Sean's Road from Teenage Blackouts to Sobriety

Hi, I'm Sean, I'm an alcoholic. Can you hear me okay? I don't know how the audio is on this, but yeah, I feel honored to be able to speak at a Saturday Night Cloth meeting.

Either you guys really like me, or it's just I'm the closest one to the closet that you can put a suit and tie on, but anyway, I'll take it.

You know, actually, I feel like I kind of got ripped off because I remember when I turned one, I was supposed to be the first 45 minute lead when we went back to the hall on Friday night, and I never got that opportunity, so this is my comeback.

I'd like to thank Scott for asking me to stand in and speak. It's always an honor and a privilege to share my sobriety.

It's funny because I was asked to talk to my sponsor the other day about, you know, I do meetings out here and I do the meetings on zoom but I really haven't been sharing as much as I used to like being, you know, with you guys and, you know, so this kind of forces me to, to, to, to speak and I'm not really nervous like I thought I would be, you know, Scott would ask me a week ago I probably would have been nerve wracking I just at this time I probably would have lost lots of sleep, going over the inner dialogue in my, my head trying to get the proper pitch down and so doing it on a whim you know comes from the heart free flow and

you know, I don't if I could talk for 35 minutes but we'll see what I can do. So, I'm from, from a small town up northern California South Lake Tahoe with a population of 26,000 people.

I grew up skateboarding snowboarding, you know, I started smoking pop when I was 12, my mom and dad split up when I was really young I have no memories of them being together.

My dad lived in LA and, you know, I lived in Tahoe and I would see him on the weekend, or not the weekends but the holidays and, you know, Christmas is in the summers and whatnot, he really wasn't in my life.

He was part of my life but he really wasn't like actively in my life, and I don't know if that has anything to do with it but I just didn't have a lot of supervision growing up so I got in trouble out of school and getting in fights and, you know, I had an older

brother and I always wanted to impress my older brother and his friends and, you know, I always wanted to fit in, you know, that's when I started my smoke pop for the first time I was 12 years old now I did it because I wanted to fit in with my older

brothers and want them to think I was cool and I really didn't start drinking till I don't know I remember the first time I drank I was probably 14 or 15 I don't know if I got drunk, but the first time ever blacked out I was 16 years old, I was at a party

with my, my buddies and I had a girlfriend at the time she had a Jeep Cherokee, we're drinking black velvet whiskey. That was the last time I ever drink it, you know, I don't remember any of it I woke up in the hospital, I went to black out, I stole her car,

and I crashed into a tree 60 miles an hour head on. I broke my nose, fractured my jaw broke my right eye socket. I guess I guess it was scary you know it's probably more scary for my mom, you know, all my teeth got knocked down on the steering wheel on my bottom teeth went through my lip here.

I really wasn't readily available you know that at that age, so I continued to smoke pot and I did a little cocaine, up until you know I was 18 years old and I started drinking more and my second blackout actually committed a felony, and my dad bailed me out of jail for that,

and a week later I went to another blackout committed the exact same felony, so I went back to jail, and end up doing getting five years in state prison with two strikes when I was 18 years old, I don't remember it though, like I woke up in jail.

The first time I woke up in jail and I had a black eye, some guy beat me up and called the cops on me. The second one I woke up in jail as well and I wasn't getting out this time.

Well not for about three and a half, four years, when I got out, I got a job in the kitchen, you know I've been a chef since I was 16, I continued drinking, I continued using cocaine.

My second DUI, five months after I got out and I went back to prison for about six months, and you know I lost my license and I didn't have my license again for about four years after that, it didn't matter because I had a girlfriend at the time, she drove me everywhere, it didn't really matter.

You know I went to work and you know I lived in a small town like I said, so I just rode my bike to work and not having a license really didn't really affect me too much and I continued to drive anyways, it didn't matter.

As soon as that alcohol would hit my bloodstream, there was no laws or morals or ethics that would come into play, the consequences I would deal with them when it happened or when they came.

I constantly was getting in trouble, like my dad told me one time, he's like you don't always get in trouble when you're drinking but you always seem to be drunk when you're in trouble or something like that, and it didn't really make sense then.

I met my ex-wife in 2008, I was still, I mean I guess I don't have to say functional alcoholic but I mean I partied a lot and I held it together, you know I always went home, I wasn't robbing people or kicking in doors, like I partied a lot and I would always go home for the most part.

I always lived like a double life, like nobody really knew, like I had the life when I was at home and then I had the life, I'd go to work and I'd get off work and I would go party, like I always lived like a double life and I never felt comfortable unless I was drinking.

