27 Years Sober: Bruce’s Path from Childhood Chaos to Recovery

Hi, my name's Bruce and I'm an artist and thanks Scott for asking me to come out and speak.

I spoke at the other location one time, I remember the chant, which is very endearing.

And which signifies that you all have a real tight break, which is really fun.

My sobriety date is August 13th, 1994, so I just passed 27 years.

And now I'm using my app to count down to 10,000 days, which will be the end of December.

And so I grew up in Santa Monica, my parents were, my dad was clearly an alcoholic, my mom was kind of a follower.

And they did cocktail parties when I was a kid. They did cocktail parties all the time.

And I remember on our house on 9th Street, I was under 10 years old, coming out of the room while they're rolling back the rugs and dancing and listening to Joan Baez or whatever.

And they'd have recorded concerts, you know, they'd play and they'd have that thing that you hear when people are drinking that laughter that's kind of false, it sounds false to us, you know.

And they'd be in the whole room, you know, and I'd come out in my pajamas and kind of scratching my head going, you know, trying to sleep here.

But they were kind of the kids should be seen and not heard types. And so they didn't do much about that.

They didn't really instill a lot of, I don't know, self-reliance in me.

They bragged about me all the time because I was smart enough to learn how to read early and I skipped second grade.

So I was in the same grade as my older brother. And so I got a lot of chops for being smart.

And that was kind of the tag I got. You know, I had big vocabulary. I still could do crossword puzzles like a mean dog.

But the, you know, the school thing, you know, long about sixth grade or something, I started not really being able to talk to them about anything.

And I so it was kind of like the word impossible came to mind at that time.

Still, that's the word, the nearest word, because it was just impossible to share anything, especially about girls, especially about puberty things.

You know, I couldn't talk to my dad. I couldn't talk to them about much because I didn't think they'd understand.

In fact, I was certain they would not understand. So why would I talk to them?

And so that's one of the hallmarks of my whole life is that my ability to be certain that certain things exist.

And right now I'm getting much better at discerning the fantasy from the real.

And but for a long time, you know, it was hard to function in school because I was two years younger than everybody.

We moved out to Virginia for a couple of years when I was 12 and I started drinking there.

And I had, you know, just that thing where you have a quarter beer at a party or something and then you graduate to courts or something.

And and at the time, I hated courts of beer because I got warm.

But in any event, it was it was liberating.

And and and, you know, I did all the stupid things that people do when they're 13 and drinking on the way we were coming home.

We're going to fly to Florida for my grandparents. And I had a hangover.

I had to throw up before we went to the airport. And so my parents were going nerves.

You know, they had never dawned on them that I might be hungover. And so I still remember that day being there.

Finally, finally, later in the evening, being feeling OK, meeting my cousins and walking around even Florida.

But so when we got back here, I didn't drink very much in high school.

Once again, I started again, I was very young for my grade.

I was two years younger than everybody. And so there were many times in high school that I didn't talk to anybody all day long.

I would go take my test, take my time, you know, take my notes and walk from class to class and never say a word.

And, you know, that's weird. And I didn't do any pep rallies or football games.

They stopped taking attendance that year, which was remarkable.

So I didn't skip a lot because I didn't really have it that big of a rebellious streak.

But I did change my my major from university prep to college prep so I could get out of trigonometry and get out early so I could go to work in my last semester,

which is quite ironic because I became a surveyor, which is one of the only known uses for trigonometry.

And I had to relearn that. And other than the firing of large weapons.

But so I you know, we started drinking a little bit there after high school. I remember we we we drank for our graduation, barely made the graduation.

I remember that I remember, you know, but I didn't go to the grad night thing.

I didn't go to any dances. I didn't go to the prom. One time much later, I was secretary at a meeting and a girl showed up to speak in a big red gown.

And I was wondering what's with the gown. And she said she was going to a party for all the people that missed their prom.

So I thought that was pretty sweet. But so, you know, by the time I was 22, I moved out finally.

And I also discovered drinking in the morning. I was painting houses with my friend, which is quite the cliche, drunk house painters.

But he didn't drink. He had ideas and he would smoke pot all the time.

And at that time I was smoking pot, too. But, you know, he would have the idea like at the beginning of the year, he would stop in pot for three months or two months or do it for Lent or something.

