Marty's Journey: From Restless Childhood to Sober Life

Now I would like to introduce our main speaker, Marty L.

Hi, my name is Marty and I'm an alcoholic.

First, I'd like to thank Alex for asking me to come out here.

He asked me a long time ago, but I wasn't quite sure about when I could make it.

I had a knee replacement and didn't know when I'd be able to walk around.

And thank God, today it's great.

Bionic knee.

I'd like to thank the first 10-minute speakers, Veronica and Nate.

I identified with a lot of what you guys said and I'll just begin with my story.

If I stay sober for another 12 days, I'll have 23 years, February 13th is my sobriety day.

And I'll tell you, I'm standing in front of you.

I never thought that I would get any sort of time or any sort of sobriety.

And I know a lot of you have heard it many times,

but I have to say that everything that's good in my life today

is a direct consequence of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Direct.

As I look back, obviously, we look back at our lives the way that they used to be.

And it's unbelievable.

And again, I've heard many, many people say that the life that I have today,

I could not diagram for myself years ago.

I just could not because I always thought that I wanted something different, something else.

I wouldn't say better, but something different.

And today, this is what fits, you know, this is what fits me.

And it's unbelievable where I was, what happened and where I am today is just a miracle.

It really is.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a miracle.

And my standing in front of you is a miracle.

The thing that really caught me when I was 12 step,

the thing that really caught me and really was the hook for Alcoholics Anonymous for me was,

is that there's nothing wrong with me.

It's just that I have a disease called alcoholism because growing up, I was restless,

irritable and discontent the minute I was born, the minute I was born.

You know, my mother says that I was a colicky baby and this and that.

But I remember my childhood.

I got to be honest with you, I don't know that I can even call it a childhood, you know,

because I was so busy measuring and weighing stuff in life.

You know, I have, I'm the oldest of five boys.

And anytime we got something, anytime was dinner time or something special or holiday

time and we got gifts and stuff, I always looked over to see if I got my share.

I got what was coming to me.

Why was his piece of cake bigger?

This is how I spent my entire childhood doing stuff like that.

I mean, I didn't enjoy the moment because I was busy, busy measuring and weighing and

seeing whatever else everybody else has.

And I really spent most of my time like that.

And like, I think it was Veronica who said it, but my first higher power was what you

thought of me.

That was my first higher power.

And I, I sought that every waking minute of my life.

I sought that out.

I wanted you to like me.

I wanted you to like me.

So I had to do this.

I wanted you to like me.

So I had to do that.

I wanted you to like me.

I had to wear this.

I wanted you to like me.

I had to do something else.

And it was tiresome.

It was really tiresome.

Only when I got to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous did I really have a relationship

with Marty.

I was really the first time and it didn't happen overnight.

There wasn't just a switch that was turned on.

You know, it took a while to, to develop who I was and to see who I was and see, you know,

when you take an inventory, you see your pluses and your minuses.

You see your good stuff and your bad stuff.

And at that point I was able to really put together who I was and I was able to see what

I wanted in life.

I always wanted what you wanted me to have.

That's no way to live.

That's no way to live.

So growing up, I was a restless, irritable kid and always getting into trouble because

I sought attention, mostly negative attention.

You know, in school I was a class clown and see, I was always very fortunate.

I have a brother who's around 11 months younger than me and he's brilliant and talented.

He can draw, he can play musical instruments.

He never had a study for tests.

But the good news was, is that he was one grade behind me and they never wanted us in

the same grade.

That's the only reason why I was promoted every year because we went to the same school

and they didn't want us in the same grade.

So I got promoted and I got to tell you, I thought I was a dumb kid, you know, and that's

how I live my life.

Like I was a dumb kid.

I didn't do well on tests because I didn't study.

I didn't do well in school because I couldn't sit through it.

I used to jump out of windows, you know, as a kid in school and get into all sorts of

trouble.

I spent more time in the hall in the principal's office than I did in the classroom.

So I wasn't really, but I always thought I was dumb and, you know, this is, this is my

lot in life and this is the way my life is going to be.

