Finding Belonging Through Sobriety: Jenn's Journey

Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Jenn L.

Jenn, I'm an alcoholic. Watch your fancy little timer buttons. I've never seen that before. That's

very cool. Okay. So I'm Jenn, I'm an alcoholic. And my sober date is May 16th of 2010. My sponsor

is Leslie B. She lives in Vegas. I just moved here from there back in April. So I'm still like

getting acclimated to LA. It's like a really big city and that has been a challenging move to say

the least. So I'll talk more about that in my story. So I guess I'll kind of just start at the

beginning and tell you what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. I got sober

really young. So a lot of my story is in kind of the, you know, areas where I hit bottom or in

sobriety because I had such a short drinking period. So I'll probably...

talk a lot more about what it's been like since I've been sober and all the, you know,

mistakes I've made and how I've grown and learned from those. So I started drinking when I was 18

and I only drank until I was 23 and I hit bottom pretty fast, even in those four years, but,

or five years, I guess it was. But even before that, I had, I think I'd had the ism, like just

the restless, irritable, and discontent. I felt very uncomfortable from a very,

very early age. Even in third grade, I remember thinking I didn't fit in and I would look at these

girls that they were always named Ashley for some reason. And they were always blonde and they

always seemed to like be popular and, and happy and the teachers liked them. And, and I just

wanted to be like them. And, and I was kind of, I was nerdy and I was awkward and I would get in

trouble for really weird things like having bad handwriting and just, just stuff that I didn't

think that I, you know, again, like just little ways that I would always look at my, like the

differences.

Between me and everyone else. And I was in third grade and I just got progressively worse from

there. I always thought that it was everyone else that was the problem and I needed to just find my

people and I never could. And I didn't really until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I

identified that the issue was me and the way that my head talked to me and the way that I

kind of interpreted the world and also my drinking and how the damage that was causing. But

I kept trying to look for a solution to like why I felt so uncomfortable.

And many other areas. And a lot of that started with moving to different schools. So after third

grade, I was homeschooled because I felt like, you know, if I wasn't around all these girls named

Ashley, maybe I'd feel better about myself. And, you know, and I really enjoyed being homeschooled

because I just sat at home all day and read books and I really loved to read. I liked fantasy books

and stuff that was like about the, the awkward misfit who suddenly got powers and became really

special. And I, you know, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I wanted to be special. And so I liked homeschool. But that stopped working after a while too. And I

suddenly thought maybe I needed to go back to school and have friends. And so when I acclimated

back into school, I, my like, that restless, irritable and discontent had progressed. And I

was very, I wasn't able to be one of, I wanted to be special and I wanted to be the center of

attention and I would do whatever it took to do that. And, you know, I just, I just, I just, I just,

I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just

My senior year of high school, my dad died unexpectedly, and I was kind of left with this idea of, like, I had thought that if I just did everything right in life, and I didn't drink, and I didn't act out, that I would get all the things that I ever wanted, and nothing bad would ever happen to me, and, like, that's kind of how I interpreted, like, what I thought was God at the time.

And so when my dad died, I was like, well, I don't understand, I've been being the good girl, and meanwhile, my sister's, like, been running amok, and just doing whatever she wants, and I'm like, I've been over here being so good and so perfect, and yet, you know, we both still lost this person, so I felt like, well, why do I have to continue to act like a good, like, act good if these bad things are going to happen to me?

And so that's when I started drinking, because that always been kind of something I didn't want to dive into.

Because I felt like my parents didn't drink, and my dad drank a little bit, but not consistently, and so, and they always, like, you know, we had dare, and all this stuff when I was in high school, and so I was, like, really afraid of it, and I didn't want to, you know, go down a dark path, but after I lost my dad, it didn't seem to matter anymore, like, a lot of stuff didn't seem to matter, so I got to college, I didn't want to go to college, I really didn't know what I wanted to study there, I was really just sick of school, but my mom didn't know what to do with me at that point.

And she was kind of grieving in her own way, and, you know, I'm a selfish person, so I didn't understand why she wasn't paying attention to me anymore, you know, and that's just, like, the depths of my self-centeredness, and so I went to college, and I decided I wasn't going to study, or go to class, or do any of that stuff that I was there to do, I was just going to party.

