Carrie's Journey: From Early Drinking to Compassionate Sobriety

- Thank you.

Hi, I'm Carrie, I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you, Alex, for picking my name off the list.

I wanna thank all of you for being so welcoming to me.

So many of you, and I guess that's a tradition

in this group, put your hand out,

say hello with a smile in your face and your eyes too.

And you reminded me, I have one of my regular meetings

as a newcomer's meeting on Friday night in Studio City,

and I'm not doing that.

And as someone who has time, I should be doing that.

And maybe if I do that, I'll be an example to the others.

We're supposed to do that with the newcomers, right?

That's the whole point of the newcomer meeting.

So my sobriety date is January 20th, 2003.

I just turned 17, and the view is fine from here.

It's very nice.

That doesn't mean that I have any sort of,

I don't get a medal.

Well, you could get medallions.

But my sobriety isn't necessarily any better

to someone who has six months or five years.

I mean, that doesn't, it's not an indication

of spiritual, emotional sobriety.

But I have pretty good sobriety, and I'm happy.

I can't believe I'm happy to be sober.

And that I'm still here, right?

Like when I came in, and I had tried a few times

here and there, but I just wasn't ready yet.

And I was thinking this, well, I guess,

should I go all the way back to my,

you guys talked about your parents.

I just like that when you talk about when you're,

the house that you grew up in,

someone is gonna relate and other people aren't.

But what I like is that it shows

that's not necessarily what got you here.

There's all kinds of paths,

paths to alcoholism and then to AA.

My dad did drink.

He's a daily drinker, but he was never drunk.

He drank probably two drinks a night,

but he was sort of a rageaholic.

So I totally qualify for adult children of alcoholics.

I gotta check out one of those meetings.

Because the way that I am,

I don't know if it's necessarily

because of the house I grew up in,

but I was yelled at a lot, and I was told I was stupid,

you know, and no good and lazy.

And that is the voice in my head.

I don't resent my father because of this program.

And in fact, I had been sober a few years,

and I went home, and he flipped out on me.

I'm an adult, you know, and I go back home,

and I'm sober, and he flipped out on me,

and I pulled whatever book I brought.

I think it was "As Bill Sees It" or something.

I don't know, it was a book, and it just washed over me

that I don't need to feel sorry for myself

that I have a father like that.

I need to feel sorry for him that he's like that,

and grateful that I have a program,

and I have tools to escape the burden of my emotions

and my mental illness, you know, which is part of my disease.

So like at that moment, it just sort of,

and I had done work too and stuff,

but you know, I think it comes, it just comes in pieces.

And when that came over me, like I was really able

to forgive him and just see him as what they say,

another sick human being, and not in a, you know,

oh, he's sick, not in that kind of way, like in a real way.

Like this person isn't well, and I'm often not well,

and I really wasn't well before I got sober.

So to have some compassion for somebody else.

But I couldn't wait to drink.

My first drug was TV and candy and daydreaming and playing.

And when I was a kid, that was one of the notes

from my teacher to my mom.

Carrie talks a lot and daydreams a lot.

And I don't know, but that's where I'm at.

And I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

And I don't know if that means,

I don't know if I felt all these ways,

and I don't know if it's because I'm an alcoholic.

I feel like it is because even though I've gotten sober

and I've gotten tools and I've gone through things sober,

that is my, that's my base.

My base is I'm not enough, nothing is okay.

Nothing's ever gonna be okay.

Like that, and that's the way I grew up feeling.

And so of course you guys know alcohol helped that

quite a bit.

I could be around people 'cause I always wanted

to be around people.

I wanted friends and I wanted to be social,

but my fears got in the way of that.

So of course alcohol,

I started drinking when I was 12, I think.

And it quickly became, it was a weekly thing for me.

I was sneaking drinks and smoking cigarettes

and cutting school at about 13 years old.

And throughout high school and in my early 20s,

alcohol was always something

that I definitely had to have as a companion.

It was, I loved going to parties and doing the things,

but really none of that was gonna happen

unless I had my alcohol with me,

that I knew where I was gonna get it.

Like, why would you wanna do anything

if there wasn't gonna be booze there?

But there, I just, there was a dark point

in my budding alcoholism.

I was definitely dependent upon it and didn't know.

