Kim's Journey: From an East Coast Alcoholic Home to Sobriety

- Hi, my name is Kim and I am an alcoholic.

I love that I can hide behind this thing.

Like it really, it's like I can talk like this.

I don't feel so exposed for some reason.

Sometimes you stand in front of the room

and there's like a podium and you're like,

you feel very exposed.

This one I feel like I can really hide behind.

So thank you for that.

Deep breath.

I knew I was gonna take this off as soon as I got up here

because I got a flash from the nerves.

Thank you.

Yeah, thank you for asking me to come out

and share my experience, strength, and hope.

And letting me participate in my sobriety and welcome.

I, this is still really weird.

Okay, there I go.

I have a sobriety date.

February 24th, 2008.

I have a sponsor and she knows she's my sponsor.

And I say that because I've heard that somewhere

and I was like, oh, that's a really, you know,

it's a good thing that your sponsor knows

that she's sponsoring you.

And my sponsor has a sponsor,

which I think is really important too.

I grew up in Pennsylvania.

I'm an East Coast girl

and I definitely was raised in an alcoholic home.

Both of my parents loved to drink and party,

but I didn't, like growing up,

I didn't know it was an alcoholic home.

Like I just thought this was how people live.

You know, my dad drank every single day,

every night when he got home.

Still to this day, he has a rotor.

Get in the car from work and he has a rotor.

Whenever he gets in his car,

he has a beer between his legs.

It's a rotor.

I mean, it's just something that he does.

Rotor, oh, is that an East Coast thing?

I don't know.

Yeah, it was a rotor.

Like he went, he didn't go anywhere without a rotor.

Still doesn't, it's so weird to me.

Anyway, I did not know that my dad was an alcoholic

and I did not know that I was living in dysfunction.

But you know, now with,

after reading the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

when I read the doctor's opinion,

I was like, oh wow, yeah, that's alcoholism.

And I did not believe I was an alcoholic

because I didn't drink like my dad

or drink like really anybody that I was related to, you know.

My dad drank every night and he drank and got really wasted

and my mom and dad would fight viciously.

And growing up, I didn't meet my dad till I was seven.

My parents did not get together.

They weren't allowed to be together.

So my dad's family kind of shipped him off

and my mom had me and she had another baby by him

and he was put up for adoption.

So I met my dad when I was seven

and I'm finding out now that I had a sister

that was put up for adoption that I didn't know at the time

until about two years ago.

So I share this with you because all of these things

I'm finding out in sobriety and it's so crazy to me

because I thought I had a really close relationship

with my mom and I probably did.

I mean, I'm not saying that this information

makes me not have a good relationship with my mom,

but I felt like she was my best friend.

She was my drinking buddy.

I told her everything.

I thought she told me everything.

And she did, as I come to understand now,

the more sober that I am, she did the best she could do

with the tools she had, right?

Like, and I respect her so much for that,

for keeping me and I wanna thank the both of you

for your stories, for your shares.

I related a lot to them.

I think I drank pretty normally.

Like I went to keg parties on the weekends.

I was a gymnast and a cheerleader.

So I kind of lived that double life of partied

at keg parties and then I still went to gymnastics

and I competed in gymnastics.

And it wasn't until my senior year that my coach said

to me, could you please not drink this coming weekend

because you reek of alcohol?

And I was like, oh yeah, sure, I won't.

No worries, no worries.

But you know, looking back on that,

I don't think that's something that a high school coach

should probably be saying to her 16 or 17 year old gymnast.

Looking back on that now.

Anyway, I'm gonna pause for a minute

and just take a deep breath because.

So I thought I was drinking pretty normally.

However, I did have an older boyfriend

that I think the first time I ever drank,

the first time I ever got drunk was actually the first time

I ever drank and I blacked out.

So that might be a clue that I would be an alcoholic.

Not to me then, but now like duh, who drinks and blacks out

and then continues to live like that the rest of their life?

I mean, it's kind of baffling to me now thinking about it.

But I didn't drink like that my whole life.

