From Trauma to Sobriety: Barbra's Journey of Restoration

Now, I would like to introduce our main speaker Deborah T. I'm Barbra, an alcoholic, and thank you, Mariana and Alex, for asking me to speak tonight. I appreciate it. I guess I'm supposed to give my statistics.

My sobriety date is September 17th, 1980, and I was raised really old school. When I first came to AA, there was no being terribly nice to the newcomer. We were told to be here, but we were told to take the cotton out of our ears, stuff it in our mouth, and don't speak in a meeting for a year, which suited me just fine because I was terribly, terribly shy, and I didn't

want to talk to you anyway. But I had a weird road here, and my story, I can sum up is it promises us in the big book that we're going to be restored to sanity. I think I'm proof positive that if you didn't really have sanity, you can be restored there anyway, because I came in pretty screwed up. My parents were both alcoholics. I had an older brother. He was 10 years older than me. I was

10 years older than myself. And by the time I was born, I was kind of this menopause surprise

born on April Fool's Day. And they weren't expecting to have another child. And they were

both heavily into their alcoholism by then. And I was kind of a well-dressed foundling who,

and I learned to take care of myself and I didn't trust anyone. And I didn't tell you anything

about myself because the world was a really scary place for me. But I didn't want you to know that

that's the way I felt. So I conducted myself in a way that everything's okay. I was a just pretend

person from the get-go. And my brother, when he was still living at home, would help care for me

a little bit and teach me things. But when he left and he went to college, I panicked. I didn't have

anyone. And my father...

My mother was, once I got older, would sneak into my bedroom and sexually molest me and rape me.

And I felt unloved and worthless. So by the time my brother left, I decided I can't do this anymore.

And my mother also had a lot of pills. I stole her Miltown. This dates me. Nobody even knows

what Miltown is anymore. But I stole her Miltown. And I...

Cut my wrists and I took the Miltown. I thought, I'm just going to go to bed and I don't want to

wake up again. I didn't do my research because when you slow down your metabolism with Miltown,

you don't bleed out. So I screwed that up too. And I woke up in a neuropsychiatric center at

the University of Washington. I lived in Seattle at the time. And my... And it went to... In the

state of Washington, it's a felony to try and kill yourself. I think that's terribly unfair.

But I was taken away from my parents. And my brother, who had moved to California,

was willing to take custody of me. Now, this was in the 60s. And I came to California,

and I think I was 14 or 15. And he decided that he was into existentialism and that he would just

protect me while I kind of finished raising myself. So I got in...

involved with people at my high school. I went to Pali High, not because he was so terribly

successful that he had a mansion in the Palisades. He rented a guest house behind one of those

mansions. So I would, again, live this dual life of going down these stairs to this little guest

house. And that was my home. And then climbing up the stairs and seeing these beautiful mansions on

the street and going to Palisades High School with all these privileged people. And I just

tried to maintain, tried to maintain. And by the time I was there, I started to work.

I worked at Baskin Robbins in Brentwood, and I scooped ice cream. I had a really strong right

arm. And I bought a little Karmangia that could barely run for 50 bucks.

And I fiddled around town, but I always took care of myself. But I did get involved with

Students for a Democratic Society. I was clever. I did have that going for me.

I got involved with Students for a Democratic Society, and I'm probably on some subversive

list somewhere. I don't know. But I got involved with them, and we were really heavily into the

dope smoking. And I never wanted to be like my mother. I saw her drunk all the time. Sometimes

she would come home from school, and she'd be passed out in the yard. And I thought, I'll just

smoke dope. That's the answer. And that was my escape. And I was so good. I was very good with

my manual dexterity. I was the official SDS chapter joint roller for my group. And they were

nice, even burning joints. It worked out quite well. But I was so into it. It was so much pressure

trying to be...

Pretend I was normal. I started to add a little Kribari wine with my dope smoking and that sort

of thing. But I did work, and I did take care of myself. And I was stolen away from my job by

somebody that had a store in the Brentwood Country Market. And he was my boss. And he used to ask me

out and that sort of thing. And I went out with him a few times. And he was my boss. And he was

my brother. And my brother, when I graduated from high school, had told me, I think I've

fulfilled my responsibility. And I've been offered a job in Belgium. And so I was on my own

one more time. And my boss said he wanted to marry me. And I took him up on it. I married him. And it

was a really good choice, because he was an enabler. And he was...

