From Hollywood to Sobriety: Leonard's Journey

Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Leonard.

Leonard P, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group.

Leonard P, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group.

Hi everybody, I'm going to thank you for getting me to come and share my sobriety.

Pretty hectic day today. I was out in Saugus doing some stuff and had a rush down here. I didn't even

have a chance to take a shower, just get this monkey suit on and come home. So anyway, if

anybody's new, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm going to rip off a friend of

mine's saying that I hope you find here what I found, which is simply a better life than I had

out there. And I'm not here because I can't find something to do. I'm here because I need to work

on my sobriety because left to my own devices, I'm a liar, cheat and a thief and self-destructive and

all kinds of good qualities. So anyway, I'll tell you what it was like and what happened

and what it is like now. I was born in New York. I'm a transplant out here.

I came here in 72, primarily because my brother had polio and they had the Shriners Hospital out

here next to Vermont. And they had one in Chicago. My mom was sick and tired of the snow. So we came

out here to California and I remember coming in the plane in a 707 and I'm looking at the city

and say, where is the city? I mean, I saw one little building, to me it was, I mean, I was on

a plane. I'm like, Kate, I'm looking down like, what? You know, you go to New York, man, it's like

landing in Paris, you know? It's like, gosh, it's a real city. So anyway, we landed here and

off to the living in Hollywood we went. And anyway, my father was working at Lockheed

and they would play cards, not every Friday, but they would play cards every Friday,

but not every Friday at our house. So, but when they did play cards at our house, my mom would

set up some sandwiches and set up the ice and all that stuff. Then my mom would go to bed. And

you got to understand that the only difference from the way I lived in the Bronx to here

is that there was a palm tree outside of my apartment. That was the only difference. I

still had two aunts living with us at the time. So me, my brother and two aunts slept in the living

room. Back East, we call it the parlor. My mom and dad had the back bedroom. They had the back

bedroom here. And, you know, that's what it was. It was like 700 square foot, this apartment. And

we had six people living in there, one bathroom and the whole, the whole thing. So, you know,

it was like 700 square foot, this apartment. And we had six people living in there, one bathroom,

and the whole, the whole thing. So anyway, so they would have these cards, you know, they would

play poker and 21 or whatever. And after my mom would go to bed, I turned into the bartender,

you know, and what would happen is these guys would gamble, you know, they'd give me a dollar

tip. Hey, man, a dollar tip was some money back then, you know, I mean, by the end of the night,

after these guys have a few drinks, you know, I could walk around with 10 bucks in my pocket. And

that was a lot of money. That was a lot of money. Now it's chump change. But then it was a lot for,

you know, I had, you know, no bills or nothing, you know. So, and as usual, as I would pour the

drinks, you know, I picked up on things quickly. I also made a drink for myself, you know, or I'd

sip off your drink and bring it. And by the end of the night, I was smashed. And I remember the

first time that I became, that I did that, I threw up and everything else. And I woke up in the

morning, I couldn't wait to do it again. You know, I think that's one of the things that make me

alcoholic. You know, here I am, I'm cutting my finger and I'm in the gym, if I could get a bigger

knife, you know. Leonard P, Quality of Life, Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, sobriety, sponsor, home group

And so, I went to Catholic schools all my life and my brother and I did. So, I knew the way I was

living was wrong, you know. And once again, I didn't, I drank alcoholically from the get-go.

I never had to work up to being an alcoholic, you know. I drank to get loaded. I don't drink

to catch a buzz. I don't understand that. To this day, I don't understand that. I drink to

get drunk, you know. I want to have that same feeling I did from that first drink. And,

I don't believe in half pregnancy. I don't believe in any of that. I believe in just getting loaded.

And that's what I did every time. I'm not saying I got drunk every time I got alcohol,

but that was my intention, you know. And so, as, you know, as most people, you know,

it was fun and fun with problems and all problems. And that's basically what happened to me.

I definitely have to qualify. I think the reason it wasn't the amount of alcohol I drank,

which was stupidly enormous, as it was what alcohol did to me. You know, I take that first

drink, it starts something in me called craving. The normal drinker doesn't go through that.