When you're a teenager in your early 20s,

you think alcoholic means you like alcohol.

Well, yeah, I'm an alcoholic.

You know, but there came a point where it was getting dark

and it was like, I would just keep,

I had friends who didn't keep up with me

and would get really wasted and pass out.

And I thought, you know, they shouldn't drink so much.

You know, like they had a problem, but I was cool.

Once I learned how to not puke,

I was beer bong and I was up all night, it was fun.

But then it became just where I was getting sloppy.

And it became where I started feeling way more isolated

and angry at the world.

And I moved here when I was like 24, I think,

and I had no friends

and I was absolutely dependent on alcohol

and I could not go a day without it.

And I think at first I thought,

well, you're just trying to have a little party at home

'cause there's no one else to have a party with or whatever.

But that was every night, you know?

And when you wake up on a Wednesday hungover

because you were drinking too much by yourself again,

at some point you gotta, I did, I confronted him.

I was like, wow, you've got a problem.

And I was like, okay, well, I'm just gonna get it together.

You know, like I've gained weight, I've lost weight.

You know, I figured out I'll lose this dependence,

you know, this habit.

And I was like, I'll go to the gym.

I know, I'll go to the gym.

And I couldn't, I could not not drink.

You know, once you get to that point where you're like,

oh, okay, I'm gonna get it together

and then you absolutely cannot.

It's really scary.

It was really scary for me.

And I was getting really dark and I was just sort of,

'cause I could not imagine a life without alcohol.

So I really felt like I was at that jumping off point.

It was like, I'm either gonna get sober

'cause now I know I can't even just control it on my own

or I'm gonna keep going the way I'm going.

And my favorite movie at that time was "Barfly."

Do you guys know that movie?

The young kids don't.

It's Mickey Rourke and he's playing Bukowski,

who's this drunk poet and he's just really drunk.

And I'm like, well, and there's Faye Dunaway.

She was a beautiful woman, big actress.

She was a drunk too.

And she got a boyfriend.

She lived downtown in an abandoned apartment building

and she had a boyfriend who bought her booze.

And I'm like, all right, maybe that's the way I go.

So for a while I was gonna be Faye Dunaway

and I was gonna live downtown 'cause I knew

if I was gonna keep going this way,

it was just gonna get worse.

And so for a while I decided

that that was what I was gonna do.

But then it gets worse and then, listen,

I don't have the story where I got the DUI,

but I should have, right?

I don't have the story where I lost the job,

but I should have.

And in fact, I can't work in that industry anymore.

All those things that could have happened to me, didn't.

But coming into this room, I know they could.

They just, it hasn't happened yet.

I haven't gotten the DUI yet.

I haven't lost the job yet.

I haven't gotten diseases yet.

I haven't gotten addicted to heroin yet.

I see the people that come to these rooms,

have great sobriety, whatever,

and for whatever reason they need to go out

and they try something new 'cause they've, I guess,

I don't know why, and they die.

'Cause it is, there are things out there now

that kill people a lot faster than they used to.

And you don't know.

I heard they're putting it in cocaine.

And I was like, geez, I would have been in big trouble.

Can you imagine?

'Cause there's certain people who are like,

I don't wanna do downers, I wanna do uppers.

The booze is my downer.

And then to die from opioid from doing a line.

I mean, even normal people do a line once in a while.

So that's serious.

So what got me finally to the rooms,

my journey into AA, this point.

And I forgot to tell you, I have been,

I've always been drawn to suicidal thoughts

since I was 10 years old.

And so that's always been, that's always my go-to.

It's still my base where when things aren't going right,

I don't think about a drink.

I mean, that's a fate worse than death,

but just checking out forever is where I always go mentally.

So, but I came, I was at a friend's house

and I came to talking to her husband.

It's like that story in the book where the woman comes to

and the other woman's talking to her about sobriety and stuff

and she's drinking coffee.

She's like, where the hell am I?

That happened to me and it scared me to death.

'Cause last thing, I remembered what I was went to bed

and I wasn't a blackout drinker, but I drank alone a lot.

So I don't really know if I was a blackout drinker.

And I think I probably was, but you know,

'cause that happened to me.