Like I remember in high school we'd always go to these house parties and I never would want to go unless we were drinking first, like I felt so uncomfortable and like there was so much like self-centered fear and like judgment and you know through the years I just thought I liked to get loaded, I just thought I liked to drink just to have fun and you know and I had a lot of fun and I really don't have a lot of a lot of regrets, you know but you know after doing the steps with my sponsor I realized that a lot of it was like self-centered fear and there's like a lot of stuff I was hiding and trying to mask up and all of the uncomfortable situations you know growing up you know just being in a

I don't know where I was going with that. So okay so I met my ex-wife when in 2008 and I started having these back problems and so the doctor prescribed me a bunch of pain pills and then that was like the first time I ever took pain pills, I think I was 28 years old so then I got hooked on pain pills and then the doctor said you know well if you we can do give you back surgery or you just live with the pain for the rest of your life. Well my alcoholic mind was like oh wow I can get a spinal fusion and I can I can lock in you know prescription meds for the rest of my life.

And that's what I was thinking like yes I can get my narcotics forever prescribed all I got to do is just have a little spinal fusion. So I did that and then it progressed to a it progressed pretty quickly you know that the doctors cut me off and I had to find outside substances to substitute it and it was just a spiral path from there you know in 2010 I got drunk with my buddies and we ended up breaking this window and I end up getting in going to jail again and they were trying to give me my third strike which had been 25 to life and I fought it for two years.

I fought it and I beat the case and I ended up doing like 90 days in jail but even then it didn't stop me like I was scared obviously I didn't want to go to jail but you know especially for that long but it didn't scare me you know I was like oh I beat the case so whatever like I continued on the path I chose to do I was destructive I was selfish I was self centered.

It was all about Sean you know I had you know my son Jacob in 2011 and you know that didn't change me and I remember him being like in the backseat looking at me in the window and I would be loaded and I'd like I promise shake up I'll get better I promise I'll get better and I never did I continued on the path I continued on being selfish and self centered and it's like looking back it's like it hurts me and like this is a lot of stuff I had to work on you know when I was getting after getting sober is like a lot of the guilt and the self you know having to be able to forgive myself and not continue to punish myself over and over and over again for these things.

That I did you know cleaning up my wreckage and then in 2013 my mom she was my rock she was like my best friend you know she got diagnosed with cancer and then she died like six months later and that's where my that's where it really went dark for me like I didn't it's the first death I ever had to deal with and it was my mom in my life no family like I never really had to deal with death except for a buddy of mine got killed in Iraq and this was my mom you know and I didn't I didn't know how to how to how to handle that I didn't know how to handle the pain so I did what I knew best and I continued just to get loaded.

I remember her being in the in the ICU in Reno at Renown and you know me my brother he suffers from you know the disease too but he's more of a problem drinker he seems to have it under control for now but we see we were at the at the hospital you know she was in the she was just just got sent home to be on hospice and we're in the parking garage getting loaded like we started walking up there and like I got so loaded I couldn't even I was like I'm not going in there I can't go in there and like it was just like stuff like that like I just can't believe how many times I've been in the hospital.

I just can't believe how how it takes over and nothing else matters and you put that first and anyway so she died and for about 18 months I went on a destructive path I would go to work I would get loaded come home and anyways my ex-wife ended up leaving me at that time after 18 months and you know so I had to deal with that and you know with breaking up my family and my mom dying and so I continue to get loaded because that's all that's all I knew it's all I knew what to do if things were good I'll get loaded if things were bad I would get loaded I just like to get loaded.

I just like to get loaded so I couldn't see the kids anymore because you know she left and my brother lives in Santa Clarita at the time and he's like you need to come down here to LA just come down to LA get your head straight because he knew that he knew I was on a on a dark path and so so I did I moved down to Santa Clarita and I got my own little apartment and about six months after that my ex-wife came and dropped the kids off at my house for me to visit him and she left and she didn't come back for about three years so like overnight I was a single dad and I had to deal with, you know,

two different ages, two different genders and wants, needs, attentions and trying to explain to Jacob why I have to give Ruby more attention and he's about you know don't stick stuff in the light socket and I got to be attentive to her but trying to explain to him like it was hard it was hard to balance.

I worked two jobs at a time. I had to quit both jobs. I had no daycare. I had no friends. I had no family. It was just me and the kids in this little small condo in New Hall and I couldn't I couldn't progress I couldn't I couldn't get ahead I couldn't I couldn't even find work, you know, I would take Jacob to school and I would just go to school.

And, you know, me and Ruby would take him to school and I would go home I would watch Frozen with Ruby about three times waiting for Jacob to get out of school and it was a super depressing and you notice like I had a lot of self pity and like guilt of like oh I destroyed my family and now look like I couldn't, I couldn't even get ahead in life I couldn't put two feet forward and it got got pretty bad.