And so I started drinking, and really from the first time I drank, I did not drink normally.

And what alcohol did for me was everything that I thought all these other things were going to do, all these moves, and all these, like, friendship changes, and everything that I was, like, searching for, and, like, life up until that point, I found with alcohol, like, fixed whatever I thought was broken, and I didn't care that I wasn't blonde, or named Ashley, or, you know, that I didn't, like, feel like I was totally fit in, because when I drank, I, it didn't matter, like, I validated, I felt validated when I drank, like, I felt good enough.

And I didn't care what people thought, and, like, for someone like me who's spent her whole life caring, and worrying, and not feeling good enough, once I, like, to have that all removed, and to finally feel good enough, and okay, was, like, this glorious feeling that I never wanted to let go of, and that's why I, you know, excused myself from, you know, getting too sloppily drunk, was I always thought, well, you know, this is doing for me something that nothing else can do for me, I'll learn my limits, I didn't realize

I had this allergy to alcohol, this obsession in the mind, because I'm pretty sure all that was just from the get-go, I didn't, like, build up to that, maybe I had in my, like, years of not drinking, but I never drank normally, like, the first night I was, I drank, I was blacked out, puking, being dragged back to my dorm, and then it just progressed from there, and I can maybe count on my hand a handful of times where I had, like, one or two drinks, and was okay with that, for the most part, I

couldn't keep track of how much I drank, I just drank until I was done, and I wasn't done until I was passed out, and I thought that was normal, because I was in college, and people drink pretty heavily in college, but a lot of what I didn't see was the people that I was drinking with were still waking up to go to class, you know, they were still, they were drinking because they wanted to, not because they had this allergy that, you know, they continued to drink even when they wanted to stop, like, they were getting very drunk because they

chose to get very drunk, and I had lost my choice, and I didn't realize that, I just assumed that one day I was going to wake up and be able to stop drinking when I was at that perfect level of a good buzz, and that day just never came, like, I just continued to progress and get worse, and I didn't understand, and then all of a sudden, like, for me, when I started to get in trouble, because I didn't care, like I said, alcohol was fixing me and making me feel better, I didn't care how drunk I was,

I didn't care that people, I was putting people, you know, out, like, that my roommate was worried about me, I didn't care that my mom was worried, I didn't care that it was, like, anything about that, because it was still doing something for me, like I said, I'm pretty self-centered, and so, but once alcohol stopped doing what it was doing for me, so that's when I started to think there was a problem, and that was my junior year in college was when it kind of stopped working, and, you know, that feeling of feeling okay when I drank was going away,

and I was suddenly left feeling still like myself, and still uncomfortable, and the times when I was sober, it was even worse, like, there was, like, I'm sure you can all remember, there's nothing, like, worse than waking up after a night of drinking where you couldn't get drunk enough, and now you're sober, and you're like, well, I might as well start drinking again, because I don't want to be sober, because if it was that bad when I was drinking, it's going to be even worse when I'm sober, and I just couldn't be in my own skin, I was, like, crawling out of it, I couldn't even, like, get in the shower,

without drinking first, because I just couldn't be in my body, and that's when I knew there was a problem, because I was, like, well, it's not even fixing me anymore, it's, like, not fixing me on this consistent basis, and there were still some days where I'd feel okay, but for the most part, it was getting to be all consequences and no feeling a part of, and a lot of people did not want anything to do with me at this point, I was not a vision for you by any means, I definitely was, like, a plight,

like, this drag on society, and my mom just continued to keep having to bail me out of situations, and I was down to pretty much one friend at this point, and she drank the way I drink, and I'm pretty sure she's going to join us one day, but she drank differently than everyone else that I'd been drinking with, you know, she was the same as I was, like, we couldn't, once we, when we were together, we started drinking, we couldn't stop drinking, we'd both black out, we'd wake up in these weird places, and so when we drank together, it was pretty

like, it was scary, you know, we almost, like, killed somebody, honestly, when we were driving one night, and I don't, I was blacked out, she was driving, and the guy that we almost hit, like, actually made us pull over, and he drove us back to where he lived, and, like, let us sleep it off, and there's just so many other ways that that could have gone, and because of, you know, that we have this disease and this allergy, like, we would laugh it off, and we'd be like, okay, well, we're just not going to get that drunk again, like, you know, we laughed about it the next morning,