And, you know, I kind of accepted it and I went through life that way.

And you really don't make good decisions with that kind of attitude.

And what happened was, you know, it's the same thing in high school.

We went to the same high school.

So I went, I was, you know, graduated or advanced every year, a grade.

And then I went on to college.

The thing is, is that my father was an alcoholic.

My father was an alcoholic, but we didn't know it.

And I didn't know it was called an alcoholic in those days.

I didn't just, I didn't know how to express it.

He would come home from work and he would drink.

And when I finally, when I used to go to work with him, I used to drink before he left work

at night to come home.

And he always drank and we used to sit together, you know, I'm Jewish.

And so the Sabbath was important to us.

We at the table 15, 20 minutes into the meal, he was passed out already.

You know, he fell asleep in the chicken soup, you know, and that's the way it was.

But I didn't know any different.

I didn't know any different until I started having friends over.

I started having friends over and then I would go over to their house and their father wouldn't

pass out, you know, and that's kind of strange, you know, and the police used to come to our

house because my mother and him used to get into these loud, loud fights on Friday nights.

But I thought that was normal.

I didn't know any better.

And unfortunately, unfortunately, I picked up on how to be a good husband from him, you

know, and that was one of my character defects.

But this is what I saw growing up.

And he was an alcoholic and he used to just always pass out and yell and scream.

And that's what I saw.

And that's what I saw growing up.

And I thought that everything in the house was my fault.

They used to fight, you know, at night when we used to go to sleep and I used to be upstairs

in my bedroom with my brother and they would be yelling at each other and I thought it

was my fault, you know, and that's the way it was.

So my childhood was kind of like, you know, I was robbed, you know, but I can't make up

any excuses for that.

But this is basically how I went through life, okay, and decided, you know, I went to college

and then I decided, you know, I want to get out of the house so let's get married.

So I found a woman, I took her hostage and we got married and we had a child and we got

divorced and I moved out to California.

I was brought up in New York and, you know, but I brought me with me.

So it was no different out there.

So now I'm single, you know, living in San Francisco and little life is great, you know,

but still I'm doing the same stuff, you know, I'm drinking, I'm drinking like, I had no

problem - the first thing I did when I built my office in San Francisco, you know, they

give you a building allowance when you lease space.

The first thing I did is build a bar and I made sure that we had enough alcohol in there

and, you know, before I would leave work I would always, you know, take a couple shots

of bourbon, that was my alcoholic choice and then I would go home.

And on the weekends you didn't see me from Friday, from Friday afternoon till Monday

morning nobody saw me.

I also did other substances, you know, and that was it, that was my life.

And then I decided, you know, it's about time to get married again, why not?

So I took another hostage, this time I had four children, my drinking really increased.

And, you know, that marriage didn't last, you know, it lasted I think 13 years and that

was about it.

But, you know, I don't blame either one of my wives, you know, as far as I'm concerned,

you know, I have to take most of the responsibility for the breakups, you know, I never should

be married, I never should have been married then, I mean I didn't have, I didn't have

anything to bring to a relationship.

I was selfish and self-centered, I had nothing whatsoever to bring to a relationship and

that was it, you know, can't blame them.

Of course I blamed them for years but that's what it was.

And I knew nothing about Alcoholics Anonymous, never heard about Alcoholics Anonymous, nothing,

never ever saw anything about Alcoholics Anonymous until, you know, many, many years later.

What happened was is that I ran into somebody, his name was Ron Acosta, I don't know if

anybody knows him.

Ron Acosta was a longtime member of the Pacific group and I ran into Ron Acosta in December

1993 and we're walking and talking and he's trying to tell me that maybe Marty, maybe

you have a problem with alcohol.

And I looked at him and I said, you know, Ron, I don't know what your deal is but, you

know, I drink, it's not a problem.

I never put calamity and alcohol together but they always went together, you know, they

always went together.

And we used to walk and talk and, you know, he's trying to convince me because he was

in the ANA program and he was trying to convince me that I was an alcoholic and I resisted.

I resisted because I don't like labels.

