Finding Acceptance Through AA: Doug's Journey

Hi, everybody. My name's Doug Rowell. I'm a grateful alcoholic. And I'm grateful, grateful to be an alcoholic and grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And the reason I say that is because I remember the first time that I heard somebody say I'm a grateful alcoholic, I missed what they said for the next 10 minutes because I was figuring it out, because I'm a figure-outer.

I don't know if we got any other figure-outers in here, but I thought it sounds like the guy means he's like he's happy to be an alcoholic, like, you know, he's like, hey, thanks for the terminal illness.

But I'm smart enough that I can figure it out that he probably means he's an alcoholic who's incidentally grateful that he got his driver's license back.

Or his boss said, OK, Billy, we're going to give you one more chance.

You know, don't screw it up this time.

Or or his wife said, all right, you're doing pretty good.

You can sleep in the big bed tonight.

You know, don't get any ideas, you know, because he couldn't mean he couldn't mean I'm grateful to be an alcoholic.

What the hell kind of that?

That's stupid.

Yeah. So if you're new and you're wondering what I mean by I'm grateful to be an alcoholic, I'm grateful to be an alcoholic, grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Because, well, for one thing, if I'm not an alcoholic, what the hell is wrong with me?

You know what I mean?

I don't fire quite right.

And, you know, it's good to have a name to put on it, you know, and people with.

But I knew I was an alcoholic.

I didn't. Some people come here and they find out if they're an alcoholic.

You know, some people like, you know, get up and say, I think I'll go over that AA meeting and find out if I'm an alcoholic.

Because I knew long before I ever came to AA that I was an alcoholic and it was real handy.

Because people say, Jesus, Doug, why do you drink so much?

I'm an alcoholic.

Well, he knows, you know, he has awareness of his disease.

I mean, giving an alcoholic awareness is like giving a baby a razor blade.

You know, it's it has some use in the right hands.

But awareness of my alcoholism really didn't help me much.

So anyway, I want to thank I think Elizabeth invited me here.

Is Elizabeth here?

Yeah. No.

OK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It happens a lot.

A lot of times people will invite me and then they just don't show.

They're like, I don't know if this guy's any good or not, but I'm not taking chances.

I got family.

It's Christmas.

You know, I got stuff, places to be.

So I don't know why.

I don't know why I'm an alcoholic.

I don't come from an alcoholic family.

My dad was the kind of guy who would Saturday be maybe watching a football game or working on his car or

working in the yard and then he stopped and have a beer, then he would go back to what he was doing, which, which is fascinates me, you know, I mean, that's not the way I advice that whatever I'm doing, if I stop and have a beer, that's what I'm doing now and whatever I was doing before couldn't have been very important or why would I stop and have a beer, you know what I mean?

So my mother may have been an alcoholic.

We don't know.

We could ever could tell because because she wouldn't drink, you know, I mean, it's very hard to diagnose a case of alcoholism.

If somebody won't swallow any goddamn alcohol, you know, and so, but we would, I would watch her, you know, to see, I mean, after I was sober about three years, I finally had to just come out with a two of us were sitting alone in her kitchen and I said, Mom, why don't you drink?

And it caught her off guard, you know, she's like, why don't I drink?

So, yeah, why don't you drink?

Why don't you ever drink?

Why, why do you, why are you asking me?

Well, I mean, are you an alcoholic?

And she, that really caught her off guard.

She was like, am I an alcoholic?

Look, there's two of us in this room.

Alcoholic, not an alcoholic.

What, what is, why are you asking me this?

I said, okay, I was hoping to spare you this, but there is such a thing as a genetic predisposition.

You may be your fault.

I'm a drunk.

So, there you go.

She, oh, my fault.

Oh, my gosh.

If only I had known, you know, am I an alcoholic?

Have you ever seen me take a drink of alcohol in my life, in your life?

I said, no, I haven't.

But I know hundreds of alcoholics.

I don't drink.

I mean, so what's your deal?

And she said, I don't know.

When I was, when I was young, my friends drank and I would drink with them.

And every time I drank, I got sick, stupid, and obnoxious.

So, I'd stop and I said, you got to drink through that, mom.

You know, yeah, I'm preaching to the choir here.

I mean, you guys, you guys know what I'm talking about.

The promised land lies beyond sick, stupid, and obnoxious.

So, I don't know why I'm an alcoholic.

And I didn't start too young.

Like, some people in here have heard my wife, Carla, speak.

You know, she started drinking when she was like nine years old.

Well, hell, no wonder she's an alcoholic.

And I'm sure there's people in this room that started early.

I never had a drink until I was 18.

And I didn't even care about it.

Like I said, there was no drinking to speak of in my family, you know.

My dad would have a beer and stop and, you know, mom didn't drink at all.

And so, there was just, there was nothing.

The guys I knew in high school that drank.

Did not make it look attractive.

So, what happened was my friend Morris, who was, you could, I guess he was like my sexual sponsor, you know.

And Morris said, I was going out with this girl and Morris said,

if you want to get a home run with this girl, you're going to have to get her drunk.