about how, like, you know, we got out of another scrape, you know, but the sad reality is that could have gone so many different ways, and then, you know, the next night, we were just as drunk, because neither of us could control or manage our drinking, and we drank because we had to, because we have this obsession, and so I don't change behavior until I have consequences, and that's kind of still a theme in my life today, and it's something that, you know, I, like, over time have, like, you know,

the things that I have to learn get less and less, like, they're not as big of problems, but I still don't take different action until I have consequences for taking the old action, so I finally had some consequences, I've always wanted to work in film and TV, and I got a really great internship opportunity my junior year, after my junior year of college, and I was, did, I kind of held it together for the two months that this internship went, and I don't know how I did that,

but I did, and then at the end, I was like, oh my gosh, I did so good, I didn't, you know, get drunk at work, I didn't, you know, show up hungover, and so I'm going to treat myself, and we were having a beach party with the company that I was interning for, and they were allowing us to drink margaritas, they were serving margaritas, it was like an end of the summer bash, and I was like, well, I did really good this summer, so I'm just going to have one, one or two, and one or two turned into, you know, how many that I drank until I drank,

and I'm running around, and I'm telling the CEO of the company that they're doing everything wrong, and, you know, and I'm pretty much told that I needed to leave, and I was supposed to have gotten a job there after I graduated, and that offer was definitely, like, rescinded after that event, and so I woke up the next morning, and I kind of, I kind of knew, I could remember, like, the little bits and pieces I remembered were not good, and that's when I thought, maybe I need to get some help, and really, it was like, well, maybe I need to run away, like, I kind of messed this up,

I'm just going to run home to my mom, and she's going to fix everything, and it's going to all get better, and then I'll be able to come back in a blaze of glory, and, you know, and my mom had other ideas, so I went home, and, again, I thought if I got drunk back home, it wouldn't be as bad as getting drunk in California, I don't know, because I was out here for school, and, you know, within a week or two of me being back, she had to pick me up from the hospital, and that started my journey towards sobriety.

I didn't wake up the next morning.

I didn't wake up the next day after being in the hospital and think I wanted to get sober.

I woke up and thought, maybe I need to learn how to drink better.

I'm still, like, I need to learn how to control and manage my drinking, because I'd finally got to the point where I realized, okay, well, I can't control my drinking, but there has to be a way that I can learn how to do that, and I thought that's honestly what I thought rehab was going to teach me, so I was kind of excited to go to rehab, plus it was, like, an opportunity to get away and find, you know, run away from all my problems,

and I got to rehab, and they handed me a book, and they told me I could never drink again, and I was just devastated, and I kind of checked out mentally from that point on, and I would show up to groups, and I would sit there with my arms crossed, like, I, like, don't have the same problems you guys have, you all are, like, way worse than me, I, like, just got into a few scrapes, but I'm totally fine, and, you know, and then as soon as I found out that if you act like that, they're going to send you to rehab, I was like, okay, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this, I'm

going to do this, I'm going to do this,

program as extended care. I flipped my script and I was like, oh no, I'm such an alcoholic.

Like you guys have done so much for me. I finally understand it now. And I wasn't fooling anyone.

They sent me to a four month like outpatient program at inpatient slot. It was an inpatient,

but like a lesser, like a step down back in California. And I was like, oh, well, I'll be

back in LA. Like, I mean, I was in Newport, but I was like, it'll be at the beach. There'll be

celebrities. It'll be amazing. And I had all these like crazy ideas of like, you know what?

I just didn't, I don't know. It was just so delusional. And so I get to that place and

they told me I couldn't drink either. And I, for whatever reason, I thought maybe they would have

a better like outlook on my drinking condition and they would be able to teach me. And they were

like, oh, we do Tai Chi here. So I was like, oh my gosh, if I do Tai Chi, maybe I'll be able to

drink normally. And I know, I don't know. Like I really like was very crazy. And so they told me I

couldn't drink either. And so of course I checked out until I knew that, until I found out that if

I acted like I was drunk, I wouldn't be able to drink. And so I was like, oh my gosh, if I do Tai

was getting better, that I would be able to go to sober living. And in sober living, there was

less rules and I could get a job and I could feel like more independent. So I put on my little act

and I was like, oh yeah, I totally like think I'm an alcoholic and I really want to like get better.