So, we used to walk and used to walk around this baseball field a lot and, you know, he

would tell me, you know, his story about, you know, his life and how he ended up drinking

and his wife left him with two kids and then he remarried and, you know, I started seeing

some of the similarities.

But then he told me, you know, this is about a few months of walking and then he tells

me, he says, Marty, you know, I used to go to meetings and I went to meetings and I used

to go to five meetings a week and we used to, I said he belonged to a Pacific group,

he used to go to moves and to birthday parties and to watches and he was very, very active.

He said that he was extremely active in this group and that, you know, five meetings a

week and all this stuff, you know, I said to him, I said, Ron, I don't know about you

but it looks like you just don't have a life and he looked up at me.

And at that moment, a little light went on because that conversation took place on the

two yard of the California men's colony up in San Luis Obispo and I was looking at him

and telling him that he didn't have a life and I did.

And what happened was is that with all my drinking, with all my craziness, because,

you know, obviously drinking is just my solution for my problems.

It's not really the problem in and of itself.

The problem is up here.

And what happened was is that I got myself into a little bit of trouble and I ended up

committing a crime and I was sentenced to the California men's colony for seven years.

And you only do half time, so it's not so bad if you get a job.

And that's where that conversation took place.

And I'll tell you how God comes into play in everything.

And I only saw it afterwards.

I only saw it many years afterwards.

Ron was in prison because he sold the same building to too many people at the same time.

And so he was in prison and he was going to AA at the time when he did that.

And what happened was is that the district attorney gave him a four year deal,

which means he would only do two years.

And he went to his sponsor, his all knowing sponsor.

And his sponsor said, don't take the deal, throw yourself at the mercy of the court.

So he threw himself at the mercy of the court and they gave him five years.

Now that may sound funny, but if he would have paroled six months earlier,

I never would have met him.

I met him in December, 1993.

If he would have, if he would have gotten four years, he would have been gone by then.

And I never would have met him.

And you probably would have a different speaker tonight.

That's, that's for sure.

Cause nobody's ever told me about AA before that.

Or nobody's ever told me that my problem is alcohol or alcoholism and not, you know, not my life.

So he was really kind and gentle and he talked me through that.

And finally, when I paroled February 13th, 1997, which is my sobriety date,

I started going to meetings.

They had meetings in prison, believe it or not.

You guys look like a very straight group.

I'm sure nobody here has ever been into county jail or prison.

So, but they had meetings and it was on Wednesday nights.

It was on Wednesday nights and they used to have it in the mess hall.

And they had HNI people came in.

You know, the panels came in, happened to be one of the women who was a free person,

as we call them was, she worked in the dental office.

She was an alcoholics anonymous and we had two other people that used to come in.

I forgot the guy's name, but he was, they were great.

And I ran into them.

I made sure I saw them after I got out.

And they used to have panels that came in every Wednesday night.

And you know, I'm too hip slick and cool.

I'm in the back of the room, you know, making fun of them.

They going home to a nice hot meal and a nice warm bed.

And I'm sitting there making fun of them, you know, in the back.

Cause I'm smart, you know, this program's not for me.

It's, you know, I don't want to be lame like you, but that's what happened in the beginning.

I would just sit there and I would, you know, you know, you know, let go, let God, I would

sit down and I would make fun of them in the back of the room and tells you how smart I am.

And then about six months later, they had elections for the group.

And I ran for secretary of our prison AA group and I, and I didn't get it.

That was my first resentment in AA.

Could you imagine that they didn't, didn't elect me?

Don't they know who I am?

I'll tell you, I'll tell you the truth is that what goes on in here, I don't know about

you guys, but what goes on in here is unbelievable.

It's just unbelievable.

And thank God, thank God, not like Spock from Star Trek, that you can't do that.

And, you know, and he can transmit or, you know, the information from your head into

his or something, you know, thank God.

And, you know, it's just that this is connected to this, but there's a filter somewhere in

between because just the stuff that goes on in my head, it's unbelievable.

And one day, hopefully, I hope they don't have it where you can project on a screen

the stuff that's going on in your head.

