didn't make it. I had to pull over, call the ambulance.

It was funny. I called the secretary and I'm like, I don't know what's wrong. My hands are numb. I'm

dizzy. I'm blacking out. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong.

So I just want you to know I'm going to be a little late. Just running a little late. As soon

as I get it together, I'll be right there. She was like, I think you need to call 911.

I was like, you think so? She was like, uh, yeah. Anyway, that was funny. I'm passing out,

but I'll be there in a minute. Nothing changes, right? That's back in the day when I was drinking.

I'll be there in a minute. Anyway, whatever. So anyway, paramedics came and the fire department,

of course, the first thing that comes out of my mouth when they come, are you okay? I'm like,

my mother's in the car. She has Alzheimer's.

I was worried. You know, mommy. Anyway, check out my mom, y'all. So it turns out I was okay,

but believe it or not, they said I had anxiety. And I was like, really? I didn't realize I had

anxiety. You know, I wasn't like consciously aware of that. But he said, you're having an

anxiety attack. And I don't know, the man was spiritual, but he was like, you have a lot going

on. And I think that's what's happening to you. And I just started crying, you know, because I

just know how to suit it up and show up. But I'm like, so it just came out. And I was like,

I was talking to my sponsor today and telling him that sometimes I just get tired about I want

to have secrets too. And I have a disease called alcoholism. And it wants to just act as if and

pretend nothing's wrong. And there's stuff that's wrong. And I'm just a little tired. So I came out

yesterday, but I made it here today. And let's see how that works out. And I was like, I'm

surprised at it. I felt like I was gonna die. And I was telling her I was like, this funny thing was

I was like, could I please die? You know, I was looking forward to it. Anyway. I was like, finally,

this thing called life is over. That's crazy. Anyway, I'm talking to my sponsor. Oh, boy, life,

you know, you shared about it. Sobriety has not been the easiest for me. And, and I've had an

interesting journey. I'm 54 years old. And I tell you, we talk about living two lifestyles in one

lifetime. Oh, no, we talked about karma outside. I don't know what my soul contract is. But my life

has been very interesting. Before I came to you. And since I've been here, the first half of my

life, you know, I got sober at 24 going on 25. And for the first 24 years of my life, it was just

inundated with alcohol and abuse. I'm born addicted. My mother's an alcoholic and admitted

alcoholic and Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember one time mommy and I shared with one another I

was she was the main speaker. I was a 10 minute speaker. And I got up and I said, I'm not gonna

say nothing. I'm just gonna let you listen to her and you'll know why I'm here. And I said, I was

like, take it away.

Hey, mom. And everyone in my family are alcoholics and addicts. And this is a way of life for our

family. I'm born addicted. Alcohol is given to me as an infant. I wasn't wanted. Mommy says I'm a

product of rape and just not wanted and left in the hospital. And it's just alcohol is just it

was the only thing I ever knew. It was part of my bloodstream. It was my diet. The amazing thing

was that I survived. And I remember a woman asking me, how do you give up alcohol? And I said,

give an infant alcohol. And mommy said a precedent in the house that alcohol needed to be in my bottle

24 seven. And a woman said, how do you survive? And because I'm an alcoholic, an alcoholic, what

separates me and makes me different from the hard drinker and the problem drinker is that I have an

allergic reaction to alcohol. When you put alcohol in my body doesn't say no, no more. It says feed me

see more and it demands for more and I didn't discover the effect until later. Perhaps it

affected me as an infant. But it was something that I was able to get rid of. And it was something

that I had in my system. And that was the only thing that I ever knew. And I didn't do New Year's

resolution. I didn't switch from scotch to brandy. I didn't say tomorrow's gonna be different. I was

loaded in my first year birthday, second year birthday, I was loaded every single day. And it's

interesting when I go back to high school reunions, grammar school reunions, and I went to

Catholic school for 11 and a half years. Everyone that I grew up with will tell you that I was kind,

I was considerate, I was worldly, I had a sense of confidence. And I was able to do what I wanted to

do. I had confidence. And that was all alcohol. I was all alcohol. And at the same time, I was

experiencing physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse. And that was a daily occurrence. It wasn't

now and then. It wasn't once in a while. It was like the norm. So I mean, I really thought that

was normal. I thought that's how it happens. I thought everybody speak to you wherever they

want to talk to you. They call you names and curse you out. And I always say I didn't learn

my name was Teresa until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I really thought I was stupid.