And I really didn't. I really didn't think I was an alcoholic. I really, really did not believe.

I didn't know what an alcoholic was. I hadn't taken the time to figure it out

or to like hear in meetings what alcoholism was. I just assumed because I didn't do a lot

that I wasn't an alcoholic. And again, I was like, everyone else was like, oh, you guys had a lot

worse runs than I did. So I just didn't understand what it was. And I didn't think I was one. And so

I fought it and I was in and out for another year until I finally moved to Vegas. And that's where

I got sober. And it wasn't anything. It wasn't like I went out on one last big hurrah or one

last run. It was, I feel like I ran out of ideas because my like, I kept thinking if I just drank

with the people I drank with in college, if I just did this, if I just did that, then I could prove

to myself that I'm not an alcoholic. I just have to be drinking with people that drink the way I

drank. And so I happened to have some friends in town. And when I moved back to Vegas and well,

the rehab had kicked me out. I hadn't willingly moved, but they just got tired of me. So I was

back in Vegas and these friends from college were going to be in town. And I was so excited. And I

went and met up with them. And I was like, I'm going to drink. And I was like talking all this smack

rehab and sobriety and like, oh gosh. And they're like, yeah, I can't believe you needed that.

And then within an hour, like I blacked out, came to, it was like, you know, fist to fist with a

bouncer at one of the clubs down there. And I didn't know where my friends were. I didn't know

where my phone was. I didn't know where anything was. I somehow found my phone. I have no idea how

my friends weren't answering. They sent me a text. Do not call us. Do not ever contact us again. We

want nothing to do with you. And I still honestly don't know what I did. And I'm back in LA now

where they live. So it's like, I don't know what I did. I don't know what I did. I don't know what I

did. But hopefully that'll be like an amends opportunity. Cause I don't know. Like I still

have no idea what happened. I had a lot of my stuff in their hotel room. So I had to like beg

the security team to let me in. Cause they didn't even want, like, they were like so done with me.

They didn't even care. They were like, we don't care if you can't like function the rest of your

life. We just do not want you around us in any way, shape or form. And so that's what my drinking,

where my drinking took me. And then I woke up the next day and I was like, okay,

it just clicked. I don't know why. I don't know why that day. And I don't know what it was about

that situation, but it just clicked for me. I felt like I finally understood that like,

I did not want to get that drunk that night. And that was the first time I'd really like

gone out with the intention of not getting that drunk. And I was like, I'm going to prove to

these people, to everyone that I can drink normally. And I, and I completely failed

to do that. And so that was my moment. And from that point on, I haven't wanted to,

you know, take a drink. That's not to say that a drink hasn't sounded good because like, you know,

I have alcoholism, not alcoholism. And I, you know, there's times where I'm like, man, I really

wish I could just drink normally. But what has, you know, kept me showing up to meetings is the

fact that I just know I can't, you know, and it's not like I don't want to drink ever, but I know I

can't drink and I know what's going to happen. And so, you know, when those moments I show up

to a meeting, I call someone, I like, you know, get that alcoholic mind to quiet down. Um, because

I don't want to drink. I, I really, really, it's the last thing I'd ever want to do in my life

again is pick up another drink because I know where it'll lead me. Um, and so that's really

what continues to keep me showing up and, uh, has kept me here for nine years. It's just knowing

what I am. And, and that was what I'd struggled with for, for that whole time I was in, uh, so

like, uh, rehab and sober living. I just didn't know what I was. And now that I do, and I can

still feel like that, you know, more of like that mortifying,

next day, like pit of your stomach, just, uh, feeling like I never want to feel that again.

And so, um, yeah, so I came, I was living in big, I had moved to Vegas. I went to a meeting. Um,

I asked some of the first person I met who I was like, I need us. I told him I needed a sponsor.

They're like that woman right there. She's going to make sure you stay in line. And I was like,

good. That's what I need. I need somebody that's going to be tough on me because, uh, you know,

I'm very, very good at manipulating people.

