18 Years Sober: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Everyday Life

All right. Hey there. I'm Ryan, alcoholic. What time did I go till? I forgot to ask.

930? Just kidding. No, no, no. First off, Sean and Nancy, right? You guys did awesome.

You know, talking about contrary actions, six and seven, you know, I got 18 years of

sobriety and those are still like, you know, huge parts of my sobriety, you know, so whether

you have a day, two days, 18 years, you know, it's the, it's the foundation, the fundamentals

of this program that, you know, is what keeps this thing going and love the talks. And,

you know, we don't have the exact same stories, but, you know, I identify with so much and

that's what's beautiful about coming here. And I want to thank Alex for inviting me out

here. I think he got my number from my friend, Claudia. I think she's speaking here next

week. So if this talk totally, you know, bombs and it's terrible, which it might, you can

blame her and she'll be here next week and you can tell her how terrible it was. And

the other thing was, Alex told me, he's like, your name is actually on the speaker list

and you know, you spoke here 10 years ago. And I don't know if anybody else is thinking

the same thing. I thought when he said that, but if I spoke there 10 years ago and nobody's

asked me back since, like, this probably isn't a good idea, man. But, you know, here we are.

If you're new, welcome. I have a good live today, good comfortable live today, and it's

a direct result of this program and the people that have gone before me and I'm truly grateful.

I want to thank a couple of people for coming out and supporting me. My buddy Dave I've

known for 18 years. He's been trudging this thing and buddy Harold came out. You know,

I had the privilege of being at his wedding, what, 15 years ago. Chris, I've sponsored

him for years. He's like an older brother to my kids. And are you a brother or cousin?

What are you like? What do they think? It doesn't matter. The point is that, you know,

I have a really good life, you know, in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I wasn't counting

on that. I'll get some stats out of the way. I got sober July 10th, 2001. My home group

is Pacific Group and my sponsor is Tim Kay. And I love that you guys say that because

those are three things that I have to remember and I don't want to change. And, you know,

I'm glad that you guys take that so seriously and that's been a big deal to me. If you're

new, you know, I had a good day today. I woke up and my buddy Dave came over. He was working

and my wife was making pancakes with my seven year old. And then we went to church and dropped

our kids off. I got four kids. We dropped them off somewhere and me and my wife took

our dog to the beach and walked on the beach and picked up rocks for our serenity garden

that we have. You know, we stack rocks and like, and how does that make you feel, Dave?

Is that, is that, is that a picture? But, but I got to tell you, like, you know, if

you would, if you had asked anybody, you know, 18 years ago, if that was the life, if that's

what, you know, was going to be happening on a Saturday, you, that would have been a,

you know, that probably wouldn't have been the answer you got. And you know, I, I, I

love alcohol. I love the taste of it. You know, when I'm drinking for flavor, I'm drinking

like Keystone ice, you know, if I'm just kind of pacing myself, but you know, I'm also drinking

for effect because I love the effect that alcohol, you know, I get from alcohol and

I want it quick and I want it, I want it fast and you know, I love vodka. I love those plastic

bottles of vodka. I don't even know what kind of vodka I drank, I just know it said vodka

on the bottle. I think it's a charcoal filter. It's been a long time. I don't know if that's

good or bad. But you know, you know, I like every malt liquor there is. I don't even know

if they make them anymore. The St. Ives Clubhouse, Cobra, Mickey's, you know, I, but then I fell

in love with some Steel Reserve and Cisco. So, so yeah, the guy walking on the beach

collecting rocks, you know, at one point, you know, was, was scrounging for a change

for Cisco. And I didn't know that that would, you know, ever change. And I didn't think

it would. And I'll just, I'll tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened

and what it's like today. And I grew up, you know, I grew up in Thousand Oaks. And I had

a good, good little life. I have two parents that love me. I kind of grew up in the hills.

It was kind of a rural area, not out of the way a little bit. I love, I love playing sports.

I played a lot of baseball growing up. Some people have said, you know, I'm just kind

of a beer and baseball kind of guy. And that's, that was it. That's all, that's all I did.

I played, I played a lot of baseball and, and my parents, my dad was a firefighter.

My mom was a nurse. And they individually, they're pretty decent people together. They

hated each other. I've never met two people that hated each other. I don't know how they

even like, to this day, they can't speak to each other. They can't be in a room together.

They can't be in the same like city together. Like it's, it's not good. And probably I guess

I was like 12 or 11. I don't even, I don't even remember, but they, they split up and

you know, I was devastated obviously. And you know, I'm getting shuttled back and forth.