Like there were periods of time that I controlled

and enjoyed my drinking.

It wasn't something that like I drank from high school

until, you know, I decided to get sober.

I mean, I went, I had a job, I got married.

I have had a child.

We moved out here from Pennsylvania.

I moved out here from, I'm sorry, from Florida.

I met my husband in Florida.

We lived in Florida for 15 years before moving out here.

But I met my husband in Florida.

I was a hairdresser, I did his hair.

And, you know, I just thought it was normal.

We would go out every weekend.

I was probably one of the only girls

that went out with all of his guy friends

and we would party every weekend.

I mean, I didn't think that was a big deal, right?

I was the only girl, which I don't,

I mean, looking back on it now, I don't know.

I just felt like that was okay too.

And I guess I didn't black out every time I drank,

but most of the time I did.

And it was never an issue.

Like I didn't think it was at the time.

Looking back on it, the day we got married,

I was so nervous and I just did not want

to walk down the aisle and be a blubbering idiot

standing up there saying my vows to my husband.

So my friend was like, "You should take a Valium."

And I'm like, "Well, I don't wanna take one

the day of my wedding.

Let me try one the day before,

because I wanna know what I'm gonna feel like.

Like, I don't wanna just pop something

and not know what I'm gonna feel like."

So I took that Valium the day before.

I know this is a medium alcoholics anonymous.

Drugs are a part of my story.

However, I absolutely, my drug of choice is alcohol.

It's the easier, softer way for me.

But this Valium was like, I really liked how quickly

and without having the breath,

like the smell of alcohol on my breath,

I loved how it made me feel.

Like it just literally, it was like that glass of wine

without the glass of wine.

And my shoulder just went from like being like this to,

and I like walked down the aisle.

It was on the sand.

And I just remember thinking, "Oh yeah, I like this."

And then of course I drank and drank and drank and drank

after that, because I mean,

I didn't take the Valium to like get messed up.

I just wanted to chill out, right?

Drank so much on my wedding night.

All of my friends stayed up all night long.

My family too.

We slept out on a beach chair on the ocean.

My husband and I woke up in the middle of the night

and it was like, you know, all dewy, misty.

This is in Florida.

And I just thought, "Oh, this is normal."

And he left the next day to come out to California.

And he gave me two days of his life for our wedding

because he was working and he was working on a show

in Florida and then he was coming out here

to start a new show.

And I, again, thought nothing of it, no big deal.

But it's interesting how we pick our partners that,

like he's not always there and he's still not always there.

And it works for our, it works for us.

But it's interesting how even back then,

like it wasn't apparent to me that,

"Oh, he's not gonna be around.

And that's gonna be a great marriage

because he's not gonna be there.

And I'm gonna be able to drink and do what I want,

when I want, how much I want.

And he's not gonna even know."

So we continued to live like that.

We moved out here when I was pregnant,

six months with our son.

And I think that's really when my drinking career kicked in

because my family lived in Florida.

I was really close to my mom and dad.

And I lived like within minutes of walking to them.

And we moved out here and my husband went straight to work,

you know, 14 hour days and I was lonely.

And I felt isolated and I couldn't wait

for him to leave for work so that I could drink.

Alcohol was my best friend.

It was like, it just did for me

what I could not do for myself.

Like it just, it was, I took a sip

and I drank and drank and drank

and he would come home and be kind of disgusted with me

because I guess I'd be really wasted

or passed out or incoherent or whatever.

And you know, for a few years,

he never said anything to me about it.

At least my recollection,

he never said anything to me about it.

And that's when my, like I drank every single day,

every weekend, I would put my son to sleep and just drink.

That was my life, drinking, sleeping, eating, drinking.

I mean, it was just kind of pathetic.

Then my next little, my next little level of alcoholism

really kicked in when my mom died.

And I really related to what was shared earlier.

I was in so much pain physically, mentally,

obviously spiritually that all that I could do was drink

and take pills to numb my feelings.

I didn't want to feel anything.

I did not want to feel good, bad.

I didn't want to feel my toe hurt.