And bitch and you idiot and, and that stuff still dances in my mind today. Do you know what I mean?

It still comes up. I get frustrated. You know, those voices like leave me alone already. Hitting

was the normal occurrence. I got smacked, I got kicked, I got punched, I got spit on, I

stabbed, pistol whipped, shot. My brother shot me in the ass. I mean, it was like, he was like,

oh, I was aiming for the chair. You know, my bad. You were sitting there. I mean, it was just

for real. You know, I would have broken bones. And I was talking about that with someone else.

And I would go to the doctor and be like, oh, yeah, look, my arm was broken. And it was like a

pipe. I wasn't crying. I was like, are you gonna fix it? You know, they pull it out and be like,

like that moving death becomes her. You know what I'm saying? Your bones sticking out of your neck.

Like, yeah, my bones out of my neck. Am I? You know what I'm saying? What's happening?

Sexual abuse was the norm. Men and women, neighbors, babysitters, aunts, uncles, I don't

know, whoever wanted to, they did. No matter where I went, no matter where I visited, even I would go

fresh air fun, where they would take inner city kids and you go up state New York and stuff was

jumping off up there too. I really thought all that was normal. And I always say like, I don't

think I would have survived the first 24 years of my life if it wasn't for alcohol. The drama,

the insanity, our family, we have the family is, you call it dysfunctional, but that's my family

to this day. Pimps, dealers, hustlers, gangsters, politicians, police officers, like they're all the

same. You know what I'm saying? They're not different. They're not the same. They're not

the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the

same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the

same. They're not the same. They're not the same. They're not the same. We're all the same

people. And they take pride in that and nobody's embarrassed. And you do time in federal pen or

state and county. And that's a badge of honor, man. That's respect. You don't come in. I don't

know. The black sheep in our family is my grandmother, my father, my cousin, Petra, my

brother. And that's because they don't drink. They don't use. They're like goody two shoes.

They're the black sheep. You know what I'm saying? Like, what's wrong with y'all? Nobody

wants to be like them. We don't like when they show up. You know, those kind of people.

Like, ay, yo. No pa' tanto. You know. No pa' tanto, Titi. Calm down. Just not too long

ago. It's just the insanity of the family. You know, you guys call it dysfunctional,

but this is normal for us, no? The same thing I saw in the projects in New York was the

same thing that was going on in the mountains in Puerto Rico. I didn't see nothing different.

I spent half the year in Puerto Rico and half the year in New York. And that was it. And

it's not too long ago. I've been sharing.

It's just interesting. My nephew's been living with me, you know, and doing homeschool.

And he finally gets to be around the family. My brother kind of kept the boys, you know,

away from the family other than me. And now, you know, they're around. And he's hanging

out talking to mommy, abuela, right? And you think, you know, the grandson wants to know

about the life of his grandmother. And he's like, Grandma, can you tell me what it was

like with you growing up? And I'm in the kitchen, right? And I'm cooking. I'm in the

kitchen. I'm like, oh, that's cute. She was like, we used to kill people, kill lots of

people. I was like, okay, story time is over. And he's like, what? What's happening? She

was like, oh, yeah, we did all the time, all the time. And then he's like, but I saw pictures

of you guys like in a playground. Were you in a playground? We never played in the playground.

Anyway, no more storytelling, mom. Traumatizing the kid, you know? And so now I have to like

explain to him, your family's crazy. And we've done everything possible. Thanks to

like synonymous that these boys have like no clue about that lifestyle. They say things

like, thank you. I'm uncomfortable. I love you. I miss you today. May I help you with

that? Anyway, not too long ago, my oldest nephew, I had told him, yo, what's up, man?

You got a girlfriend or something? I ain't seen you with no girl. It's okay if you gay

or not, you know, something like that. You know what I'm saying? But he was like, no,

I'm not gay, Titi. I'm like, I'm just checking. You ain't got no girlfriend. Like, what's

happening? He's 21. He was like, no, the issue is I still have issues with my mother. And

she's with my mother. I think it'd be unfair to get into a relationship like that. I was

like, oh, where'd you get that from? Thank you. I gotta do inventory. Yo. Anyway, they've

been hearing this program since they were little, ever since they were small, because

of the family grew up with and because of the things that I heard in the rooms of Alcoholics

Anonymous through their years, I've asked them since they were very little, I've always

asked them, what's your perception? Because this is a disease of perception. And I can

tell you, they have a life and they have people who are in their life to support them

and care about them. And they could be walking around feeling like I'm completely alone.

