Finding Sobriety Through Tradition and Service

Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Sarah.

Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm an alcoholic. Can you see me out of the book? It's fine. I'll leave it.

I want to thank you guys for inviting me here. Alex was who contacted me, but thank you, Oscar.

And thank you everyone for the warm, very warm welcome. And I want to thank Terri Marie and

Cheryl for coming with me tonight. We went and had dinner and had a good laugh and

got to catch up a little bit and it's always really nice. So, oh, and I want to thank our

two 10-minute speakers as well. That was really great. It's always good for me to just, you know,

when I know I'm speaking and I tend to just get in my head and, you know, to just try to

pay attention to what's going on with, you know, listen to somebody else instead of

listening to what's going on up here. So, yeah, it's been a while since I've spoke at a meeting.

So I was really, you know, I feel really grateful to have been asked to speak here.

And I love this, you know, this is a real AA meeting, you know, people hang outside and smoke

cigarettes and, you know, it's a real, it's a real AA meeting. And I like that. You know, I find,

I got sober July 12th, 2009. So I just celebrated 10 years this year. Cheryl C is my sponsor. She

got sober in Pacific group and she just celebrated 44 years.

In January. So I guess almost 45. And yeah. And I originally got sober in the Bellflower Big Book

group. So I'm kind of, you know, in the, in the ties of the, you know, the very tradition, the

very, you know, heavily in the big book, heavily in the sponsorship and service. So, you know,

and I'm very grateful I have that foundation for my sobriety. Because, you know, luckily me,

sobriety has taken me all over the place and, you know, I haven't always been able to go to

Pacific group or Bellflower, those meetings, but I always carry that, you know, my sobriety. So, you

know, I have that foundation. So I guess I'll just start from the beginning. I grew up in Northern

California. I grew up in Lake Tahoe, just a small little town on the, on the North shore of the lake.

And you know, I grew up with my mom's admittedly herself an alcoholic. She's, she was sober in AA

for a while. Not so much anymore, but you know, we were both, I got sober about the same time. And

my dad is, you know, what we would call a normie. He could take alcohol or leave it,

but he was like a daily pot smoker. That was his thing of choice. And, you know, it was just

in one of those normal alcoholic homes, the fighting and the throwing furniture and the,

you know, the drama and the, you know, we weren't supervised. Both my parents worked full time. We

were latchkey kids. You know, it was just, that was just how it was. We had to wake up on time

and be responsible for ourselves and catch the bus to get to school, or we just didn't go to school.

... ditch the bus and water, you know. And I started working at a very young age. I was

probably about 14 when I started, you know, having to make money and, you know,

because I wanted to do things, and I had to have my own money, you know. So I guess that you could

say I just kind of grew up kind of quick or felt like I had to. But mostly I started drinking.

I was probably 14, I think the first time I started dabbling in it. And then I, you know,

I was kind of a troubled child. I was kind of starting to reach out for other people. I always

for other things before I started drinking, you know, because I was very uncomfortable

in my skin and I was one of those people who believed that, I remember having the thought

like, if I could just be me in your life, then like I would be okay.

And I'm like, what kid has that thought, you know?

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

I thought maybe if just my circumstances were different, then I would be a different person

or I would be okay, you know?

Um, but it turns out, you know, now I know that it was my perception.

Um, my circumstances were not all that bad and I closed on my back, two parents in a

home and I lived in this beautiful place, you know, that I grew up and all I could think

about was how, you know, horrible my life was.

Um, you know, perception.

I had a, I have a perception problem and I like, you know, the 10 minute speaker, I believe

I was born that way.

I was that way from the gate.

Um, I was always looking for something on the outside to fix me.

Um, and so.

So when I started drinking, you know, I kind of started dabbling a little bit and it was

just like a beer, a couple of beers.

And then the first time we set out to like get drunk, I blacked out.

Um, and I was 14 at the time.

And then from then on, I pretty much drank, you know, for the next year, just every chance

I got.

Weekends, parties, holidays, things like that.

Whenever I could get my hands on it.

And, you know, I had a lot of friends whose parents were like mine.

They were alcoholics.

It was always there, always there.

Um, and then usually, you know, young.

Girls didn't have a hard time going to the store and handing somebody 20 bucks and getting

a bottle or, you know, a case of beer.

So, um, I started smoking.

I started hanging out with, you know, older boys who could, you know, get us alcohol as

well.

So I was just, you know, I was just in that crowd.

