Finding Serenity After Trauma: Steve's Journey

Now, I would like to introduce our main speaker, Steve L.

Steve L, Alcoholic.

It's good to be here.

It's good to be sober if you're new.

Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I think there were a couple hands that I saw that raised as new.

And I want to thank Oscar for inviting me to share.

It's always an honor and privilege to share.

And thank you.

And I enjoyed Sean and Nancy.

I enjoyed the 10-minute talks.

That's great.

And one of the reasons why I like to say that I appreciate being here is because that became

a little bit more evident to me a few years ago.

Because what happened, my sobriety day is July 27th, 1996.

So I've been sober 23 years.

And shortly before my 20th birthday in May of 2016, I got shot.

Now, I've been shot before.

I was in the Army.

And I got shot when I was in Beirut.

I was in Special Forces.

But my team sergeant at the time was totally unimpressed with it.

He's a Scottish guy.

And he was like, flam.

This is a mere flesh wound.

It was a through and through.

It was no big deal.

But this time in May of 2016, when I got shot, I got shot in the chest.

And what happened was I was up in Badger, California, which is right outside of Sequoia

National Park.

It's a beautiful area at the Seven Circles Retreat Center.

And I had had breakfast.

It was a Saturday morning.

And I was back in the cabin.

I was sitting on my bed, minding my own business.

And there was a gentleman upstairs from me that decided it was the right time to clear

his Glock 9mm weapon, which is no big deal other than the fact that instead of removing

a round from the chamber, he jacked a round into the chamber.

And then when he fired it, he shot the floor that he was on, which was the ceiling above

me.

The round went through the ceiling and it entered my chest right above my heart, and

it traveled down and buried right in my sternum.

Go get your attention, you know.

And in Alcoholics Anonymous, we talk about serenity and peace of mind.

But I got to tell you, the first word out of my mouth was not very serene.

It was a shortened version of fire truck.

And I kind of, I yelped it, actually.

And the guy from upstairs comes running downstairs, and he looks at me and goes, what happened?

Like, you shot me.

That's what happened.

And this guy starts absolutely freaking out.

He is totally freaking out.

And what I found myself doing is I am trying to calm this guy down.

Now, I've just been shot.

I'm trying to calm him down.

That is all because of Alcoholics Anonymous and the steps.

Because I got to tell you, I was just coming into my 20th year of sobriety, and if it had

been 20 years earlier, I'd have been 10 different shades of pissed off.

I don't know what your idea of a justified resentment is, but I think getting shot should

be, should be up there, right?

And I'm trying to calm this guy down.

And I tell him, look, I said, you got to take me to the hospital, right?

So, we drive down to Visalia to the Cahuilla Medical Center.

That's a local medical center.

And I go into the emergency room.

I got this bloody towel on my chest, and they're like, can we help you?

I'm thinking it's pretty obvious, but I said, yeah, I've been shot.

Now, when you tell them you've been shot, you go right to the head of the line.

There's a bunch of people in the emergency room that maybe some broken bones and stuff.

But when you tell them you've been shot, they wheel out the gurney.

There's 12, 13 people working on me.

They bring me in.

They do this overhead x-ray to find the round.

And then I'm being attended by a cardiothoracic surgeon.

They hook me up to an EKG, and the cardiothoracic surgeon looks at me, and he goes, you know,

I don't know how to tell you this.

This is really bizarre.

This round is lodged in your sternum, and it's not moving.

It's embedded in there.

And apparently, it went right by your heart within millimeters.

It missed all the arteries.

I don't know how that happened, but it looks like you're going to stabilize, and we're

going to release you in a couple of days.

But we noticed in the EKG, you have this thing called an atrial

flutter, which is like AFib, atrial fibrillation.

Your heart is just spasming, which is not that surprising.

A bullet just went right by it, so it's probably not thrilled with that concept.

And he said, look, this is not something that is of immediate concern, but you need to see

a cardiologist when you go back to where you live, because this is the type of thing, if

you don't pay attention to it, you might need medication.

You could have a stroke and die.

So they released me after a few days, and I come down.

I live in Redondo Beach, California.

I go to the Torrance Memorial Medical Center.

I see my doctor, Dr. Carlson.

He hooks me up to an EKG, and he says, yeah, you've got this thing called an atrial flutter.

He says, but look, you know, it's not that big a deal.

We've got this procedure, and what I like to do is I like to do this procedure.

It's called a cardioversion on you, and it works most of the time.

And what we're going to do is you've seen, you know, in the movies where they paddle

somebody, you know, and they shock you.

Well, that's barbaric.

We would never do that to you.

What we're going to do is tape these pads to your chest, and then we're going to hit

you with a jolt of electricity that will stop your heart.

We will wait five to seven seconds.

Then we'll hit you with another jolt of electricity that will restart your heart, and hopefully

it will be insane.

So I'm like, you know, I'm not that quick on the uptake, doc, but that sounds like you're

going to kill me.