And so, um, I started working the steps with her and I started doing everything she said. And I

didn't like a lot of it because I had to, you know, she told me I had to call people and get

rides to meetings and, um, you know, cause she wanted me to like interact and not just show up

five minutes before and leave five minutes after. And, um, I was really uncomfortable. I really

didn't like, um, feel like, you know, I was like, but people don't like me and like, I don't like

me. Um, but I did it anyways, cause I didn't want to drink again. And I started to,

really like enjoy showing up to Alcoholics Anonymous because I felt, I felt kind of what

I was looking for with alcohol. I started to find that here. Um, and that sense of ease and comfort

and like that sense of a partness, like that started to go away and I started to feel a part

of. And, um, and so as I started to kind of like feel like, oh, wow. Okay. These people actually

want me here. Like, oh, like they actually want to help me. Like, oh, okay. Like I,

I have what they have. I can relate to them. You know, even if I didn't feel like we were like the

same in any other area, we were the same because we were alcoholic and we could like talk about

that, you know? So that's what a lot of my early conversations in sobriety were. It was like all

like, you know, talking about alcoholism cause I didn't know how to have conversations. Cause I

didn't know how to talk about anyone but myself. And I used to like, like self pity and, you know,

I just used to cry about like really stupid things all the time. And so I, uh, you know,

had to start greeting at meetings.

And, you know, extending my hand and asking people how they were doing. And, um, you know,

I slowly started to make friends and, and I started to, and I got a job and, um, I started,

showed up for that job and I showed up to meetings on a consistent basis and I put together two years

and I had met, um, a guy in the rooms and, you know, and I think that was probably like,

for me, part of why I kept coming back was like, oh my gosh, I don't want him to break up with me.

Um, you know, but, and, and we're not,

we're not together now. And so, um, you know, at two years sober, he, um, he ended up getting,

he was in jail. He like went to jail cause he was an immigrant and he, um, had like gotten

charges on his, he had a green card and gotten charges on his like record back when he was

drinking. And so they were trying to deport him back to England where he was from. And

so all of a sudden it's like, I realized as soon as he was arrested that he was my higher power.

And it was like this huge wake up call at two years sober that I'm like, yeah,

I'm going to go to jail. And so I'm like, I'm going to go to jail. And so I'm like, I'm going to go to jail.

I've been showing up to meetings and I've been doing the step work, but I have no God.

Like, you know, my God is this man because that's what was keeping me, you know, that's what it was

filling that, that hole inside of me was this relationship. And so like with the kind of

thought of him getting taken away, I, um, I started to spiral again. And around the same

time, the sponsor that I had had when I was first sober had relapsed. And so I had a brand new

sponsor who I thought my first sponsor was tough. And this woman, we went straight to the book for

everything, which is amazing. And she's a sponsor that I still have today. And, um, so, you know,

she got me, she's like, you know what, you need to find a higher power and you need to let the

attorneys do their job because I'm over there. Like I'm spending hours of my day researching

ways to get them out of jail. I'm calling the attorneys on the phone. I'm like, did you think

I'm doing this yet? And they're like, yes, this is our job. And they, they told me to stop contacting

them because it was like adding billable hours. And, you know, but that's what I do. Like, I don't

think, I don't think of other people. I just think of like, oh my gosh, I got to get them out of jail.

And, um, yeah, we had, I had a whole Facebook group about it. I mean, like, you know, free him

and everything. It was, it was, I mean, kind of insane now looking back. But, um, anyway, so I

stopped, I stopped trying to be a lawyer and I started going to more meetings and calling more

people because that's what she suggested I spend that time doing. And you know what, the lawyers

worked there. We worked through the system and he got out.

We got married and, you know, things were good again and sobriety was good again. And actually

that time, like right after that was probably one of the best like times in, in my sobriety. Like,

I think because I'd surrendered so much again to this higher power and it's like, so then our

relationship was a little bit different. And at first it wasn't, it was a good thing. Like,

you know, cause I had a God now and it wasn't him. And it's like up until that point, like,

if he was like, he'd say jump and I'd say how high. And after that it shifted, you know,

and I started to like recognize that the things that he wanted in life were not the things that

I'd wanted to let in life. But when he was my God, I was willing to sacrifice like what I wanted for

what he wanted. Cause please don't leave me. Cause you're the only thing that I have, you know?