I don't fit in and nobody loves me. I learned that from you. And so since they were little,

they've heard it from me. I'd be like, what's your perception? And they think about it.

No. So anyway, and the oldest is now sober. Interesting enough, and I didn't believe he

was an alcoholic until he explained he had the allergy of the body. And he goes to celebrate

recovery. And when he came to me, he was around 16. And he said he had started drinking, smoking

weed.

And of course, my first question is always, what do you want me to do with this information?

And it was like, I'm sure you'll give me the questions I need to ask myself to assess,

you know, what's going on with me and my concern. And again, this is what I've learned from

you. But I told him my concern is not that you're smoking weed and drinking. I think

that does happen. And people do experiment. My biggest concern is that right now in your

life, your father has died, your grandfather has died. You now live with your estranged

mother. He used to be in varsity. Now you're in junior varsity. You live in a seminary.

In Minnesota. And now you're in Burbank, California. Aside from the fact that you're 16 years old,

and the only thing you normally think about is masturbating and sports dominates your

brain at this point. Okay, with that to boot, that's what concerns me know that there's

something going on on the inside. And marijuana and alcohol is going to give you the oxygen

you so desperately need right now. That's what I'm worried about. And I learned that

from you. So I told him I would invite you to consider doing some work.

On the inside, and when you're okay on the inside, then you could try a drink. And you

know, a puff of marijuana and see what happens. I'm so grateful that he took that into consideration.

He thought about it. And now he's you know, he's going to seminary like he's doing really

good. I'm so grateful to all of you that I didn't do the whole thing about say no to

drugs. This is your brain on drugs, whatever that stupid stuff. That's stupid. Then you

hear the commercials. I was like that stuff works. Because that's what it did for me my

entire life. Like as horrible as that life sounds. I was detached and disconnected,

man. I wasn't present for any of those experiences. I wasn't present for the horrible stuff. And

I wasn't present for the good stuff. I run into people again from school and and they're

happy to see me and I don't remember any of them. And some of them tell me I you taught

me Spanish for a year. I don't remember them. I remember nothing. And I was an A student.

Don't remember it. My nephew found my you know, my report cards and my phone. I don't

remember any of it. Any of it. And I wasn't planning on changing that life. I saw nothing

wrong with that life. I lived on the edge I took chances I grew up getting into money

property prestige. I smuggled drugs. I was that's a lifestyle man. I always say I live

like Michelle Pfeiffer on Scarface. You know what I'm saying? Like, I still love that movie.

I'd be like, I don't know. I love that movie. And now I'm watching Queen of the South. You

know, I get off on all that boy. I'd be like, well, yeah, you know, I'm watching Queen of

the South. You know, I get off on all that boy. I'd be like, well, yeah, you know, I'm

watching Queen of the South. You know, I get off on all that boy. I don't know. There

was potential, you know, potential is to have that kind of respect, you know and, and I

wasn't planning on changing any of that. And so I said what happened to me, how did I end

up here, I guess, the only way I can describe it is, this is a place that I believe we all

find one another, because alcohol is no respecter really person place or thing or situation,

I hear people have two loving parents in their home. And they tour alcohol, right? have a

silver spoon or completely pour alcoholism, it doesn't discriminate against how we look.

Kitchen這樣的 Yeah, probably. You got to doubt that. And I can guarantee to my ex.

Alcoholism doesn't discriminate, no?

And even in those differences, what makes us similar is the effect that alcohol produces.

I like the effect produced by alcohol and I am restless, irritable, and discontent

unless I find that ease and comfort that comes immediately with the first few drinks.

Drinks that I see other people taking with impunity and consequences don't get my attention,

that despite consequences and circumstances, I'm willing to pursue that effect into the gates of insanity or death.

Until the day comes that happened to me around the age of 24,

that I took a drink and I was now present for my experience.

And I think that's when things change.

What does a drunk like me do that I'm looking for the effect and I'm restless, irritable, and discontent

and I take a drink and now I am still restless, irritable, and discontent?

I got a problem with that, you see.

I don't mind doing incomprehensible, demoralizing things if I'm not present for my experience.