And Dr. Carlson says, no, no, no, no, we don't like to look at it that way.

You know, it's a medical procedure.

It's a cardioversion.

I've done it hundreds of times.

I'll be attending.

You'll be in the hospital.

And by the way, before the procedure, there will be an anesthesiologist, and the anesthesiologist

will come in and we'll give you something to make you comfortable.

So I'm an alcoholic.

I go from you're going to kill me to I'm going to get comfortable.

Now, it's not that I haven't been comfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I haven't been

that kind of comfortable in over 20 years, you know?

And I know this is like a free pass.

My sponsor will be okay with this.

So I'm like, okay, doc, let's do it.

Sign me up.

Let's go, right?

So three, four weeks later, I show up at the hospital.

I got the little gown on.

They tape the pads to my chest.

I got an IV in me, and Dr. Carlson's there, and the anesthesiologist walks in, and he's

got a syringe full of comfortable, and I'm just watching him all the way across the room,

you know?

And he gets up to me, and he makes a little small talk, and he injects the comfortable

into the IV.

And the next thing I know, Dr. Carlson's leaning over me.

He goes, how you doing?

I'm like, I'm good.

I'm good, doc.

He goes, well, how do you feel?

I said, I feel fine.

I'm ready.

Let's do it.

Let's go ahead and do the procedure.

He goes, no, no, no, we already did the procedure.

The procedure's over.

And I immediately went, no, no, no, that ain't right.

That ain't right.

You told me I was going to get comfortable.

So here I am arguing with a doctor about general anesthesia.

I've only had one sponsor since I've been sober, and he's still alive, thank God.

But I've had several grand sponsors.

One of my grand sponsors was a guy named Scott Redman.

He died a little over 11 years ago.

And what Scott used to say is that only alcoholics get excited about general anesthesia.

Because in the old days, and the older people will know this.

Younger people won't know this.

But in the old days, what they would do is they would give you general anesthesia, and

they would tell you to count back from 100.

And you'd go 100, 99.

And we live for 99 and 98.

So we're looking for that.

But what they did this time is they gave me this stuff called Propothol, which is what

they gave Michael Jackson.

They just gave me the correct dose.

And the problem with Propothol is you're here, and then you're here.

There's no there.

There's no 99.

It's really disappointing, frankly.

But that's not the point of the reason why I tell the story.

The reason why I tell the story is because when I got shot, I was on an AA retreat.

Now, just let that settle in for a little while.

Yeah.

Just let that settle in for a little bit, okay?

Because you read in the 12 and 12 how we're suggested to go on an occasional retreat where

we can kind of get maybe with a sponsor, maybe do some step work, get some quiet alone time,

meditate, pray, get away from the worldly clamors, right?

I'm on an AA retreat, but it's better than that.

I'm leading the retreat.

I'd given a talk the night before on unity, which I thought was rather compelling, but

I don't know if that guy paid attention because he shot me.

And the evening of the morning when I got shot, that evening, I was scheduled to give

a talk on acceptance and forgiveness.

Yeah.

But the best part, the guy that shot me, I sponsor him.

Yeah.

I sponsored him then, I sponsor him now.

And people are like, well, how can you do that?

Well, because of forgiveness, which I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And one of the things that I learned is I made a lot of mistakes before I got here,

and I've made a lot of mistakes since I've been here.

And one of the things that happens through the amends process is we're granted and we're

given and we provide forgiveness.

And that is an integral part of Alcoholics Anonymous as I see it.

When I got here, I didn't want to be here.

I didn't have a felony DUI, but I got popped for a DUI.

I used to drive drunk all the time.

I'm the kind of guy that I like to drink beer and chew tequila because beer is like a basic

food group and tequila is like an accelerant, okay?

And the way I drink beer and chew tequila is sometimes it's by design, but sometimes

I just like, my wife sends me out to get milk and I come back three days later.

You know, I meet somebody like Oscar, we start drinking beer, shoot tequila.

I used to do this thing called, I thought it was time travel.

Now I realize it's black and out.

Okay.

And, and three days later and I come back, I come back and I'm like, but I stop at the

store.

I get the milk.

I'm like, Hey baby, I got the milk.

She's not impressed.

I don't understand that there's a time requirement to the task, you know?

And I can't, I can't predict when this is going to happen.

You know, I cannot control and enjoy my drink.

I cannot drink for a short period of time, but I'm not a happy camper.

And when I drank, I can't, I can't stop.

I just, I have no regulator on that whatsoever.

And I used to drive drunk all the time.

Finally got popped for a DUI.

They, they sentenced me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I come to AA July 27th, 1996.

That's my sobriety date.

I didn't want to get sober, stay sober.

But what happened is I started listening to you tell my story.

The facts and circumstances were all a little different, but it was the same story.

It was the same emotions.

It was the same crap.

And I, and I could hear it and I didn't like it.

I didn't like it.

And there were some older ladies at the meeting that I was going to that would tell me, you

know, just don't leave before the miracle.