He was so busy doing his own thing. I could get away with pretty much whatever I wanted. But then

the disease of alcoholism took over, took over, and took over. I never drank like a normal person.

I know nothing about normal drinking, because I started drinking alcoholically from the first

moment I took a drink. I know nothing about normal drinking whatsoever. And then I looked...

I didn't want to be that way. And when I married this husband, he had a family. And he was a

family. And I really always wanted a family. And I thought, okay, if I marry this guy, and I'm part

of a family, then I'm going to feel okay, and I can stop drinking and using. Well, these outside

plans don't normally work. And then I thought, okay, buy me a house in the valley, and we'll

have children. And then I'll be normal. And I went through this whole routine. And finally,

I went to... You probably don't even remember what a care unit is. But I went to a care unit,

I learned about my disease of alcoholism. And I started on this road of recovery. And I was very

lucky that my husband stuck with me over that period of time, because it was extremely difficult.

I'll always be grateful for that. Whenever I have a problem, I always try and study it to death,

and try and figure out how to fix it. So in addition to going to AA meetings for a year,

and keeping my mouth shut, and having really a dictatorial, tough sponsor who absolutely saved

my life, Old Grace, I wouldn't be alive if I hadn't had this tough, old fashioned sponsor.

I went to UCLA to... I was fascinated still with drugs and alcohol. And I decided the only safe

way to pursue this interest was to learn about it. So I went to...

UCLA Alcohol and Drug Studies. And I learned about it. And I was always very much a part of my AA

group. And I developed a relationship with my children. And I had another... I had a daughter

who has never seen me drunk. And I'm most appreciative of that. And I got my certification

through UCLA. And I...

started working for Jewish Family Service. And I did forget one thing. I went through the National

Council on Alcoholism in Van Nuys. And they're the ones that sent me to the care unit. And they're

the ones that helped me figure out how to stay sober. And it's a wonderful organization, because

it has all kinds of information about alcoholism, and recovery, and where to go. And they don't have

a bone to pick about anything that's going to come back to them. It's really a real organization.

And if you're looking for a bed to go to for recovery, they always are on top of it and can refer you to where you need to go.

So I decided I was very grateful to the NCADD and that I would help them, because they had helped me get started with my journey.

But this funny thing that AA does, if somebody gives us a gift, we're supposed to respond in kind,

and we're supposed to help. And so I offered to be of assistance to the NCADD.

and the more I helped them, the more I got from them. This is the trick that AA uses in all these

organizations. The more I helped them, the more I got from them, so I had to help them some more

and that was a really big part of my life and I also, my superhero of AA is Marty Mann, who's the

first woman to ever get sober in AA and I was obsessed with reading her biographies and things

and she came into Alcoholics Anonymous when I guess women were not, were supposed to be

too pristine and wonderful to drink and it wasn't really true and so when she came in,

they didn't know what to do with her, the first woman, because the men would go have a meeting

and then the women were Al-Anons and they tried putting her with the women and she didn't fit

and she was the first woman to break through into AA and I'm so grateful.

I'm so grateful to her for those efforts and she's the person that started the National Council

on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence and that's what a wonderful gift to society. Not only was she the

first woman, but she was a superstar. So after getting involved with them, I started working

for Jewish Family Service and I was very, very grateful. I'm not only a female, but I'm Jewish

and I, this spiritual stuff, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to do it, but I was supposed to do it.

But because I, religion and is it the right religion and da-da-da-da-da. And I, I was asked

by Jewish Family Service to help start an alcohol drug action program and the first part of my job

was to run around LA and talk to rabbis about the spirituality of Judaism and the spirituality

of the 12 steps. I didn't even feel like I was working. Talk about being able to,

to land in a pad of butter. It was an absolutely wonderful experience. And I, I helped set up some

programs for, there's another stigma. If you're, if you're Jewish, you're not supposed to be

a drunk and that's also baloney. So I would go up and I, I talk in all these temples and say

to these nice people, hi, I'm an alcoholic. And I had, I had a really interesting experience with

that. And when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I,

when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I,

one of the things that I definitely want to cover when I'm talking to you today is there are a couple

of things that I find keep me coming back. First of all, I really want to keep my program interesting,

not only show up at meetings and things and do my checklist, but I want to keep my program so

interesting that I'd have too much to lose by relapsing. I want to keep it that interesting.