But when I now become present, that's a problem.

There's a couple of accounts that always stand.

There's a couple of accounts that always stand out for me and that was walking into a bar

and hearing them say, look what the trash brought in.

I can't tell you how long they said it.

But to this day, I remember when I heard it.

And I try to laugh it off, you know what I'm saying?

But I remember I couldn't shake it off.

There's something in here.

I didn't like that.

I was like, ha, ha, ha, but in here wasn't right.

I heard you.

You know what I mean?

In here.

I saw the look of disgust on my grandmother's face.

And I couldn't shake it off.

I kept seeing her face.

And I noticed that daddy stopped talking to me.

When did daddy stop talking to me?

And more importantly, why do I care?

I was tripping out.

It was though I had been living flatlined, detached, disconnected.

I had no heartbeat.

And then somebody resuscitated me or something.

And all of a sudden, I became present in this thing you call life.

And I had never been here.

I've been loaded since fetus.

I had never been here.

I woke up to a haunted house.

I always say alcohol betrayed me.

It abandoned me.

And it left me emotionally retarded with no coping skills.

I don't know about you.

But I was so angry at alcohol when I came here.

It was my friend.

It was my lover.

It was my companion.

I don't know if alcohol talked to you.

But it used to talk to me.

And it told me if nobody loves you, I love you.

I got you.

It's just you and me against the world.

You ain't got to worry about nothing.

It soothed me.

It nurtured me.

It band-aided me up.

That was my friend.

That was everything.

It was my master.

It told me when to get up in the morning and when to go to bed at night.

Where I was going to live, where I wasn't going to live.

If I was in a relationship and if I was not.

And who I was in a relationship with.

It dictated every single area of my life.

And now it wasn't helping me to get up in the morning.

And it wasn't putting me to bed at night.

It didn't help me to talk to you, connect with you.

What am I supposed to do?

I used to always go up and down alleys like this.

3 or 4 o'clock in the morning.

I dare you to come up on me.

I tell people I worry about the little people.

I don't worry about the big people.

It's the little people you got to worry about.

We scary.

You don't see us coming.

You know what I'm saying?

I walk up and down an alley.

Think I'm innocent.

See what happens.

And now all of a sudden I'm walking up and down alleys and I'm paranoid?

I'm sorry people.

I didn't take a paranoid class.

Freak me out.

I wanted the good old days back.

I wanted the days back where it just didn't matter.

And no matter what I did, I was still present for my experience.

And that's alcoholic torture to me.

You can't get drunk.

You can't get sober.

It's the worst place for a drunk like me to be.

And the best thing I can do is invite death into my life.

And I believe it's a cold thing when you invite death in your life and death don't even take you out.

Those darkest days.

Man.

I never want to go through that again.

See when I talk about it?

That was bad.

That was bad.

That's why I wish the newcomer desperation.

Because that was horrible.

That was horrible.

I ended up in a church.

Wasn't looking for it.

I did the aimless walk.

No purpose.

No agenda.

No destination.

It's just a walk.

And I stepped in this church and I felt the presence.

Our literature says only an act of providence can help a drunk like me.

But for the grace of God, I stand before you sober today.

I can't tell you that.

I was surrendered or I was done.

I don't know that language.

I hear people share that and it doesn't remove your experience.

It just wasn't mine.

You know what I mean?

I don't remember going, I'm going to get help or I can't, I don't, I don't know nothing like that.

I just know I wanted to die and I couldn't, and I was tired.

I was tired of doing another 24 hours like that.

And I stood in that church and what became visible was the window of the grace of God.

I could have missed it.

And I said, God, please allow me to feel the peace that I feel in this church.

Inside of me.

I needed one moment for my head to shut up, my skin to stop crawling, and for my stomach to stop turning.

Just for a minute, you know what I'm saying?

I feel like I lost my hustle.

I had no idea that prayer was going to change my life.

I didn't even know that anything was paying attention to me.

Still gets me.

I left there.

I went to daddy's house and I said, daddy, help me.

I had never asked for help before.

My father said with all the love that a father can have for his daughter, he had to watch me slowly die.

He's always been powerless.

With my alcoholism.

He left when I was two.

Him and my grandmother, they couldn't keep fighting mommy and alcoholism.

You know what I mean?

It was just too much.

He said, I've always wished I could just tie you up in a closet and try to keep you safe, but I can't.