So, after my ex wife came back three years later, she wanted to start, you know, a custody battle with the courts and, you know, I spent three years with them, you know, like, building a building a home for him and I like trying to give him some kind of some kind of stability and then she came back and we went to court and it just, she threw a wrench and everything and she exposed, like, exposed us to the core, it was it was a mess anyway she won custody and they took the kids from me and I remember coming home to take the bus all the way to the courthouse for the train and Jacob wasn't with me.

Ruby wasn't with me and it was it was so sad for me because I got loved I love the kids are my life like you guys most of you guys know me see how I am with them and like when I got home like I just got done doing Ruby's little laundry and hanging up her little dresses and like she wasn't there and like Jacob stuff was there's little baseball mitt was there and like it was so upset to me because they weren't, they weren't there anymore and I did what I did best and I got loaded I packed a whole condo up, and I put it all on storage and you know I told myself I was forcing myself to hit rock bottom because I couldn't get ahead I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't get a job. So I packed everything up I went live in my car and try to force myself to hit rock bottom, and I guess it kind of happened it took about eight months for it to happen, you know, living in my car, I ended up getting arrested quite a few times in 2018, quite a few times actually, and, but there are so many times I like, like, like I said in the beginning like I have two strikes like any little thing, the court will give me a third strike and it would be like 25 to life like and I've had these since I was 18 years old and not going anywhere, just this still didn't scare me like it's like my freedom, like I'm not going anywhere.

just this still didn't scare me like it's like my freedom, depends on my sobriety and it's so valid and it's scary, like now that I'm sober I can actually like acknowledge it it's like, it's like wow how can I do, there's so many things like I have five DUIs, you know, like any one of those I could have hit somebody or crash into something and it would have been, it would have been, it would have been a wrap, I would be, I'd be away forever, but it didn't stop me because the alcohol came first and you know that getting loaded was, was number one.

So when the kids got taken, 2018 I got arrested quite as many times, and then the last time I got arrested and actually I like to say I got rescued. I went to jail for, I think they gave me nine months in jail. I did a short time and I got out and I had nowhere to go.

I went back to this guy that I worked with in Santa Cruz, he gave me back my job so I went back to work, and my ex wife called me and she's just like do you ever want to see the kids again and I was like well yeah of course, like, in my mind I'm like oh I got this under control I'll take care of it, you know I'll get him back don't worry like she's just like you need to go to go to treatment.

And my brother called me and he goes we got you, we got you a bed and treatment, and I said let's go I'll go right now, you know, I wanted my family back I wanted my kids back there but that was so hard like I vote they've always been part of my life since I was since they were born, and just that eight months of them being away was so it was so painful and I couldn't face it and I had so much guilt and self pity and so I was continued to get loaded just to forgive the pain as I get loaded and I pass out.

So when I finally was, you know, I had enough I went to treatment, and then that's where my, my journey really started. We had to go to outside meetings or in quality life would pick us up I think Scott was one of the first people to pick this up, and I remember his eyes when he started talking to me they were like mesmerizing and they were like, he like hypnotized me with his eyes when he was talking to me like in his loving matter and like wow this guy, and I don't know there was something about it like I went to quality life.

It was a Tuesday, and Bridget was a secretary. It was my first like real meeting like outside of the outside of treatment she asked me to lead the meeting and I was so scared. I was like what, like, all I had to do is read a format but I was so nervous, and that's like where the, that's how I knew that I was changing, like, doing like is because Alex used to ask me, you know, he asked me to speak to the first time at the Saturday for 10 minutes, and I think them and I meant it because it was so uncomfortable for me and like you even have a little that prayer circle outside.

Which, you know, at the time maybe you thought it was ridiculous but you know looking back and like what kind of makes sense now but I was so nervous and it was a miserable shared for me and, you know, but those uncomfortable situations is how I know that I'm making a change in like all the bad stuff that's happened in the past like I can't, I can't tell what the future holds like I can only connect the dots looking backwards like oh that's why this happened that's why this happened.

You know you can't connect the dots looking forward and it'd be a lot easier if you could. So, I knew I had to get a sponsor, because I listened to what you guys say like I didn't, I wasn't looking for a just wasn't part of my linear path, you guys just kind of, you know, my God put you guys in my life and I'm super grateful for it and, you know, my sponsor Nate picked me up one day, and we were driving to the meeting, and it was like I didn't really look at Nate and be like, Oh, this is what I want, this is, this is what I want from the sponsor you know because he drove a little.