You know, it's, that would be spooky.

That would be spooky.

So, so now I'm, you know, now I'm believing in AA, I get out and Ron is my sponsor and

I start to go to meetings.

Now to me, it's still a lame program.

You know, I'm hip slick and cool living in a one room, not a one bedroom, but a one room

where I didn't even have a kitchen.

I had to wash the dishes in the sink in the bathroom of anything I ate.

And that's, that's where I'm living, trying to find a job, you know, and it wasn't, it

wasn't so easy, but I decided I'm going to give this ANA thing a try.

So he would say, listen, Marty, I'm picking you up on the Northwest corner of Wilshire

and La Brea, be there at 550.

And he lost me because coming from New York, you don't know where Northwest anything is,

you know, just pick me up in front of the toy store, the drug store, you know, that

we know.

But so I remember the first night, I think it was the first night or a couple of nights

into it, you know, I was on the wrong corner and he just took off and went to the meeting

and said, I told you to be on that corner.

You'd be on that corner.

I tell you, you call me at seven in the morning.

You call me at seven in the morning.

And, you know, for me to take direction was, you know, was not easy.

That wasn't something I was used to, you know, because the self will run riot with me and

slowly but surely he started taking me to meetings.

We went to the Wednesday night Pacific group meeting, which was a little bit, you know,

intimidating the first couple of times I went.

But I'll tell you one thing.

I'll tell you one thing.

In February 1997, when I went to the Pacific group, I could tell you exactly what shoes

you were wearing.

I couldn't look you in the eye, but I knew what shoes you were wearing because I would

walk around like this and shake your hand.

I was just, I didn't want you to get to know me.

Okay.

Because I didn't feel good inside.

I just didn't feel good inside.

And getting into those meetings and he says, you got to walk around and shake hands, just

tell people your name and shake hands.

And I didn't want to do that because I'm afraid of people.

I don't like people.

Even today, I don't like people and I'm in sales and it's not easy.

But I started doing it and I used to see these little clicks, you know, three, four people

talking and having a good time and their hands are up in the air and they're talking about

sports or a movie or dinner or whatever it is.

You know, and I, and I envied that.

I knew I couldn't do it, but I envied that.

I envied that.

And I started going and I started going over slowly and I would put my hand out, you know,

and I was just hoping they wouldn't say, Hey buddy, what do you want?

But they're always all welcoming, all welcoming.

Nobody ever pushed me away.

Nobody ever said, this isn't your conversation.

You know, you know, we used to say on the two yard, you know, don't burglarize my conversation,

shake the spot.

And, but they didn't, everybody welcomed me in and I started to become more open and more

open and more willing.

And I started to get in those little clicks myself, you know, and I used to have conversations

about sports and dinner and movies and whatever we're doing and whatever it is.

Then after a while, guess what this head told me?

This head told me, these little conversations are kind of silly.

You know, I'm really not interested in what you got to say.

That's where I went from not being good enough to like, I'm too good for you people.

That's where I went.

And that's why I need Alcoholics Anonymous because living life is somewhere in the middle.

Okay.

Living life is somewhere in the middle and AA has always kept me straight.

So we started going through the book.

I started going through the steps.

I went to like four or five meetings a week.

I didn't go to all the stuff that he did, the watches and whatever.

I went to some of them, but nonetheless, I started getting active in the program.

The thing that kept me active in the program at first was not the program itself, but the

fellowship.

I really, really craved the fellowship, you know, seeing the same people.

And I see the same people for almost 23 years, the same people.

We have a class, we have a class banquet.

So I'm the class of 97 and every year we have a banquet.

I see the same people that I know for almost 23 years.

That's amazing friendships for 23 years.

You know, it's just unfathomable for me.

And these are the same people.

And you go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and even, you know, I mean this meeting as

well, I don't see any guns to people's heads here.

I don't see anybody being here forcibly, you know, everybody comes into the room of AA

because they want to live a better life.

They want to get a better life, you know, and even when we think we have the best life,

we still come to meetings because we know we don't, you know, and that's the thing about

Alcoholics Anonymous.