I'm like, okay, I'm ready.

Give me the miracle.

I'm not taking any action.

I have a lot of activity, but not action.

Didn't understand the difference.

People were talking about 90 meetings in 90 days.

You know, meeting makers make it all of which is good practical advice about activity, but

it's not about the program of action in the big book.

There were people that were talking about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

They were talking about the program, which is a 12 steps.

They were talking about the big book, which is where you find that.

They were talking about finding a God or a higher power.

If you prefer the term of your understanding, which is the point of the exercise.

And they were talking about a sponsor, which is just a guide.

That takes you through the process, but I'm not an extra credit guy.

I'm not drinking.

Okay.

I'm I'm like, I, I don't want to get over sober.

I'm I'm waiting for the miracle, but I'm not taking any action.

And what happens to me is I go about a hundred days, start craving sober.

And I'm just, I'm out of my mind.

I'm going to the meetings.

I'm a jackass at home.

I'm a jackass at, at the, at work at meetings.

I come into meetings and the old timers are looking at me and they're going lamb, just

sit in the corner.

And for God's sakes, don't talk to any newcomers because they still have hope.

You know, it was, it was, it was bad.

And, uh, I'm a trial lawyer by trade.

So I got about a hundred days.

I go back and I'm in Pittsburgh.

I'm doing some depositions, getting ready for a trial.

I was supposed to be there all week, but I get done.

I'm done like Wednesday, Thursday, midday.

I come back to the hotel room.

I've got an honor bar, an honor bar.

I'm an alcoholic.

I'm a newcomer.

I have no honor, but they've given me this mini fridge.

I've got the key to it.

And it doesn't have everything I want and need in it, but it's a really good start.

You know, two by two by two there's bourbon, scotch, uh, vodka, no tequila, which was annoying,

but there's some good stuff in there.

And if, if you've ever seen the movie flight with Denzel Washington, those honor bars talk

to you.

I mean, it's talking to me.

I'm talking to it.

I want to drink.

I, I can taste it.

I want to drink and, and I'm, I I'm opening and shutting the honor bar.

I'm inventorying the honor bar.

I'm arranging the domestics, the imports.

I get nervous because I'm thinking I'm going to drink.

So I flip on the television.

I'm flipping back and forth between religious television and porno, religious television

and porno.

And, uh, you too, uh, Oscar.

Yeah.

And, and, and, and I'm getting confused as to who's doing what on what station, right?

Which is, but that's a personal problem.

And then, and, uh, one of the things that I love the big book, I love the 12 and 12,

but when I was new, my sponsor had me listen to a series of talks by a guy named Chuck

Chamberlain.

The old timers will know about this guy.

In 1975, he gave a series of talks down in Palo Mesa.

And, uh, it was at a retreat.

And when he passed away in the mid eighties, one of his sponsees had it transcribed and

they put it in a book.

It's called a new pair of glasses.

And in this book, it's that conference approved literature.

It's just one alcoholics, you know, process.

And he has one drawing, one simple drawing.

What, what Chuck does is he draws a circle and he puts all the people, plants, and animals

in the universe inside the circle of life.

And then he puts life, good God, whatever your concept of a higher power is all inside

the circle of life.

And then Chuck draws a stick man outside the circle of life, separate and apart.

And what keeps that person outside the circle of life is a thin line that he identifies

his ego or conscious separation from God.

The 11th step, we're trying to get conscious contact.

I'm a newcomer.

I've got conscious separation.

The 12 and 12 calls it anxious apartness.

It's a feeling of separation that every alcoholic I've ever talked to has.

It is the grand illusion.

It is the big delusion.

It's not true.

It's actually physically and spiritually impossible to be outside the circle of life.

And the better reality is there's not an edge to the circle.

But until I do the steps, I can't see that.

I'm just out of my mind.

But for whatever reason, I don't drink.

You can call it the dumb luck of the alcoholic.

Norm Alpe used to call it seconds and inches.

I believe it's the grace of God, but I would not have used that term back then.

I go downstairs.

I drive out to the airport.

I fly home.

I get up the next morning, and I've got a newcomer plan because I've had time to think

on the plane.

And my newcomer, I'm thinking it's a good plan.

Like I said, I was in the army for 13 and a half years.

I went through airborne school, ranger school.

I went over to Korea for a year.

They then sent me through special forces selection and assessment.

I served as a Green Beret for several years.

They picked me up to go to law school.

I went to law school at University of Southern California.

Went back to special operations command at Fort Bragg.

Wound up at the 82nd Airborne Division for a while.

My last job was as a JAG in the Pentagon.

My job was I was the intelligence oversight advisor for the United States Army, which

should concern you.

And when I got out in 1993, I'd had some stuff that I'd acquired.

I had a kit bag.

I had a go bag.

I had some weapons and some demo and 13 passports.

And these passports had my photograph, different names, different countries on them.

And I'd kept this stuff.

And in 1993, when I got out of the army, I didn't even turn it in.

I didn't even think about it as stealing.