I, you know, I didn't want to,

if I had a headache, no matter what.

So for me, I just drank to oblivion every single day.

And I was in a car accident

and I really don't remember it

other than I was sitting there and when I came to,

I saw the flashing lights behind me in my car

and I was just sitting there

and I remember I had a coffee cup

'cause it was like 11 o'clock in the morning.

I had just dropped off our son at school

and my coffee went all over the dash.

And I was like, oh wow, I guess those fire trucks

and police are here for me.

And I'm like, oh wow, yeah, I'm in a,

I was in a car accident on Ventura Boulevard,

right in front of this yellow balloon kid's

hair cutting place and I do not remember calling AAA.

I don't remember, I don't remember anything.

The next thing that I remember is being at home

and locking myself in my room.

And I don't know how I managed to get ahold of someone

to pick up our son from school, bring him home.

I locked myself in the bedroom.

I wouldn't let my husband in.

I was just, I was just so embarrassed

that I had just wrecked, totaled our car.

And it was minutes after I had dropped off my son at school

and I was like, waking up out of that,

I was so disgusted with myself,

but not disgusted of course enough to stop drinking then.

So, you know, that's just how I drank.

I drank to blot out my feelings, I guess.

I mean, yeah, I just drank to cover up things.

I'm just trying to kind of qualify as an alcoholic

that like I drank like maybe some of you did, I don't know.

Another memory that I have of my drinking

was waking up in my car, I don't even remember where I was,

but I woke up and I was in my passenger seat

and I was like, what the, where am I?

And calling my husband and being like,

I just woke up and I'm at my friend's.

And he's like, I've been looking for you forever.

I'm so worried about you.

I'm like, I'm fine, I'm at so-and-so's house

and I'll be home as soon as like we have plans,

we're going sleigh riding up in the mountains.

And I'm like, oh God, with the kids and families.

And I'm like, I can't handle this.

But I went home and I snuck a little thing of vodka.

I'll never forget.

And I like went in the bathroom

and like chugged this little thing of vodka

just so that I could deal with driving up to the mountains.

And then we had to go get like a sticker in your car

to go in to the Frasier mountains.

I don't remember exactly, but when we went into this,

I don't know, into this store,

they had little bottles of alcohol

and I grabbed a tomato juice and I was like,

oh yeah, I'm going to get a tomato juice

and I'm going to get two of those vodkas.

I'm going to take some of the tomato juice.

And like, I had it planned out.

I could not physically or mentally deal with

being around my husband, his friends, their kids, my kids.

I was just like, I can't do this.

I had to have alcohol in my system.

I was like, I chugged one of the little bottles of vodka

and then I drank the other one afterward or in my, in that.

And I was like, again,

then I could deal with life on life's terms, I guess.

I mean, thank God today, that's not my life.

I didn't get, I went to my first AA meeting

two or three days after that car accident.

And I had met a girl, I went to yoga teacher training

and I had met a girl in this yoga teacher training

that was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I did not know she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

She was simply a girl that listened to me

in my drunken stupors.

I would call her and tell her what was going on.

And she never shared with me that she was sober.

And what I find so compelling about this woman is that,

I mean, probably for two years, she just listened to me.

And I remember her saying things to me like,

I wish I could drink like that.

And why can't you?

I mean, just thinking, I didn't bother to ask her

why she couldn't, I was probably so self-absorbed, right?

That I didn't care why she couldn't drink like that.

But I also noticed that every weekend she was like,

went to picnics and had all these friends

and she was always answering the phone.

Oh yeah, we're going to celebrate so-and-so's birthday

and never talk about attraction rather than promotion.

I mean, she was such an example of this program

and she turned out to be my Eskimo as they call it.

And then she also ended up being my first sponsor.

So she brought me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous

and it was a woman's meeting on like,

I think it was in Burbank Boulevard.

The meeting is not in the same location,

but it's still there.

It was a Tuesday night women's meeting.

And I remember walking into that room

well, before I left to go to the meeting,

my husband was like, I said, oh, I'm just too tired.

I don't think I'm going to go tonight.