Um, and, you know, at first it was fun.

It was partying.

It was, you know, it was high schools, whatever.

Um, but quickly I found out that I did not drink like other people.

Um, because the thing is.

For me is that when that hits my lips, I don't know when it's going to stop and I have no

control over how much I consume.

And so from the gate, I was a blackout drinker every time I drank.

So I was that girl who came to school on Monday.

Like, oh man, you know, like what did I do?

And what am I going to find out about myself today at school?

You know, um, I was that girl.

Um, you know, I tried to play sports and do well in school.

I was, I was bright and I had, you know, my future ahead of me.

I could have done anything I wanted to do, but I, I chose to drink.

Um, you know, I played basketball my freshman year and I was a 4.0 student and, um, it was

a 4.0 student, I think maybe into my sophomore year.

And then after that it was like tanking.

Um, and that was because I chose to, you know, start partying or maybe not chose, but I started

to drink more and more frequently.

I couldn't contain it to just going out and drinking on the weekends.

I was starting to ditch school, drink every night.

Um, and you know, I was hanging out with friends who liked to do the same thing.

So, um, and I was a young girl hanging out with, you know, men, basically not, you know,

boys even, but men who were 21 and older who could buy me alcohol.

Um, and then I started to get, you know, mixed up in some other substances and things like

that, um, which obviously I'm sure, you know, didn't, didn't help my situation.

Um, but you know, let's just say I progressed very quickly.

Um, by the time I was 19, I, um, I had tried to move out and, you know, go to community college.

My local community college, because that's where alcoholics like me go.

Um, I was about an hour from home.

I went to Reno, I went to Reno and I went to Truckee Meadows Community College.

Um, and I live with a good, a girlfriend of mine that I've been friends with since we

were eight years old and she was at the university.

Um, and I drank us right out of that apartment.

We had a choice to either pay to break our lease or be evicted.

So, you know, we all had to shovel up the dough and her parents did at the time and

break us out of that lease because I was drinking and driving in the complex parking lot and

I almost hit the door.

And I was like, I'm going to go to the parking lot.

I hit the property manager while driving, um, and it came out of a blackout and almost

hit someone.

And, um, then I crashed that car on the side of the 395 freeway and then I had to quit

my job and move back home with mom and dad.

So, 19 years old, I was a blackout drinker.

I didn't have a job, didn't really have very many friends anymore.

And, um, I was at what the book talks about, that jumping off place, you know, where I

couldn't imagine my life without alcohol.

But I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol.

I couldn't imagine going on, you know, living the way that I was living it anymore.

Um, and I had tried, I had tried some therapy.

I tried some antidepressants.

I had been talking to my doctor about all the things that were going on with me and

the way I was feeling about everything.

And of course she just now kept up in the antidepressants and saying, you can't drink

on this.

You can't drink on this.

You can't drink on this.

And guess what I did?

I drank, um, because that's what I always do.

Um, I don't know any other way to live, you know, um, alcohol was never my problem.

Um, alcohol is very much my solution.

Um, it was the only thing that allowed me to, you know, just breathe.

Um, it was a relief even knowing that I was going to be able to, um, you know, we're on

our way to the party.

There's enough there.

You know, if there's not enough there, I won't even start.

Like we got to secure the proper amount before I can even begin.

Um, that was the kind of alcoholic I was.

I was a very quickly from, you know, two bottles of wine to box of wine.

Um, I was a very quickly from, you know, two bottles of wine to box of wine.

I was a very quickly from, you know, two bottles of wine to box of wine.

I came up with the idea of taking the bag out of the box and just drinking straight from

the bag.

Um, yeah, I mean, I couldn't drink beer cause I got too fat.

So I switched to vodka and vodka tonic with lime was like the drink I ended on, you know,

and, um, usually mixed with some other stuff, you know, and, um, that was just at a very

young age.

I just, you know, took off.

So I was at that point where I just couldn't imagine my life without alcohol.

I didn't know what else to do.

I had been taken to a couple of AA.

I went to AA meetings when I was about 16 because I got arrested and it was court ordered.

I had to go.

And so I went to, I think one meeting and they talked about shooting up heroin and smoking

crack and I had not done those things.

So I could not relate, um, which is why I always try to share about alcoholism when

I share in a meeting of AA because that's our primary purpose here.

Um, you know, although I do relate to some other things, I, you know, my primary, my

primary thing has always been alcohol.

