40 Years Sober: Sponsors, Temptation, and Healing Past Wounds

Hi, I'm Charlie. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, I'd like to thank Scott for inviting me to participate

at your meeting. It's always an honor to be asked and, as we like to say, a terrible

inconvenience to have to speak at AA meetings. But, you know, we do it and we find that our

spiritual health is directly related to our degree of willingness to be inconvenienced.

So that's where we are. And I want to thank Elizabeth for a wonderful talk. I related

it to you all the way. And it was excellent. I really appreciate it. And that's why I like

to come to AA meetings because I like to hear people that I don't know. And yet, by the

time they're done talking, I feel like I know at least a part of them. I've been having

kind of a, I got, let me just start again. I got sober on the 11th of June of 1981. That's

my only sobriety date. I've had two sponsors in that space of time. And my current sponsor's

name is Bob R. And he lives up here. I live in Camarillo and he lives in Oxnard. And Bob

just turned 55 years sober. And I take direction from him without any question. If I have to

ask him for direction for something, even at 40 years sober, whatever Bob says, I have

to do it. I don't do it immediately because I like to just grind on it a little bit, but

I do it. And because if I don't do it, what's the point of asking a sponsor for anything

if you're not going to do what they say? So anyway, so I was at a meeting last night and

it's, we, it says in our literature, we hear it all the time in AA. And if you're new,

this is important too, that, that we're only, none of us is, is guaranteed sobriety after

we've been around a while. My first sponsor drank at 33 years of sobriety. And so we're

not, none of us has, has a guarantee of being sober, but we do have a lot of ways to learn

how to live sober. And Elizabeth was talking about that. It's, it's less about learning

how to quit drinking. And it's more about learning how to live without alcohol and be

productive enough at a service to other people enough that alcohol becomes something we don't

even think about. It's, it's not even a part of our lives anymore, which is a remarkable

thing. I might even call it a miracle if I was into really, but it's just a remarkable

thing for now. And and so last night I was at a meeting where I'm telling you, my sponsor

was sitting two seats over from me. A couple of other guys that he sponsors were sitting

with us and there were things going, it was one of those meetings I'd never been to this

meeting before, and they just weren't doing it my way. And I don't know, I can usually

kind of let that slide, but for some reason last night, they really, they were an embarrassment

to Alcoholics Anonymous, from my point of view. These people were just shamefully inept.

I was, I was embarrassed for AA and as being a member of AA. And I left there and I was

just in turmoil over my judgment of the people in there and the meeting. But that, but that's

never enough. Turmoil is never enough. I've got to really amp it up a little bit. I like

to take the turmoil and put a couple of jumper cables against it to really get it going.

So I called my sponsor and I told him about it and he was trying, he was very calming

because he always is. He's very, a calm guy. And he said, you know, if they knew better,

they'd do better. His sponsor was Chuck C for a while. So I have to listen to him. And

it's still just, you know, I realized today while I was just at home doing ordinary stuff

that we do at home, it occurred to me that I could easily have taken a drink last night,

not even with a second thought. And it tells us in our literature that there is a time

where we have no defense against the first drink, none, that it shows up and we just

take it unless, unless our, we have spit spit, fit spiritual lives. And I don't know what

I was thinking about that today. I must be, I must be terrible if I was 40 years sober

and thinking about drinking today. And I've got a lot to live for. I've got a lot to,

a lot of great things happening in my life and people in my life. And I've built a life

that I've, I've come to cherish. And yet in my mind, I would throw all that away to drink

at the people that I objected to. And that's the old me coming up. That's me from 41 years

ago, just bitter and angry because no one will live up to my expectations of how they

should behave. None of them. And it's, and it they're closing in on. And that's how I,

that's why I drink now. Now I should start from the beginning because I kind of got ahead

of myself, but I had to sort of tell them myself first because I had to get that out

before I forgot about it. But I never wanted to be an alcoholic. I'm an only child. My

mother had four boys and three of them died at birth and I was the only one who survived,

which would make most people I think feel blessed or happy, but I always felt like,

why me? Why couldn't it, why couldn't one of the other guys have lived because I don't

want to be here. I don't like this place. I'm not crazy about people. I don't want to

be around them even though I demand their approval constantly, which is a problem for

folks. I had enormous potential to do things. I wasn't stupid. My, my father got out. He

had to quit school in the fifth grade or sixth grade. My mom quit school in the seventh grade.

And so they were not terribly happy when I didn't show a lot of enthusiasm for being

a student because they, they tried to make my life good. You know, my father worked hard

every day of his life and my mom did too. And it wasn't enough. It just wasn't enough.

It was pathetic. I look at the other kids and look at what they've got, you know, look

at what their parents do. My dad leaves for work in the morning and in squishy sold shoes

with a gray zip-up jacket and, and gray pants and a lunch pail. And my neighbors, my other

kids at school, their parents left the house in suits and ties with briefcases. And I felt

like my father couldn't cut it, you know? And, and then to be told I have potential

to do better and not do it was another thing. So I always felt like I was just, my father

was disappointed in me. I was a sickly kid. I had asthma from the time I was two years

old and I always use, I use that to make people feel sorry for me and to manipulate my way

out of having to do things I didn't want to do. Nothing will get you out of chores more,

more quickly than just wheezing. I had wheezing down to a fine art and I did that. And then

I graduated from high school eventually and with no, with nothing, no notoriety except

my, my potential. And I wound up going to a party right after I turned 18. Now I haven't

had a drink up to this point and I didn't intend to because I thought alcoholics were

losers and people with a lot, with bad willpower. I found out that's partly true, but that's

getting ahead of it. But I went to a party and I didn't want to be there, but my friends

said, let's go. And we went, excuse me. And it was exactly what I thought it would be.