And you look around the room, I mean, you say that, you know, we just wouldn't mix.

We just wouldn't mix.

I don't wear a suit ever.

So don't think that.

Okay.

But the thing is, is that we're all here for one thing.

We're all here to get, you know, to make, to get ourselves better or to make ourselves

better.

And that's the beauty of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is that we're here with a common

cause and we have everything else in our lives.

We have, we have good times, we have bad times, we have losses.

We just had, you know, the Pacific group, there was a long, long time member.

She had 50 years sobriety, Millie G, Millie G, Millie Greenberg, 50 years of sobriety.

She, she would have been 97 on Tuesday and she passed away Thursday night.

And, but 50 years we sat, Millie and I sat at the Wednesday night meeting, I don't know,

15, 20 years together because I would help her go to the back because she took care of

coffee or whatever.

But for 15, 20 years to sit with this woman and she was fantastic.

She was this little old lady.

She always dressed well, always dressed well.

And you looked at her and you thought that she was just a pushover, but you said something.

If I used to say things to her and I'm a little bit sarcastic sometimes and she would just

check me.

She would just check me on it.

But she was, she was terrific.

She sponsored, I don't know, a hundred people.

She was just great.

She really was and it was, it's just a tremendous loss and hopefully the next couple of weeks

we'll have a memorial service.

And you'll see, she's going to have three to 400 people at her memorial.

And her, her nephew was at the house the day before she passed away.

I was there as well.

And I told him that we're going to probably have a memorial service and there's going

to be three to 400 people there.

He's not, he's not one of us.

And his mouth just dropped open.

That's what happens.

People get sick, everybody rushes to their side.

They bring food over, what can you do?

Somebody gets injured, they bring food over, what can you do?

How can I help you out?

That's what we do here in Alcoholics Anonymous.

We rally around each other because we need each other.

We need each other because this is not a me program, but it's a we program.

And that's the way it is.

And that's why I love going to meetings.

When I go to meetings, I just have a sigh of relief.

I could sit there and I can say the silliest things, you know?

And in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a guy gets up and he says he was in prison and people

laugh.

A guy gets, somebody says he's pulled out a gun and they all ran away.

And the whole room breaks out in laughter.

Try that at a PTA meeting, you know?

But that's the way it is here.

That's the way we are.

That's the music.

That's the music here in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And that's what I found here.

I found here that no matter how little I think of myself or how odd I think I am, when I

come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I feel right-sized.

I feel okay.

I feel good enough.

I feel good enough.

And hopefully I keep on going to enough meetings a week and enough meetings every year.

And when I take, when I go out into the general public, I can feel good enough too because

of that.

I take what I learn from these rooms and I practice it outside.

I practice kindness.

Well, not always, have a little bit of road rage.

But other than that, my life has turned a complete 180 degrees from a selfish individual

to somebody who puts other people first.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't like, you know, stuff or whatever, you know, but I put

other people first where I never did that.

I remember my oldest boy who is, who's 45.

Believe it or not, my oldest boy is 45 and he's a cardiologist.

When he was a kid and I was divorced and I was hip slick and cool, I have pictures of

it.

I would tell his mother that I'm coming by to pick him up.

Maybe 50% of the time I'd show up.

Maybe 50% of the time.

I don't know if anybody else in this room can identify.

50% of the time and she used to tell me he would sit by the window for you.

And today that breaks my heart even, even though we have a fantastic relationship, you

know, and he has three beautiful girls, you know, with his wife and, and I, they live

in New York and I go there often and it's just unbelievable.

It's just unbelievable how selfish I was then because alcohol and my needs to feel good

and to have a good time came before everything and anything else in my life.

That's what, that's what ran my life.

Feeling good, having fun and checking out.

And that's what I did for most of my life, even though I was a functioning alcoholic,

I went to work, but nonetheless, that's how I behaved.

Even at work, when I moved to, when I moved to Los Angeles again, you know, I moved into

a building.

I used to be in the diamond business.

That's the trouble I got into diamond embezzlement.