They moved, you know, they lived like five miles from each other. And, and what I learned

pretty quick though, was that, you know, I'd go back and forth in my houses. And so my

mom didn't talk to my dad and my dad didn't talk to my mom. So I learned that, you know,

I could kind of tell them whatever I wanted, you know, and you know, if mom was giving

me some trouble, like tell me to do my homework or something, then I just called dad and just

say, Hey man, she's, she's really, really saying bad things about you. I just want to

come, you know, say, you know, can I come stay with you? And like I go over to his house

and you know, vice versa and I'm going back and forth and I'm just, I'm learning really

quick to manipulate this situation. And they never, you know, were the wiser because they,

they hate each other more than they, you know, it was more important to hate each other than

to raise their kids. And so I kind of bounced around doing that and, and it was cool. And

so I, you know, responsibility and things like that are kind of, you know, fleeting.

But like I said, I played baseball all the time. I'm very, very serious about it. Some

might even say I was good, you know, I have a couple of guys here that question that,

but it's okay. And it's what I like doing. And so I stayed pretty, pretty straight and

narrow. I still, you know, focused on that. And you know, I nipped some beers here and

there. Like I said, my dad was a firefighter and he worked he worked in South central LA

and he worked there for, I don't know, 35 years or something. And one of the busiest

fire stations and you know, I really looked up to this guy. He was, he was definitely,

you know, my hero you know, and he had all these firefighter friends and they were big

and they were strong and most of them were like Vietnam vets that came back and they

all worked at this fire station that was one of the busiest in LA and like they were untouchable.

They were like, you know, my gold standard, like, and we just do a lot of things together.

And one of the things we do was, was we go out to Lake Havasu a lot. And we went out

there and you know, and I remember one trip and it was like, I don't know, I was like

13 or 14 and we're sitting around the campfire. It's me and my dad and his, you know, his

buddies, his firefighter buddies and, and you know, it's lay and they're drinking, they

they work hard and party hard. And one of them says to me, you know, is he says, Hey,

like, if we give you a beer, you're going to tell your mom. And like instantly I'm like,

you know, as soon as you bring mom's name up, I'm like, no, like, absolutely not. Like,

you know, and so they throw me a Coors Light and I have a Coors Light and then have a couple

more Coors Lights. And so what happened was you know, I have, I don't remember three,

four beers or whatever it was. And I started looking around this fire, right? And I started

looking at these guys and something like crossed my mind and that was like, why don't these

guys like respect me a little more? Like, don't these guys know who I am? And you know,

I started getting a little more confident and I started feeling, you know, feeling a

little bit better about myself. And all of a sudden, like, I feel just like one of these

guys like now I've never, you know, saved anybody from a burning building or pulled

anybody out of a car or even gotten a cat out of a tree. But like, like in my mind,

I'm a hero and like I'm the same as these guys and I'm looking around and like I'm running

my mouth and, and uh, you know, probably embarrassing myself, but whatever. But that feeling like

I was completely whole, like alcohol gave me a sense of, uh, it just made me delusional.

But it made it like, and I loved it. Um, and so the next morning I woke up and I felt pretty

terrible and I remember feeling sick and this and that. And one of the guys was making manudo

and he's like, here, have this. It'll make you feel better. And so like I start, you

know, and I'm like, what is this? He's like, it's cow stomach. I'm like, I'm good. Like

I'm just miserable. And then somebody else gives me some orange juice and says, try this.

And so I drink it and it's really bitter and I just keep drinking it and drinking some

more. And uh, what it was was orange juice and vodka. So I learned a couple really, really,

really important lessons that night and that day that carried over. And this pretty much

sums up my, my, uh, my drinking is that if you feel good drink, if you feel crappy drink,

if like, you know, you're having fun drink, like scared drink, like it makes it better.

Everything is better. Alcohol solves everything. And um, you know, I didn't go, I didn't go

out and just start drinking, you know, right away. I didn't, you know, every single day

or anything like that. But what I can tell you is that my alcoholism kicked in and the

decisions I made from that point on were definitely impacted by the alcoholism that was in me

that now was kickstarted by, you know, the alcohol that I've been drinking. And most

of my decisions from that point on were, you know, were selfish, self seeking, dishonest,

you know, based in fear. And it was completely driven by my alcoholism. And I, I did pretty

well for, you know, a little while I, uh, kept, uh, you know, kept, uh, playing baseball

and, and doing that and, you know, just drinking just like normal people do or what I thought

was normal. And, um, I, uh, let me make sure I get, um, I, uh, I had something else significant

happen and, and, um, you know, it was, it was this weird thing. Like somebody stole

my car stereo and, you know, I should just like, you know, gone out and bought a new

stereo. Like, I don't know, but like, I felt like wrong. I felt like, you know, the world

like owed me like this and that. So like I got this idea I'm going to go steal somebody

else's stereo. And so I did and like, I'm not like, I'm like, you know, I play baseball,

like I drink, you know, some cheap beer, like, you know, I shouldn't be stealing in stereo.