And I never quite got that. I started drinking every day at about 22, 23, something like that.

And, you know, the day I got my tonsils out when I was 24 was might be the only day I didn't drink beer until I was 32.

And I didn't get sober when I was 32. I got sober when I was 39. But I'll get into that in a second.

So I got, you know, drinking for me was like kind of like a combination of having a spring unwind and a combination of feeling like that tornado just had gripped me and brought me down on Main Street and let me go.

And so it was like that feeling of getting away with murder and just being super excited about just being. And I love that.

And it took away my fear of party situations and stuff like that. But I always overshot the mark. So I wasn't very attractive with my, you know, efforts.

And so when I got to be about 24, 25, I got a job at a place called the Gemilogical Institute on their maintenance department.

And they had a trailer out back that we drank in after work. And we got to drink during the day at break times because the boss drank.

And I used to run at lunchtime, come back and have two beers and shower work. And that's really nice buzz with a couple of beers and some endorphins and shower and go back to work.

But in any event, I quit that job finally. And I started painting houses again. And my my boss was a friend of mine.

And he told me, you know, you got to at least do some myths or something, because I long ago had discovered that I needed to drink a couple of beers in the morning because I was never willing to let that final whatever you call it, three, four hours, five hours.

Of being drunk to being relatively sober. And so that I went off to I did go off to school to become a surveyor.

And I discovered the the school in a little tiny ad in the back outside magazine.

I answered this ad and my mother said she'd pay for it. So off I went.

And, you know, barely had any conversations with me about my drinking because it was a mess at that time.

And I when I got there to Denver, I started drinking before school because, again, I couldn't handle that thing of having to wait all the way till I was sober.

I just I just wasn't willing to let that happen. And so there were periods that I came home from it went in June, came home for Christmas that year.

And I my little niece was about eight years old. She looked at my eyes and said, why are your eyes yellow, Bruce?

And so when I went back, my roommate went to the school nurse and came home with a note that said, stop drinking alcoholic beverages or say goodbye.

And I wish I still had that note. I probably crumpled it up and threw it away, but I quit drinking at that time.

But I drank beer. And we have a saying around here or some of us do that non alcoholic beers for non alcoholics.

And so because it does have some alcohol in it. And it's it's a it's a really kind of a lame approach to the whole thing.

And so I remember when I was at my outpatient program, the one of the counselors had a guy in there who wanted to have an alcohol free corona with his Mexican food.

And the guy said, you know what? I think the word I think of when I see a person in a drinking a near beer asshole.

So in any event, so I came back, I had periods of not drinking and then I would go back and it was always the same, always the same pattern.

I would have a couple. I would have three and I'd have four. And then pretty soon I'm buying a six pack.

And it's a day after two after that that I'm buying 12 so I can have three of them in the morning.

And, you know, I used to leave beer in the car overnight, so I wouldn't drink it and drink warm beer on the way to work.

So that ended in 1987. I got so sick of it and tired, so tired that I called up a place up in Arrowhead and they came down and picked me up.

And they drove down from Lake Arrowhead and picked me up in Santa Monica and drove me back up there.

And I hadn't had any to drink after I called the guy and he even had some with him in case I needed it.

And I said, no, no, no. But when I got up there, I blew a 28 on their meter, you know, and I was walking around feeling normal.

And, you know, my brother had the same situation in Indiana when he got a DUI.

The lady said, you know, you're you're walking around acting normal when most people would be on the ground.

You know, that's that makes you habitual. And that's what I was. You know, I was completely soaked.

And but I quit drinking. And then the kicker I you know, I heard about up there and I heard the counselor and she was one of those women that could just reduce you to tears.

And but I never saw I sort of downplayed the cocaine thing.

And then when I got back, I was relatively sober for a minute and didn't want to quit doing coke.

So I did Coke for seven years without drinking, which is one of the stupidest plans of the three plans that you can come up with combination of those things.

And so by the time I finally got sober, I was spending every nickel I had on it.

I was nickel and diamond. My mom, who was not very well, I was getting her to pay my rent sometimes when I lived in another apartment.

And I had a I had a good union job surveying and I had a little Honda that had an example I will give from where my priorities were as I had this Honda Accord had a slowly tire that needed air every day.

And I wouldn't buy a tire, you know, it's like buying tires for your car.

