Susan's Journey: From Early Temptations to Sobriety

Hi. Thank you very much, Scott, for asking me. My name is Susan. I'm an alcoholic.

I'll work everything out of sequence here anyway. But I do want to thank everybody in

the group and especially my old friends there that are used to seeing me. I've heard my

story. Saw me when I came in dazed and confused. And I want to say hi to my best friend is

here. You need one of those. What a surprise. And Stephanie and my daughter, Lori, and those

two ladies are my go tos when when for some reason I can't reach my sponsor. And I'm glad

to have them in my life. They've been in my life. Well, Lori, all her life. I'm a little

nervous because I haven't done this in a while. And, you know, if you guys fall asleep, it's

okay. I don't mind really. I was born in California, actually, in the valley. They're right around

the St. Mark's Church where I wasn't born there. I was born in Glendale, but I lived

there as a child and in the 50s. So you can figure that from there. And my my experience,

I was just always like, not the most popular, but I had a lot of friends. I wasn't the girlfriend.

I was the sister, you know, I was always there, but I never really knew how things worked.

I know it started out though, I had a relationship with God when I was young, because as it started,

my parents used to sing at that little St. Mark's Church. And I went to church there

as a young, very young kid. And I remember sitting in the tree in back in the backyard,

and I remember asking God what he had in store for me, what, what, what was I going to do?

What did he want me to do? And funny thing, looking at this end of it, I'm still trying

to tell him what I need to do. But anyway, so I wasn't the most popular. But like I said,

I had a lot of friends did a lot of things. Um, you know, we goofed off. They I had a

I had a cutting school party at my house, and they drank a lot of my dad's booze. And

we had this one girl in the shower that was barfing so hard, but I didn't drink anything

because I was too worried about my parents coming home and busting us, you know, and

so I was more concerned about that. Um, high school, not so much. One time a girl gave

me a pink lady. Well, that was exciting. Um, and then I met a man nine years older than

me on a blind date. He had the best car in the valley. And he would come at lunch and

pick me and my girlfriend up so we could smoke and then he would bring a little thing of

brandy and we pour some in our coke and think we were really hot when we went back to school,

but I wasn't a big drinker at all. In fact, I kind of didn't like to be around people

that drank, you know, my dad and all his family drank a lot. My grandfather was alcoholic.

And so it was not just not something that really interested me. The is really it was,

um, I don't know when I by the time I was 15, I was still asking, what's What am I supposed

to do? What am I going to be? What am I going to be when I grow up, you know, and I just

didn't know that I had no direction. I just really didn't know where I was going and what

I was going to do high school then and then I got married and married the man on from

the blind date and had two kids and I joined the women's club and those girls can drink.

So I started drinking with them. And you know, we had they we had a special bar that we went

to back in the old days, the Bel Air Bowl was there and they had a lounge and we would

go in there and sure enough, we drink and have a good time, you know, and but not to

excess. Um, about the same time, I decided to get a job. So I went to work as a bikini

dancer at the candy cat out on Devonshire and I didn't drink that wasn't interested

in it. But I would go to the bar every night on my way home because there was nothing to

go home for. I mean, my husband worked early and I worked late. So part of that little

fiasco there really showed me that you know, I did have a normal life but I kind of got

rid of it because one night at the bar, one of the girls said that guy over there is a

drug dealer and I said really and so I went over and sat down at his table and started

talking to him and left my husband for him and we got married and that's what we did.

You know, we did a lot of drugs and did a lot of things and still not a lot on drinking.

I just I was kind of a drug snob. You know, I just I worked at beer bars and stuff and

I said I just don't want to deal with these people off work, you know, and I didn't want

to drink like that. But anyway, so years went by and the kids grew. We did a we moved to

Louisiana for nine years. That was interesting. Learned a lot learned to drink. That's one

of the things I learned down there and came back to California and it was same thing,

you know, drinking got went got back into the drug scene, things like that again. And

you know, finally the after 20 some years I had just had it and told my husband, you know,