So I actually went to, my sister-in-law picked me up

from the airport 'cause I was out of town

and I turned to her 'cause she drank like me.

And I said, Marla, I'm going to AA.

Like that's how serious it is, I'm going to AA.

And she turned to me and she had a black eye

and she said, well, I'll beat you there.

And that she got that, she was holding her baby

and she fell down, she took care of the baby,

but her face hit the cement, right?

So we both went to AA and it lasted about a month or so.

You know, I was like, God, ah.

I was raised in the Lutheran religion,

which I hear is like Catholic light or something.

Like I was not about that.

I'm no, I'm too smart and liberal for a God.

I don't want that, he doesn't want me, I don't want him.

So I didn't like that and not drinking forever.

I was like white knuckling it and this is ridiculous.

So I took that book.

So I think I was sober like maybe a month.

I took the book that someone gave me, I still have it.

And I put it in my underwear drawer

'cause I knew I was going to need it,

but I was going to try just a little bit harder.

And I did and things just got worse.

And now at this point, like I definitely,

I know I'm an alcoholic and that's waiting for me.

And it's just, I don't know how much,

I don't know how long it took me to finally come back

and really try this thing.

But I do remember driving around with Marla,

this is in Sherman Oaks and we drove

and I was talking to her in the car about,

oh, I got hung over again, whatever.

And she's, we drive right by Noble, Dickens and Noble.

There was a meeting spot

and there's all these people outside with a can.

And she's like, well, you want to end up like them?

And I'm like, no, no, I'll try harder again, yet again.

I couldn't, here's the breaking point, okay.

I drank every day, I was pretty resigned to that.

The problem really was it didn't work anymore.

And that's how I got here.

'Cause I would drink and drink and drink

and still be really dead inside and full of pain.

It did not do anything for me.

And to have a hangover for something

that doesn't work anymore, it's not worth it.

And I was just, and not only it's not worth it,

what am I gonna do?

That's my everything.

That's my lover, my best friend, my God is booze,

wine, whatever.

And I wanted to, I definitely, I was very suicidal

at that point.

I just couldn't do it.

And I'll tell you, this is the thing.

I was gonna cut myself,

'cause I used to cut myself as a kid.

I wasn't gonna commit suicide.

I just, I had so much anger and rage and pain

and something threw it out of my hand.

I just, it threw across the room and I just collapsed

and I was crying and I passed out.

And I came to the next morning, it was a Sunday morning

and there was a preacher on TV and he said,

"Raise your hands in Jesus."

And I said, "Fuck it."

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to swear.

But I did say that.

Epid, I'm, I can't do this anymore.

I'm ready to talk to God, do whatever.

And my hands started tingling.

I was like, whoa.

But there's definitely now,

something's just the blood just running out of my hands.

But I did, so I went to Radford Hall.

That's where I got sober, it was on Ventura.

Back in the day, they'd say,

"Well, I went to Radford and it was Radford Hall."

Now it's, I went to Radford and it was on Ventura,

next to Casa Vega.

And met Phil Marshall there.

I'm still friends with him.

He has like, I don't know, 40, 50 years of sobriety.

I think he has like 50 years of sobriety now.

He's the first person I ever talked to

and he goes to my Friday night meeting with me.

And it is amazing to still see the people

that were there when you came in.

And I know that going to meetings as someone with time,

it's not just about keeping your sobriety going,

which it totally is,

but it's definitely there to be for the newcomer

and to show consistency that people definitely stay sober

and they continue to go to the same meetings

and they're of service to be an example.

And I don't know.

So it's really important that they're for me

and that I can be there for others.

And I mean, I'm jumping now into what it's like now,

but I'll go back and forth.

It is so amazing to me to see people recover.

I mean, that's what they say, the gifts of this program.

To see people, well, I see people recover,

have them make friends or whatever loneliness vanish.

This is something you must not miss.

And it's like, what a absolute joy.

It is such a gift.

My sobriety is definitely a gift to me and to others

because I'm not making problems like I used to,

but just to see it in other people,

like that is what fills that hole.

Not only even being helpful and having panels

and doing whatever I can do, like coming here tonight.

I figured I would tell you guys something

and it would help somebody 'cause that's what I pray for.

Let me be honest and helpful.

But I knew it was gonna help me.