They also gave us, you know, we built an office and I wanted to make some changes and they

wanted to charge me.

And in those days, back in, let's see, what was it, 1987, the means of communication was

fax machine.

As that first came out, the fax machine, I think 86, it was popular or whatever it was,

87, we had fax machines.

So your fax orders back and forth.

And I remember, you know, they sent me this form.

They said you should sign it because we're charging you an extra $10,000 because you

want to make those changes.

So I didn't have any real people skills.

So I wrote F U on it.

I spelled it out and, and I faxed it back to them.

That's my means of negotiations.

So, you know, I think that, I think that Alcoholics Anonymous for me has really been, I mean,

I realized, like I said, you know, in the beginning, I realized that I'm not sick and

broken.

I'm, I just have the disease of alcoholism.

And as long as I work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that doesn't mean just coming

to meetings.

That means coming to meetings, that means, you know, working the book, working the steps,

dealing, meeting with others, you know, sponsoring people.

I have a sponsor.

I have a sponsor.

His name is Joe E and he's been my sponsor for the last 21 and a half years.

And, you know, when I get into, when it gives me direction and I don't like it, I don't

go find another sponsor.

I know a lot of people, you know, you hang around to these rooms for a number of years

and you see stuff like that.

You know, oh, you know, so-and-so told me to do this.

I'm going to get a new sponsor.

You know, I, you just got to chuckle.

You just got to chuckle with that stuff.

And because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, just flip it on.

Everybody's complaining they're hot and everybody wants to leave.

Maybe it's my talk.

Because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't do those things today.

I just, I don't.

Possibly didn't do a great job of summarizing my life.

But basically, I was restless, irritable, discontent.

Didn't make any good decisions.

Made very, very poor decisions.

Was selfish and self-centered.

Only did what made me feel good.

If made you feel good at the same time, that's fine.

But primarily I did it for my own gratification.

And then I went to, I found Alcoholics Anonymous by a fluke.

And the reason why I ended up in prison was because all those little knocks that God gave

me, I just didn't pay attention to.

He said, listen, buddy, you need more help than I can do.

So he sent me in there.

And, you know, you can come out unscathed, you know, from prison.

In fact, it was a blessing for me.

I look at it as the pause that refreshes and that's what those three and a half years were

for me.

I go to county jail now with panels.

I go to, you know, halfway houses with panels, recovery homes, you know.

And I like to tell my story that you don't have to live a life of crime, you know.

And because of that, and I'm just grateful for the people in Alcoholics Anonymous and

grateful for the people that came before me.

You know, my sponsor and the groups that I belong to, the people that I associate with,

you know, I have a completely different life today.

I live in Sherman Oaks and I have a nice little house, have a dog and great job, you know.

And not that that stuff is important, but it certainly, you know, helps along the way.

And that's only because I took direction.

When I first came out of prison, I didn't have a job.

My sponsor said, just get a job, any job.

I said, but you know, I used to be in the diamond business, just get a job.

And I ended up having working in a print shop, you know, and I didn't do too well over there.

I think it was $8 an hour.

And just slowly but surely things changed around.

He said, just keep the job, look for another job, keep the job, look for another job.

And that's all I did.

I kept the job, look for another job.

And slowly but surely in 2001, you know, I want to say I caught a break.

But what happened was is that somebody offered me an opportunity to work for them.

And just my, since 2001, my whole, my entire life just turned around.

Just totally turned around.

It was a blessing in disguise.

It's not in the jewelry business.

It's not in the diamond business.

It's in the healthcare business.

And never been better.

Never been, who would have thought that I'd, you know, that I'd be in this business, you

know, 30 years ago because all I wanted to do is, you know, being in the jewelry business.

I don't see any lights on here.

There we go.

Okay.

I was a little worried there.

Thought maybe they were broken, you know, couldn't see them.

Anyway, I'm going to end early.

You know, there's no sense in prolonging it, but I want to say thank you again.

And I want to say that I owe my life to people like you in rooms like this in Alcoholics

Anonymous.

Thank you.