Excuse my language a little POS Lexus where he had to hop through the front seat and the passenger side and I had to get him get out and he had to get in junk through the side, but there's just something about Nate that that attracted me to him to draw me to him like he was obviously you guys know he's super spiritual and, you know, like he, he was super patient with me and he I asked him to be my sponsor and he says yeah I'll be your temporary sponsor and that was my first resentment because I'm like why is this guy not only temporary temporary.

Anyways, he gave me a list. It was quite long to do I had to read the big book from cover to cover I had to get a sponsor, I mean a commitment at every single meeting, I didn't do 90 and 90, and I had to, more importantly I had to be willing, and I was, and like one of my defects is being a people pleaser, so I didn't want to let him down so it actually worked to my advantage because I jumped in and I did exactly what was told and you know I even got involved in the H&I after six months in the convention committee, you know, I got involved with that as well.

Because I didn't have the kids back in my life like I do now like full time so I had a lot more time on my hands so I just dove into AA and I soaked it up and, you know, I just listened. I listened to a lot, you know, like I'm quiet, and I tell myself I'm listening but a lot of it is that I have a lot of self center fear that I'm a hard time sharing sometimes so this is good for me, you know, going to quality life and I didn't understand, like the commitments of like why you have to get back to be of service but it's way more than that.

You know, like, I would, my first commitment I believe was was the sign commitment and I had to come an hour and a half early to do a two minute commitment and just didn't make sense to me and on top of that I didn't have my license at the time so I had to take the bus, I had to leave two hours early to get to the meeting an hour and a half early, just to do a two minute commitment, but, you know, it makes sense.

Why like to be on time to be responsible and into fellowship and to make connections and to get out of myself and into, you know, just to, to be part of really, it's, it's been amazing journey.

Since, since I got sober, like today, life is life is amazing, like it really is like I couldn't, I couldn't like I couldn't, I could never connect this dot like where I'm at today in my life, like look from back then like looking for like oh that's where I would be, I never would have thought this was even possible, you know, I went back to school.

You know I'm still working on a couple more credentials but, you know, I'm getting straight A's, you know, I got a great job, you know, I, after sober living I got an apartment, like a little guest house, pretty quick, then I moved up to taking over my ex wife's house, and then, you know, like I'm just trying to build, I had to start over like I got rid of everything I had in the past and I had to start over, you know, I worked at Tarzina for a while, that was pretty rewarding for me, you know, to be able to give back like I know I wouldn't stay there forever, but like it was a perfect job.

Like it was a perfect job to get sober and to into like just to learn the ways of recovery and like just like working in treatment, it was amazing like I love working in outpatient I love working, you know, being a part of being helped and helping people, you know, I met a young lady there at work and, you know, I never, I wasn't there looking for, for love and, you know, kind of just God, God put her in my life and, you know, things have things, you know, progressed between us and we, it was, you know, my kids were living in Vegas and I was living in.

In LA and, you know, we have 50/50 custody of the kids so the kids were going back and forth, you know, every two weeks, they'd be coming here, going to Vegas back and forth and it just got too hard.

I mean it wasn't that hard on me, like driving wise but like being away from them and like it was okay with COVID because they were, they were in their online learning so it was easy because they could go back and forth not have to miss school and everything so it was actually convenient, but it was it was too hard for for them they don't understand that going back and forth and like they could there was no like structure.

And like it was just, it was never like on a schedule or so, me and Jessica, we decided that we would move to Vegas. And then we got this little luxury apartment here on the 17th hole of the golf course, we have a cute little dog, life is pretty, life's pretty amazing.

I never would have imagined it like it all happened pretty fast you know like not me and her but like just my sobriety like how much I've grown in my sobriety. I got a pretty decent job you know I do IT for this big construction company, and I work, I work from home, you know, so it's super easy the kids are right in the middle of me and my ex wife our house is pretty close.

I know I need to, you know, like everything, like I talked to, you know, a sponsor about this, a couple weeks ago, because like I was actually driving to, I think it was Greg and Bruce's picnic, it might have been the last one week before that, but like I was driving I was like so overwhelmed with like this joy and happiness in my life.

Like so I called Nate just to kind of, to kind of talk to him about it and he's like well that's great Sean but you got to start giving back more, and he's right, and I do. And so I mean I go to one meeting here in person I do the other three online, but I'm not really a service I don't have any sponsors.

And I think I got one commitment on Wednesday. Thanks, John. Well I know what else, what else to say, and pretty much I'm overwhelmed with with gratitude today, like none of this would have been possible without AA in my life, like working the steps and, you know, step one was pretty easy because my life was super unmanageable and it was it was obvious you know like look look where I was at that time I was in treatment like I lost the kids like I had nothing in my life like I had no money I had no nothing going for me.