And so there was like a shift in our relationship after that. And it didn't, um, come to a head

until many years later. Um, cause like I said, we got married and we bought a house together and

he, uh, he stopped going to AA though. And, and that was difficult because,

he kind of like had copped this resentment against God after he was in jail and never really worked

through it with a sponsor. And so he just started pulling away from meetings and, um, you know,

and I think he's still sober now and he still doesn't go to meetings and maybe he doesn't have

the kind of alcoholism I have. Cause I know for me, like I haven't been to a meeting since Monday

and I was like literally losing my mind today. And, um, but yeah, so our relationship started

to fall apart. And, um, and the first thing that I blamed was Alcoholics Anonymous. This was about

five years sober, um, was when things kind of started to like, to, to kind of be revealed that

this probably wasn't the relationship that I was meant to be in. And that I kind of probably jumped

the gun and was again, like looking for validation and, and something and not trusting God. And I was

trusting like, um, you know, human power versus, versus a higher power. And, uh, and so we ended

up getting divorced and, and, um, you know, but before that I really thought Alcoholics Anonymous

was to blame. And I was like, maybe I just need to go to less meetings. If we spend more

time together, maybe it'll fix this relationship. And so I tried to run that by my sponsor and

she's like, give me a moment. And then I get a call from my grand sponsor and, uh, that that's,

that's never good. And so when you pull in the grant, when you start going up the line, you know,

and, uh, and he goes, he said something that was incredibly powerful. And he said, you know,

um, he said, how do you think? Cause I was like, you know, I just feel so lonely. And, and I'm like,

and I think it's just because I don't spend time with him. He's like, well, how do you think,

how do you feel if you weren't going to any Alcoholics Anonymous meetings? So if you didn't

have any of the fellowship and I, and that hit me hard because I was like, wow, I'm not lonely in

AA. I'm lonely in this marriage. You know, AA has been like, what's been saving me and keeping me

afloat. And so that was for me, that revelation, I was like, you know what, this is not the,

this, the marriage is not right. And, um, but in true Jen fashion, I did not exit that marriage

gracefully. Um, I almost nearly blew up my life and I kind of started this chain of events that

followed me for two years. So, um, we got divorced when I was like six years sober. So it

took about a year for me to kind of like pull the plug. And, uh, I wish I could just say like,

Hey, I was just, you know, had a really adult conversation with him. And, you know, we both

decided to go our separate ways and that wasn't it at all. Um, there, I found another, he, that

looked a lot better than the current he. And I was like, Oh, well, I guess this, yeah, there's

going to be another, it's a light at the end of the tunnel. Okay. Like, you know, I, this is going

to be fine. And so, um, yeah, I exited and he was in my home group at the time. And so it, it, it,

it was really, it almost, I almost got drunk over the situation. So, um, I moved out of my house

and, you know, just kind of told my ex-husband that like, yeah, it's not working, we're done.

And I just needed a reason to be able to beat with this other person. And, um, and, and that

I can't take actions like that without feeling the consequences in my conscience, you know?

Um, because even though our marriage hadn't been working, like he deserved so much better

than the way that I left it. And I got to make amends to him and clean that up. And, you know,

he forgave me. And, uh, but, but, you know, I, I really, I like really broke him in that way.

You know, I really hurt him. And, um, you know, and I'm, and I'm grateful for the amends process

because it was really healing for both of us. But if I could have gone back and done it

differently, like I would never have like wanted to hurt someone that way again.

You know, and we don't regret the past. We learn from it. And I've been able to help a lot of women,

um, with that experience. Um, and I definitely got the karmic blowback from that situation.

Um, because I entered into this relationship with this person that was very volatile.