With me, I need to have that next drink. You know. Alcohol fills a hole in me, that now the program

of Alcoholics Anonymous fills. But back then, I didn't fit in. I didn't fit in if you told me I

fit in, which was really weird. You know, I did well in sports. I was a very good student. I just,

I didn't learn anything. I just tested well. And, you know, I played in a band. I had a little bit

A little bit of success in this band. We went overseas. We were the house band at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel for a couple of years. And man, did my liver pay for that. But, you know, hey, I'm buying homes. I'm buying cars. I'm doing all this stuff. So I had a little bit of success, you know, which brings me up to the point like, you know, my mom would be blown away by, she goes, you know, you're talented in so many things. You could do so many things. Why do you drink like that?

I mean, that's an honest question. And I really don't know how to answer that. You know, my mom doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, is Catholic, that prays the rosary and all of that. So it was like oil and vinegar. But the question is valid. And I don't know how to answer that. And I didn't know then. I didn't know anything about craving. I didn't know anything about not taking that first drink. You know, the alcoholic to me was the guy in the rain suit and all of that.

So I fought this program for a very, very long time. And I honestly believe you need to come in here when you're defeated.

And it took a lot to defeat me. And my liver paid for it and other parts of my body. And but I did come here defeated, you know. Anyway, graduated. Well, let me just go back here a second. I delivered the Herald Examiner, for those of you that I'm dating myself, but and because, you know, I needed money and I worked and that's what I did. I delivered the paper.

And I met this woman. She was the secretary for the guy at Metro Media Television for the vice president.

And I remember when the kid was taking me around showing me the route. His name was Joey. And I was meeting all his clients. And when we went to this, you know, it was an office building. And he goes, listen, when we go in there, you just talk to the lady. You don't talk to the guy that orders the paper. And I said, why not? You know, and he goes, the guy, you know, he's flaking and he's got, you know, said I want to meet everybody.

So I went over there and I told, he told Judy that, look, this is the new paper boy and all this. And I told her I'd like to meet, I'd like to meet the guy who's ordering the paper. And so Joey took a step back and she goes, well, let me see, you know, she goes, you know, can you, can you see that? He goes, yeah, send him in. And I walked into this guy's office, man, and his desk was measured in yards, you know, I mean, he was literally with a cigar, a little guy with a cigar and his desk went forever, you know, I was going, wow, what a trip, you know, so I walked in and I said,

my name is Leonard. I'm the new paper boy. Joey's out. He's moving, you know, and he goes, oh, nice to meet you, Leonard. And every time I went there, I would take the paper to him. So anyway, Judy, which was the secretary lived at the Barber's Terrace Apartments, which I lived on the corner. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Hollywood of Bronson and Carlton Way. There was an old four unit apartment there and we were on the lower unit and she lived in the apartment, the big apartment next to us. And she was my last delivery because she took the paper too. Anyway, this guy gave me the paper.

He gave me tickets to go see the Stones. I mean, he couldn't be in backstage passes to Creedence Clearwater, you know, just because I went there and I wasn't afraid of him flaking off as long as he could flake all he wants and I didn't care. So, well, the paper was like $2 or something. The guy would give me a $5, $10 tip, you know, let alone these backstage passes and, you know, which really made me big man on campus, you know, not everybody could go to a backstage pass to a Stones concert, not at my age anyway, you know, and

so anyway, so Judy was my last stop and she was a big Beatle fan. I remember that she had, you know, from the white album, the pictures of them on the wall and stuff. And so on my last stop and she used to drink, she used to drink Fresca. I don't even know if they make this stuff anymore. She would dump half the Fresca and put vodka in it and eat crosstops and she would type at a million miles an hour, you know, and she had one of those typewriters with the ball on it at the IBM, which was, you know, she was really, really, really, really good.

really really styling you know and um but anyway she was the last stop so uh I kept you know I kept

stopping by Judy's house and she was she drank a lot and I drank so you know one thing led to

another and then the only reason why I bring that up is because that was the first time I tried an

opiate you know um I tried mescaline with Judy I tried a lot of stuff and uh a lot of stuff and uh

that was the first time I had heroin or any of that stuff you know and here I am in school and

I remember going to school and we had catechism and they had uh they had this little boy right

he's sitting down in his chair at school and and there's a little bit of sin in his heart and it's

like a little black couple of black dots then then there's the satan sort of like behind him

you know just behind him then the next one he's got a few more dots on and satan is like