I'm done. I'm leaving. My girls had all gone off in different directions and I had

enough. And so I got a divorce and in 86 and I celebrated for the next nine years and

pretty much ran myself into the ground. At first it was just the fun things, you know,

oh, I'm going to, you know, go out drink, meet some people, things like that. And then

it was, well, I'm not really going to go out with anybody. You know, I'm just going

to drink at home as I would get too wasted and I didn't want to do that because it was

embarrassing. And so, and I really didn't want people to know how much I was drinking

and the ones that did know how much I was drinking, stop being friends because they

didn't have any use for me. You know, all I do would be drink, get drunk, throw up,

go home, you know, which is no fun either. But I kind of went along like this for

quite a while and it was becoming a big problem. I was getting to the point where I

couldn't, I couldn't go to work without leaving to either drink or to leave

completely. I was physically a wreck then at that point. I remember there were times

when I would get in the shower and I couldn't stand the water hitting my body. It just

stung it. I didn't know what I was going to do. So I kept trying to sober up myself.

This was my Valium sobering. So what, what I would do is I would drink all week, all

weekend. And then I would, on Sunday night I would take a Valium and Monday I would

take a Valium and I would go to work and I'd be okay until Thursday. Then I had to

drink again because I couldn't make it. I couldn't make it a whole week. So it got so

bad. I, I was leaving work early. I was hiding. I didn't know what to do. I didn't

want anybody to know I was drinking like they couldn't figure that out. And it all

pretty much came to a head when I went to visit my daughter who had moved and taken

my grandson who is six and disabled at the time. And they've moved to Vegas. And

so I would go to Vegas and see them. And I drove down there. And by the time I got

there, this one time it was my birthday. I got there and I sat down in the chair and

promptly passed out and hit the floor. And I woke up to my little grandson saying,

grandma, grandma, are you okay? Are you okay? And I spent the rest of the weekend

drinking and my, my daughter, it was time for me to go home. And my daughter said,

mom, please, please don't drink. Please just go home. Don't drink anymore. And I

said, I won't, I won't, you know, which I went immediately to the store, uh,

bought my bottle, which was, um, uh, Sousa commemorative. And I remember

popping off the lid at the bottom of the driveway. And then I came to on the 118

just before the Topanga exit, which is what I needed to take to go home. And the

first thought in my head was I better go to the liquor store because I got, I'm

going to, I have to have something to take home. I can't go home without

anything else to drink. So I had drunk at fifth on the way in that drive. Don't

remember any of it. Um, that was, that was the worst part right there was I

went home and then I spent the next four days at home. I told him I fell down the

stairs, which I think I did. And I was bruised up pretty bad. So I must have, um,

I called work and everything and put that off. And I knew, I knew I was going to

lose my job. I knew I was going to, everybody was going to know what was

going on with me. And I just, I would pass out. I'd wake up, you can't call it

sleep. I would just pass out, wake up the liquor store delivered and took my

checks and that worked just fine. And that's all I did for those four days. And

then I don't know when one time when I came to, I don't know, I just, I thought

I can't go on like this. And, and I actually thought at that moment about

taking the car and driving over the Malibu Ganyan and just right over the

edge. And the next thought in my head was what would my children tell my

grandchildren that I had done? And that still gives me chills because I'll never

forget that it wasn't from inside me. It was from outside of me. And I just had a

realization at that moment. So I called my oldest daughter, daughter, and she came

and got me and she drove back up to Ventura and took me to a detox there. And

I remember as we were approaching the detox, I was thinking, I'm totally out of

it thinking, I'm never going to have fun again. I can't imagine what I thought

was fun about the torture about the prison that I had created for myself

within myself. I couldn't break loose of it. I couldn't change it. I couldn't do

anything about it. I couldn't drink and I couldn't not drink. I was just in that. I

didn't know what else to do. And so when by the time I got into the detox, I was

terrified. I didn't know what they were going to do. I didn't know what I should

do. I didn't know anything. I was just, I was terrified. And I remember standing

there at the window and just asking God to please help me. And that, that moment

changed everything for me. My perspective changed. My, what I learned in, in there,