And because we used to use his baseball terms.

I don't know if anybody in here ever, I know, no, I said, there's just some people in here that are long in the tooth like me.

You know, they didn't, I don't think, I don't know young people.

And play that baseball game.

But we used to have like, there was a first base and a second base and a third base.

And then, of course, a home run.

And I don't even remember where the bases are now, you know.

It doesn't matter.

There's not enough bases anyway.

And plus, you know, I'm like, I'm married.

I mean, you know, step up to the plate and slide home.

But, but, but at the time, that home run thing was very attractive.

And Morris said, so I went.

I grew up in Garden Grove.

So I went and stole it.

It seemed to me that Rainier Ale was the national beverage of Garden Grove.

That's what all the guys in high school drank was like quarts of Rainier Ale, you know.

And so I went and stole a quart of Rainier Ale.

There was a liquor store up on Garden Grove Boulevard.

And I could run in the back.

And I grabbed a bottle of that and ran out the back door and got away with it.

And so when this girl and I went and parked by the railroad tracks the next time, now I got my bottle.

You know, I got my ammunition.

And I reached under the seat.

And I pulled out this quart of Rainier and cracked the top on it.

And I had a pull.

And it tasted like carbonated dishwater.

And I handed it to her.

And she took the pull.

And so, and handed it back.

And so we just passed this bottle back and forth.

It took us about maybe five minutes at the most.

And I got a buzz.

And it started coming on slow.

And then I was like, well, I like this.

This is good.

You know, I like this.

And so, and it turned out this was the first time.

Morris was right.

This is the first time I ever had an alcohol buzz.

And also.

This was also the first time I ever had sex in front of a witness.

So, so I was like, yeah, I'm going to do, I'm going to do this, both of these things.

Much as I can the rest of my life.

You know, like we talk about commitment in AA.

That's a commitment.

I was like, yeah, okay, I'm in.

And, and so, you know, I just, that's how I started drinking.

And, and I don't think I drank alcoholically from the gate.

For one thing, I was only 18 years old.

I couldn't legally buy it.

And I had started playing guitar in, when I was in high school.

And at that time I was in the early sixties, people talk about the sixties when you, people say the sixties, they're really not talking about the sixties.

They're talking about 65 to 75, you know, that's, uh, because in, in 1962, that was happy days.

You know what I'm saying?

You know, the only cool thing in, in 1962 was the Fonz and, um, and then in 64, the Beatles came to town and that changed everything.

So I graduated in 63, right in the middle.

And, um.

So, uh, but I had started playing guitar and that's when the, the music that was on the radio was mostly like the Kingston Trio and Peter, Paul and Mary.

And then, you know, and then you get into the folk music and find out about Pete Seeger and Woody Guthrie and Lead Belly and all these old, old guys.

And it was really cool.

Then Bob Dylan and, and, uh, uh, you know, that new generation of old folk singers.

And I, I tried to get into doing that.

And, and then, uh, the Beatles hit and it was, uh, the English and the British invasion and, and rock.

And, and, uh, I started playing rock and roll and, and, uh, hate Ashbury and all that.

And, and so I kind of slid into that.

I got an electric guitar and I started playing in bands.

And, and, uh, at one point I thought I better move up to Hollywood.

I was living in Orange County and I thought, and I was working in bars.

I was under 21, but I was working in bars, um, you know, singing and playing guitar and bass.

And, and I moved up to Hollywood.

I had a friend that lived up there and he was a musician.

And so I moved in with him and this other guy.

We were all three musicians living in Laurel.

Canyon was a great place to live in like a 19, in the early sixties or the late sixties, 68, 69.

And I got in a band called the Rock Wall and we were playing clubs up and down Sunset Boulevard.

It's a great job, you know, um, and, uh, people want to always want to buy you drinks and stuff, you know, and girls want to go home with you.

It was fun.

Um, and, uh, and, but what happened was there was a musical that came to town.

And, um, is it, I like Broadway musicals.

I mean, I, you know, I was up.

Uh, in Sunset Boulevard playing rock and roll and, uh, you know, and Motown stuff and some country stuff.

And, and, uh, we, you know, we like doing all that, but I just have a soft spot in my, my heart for Broadway musicals.

There's something about the music man and the flower drum song and, and, uh, uh, Oklahoma, you know, where, where, uh, a couple of walking down the street and, and you can see they're starting to fall in love and they touch and you can almost feel the spark from the audience.

And, and one of them starts to sing to the other one and the other one sings.

Back and they're singing a duet and then everybody in town comes out and they dance all up and down the streets.

You know, that's it.

See, that's the way I think life should be.

So, uh, so there was a musical that came to town, a new musical called hair.

And it was, uh, that that's, that's everything I love Broadway musical and, uh, smoking dope and getting naked and, you know, and the hell no, we won't go.

And it was like, oh my God, I went to see this show and I fell in love.

Yeah.

I remember that there was a character named Burger who stripped down to a loincloth and insulted the audience and swung on a rope and screamed rock and roll.