So in 1991, I guess I was,

11 years sober then, they published the big book in Russian and they asked some of us to go over

and help start meetings. So I signed up to do that. They sent us to the Soviet Union. It's,

I know it's Russian now, but it was the Soviet Union. Then they sent us to the Soviet Union

in November. It was quite cold. And we were allowed one suitcase and we had all these big books

in Russian. And,

I'm a clothes horse. I really had a hard time packing the suitcase, big books, clothing,

that I did it. And I would do the right thing and took mostly big books. And it was one of the

highlights of my sobriety because I knew in my own niche here, what alcoholism was. And I knew

that I belonged and I knew that I was like you. But when I went over there, we had to have

translators and the culture was so different. And I knew that I was like you. And I knew that I was

like you. And I knew that I was like you. And I knew that I was like you. And I knew that I was

culture and the circumstances over there were more dramatically different than I had even

anticipated. And we would go to these meetings and we would bring big books in Russian. And a

lot of these people had gone to such trouble to stay sober that they had by hand translated the

big book from English to Russian and they were sharing it in meetings. So these big books that

we brought were really truly treasures. And it felt so exciting to do that. But it was also very,

very exciting because they were just like us, not in any cultural way, not even language wise.

But that thing that we have about how we feel and difficulty sometimes in coping with it,

we're all the same. It was so amazing. So we had these escorts from the government that were

escorting us around. And once we were in it, I was so excited about being able to share with people

that we were in Pushkin. And we had been taken by bus to Pushkin. And there were some people that

wanted us to stay and talk to us. And our escort said, no, no, no, you must leave now. And I don't

know if we were foolish or we're just alcoholics. We said, no, we want to stay and we want to talk

to these people. And they said, well, we can't be responsible for you if you stay here. And

the people at the meeting that could barely talk to us,

said, we'll take care of you. We'll take care of you. And I had been in a long enough that I knew

that was true. So either I was inspired or a fool. I don't know. But it worked out that they did take

care of us. And they took us on the Moscow subway and back to our hotel and escorted us the whole

way. And that also taught me not only,

do I go to my own groups with people I know that really care about me, but wherever I go,

if I need something or I'm just hurting and I need somebody to understand me,

I can walk into a room of Alcoholics Anonymous and there it is. And there it is.

So in other travels that I've done, I've counted on that. I'm geographically challenged. And

sometimes I'll find a meeting and I have no idea to get back to where I came from. But I'm,

I'm always okay when I'm with, with AA. It's kind of the family that I didn't have growing up.

And you've, I learned in AA how to grow up and how to be a responsible person. And I raised my

children using the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And still today, I, today I'm a

grandmother. And I watch my son who has children, raise his kids and use the 10th step with them.

I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah. And he doesn't even know that that's it. He doesn't know he was

raised with the 12 steps and it's being passed on yet to another generation. This works for

everything. When I came back, I was offered, when I came back from the Soviet Union, I was offered

a job at being the executive director of the Pasadena Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence.

And it was, it was a challenging, challenging,

challenging job. But when I got there, all these little God shot things happen. And I was going

through some of the records that were so sorely neglected. I found a letter from Marty Mann

congratulating the city of Pasadena, opening the, this chapter of the NCADD. And I was just

blown away. I, here I was, I was able to be in, be helpful to something that she, there was,

there was her signature. She knew all about it. It was very meaningful to me. And so that, that was,

that was a highlight of my life. And I did that for a long time. And then my friendships in AA,

the people in AA, when I first was asked to come here, I thought, okay, I'll look at the map and

I'll show up and that sort of thing. And somebody brings me and I still go back into that place of

nobody loves me. And I still go back into that place of nobody loves me. And I still go back into

nobody cares. I think I'll eat a pile of worms if I'm really in a bad place. But I, it's always

the people in AA that dispel that. And it's really wonderful for me. I've been able to share all

kinds of things I'm so terribly ashamed of in AA. I have been to women's meetings and I, because of

my experiences with my father, I felt dirty and ruined and like damaged goods. And I remember

when I was testing myself, trying to, trying to convey my experiences to a group of people and

see how they'd react. I was in a fairly large women's meeting and I brought it up. I said,

this is what happened to me. And I said that, and this quiet room of women, maybe a third of the

women in the room, I couldn't believe the number of women in the room, about a third of them raised

their hands. And it was as if,

I had been washed with warmth. It was very, very touching to me. I knew that I was okay. I wasn't

spoiled goods, ruined goods. And now my family, I have this, I have a normal family. Who knew?