I'm standing now he's standing up and then the last kid was his heart was black and satan was

up there and he's got the horns and the and I said oh damn there I am you know

and I said I don't know what I'm gonna do about this it took me 30 years later to figure out what

to do about that but uh man I still believe that that book was right with me anyway so um anyway I

my parents found out about what was going on between Judy and I and that was a real bummer but

uh which stopped a lot of the drugs and stopped about a lot of other things that were going on

but God blessed us you know we moved to the valley you know right then and there we moved to the

valley I had 28 year old to have any interest in a 14 year old but to each his own so we moved to

the valley and that was like I left Hollywood there and then I'm here you know I went to

Notre Dame high school but nothing really changed you know I I still did the same thing there was

just in a different city the the book talks about that as geographics you know it's just

you put me in Moscow I'll still find all the drug lowlifes you know and the drunks and stuff you

know this is what I do you know so um anyway I graduated high school I had good grades I had

grades and um I told my dad the Vietnam War I think ended in 72 and I told my dad that uh I said

dad I'd like to be a pilot and I had really good grades and and my dad says well go to you know you

got grades go to the Air Force Academy I said dad I want to engage so I want to this is long before

Top Gun I said I want to go shoot somebody down I don't want to stay around and land you know

he goes go fly Navy then so I went to the Navy recruiter and I got my transcripts and the guy

was so happy he goes oh yeah you're exactly what we need and all of this

and he goes you come in here you know and within six years I'll get you on a carrier

I said six years I wanted a six-month program you know and so that was the end of my military

career it started really quick and ended quick and uh so I went to UCLA for a year or so you know

I was going to go for architecture and uh that didn't work out either because my disease now

started to take off a little bit now I don't have really school I'm over 18 um I have uh control of

and this disease took off on me man it took off on me and uh and I wrote it it was fun I had a great

time you know I had a great time for a little while you know like all all of us did or else

we wouldn't drink if we didn't have a great time you know it's like why do people sin because it's

fun if it wasn't we wouldn't do it you know so anyway like I said I played in a in a band and

I'm just going to go just qualify here I know this is a program but just a couple of things

here quick so you understand that the insanity of how you're going to be able to do this is going to

be a little bit different than how I lived you know uh my brother had a contract with the western

hotels and we went to Europe and South America we played at every western hotel not everyone but a

lot of them and uh we went once to Bangkok and uh I always heard about Bangkok you know the girls

and all of that the temples and the bars and all this stuff so I mean you're talking about gasoline

and fire so we landed in Bangkok and um we only stayed there for two days two or three days and

when I was there we were going to play the next night

and we had to play the next night so that night I wanted to go and hit the bars and everything else

I wanted to find out what Bangkok's all about you know and so I'm in my room there and there was a

knock on the door and this like 15 year old girl was there with another girl and I said you got I

opened the door I said you got the wrong room and I closed it you know and I called up Joe which was

the keyboard player I said Joe man let's just get going here because I want to I want to enjoy this

so I could wake up at three o'clock you know and in the next afternoon and not care and just have

to worry about the gig so these girls knocked again you know and they said you know we had a

lot of fun and we had a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun

anyway in essence it was the people that are putting it together sent these two girls I guess

for sexual favors for me I'm one of those guys that I'd rather get loaded and laid and that's

you know that's just the way I was so the the two girls came in and they told me the story which was

a little it perplexed me because in America we don't do that and I said okay well then I asked

my mind for you understand how the alcoholic mind works I just asked one of the girls I said listen

honey do you know where you could get me get some heroin and the girl said I don't know I don't know

the girl said yeah I do and my eyes became like those Japanese characters you know looking at her

you know so I gave her a $50 bill and they were walking out of the hotel and I said no no you stay

here and you know the girl went back and got like me three balloons of heroin and gave me change

you know and I was like gosh you know I should have married her but you know anyway so me and

the keyboard player you know had an opiate type night and then we left and we were flying into I

was Heathrow and we were flying first class and I had that I had this heroin in my camera case

and first class then I don't know about now because I don't fly first class anymore we get out first

right so we got out first and I'm walking in Europe security was a lot tighter like it is now

post 9-11 back then they always had the really tight security on their airport and I walked out

a mess out of that plane you know I was loaded and drunk and blah blah blah so the body you know

their security pulled me aside you know they saw me and the guy's looking at me and I'm like I'm

you know my pupils are like that you know and reeking of alcohol and they were ready to take

me into the next they had sort of a table like that and I was already there then there's like

a room that they take you in you know to strip you down or do whatever they're going to do

and the stewardess came out and said no no no no he's he's not loaded he's just drunk I've never

seen anybody drink like him and I was reeking of alcohol too and uh the the cop looked at me and

he goes okay carry on you know not just be in prison in England over this dope you know but

the things that I did without really thinking you know all I thought if you told me are you

self-centered I'd tell you no uh do you wake up and do you want to go and create havoc in other

people's life I said no because I didn't I didn't wake up and say gee I'm going to create havoc in