And I thought, I could do that.

And, uh, so the, I called the Aquarius Theater the next day and, uh, the receptionist said, Aquarius Theater, may I help you?

I said, yeah, I want to be in your show.

And, uh, today this, this could happen today.

If, if you did what I did today, they would say something like, who is your agent?

Uh, please have your representative call us.

And maybe we can make an appointment.

This is 1969.

And, uh, and they were hiring people off the street.

If you could sing and dance.

So she said, I said, I want to be in your show.

She said, just a minute, I'll connect you.

And so she connected me to the company manager.

He said, can I help you?

I said, I want to be in your show.

He said, you do, huh?

Can you sing and dance?

That's what I do, man.

I said, I'm a, I sing and dance.

And I never danced a step in my life.

You know, I'm up on the stage playing.

I could sing and I thought maybe I can sing good enough that they don't care if I can dance.

Also, I'm, I'm watching you dance.

Good dancing, bad dancing.

I mean, how hard could it be?

So, um, the guy said, well, okay.

I said, yeah, that's how I pay my rent, man.

I sing and dance.

Yeah, you betcha.

And, uh, so he said, uh, what are you doing Friday at one o'clock?

I said, you tell me.

He said, uh, we're having auditions Friday at one o'clock.

What's your name?

I told him my name.

I gave him my phone number.

And he said, uh, come down, down to the Aquarius at one o'clock on Friday.

Bring a piece of sheet music you like to sing.

And we'll give you a, give you a run.

So like, I haven't been on the phone five minutes and I'll, I got an audition in a couple of days.

This is a Wednesday morning or Wednesday afternoon.

I went right down to Wallach's Music City on Sunset, went through all their sheet music.

I found a song that, that I sang at night when the club I was working in was a fun song for me to sing.

And so I, uh, I went, I went home and I practiced it.

And then when I got to the, to the club that night, I said, hey, let me sing this song a couple of times tonight.

I got to practice.

I got an audition on Friday.

So I did.

And then Thursday I did the same thing.

And then Friday morning I got my guitar out.

I'm practicing this song.

I'm going to, you know, get it so, so, so it's tight, you know, tight.

And, uh, I broke a string on the guitar and, uh, it's, um, it's hard to explain now.

In 1969, like hippies were like, oh, bad karma, dude.

You know, so, um, so, uh, I went into my roommate's room to see if he had the string that I broke and, and right in the middle, his dresser was a mess.

But right in the middle of it was a little clean spot with a white envelope said G string.

And it's like G string, good karma, dude.

So, uh, but underneath the envelope was a little white capsule.

And I said, I wonder what that is.

Oh, cause, um, we didn't have a PDR.

You know, you pretty much had to swallow test everything.

It's a good test.

Uh, it's, it's a very effective test.

Forget about heavy machinery and automotive, whatever.

If you eat it, you're going to know precisely what it does.

And this turned out to be THC.

Synthetic marijuana.

And it's a nice buzz.

And, uh, so I, I got, I about, so I went down and, uh, put away my stuff and put the string back on my guitar, practicing more, a couple more times, went down, fired up my Harley.

I went down Laurel Canyon onto Sunset Boulevard and down to the Aquarius.

It's about four miles.

And it was like, whoa, whoa.

And, uh, got down to the Aquarius and put the kickstand down.

I, it seemed like it took me about three minutes to swing my leg.

And I knew what cool was.

Nobody ever accused me of being cool.

I knew what cool looked like.

And I knew what cool was.

Man, that guy's cool.

Yeah, he is.

He's cool.

You're not.

And, uh, um, but I was cool that day.

And, uh, I sort of floated up the stairs at the Aquarius Theater.

I got my, and my hair was real long over my shoulders.

And, and I had, uh, I had these hip hugger bell bottoms on, you know, they were like, like Paisley print and bells about that big.

And so when you walk, they go.

And no shirt on.

I just, I was wearing this vest with six layers of foot long, red, white, and blue leather fringe.

You know what I'm saying?

Like I'm a walking wind chime.

And, uh, so I floated up the stairs at the Aquarius and it was, and they had already started the audition though.

I'm, I'm standing at the top of the auditorium, watching them audition down on the stage.

And, and, uh, I almost forgot why I was there.

I'm thinking, God damn, these hippies can sing and dance, man.

And somebody said, Doug Rowell is Doug Rowell here.

And I said, I said, yeah, yeah.

I went running down the aisle and up on stage and handed the sheet music to the piano player.

And he opens it up, big grin.

He starts to play.

There's about four or five people sitting in the front row judging the auditioners and they're kind of nudging each other.

And one guy says, man, we love your energy.

Um, can you, can you do something a little mellower just so we kind of get a range of what you can do?

I said, yeah, yeah, no problem.

I went into this Otis Redding's dock of the bay, you know, acapella, but the piano player knew the tune.

And, and he picked it up and we were, he was in my key.

We were right in the pocket, man.

Looks like nothing gonna change.

Everything still remains the same.