Um, and so I, at 19 years old, I attempted suicide.

I drank a bunch of alcohol and took every pill in the house and ended up in the ICU.

I came to and, you know, restraints, leather restraints and, um, tubes coming out of everywhere.

And it was not the first time I've had to have my stomach pumped and, um, not the first

time I've been in the hospital, but it was the first time that I had reached that point

where I was, I wanted to die.

Um, and yeah, and it was a legit.

You know, I wanted to die.

I wrote a note, fell asleep.

Thank God my parents found me, you know, um, and, uh, I, at that point, of course, you

know, they put you on the 72 hour hold and, um, I got shipped off to, to treatment inpatient

first and, um, turns out that therapy and acupuncture and massage were not the answer

to my problem.

Um, all those things are great.

Um, but they don't solve or cure alcoholism.

Um, unfortunately, right.

Cause wouldn't that be nice.

Um, but no, not for me.

Um, so yeah.

And I got, you know, I got ahold of some stuff in that treatment center, some pills or whatever

and, you know, um, lost whatever few days I had had in there and then had to restart

my time again when I got out.

And, um, I stayed sober for just shy of two years and, um, I had turned 21 in sobriety

and I started to doubt that I was an alcoholic.

I thought maybe I was just young and maybe now that I have a job and my own apartment,

like maybe I would be okay.

And so slowly but surely I started to back my way out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was the member of a very active group.

Um, I had a sponsor.

I had a sponsee.

I had a boyfriend who was also sober and I broke up with that boyfriend.

I stopped calling that sponsor or maybe I called her, but I leave her a message and

I never actually pursue being, you know, current with her or anyone else.

And, um, you know, and then I started to kind of just run away from that life that I had

built in.

AA, you know, and, um, I went home for the summer to, to stay with my parents and, um,

started hanging out with some friends from high school and they said, Hey, let's go see

this band.

They go play at this bar.

I'm like, yeah, sure.

You know, I'll go.

I'm 21 now and, um, I'll just drink, you know, water.

It'd be fine.

I just went to a meeting.

I'm good, you know, and I, there I was sitting at the bar ordering a double vodka tonic and

off I go again, you know, um, and just like old times crash my car.

Blackout wake up or come to, you know, where am I?

Where's my keys?

Where's my purse?

Where's my phone?

How do I get out of here?

And, um, you know, that's how I drink.

And, uh, the next day I drink a little bit, you know, I kind of drink beers throughout

the day just to kind of like get through and get over the hangover.

And that night we went to the store to buy another case of beer.

I hand my friend my, my, my $20, you know, and we're ever going to buy some alcohol and

go figure out where we can drink, go party.

And, um, you know, I'm like, I'm going to go to the bar.

Um, and I, uh, walked by my best friend's mom and she said, turned at me and she said,

Sarah, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

You know, I'm good.

Walk right by her and I get in line and it was like, I had that moment of clarity.

If I do this, if I continue and I go out and I drink and I get drunk again, where does

this end for me?

And the picture I saw was not pretty, um, because I'm not the, like, I'm, I'm not scared

of dying drunk.

I'm scared of living.

I'm scared of living every day that way for the rest of my life.

Um, in that bleak gray existence where everything is only the way I know it to be, which is,

is not a, is not a good way to live.

Um, and I, and I said, can I have my $20 back?

And I left and I went to a meeting the next morning and I can tell you that nothing has

ever stopped me from taking a drink.

Nothing.

Um, not being sick, not being poor, not being inconvenienced, not being, you know, nothing.

If, whether I was happy or I was sad, didn't matter.

Um, I always found a way to drink always.

Um, so I can tell you that that was not me that stopped me from taking a drink that night.

Um, and I know now that that was, that was God for me because, um, I got sober.

I went to a meeting the next day.

I, you know, called all the women that I knew and that's my sobriety date, July 12th, 2009.

Um, and, um, thank God, you know, I don't even want to imagine.

My life without AA today.

Um, for me, I have found another solution that it only works when I, when I, when I

do it, you know, um, I've done a lot in sobriety.

I've had a lot of ups and downs, um, a lot of challenges, a lot of great things.

Um, I went back to nursing school on sobriety.

I got married in sobriety.

I got divorced in sobriety, um, recently actually.

Um, but you know, I've, I love what I do.

I have a.