Oscar's life that's not what I did you know that's what I did but that's not what I was thinking

anyway and um so anyway yeah we went through Europe and stuff like that and uh I'll tell you

what man that was some vicious good dope because I that went through all of Europe with

me when I got to New York it still had enough for me and my cousins and then I flew back to LA

but uh just a little bit of recreational heroin I'm not but my drinking was really taking off

you know um it got to the point that you know I had bar taps and I also had liquor stores dropping

off liquor at my house and people thought how many guys live there you know how many people

live with you and there wasn't it was just me you know and um that's just how much I was drinking so

I got into a lot of bad things you know I'm not proud of I sold a lot of large quantities of

narcotics uh I've dealt in gun running gun trafficking once again I'm not proud of it

I'm just an honest pro I'm telling you what I did I was a total low-life businessman and um

so I got into a little bit of trouble you know uh meanwhile I'm getting 502s and going to jail

you know for a couple of days then 502s for a week then this and that then the gun charges and

you know let me get sober here for you guys

life was falling off my sleeves I um I had a Porsche 911 you're like this would be my last

junk-a-log story because my mom still has the newspaper clipping for this one and uh oh no I

used to crash cars on a daily basis it was really bad it was really bad um I was up at the Mulholland

we were racing and uh I had a 911 I was part owner of a Porsche Audi repair shop on Van Nuys Boulevard

anyway I had this car and I was going and I had a five-point restraint and I was loaded so one day I

didn't use the restraint and uh anyway I passed this guy and I was like laughing the last the

next thing I remember I'm slamming into this curb and my car is just tipping down Mulholland going

down towards Beverly Hills but I I got knocked out not out of the car right so I get up and

my mom lives right off down on Beverly Glen so I go down on Beverly Glen I'm walking I see the

you know the ambulance fire there's everybody coming up the road while I'm walking down

and uh we get there my brother my mom's there and I said hey let's go up there and see what's

going on and by that time it looked like a Hollywood movie set you know everybody's there

the lights they even had they had one truck that just had lights came up with lights you know that

it's job and and there was a cop there and they found a car and they were dragging the car up

and the car didn't have one square centimeter that wasn't dented I mean you couldn't save

anything from this car and uh I saw I asked the cop I said uh I see you got the car he goes yeah

the car we're just looking for the body now and I'm just standing right next to this cop you know

just like oh no you know so we got back in our car I mean this type of thing it's the guardian

angel syndrome you know that I was just protected I should have I should I should have died if not

died served some long time for that you know uh got away with it just got away with it but I got

caught a lot too so anyway the finally what happened to me was uh I was looking at doing

five to maybe ten and um it took me 13 months and over two hundred thousand dollars to get out of

that and I did you know I was in county jail for 13 months and uh probably now it's probably worse

it's probably even more overcrowded than it was then 30 years ago but uh when I finally got out

I was defeated man I was I was really feeling low I lost my home uh I lost every penny I had

artwork everything you know the funny thing about the car was that I was really feeling low I was

feeling really low you know so I was like oh no that's how the fuck I feel about the state is they

find out how much you have and they take everything as you're fine you know that's the state of

California deal with me so but anyway I was out you know I was out and uh at that time my best

friend was going to the pacific group I got sober at life's in session because he's used to go there

and then he went out and I stayed on it then he started going to pacific so I started going to

pacific group sort of being together he's my best friend and try to stay sober together

and I started doing what you guys told me to do you know um

being defeated helped. Like I said, I'm one of those guys, man, that's at the bar at two o'clock

in the morning, drunk, and I'll order that next drink, which, I mean, my body won't even feel it

anyway, because I'm just already, you're drunk, but you're going to be super drunk. You know what

I mean? So anyway, that was in 1989. My sobriety date is 94. And I'll tell you why. My wife,

I was having a dinner party at my house, and my wife got some Sharps beer. And I drank that

Sharps beer. And about two or three months later, I told my sponsor, I said, I drank Sharps beer.