You're standing in the middle of a crossroad.

There's three directions you're headed.

You're so close to them, you could taste them and smell them.

And that's jails, mental institutions, and death.

But there's another road.

It's called recovery.

You don't know anything about it and neither do I.

But if you give it a try, and if it doesn't work out, the other three will be waiting for you.

I share that so I can always remember.

Every day, I stand in the middle of the crossroad.

Every day.

Those roads are not blocked.

They may have caution tape, but they're openly available to me.

And I came out to California.

I got on a Greyhound bus, that's why I detoxed.

And I came out here because you have a tradition.

It's called attraction rather than promotion.

My mother is sober and my cousin, my cousin is mommy's Eskimo.

And whenever I used to come to California, they used to come to these meetings.

And I would drink before, during, and after.

And maybe you messed up my drinking.

I don't even remember paying attention to you people.

This was mommy's.

Mommy's the drunk.

She was a mess.

She needed to be with you.

You know what I'm saying?

I was.

She was a mess.

She was a mess.

She was an absolute mess.

But I remembered you.

I remembered the smiles, the laughter that we do around here.

I remembered the warmth and the camaraderie that you have with one another.

I remember that you never shunned me.

You didn't suck your teeth at me or roll your eyes at me.

And most importantly, you didn't try to shove a pamphlet down my throat.

I am truly grateful you didn't do those things.

Because I really believe that had you had done that,

I would have been willing to figure out how to die out there before I proved you right.

And I arrived in downtown Los Angeles Union Station on March 29, 1990,

wearing a size one pair of pants and two pants on the knee,

a huge sweatshirt, four months pregnant.

Didn't have a heartbeat by the time I got here.

I have not had the honor and the privilege of having children ever since.

I'm now going through menopause, hence the fan.

So you guys are talking about it's hot.

I'm like, I got my own weather.

I don't even know what's happening.

I don't even know what's going on in here.

I be walking around my house singing that song.

I be like, this girl is on fire.

I be screaming.

Just to give them a warning, you know,

because I turn into the exorcist all of a sudden.

Anyway, I'm having a new experience.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

And when mommy, mommy picked me up from Union Station

and she dropped me off in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This is my first time in the program.

I like to share that.

I learned that I have yet to go out and yet means you're eligible to.

I'm not exempt from the possibility.

But there are those of us who do arrive here and we do stay sober.

Our literature talks about 50% of us who really try stay.

And there's another 50% that may come and go and don't.

I think that's important that I heard people used to say relapse is part of recovery.

No, the big book clearly tells me what I don't do.

I can relapse.

Right.

And what I do do so I can stay sober.

And this is the one place that we understand.

I always say if a drunk comes back after relapse and we ask them why they in the wrong place.

There's a one place we should get it.

If we truly understand the disease of alcoholism.

It is so insidious.

I am.

I've learned so much.

From relapsers.

My sponsor used to have me going around with a pen and a paper.

And I used to say, excuse me, I understand you relapse recently, like a reporter.

Can you tell me exactly what you didn't do?

You know, and everybody would say the same thing.

I stopped going to meetings, stop working with the sponsor, stop working on the steps.

You know, I learned insanity returns and then we drink again.

So thank you.

I now home group.

We call our relapsers.

Our scouts want to thank you for scouting for us, letting us know what's not happening.

I remember telling my cousin.

I don't know.

I don't understand why people are like relapsing.

It says rarely have we seen a person fail as thoroughly following our path.

They should do the program and they won't relapse.

As you as I think about it, if nobody went out, nobody, you'll probably be one of those people going, how do you guys know nobody ever found out?

You don't think I was a good point.

Then it has.

So when I arrived, mommy picked me up.

She dropped me off in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and left me there because you told the two mommy can't help me.

Her and my cousin with the attraction.

But we didn't hang out with each other in recovery.

I know a lot of people get.

Sober together with their families and you hang out and you got a nice little family, a fan AA that has not been my experience.

Now I'm doing more meetings with mom because she lives with me.

She has Alzheimer's.

So anything I say about her, she ain't going to remember.

Anyway, I was sharing, I was sharing about that the other night.

I'm like, I be having fights with her and I get mad because I'm like, she don't even remember that.

I won, you know, whatever.

What is that all about?

Am I crazy?

Is she crazy?