It's like, not that anybody should, I don't know who should, but, um, so I do and I get

it and it feels great. So then I'm like, no, I got the stereo. It's all good. And like,

you know, my selfishness and you know, all that, like it was, it was, it was fulfilled.

It felt great. Um, so then I do it again. I don't know why, but like, you know, I just,

one was good, you know, another one and you know, and this and that. And long story short,

like we ended up like, you know, breaking into a house and you know, she wants some

stuff there, but then we saw there's a car there. So we load all their stuff into their

car and I'm not a criminal at this point. So now I've got this like brand new Lexus.

I don't know what to do with, I'm 16. So I call some of the shadiest people I know, um,

who had just gotten busted for some stuff. I didn't know that. So next thing I know is

I sell a brand new Lexus to an undercover guy that looks like Cheech from Cheech and

Chong like, and I got SWAT team pop out when I'm 16. So now I've got, you know, I got some

issues now. I'm not like, you know, the kid that plays baseball. Like now I'm like the

kid that like for whatever reason and like I'm not drinking a ton at this time. Like

I'm drinking, I'm partying, but like it's my alcoholism. It's, you know, it's, it's

the, the, just the selfishness. Like I don't, I even know what, like the whole world doesn't

exist. Like it's just me. And um, you know, it just, that changed my life significantly.

Like, you know, I was kicked off all the baseball teams. I was, they said I was toxic or, or

something like, you know, bad news. Um, and I just kinda, you know, committed to, uh,

to drinking. And uh, like I said, my dad was a firefighter, so he was gone a lot. So his,

nobody was at his house and uh, a lot of the time. So now I just, you know, hang out and

drink. And you know, if you've got a place to drink, like you're going to make friends

real quick and like, you know, people bring stuff over and, and uh, it's good life. And,

but then I get my first DUI. Um, and um, you know, it's uh, it's uh, you know, I'm drinking

all the time now. I, I, uh, I wake up, I drink, um, I usually take that back. I'll usually

wake up and then like, I try to find some water somewhere cause like, you know, I'm

just so thirsty. Like I can still remember like that, that thirst and just like going

to sinks and like, cause like when I drink, I don't eat, I don't drink water. I, uh, I

had surgery on my shoulders when I was sober and uh, they're going to put an IV in me and

the nurse is like, I'm gonna put an IV and there's going to be a drip, a bag of drips.

I was like, yeah, yeah, I've had this a lot of times. She's like, you've had IVs a lot

of times. She's like, do you, are you an athlete? Do you do marathons? I was like, no, I used

to drink a lot and that's what people would do. I get so sick and they're like, people

do, I don't know what to do with you dude. And they take me to the hospital and then

they just put me on IVs and you know, I get hydrated cause I was so dehydrated from drinking

so much alcohol and not eating. Um, so anyway, um, I don't even know where that came from.

Uh, but now they like sell that. They got people that come in with like banana water

and like, you know, like for hangovers, like I should've been on the forefront of that.

I should've like could've known. Um, but I saw, yeah, I'm sick. I'm whatever. And I just

start bouncing around. I started moving around. I moved up to mammoth cause you know, it seemed

like a great idea. I went interviewed there and they're like, we know all you guys are,

you know, mess ups like, you know, we're going to drug test you if somebody gets hurt, but

until somebody gets hurt, you can drink or whatever. And I was like, sign me up. But

then I'm, you know, I get my next DUI and then, you know, two weeks later I get another

DUI. Um, I'm collecting DUI's and I'm fighting them in court at the same time. And I'm not

telling this court that I have a DUI here and I'm not telling this one, I have a court

case here and I'm fighting it and I've got no business fighting. They're both in the

parking lot. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. I was so drunk. Like, like,

you know, and I'm fighting these, like I take it to the, I take one to like the, you know,

a full like, you know, court case and it's kind of funny. Like my lawyer's like, are

you going to lie this much? I was like, it's the best my reelection recollection man. Like,

and I did, I lied so much that the jury, there's two counts that there's driving under the

influence and driving while intoxicated. And they found me guilty of driving, uh, with

more than 0.08 whatever it is, but they found me innocent of driving under the influence.