He goes, well, you got to start your sobriety over again. I said, no, there's no alcohol in it. I

didn't get loaded. And I found out there is, it's like 0.0 whatever, you know, O'Doul's doesn't

have it. So he goes, you got to start your sobriety over again. Here, I'm five years sober,

and he's asking me to start my sobriety over again, which I really thought was cowardice.

I said, Frank, you know,

how I drink. I go to Vegas, I drink right. If I'm going to go out on my sobriety, I'm going to do

it right. You know, I don't, I'm not going to half-ass it. And I don't, look, I don't even

know. I never shot near dope. I drank near beer. I don't get it. How do I have known I wouldn't

have done it? You know, and that's what I told Frank. I said, Frank, man, it wasn't the intent

because I wouldn't go to beer. I'd go to whiskey. I was a big whiskey drinker. I love whiskey.

So, you know, I wouldn't have touched it. And he goes, well, it does have alcohol in it.

And you need to start your sobriety over again. I was already secretary of the Tuesday night

meeting and everything else. And so, I raised my hand again. And Frank wasn't too deep. You know,

Frank had 187 felonies. So, I fell in love with him the first day I saw Frank. And I said,

he's my guy. And Frank did a lot of good work with me early in my sobriety. He told me some

stuff that was quite profound for a guy that, you know, Frank had a third grade education.

But some of the most profound things that he told me were, you know, Frank had a third grade education.

I've heard my life came from his lips, you know, which is really weird. He said, you got to raise

your hand again. And I did, you know. And I remember he was starting having medical problems

and I was driving him around. Somehow, I drive everybody around in AA. That's what I do. And I

was talking to him on the way back. And I said, look, Frank, you know, I felt like killing my

wife for this. I mean it. I mean killing her, not divorcing her, killing her. And I'm not suicidal.

I am homicidal, you know.

But he told me something. He goes, if you're willing to do this sacrifice,

chances are you'll stand a better chance of staying sober than most people in that room.

You know, here's, this is Frank Siebel, you know. For Frank, you had to erase a tattoo to put one

on him, you know. And I said, okay, Frank, you know, I did it. You know, I raised my hand. And

meanwhile, you're going to say, I'm five years sober that I had to throw out. I was thinking,

man, if that was the case, you know, I still think that way. I should have been out drinking

and drugging and doing what I do best. But, you know, I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to

do it. But I didn't. You know, I, it took a lot of humility on my part. I almost left this

program. I thought it was unfair. And to this day, I've talked to people and people say, yeah,

that's, that's pretty unfair. But my sobriety date is June 19th, 1994, not 89. So, so I started

doing what they told me to do. You know, one thing I liked about alcoholics, I love the little,

the little sayings, but I, it was obvious that the way I think wasn't working. I was honest enough to

that. And I was tired of thinking and lying and paying lawyers and everything else. So I finally

came to a program that people were telling me what to do. And there were simple things. And so

to me, that was like you lifting a barbell off of me. You know, I don't have to lie and cheat and

steal anymore. So my first year, I got a lot of stuff done. You know, a lot of my problems got

pigeonholed. You know, I'm not in front of judges anymore, looking at doing time. I'm not paying

lawyers anymore because I'm not breaking the law. You know, my life got really, really, really, really,

really well. It set a good foundation for me on my first year. And like I said, I was with the

Pacific group and I got in with the coffee crew and, you know, they're all thugs and everything

else, but I love those guys. And they put me underneath their wing and, you know, and I went

to the moves and the watches and stuff like, excuse me, the stuff like that. And I started

realizing that my life is changing, you know. There's some, you know, spots in my sobriety that

meant a lot to me. That first year was important. You know, I was a guy, I couldn't stay hours

sober, man. I got up in the morning and I drank. I mean, I had to. I had the shakes. I didn't have

a choice. I passed that point of having a choice, you know. It's like, if I didn't, you know, I'd

have like spearmint soap, you know, I'd brush my teeth and brush my whole face. I shook so bad,

you know. I needed to get that half pint in me. And then I'd go drive and I act like a normal

human being, believe it or not, with a half a pint of vodka in me or whiskey, whatever I had,

you know. So anyway, where was I here? Oh, yeah. With that,

first year. So near the end of that first year, we had a watch for me and I was just going,

I couldn't believe that I didn't drink for 12 months or didn't do any drugs or anything else.