I just thought this might come in handy one day, right?

And today's the day.

So I'm laying this stuff out.

My newcomer plan is this.

I'm going to take my blue tourist passport, my legitimate passport, the one that everybody

should have, that's got my name and my photograph on it.

And I'm going to fly to British Columbia.

It's important to leave the country on your name.

When I get to British Columbia, I'm going to start heading east.

I'm going to go to Europe for a week or two.

I'm going to start flipping passports, flipping identities, come back to British Columbia.

Steve Lamb will cease to exist.

Now, I got a wife.

I got a daughter.

But it's a career move.

So I don't really consult with them.

You know what I'm saying?

And then my plan is I'm going to head down to Costa Rica because I've got some former

army associates of mine that are doing some marketing and distribution down in Costa Rica.

That's my newcomer plan, right?

So I lay all this stuff out.

And the 13 passports I should have turned in in 1993, they're current.

They have not expired.

But my blue tourist passport has expired.

So I'm just beside myself.

I'm out of my mind.

Now, the bizarre thing is this.

I'm relatively well educated.

The army sent me to law school.

They sent me to get an LLM, a master of law.

It's right next to the University of Virginia.

I'm licensed to practice before the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

But that particular morning in the fall of 1996, I did not have the synaptic capacity.

I didn't have the brainpower to realize this is pre-911.

I could have flown to British Columbia on my driver's license.

I didn't need a passport.

But for some reason, I'm thinking I can't execute my seemingly brilliant plan.

So I didn't know what to do.

I went to a meeting.

I met a guy.

I met another guy.

I wound up getting assigned a sponsor.

And my sponsor, Michael, told me to get the big book and the 12 in 12, to read the first

chapter of the 12.

12 in 12 on the first step.

And to read the big book from the very beginning through the doctor's opinion.

To highlight it.

To make notes if I had questions or disagreed or agreed with certain things.

And that I was supposed to show up Monday night, 6 30, and we would go over it.

Fine.

So I do the homework, right?

And I show up at his house.

And he tells me a little bit about himself, asks me some questions about myself.

I tell him about my stupid plan, my newcomer plan.

And then he says, okay, get your big book out.

Open your big book.

I open it.

He says, okay, let's start reading.

I'm like, no, no, no.

I read it.

He goes, no, no, start reading.

I go, no, no, I read it.

He goes, no, start reading.

What we're going to do is I'm going to read a paragraph or two.

You're going to read a paragraph or two.

We're going to talk about it.

We're going to go through this, how we do this.

And I'm thinking, this is pathetic, you know?

But I don't want to embarrass him, right?

So I start this process.

And what happened was when we got to a prayer, we said the prayer.

And when we got to a step, we worked the step.

And it saved my life.

And I was absolutely convinced it would not work.

And if you're new and you're thinking it's not going to work, we don't really care what

you think, okay?

And I'm not trying to be mean or cruel.

I'm just saying, we're just assuming you have a bad thought pattern.

Because we all did.

I've never met anybody that's come up and looked at the 12 steps up on the wall and

gone, thank God.

I've been waiting my whole life for this.

Alex, will you take me through the steps?

No, we don't do that.

We look at that.

We're like, are you kidding me?

Really?

What does it have to do with my complex set of social issues?

I see that fourth and fifth step.

There's apparently some confession involved.

And then that's not bad enough.

There's eight and nine.

We're going to have to...

I understand there's rest...

I'm not stupid.

I know it's their money.

But I've been hanging on to it for a long time, okay?

And some of them don't even know I've got their money.

So I don't know how that's going to have anything to do with me getting sober.

And there's a lot of stuff about God in there.

That seems like over the top.

I mean, do we really need to do that?

None of this makes sense looking forward.

It only makes sense looking backwards after you've done it.

Because Alcoholics Anonymous is experiential.

You're going to have your experience.

It's not mine, not your sponsors, but your experience.

And I got that through working the steps.

And I got to tell you, I want to talk about some of the steps in particular.

Because I find we've got some new people.

And a lot of times there's some confusion.

People will think, for example, in the fourth step,

oh my God, that's just going to take forever.

A couple of things.

I'm not an authority in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wasn't appointed.

I wasn't anointed.

This is just this alcoholic talking about his experience.

Whatever you're doing, whatever your sponsors have and you do,

that's what you need to do.

But I got to tell you, it's really simple.

I'm kind of a wordsmith.

I'm an arguer.

I'm a pain in the butt.

So my sponsor took me to page 65 in the big book.

That's where the columns are.

And he said, look, you'll notice that they're not even complete sentences.

It's almost like bullet points.

You only need a few words for each of these columns.

We need the resentment.

Who you're resentful at.

Two or three words.

What is the cause?

Two or three words.

That's the second column.

The third column is how it affects you or what the condition is.

Is it self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, security, personal relations, sex relations?

Just get it down on paper.

And then he said, I want a fourth column.

There's not a fourth column in the book.