I have a three-year-old son who I get, you know, I get to be a mom to him and I don't

have to be, you know, I don't have to be that mom that I was scared of being and I don't

have to let that fear run my life, you know, because I've done an inventory.

I know what my, you know, what my character traits are, my character defects, and I know

what my kind of my patterns are, you know, um, and I get to, you know, have relationships

today with people that, you know, I've known Terry Marie for 10 years.

I've known Cheryl for almost just as long.

My sponsor has been.

My sponsor, my whole sobriety.

And I, you know, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Um, you know, and, um, I went through, you know, a lot with my family.

I was not on good terms with my parents.

Um, they had borrowed money from my dad's family and I was so like in a haze when it

all happened, but they told me about it later, obviously, because they now had borrowed a

significant amount of money from, you know, my dad's dad to pay for my treatment.

Um, cause my parents, you know, they didn't have it.

And they were just desperately trying to save their daughter, you know, and they took money

out of here and took money out of there and all of this stuff.

So a big part of my amends to my mom, especially my dad was like, no, forget about it.

I don't want the money.

And he's just that kind of guy.

But my mom was like, no, you better.

We got to square up, you know?

Um, so, uh, I had to sit down with her and it, it wasn't until later in sobriety that

I actually did make that financial amends because it started to become a problem for

us.

I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and

I had to look back again and do a little 10 step about what had happened because her

and I were starting to get at odds about financial things again.

And it was kind of coming up that I felt that she was resentful at me about money.

So, um, you know, so I sat down with her and I talked about to her about what she wanted

me to do.

I didn't come to her with my terms and I didn't, you know, come to it with any expectations.

I said, what do I do to make this right?

Because I feel like this is still affecting our relationship and I just wanted to clean

it, you know?

Um, and so I did, she told me what I could do and I did it and that's it, you know, we're

clean with that, you know?

And now I have the privilege of being able to like treat my parents, you know, I don't

expect them to ever lend me money or help me with, you know, pay for my dinner, none

of it.

I don't ever want their money.

And that is just that continuing amends that I try to make.

Um, like last month, my son turned three and I got us a little cabin up at El Capitan Canyon

in Santa Barbara for two nights and my treat, come with us, my treat.

Um, and those are the kinds of things that I get to do for them today.

And it's, it's really is, you know, a blessing and, um, of sobriety.

Um, cause you know, I was not holding down a job.

I was not even close to employable.

Um, my own dad wouldn't even employ me when I was, you know, when I was drinking and,

uh, doing my thing.

So, you know, it's, and I, I'm a nurse and I love what I do.

I legitimately love what I do.

I go to work and, you know, I just.

I mean, I'm actually, I like going to work, um, and it's a great feeling to know that,

you know, sobriety led me to that where I get to every day, you know, do what I love.

Um, you know, and obviously I've had some challenges in that career and nobody's perfect.

You know, the other day I made a mistake.

I mean, I've been a nurse for five years.

I made a mistake and I can tell you that normally I would have tried to cover it up.

And, um, cause that's, that's the, my first thought, how do I get out of like my manager

finding out about this?

You know, but you know what?

I just faced up to it.

I said, Hey, I just made this mistake.

I don't know what, you know, and I kind of looked back.

I had to try to explain to her what had happened.

She called me about it and it turned out that this patient was someone that we were trying

to like give excellent above, you know, care to.

And it was like, but I just was honest, you know, this is what happened and this is how

I will keep, you know, prevent it from happening again was the big part, um, which I find a

lot of the times is the huge part of amends.

I know what I've done.

But to understand how I keep from repeating it is the huge part of, of amends, um, for

me, um, because I'm one of those people that just, I'll just keep doing it over and over

again.

You know, my whole life, that's what I've done.

It's all I know how to do is just keep doing things the way I've been doing them.

But until I sit down and I do a thorough, you know, now I do a 10 step because I've

done my steps, um, I've done that fourth and fifth with my sponsor.

And, um, you know, now when I have something crop up, I do a 10 step with her, you know,

whether it's just a quickie over the phone, you know, I got this going on and what do

I do about it?

I'm not seeing what, you know, where I'm at with it.

Um, you know, and then I can kind of get some clarity, you know, on my part and where I'm

going wrong.

Cause you know, the book says if we have a, if we have a problem or an issue in any kind

of circumstance, it's us.

And that's a pretty hard, you know, hard pill to swallow is that in every circumstance,

there's a way to find, find my part.