I made myself cry.

And, uh, they said, cool, man.

We love you.

We just got to see you dance.

I said, play.

By then I just felt like I could do no wrong.

You know, I said, play.

And the guy started to play and I start to move.

And I wish I had a video because I have a feeling that.

Initially, I look like the offspring of Joe Cocker and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, you know, sort of a, but, uh, but it got good to me, you know, and I'm seeing my hair come around.

I'm getting trails off of this hair and trails off of the fringe.

And I'm just in this tornado of trails.

And I heard somebody say, Jesus, can he dance?

I knew it.

I knew it.

And, uh, so they said, come on down here.

They said, listen, we, we, uh, we want you, man.

We want you, uh, um, not for the Hollywood show, which I thought I was.

I was auditioning for.

They said, we just started a company in Las Vegas.

Can you be in Las Vegas on Tuesday?

It's Friday.

Play the weekend.

Um, yeah, I can.

So I went home and I, I told my roommates, uh, we got to get a new roommate.

It wasn't a problem.

Everybody wanted to live in Laurel Canyon in those days.

So that was no problem.

Uh, I told my band that night, I said, uh, I gotta, I'll play the weekend, but I gotta go to Las Vegas.

I'm going to be in hair.

Cool, man.

We knew a lot of musicians.

So that wasn't too hard.

I had to find a.

A home for my dog and a little Vietnamese restaurant said they would take them.

And, uh, so, uh, I thought they said they wanted to watch dog.

I think they said we want to walk the dog, but, uh, anyway, so, uh, Tuesday morning, Tuesday morning, I got, uh, all my stuff in a duffel bag and put it on my back and fired up that Harley.

It was an old police Harley with a tank shift, you know, and, uh, uh, and ate a tab of orange sunshine and headed off across the desert for fame and fortune.

And I got there.

And I got there and reported in, and it took me about three days to, to learn all the lines and the, and the harmonies and the steps and stuff.

And so I'm part of the hair company now.

And, uh, and there was a little vignette parts and I would get these little vignette parts at once in a while.

And it was just fun, fun, bunch of people to, to hang out with and play with.

And then they gave me the understudy of one of the lead roles.

Then when we finished up in Vegas, we became the first national tour of hair and they gave me the lead role of burger, the obnoxious speed freak, sex.

Crazy.

Crazy leader of the tribe, you know, there was a stretch, but I could do it.

And, uh, uh, so, uh, but we went off, we went right, went to Indianapolis and then Columbus and Pittsburgh and all these places, three and a half years touring United States and Canada.

Um, you know, two weeks here and three weeks there and a week there and whatever.

And, uh, we, we started out in the audience and then we go on stage and after the show, we go out and get people in the audience, come up on stage with us and dance.

And, and so people would say sometimes, uh, Hey, listen, we own a bar just up the street, about two blocks up the street.

We'd like you guys to come and be our guests tonight.

Just drink for free all night.

Okay.

We'll do that.

And, uh, somebody would go, Hey man, you like pot here?

Sense of me and Maui.

Wow.

We Panama red Acapulco gold.

Give us all this great dope.

You like acid?

Osley, purple haze, orange sunshine, window pain.

Hey, Hey, Hey.

And, uh, got a witness.

And, uh, so some girl would come up, Oh my God, I love you take me.

Okay.

Uh, so it was like sex, drugs, and rock and roll set to music and, and at union scale, you know, so, uh, it was a good job.

And, uh, when I, when that show was over, it's funny when I, when I finally got sober and I got a sponsor and I heard somebody say our drinking was, but a symptom of deeper underlying causes and conditions.

And I thought, that's what it is.

It's hair.

That's what I told myself.

I told my sponsor.

I found my deeper underlying cause and condition.

He said, Oh really?

What is it?

Hair.

Okay.

We'll cut your hair.

Not my hair.

Hair.

The show.

Remember I told you I was like toured around, you know, it was like a big star and everything.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

I forgot about the big star, you know?

Cause you're like a drunk now.

And, uh, um, I thought he said, I thought you were loaded when you auditioned for that show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He goes, okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, maybe it wasn't the show that made you an alcoholic.

Yeah.

I had a, had a problem from the gate.

And so I don't know, you know, anyway, um, I came back here and I, and I was auditioning for stuff.

I had a little girl by then, met a lady in the, in the show when we hooked up and she had a, had a baby.

And so we had this little girl and we came back to Hollywood and she started working at Kelly girl temps.

And I started going around and auditioning for stuff and visiting friends.

And I put a, I got a car seat at Goodwill and made a bracket.

So it fit on the back of my Harley and right around Hollywood with this infant.

And a car seat on the back of my scooter.

And I mean, it was just craziness.

And, uh, I would visit friends, you know, and we, and we get loaded.

And then I put her back in that car seat on the bike and, and right around Hollywood.

And I've just, it's embarrassing now, you know, to think about it.

Uh, but, uh, finally her mother just said, look, I can't do this anymore.

You know, um, I want you to stay in your, in your daughter's life if you want to, but not in mine.