But if you look on page 67, it says, referring back to our list,

we're going to identify mistake, fault, and blame.

He said, it doesn't say my part.

You hear a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous say, fourth column, my part, my part, my part.

Perfectly good shorthand, but that's not what it says.

I don't want you to think of it that way because sometimes people think they have to have a part

or a mistake, fault, and blame in both the second column and the third column.

We always have it in the third column, not necessarily in the second column.

I have no idea what he's talking about.

I'm just trying to follow directions.

He gives me the instructions on the fear inventory, sexual misconduct inventory, turns

me loose.

So it should take me a couple weeks.

It took me five weeks, two or three weeks to think about it, and two or three weeks

to do it.

Because like the big book says, it's simple but not easy.

The simple is the black part, the instructions.

The not easy part is me and my ego, which tries to separate me from you and from God

and keep me from doing the work.

So I finally get the work done.

I show up at his house.

I'm going to do a fifth step.

And for the new people, I'm going to tell you the first person on my inventory, just

so you understand how simple this can be.

First column.

I'm resentful at two words, my father.

Second column.

The cause, two words, deserted me.

Now, like the book says, Michael's prepared for a long talk.

He asked me some questions.

I explained to him I'm four or five years old.

I'm living in Las Vegas, Nevada.

It's the early 60s.

My father's in the Air Force.

He goes to Vietnam.

He doesn't die there.

He just stays there for, I don't know, eight, 10, 12 years.

He does a couple tours in the Air Force.

He winds up joining an outfit called Air America.

He meets a Thai woman, Lien Thong, my stepmother, marries her, apparently before he divorces

my mom.

I've never met Lien Thong, and I've got a half-sister, Peck.

I've never met her either.

And I've hardly heard from my father for three decades.

Deserted me.

Third column.

What does it affect?

Everything.

Self-esteem, pocketbook, security, ambition, personal relations, sex relations.

I mean, other than that, things are going pretty good, you know?

And what's my mistake, fault, or blame?

I don't have any in relation to the cause.

I'm four or five.

I didn't cause him to go to Vietnam.

I didn't have anything to do with that.

What about the condition?

What defect of character do I have if God were to remove it, I would no longer have this

resentment?

Because like the book says, it's the number one offender.

And if you think that that's hyperbolic and just grandiose and people are just talking,

that's what I thought when I was new.

But these rooms are littered with empty chairs from people that had resentments that went

out and or died because they didn't resolve.

It's unbelievably fatal.

Because what we do is we take these resentments home.

We water them.

We nurture them.

I have a guy that I sponsored for a number of years that we just had a memorial service

because he could not get over a resentment.

And he had a lot of physical problems to include high blood pressure.

And it went.

It got him.

He got him.

He had a stroke.

He died.

You know, he was just grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding.

He wouldn't let it go.

Wouldn't make amends.

Wouldn't do it.

Couldn't do it.

I don't know.

So what defect of character do I have?

Am I selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest?

I don't think that really applies.

How about in the 12 in 12, it talks about the seven deadly sins.

Pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, sloth.

I was angry as a little kid.

I'm still pretty pissed off.

So I write down anger.

Fear.

I have a lot of fear.

What does the fear look like?

I loved my father.

And in my mind, that gave him a certain amount of power.

And he abused that.

And I can never let that happen again.

There has to be a wall of insulation between me and you and you and me because it's not safe.

So what I've done is I've constructed these barriers.

The part of the big book that talks about the actor, I love that because I was under

the misimpression that if you didn't really know who I was, you couldn't hurt me.

That's not true.

But that's how I'm operating.

You know, this false sense of security and self.

And what's happening is it's not good for marital relations,

relationship with friends, with anybody, but it's all I get.

It's fear-based.

It's totally fear-based.

And then finally, like it says on the bottom of 66 and on to 67,

I am unwilling to say the prayer to the sick man about my father.

I'm unwilling to view him as a child of God who could be spiritually sick like me.

I'm unwilling to forgive him.

So I read this to Michael and I'm getting ready to go on to the next person,

who coincidentally is mom.

And Michael stops me.

He says, look, I got some questions.

I want to make sure I understand this.

I'm like, all right.

He goes, you resentful at your father, right?

I said, yeah, because if I understand this correctly,

he deserted you.

You've got some residual anger, a lot of fear, and you do not want to forgive your father.

I'm like, yeah, that's right, Michael.

And I've read ahead.

I know there's a night step.

Never going to happen.

Not going to happen.

He laughed at me.

He goes, well, we're just doing five right now, but I got to tell you, we're going to get to that.

I do have one more question.

I'm like, well, what is that?

He said, well, if I understand you correctly, when you came to me, you had this newcomer plan.

You were going to go to Costa Rica, you had these passports, and you've got a wife,

you've got a daughter.

You didn't say you were going to desert him, but is there really a difference between what

you were planning on doing and what your father actually did?

My first thought was, this is not going the way I thought it was going to go at all.