And my sobriety right now, my program, it's a little weird.

I'm not regularly praying like I used to,

like just did things, got off.

And what I love the program has taught me is like,

okay, start again.

You don't have to go out.

You don't have to drive it into the ground.

You don't have to beat yourself up

'cause that's not humility.

It's just try again.

'Cause I know for me, my sobriety is always,

I'm always changing.

My program is always changing.

And the beautiful thing is my sobriety is always growing.

Well, now I got lost 'cause I got so happy about sobriety.

Well, anyway, so I came into the rooms

and let me tell you something, this is super important.

So I relapsed like three times in early sobriety.

Now I'm honest, I'm naturally an honest person.

I see how important it is with this program.

So I would do what you guys do is raise your hand

the first 30 days, every day as a newcomer,

you stand up as a newcomer, take all the chips.

So I kept doing that.

So people knew I was relapsing.

And like one of the last times I relapsed,

I took the chip and this woman said,

"Hey honey, why do you keep relapsing?"

And I said, "I don't know."

And she said, "Well, you know what?

"It's not a revolving door.

"You might not get back in."

And I, you know, okay, I heard that whatever I'm trying.

And, but I drank again.

I went, I got booze and I was sitting in my living room

and I could tell you now too, this is,

I've been trying this for a few, for almost a year.

And I had had some kind of God because when I drank,

I felt like a lead sheet coming down between me

and my higher power, even as budding as that relationship

was, I could feel a disconnect.

And I got, I felt really scared and also it didn't work.

You know, it didn't taste as good as I remembered,

you know, all that, what the mind was telling me,

it was like, this isn't true.

And for the first time I heard her say that,

I heard those words in my head, you might not get back in.

And then I got scared to death to the core

that I would stay drunk.

I would stay like that.

That I wouldn't have an opportunity to get sober again.

You know, it took a lot for me to get into the rooms.

You know, who did I think I was?

I just come in and out.

Like she was right.

That got me sober and I don't remember who it was,

but I always try to make sure to tell that story

'cause it's so important for the newcomer

and the old timers, everyone to hear.

You know, what you have today, you know,

you have to keep working on it.

'Cause if you give it up,

you don't know that you're gonna come back.

You don't know that you can come back.

And we've all seen it.

If you're around long enough, you see it

and you hear about the people who have,

they try and they try and they try

and they can't get back in.

But I also wanna tell you, if you have relapsed

or you are relapsing, if you do relapse, just come back.

You know, if you can come back, like no one's keeping score.

I personally just always so happy that

to see someone come back, that they're here,

that they're alive, that they have another chance

and then they'll have a new story to tell and help others.

Like, you know, nothing is wasted in our sobriety, nothing.

All those terrible things that happened to us.

I mean, hopefully through this program,

we learned to get rid of the shame and make it useful,

but nothing is wasted.

And you also, if you're like me,

you don't have to have a crazy ass story to be helpful,

you know, so you don't have to feel too,

like you're not drunk enough, you know.

Anyway, so then I gave it a real go.

And once I, and my innermost self,

it wasn't just, oh, I better get sober.

It's like, I am an alcoholic.

This is never gonna work for me again.

You know, I've tried this now.

I tried the relapse.

I did like three or four relapses that year.

And I told myself, so those didn't go to waste.

They really told me to my core, you are an alcoholic.

This is never gonna get better.

And that made it a lot easier for me to move forward.

And to, you know, that's the first step, right?

I could really do it this time.

And so I did, and I did the things.

I went to meetings, even though I didn't want to.

And I went to a women's meeting

after I had a year of sobriety,

'cause I need to lose a year to get ready for that.

And then I started going to that one.

I would just look at the women's shoes,

'cause I'm so intimidated by other women.

Not now, but I was then.

I am a totally different person than I was then.

Let me tell you, like, I couldn't look anybody in the eye.

In fact, I'd be talking to people

and they'd be like, what are you looking at?

'Cause I'd be looking over here,

'cause I couldn't look people in the face,

because, well, I just thought I was a monster in some way.

I thought I was just so not good enough and so messed up.

I really felt like there's probably tentacles coming out.

Like, that's how I felt, really not okay.

And it took a long time in here,

but AA has taught me how to talk to others

and how to be vulnerable and open up, you know?