And my ex-husband was very sweet and very kind. And, you know, we, like I said, we just didn't

work, but this relationship was extremely toxic. And it was never been in a relationship like that

before. And, um, I kept trying to make it work and it just didn't work. And it was, it was hard

because he was in my home group. And so now all of a sudden my safe place wasn't safe. And my,

my meetings that were about being better and showing up and being of service suddenly became

about him. And it was just this entire, um, it just consumed me. And, um, and I caused a lot

of damage and I, and I caused a lot of damage in the group and I had to go and make amends for all

of that as well. Um, and the greatest thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is we,

those people were so forgiving, but it was the, it was the, the hardest and the deepest amends I've,

I've ever had to make was to this, to the individuals in the group that I harmed through

that process. Um, you know, and fortunately I was able to clean it up and I was able to continue

to show up and neither of us had to leave the group. Um, but it, it, it followed me for about

two years. Um, and, uh, and, uh, you know, and, and again, it was just, that's kind of where I

really got to the point where I was like, I have got,

to take my sponsor's direction, whatever it takes, because she had told me to do the opposite

of what I did in that situation. And, uh, I was like, yeah, she doesn't know. Like,

this is, I want what I want when I want it. Right. And so, um, I learned a really hard and

really painful lesson. I will tell you there was a day where I almost took a drink over this. Like

it all kind of like came to a head and I was like seconds and inches away from a drink. And like I

said, what kept me, what got me to a meeting was just knowing what would happen if I took a drink

and I didn't want that to happen. So I called up, uh, you know, a woman in our group and I

got to a meeting and that meeting didn't help. And so I went to another meeting and I got some

relief in that second meeting. Um, and then I was like, all right. And I told Leslie, I'm like,

I'm willing to do whatever you say. Like, it doesn't matter. Like I will like, I need to climb

my way out of this hole because if I leave this group or if I leave AA over this, I know I'm going

to get drunk again. And so I started taking actions to climb my way out. And I did, I started making

amends and I started acting differently. And that was like a huge shift in my sobriety was from that,

that situation.

And, uh, and I grew more than I've grown. And probably like the, the seven years prior to that

was, was walking through that extremely painful, uh, situation, you know, and, and I always want

to extend my hand to, to women who are, you know, in a place that's similar because there is a way

out of that. You know, we all like, we all, we all do stuff and there's always ways out. And,

um, you know, I feel like that is kind of what started happening was like women started coming

to me with their relationship issues and this and that. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and I was like able to help them and I felt useful. Um, and then, uh, so I got back to a really good

place with my home group and, and with, uh, with like Las Vegas and I had a great job and, and, uh,

things were just, just good. Um, and, uh, I'd always wanted to move back to LA though, to be

in film. Like I'd been writing, I'd been screenwriting for, for years. I'd started

screenwriting back in like when I was 25 ish or 26. And so I've been doing it for a long time.

And, uh, and I knew that if I wanted to pursue it professionally, I'd have to move. And that was

kind of one of those like little kinks in our breaks down in our, our relationship with my

ex-husband is like, he was like, I'll never move to LA with you, you know? And I was like, oh,

well, I guess I'm going to stay here then until I got to the point where I'm like, well, I kind

of want to move to LA, you know? And so, um, uh, so I started looking into ways to do that.

And, uh, I had been, I had a writing partner out here and, um, you know, he was working in the

business as an assistant in a writer's room. And he's like, you really just got to come out here.

You just got to be, you got to be in LA. And so, uh, this was kind of coming out the tail end of

that whole disaster with like the relationship. I was like, oh, it's, it'll be great. I'll get a

fresh start. You know, things are really good in Vegas now. It's always good to leave when things

are good. Um, but you know, I think I was a little bit of me was like back to my old ways of like,

well, let's run away now. Like, let's just, you know, let's just see what else is out there,

you know? And I, and I moved out here without getting a job first. And with

kind of expectations of how things were going to go. And this was back in April. And, um, you

know, and I thought that I was going to get like a staffed on a TV show right away and it was going

to be easy. And my writing partner and I were going to like start creating our own shows together.

And, you know, I just had this, and then I was going to return to Vegas in this like blaze of

glory. I always want to return in blaze of glory. Whenever I've like caused wreckage somewhere,

even if it's like kind of like, you know, patched up and things are better. I always want to come

back in a blaze of glory and be like, look at me now, you know? And, um,

and I got into, I totaled my car my first week out here. Um, and then my writing partner decided

he wanted to be a solo writer two months out here and I couldn't get a job. I had like a lot of

different job options and they all fell through. And I hit this bottom when I was out here back in

July and I hadn't had a car for like three months and I hadn't really been getting to meetings. I'd

kind of sort of been going, I was like, oh, meetings aren't important. I got to write. I

got to make my career happen. I don't know. Alcoholism is horrible. Um, so I'd been,

I'd been going to like two, maybe three meetings a week, but I hadn't really found a home group.