And I put my head down and I muttered something like, well, I mean, if you look at it that way.

And if you're new, that's why in the fifth step, we admit to God,

to ourselves, and to another human being.

Because I can't see me for who I am.

I can't see that I've become my father, the one thing that I didn't want to become.

I need this person, this sponsor, to act as a mirror and reflect me back to me.

And it's not a habit.

It's a happy occasion.

You know, I'm not really thrilled about this.

I go through, I read the rest of the inventory, I do the fear inventory,

the sexual misconduct inventory.

I go home, I get quiet, I review what I've done.

I flip the page.

I got to do six and seven.

Six is a lot about a willingness.

Seven is a lot about humility.

Now I got to write this eight step list.

And what Michael wants me to do is, because he doesn't trust me, to list the proposed

amends.

So I get this done.

It takes me a few weeks.

I show up at his house and he says, okay, let me see the list.

He's like, he's looking at the list.

He goes, uh, your father's not on the list.

I'm like, yeah, that's right.

I mean, I just told you a couple of weeks ago.

It's not going to happen.

He goes, well, do you think you're any better than your father?

I said, no, Michael.

And thanks for pointing that out to me.

I really appreciate that.

And he goes, you know, a lot of times at the end of the meeting, we say this thing called

the Lord's Prayer.

There's a, there's a phrase in the Lord's Prayer goes like this, forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

What do you think that means?

I think it's a damn trick question.

That's, you know, cause it's a spiritual truth.

It's a maximum only forgiven to the extent that I forgive.

And the 11th step prayer on page 99 and the 12 and 12, it talks about it is through forgiving

that we're forgiven.

I, you know, I can agree with all that.

He's like, well, can you do it?

I'm like, hell no, I'm not doing no way.

He goes, well, the eighth step is a lot about willingness too.

Are you willing to pray for the willingness?

He says, yeah.

Okay.

Whatever.

He goes, okay, you pray, I'll pray.

But meantime, start making amends.

So I start paying back some of the money.

I'm acting better at work.

I'm trying to make, uh, you know, uh, prompt demands.

And by the way, when I was new prompt was like two or three weeks, that timeframe compresses

as you get more time.

I make amends to my wife.

I'm back in the big bed.

I don't quite have the crossover privileges that I think I deserve, but you know, things

are, things are going better, right?

I'm doing an active 10 step.

Uh, I'm, I'm working on the 11th step.

I'm trying to pray and meditate and get into this contact with this thing that I don't

really understand.

And, uh, uh, in 12, I'm trying to practice the principles and all my affairs and I'm

carrying the message.

I got guys that are coming to me.

I'm, I'm taking them through the steps or they're getting cakes or get, but I'm not

making amends to my father.

Not happening.

This goes on for a few years.

And, uh, I talked to my sponsor all the time and I, and I told him, I said, Michael, I'm,

I'm, I'm not going to make it to the Monday night.

My home group is there.

Most of each men's tag.

I won't be there this, this week because I'm going up to Anchorage, Alaska.

I'm doing some depositions.

I'm just letting him know what's going on, right?

He lights up like a Christmas tree goes, oh, that's great.

You'll make amends to your father.

I had forgotten that I told him my father lived in Wasilla, Alaska, which is like 30

miles outside of Anchorage.

So now I can see that my sponsor's connecting two unrelated dots.

So I'm, I'm like waving them off.

I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just going to do deposition.

It has nothing to do with my father.

He goes, no, no, no, no.

You've been praying.

I've been praying.

God's talking.

Can't you hear him?

I'm like, no, no, I'm not, I'm not, I don't, I don't get the memo at all.

He goes, look, you get quiet every morning, praying, meditate, talk to God.

So I go through this process every three, four, five days.

What comes to me is I should do this.

I should.

Okay.

So I go to Michael.

I said, all right, I'll do it.

What do I do?

He looks at me.

He goes, I don't know.

I'm not going up there.

Talk to God.

I'm like, I know you're killing me.

Right.

And so I call my father.

He says, he'll see me.

I fly up there.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have this feeling.

It'll be okay.

I walked through the airport.

I go through the terminal.

I see my father.

He's older than I remember.

You know, and I, and I, and I get up to him.

And one of the things that I, I hate it when I first got here, there was a lot of handholding,

hug, hug crap.

And by the way, it was for where I live, where I go to meetings, it was never the supermodels.

It was always the biker dudes with three days worth of stubble.

Come here, man.

I love you, man.

I'm like, no, I'm good.

I'm good.

Really?

No, I'm okay.

You know?

And I didn't like that physical contact for a long time because I didn't understand it.

It made me nervous.

But when I got up with my father, I just grabbed him and I hugged him and he buried his head

in my shoulder and he cried and I cried and forgiveness occurred.

And all I had to do was show up and get out of the way.

And if it doesn't make any sense to you, it's just because you haven't gone through the

process yet.

None of this stuff makes sense.

Looking forward.

It's always looking back.