I, my sons were three and four when I got sober. And my oldest son still remembers,

uh, some of my drinking. And when he went to, uh, college for the first time, he was taking a,

uh, music appreciation course. And apparently the, uh, professor that was teaching the course

had been raised by an alcoholic parent. So he was saying, this reminds me of, and, and he was

talking about all these horrible experiences he had with his alcoholic mother. And my son came

home and he, uh, he said, you know, I remember that robe you used to wear. And I said, well,

I remember that robe you used to wear and the smell and this and that. And, uh, I had enough

sobriety under my belt at that time, thank God, to let him, my, it was my amends to him to allow

him, uh, to have me sit calmly and listen to the recollections that he had as a, uh, young child.

And, uh, he said, but mom, I'm proud of you and I love you. And, uh, then I got on the phone and

talked to my sponsor and went,

cried, but I didn't do it with him. I didn't do it with him. And, uh, my, my brother, I've

lost contact with, I think that being, uh, being with me when I was going through my horrendous

time, that he was responsible for me, it was too much for him. And he, uh, he disappeared

and I've done internet searches and things, but I'm assuming that God,

uh, is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself and that my family of origin is just not supposed

to be a part of my life. But I've been giving this beautiful, beautiful family that, uh, is a

family that I've been able to create with this husband that wanted to take care of me that I

married. And it's amazing. I mean, we love each other. It's became a good relationship, but it's

not because I made a good decision. It's because God was looking out for me. And, uh,

I'm most appreciative of that. And now I, uh, I have these beautiful grandchildren and one, if I,

if I look at my life and I'm in my seventies, so I look at my life and I, I think the greatest,

if I I'm at the pearly gates or something, which I'm not planning to do for a long time because I

have other stuff to do. But when that indeed happens, uh, the greatest accomplishment of my

life will be to, uh,

broken that chain. And it's not my accomplishment. It's our accomplishment. It's the accomplishment

of AA and my God. And I see my little grandchildren run up to me and see their family. It doesn't even

occur to them that they're not totally loved or they're not going to be okay. And they're not

going to be taken care of. And, uh, that just fills my heart with so much joy. I can barely

stand it because, uh, to get from there to, you know, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to,

to hear is something that isn't humanly possible. It's only something that is possible through, uh,

through God and Alcoholics Anonymous. And my friend Annie was telling me to tell these funny

stories of what I did. And I guess I'm not, I'm not really in a funny mood, but I do have some

funny stories and I do believe that we're supposed to laugh at least once a day, but I really care

about not how I look as a speaker so much, but I really care about how I look as a speaker. And I

want people to know that this stuff really, really works. It's powerful stuff if you just

do it. And, uh, I, the most profound words I think in the, in the big book are God couldn't

would if he were sought. And I'm, I'm a skeptic. Uh, I'm cautious. And I didn't know when I came

in, you people seemed all pretty weird. Uh, I didn't know if that was going to be true, but

God couldn't would if he were sought. And I'm, I'm a skeptic. I'm cautious. And I didn't know

if that was going to be true, but God couldn't would if he were sought. It really, really is true.

And if they can do it for somebody like me, that was totally screwed up. I couldn't, there was no

place to even restore me to. I was just a mess. If that could happen with me, it can happen with

anybody. And I was not a happy camper when I came in these rooms, but the disease of, uh, alcoholism

isn't contagious, but, uh, the recovery is. So if you can just hang out and stay with God,

with it, even if, uh, it seems a little odd. I mean, it's quite something to be told that we have

a disease. If I have a disease, give me a pill, do surgery, do something. But it's quite odd to be

told that you have a disease. So go hang out with these other sick people. What kind of a,

what kind of a solution is that? But it works. It really works. And it is contagious. And I can call,

I have normie friends and I have,

regular friends and with my normie friends, I mean, they're wonderful people, but when I call

them, I have to say, hello, how are you? And do this little polite thing. But with my AA friends,

I can just call and I can say, oh, this is what's happening. Blah, blah, blah. I need to talk.