And so then I hit this bottom. So the day my writing partner was like, oh, I don't want to be,

I don't want to write stuff with you anymore. I want to write on my own. I was like, oh,

okay, well, um, that's cool. And I was kind of like, forget everything. I'm going back to Vegas,

but then I'm like, well, I can't go back to Vegas because all those people were so excited for me

to leak, come out here. And, you know, like, I mean, they were genuinely happy for me to pursue

my dreams. And I'm like, oh, if I have to go back there, I have to see the ex and his new girlfriend.

And I was just like, so I'm like stuck in this place with like, what do I do? And what do we do

as we get to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? And this woman, um, Joby had been seeing me at

meetings and she was like, like just started dragging me around places. And she started

calling me and she started me connecting you with her sponsees. And so I started to get more active

and I started to get more acclimated and I started to find meetings that I started going to

consistently. And I got a car because I was like, if I'm going to have a, I need to get a job. And

I was like, try to avoid getting like an assistant job because I'm like, no, I should just be like,

you know,

the show creator. Cause my ego thinks that I need to like skip all those steps. And, um, you know,

I was like, you know what, I'm gonna need to get, I'm gonna need to start at the bottom. And so I

got a car and I started applying for jobs and wasn't getting any. And I was like running out

of money. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm like literally going to have to have to go back to

Vegas if I can't pay my rent. And, um, and then I got a job and, uh, you know, and, and really

though, like what, what, what's even in those moments where it was like, oh, I don't know what's

going to happen.

I was showing up to meetings. I was praying and I trusted God. I really believed that whatever it

was like, you know, my higher power was going to like figure it out. As long as I did service work,

as long as I showed up to meetings, like I knew that I was going to be okay. And, um, and so that's

what I did. And that's like, you know, like, that's what I, that's what I did is I was just

showing up to Alcoholics Anonymous and I was trusting God and I was making my life out here,

none of my business. And, uh, and that's when I got this, this job. And, um, and, and last week,

it was my first week. And it was like, you know, of course I'm always like, oh, I got the job.

Things are going to be wonderful now. Like, look at me. I'm going to return home in this blaze of

glory. I always go there. And the first week was like absolute hell. I was getting yelled at from

five different places. I mean, it was literally typical assistant, like what you expect to be,

you know, what, what do you expect? And, and, you know, I was like calling my sponsor. She's like,

okay, you're going to do something different. You're not going to get emotional. You're going

to, you know, make sure you're meditating and talking to God. And, you know, I was like,

you're not going to blow up this opportunity, you know? And so I got through it and it wasn't

perfect. Definitely like wish I'd been a little bit better about taking all of her direction

through that week, you know? And then, and I followed as closely as I could and, and much

better than I normally have in the past. And I survived the first week and, um, you know,

and I'm really glad to be at a meeting cause, cause I hadn't been to my regular meetings last

week cause I was just, I didn't get out until like 10 o'clock. And so, um, you know, so it's

really good to be here. And it's just like, reminds me again, like as I kind of go through

my experience, like how important it is for me to follow direction because I always start thinking

that like, I know, and when I do things like, and I react on like, I knows it's usually when I end

up in trouble. Um, you know, and, and so when I prioritize other things above Alcoholics Anonymous,

and that's not to say like, I can't have a career that I want to have. It's just, I have to always

remember like number one, who I'm working for, which is always God. And like number two, like

that Alcoholics Anonymous comes ahead of all that. Because if I'm not sober or not even that,

like if I'm not sane in sobriety, like I will blow, like as I have shared with you, I will blow up my

life not having a drink. And so I have to continue to show up and I have to say yes to, uh, you know,

being of service. And, and again, I just have to make my life none of my business. And I really,

what I always like have to focus on, and I always do best when I'm talking to you about how you're

doing and not how I'm doing. When I'm talking to you about how you're doing and not how I'm doing.

And I always do best when I'm talking to you about how you're doing and not how I'm doing. When I'm

finding out more, I'm more interested in you than I am in me. So anyways, um, I'm, thanks for asking

me to speak. Where's Oscar? Thank you so much. And it was great to be here tonight. And I think

I'm just going to close with that.