So it's like, it's impossible. Like my attorney's like, what is that? Like, I've never seen

that. I was like, I was such a liar. Like I believe myself. Um, the jury believed me,

it was whatever. So anyways, I look, so I got, uh, you know, so obviously, you know,

I've been in AA, I've been in court cards from 16 to 25. I got sober at 24 right before

I turned 25. And um, so I was very familiar with AA. Um, and um, you know, I do what any

good, it was a lot of the drunken stuff, like whatever dude, let's get, so there's a lot

of, you know, drunken terribleness and um, and uh, I did what any good alcoholic does

and call mom and I'm like, Hey mom, I need help. And you know, and um, and uh, my mom's

a whole nother story. I'm not even getting into that, but she, you know, so she was ready

for this call. So she's like, I'm going to send you to this rehab up in Washington and,

and get you out of here. So I go for 21 days to this rehab and, and uh, you know, I just

basically dried out and I drank sugar water cause I was shaking the whole time. Um, and

uh, I thought Washington was beautiful with trees and stuff. Apparently Eastern Washington

is desert. It was 120 in July. Uh, miserable. Um, let's say the 21 days and um, you know,

but it was cool cause there was this guy up there and you know, he played baseball and

like we just played catch man. And like some reason, like it just rekindled, like it felt

good. And um, you know, I came back and um, I go to this local clubhouse cause you know,

I, that's where I had gone for all my court cards in Thousand Oaks and um, so I knew where

to go and I'm kind of just floating in at noon and like, you know, I'm not really like

talking to anybody. I'm not really getting any, any names or numbers, but like I left

that rehab and they told me like, you're a loser and you are not going to stay sober.

So like, so now I've got resentment against them. Like, so I'm not going to drink just

to make them mad. Um, so I'm going to these meetings and I'm not drinking and like I'm

just kind of floating around and um, this guy, he uh, he was on this evangelical, like,

you know, crusade, like he was part of a bellflower big, big group and like his sponsors said,

you gotta go get sponsored. So this guy and comes and like swoops me up and he's like,

I'm going to be your sponsor and this and that. And I'm like, all right dude. And um,

he uh, tells me to do this and that. And then he tells me that he had just started sponsoring

this other guy and this guy, he like points to him and this guy is like this big, like,

like huge, like I won't say ogre looking cause it might get back to him. Um, but like it

was like, I mean this guy was not like the kind of guy I should be hanging out with.

Like cause I'm above that and he's got like chipped tooth and like he had a plastic bag

with like, you know, all this stuff in it. Like, and this new sponsors like, all right,

so you're going to take this guy to all the meetings, you're going to pick him up and

take him. Cause I still had this little beat up truck and he had nothing. And I was like,

all right dude, whatever. Like, you know, and so I started taking him in these meetings

and, and uh, so we're talking and turns out, you know, we have a few things in common and

you know, whatever. He's like 10 years older than me, but like, you know, I just let it

slide. And um, and uh, we're, we're going to meetings and like, and everybody at these

meetings like thinks I'm smoking weed. Like they think like they don't, they think I'm

taking dirty chips and like six months into it, like my buddy turns to me in the car one

day and he's like, he's like, Hey bro, like they all think you smoke weed, but I'm the

one smoking weed. And I'm like, what? Like, so he came clean and, and um, and uh, you

know, I was just cover like who knew? Like long story short, he got sober. I got sober.

We had that, that sponsor, um, that sponsor went out after a year. And then, um, we, uh,

somebody told us to go to, um, the yard, uh, Pacific group yard. And so I go out there,

I heard a bunch of stories and uh, I see these guys playing softball and you know, I mentioned

I love baseball. I was good at it. Um, and uh, and uh, I just, uh, I immediately like

felt comfortable. Like I, it was the first time in AA, like some people like, you know,

they love the meetings and going around shaking hands. I'm not good at it. Like I'm just,

I suck. Uh, some people like these dances and conventions. I don't like it. Um, but

the softball, like I loved. And so they told me like, all right, well you can play, you

just got to come to Wednesday night, you got to shave, you got to wear collared shirt,

you got to do this and that. And that's where the contrary actions like start coming in.