I can't do this.

You got to go.

So I did.

I left and, and I ran into a guy that was the prop man on the show when we were touring.

And he said, uh, what are you doing?

I said, I said, oh, I'm up.

I got this, I'm up for this Jack in the Box commercial.

And, um, I got a call back for two gentlemen of Verona.

So he goes, well, you're parking cars.

Cause I was working in the parking lot right then and had parking his car.

He said, go down to the stage hand union and tell him I sent you.

So I did that.

And then I, uh, I got an, uh, got a job as a stage hand and I did that for 25 years.

Half of it loaded and half of it sober.

And, uh, I, um, I don't know.

Uh, I just, I started out in that union, like like, um, you know, I could pay attention.

I would listen to what people told me to do and do it and, uh, and get along.

All right.

And, and, you know, I'm smart enough to follow directions, but the longer I was there and

then I started being the cocaine dealer on a, uh, soap opera.

And, and that was like, that was a big ego feeder, you know, I'm like, Hey, I'm selling

to the big stars and directors.

And, and, uh, I, this is an AA.

I can look around this room and see that, uh, I don't have to explain.

I mean, this is an AA meeting.

I'm an alcoholic to the core.

If God ever made anything better than Bushmills, Irish whiskey, he kept it for himself.

But, um, uh, but I, you know, I use drugs.

I mean, I, and, and I don't, uh, I don't want to offend anybody, you know, that, uh,

Alcoholics Anonymous is not a drug treatment program.

It's, it's, it's a, it's a program designed to.

Treat alcoholism.

And, uh, my wife says it better than anybody I've ever heard.

She said, it's not a, it's not a violation of our fifth tradition about our primary purpose

to mention drugs in an AA meeting.

It's a violation of the tradition, not to mention alcohol.

And, uh, so, but, you know, still just out of respect for the old timers, you know, that,

uh, if I had known, I didn't know, you know, when I was doing it, I mean, somebody said,

uh, hey man, try this, you know?

If I had known where, where I was going to end up, you know, I would have said, you know,

hey, listen, I would love to, but I'm going to be speaking at an AA meeting in 40 years

and, you know, I don't want to piss anybody off.

Uh, so, uh, anyway, but I only used, um, every fucking drug I ever heard of, you know, except

for the ones that I've heard of since I got sober.

And I, you know, you wonder about them.

Uh, okay.

I tell you, ecstasy is a good name for a drug.

I don't know.

Uh, anyway, um, anyway, I, uh, my life was, was taken advantage of.

I was taking a dump.

I started hurting myself.

You know, I, I, I fell off of a, I skied off a cliff up at, uh, Big Bear.

Uh, it wasn't an accident either.

I thought I could make it.

Um, the way I like to ski, I like to get there at 830 when the lifts first open and the snow

is all groomed, you know, and get on the lift and, uh, take my gloves and hook them on my

vest and reach over here and get my little vial of cocaine and just do a little one-on-one

wake up and then reach over here and get my wasp, my flask and have a little shot of

whiskey and put that away.

Get out my windless pipe and enjoy the scenery all the way up the hill and then, uh, get

off and put everything down and grab that boda bag, have a shot of white wine and then

take off down the hill, which to be fair, it may have helped me on the first run, you

know, to, to loosen up some, but after about 20 or 30 runs, you're really in no condition

to be involved in an athletic event.

And so, um, this, uh, there was a, there was a cliff.

There was a place.

You come down towards this cliff and make a hard left and go around this long trail.

And I saw, saw a couple of people go off that cliff and it looked fun.

It was right after the winter Olympics too.

So, uh, you know, I, this, uh, they go like, I don't know, 700 meters or something, you

know, that I figured 50 foot cliff, big deal.

So, uh, but, uh, you know what you watch those winter Olympic guys when they're airborne,

as soon as they're airborne, they lean over the front of their skis and it looks really cool.

And I thought they did it because it looks really cool.

It turns out if you don't do that, your skis go straight up in the air.

And then now you're heading for the planet with the skis on top and your head on the

bottom, which is never recommended.

And, uh, so that's the way I landed and my landed on my shoulder and broke my shoulder.

And I was out of work for six weeks.

And then I got back to work and I ended up going to a party one night and it was Friday

night with a party and, and, um, everybody went, we partied all night long.

And then the morning came.

And in the morning there was about four of us left.

And the woman that owned the house said, if somebody would take me to the store and get

some eggs, I'll make breakfast.

So I said, well, I'll do it.

And my scooter was parked across the driveway.

So we went out and fired it up.

And, and I remember that morning so clearly, just as, as I fired, it was a kickstart, of

course.

And just as I kicked it, boom, boom, boom, you know, I had that Harley rumble and the

sun just broke across the horizon and the sky starts to turn from black to blue to bluer,

you know?

And, and that's a real sexy look.

And it was April.

So it wasn't hot or cold.

It was just brisk.

And, uh, the wind in our hair, there was no helmet law then.