I was so interested in what they had to say. I was so glad to not drink. I was so

thankful that I had a place to be. I wasn't very nice the first few days they

told me, but I did what they asked. I went through the papers. I read the things

they said to read. And I began to think that there might be a way for me to get

out of this prison that I'm in. I don't want to go back. I knew I was probably

within months of physically dying was what I could, what I felt like. And so I, I

did everything they said to do while I was there. They took us to meetings, which

was really very interesting because I'd gone to one or two before with somebody

else. And I swear they were all wearing trench coats and I was having none of

that. And so I wasn't up for that at all, but they sent us, sent us out that, and I

stayed at my daughter's one night. And then I drove back to back down into, I was

up in West West Hills. And I spent that whole, I came home Sunday night, excuse

me. I spent Monday morning with going to the central office. I got a meeting

directory and then I sat there and I picked out the meeting I was going to

that night. And I went there and I drove around and made sure that it was safe,

that I could be there at night by myself. This is how weird I was. But anyway, and I

went to that meeting that night, Monday night meeting. I walked up to it. Three

people came up to greet me, Kevin Colette and Milton. And they said welcome and

come in. And everybody was dressed nice. And the secretary for that meeting was

Bruce, all dressed in a suit. And the other women that came in, they had on

business dresses and heels. And I thought, these people can't possibly drink like I

was drinking this. I don't get this. You know, this must be lightweight stuff here,

but it wasn't. And I was, I sat and started taking notes because people were

sharing. And the sharing, I heard my story and I heard me and I heard about other

people's prison and how hard it was to overcome that and what they went through

to have that moment of clarity and that first day of absolute sobriety and what

that first day meant to me. And so that was life's in session. And I stuck with

them from that day on. I did everything they asked. I was so grateful to be

somewhere where somebody knew something that I didn't know and could coach me,

bring me, teach me how to live my life. Because I could never figure out exactly

how to live it. I'm one of these, oh, this came up, we do that, or that comes up, we

do this. But all this time I had purpose. And it started out really easy. I mean, it

was make your bed every day, make your bed every day. I still do it. And I still

think the same thing. Make your bed every day, you know, go to go to 90 meetings in

90 days. Oh, you bet I will read the big book cover to cover. Well, that was a

little hard because it kept falling on me when I fell asleep. But I did it. And I

loved it. And every meeting got better and better and better. As six months, I

went into H&I, I worked the conventions, I participated in my sobriety, like I

never understood how to do something like that. Show up for the birthdays, you know,

be there when when new people came in, walk up and introduce yourself, get out of

yourself. And that's hard to do, especially me. I'm an isolator. I'm a, you know, I

curl in on myself. I'm self self self. And that's, that's where I am. But I learned

not to be like that. I learned to be able to walk in and introduce yourself and get

to know people and listen to their part of their life and not to worry about

yours. Because if you're listening to theirs, you don't need to worry about

yours. You're fine. Excuse me, I'm sorry today. Well, I think like like everybody,

it's been a little hard to do the meeting things. It was here anyway. And I

kind of didn't have my connection back. So when I found out that this was zoom

meetings, I said, Oh, primarily, I'm going back there. And I have found a couple

meetings here that I like that I'm comfortable in. It's like I said, I'm now

sometimes, you know, but it's not that I don't want to be there. And it's not that

I don't want to listen. And I do and I have, it's just there's other things. I

don't want to say there's other things in my life is that's not right. It's I miss

the things I had before with the diligence with the understanding with the

the actual camaraderie. And that's been a little difficult for me to find that

here. Not that it's not here. It's been difficult for me to find that here. And I

don't know if it's if it's because I'm older. I don't know what it is. I don't

care what it is. But I have done a lot of a lot more dedicated things with God in

my life. And that has become extremely important to me. Although I still have to

remember to surrender control to God every day, I have to remind myself that

you know, God does just fine without me. He doesn't need my advice. I'm willing to

give it but he doesn't need it. And one of the things that I've really struggled

with is that worrying about things. You know, my mom used to say worry, never

climbed a hill where worry never paid a bill. Well, like I said, since I isolate

so much, and I don't have best friends, I have my children and my grandchildren

and my great grandchildren. And that is pretty much my life now. You know, it's

so important to me to have that relationship with my grandchildren and my

great grandchildren. You know, they're, they're amazing. There's, there's seven

of them. And they're all amazing. And every one of them is just cute as they

can be. I had one of the boys over one day, and I was cleaning out my God box,

and he opened it and pulled out all my chips. And he goes, Giga, what are these,

you know, and I explained, and then he pulled out a piece of paper, and he

opened it. And he goes, why is my name on this paper? And I said, that's because I