Um, and a lot of the times it's me driven by, by fear, you know, um, and a lot of the

problems in my life have been self-created because I'm selfish and I'm self-centered

and I want to do what feels good now.

And I want what I want.

And I, um, you know, I try to use material things to, to fill that, that hole when I'm

not actively pursuing God.

Um, and I've gone through, you know, those ups and downs in sobriety where, you know,

in nursing school, I was pulling like 80 hour weeks and not.

I was not sleeping and I barely, you know, I made it to like two meetings a week and

it was just, you know, insanity.

And, um, you know, it was a, it was like one of those rough patches and it's weird how

it just kind of ripples out.

It's like every part of your life starts to be affected by me just running on my self

will and, you know, only thinking of me.

Um, and you know, I, like I said, I got married in sobriety.

I got married very young.

Um, I was, I was 22, 22.

I was like 22.

You're sober.

I had, you know, gotten back together with this boyfriend I was with before I went out

and drank and, and then we started dating right when I got sober again.

Um, and, um, yeah, I mean, we, we had one of those relationships that was like great,

but then it was like extremely the other, you know, it was very up and down.

Um, and a lot, you know, a lot, it happened and eventually towards the end, it was like

we had all this stuff.

We had the house and the car and beautiful.

Beautiful baby boy.

And we're both working, you know, working our butts off, trying to maintain this whole,

this whole life.

But on the inside, our, you know, our marriage is falling apart.

Um, you know, we were not both, I mean, we were in AA going to meetings, I mean, but,

you know, whether or not we were practicing those principles inside our home, um, and

in our lives, um, was the issue.

And so, you know, we went through a divorce over this last year.

We, you know, we were fine.

We finalized everything.

This year.

And, um, it's been a, you know, it's been a tough road.

Um, divorce is never something that I thought would happen to me.

Obviously, I don't think anyone plans on that happening.

And I, you know, I went through a period where I felt like it was against the traditions

that we learned in AA and I had a really hard time accepting that, you know, that, you know,

we're supposed to be forgiving and we're supposed to be loving and tolerant.

Right.

Um, but it turned out that regardless of those principles that I had to take care of myself

and take care of myself.

I had to take care of my son and, and do what my sponsor was directing me to do.

Um, and because towards the end, it was not a healthy situation for me to be in or my

son to be in.

So, um, you know, it was very hard to make that decision and it's still hard.

It's still hard.

It's still very, very hard.

Um, and I, it's definitely, I have to, you know, I am closer to God today than I have

ever, ever been because I have to be, because there's no way I could have stayed sober through

that.

There's no way.

Um, you know, when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm

like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm

I read my prayer meditation.

I read my third step in seven step prayer.

And I read the St. Francis of Assisi prayer, which helps me a lot when, you know, um,

because every day things we're raising a child together, I still am very much, you know,

involved with this person that I couldn't stay married to.

Um, and so, you know, I have to practice these principles in that relationship every single

day, every single day.

Um, you know, and I really had to take a hard, hard look at myself.

which is not always fun. But I feel like this pain and this suffering that has happened over

the last year has really forced me out of where I was, which is where I was just resting on my

laurels. And I had all this stuff on the outside to make it look like I was doing okay. And over

the last year, I've gotten closer with people that I've allowed myself to be vulnerable and

open and honest, which I realized that I probably wasn't doing my first eight years of sobriety. I

was never really honest about who I was. I was never vulnerable to the point that I let people

know what was going on with me. And that's a really painful, lonely place to be. And I realized

that I could not stay sober like that anymore, that I didn't want to. And now I work full time,

I work night shift.

And I'm like nurse by day, mommy by night. Or no, mommy by day, nurse by night. And I sleep for a few

hours here and there. But I make it to meetings. I make it to meetings no matter what. And I call

my sponsor no matter what. And I do my prayer and meditation no matter what. And even if sometimes

because I work nights and then I wake up at like 1230, I go get my son and every day is like so

crazy. Even if it's five o'clock at night,

I'm sitting down to have dinner with him. And I haven't done my prayer and meditation yet. I do it.

I do it then. Because for me, it's like it's never too late to just calm myself down,

stop the madness, and just connect with God for at least five minutes, you know.

Because I've, you know, I want to be that mom that my son deserves. I don't want to be that

crazy, neurotic, emotional wreck, you know. I want to have that emotional sobriety and maturity. I

want to show that to him.