So the wind in our hair and the sunrise and the Harley rumble, everything about it was

sexy.

So we both thought we should make love in the great outdoors.

And, um, I don't know if you're familiar with downtown Burbank, but you know, it's

not a, it's, it's not a place with a lot of great outdoor lovemaking venues.

They, we found a four story parking structure and, uh, and we thought, well, you know, it's

not a, it's not a place with a lot of great outdoor lovemaking venues.

They, we found a four story parking structure and, uh, and we thought that's great cause

we'll be up there.

The sky's open.

Nobody can see us.

So, but the gate was locked.

So we rode the bike around to the back and went up the fire escape and the fire escape

door was locked.

And I said, Hey, listen to fire escape.

Has to be locked.

Got the door.

has to be unlocked from the inside.

I'm going over the wall, open the thing.

So I jumped up.

I made the jump up to the wall, but I couldn't get the part of getting over the wall.

Part of it was that it was thicker than I thought.

So I'm not hanging like this.

I'm hanging like this.

So that, but mainly I think it's because I had a 0.40 blood alcohol level.

And the reason I know that is because this was the parking structure of St. Joseph's

Hospital.

So when I fell off of that parking structure, 54 feet, I remember watching the building

going by going, that's a stationary building.

I must be falling and landed on my feet and my knees buckled.

And I kicked myself in the ass and broke my pelvis in two places and snapped the heel

bone off my right foot and shoved it through my foot like a bowling ball.

And so it broke every little bone in my right foot.

And I didn't walk away from that one.

I'll tell you, my friend thought.

I was dead at first.

And then when she realized I was alive, she ran into the ER and said, hey, my partner

just fell off the parking lot and it broke him.

He's easy to find there.

So they put me in the hospital and I was in there for 10 days while they tried to figure

out how to put my foot back together.

And people would come in and visit me and bring me gifts, you know.

It never occurred to me to say to the doctors, I know you're giving me Demerol and Percodan

for the.

Pain and I'm self-administering cocaine and Irish whiskey.

Is that going to be a conflict?

And then I guess if it was, it was never too bad.

But I got out of there.

It took me five months to learn to walk and without a stick of some kind.

And so during that time, my friend, Teddy, who I love to drink with Teddy, she was fun

to drink with.

She was just a wild woman.

And she got sober while I was recuperating.

And she went from this crazy drunk lady to a lady, to a real lady.

I mean.

Within two weeks, everybody who knew her said, have you seen Teddy?

Oh my God, I can't believe it.

What a transition.

And so, and I still loved it.

She was still funny and smart, but she just couldn't stop talking about AA and speakers

and, and big book and steps and sponsors and meetings.

And finally I told her, look, Ted, I'm good.

Everybody's glad for you.

You know, I don't know what you're trying.

If you're trying to draft me into your deal or what, but I'll tell you this.

If I ever see alcohol interfering with my life, I probably will go to AA.

And she said, what, what would you call interference, Doug?

Brain death.

I mean, God, you, you've been told not to come to your daughter's, my 12 year old daughter's

house drunk anymore.

You, you, you skied off a cliff and took, you know, and miss six weeks of work.

And you, you fell off a four story parking structure.

I mean, what would you call?

I said, okay, okay.

Hold it right there.

I see where you're going with this, but, um, I don't think that accidents should count.

Um, you know, anybody fall off a four story.

Building is going to get hurt, drunk or sober.

You're just, you got alcoholism mixed up with gravity, honey.

And, uh, so she's like, okay, whatever.

But I, but I started thinking about every, every time I'd have a little quiet moment,

I pictured Teddy's face saying, what would you call?

What would you call a interference, Doug?

Brain death.

I thought brain death is on the table.

I missed it on these last accidents, but I could catch it on the next one.

And, uh, if I keep drinking, I might end up in a wheelchair or a bed the rest of my

life, unable to feed myself or go to the bathroom by myself and know it.

And I can't think of anything scarier today.

And it scared me so bad.

I rushed right down to AA three years later.

And, um, I'm compulsive about some things, but recovery, not so much.

But I, I went to my first meeting and, uh, I got there early and, uh, I just kind of

stood or whiz over at that, at, uh, uh, Valley Press Hospital.

They said, and they had a subterranean community room and they had meetings in this, a Friday

night meeting.

And I got there early.

And people were sitting up chairs and hugging and laughing and making coffee and setting

up literature and stuff.

And I just leaned against the wall over by the double doors, looking irritated.

So nobody would talk to me, but that doesn't keep people away.

You know, you were, Hey, you're new.

And I go, no, I'm not beat it.

And, uh, and most of them would, you know, uh, they didn't want to put up with that.

But one guy came over, this guy, Hank, he goes, you're new.

And I said, no, I'm not.

Oh, I haven't seen you here before.

What's your name?

I said, my name's Doug.

Uh, you haven't seen me here because I haven't been here before.

So mystery solved, take a hike.

And, uh, he said, oh, that's, that's new to us, man.

That's like, that's new.

Like you're new to us.

I said, okay, I'm new to you.