And he's like, you had better go somewhere

because you're not staying here.

And I was like, whoa.

I was thinking to myself, he's serious.

Wow, I better go.

Go to this meeting.

And I walked in and I was like, you know,

I have my hat on and I just remember walking in

and everyone was in a circle and I was like,

go to the back of the room, you know,

the back of the circle with my hat on and my glasses.

And I was like, oh,

their life is all that I could think of.

I was like, oh no.

And I had really never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I mean, I had, you know, I grew up in a really small town

and my dad, I think had several DUIs.

He wrecked many vehicles.

I remember my mom picking him up several times

where his Jeep would be like literally driven

into a tree and he would come home like his face bleeding.

And like, I could, I never, I was like, wow,

this is kind of crazy.

He's a crazy drinker.

But never, it was never talked about.

sobriety was just never talked about.

It was not in the vocabulary where I grew up in Pennsylvania.

I mean, it just wasn't.

People just drank.

They were serious alcoholics, I guess.

And I lost my train of thought, sorry.

So I'm in this meeting and I started listening

to Women's Share and I really related

to what these women were, their feelings.

And I was like, wow, I kind of feel like that too.

And I don't want to say that I sat in that meeting

and felt like I was at home.

That was not my experience, my first AA meeting.

And I don't know if it was my first,

it wasn't my experience for a little while,

because again, I did not believe I was alcoholic.

It wasn't until Joy read the book with me.

She went through that big book of Alcoholics Anonymous

from the very beginning of the book,

through each page she read with me.

I met with her once a week

and we read for several hours actually.

And when I read that doctor's opinion,

I knew the gig was up.

I was like that I'm an alcoholic.

That was the first time in my life.

And I was 39 years old.

And it was the first time I ever tried to get sober.

And I was not convinced that I needed to quit drinking.

I was convinced that I needed to get my husband off my back.

I needed to get the heat off of me.

And I was gonna learn how to drink like a lady.

Because I mean,

that's why I thought I was coming to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was like, there is no way these people don't ever drink.

They're too happy.

They're having way too much fun.

I was like, they're all liars.

Uh-uh, there's no way that this is alcohol,

these people are sober.

So I forget where, at what point my sponsor said to me,

maybe she didn't even say something to me about it.

I just remember making the decision

to do this for one year.

I was gonna do this for one year.

And like, I read the steps and the traditions

and I thought, okay, well, I'll do that one and that one,

but I'm not doing that one.

And never in a million years did I think

that I would go through one through 12 steps.

I was like, there is no way I'm gonna go through all that.

And thank God, thank God I did.

Because it has been my experience,

that that has given me a new life.

It has given me, I have learned more about myself,

good and bad, through walking through those steps

with my sponsor than I would have cared to know.

But I am so grateful that I've had that experience.

And it says, the 12 steps of alcoholics,

and it says that's, I mean, that's our program.

It's not not drinking.

I also remember, I'm gonna backtrack here for a second.

Before my friend Joy would sponsor me, she said,

are you willing to go to any lengths?

And I was like, okay, yeah, sure.

I didn't know what that meant.

And then she said, I want you to get this book.

It's called "Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers."

And she said, I want you to order this book and read it.

And when you're finished, call me.

And then we can talk and I'm like,

oh, this is like homework, I don't know.

I got the book and I think it took me a good month

to read that book.

It was pretty dry, but I highly recommend it.

And what she said to me was, I'm like,

why do I have to read this?

And she's like, listen, if you're gonna join something,

don't you wanna know what you're joining?

And I'm like, okay, sure.

I didn't really wanna join anything.

I just wanted people to get off my back about drinking.

So I highly recommended that book,

"Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers."

And I lost my train of thought again, I'm sorry.

So I read that book and we went through the steps

and I am grateful for strong sponsorship.

I am grateful to be sober today.

I wasn't so grateful in the beginning.

And I think I went, I forgot to mention anything

about my childhood that I did go to Catholic school.

I was a good Catholic girl.

And I was brought up with the fear of God

and that punishing God that is no longer my God.