You know, I didn't have that growing up, you know. And that's something that was such a big

deal for me when he was born. I wanted to show him what that was like to have a loving, connected

relationship with your mother, you know. And I wanted to show him what it was really like to,

you know, to be a kid. Let him be a kid, you know. And so we do a lot of fun stuff. Every chance I

get with him, it's just, you know, he does swim lessons twice a week. We go to the YMCA and we

play and we do all this. We travel. We go see my parents. We go see my brother in Portland.

We just went up to Monterey a couple months ago. I mean, as much as I can do to just make

his life, you know, just a beautiful thing. It's like, that's my biggest gift of sobriety right

there. You know, it's such a privilege to be able to come and speak at these meetings because it

reminds me, you know. I feel like I live out in Thousand Oaks and a lot of the meetings that I go

to are what people, we're talking about people complaining, you know. Complaining,

about their lives. And it's like, come on, you know. Look at where we came from. We forget,

you know. Especially when you've been sober a while. It's really easy to like look at someone

who's drunk in a meeting and be like, oh my God, you know, like what does this person do? But it

happens. Like people roll their eyes at alcoholics drunk in a meeting of AA, right? It's ridiculous,

but it happens. And, you know, it's my job to turn around to that newcomer and say, hey,

you know, I'm Sarah. How are you doing?

Here's my number. Call me, you know. And that's what I do when I go to a meeting. I have to get

out of myself because I am in this business all day long and it's not fun. And, you know, and

what a blessing because I've watched my sponsor of 10 years who is now almost 45 years sober.

She has been struggling with ALS for the last six years, amazingly enough. She is quite a trooper.

And, you know, I've been trying to get her to come to me. I've been trying to get her to come to me. I've been

trying to get her to come to me. I saw her go from the person that she was to the person that she is

now. And although her body is, you know, completely changed, she is more a God-centered and spiritual

person today than I have ever known her to be. And she has helped me tremendously through this.

When I would call her with my problems and all the stuff that he was doing, it was, Sarah,

you need to have a bigger God in your life.

Like, okay. Okay. You know, like, I guess I'll just work on that then, you know. And that was her

answer to everything. Sarah, you need to have a bigger God in your life. And so that's what I'm

trying to do. So when I don't want to speak at a meeting, I say yes. And when I don't want to,

you know, get up and say hi to that newcomer and give her my number, I say yes. When I don't want

to sponsor that woman who's the chronically relapser at my home group, I say yes. Because I,

don't forget, you know, I don't want to forget how bad it was and what it was like for me

out there. And I genuinely, no matter how hard life has been in sobriety, I wouldn't trade it.

I wouldn't. And, you know, when I, and I look forward to, you know, being able to pass that

message along, like the way my sponsor passed it on to me, you know. I did my fourth and fifth

with her and she's the only person on this planet that knows every single thing about me. And she's

only person I've ever known that has been able to say things the way I needed to hear them.

And she knows when to be soft and she knows when to be, you know, get it done, Sarah,

do what you gotta do. You know, and she hasn't really given, given me much direction or like

told me how to do things much, but she showed me, she showed me. And it's a real, you know,

I have many blessings in my life, but one of the biggest ones is that I've been sponsored by her

all this time. And that during this time in her life, I get to offer to be of service to her

because our relationship is not always about what she's giving to me and how she's helping me. It's

about me returning that favor to her now. And I have a lot of other women I can talk to and ask

for advice. And, you know, when it comes to my sponsor, I call her and I ask her, how are you

doing? I don't immediately dive into all my problems and my issues. How are you doing today?

Because she has done much more than that for me. And that's what, you know,

for me, that's how I just show her that I'm so grateful for everything she's done for me.

Um, so yeah, I mean, it's been, it's been an interesting year this year. Um, our Cheryl is,

um, a very, very special person and she's been a very, um, it's been hard watching her go through

the last year, especially we were just talking about that in the car. Um, but she's, you know,

she'd see Friday night, we're bringing this meeting and all these women come almost too many,

too many people come now. I'm kidding. Um, but you know,

she, she just, she just keeps doing it. She just keeps getting up in the morning. She keeps

praying to God. She keeps doing it no matter how much her body fails her, you know? And, um, she has

literally given up her, her will to God. And, um, it's, it's, it's heart wrench. It's, you know,

it's heart wrenching, but it's, it's an amazing thing to see. Um, and, um, so I'm pretty much

like I'm done guys. Um, so I want to thank you again for having me.

And, um, thank you all.