I'm new.

Like I'm new.

Like I never been here before, but I'm not new, like a new member.

Okay.

I didn't come here to stop drinking.

I don't know what I look like out there, but I'm not in here going, Hey, help me, help

me.

I'm drowning in a sea of alcohol.

I like drinking, you know, and I, and I see, you know, I'm, I'm not a joiner, man.

I just, that's not who I am.

I'm desperado.

I'm a, I'm a misfit.

I never, I never fit any place in my life.

I didn't fit in school.

I barely fit in the workplace.

I don't even fit in my own goddamn family.

So I don't think I'm going to fit here in Alcoholics Anonymous for Christ's sake.

Hug, hug, laugh, laugh.

Isn't it good?

We're not drinking.

I, uh, I like drinking.

I, I drank on the way here, pal.

So I don't know if that tells you anything, but I'm pretty sure I'm not your target market.

I absolutely intend to drink on the way home.

So what do you think?

He goes, I tell you, I like you, man.

You're going to fit right in.

And, uh, and you know, I thought, God, could I have been any more articulate about how

I wasn't going to fit in?

But he was right.

Of course.

You know, you see some, I love to see some arrogant shit like me, you know, and it's

not going to fit in and go, oh man, you're, you're in for it.

Uh, but, uh, anyway, they started the meeting and people read stuff and, uh, they had a

birthday that night.

Secretary says, we have a birthday tonight for Ruth for 18 years.

And I thought, oh, cool.

They celebrate.

They celebrate people's birthday.

I was looking around for, for Ruth, you know, some 18 year old, tiny, tiny.

And, uh, uh, so, um, uh, Ruth gets up.

She's the only one walking towards the stage.

If you know that room over at Valley Press, they have a stage, you know, regular curtain

stage and you had to go upstairs to get to it.

So, um, Ruth is walking towards the stage and I'm thinking that's gotta be Ruth.

She's the only one walking.

She's 50 if she's a day.

And I thought, God, if she's 18, she should stop drinking tonight.

But she didn't look bad.

I mean, she looked good.

She was just, you know, she was dressed up, made up and coiffed, you know, and she's

taking a cake.

And, uh, and so I thought, okay, this is, this is AA.

They don't drink here.

Ruth hadn't had a drink in 18 years.

I told you I'm gonna figure out her.

So I thought, huh.

And I said, whoa, happy birthday, Ruth.

My God, I queued the choir.

I didn't know.

You know, everybody starts singing happy birthday, 200 people singing happy birthday

in four different keys at the same time.

I'm a musician.

I recognize contrapuntal harmony from bad singing.

This was bad singing and, and nobody seemed to care.

But me, I couldn't be the only musician in the room.

They had a piano on stage and nobody was playing it.

I thought somebody, somebody in here can fake happy birthday.

I'm a guitar player and I can do it.

Maybe I should maybe run up there.

Hold it.

Folks here.

I come to save the day, you know, and get everybody in the same key.

And then I thought, shut up, you know, that hero thing almost never works out for you.

Why don't you just shut up?

It's a short song.

Okay.

Happy birthday.

Keep coming back.

Ruth gets up.

My name's Ruth.

I'm an.

Alcoholic.

Hi, Ruth.

Oh my God.

This is like kindergarten for grownups.

My friend Scott Redman used to say, this is some level of lameness I never knew was available

to me.

And Ruth says, I want you to know that over these last 18 years of sobriety, I've attended

a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day.

And I, I didn't know you could go to a meeting every day.

Plus for 18 years, really, you know, I'm just, nobody seemed to be bothered by that.

But me, I'm shocked.

I looked at this other cool guy.

I knew he was cool.

Cause we were the only ones standing up.

You know that we're the cool section, but he wasn't cool.

And he's coming over to me now and he's going, Hey, I'll tell you what, stay sober a year.

We'll give you one of them cakes.

I don't think so.

Stay.

Don't drink for a year.

And I get a cake.

Really seemed to me, if you don't drink for a year, they ought to give you like a car,

you know?

Uh, but I, I was so shocked.

I couldn't even make fun of him.

I said, I, I, I'm, uh, I'm not much of a pastry eater.

You know, I, uh, if I wanted a cake, I just stop at, you know, Vaughn's on the way home.

I think they're like five bucks, you know, or I could not drink for a year.

Hmm.

Let me think about it.

But I ended up getting a big book at that meeting.

Secretary said, this is our big book.

Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I said, I don't drink for a year and I get a cake.

Really seemed to me, if you don't drink for a year, they ought to give you like a car,

you know?

Uh, but I, I was so shocked.

I couldn't even make fun of him.

I said, I, I, I'm, uh, I'm not much of a pastry eater, pal.

You know, I, uh, if I wanted a cake, I just stop at, you know, Vaughn's on the way home.

I think they're like five bucks, you know, or I could not drink for a year.

Hmm.

Let me think about it.

But I ended up getting a big book at that meeting.

Secretary said, this is our big book.

Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's the basic text of our program.

The only authority on AA.