I have found a God of my understanding.

And for me, my God changes on a daily basis.

But I also loved when I went through that step

with my sponsor and how she had me put on one side

of the piece of paper, what my God was today.

And on the other side of the piece of paper,

what I would want my God to be.

And it was one of the, Alcoholics Anonymous

isn't somewhere that we, isn't something that we do.

It's not somewhere that we go.

Like Alcoholics Anonymous is a way of life.

Like this is, I can't imagine being anywhere else

on a Saturday night.

Like I'm so grateful for my friends that drove me here,

that came out to this meeting with me.

I don't get to see them very often,

but what an honor to have two women

that want to spend a Saturday night with me

and pick me up and take me somewhere.

I mean, and they don't want anything for it.

Like it's just so, it's this program of Alcoholics Anonymous

has been, it's given me a life.

And I don't want to say beyond my wildest dreams

because really I don't, I didn't have a dream.

Like I don't, I didn't know what I was doing.

I was just, you know, going through life drinking

and doing drugs and I was a party girl

and having a good time.

Now, you know, and I did, I enjoyed drinking.

Like I had a lot of fun.

There were times in between all of those bad times

that I enjoyed it and had a lot of fun.

And I too, I don't think I ever left my house

without drinking.

I like to call it, it was a social lubricant for me.

I didn't, I don't know if I was shy.

I just was very scared of people.

I, you know, I was so in my ego and wanted to make sure

that whatever came out of my mouth that you would like me.

I was, you know, such a people pleaser

and would do anything because it's what I,

what you would want me to do

or what I thought I should do or what, you know,

in school, what they told me I should be doing.

And not for, I would not give, I would not,

I don't even know how to say it.

So I'm not, I can't say it, but like my worst day sober,

I would take it any day over my best drunk, any, any day.

I had, my son was five when I got sober and, you know,

thank God, I don't,

he says that he doesn't remember me drinking.

Like I didn't, you know, I usually,

I was good about not drinking and, you know,

being intoxicated until after he went to sleep at night.

But I do know that I have a daughter that's,

she just turned seven.

And so I have been sober her whole life.

And I definitely noticed the difference between parenting,

my five-year-old, well, zero to five.

And then my daughter, like I'm so much more present.

And when I got sober and went to things for my son,

I would, I just could not stop crying.

Like I would sit at stupid things with him

and just look and be like in awe of the fact

that this is someone that my husband and I have,

like this person comes from me.

Like, how did I do that?

And how are they like, like it's, it's fascinating.

It's, it's a miracle that like, it's just a miracle.

And then to have a daughter,

to have someone mirror you when you were that age

is also really enlightening.

And she is my, like, I just learned so much from her.

I'm so grateful that I'm sober to parent.

I do say at least once a week,

no wonder my grandmother drank vodka

first thing in the morning.

Like that was my grandmother.

I didn't know it until way later on,

but she would have a glass of what I thought was water,

ice water next to the refrigerator and a straw.

And she would like stand there and, you know,

sip on her water and drink,

smoke her cigarette in the kitchen.

And I thought nothing of it to find out

that my grandmother got up in the morning

and drank straight vodka.

And I'm like, she had four kids.

She had my mom, my mom's older brother.

And then she had another family when her dad died.

She had two more boys.

And one of them, my uncle is sober 18 years.

And I just laugh all the time because I'm like,

I know why people drink.

I know if I could drink without,

drink like a normal person, I don't know.

I don't know that I would.

I have, there's no reason for me to drink.

I never enjoyed a glass of wine.

I was never in to having a glass of wine

to sip a glass of wine.

I mean, I don't know about any of you,

but there was nothing, that's disgusting.

That wine is disgusting.

Like I drank because I like the effects

produced by that alcohol.

There was nothing.

I mean, and I probably did drink glamorously sometimes.

I don't know.

My mom drank beer her whole life out of a wine glass.

She would drink her beer out of a wine glass.

I mean, talk about glamorizing alcohol.

I mean, yeah, anyway, but I do drink bubbling water,

bubbly water.