You know, we pray for guidance and direction and, and I'm sure that there's maybe people

in here have had God talk to him.

I mean, I'm sure it happens, but that's not usually what happens.

What happens is we talk about a spiritual awakening.

We stay awake.

We stay alert.

We're at a meeting.

There's somebody that's talking.

I don't even like this guy.

He says the same damn thing every time.

I know that.

But if I pay attention, maybe the answer to my problem will be in what he says.

Or I'm at the grocery store and there's two kids arguing by the candy counter and mom

is telling them something and I got to pay attention.

I got to pay attention right here, right now.

That's what it's all about.

When we talk about a day at a time, we don't mean just a physical day.

We talk about being right here, right now and aware.

And one of the things that happens when you're new is after you go through this process,

you'll have this talk.

I'm afraid where you'll go outside and you'll realize, oh my God, the sun is shining.

I see the clouds.

I smell the air.

I remember I was driving.

I live by the ocean.

I drove by the ocean and it dawned on me.

People come here and go to vacation.

Who knew I've been here for over a decade because I don't see it.

I don't see it.

My perception is off.

And so we go through this process and healing occurs.

I go back and things get better with a wife.

Who knew?

Who knew there's a relationship with all this stuff that we cannot see until we're looking

back and I'm going through this process.

And I got to tell you, just so you understand the nature of it.

And so that there's no misconception about my level of spirituality.

I'm going to tell you about the huge resentment I had against my wife.

And now you're going to sit there and think this is stupid and shallow, but that's because

it didn't happen to you.

Okay.

What happened to me is I got two or three years sober, right?

And I'm a man of God.

I got, I'm taking guys through the steps and my wife does not appreciate all the hard work

that I've done for us.

She doesn't.

And I know this because what she does is she takes the trash and recycling every night

and she puts it on the stoop.

So yeah, I'm big and I'm in the big bed, but I'm clearly not restored to full husband status.

And I am pissed.

I take the trash recycling.

I put it in there.

I write inventory.

I talked to Michael about it.

I'm reading in the inventory and he, he stops and he goes, look, wait a minute.

Have you talked to your wife about this?

I'm like, well, no, I haven't.

He goes, well, don't you think maybe you should talk to her?

You might, you might have a misperception here.

And I looked at him.

I said, look, I've been married now for 35 years, a little time off for bad behavior,

but we're not going to go into that tonight.

And, uh, at the time had been over a decade.

And I told Michael with a straight face, I said, Michael, I've been married for over

a decade.

I know what my wife's thinking before she even thinks it.

He goes, really?

We call that mind reading.

It's a rather significant character defect, but if you're not willing to accept that and

look at that, then you're going to have to talk to God because you need to be getting

rid of this resentment.

You need to pray and meditate.

So I'm praying and meditating.

I'm asking for direction.

I'm picking up trash.

I'm just pissed.

And what comes to me after a few months is patience, tolerance, love, and understanding.

It's all over the big book.

People are talking about it in the meetings, but I can't hear it for a number of months.

This is one of the weird dynamics about Alcoholics Anonymous.

One of the things I've realized is I can be working with a guy and telling him about amends

or prayer or inventory or whatever it is for months.

He won't do it.

He won't do it.

And then we'll go to a meeting like tonight and some chucklehead like me will get up there

and talk about it.

We'll go out for pie or coffee and he'll go, you know, I heard that guy talking about,

I think I'm going to try that.

I'm thinking, oh man, I've been talking about this for six months.

Why does it happen that way?

I have no idea.

But it does.

It does.

We only hear it when we hear it.

That's why we repeat chapter five almost every meeting you go to because we're a little dense.

I'm not judging you.

I'm talking about me.

So, you know, I pray for patience, tolerance, love, and understanding, and I get it.

I got it.

I got the trash recycling.

I'm good.

I'm not writing inventory anymore.

I twitch every once in a while, but I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good.

And by the way, because I'm such a spiritual giant, I'm telling all the guys that I sponsor

what great work I've done working through this resentment because I want them to appreciate

the value of Alcoholics Anonymous, right?

This goes on for seven or eight years.

We get a dog, Zoe, golden retriever.

She just passed away a little while ago, but this dog was a great dog and I would take

her for a walk in the morning and she'd poop.

I'd put it in a bag.

I would throw it in the trash.

But on nights like tonight, she'd go in the backyard, she would poop and my wife would

put it in a bag.

But would she put it in the trash?

No.

She'd put it with the trash and recycling on the stoop.

So I'm a man of God, but now I got dog crap.

I got dog crap, Michael.

I got dog crap.

She's putting dog crap on the stoop.

I know what this means.

Have you talked to her about it?

No, I have not talked to her about it.

Well, you're going to have to talk to God.

You're going to have to pray.

And I pray.

Same thing.

Patience, tolerance, love, and I pray for it.

I got it.

Good.

I'm a man of God.

I got it.

No problem.

And I'm telling all the guys what great work I've done working through this resentment.

This goes on for another seven or eight years.