If you're new tonight, please don't leave without that book.

We sell it at our costs.

And I thought, not to me, honey.

I'm stealing the book.

And then we had a bunch of them on a literature table.

I'm going to have to sell it.

I'm going to pick it up, act like I'm fascinated with it.

Wow.

Really?

Oh man, this is great.

This is really going to help me with my alcoholism, some, some, some, my sublimity.

And, uh, walk right out the door and I had a feeling they even noticed they'd say, let

him go.

So I, I, I, uh, I did a book and I, uh, I'm in a bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

I'm in the bookshop.

and I still think that might have happened,

but she screwed it up.

She said, if you're new tonight

and you're financially embarrassed,

we understand it, we've been there,

we want you to have the book.

We'll make very liberal credit arrangements

including nothing down and nothing a week

till you get back on your feet

and that sounds loving and generous

unless you're going to steal the book

because now I'm thinking, oh my God,

now if I steal the book,

they're going to think I'm homeless.

I have my pride.

I will steal from you,

but I won't accept your damn charity.

So now I got to stay to the end of the meeting for sure

and I got to buy the book

and so I don't know how much,

it's probably 20 bucks,

you know, it's a hardcover book

and so and I go up to her and I say,

excuse me, ma'am, can I buy one of your books?

She said, oh, the big book?

Yeah, the big book.

Yeah, I've seen bigger.

How much is that big book?

She said, it's 4.65, do you have it?

It's $4.65, yeah, yeah, here's a five, keep the change.

She said, I'll get your change.

No, listen, lady, listen to me.

I want you to keep the change

and use that change to help a drunk

because I'm on my feet, okay?

So I got my book and on the way home,

I got a bottle, I got a fifth of whiskey

and I got home, poured three fingers of whiskey

and I started to read this book

and there's this chapter in there.

I didn't really read it.

I didn't step on it.

Like I can, most books,

I can look at the title of a chapter

and pretty much know everything in the chapter.

It's this gift that I have

and so like doctor's opinion,

I've had doctor's opinion, you know,

shouldn't drink so much, okay?

Bill's story, who cares?

Chapter two, there's a solution.

That's a sales pitch, you know?

There's a solution to your problem.

Yeah, chapter three, more about alcoholism.

Sounds like it could be the most boring piece of literature

in the English language.

Chapter four, we agnostics got my attention

because I was an, I called myself an atheist.

I wasn't an atheist.

I would have been a good atheist if I had more faith

but I guess what I was was an agnostic

and so I thought, here, here it is.

This is how the smart people stay sober without God.

So I poured three fingers of whiskey

and I read that whole chapter

and I thought, I don't even know what I just read.

I'm looking for how the smart people stay sober without God.

My grandmother was a Pentecostal minister.

She opened a Skid Row mission on Beacon Street

in San Pedro in the 50s

and when I would go down there

and there was a sentence in chapter four

that says, we found God doesn't make too hard terms

on those who sin.

And I never heard anybody say that.

Any religion that I thought I knew about,

Western or Eastern,

and I didn't know anything about any of these religions.

I just had my drunken opinion of organized religion

but my grandmother's Pentecostal church,

they would say, you know, they call me,

you know, we're very sure that God makes hard times

on those who seek him.

Boy, you know God will not even hear your prayers

unless you're baptized

and I don't mean sprinkling,

sprinkling on the forehead like some Methodist

that I'm talking about total sublimation.

Total sublimation.

Boy, that's why we got a tank of water for Christ up here.

Come on up.

Come on up, son.

We're going to soak you down,

pull you up,

washed in the blood of the Lamb.

Praise Jesus.

Amen.

Somebody get the boy a towel.

And I thought, I am not getting wet in this room.

I, you know, I don't know what was going on

but I thought maybe she told them I touched myself.

You know, maybe they could be sending my ass to Jesus.

For my own good.

I don't know, you know.

Well, I'll tell you what,

I'm going to miss that boy's guitar playing

but thank God he don't have to abuse himself no more.

So I'm out of there.

I'm just going, I'm going home.

I said, you know what?

I got brand new Levi's on shrink to fit.

See, so like I wouldn't be able to ride my bicycle home.

So I'm out of there.

But this book said, we found that God doesn't make too hard

terms on those who seek him.

And I wanted to find out about this God.

And I came back to AA and my first eight months in AA,

I didn't have a home.

Group a sponsor.

I didn't read the book.

I didn't take the steps.

I didn't know what a tradition was.

I didn't have a commitment anywhere.

I didn't believe in God.

And I was drinking every day.

And except for that, I had a pretty good program, which my

whole program was keep coming back.

That's the only thing I did.

Right.

Kept coming back for eight months.

And finally I, I fell on my knees and asked God for help.

I didn't even mean to fall on my knees.

I spilled whiskey on the bed and I was sucking the whiskey out of

the bedspread and I noticed it.

I said, God, if you're there, please help me.

And it's been 32 months.

Two years since that day.

And, uh, my life's gotten better every day.

Thanks.

Let me share with you.