So in any event, I lasted until August of ninety four. Notice on my nose. It's just when I talk about the last until August of ninety four.

I was working in the union and company that I really wanted to work for in Santa Monica.

And we were working at a refinery and they nailed me on one of their random drug tests.

And I'm not sure that this one was random in hindsight because I was dripping all the time.

I would use that stuff you used to be able to buy for severe cold and flu stuff that would dry you up a little bit.

You know, but I was still dripping like a fire hose and blowing my nose all the time.

And I would go to work after having done it at night and I would try to pretend to be sleeping because I would get all this paranoia.

I would pretend to be sleeping and turn the lights out and lie there and get up all rubber legs and go to work.

And I'd be just in a in a bad way of paranoia and until about nine. And then that imminent that feeling of imminent doom where someone's going to say you're on something.

And I would be planning the next night when I could borrow money from the coke dealer and get some more, you know, or finding into something that waiting for Friday or whatever.

And so I got busted and I got fired. I'm going to get busted by the law. Just the just the refinery tested me and tested positive.

And I had five days off it because I hadn't didn't have any money and they fired and that got my attention.

And I know people in a get fired all the time. And, you know, you know, it was one of my hallmarks of my denial that I I used the fact that I could show up work no matter what.

As a defense, you know, it was kind of like my thing. You know, no, I'm not fucked up. I look at me, I'm showing up.

And so in any event, I got fired and I went to my brother who was six years sober at the time.

My younger brother was five years sober at the time. Both of them are over 30 years over now.

And my sister was 10 years sober when I got a year. Then she left AA and took a karate.

So she's not maybe not one of us, but in any event. So I went to my brother and I said, what? You know, because I looked in the union book and said, there's if you do a if you do a program and complete a program, they have to give you your job back if there's work for you.

Well, you know, the outpatient program I went to was a year. And so I got a little antsy with that and I tried to get them to write a letter, but they wouldn't.

And at that time, I go back to that company because I got another job with another company by a guy who trusted that I was getting sober and was willing to hire me.

And I would go back there every so often for a year or two, three, and they finally hired me back after four years.

But that outpatient program was perfect for me because I was living in my mother's condo.

She had to move to an assisted living place at that time because she had emphysema and I was living in her condo and for about six months using and then about six months sober.

And, you know, I lost my train of thought. In any event, going to that outpatient program, you know, I went to I remember one of my big surrender days was going down there and having them sit me down in their office and explain the program.

And with the four meetings they wanted me to go to and two outside meetings and their alumni meeting, that's seven days a week.

And I remember saying yes and feeling like I was falling back off the chair, even though I wasn't. And it was it was remarkable.

And that was the beginning of a huge shift of, you know, sort of taking care of the maintenance of myself better, you know, going to all these groups.

And, you know, and there was like secrets night one night counselor said, you know, it's break time. But when we come back and I got a secret, you got to spit it out.

And I had this chill go over me because I knew I was going to have to share something I didn't want to. And I did.

And, you know, it was a turning point because it made me feel like, you know, I was willing to participate.

It's not really the word let go of that thing. It just says no, no, no.

You know, one because, you know, we perfect that one day at a time thing. We had that down long before we came to AA because I could always just sort of say I can do this for one more day.

And but, you know, all of the I remember the times that I, you know, when I was newly sober, I went to Thursday night meetings at a clubhouse in Santa Monica that was 26th and Broadway.

For anyone who knows where that is. And it's, you know, it's a dedicated clubhouse with 84 seats and it was fantastic.

I would go there on Thursday night and I went like I missed all of Seinfeld because I went every Thursday night for several years.

And then I went every Saturday for a long time. I went every Tuesday and I was secretary of two different ones of those.

And, you know, that was one of those things where, you know, if you're new, that's one of my strongest suggestions is to go to the same meeting all the time.

You guys have a really great group here, a lot of regulars, which is good.

And if you're new here, you can see that I hope you appreciate it because the idea there was I remember the excitement I had for those meetings was so helpful.

I could just imagine, you know, who's going to be there and, you know, who's going to be the speaker.

And it was a real excitement about, you know, that kind of anticipation that was really fun.

And I still have that feeling about going to meetings and not so much when I'm waiting for the meeting to start.

But I do go to two meetings right now. And so that was the beginning.