I'll probably cry during the share, and it's okay,

'cause I mean, I just have these emotions and it's all right.

And people love a good cry anyways in AA.

And what I say is, if you can't cry in AA,

where the hell can you cry?

But yeah, I got to learn how to make friendships

and learn how to start my spiritual journey.

You know, when you're a person who's never known freedom

or happiness, real happiness,

where you've always been very pessimistic and unhappy,

it's still, even to this day,

hard to imagine that life can actually be free,

even though you see in others.

I mean, I always thought, well, that's you,

'cause you're normal, you're a nice person,

or you're super smart, you know?

That's not gonna happen for me.

So I have had a very slow variety in letting go of things

and trusting and have faith and really doing,

like, I still don't have a nightly,

I'm like, don't tell them this in my head,

but I'm telling you, 'cause I'm being honest.

And I don't have a nightly thing.

I don't do the 86 and 87.

I don't do that.

And it's just gonna give me more freedom.

You know, I am a pretty honest person.

I do talk to my sponsor about stuff.

When I get really angry or upset or have emotions,

I know that something in me that's disturbed,

but that's part of the program.

It's just there to make me feel better

and make me a better person and make me free.

It's not there to punish me, but I'm an alcoholic,

and I just think rules are there to make me angry.

So when I go home tonight, 'cause I've been running around,

I'm gonna put an alarm in the morning and the night

and help me get to that app, 'cause there's an app for it,

and do that, 'cause it's just, I need that freedom.

So I'm not a perfect AA-er, and nobody is.

And you don't have to be.

You just always have to try, oh, this is what I love.

I always say this too, the how of the program,

honesty, openness, and willingness.

Like, I was just honest with you now about, you know,

some shitty parts of my program, sorry,

some things that you wouldn't wanna go around

telling everybody, but I just did, right?

Because then that'll make me accountable, right?

And I'm open to trying it, and I'm willing.

And that is how I got sober.

And that's how I'm staying sober, you know?

My 17 years of sobriety is not guaranteed for tomorrow

or next year, whatever, you know?

It's important to me, and I cherish it,

and I didn't think I ever would, but I do.

And so, I don't know, I mean, I think you guys too,

that's why you're here, right?

On a Friday night, on a Saturday night, on a Saturday night.

How much do I go for, till quarter till?

Till five till, okay.

I know I forgot some things in my story.

Shoot, I don't know.

I wish we'd take questions or something, but we don't.

Okay, oh, I know what I can tell you.

What's happened to me in sobriety, right?

So, I have gone back to school.

Before I got sober, I went to community college, right?

And I was doing my first two years, but it took me seven,

and I didn't complete it.

So, in sobriety, as an adult, I said, okay,

my job is ending, and I didn't have a degree,

I didn't have a bachelor's degree,

and the economy was at someone,

everything was in the toilet.

So I said, I better go back to school.

And that was so scary for me to go.

I mean, I was in my late 30s, mid to late 30s,

and I went to school during the day with all the kids.

And I didn't think I was gonna do any good at all.

You know, I really took a lot of notes,

and I ended up getting straight A's.

And I only had to do the two years, right?

And then I did a couple classes at Pierce,

just to get to the junior and senior year.

And I got straight A's, and the professors were like,

you gotta get at your master's.

Me?

And I loved it, and I wanted to do it, because I loved it.

But listen, my master's degree is in communication studies.

So there's no job for that.

I mean, you can teach communication studies.

But I did it, and I really struggled,

'cause I knew I was gonna go into debt for it.

You know, maybe it won't look good

if I'm going for not-so-great jobs and I have a master's.

There were a lot of reasons not to do it.

But I did it because I wanted to learn.

And so I knew, for me, I knew it was gonna give me

a sense of self, like we do esteemable acts

to get the self-esteem, and that's one of them.

That, you know, I was good at that, and I wanted to do it.

And so even though I really should've got

a different master's degree,

but even though I should've got it, I didn't.

I went through it, and even though it scared me,

'cause my sponsor was there with me.

She said, "You open the door, and you let God go in first."

And I shared about it, and in this program,

I have learned there's the tears.

I mean, it's so life-changing.

One step in front of the other.