Um, I have a whole group of people that I can be myself with. And when I, I, the last time I spoke,

it was at a Palisades meeting and I felt everyone was just so put together. I,

I,

I was trying to, I, I'm being more myself for this meeting. I feel very comfortable here. It's

really nice. Cause you seem like regular people. Uh, so, uh, so that's, I was, I just told you that

I was a terrible mess and it felt just fine. But, um, the real challenge isn't necessarily the big

stuff. Definitely during the big stuff, the big accomplishments,

the joy has been greater because I share it all with you. And certainly I've had, uh, tragedies

happen in my life and challenges happen in my life. And if I'm willing, people will help me and

get me through it. But quite honestly, the most difficult part of my sobriety has been just living

in this weird world. This weird world feels kind of like a crapshoot. Even if I have it together

and I'm doing the things that I need to do, I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be

able to do what I need to do. Um, I, there are shootings, there are babies that are born that

don't deserve to have problems. And they have, I mean, the world is not a fair place. And I was

told when I first got sober that, uh, one of the biggest errors that I could make as an alcoholic

is to get sober and expect the world to be fair. I don't like that. And I don't like hearing about

all of these things. And I worry about my children. I worry about my grandchildren. I just

don't like it. But when I was working in social services,

I had on my desk, uh, something that helped me, um, not worry about the unfairness of the world.

And it's a, uh, something that was written on the wall of a cellar in Cologne, Germany,

where the Jews were hiding from the Nazis. And, uh, it says, I believe in the sun when it is not

shining. I believe in love, even when feeling it not. And I believe in God,

even when feeling it not. And I believe in God, even when feeling it not. And I believe in God,

when he is silent. And on those days where I think, oh God, what is happening? And I can't

make sense of the world. I breathe and I say that to myself and I keep on keeping on. And that's the

other thing that I've adopted for this, uh, those lights are never going to light up.

But that's the other thing that I've adopted, um, for in my, uh, sobriety is just,

to keep on, I have the, I don't know if any of you remember the song of keep on keeping on.

And, uh, sometimes things don't make sense, but I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to give

up because it would be an insult to the legacy of all the people that came to help me. It would be

an insult to Alcoholics Anonymous and it would be an insult to my family and to my friends. So I

do keep on keeping on. Absolutely.

Um, the stigma of alcoholism is another thing that I've seen change over the years. Uh, when I

first got sober, women are, were not supposed to be alcoholics. And if you look at movies and things,

you'll see that, uh, often it's the man they'll make the man is funny if he's a drunk, but women

are not funny if they're drunks. And, uh, I, the stigma is, is much less now. And I like to be able

to, uh, to offer.

That to people that to other women, it's you're okay. You're okay. And, um, I'm now retired from

all those social, social service things. And for somebody that was terribly, terribly afraid to,

uh, be with myself, I become this super meditator person. I love to meditate and I love to be with

my God who I didn't even acknowledge existed in any point in time.

And meditation,

meditation has saved my life. Meditation has absolutely saved my life. And I'm always led

where I need to go when I originally just used meditation for myself. And then when people would

be having surgeries or problems and they would ask me to come and meditate with them, I would do that

because they were my friends. And rather than saying, Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so

sorry for your grief. I felt like I was doing something. So I would meditate with my friends

and, uh,

once I retired, I took all these meditation courses to get closer to a God that I was angry

with at one time. And it's been a fabulous experience. And I now, um, am a meditation

teacher and I teach meditation just part-time as my, uh, old lady job. And I, I'm, I'm enjoying

it immensely because it's the only thing that makes sense to me after my life has been gone.

My life experience is not only learning things, but, uh, most precious experience of all is to be

able to help somebody make a difference in somebody's life. And I think part of, part of

the legacy of AA for me has been, I need to know if I get up in the morning that there's a purpose,

that there's a reason that I have something to offer. And from this worthless child that nobody

wanted to take care of, or nobody wanted,

uh, to be around, uh, people want me around now. Um, I'll never forget when I, my grandchildren

were born and my daughter-in-law had to go back to, uh, to work. I would go down to, uh,

to Torrance twice a week to take care of these babies. And I remember one day leaving my grand,

my, um, daughter-in-law was leaving and I was taking care of the grandkids and my grandson had,

a little bit of a fever. And she said, I really feel safe knowing that you're with them because

I know that if you're with them, they're going to be okay. Um, I'm a drunk, but, uh, I'm a sober

drunk and, uh, they were okay with me. And, uh, it's been an incredible, incredible gift. So, um,

I'm done. Thank you.