I've been walking around like, yeah, I told her.

Yeah.

Then she be like, what happened?

And we start all over.

I be like, oh, I be like, I made a good point.

Now I forgot.

Fine.

You won.

You won.

I've gotten better, but I used to, mommy goes to Pacoima.

That's a home group.

Some of y'all know her from there.

But usually when Pacoima sees me show up, if it's not mommy's anniversary, then something's wrong.

I usually show up as the sick Al-Anon going, this her home group?

Where's her sponsor?

I be outside, right?

Let me not be like.

Okay.

12 steps ain't helping her today, yo.

Okay.

Anyway.

Oh, God.

I got sober in South Central Los Angeles.

I always say I'm so proud of the breed that I come from.

God knew where to put me.

9604.

Crenshaw, Alano.

I get emotional when I talk about it.

I hope you get just as emotional about your home group as I do mine.

You know what I mean?

I always feel like a baby in a baby basket left at the doorsteps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was those old timers in there that loved me until I could learn to love myself.

They picked up that basket, brought me into these rooms, and they began to spoon feed me.

And the kind of love that they had for me.

Was one that I didn't even know I was looking for.

They told me things about myself that I didn't even know.

They told me the only thing I needed to have was a mustard seed of willingness.

They introduced me to this thing called an open mind.

They told me to examine my relationship with alcohol.

Mine.

And the only way for me to do that was to listen to you.

And I needed to connect the dots.

I didn't go around calling myself an alcoholic because I had some issues or I ran into problems.

You define what alcoholism is for me.

And I need to go back in my experience and see if I could check off the boxes.

Because the.

Very first step in recovery was I needed to concede to my innermost self that I am truly alcoholic.

Because when I do that, I run to the remaining steps.

Nobody likes to admit complete defeat.

I don't know anybody who discovers that they have an illness and they're jumping for joy.

They didn't tell me I have to like it.

I just need to know that I have it.

No human power is going to relieve me of my alcoholism.

Nobody.

All my life I've reached outside of myself.

Money.

Property.

Prestige.

Relationships.

I've held you hostage.

I've let you hold me hostage.

Alcohol.

Drugs.

Shopping.

Title.

Job.

Career.

Educate.

All my life I've reached outside of myself.

Coming up short.

Coming up short.

Coming up short.

You can't fix me.

Man, I wish you could.

The one place you introduced me to I never thought I needed to go.

I always remember Marcy.

Another little Puerto Rican like me.

She walked up to me.

Real fatigued.

Took my face in her hand.

And she said, now baby.

I don't make no junk, baby girl.

You deserve to be here.

You a child of God.

And she said, you got a beautiful light inside of you, baby.

And we just got a clean house so that light can shine.

I remember Marcy telling me that.

What are you saying to me right now?

She said, it was inside of me.

She said, deep down inside in every man, woman, and child was the fundamental idea of God.

It lived inside of me.

And if lack of power was my dilemma, I needed to tap into a source of power.

I didn't get caught up in this whole God, the G-O-D thing.

Regardless what I came from.

Whether I came from religion or not, this was not a religious program.

This was a spiritual program of action and more action.

You told me that I suffered from what's called a soul sickness.

It was a spiritual disease.

And it's relatable to being restless, irritable, and discontent.

If I need a drink to wake up in the morning, to talk to you, to walk, to dance, to sing,

to live, I have a soul sickness.

I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.

And alcohol is a spirit.

And alcohol is my higher power.

See, I didn't get caught up in all that.

People are like, I got issues.

I got issues with the higher power.

You got issues with the religious state.

I've always had a higher power.

It was alcohol.

You told me I needed to find another one.

I've always relied on something else other than me.

I've been delusional to think that I've been running things.

I haven't been running nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I've got no gray area, folks.

I love how Sandy Beach says you're either living in your character defects or you're

living in God's will.

Everything is an illusion.

Everything is an illusion.

And so I put down the drink and I picked up the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous to tap

into this source of power.

It is the roadmap.

It is the breadcrumbs.

And I follow it.

I love the simplicity of this program.

Follow the black on the white.

It ain't that deep, man.

I do.

I get nervous with people.

They get too deep for me.

I'm like, you're scaring me.

Don't talk to me about the neurons and all that.

I don't want to talk about that.

Follow the black on the white.

If you want what we have, then you do what we do.