My head was like, no, like, you know, but my head has gotten me pretty much nowhere,

like at all. And um, so I started doing, I started shaving, I started putting on the

collared shirt, I started going to all the meetings, I started getting commitments at

those meetings. I started putting my hand out and shaking hands and like asking people

their name and like actually trying to remember their name. Um, because I, before I didn't

care, like, but now I'm like trying to remember their names and um, we started doing that

and I started doing the softball thing and, and um, my life changed significantly. Like,

uh, it, it, uh, I finally felt a part of, I finally felt like, you know, uh, the AA

was going to work for me before I was just kind of hanging on before I was doing this.

Like I just didn't want to drink again because I was tired of being sick. I was tired of

the way the people looked at me. I was tired of having those conversations, you know, like

before I got sober, you know, I live with this girl and I promised her like when she

moved in, I'm not going to drink. And two months later the cops are escorting her out

and you know, I've thrown all her stuff out and I'm watching Jerry Springer drinking Keystone

ice and he's like, really dude? Like, you know, and I'm yelling at the cops like, and

then my brother moved in, you know, two months after that I'm like, I am not going to drink.

And two months, three months after that my dad's like separating us cause I'm drunk and

like he's moving out. Like I always wanted to stop drinking. I met every time I said

I was going to stop drinking. I meant it, I meant it like wholeheartedly. I just couldn't

like I could not, I was powerless. Like once I, you know, if I'm drinking, I it's all bets

are off. And um, so you know, so that's why, you know, when I got into Pacific group and

just kind of jumped in and started doing the commitments and the steps and all of that

stuff, um, my life started changing because I didn't want to do it. I did not want to

do it at all. Not one bit of it, but I just kept doing it and things got better. Um, I,

um, uh, like a year and a half in, so I started doing that. So I played the softball and this

young lady kind of walked into a meeting and uh, we started hanging out. Um, that was 17

years ago and it said whatever it is now. Um, you know, we're still together. Um, so

I have this amazing wife. Tell her I said that. Uh, and uh, we have, uh, we just actually

celebrated 10 years or 10 years, a marriage last weekend. Um, and um, you know, that's

not stuff that like happens to a guy like me. Like I, I couldn't do anything for like

two days in a row. Like, you know, when I'm drinking, like no matter how hard I try, like

I, no matter how much like my intentions, like I could not string anything consistent

together. Um, and so I got sober and not only sober, but actually sober like mentally, spiritually,

not just physically. Um, I'll talk about that. Um, so I, uh, I, um, we, uh, yeah, so I got

sober and you know, we've, uh, I, uh, that first sponsor, he, he kind of, he went out

and he left and then I got this guy in Pacific group who was very action oriented like he was

all about contrary actions his goal in life was to give me contrary actions every second like

anything I wanted to do like he made me do something else like and for five years this

guy john g was very loud and very adamant that like you know I do moves I help people I just

be of service service service service service service service so much service and and it saved

my life like because I'm a self remember I said I'm selfish self-seeking dishonest and I'm just

full of fear like I will live there if you give me a chance and I I have a really good life you know

and I've stayed sober in the Pacific group and I guess I'll talk a little bit about what it's like

today for me so I haven't really talked about much so about three years ago my wife was we have

three kids at the time and she's pregnant and she's having complications earlier and she's on

bed rest and I got a call from my nanny and they found her unresponsive and I it was her birthday

and I went home and you know found her and we did some first aid you know I did some stuff to

whatever paramedics came and and you know they rushed her to the hospital and you know by the

time we get to the hospital I you know I've got like paramedics coming and that to me and saying

like we did everything we could man we're so sorry and like I mean it was pretty pretty intense and

you know long story short she was in the hospital for 10 days and somehow she walked out and the

doctors in the hospital is basically just their scientific like diagnosis is a miracle so that was

it was really intense it was really really crazy the reason I say that is because you know after

that you know three years ago you know we have three kids I've got a business I've been sober

we've got this great life and you know now we've been like given this blessing like we've been

given this like amazing opportunity you know my wife wasn't supposed to be here but she was

and so we have all this gratitude all this and this you know all this happiness but also what

was going on was you know I didn't realize like all night long I was getting up and like going

and checking on my kids all night long like five six times like you know and this went on for a

year and you know I thought I just had PTSD or whatever like you know and that original sponsor

that I had he had gotten sober on Thousand Oaks and he was on fire with the steps and he had about

six years of sobriety and Harold was out he had gone through this this way and Harold's had you

know you know it really worked for him and it worked for the other couple of the guys we knew

and they're like why don't you come out and do the steps with us in step group you know I was

like you know I do steps like you know I I'm sober you know I sponsor guys I go to meetings