So now I kind of like the very thin lip.

It's nothing to do with the glass, whatever,

that it's a wine glass.

I just like the thin lip of the glass.

I can't see what time it is from here,

but I think I have more time.

And I, I'm just now relaxing.

So thank you for, thank you so much for having me here.

And I'm grateful for my, I'm grateful for my sobriety.

I'm grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm grateful for my sponsor.

I'm grateful for Dr. Bob and the good old timers.

And I never thought I would say this.

I will be 12 in February.

I never thought I would say I love AA.

I love what AA has done for me,

but I also share with you that AA has done for me,

but also you have to, we have to walk this walk too, right?

Like I was listening to someone speak on Wednesday morning

at a meeting that I've been going to.

And she was talking about, I mean,

she has like 40 something years talking

about long-term sobriety and how, you know,

each time she goes through her steps,

like the layers of, you know,

she was talking about how she just goes deeper and deeper.

And I'm like, I'm also glad that like,

we get to come here and I feel like I learned something

every single day, whether it's in my daily reflections,

whether it's in my, I mean,

I read a bunch of different things in the morning.

I love when I start my day off with prayer meditation,

even if it's five minutes,

but if I read something and then I sit quiet

for a few minutes,

it is amazing how much better my day goes

when I give my day up to somebody else,

because me running the show, it's not, it doesn't look good.

It's not good.

It's not a good, it's not a good day most of the time.

And I have to go back there so many times, you know,

I have to let it go and give it to God

and all of those great slogans that I have written down

in all of my books.

And I think you have some of them up here.

Like there's just so many, so many nuggets of truth

and just, you get to learn so much here.

I hope that all of you have another 24 hours of sobriety.

You don't have to drink if you don't,

if you don't want to ever feel like that,

you don't ever have to drink again.

And thank God it's a one day at a time program.

Like it's just for today, right?

I'm going through some stuff with my family.

I have a brother that lives out here and you were speaking,

someone was speaking of the Visions, or not Visions,

Tarzana Treatment Center.

And I have a younger brother that was out here

and was trying to help him out.

And he ended up back in treatment.

And I just had to go through some pretty big things

with my brother and in my marriage.

Because when these things happen,

you kind of have to share them with your husband.

And he did not want my brother to be around.

And I let him come to our house for Thanksgiving

because I thought, well, he hasn't been around

for four years.

He's been in jail.

And I thought, we had family in town.

I'm like, just let him come to the house for three nights,

right?

He needs to have a Thanksgiving.

He needs some hope also, right?

And so as it turns out, he took my engagement ring

and pawned it.

And it's not the first time he's pawned something of mine,

but it's the first time he's pawned something of mine

and I've been sober.

And I took it really personally.

Imagine that.

But what I love about where I am today is that

I was able to walk through that with dignity and grace

and share that with my husband and say, what should I do?

I'd like to go kill him.

I'd like to call the cops.

I actually went to my husband and asked him

what he would want me to do.

And I have never, if my husband tells me to do something,

I usually do the opposite.

And if he tells me not to do something,

I'm for sure doing it.

So for me to do that, there's just been this psychic change

that every once in a while I see it and I'm just like,

I stand back and I'm like, who are you?

Where does that come from?

Comes from Alcoholics Anonymous, from God,

from walking the walk and talking the talk.

And yeah, so I got my ring back

and I didn't have to cause any wreckage with my brother.

Like I did it.

I just said, hey, you need to meet me at the pawn shop

and get my ring back.

And I got my ring back and I haven't talked to him since then

and that's fine too.

But for me to not drink over something like that

or not, like I was beside myself.

I wanted to, I didn't want to feel that.

I didn't want to go through that.

I didn't want to feel the pain and the, you know,

I've also learned here too not to take it personally.

Like had nothing to do with me,

had everything to do with him, right?

And when I can get out of myself for just a little bit,

it's a gift because I definitely relate

to the committees in your head.

But now I don't have to stay there as long as I used to.

So thank you again for having me, and yeah, another 24 to you.