And, you know, I had to, you know, go out of my way to meet people.

I had to go out of my way to I remember the time the first time I asked someone to dance at a CA dance and I went out the door.

I went back in. I went out the door. I was going home. I went back in. Thank God this woman said yes the first time I asked her.

And so, you know, I remember going to a friend's wedding in San Diego and feeling left out because I didn't know anybody.

And I walk out the door and I'm going home and I would turn myself around and go back in there and sit down and, you know, be part of the group, even if even if I was scared.

And coming out here, for example, I always get a little bit of stage fright when I'm going to speak.

And I always, you know, have a sort of that anticipation and dread thing going on in the middle of the day.

But since I got here, I didn't have it because, you know, it's not that I remember any of you from the other time I spoke, but I remember the chant and I remember the group.

And so it's it was, you know, it's really fun to to reconnect with you all.

Now, when I was am I going to 25 after by that clock?

Yeah. OK. The when I was younger, my parents never took us to church.

They never did any kind of religious stuff at all.

So and they were both clearly diehard atheists.

And but we never really talked about it.

So I was in that mode. My best friend at the time was he went to Catholic school and he was kind of hardwired for it.

So when he got sober, it was all a little easier for him, I think, to take it in.

And, you know, when I got sober, I mean, I still have the paperwork for joining the American Atheist Society in my glove box.

And you can argue if I never send it in, that's the hand of God or something.

But I, I still officially call myself an atheist, but I'm more like a nervous atheist because I I'm certainly cannot possibly deny that something marvelous and wonderful and earth shattering happened.

And so, you know, when that you know, it's like I remember hearing when I was new, a couple of things that resonated for me.

One was a guy said, you know, when they wrote that book, that kind of white bread Protestant Christianity was the only thing that they could put out.

You know, you can't imagine them putting out a tract on Buddhism in the 1930s and expecting a whole movement to step up around it.

It just wouldn't have happened. So it was like, OK, but I still kind of felt argued against with the chapter to the agnostic.

I don't like the reasoning. But another another thing that someone said at the time was I got all the evidence I need that something wonderful and good and call it a higher power if you want is happening.

But the fact that I'm sober. Right. And so, you know, the you know, the the job thing, I mean, I like to talk a little more about my job than my romantic successes.

Otherwise we'd have a pretty short talk. But the job thing went finally my way.

I got four years later, I got fired back by the company that fired me and they actually hired me as a party chief.

That was my type of party chief. And so a group of surveyors is called a survey party and the chief of the party is called party chief.

So I was a party chief and I you know, we did construction and then we started working on mostly buildings.

We did a lot of subdivisions up in the mountains and out in the new hall area and stuff.

But then we started working on these buildings. And, you know, I got to where I was one of the best guys.

And my final one was something on the order of 73 stories, the Wilfrid ground downtown.

And I did a lot of surveying on that one. And, you know, it was one of those things where they they didn't I mean,

the bosses knew that they had fired me, but no one else did. The company wasn't really allowed to know.

I remember there was one fellow who took a bunch of of Vicodin or something one day at work.

He was a bodybuilder guy and he took one because he had a pain and some muscle or something.

And it didn't come on fast enough. So he took another. Well, by one o'clock, you can barely understand the guy.

And he got mad at me for saying something and stormed off the job.

So I had to tell the company, you know, that's exactly what happened.

So I told the girl, you know, that I had been fired. And, you know, and, you know, in hindsight,

you know, I could have put my name on the union book when they fired me.

If I if my nose would quit dripping for an hour long interview, I could have gotten another job.

You know, I didn't have to tell anybody. And I'm really glad that that I surrendered at that time to do that,

because I I could have tried to keep it going. And I'm really glad I didn't.

You know, I like to think of my life and sobriety as as going in directions rather than goals.

When I was a couple of years sober, somebody suggested therapy with gritted teeth.

And so I went to therapy for a long number of years and it really helped me.

And although the therapist, fine woman that she was, she and I had a disagreement about one thing,

which is that she thought that someone with 20 years in AA with several slips is exactly the same as someone with 20 years of continuous sobriety.

And I disagree. And there's something magic and wonderful and otherworldly about the continuity, in my opinion.

Certainly no one who goes out should be ashamed of it. And certainly they should be coming back immediately.

They don't lose anything they learned. But there's something really special about that continuity.