I was still living a little bit like a thug and I was slowly getting away from that sort of life,

you know, the gun running and the rest of that stuff I was doing. I knew it was wrong and I was

slowly getting out of all of that. But what I do remember is that first year is that, man,

I didn't drink or use for a year. And it was like,

are you kidding me? I didn't drink or use for a year. I didn't drink or use for a year. I didn't

you kidding me? I haven't done that since I was 12, 13 years old. You know, that meant something to

me. You know, the next major step that I had is when I did that fourth step, you know, and most

people are afraid of their fourth step. I wasn't because Frank was a criminal and I wrote a lot of

stuff on that fourth step that could put me away for a long, long time and rightfully so. So I had

to trust another man on seeing that. That was just on the stuff that is breaking the law.

Then I had to write down on things about my character and my behavior, which is even more

embarrassing. I served a lot of time, so I didn't care about serving time, but I did care about those

other things, you know. And I remember I struggled with that and it was several pages long, man.

You know, remember, I was the catechism angel. I was the last kid on the row, you know, with the

devil with full regalia behind me. And it was like five pages long. And I remember I went over to his

house and he read it and everything else. And, you know, he was reading, he goes, look, let me tell you,

something I did, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he went through all of that. Then he got it and

just lit it on fire and threw it away. Once again, this is after my first year. I don't know exactly

the ins and outs of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I know one thing that when I left his house,

I felt better. I felt better that I told the truth about all these ugly things in me, you know.

I felt clean is what I did. Then he goes, now you got to do your amends. And I had a lot of amends

to do. You know, a lot of them, some of them were financial. Some of them was just, you know,

just a fact. I went out with high school with this girl named Carol Standell. And her father was a

contractor. I used to sell drawings. I used to draw remodeling drawings. And I'd sell it for him

for 500 bucks. My dad made 750 at Lockheed. So I would put together a remodel sketch in a day,

day and a half with elevations and foundation details. And her dad would buy it for 500 bucks.

So that gives me four days of doing nothing, you know. But anyway, Carol was a sweet girl, man. And

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't

know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't

know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't

I almost feel like blowing my brains out for the things I put her through. But anyway, he was,

he turned out, he joined a little company called Bechtel. And then from Bechtel, he went to another

little company called Tudor Saliba, who happens to be building your subway. And at that time,

he goes, look, Leonard, stay with me. Stay with me. I'll take you up with me. You know,

how do I have done that? I would have retired 25 years ago. But, but I didn't, you know, man,

I crashed the guy's car, abused his daughters, you know, drank all his booze. I had amends to make.

And I remember when I went to make an amends to him, man, and he was a big guy, too. And I knocked

on her door on where Carol lived anyway. And he passed away. The mother opened the door. Oh,

Leonard, come on in. And they were still nice to me, man, you know, which made me feel even worse,

you know.

I told her, I went over there. Look, I came here to apologize. You know, I was still

new in the amending thing. I said, look, I was a rap bastard. And I just want to go and apologize

to you for that and all of that. And she goes, oh, you know, we loved you and we still love you

and everything else. She goes, Carol, you know, left and she married a dentist. She lives in San

Diego. I could give you her number. I said, no, no, that's OK. Just if you see her, tell her I'm

sorry. Carol would have been the love of my life, man. I definitely don't want to see her again.

I don't. I don't. Because the good life.