Several years ago, I go out the front door instead of the side door.

The side door is where the stoop is.

I go out the front door.

I do not get the trash recycling and poop.

I go to work.

It's a Monday.

My home group meets at Hermosa Beach, 830 to 10.

I get to work.

I realize I did not get the trash recycling.

It's my job.

I feel guilty.

And I know I got to make amends before I go to the meeting.

So I go home.

I'm having dinner with the wife and the girls.

I wait.

I say, Lynn.

My wife's name is Lynn.

Lynn, you probably noticed I did not get the trash recycling and poop this morning.

I went out the front door instead of the side door.

I know it's my job.

I apologize.

I'll do better next time.

She's like, what?

So I'm a man of God.

But you know, this is, you know, I want to get credit for this crap, right?

And so I like, but I've been taught to pause when agitated.

So I slowed down a little bit.

I said, baby, you know, the trash recycling and poop, you know, it's my job.

I've been doing it for over a decade and I forgot.

I didn't get it this morning.

I apologize.

I'll do better.

She's like, what are you talking about?

So now my head's like a rotisserie, right?

I'm just like, this is unbelievable.

So I slow down and I talk to her real slow.

And by the way, little hint guys, they love it when you talk to them real slow.

That just really impresses them, you know?

So I go through the whole thing again, real slow.

And she looks at me.

She gives me that look like you've been drinking, you know?

And she says, she says, Steve, you know, we, we got, uh, we got raccoons and possums out

by the trash and recycling.

We've even had coyotes that have come down from Palos Verdes.

They've taken some of the small dogs and cats.

And.

It's kind of creepy out there at night.

I don't go out there at night.

Cause it makes me nervous.

So I put the trash recycling and poop on the stoop every night.

I figure I'll get it in the morning or the girls will get it or you'll get it, but I

don't, I don't leave it there for you.

So now I realize I've had this resentment that I've worked at for, I don't know, 15,

16, 17 years.

It has no basis in fact whatsoever.

So I look at my wife cause I'm a spiritual giant.

I go, love you, babe.

I gotta go.

Cause I can't talk to her about this, right?

I'm going to go to the home group cause they'll, they'll have sympathy, right?

So I go to the home group.

I'm talking to Bill C, my sponsor, Michael.

I tell them they think it's hilarious.

They take me around.

They, they want, Hey, all the, all the new guys.

Hey lamb, tell them what you did.

Tell them what 17 years of sobriety looks like.

No, no, no.

Don't leave out that detail.

Tell them everything.

Tell them what you did.

And I'm thinking, oh my God.

And Michael's laughing at me.

He goes, lamb.

That's why we call it a delusion.

And he had told, I forgot.

He told me a long time ago that a lot of times you hear people get up at

podiums like this and talk about denial.

And it's not that alcoholics don't suffer from denial, but you're not going to find

that word in the big book or in the 12 and 12, uh, certainly not in the first 164 pages.

There's, there's now a story in the fourth edition called crossing the river denial,

but denial is really a treatment center or rehab term.

Uh, what it means is I know the truth, but I like the lie.

And I'm trying to convince you the lie.

You may or may not know the lie.

Delusion is you all know the truth.

I didn't get the memo.

I don't know.

I think it's real.

You know, I'm full of crap.

It's much more insidious.

It's much more dangerous.

Then denial.

And so he's laughing at me and he, and he goes, well, there's good news and bad news.

I'm like, well, what's the bad news?

He goes, well, the bad news is it never ends.

I'm like, okay, well, what's the good news?

Well, the good news is this is Alcoholics Anonymous.

There's not always, there's always something to do and there's somebody to do it with.

And if you're new, I hope you find that person tonight.

Cause I gotta tell you, I like to think of Alcoholics Anonymous as God's amusement park.

Bear with me for this.

Okay.

You're in the amusement park.

You've paid the price of admission.

It's a really steep price.

Nobody asked you if you wanted to pay.

You've got alcoholism.

So alcoholism reached up into your soul and you paid the price.

Now you can, you can leave the park anytime you want to, but there's no in and out privileges.

You'll have to pay another admission price.

And it may be too steep.

You may not be able to make it back in, but once you're in the park, you can do whatever

you want.

You can hang around.

You can walk through the park.

You can go to meetings like this in the park.

But you'll notice that there's in the park, there's, there's these 12 rides.

We call them the steps.

And there's, there's, there's men and women that are standing by.

These rides and they're like, come on, come on, take the ride.

You don't have to take the ride.

It's just a suggestion.

But if you take the ride with one of these men or women, they'll tell you when to throw

your hands up in the air and laugh and yell and holler.

And they'll also tell you when to duck and cover because you'll need to do that in both

instances when you take the steps.

And if you go through that process and you go through all those 12 rides, what you're

going to find is that what you're going to want to do is you're going to want to stay

in the park and you're going to hang out by the rides and you're going to want to encourage

other people to take the rides.

And if you're new, I really hope you take the ride.

Thanks for having me.