And so I am. Where was I? Oh, when I started in on that outpatient program, I remember having to kind of grit my teeth for the prayers.

And I remember kind of thinking, you know, this is a little much.

But then I went over to this organization called Rational Recovery in Westwood and I wanted to get their book and see if they could somehow duplicate this without God or something.

And I swear, I walked in there and I looked around for about a minute and a half and turned around because I had already felt the depth of the message from AA.

And I never went back there again and never read their book because it seemed like a book selling mission as opposed to sobriety that we have.

And, you know, I, you know, in my in my changes in directions, as I was saying, you know, I did that.

I went to therapy and then I went to a workshop for the artist's way because I had always done calligraphy and I wanted to identify what those feelings were.

And now I've identified a desire to learn how to write. And so I took workshops and classes at UCLA Extension and a bunch of workshops with a couple of different writers and wrote short stories for about 10 or 12 years.

And it faded out. But during that time, I had a couple of things published and I never lit the world on fire.

But the principle, one of the principles that I have lived by in my sobriety is that when I'm like, for instance, in that workshop, one of those workshops, we would always rent a coffee shop or something like that for the final night.

And everybody would have to go up and read a five minute piece in public and anybody could walk in there.

And but I remember always kind of wanting to be the first, you know, and she would always pick on me because she knew I could do it.

And I would always tell the people, you know, no disclaimers, no disclaimers. You don't walk up to the podium and say, well, I sweated a lot on this and it's not very good.

I'm going to read it anyway. You know, it's kind of like it's kind of like coming here.

I can't give you a lecture on the steps and I can't tell you how to do it, but I can offer the experience of my life as someone who is completely miserable and someone who is completely numb right now.

And I hope that's obvious. You know, when I I had, you know, over the years, I've developed more of a sense of spirituality and worked on it.

And I haven't ever really been able to meditate sitting on meditate motion because I started running when I was in my 20s.

But then I kind of left it slough off when I was using a lot.

But when I got sober, I ran my first 10K when I had 50 days and I saw one of the fellows from the Friday night meeting there and I walked up and introduced myself to him.

And, you know, I got really good at running.

And, you know, a few years later, when I was eight years sober, I ran my first marathon and, you know, coming down, you know, my therapist went to the finish line.

Nobody else would. And then but I remember still being a little bit shy about, you know, allowing her in and I kind of stalled before I went over and talked to her afterwards.

But and that was that was kind of a throwback as I ran that whole race without saying anything to hardly anybody.

One friend of mine left came and she brought me a bottle of Gatorade at the halfway point or something.

But after that, I skipped a year and then I started running with the road runners in Venice every year and doing the marathon every year.

So now I run 17 of them and 250Ks and I can't run them anymore, which is because I've had enough injury problems that I just can't do it.

But, you know, the I have never finished a marathon without looking back and saying, how did I do that?

Because that's one of those things where, you know, as a pace and I was a pace leader, I volunteered to be a pace leader for the marathon group.

And it's it's kind of like being a sponsor because of people who are new to marathon running, don't know what how to do it.

And so we're teaching them how to do it. And also we're leading the way we lead new people here.

First of all, leading by example, which is the strongest principle, one of the strongest principles we have.

But, you know, some of those people, as with people new in AA, can't imagine what their future is going to be like in that respect.

Those people can't imagine what it's going to feel like to run that far. They can't imagine what it's going to mean to them to be one of those people.

It's like one percent of the population who have done one.

And, you know, the fact that I have run marathons doesn't make me superior to anybody.

It makes me happy that I had the will and the commitment and the grace to to try that hard because it was always hard.

But, you know, it's like they have a sign at the rim of the Grand Canyon.

Don't try to go down to the bottom and back up. But what they should have on there is a sign that says, don't go down to the bottom and back up unless you've trained for it.

You know, and that's what we do here. You know, we're not telling you to go out, you know, turn you loose on the world with nothing.

You know, we have the regular meetings and regular times with your sponsor and regular contact with other alcoholics and regular sort of instruction and learning and feeling your way and making mistakes and all of that.

And it's just you know, it's just fantastic in my opinion.

So in 2014, I had a girlfriend at the time who noticed that I was running a little.

I had some like I felt like breathing problems, but it wasn't chest pain, but it was something.