I have will probably go down the drain. But so I started doing that. And when I did my amends was

another plateau in Alcoholics Anonymous for me. You know, by then now I'm using these 12 steps

in my daily life. You got to understand you're talking about a two legged animal. So it took a

while for me to start incorporating these things in my life. And I realized that when I do incorporate

those things in my life, I have a better life. And so do you. And the people around me have a

better life. So I tried to. Well, obviously, now I've got a few years left. I've got a few years

here. But I started working, working the program. It obviously doesn't come natural to me because if

it did, I wouldn't be here. So I started working, doing work. I started reading the book. I started

getting more into a spiritual contact, spiritual awareness here. We call it a higher power. I call

it God. And it was the God thing wasn't bad for me because I came from Catholic school. So I was

the concept of God was very ingrained in my head. And the God that I had there is still the God I

believe today. And my God is a forgiving God. And I believe in God. And I believe in God. And I believe

in God. He's also a God of wrath. He's also a God that has drowned the whole earth. So, you know,

he's a God that you shouldn't play with. He's a God that you could come for forgiveness. He's

there for that. My God, anyway. And and he will forgive you. And but don't don't push him. Anyway,

so that was I after my fourth step and after my amends, I haven't felt better in Alcoholics

Anonymous since that. It blew away the first year of not drinking and using.

That just blew my mind. Then the the fourth and fifth step gave me the cleaning for me.

That spiritually gave me a quantum leap. It was another way of living. And what that did,

it forced me to use these steps and every day in my life, which I try to do to this day.

Everything I'm telling you, I don't do perfect. I really don't. You know, I try to do the best I

can with it, you know, and I've been doing this for a little while. So I do it more often than not.

But and being of service to, you know, people are saying,

I was being a circus had a truck. Everybody used my truck to moves and stuff like that.

And but I've done panels, you know, because of this program, I have a ministry at my church

that I do. And I've been doing it for 12 years over there. And without Alcoholics Anonymous,

I would never be doing that. I think very much about myself. You know, I do well on myself as

far as thinking. But Alcoholics Anonymous got me out of myself. And I think that's why they tell

you to go in service, because if you don't think if you're doing something for somebody,

you can't be thinking of yourself. And thinking of yourself is what got you inside this,

these rooms. So like I said, the Pacific group's very active that way, you know, and I started

doing a panels, I started doing moves, and I started doing all those things. And I another

day, here's another plateau, I realized I wasn't craving the drinking and drugging. Because I

remember waking up and having to do it. But I remember waking up before I got to having to do

it to wanting to do it to crave it.

I didn't feel like doing it anymore. God lifted that in the end of the book tells you that he goes,

you'll lift that from you. That was a confirmation of what we call a higher power. There was no force

on earth that would get me away from drinking and drugging. Because I've tried everything.

Rabbis prayed for me, priests, everybody, my mom did no Venus, nothing worked, nothing. The only

thing that could work is something bigger than me bigger than myself. And that person is God.

With him, everything's possible.

That started my journey. You know, from there, as far as what's happening now, I'm married,

I live and see me. My life is not the James Bond life. It's not very exciting. But I'm happy. I have

a wife for a long time. Just a quick one. What time do I stop here, guys? 55. Okay. My mom came

from a family of 15. That tops Diane. She Yeah, she had 10 sisters and five brothers 15. My mom's

the only the last one alive. Now, this woman that I drove her crazy.

I've been taking care of my mom for over 35 years. And that's been a blessing, though. At times,

I've felt like pushing in front of a train. But to be honest, but God gives me that, you know,

God gave me these kids, my God gave me this wife, I mean, for me to take care of them and be able to

do it. I have an aunt Agnes real quick here. After high school, I went over and her son's

actually with the Hells Angels and everything. But we were, we were drinking, carrying on in

her garage. And anyway, I was playing with matches type of stuff. And you know, making pipe

bombs. And I was playing with matches type of stuff. And you know, making pipe bombs. And I was

anyway, I got her garage and part of her kitchen caught on fire. And that aunt hated me forever for

it. My mom's sister and she goes, Oh, you you know, you set my house on fire. I said I didn't

set your house on fire was the garage in the kitchen. I'm a contractor. I know what I said

on fire. So anyway, and I tried throughout time, I tried to make my amends with her. I sent her on

cruises with my mom, you know, I flew her countless times out here. And she still hated me, you know.

But

years and years later, she finally moved out here and stayed was living with my mom. And then she

got married and all that. And I mean, her husband died, and she was alone. And, you know, I would

take care of her financially and help her and all that. And she contracted pancreatic cancer. And

man, what a brutal freaking disease. So the last four, the last eight weeks of her life.