And the great thing was, is communication studies,

you give all kinds of speeches.

I was already ready for that, 'cause we do this here.

But that also get, that get maybe better at this, too.

But I got straight A's in my master's program.

So I graduated with distinction,

and I got an award for being the best old student.

That's $250, I mean, I paid.

But yeah, like the Mary Daybell Award, you know?

But I, you know, how amazing is that?

And I also quit smoking.

I mean, when I got sober, I'm like,

"You're not taking this away from me."

You know, I had smoked since I was 13.

Smoking and drinking went right together.

11, I started smoking when I was 11.

And I soon, oh, thank you.

I was soon a pack-a-day smoker.

So I smoked 23 years, I think.

And I quit that, and the only way I was able

to finally do it was I knew, I took the tools from here.

And I'm like, "Just not this hour.

"Don't smoke this hour, you know, and pray for help,

"you know, and you got through that alcohol,

"you can get through this."

And it was, it was so hard.

And there was a much bigger, well, there's a long,

there's a strong smoking culture still.

It's vaping or whatever, smells better.

But it's also a social thing too, you know,

to be able to stand around, you know,

like when we had the break, like if I was smoking,

I'd go out there and make more friends.

But I just wanted to sit 'cause I knew

I was gonna stand for a while.

But I did that, I can't believe it that I did that.

I quit, and it took a long time for me

to not think about cigarettes.

Yeah, you know, I just, I got better at life.

I'm not super great at it or anything.

There's so many more things for me to accomplish.

What I like to say is there's no cap on growth.

Not like, you know, there's so many things wrong with you

and you'll never stop growing.

Not like that, but just, you can continually work

this program and be present and just be more free.

I know that's a saying around like,

how free do you wanna be, you know?

And so like, I wanna be more free.

So now I'm ready to do a daily thing.

I mean, I should have been doing it a long time ago,

but I did it and I'm still here.

So it's okay if you're not perfect.

But I'm gonna do that 'cause I told everybody here

that I'm gonna do it.

And I'll give you my number and you can ask me

if I'm doing it 'cause I do wanna be more free.

And oh, I have to say, you know, I had to go to a doctor.

I had to physically check myself 'cause I, you know,

there's things with me that go to dark places.

And so I had therapy, I've had medical attention

because I care now.

I need to put some effort into this

because I need to be useful to others.

You know, that is my, that is what we have to do.

That is what we are charged with.

And so I need to, if I, 'cause I mean,

especially like last year, I mean, I was not well.

I didn't wanna leave the house, you know?

I just, things weren't good.

And even though, you know, I had a program

and all this stuff, I needed something else.

I needed outside help.

And I'm really proud of myself that I got that.

And so, and it's always a work in progress.

And listen, you get older if you stay sober.

And so you change, you physically change, right?

You emotionally change, like everything's changed.

So your program has to keep changing too, right?

And so what worked, you know, last year

just might not cut it, you know?

And I hear that, you know, I believe this and that.

I've been around long enough.

It's true.

The road gets narrower.

What you felt okay with in the first couple of years,

you can't get away with.

If you're honest with yourself,

you can't get away with when you've got more time.

But if anybody is young here,

I have a panel at Northridge Hospital for the teen psych ward.

And that is, so if anybody wants to get on that,

give me your number after.

That is a whole new level in my program is to talk to kids.

You know, who may or may not be alcoholics,

but we get to come and share with them our story

and just let them know whether or not

they are or not alcoholics.

We are, and we've found a solution.

And you know, maybe they'll have a friend

because most people have a friend or family in their life

who are alcoholics.

And I look at these kids, you know, they're like 15.

They can be 13 to about, I guess, 17, they're teenagers.

And I was such a mess at that age.

And I thought I was so much older than I was.

And you see these kids.

I mean, you could be older too

if you want to be on the panel.

I don't want to like, you know,

but I need to bring at least one kid, one younger person.

But people with time or people who are older,

that's fine too.

But to see them, they're so young.

And it's, you get to sort of forgive yourself

and recognize that you were just a child when you were,

and you were not well, I mean, emotionally, you know.

It's very healing.

And what a way to be of service is to talk to children.

It's pretty great.

I mean, we could end early, right?

Yeah, Saturday night.

So I'm done.

All right.