So we went to the cardiologist after I ran a race that I had to start walking.

And this guy took one look at my EKG and said angioplaster, angiogram at least, and probably had to have angioplasty.

So I went in for that and I get out of there and he's put three stents in my heart.

And he came out and said in the recovery room, he showed up and he said, that went really well.

The only problem is we have to do it again because there was one that he couldn't do at that time because they didn't like leaving a bunch of dye in my system because I have a kidney stone problem.

So so I had to go back two months later and have the fourth one put in.

And but I ran four marathons after that. So he was he was quite the poster child for him.

And I remember thinking as a joke, I say he's happier for himself than he is for me because he was inordinately proud of that particular stint that he designed.

And, you know, and so it's like but I remember one of the things that I've gotten around here is I didn't feel at that time.

I remember one time when I was in his office the first time thinking, did my life expectancy just go down the tubes?

And turns out, no, it didn't. You know, I have to take blood thinners and I have to take any, you know, cholesterol medicine and stuff like that.

But I've been able to keep running. And now in 2013, I picked up riding my bicycle.

So I've been doing a road bike for eight years now.

And I'm you know, it's the running and the bicycling is my meditation because I get all that same sort of benefit from it.

And motion for a couple hours on the bike or, you know, as I was doing three and four hour rides, I've done a couple of those long ones, hundred milers.

But right now I'm coming back from an injury I got in in May.

A girl on electric bike shot across a crosswalk where she shouldn't have been and hit me when I was looking back and had nine broken ribs.

And I tried to ride back to my car and I had to stop halfway and get my brother to come pick me up.

So I get out of the hospital and they had me go into the scan because I told them I'm on blood thinners.

You got to scan me. That's why I went down there. I knew my ribs were probably cracked.

But, you know, they come back and say, no, you have to go up to UCLA Trauma Center.

So I get up to UCLA Trauma Center and they roll you in in the ambulance.

Now, keep in mind, the ambulance took 10 hours to get there.

So it wasn't like it was like siren or anything, but I get there and 20 people jump out, you know,

and they're all how you are and grabbing your toes. This is the whole nine yards. The nurse.

Yeah. So so then I they let me out after a couple of days.

But then I had to go back because I had an intestinal problem and I was in the hospital for a week.

And so I've been recovering from that. And I had an injury for a year where I couldn't run.

And that's one of the lessons I've learned around here is that, you know, if I can't do something, I can do something else.

And, you know, I sort of call it my alternative alternative experience philosophy,

that if you have something taken away, you can fill it with something else with them.

You don't have to become like it never occurred to me to be an invalid.

It never occurred to me to never run again. It never occurred to me.

It's like a bump in the road. You know, I used to tell my friend, you know, this isn't a bump in the road.

I never don't want to not do it.

So anyway, I know I haven't talked about steps much because I think that's a personal thing for each person to figure out.

But I will say that you can see and I can certainly feel the difference between a life that was obviously going nowhere.

And and might not have ended with me dying, might have ended with me living on the street or living like one of my neighbors.

I was a kid that I knew in school as one of the brightest lights in the whole thing.

And now he's an alcoholic that limps around.

He's had every little shitty job you can have up on Montana Avenue.

And he's a mess and he's negative in every respect.

I can barely talk to him, but I do what I do here.

You know, I see him and I say, hi, Bob. Nice to see you.

I'm not going to put him down for his choices.

But, you know, the difference between a life going in that direction and the one I have now, a life with disappointments, you know, successes.

Not as much money as I would like, but that's not that important.

I have a pension. I retired five years ago.

I've got my shit together on my money situation.

So I owe less on my credit cards than I have in the bank.

And and I are close right now because I'm saving up for a new bicycle.

I had a bicycle stolen two months ago.

And, you know, it's one of those things where my circumstances are not my life.

I heard a guy say that that time. My circumstances are not my life.

Because if you examine all my circumstances, the tiny apartment I've been in for 26 years,

the not very much money I have, the this about the other thing, you know, then you can pick it apart.

But when you talk about my actual life where I actually have like periodically just this wonderful,

absolutely fantastic feeling that's much, much better than the feeling I had when I was drinking in my 20s for getting away with murder.

It's just just a spectacular feeling of completeness and wonder at the whole thing.

And I'm glad I didn't miss it. Thank you.