I have commitments I say my prayers at night like I don't need to do the steps again like just come

on out so I go out this original sponsor and he's like you know we're talking I'm like yeah just

kind of tell him like yeah you know I got some PTSD or whatever he's like okay so he's like he's

like well let's just talk he's like you know step one he's like powerless over alcohol and you're

powerless over alcohol I'm like no you know you know I don't take a drink I don't you know so I

don't know you know if I don't take a drink I'm not gonna take another drink so I'm not powerless

right now and he's like unmanageable is your life unmanageable I'm like no dude like I just told you

I have this that and the other he's like dude you're getting up all night you're walking around

he's like it sounds like me like you're full of fear I was like oh yeah maybe I am like maybe

it's not just PTSD it's long story short I start going through the steps with him and with this

group and what I did was I took it really really seriously and I did the fourth and fifth and the

way they do it is you read your your fourth and fifth or you read your fifth and they give you

he's writing the whole time he like gives me what they call a receipt and on that receipt was all my

character defects as he saw them from what I was saying and I look at this list and there's like

a hundred like character defects and I'm like look man like are you serious like that's ridiculous

like like were you not listening to the same thing I was like I got 18 years of sobriety like

you chill out man like he's like cool yeah yeah so and he's like here's what we're gonna do now

you know and we jumped into six and seven so then we identified my you know six and and then seven

was you know asking god you know for the contrary for the contrary actions and that's when my life

really really changed was was the six and seven and the fear inventory I forgot about that so

the fear inventory that was the other thing that we did so I did the fear inventory and I gave it

to him and there's like 15 fears and he looks at me he's like you gotta be kidding me he's like you

need to go sit and write for a while he's like I want you to write every single fear you have like

write your fears fears like you know put them all down and I was like all right man and like I

ended up writing like 100 fears I wrote it I did it and I gave it to god and um um did the six and

seven and um I gotta tell you like within like you know a few weeks like I stopped getting up at

night like I stopped I stopped well I didn't stop entirely like you know maybe like once but like it

wasn't like five six times it wasn't like all night like there wasn't like that fear that I

didn't even realize I had because the thing about alcoholism the thing the thing is about alcoholism

is like I'm always the last one to see my alcoholism like my wife can see it my friends

can see it my sponsor can see it anybody else can see it like I can't see it like that's that's why

this is this disease is so insidious like I think everything's cool like if you would ask me if

everything was fine I would have told you yes um and um you know going back through these steps has

been a huge huge um huge huge like bump to my sobriety because I was doing you know I was doing

all the basic stuff and you know I really got back into in the mornings you know I wake up first thing

at 5 30 and I hit my knees and I say the third step and I say the seven step prayer and you know

in the past I've always like asked God um oh and I I say it out loud now so God can actually hear me

um which is kind of weird like the first night I did it with my wife like they're like no you

gotta say it out loud so I draw to my knees and I always get on my knees and I'm like dear God like

and my wife's like her ears pure like perk up and uh you know I started like saying like please help

me with this and please help me with that and then like I hear my wife and please help him with like

I'm like okay yeah now now that you know she's mine too so anyway so that's how I start my

mornings you know and and what I do is I ask God for the contrary action and that's a big difference

for me like before it was always like hey God like you know help me not be so this and help me be like

that which is fine but like now I wake up and I'm like oh my God help me to be kind help me to be

patient help me to be loving like help me to you know keep my my hands open you know and be able

to accept like whatever is coming my way and like it's just a kind of it's just been a change of like

you know um you know change of just kind of mental whatever and small little tweak and um

it's made a big difference you know and like I said I've got four uh you know four kids all

under the age of 10 so my life uh gets a little bit uh challenging here and there um and I can't

get to as many meetings as I do but you know I um on a daily basis I make sure that I check in with

like three four I call my sponsor every day and I make sure to check in with like three four you

know so Remembrance of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day because you know I gotta stay connected

I gotta like like I said I don't see half the things like you know I don't see the obvious

things in me but if I you know consistently see people they're like hey like you know something's

not you know this isn't right or that's not right um and um I uh I think I'm just about close and

um there's nothing better than a speaker that ends a few minutes early so I really want to thank

Alex for uh having me out here this meeting was awesome I love the way you guys approach things

and the two the 10 minutes that was again that was awesome I really appreciate it and thanks

for having me out here