This is how thousands of men and women have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state

of mind.

I heard my grand sponsor used to say it.

He still says it over and over and over again.

The only thing I bring to the table, nobody else can give me this.

No lover, no family member, no sponsor, not even, no, God already gave it to me.

Nobody else can give this to me.

And that's willingness.

That's all I need is a mustard seed of willingness.

And I give back the power of choice.

And I go on this journey to uncover, discover, and discard.

To get rid of everything and anything that blocks me in the way of my usefulness.

And then I watch something happen to Teresa.

I don't know about setting goals.

I don't know about building boundaries.

I don't know about building self-worth or self-esteem.

I know that I practice these steps and I will watch me become a woman of dignity and integrity.

I've watched myself become a woman of self-esteem and self-worth.

I've watched it happen.

And I take very little credit for it.

I got 24 hours to do it.

I've watched myself become a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor.

Life has been in session for me and my home group.

They say, welcome to the land of the living.

Hmm.

They was asking me, how are things going?

Uh, things gotten better?

No.

I'm going to be minus in my bank account tomorrow.

Stuff is always getting turned off.

I was talking to my sponsor about that.

And I'm like, and I got really emotional talking to her.

Life and sobriety has been hard for me.

I've been the caretaker of most of my perpetrators and my abusers.

And I have been witnessing the miracle of this program.

That I don't drink no matter what.

I put my brother on life support and I watched that machine go flat.

And not a thought occurred to me to drink.

And I can't describe how difficult that was.

Hmm.

I watched my dad take his last breath looking at me and not a thought occurred to this drunk

to drink.

Mommy stretches my spiritual muscles on a daily basis.

But I have not had a thought to drink.

It's amazing to me.

And then I always, I was telling her today and I want to end on this.

This has been like a real big thing for me.

That I am just amazed.

Like you guys can take away, I've experienced life take away from me, friendships, relationships.

It has been like a real big thing for me.

That I am just amazed.

Like you guys can take away, I've experienced life take away from me, friendships, relationships.

It has been like a real big thing for me.

That I am just amazed.

That I am just amazed.

That I am just amazed.

I have adversities withers.

Because I am a mother.

I do not have a goodred mother.

My mother Bengi because it has bankrupt me financially.

I have fibbomyalgia, PTSD, anxiety.

I've just went to school.

I going to start school on Monday.

I have seen things happen.

I have learned joy, I have learned misery, all kinds of stuff.

You can take all kinds of things away from me.

Sometimes I feel like I am going to go homeless any minute or I am going to lose my mind.

And you know, everything is falling apart.

And I don't get a grip.

But there is one thing that is never taken away from me.

There is one thing that I have.

No one can ever take from me. People have taken my joy. They've taken my wishes, my hopes, my dreams. Life itself has been really something. But nobody could ever take away my sobriety. That's the only thing I can give you. And I cherish my sobriety. And so I look at every single situation that says, does this bring me closer to a drink? Or does it bring me closer to my sobriety?

I will not let nothing and nobody, no circumstance or situation ever rob me of the gift you've given me. Sobriety is a gift given to me by God. And what I do, it is my gift to God. And I do not know how not to give this program away. My phone rings like central office. I have a coffee pot going on in my house. I travel all over the freaking world. And I'm not a world traveler. And I don't like speaking, but I do it because my life depends on it because you gave me a purpose.

All these other things.

All these other things that I think I want to be and I think I want to have and I think I want to do. This is what drives my insanity and my thinking and my disease just does double time with that. God is a show off. He gave me a purpose. And that purpose is to stay sober and carry the message. That's it. And that's all. That's why I call him a show off. He takes a girl like me, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary and insignificant. He picks me up, dusts me off, builds me up so you can see what he can do. Oh, I get mad at him sometimes. And I say if he could do that for me, could you do that for me?

Could you imagine what he can do for you? If nobody told you they love you today, I truly truly do. I want to thank you for allowing the God in you to help discover the God in me so that I return can do it the same for others. You guys have no idea, especially today. I'm having a really hard time. I'm just a little tired. Just having a moment. I just have to say that out loud. You know what I mean? Because it'll be a secret. I'm just a little tired. Just need uncle. You know, I just need time, life to just give me a break for a minute. But if it did, I wouldn't need God as much as I do. So you have no idea the 12 step call you've done on me today.

I needed to be here. Thank you so much.