My mom is 91. So I brought her to stay with me. You know, I got my wife and I got out and slept in

another bedroom, gave her the master bedroom, yanked the bed, put the medical bed in and the

oxygen generator and the rest of the stuff that goes with it. And the last eight weeks of her

life, she stayed with me. And I was fortunate enough to do that. Near the end there, the last

two weeks were sort of gruesome. I would sleep on the floor of the master bedroom with her. My wife

would be in the other bedroom and she had to go to the bathroom. I'd carry her, put her in the

bathroom, get my wife to go do the thing. Then I'd carry her back and put her in bed, you know.

And one time I was carrying her out and she goes, oh, you know, Leonard, you've been my angel,

that. But I haven't forgotten you burnt my house down. I felt like going, you know. So even on the

way out, she gave me a kick. But and once again, you know, I was blessed to do that. My kids,

it was a good lesson for the kids. You know, this was around six, seven years ago. My kids are in

their twenties and one's out of college and one's in college. But it was good for my, I always taught

my kids that death is part of life, you know, and you, you know, it was, you have to see this and

then this is the way it goes, you know. But I was able to be there. If I was drinking and using,

I couldn't take care of my mom. I couldn't take care of myself. I wouldn't be able to be there

with my Aunt Agnes. I wouldn't be able to do anything, man. I was a mess. I was a mess,

you know. I would be in prison or dead. I've been there. So it would be, I would be dead

probably by now, assuming I'm out in the streets. So, so I'm very grateful to this program. I really

am. You know, I try to, for me, the road gets a little narrower. I have to take a look at my

intentions. And when I do things, I know that I've asked God to remove a lot of my character faults,

but I don't know if I'm willing for him to remove all of them. It's sort of interesting how that's

the next step. That would be the hard work is you could ask God to remove it, but you've got to be

willing to let him take it out of you. And that may require some work. And there's a lot of things

I'm working on that way. You know, I've been sober for over 25 years, but there's, because I was a

real mess. So there's still some stuff I need to discard. And I try to, I pray, you know, I get up

in the morning. I pray before I go to bed. I pray. I thank God for the life he's given me.

And, but look, man, I have moments that I pull inside that house. I live in a nice neighborhood.

I got a beautiful house. And I said, if I have to walk through that freaking door again,

I'm going to blow my brains out, you know, and then I walk inside the door and there's a lot of

commotion going on. There's kids and friends and TVs are on and everything else. And then I

realized how fortunate I am. You know, this Thanksgiving we had, I think like 15 people

at the house and my wife cooked, you know, here's the thing, freaking women. I still don't understand

women. You know, I bought this stove, man, that you got to go to college to use. And, you know,

and my wife got this roast, like it's $140 worth of roast. And you got a probe, you stick on this

thing and it's got a display. And I said, why are you,

she goes, well, I said, what's the matter? She goes, I'm cooking this roast. I said, okay,

why are you stressing? She goes, I don't want to burn it. And I said, what about the probe and

the rest of the stuff that we paid for? So you, that doesn't happen. And I said,

it's not your first roast either. It's not like you and I cooking one, you know,

I can understand that. It was like, you know, and she's stressing everything out,

but made a beautiful dinner and every, you know, I'd said, you know, I shouldn't,

might've sort of bought a Weber barbecue, but, you know, and I, and we had a, we,

we have a long table. We got another table and my wife was sitting way the hell at the end of the

other one. And when people are carrying on, it said grace and people are carrying on and stuff.

And then from the corner of my eye, I caught Tina looking at me and I, I want to, because

been together a long time. You talk just by looking at each other. And, and I looked at her

like, what are you going to point out? Somebody's growing horns or something. That's what I'm

expecting. And, you know, and she just had a nice smile. So all of that was done by Alcoholics

Anonymous, not by me. I may have paid for it, but it would have never happened. And I said,

it would have never happened. It would have never happened. You know, my cousins wouldn't

have been there. The family up the street that came down, Carlos, he was the guitar player in

the band. And I've known him from the days of New York. He was there with his family. And like I

said, it looked like a hallway, the table and everybody's eating, everybody's having a good

time. And I would have missed all of that. I would have missed every bit of the good things that has

happened. You know, my mom, everybody's there, you know, and I have to get up and take my mom

back to her house. You know, my mom lives alone. I have to get up and take my mom back to her house.

But I see her three days a week. People from the church check in with her. So I've been truly

blessed, man. All I could say for somebody here is if Alcoholics Anonymous could keep a freak

animal like me sober, it could definitely keep you guys sober. I'm going to thank you for having

me. God bless you.