Yeah, that was because of alcohol. So yeah, my life is powerless, and I wasn't manageable, you know, and then like working towards the next steps with, you know, the God thing like I grew up Catholic so I kind of had that forced religion or that religion like forced upon me and I don't know if I really believed in God even though like I practiced it, you know, I guess, when I was growing up, so I always believed that there was something, or I knew that there was something greater than me.

I just don't know if it was that God or just like a God of how I understand them, so I don't know if I can pinpoint exactly what it is today I just know that there's some kind of energy I know that there's something greater than me that makes all this happen because everything happens for reasons, you know, so step four, you know, working with my sponsor like, you know, it was pretty.

I got I did a thorough job in there it was pretty intensive, and, you know, I, I still even before I read it to him, I was telling myself like there's a couple of things on there like oh I'm gonna keep that to myself I'm gonna keep that to myself, but I but I didn't because, because I heard what you guys share about you know, half measures available is nothing and it didn't make sense, you know, the first time I heard it but when I was reading it to him and going over it was, it was like, well, why not just just do it like why are you going to, you know, just continue to do what you've always done.

Seven and eight was pretty powerful for me, you know, I have a lot of defects, and, you know, at a lot, I have a lot that you know that I'm aware of, and there was some that I wasn't really aware of that was pointed out to me that made sense, you know, so I've been working on those things as well, you know, I have a lot of, I have a lot of baggage, and a lot of chaos and destruction that I caused over the years, so that was a pretty big intensive list.

I've worked on some of those I still have a lot of financial men's to do and I still have a couple, you know, a men's to do for those, I tried to, I don't know, a few, a few weeks back there was somebody who shared me, they said something about always act better than you feel and so I use that one a lot today, like in my everyday, my everyday life, because I don't, I'm not, I'm not really a morning person I'm grumpy at times.

I'm not really the not always the sunshine enjoy that you guys see, I'm not, and I admit it, you know, so I have to tell myself, you know, just act better than you feel because it's only temporary, there's really no there's no it's it's my own head it's me, you know, like I don't have, I don't have control of my first thought they could, you know, when something when something said like I don't have control of my first thought but I have control of my second thought which is the action, so I try to remember that when it happens, you know, like sometimes something will be said or something will happen and I'll automatically react to it and just make it happen.

It makes it 10 or 20 or 50 times worse and then you have to go back and pick up the tab and make it right but if I just learned to pause, like you guys taught me, and think about what you didn't you know the next step is or, you know, the solution to that is especially like AA, there's always a solution to every problem, like if my sponsor doesn't know it, he's constantly telling me to reach out to other people, there's always somebody who knows the solution to something, someone or somebody knows it.

Always, and I always, I don't know, I used to, I think I was better, obviously, when I was living there, you know, I was, I saw Nate a lot more. But, you know, I still talk to him every day, but I still have to remind myself that I need to ask for suggestions instead of calling them giving them a history lesson of whatever, whatever, what already happened, you know, the next thing you know I'm sharing on a Wednesday, and about uncomfortability, I don't know, the men in this group have showed me a tremendous amount of love and, and acceptance.

Maybe not all of them by the way, I know, Alex probably took a little while to accept me but I think we're past that now, Alex is my buddy, but you guys did it, you guys, you guys didn't, you didn't really judge me or push me aside you know I sat in the corner I was quiet, you know, like, maybe you guys did judge me or profile me or, or whatever but I continued to come back I continued to walk through the door, because I had commitments to take care of and I didn't want to let, let any of you down and I wanted to please my sponsor so I always continue to come back, and I'm super grateful for I am because, I don't know, doors just keep opening and like things happen.

Like the way they're supposed to when you don't try to control everything and you just sit back and you just, you know, you put the work in and you just let the result happen the way it's supposed to.

It's pretty amazing.

That was sobriety date of April 24 2019 so coming up on three years here now that would have been possible without you guys. I like to think that I'd be able to stay sober without the help but I wouldn't be nearly as peaceful as I am today without like actually working on myself or, I don't know, I'm just a came in my life and it changed my life, and I'm super grateful for it.

I'm going to show it short with that, but with that I'd like to thank my sponsor, my grand sponsor Scott quality life and a as a whole. Yeah, he was showing major.

Thanks David.

Tom today meeting this morning.

Thanks for judging me so much Alex.

Gotta make love to myself and everything, and myself.

Well no because Scott got vaccinated didn't even he get sick, I didn't get sick either.

Afterwards, he got the vaccine afterwards.