pray for you. And I put that in my God box there, you know, and so he also has

that spiritual, you know, leaning, it's so it's kind of a miracle to watch this,

it's a miracle that I that I made it to the detox, it's a miracle that I made it

to life's in session that I made my first meeting, it's a miracle that I was

able to understand and finally find a place where I could understand what was

going on where it did make perfect sense to me where where everything that we did

had a purpose. And that purpose was obvious. And I missed that I missed that

discipline. I missed that, you know, accountability, if you will, that is it's

hard when you're an isolator. I wish that there was, you know, more that I

could say about that. But I don't know how much I don't know how much more I

could say except that I found a place I've made a place to some degree, but I

miss I miss the big group, but I don't miss my God because he's there. And my

relationship with him has changed everything. And that has been one of the

primary things of my staying sober is that relationship is knowing that he

loves me, he is in control. And I have seen and had miracles happen where I

know it's not me, I didn't do it, he did that. And so I don't have a problem in

that area with with understanding that my only problem is me forgetting to turn

over my issues to him and letting him take care of that, you know, just one of

those things of hanging on too tight and learning to surrender even at 26 years

learning to surrender learning that to give give away your control, turn that

over, give that up, it's hard for me to do. I'm not. I'm a control freak. And I'm

not proud of it. That's not one of the better sides of me, I'd prefer not to be

like, I really like to like the moments when I'm close closer to him. But I found

it that also that during the times that I'm feel distant, or I'm struggling with

distance, or I don't feel like I belong because I don't work anymore. And that

that takes a lot of the social out of your life. And so not having those things,

sometimes that's the time when God appears to me more when I feel closer to

him, because when things are singing along and real good, you kind of don't

think about I know, when I was little, I used to think of God like Santa Claus,

God, if you ask him for something, he's going to give it to you, or ask him and

maybe he'll give it to you, you know, and that's, that's not who my God is today.

Today, my God is there with me, he knows that I need to be sober, he keeps me

sober through love. And honestly, through the miracles through the family that I

have through my children through my best friend, because they all speak God to me.

And I like that. I didn't think I was going to turn this into a God thing. I

thought it was going to stay with not drinking and drugging and things like

that. But I can tell you that today I am so grateful that I don't drink I have

one of my granddaughters who's 24 has never seen me drink or drunk. None of my

great grandchildren and have seen me drink at all. I mean, they don't they

don't even think about that. That's not what they call me giga. That's not what

giga does, you know, that just isn't part of it. So I don't have any pearls of

wisdom, I think I wish I did. Because I would gladly share those. All I know is

that I needed to be sober, I got sober, I was given a gift, I can never repay

ever. I try to do that at the best I can. If it's helped to form the young

children, that's that's important too, because this runs in my family. And it

has run in my husband's both of theirs families. And so that makes it tough for

my kids and my grandkids and my great grandkids because they've got it too. And

some of their parents, you know, the fathers or the whoever, you know, the

mother or whatever. And so this is something it's a family deal. And I

strive to show them the right way to live your life. And we talk about

alcohol, we talk about people that drink that, you know, it's how that is for

them. And they know that they've seen that not with me, but they've seen it.

So um, I don't know if I'm cutting this short or what I am kind of actually

don't know what else to say. Thank you. I want to, you know, thank Scott for

asking me to share. It's been a long time since I've done this. You can tell

I'm pretty scattered. I don't mean to be. I'm going to blame it on my age, I

think. But I want to thank license session quality of life at the people.

Okay, I just want to thank Bruce also for being there being such a good

example. When I walked in, I want to thank my best friend Stephanie and my

daughter Lori for their guidance, their love, their, you know, their support.

This is a wonderful meeting. I love coming. I love seeing you all again, and

listening to you. And just, you know, it's it's wonderful experience for me.

Now, if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone that wants it bad

enough. I'm sorry, I think I'm done.

I'm not going to go into a big speech at all. But thank you, everyone. I

really appreciate it. It's wonderful. I've never thought I'd make it. Don't

drink, don't die. That's all.

Well, it's my story and it's all I can do. It was great, right? Good job,

honey. Love you guys. Thank you.