It was full of people. Again, I don't want to be there. They were all hippies. I hated

hippies. I was 18 at the time, but I hated hippies and I didn't like my parents' generation

either. So it puts you in a really delicate position. When you don't like your parents'

generation, you can't stand your own generation. I realized that there were only two kinds

of people in the world. That's me and everybody else. And that's how I felt. And I go to this

party and I'm looking around at these miserable philosophy, 101 spewing, long haired, phony

ferret face, little bastards. And I wanted to leave, but I'd only been there five minutes.

So it's hard to leave after five minutes, especially when your friend doesn't want to

leave. And I stood there just grinding on the fact that I had to stay and someone walked

by and handed me a can of malt liquor. And I cracked that open and I started to drink

it. And halfway through that can of malt liquor, it occurred to me that I'd been way too hard

on you people. Now I, I began to feel like I began to feel better about things. I began

to feel like, I don't know, like a, like a, a mixture of Errol Flynn and David Niven and

John Lennon, all in one irresistible cocktail. You know, I was attractive to the women at

the party. It's like, you know, really attractive, like get them going. Ladies, my eyes are up

here. And that's, that's how I felt inside after, after half a can of malt liquor. And

I felt alive for the first time that I could recall in my life. And I had no idea what

the problem was, what happened. All I knew was I want to do this again. I want to do

it again. And I wound up later going into a blackout. My friend wanted to leave. Apparently

he decided he was just going to start driving away if I wouldn't go. I wound up running

alongside of his car, holding onto the door handle and trotting alongside of his car and

throwing up all over myself and just laughing my ass off because I was free. I had finally

broken the bonds of whatever it was that was holding me in that tight little box that I

felt all the time and never understood how to get out of there. And when I drank, it

just unlocked that box. And I felt like a human being for the first time. And you would

think, and that's, that's AA's great tripwire phrase, by the way, is you would think, you

would think that knowledge, having that knowledge that, that when I take a drink of alcohol

that that makes me feel alive, useful, attractive, my potential is being fulfilled while I'm

drinking, I feel good about you. And I'm fascinated in you for the first time ever. And you would

think that would be a good thing. The trouble is it's, it's an illusion. The effect alcohol

had on me was not real. And I didn't, I couldn't get that through my head even into sobriety,

but the effect alcohol had on me was just an illusion. And it's an illusion that only

10% of the population has. Alcoholism is, as Clancy used to call it, a disease of perception.

What I see about the reality of the world is usually, and I have to tell myself this

all the time. I have been doing this for years. And that is when I start to have a reaction,

with the exception of last night, when I start to have a reaction against something or about

something, I have to tell myself I'm probably wrong. And it always turns out that yes, indeed,

I am wrong. Not a bad, not in a terrible way or a defeatist way, but I'm just mistaken.

And I get corrected and I go, okay, I'll remind myself next time not to judge like that or

not to do this thing because I'm probably wrong. And that's, that's what I live with.

But I'll tell you something. Alcohol always made my, it always calibrated my view of the

world. When I drank, it made my view of the world come into place instead of, instead

of the way sobriety made it feel, which was all wonky. When I drank, I was right down

the center lane, you know, and I felt good and, and focused and alive, just full of joy

at first. And over a period of about 12 years of drinking, my life just started to go, you

know how it goes. Some of us get to go, but mine just, just goes, you know, creak, creak

crash, creak, creak, crash until pretty soon by the 11th of June of 1981, I was peeing

blood. I was tired. I was finished. I didn't want anything but to be out of this world,

you know? And I've got a pretty boring drunk a log. I've never come out of a blackout

going cover, cover me. I'm going in, you know, you hear those stories in AA all the time.

Somebody, I came out of a blackout yelling call for backup. I never had that happen.

I've never had anything heroic happen when I'm drinking. I've never had anybody say,

or I've never said anything coming out of a blackout that was heroic. I've had people

say things to me like, boy, I bet that hurt, but because I'm a, I'm a self-injuring alcoholic

by, by just accident usually, but my life was a mess. I couldn't, I had started college

at 18. I finally graduated at 31. I had a few detours along the way. I had gotten married

in that period and had been a complete disappointment as a husband to this woman who was a lovely

human being except she didn't know what she was in for. Really. I remember when I and

this is how sneaky alcoholism is. I think her brother, she told me her brother had drinking

problems. You know, Bob is Bob's a bad drinker. And when he drinks, he goes, he has to be

put in a hospital after he drinks and his marriage is breaking up. And, and he he does

things and says things that are just horrible. And he's been in rehab. He's, they didn't

have any rehabs back in the, in the seventies and eighties before Betty Ford, really. They

had a few like Shick and some of those places, Raleigh Hills, where they, they would try

to get you straightened out. But Bob kept going to, you know, as the book says, we go

to sanitariums and health farms and those places, and he still was not going to drink.

And so he was going to, I had met him for one time before he was coming to our house

for the evening for dinner. And she she said, just be cool. Don't remember Bob's got a problem.

No problem. He came over to our house. First thing I did was pull out a quart of bourbon

and we started drinking and we had the best time. And I realized my wife was way overthinking

this, you know, she, she had really overstepped her bounds and trying to, I mean, Bob and

I were having, we were out listening to music and laughing. It was like, we knew each other

forever. We were having a great time going through this bourbon. And I glanced over at

one point and there, there she was standing at the door, giving me what I like to think

of it. This is the international sign that you're not going to get a compliment if a

woman does this to you. And it's like, it's like calling your dog by slapping the newspaper

on your leg. And so I had to excuse myself from my company and go over and she stepped

aside so I could go into the bedroom and she shut the bedroom door and she had tears in

her eyes and she was shaking. And she said, Bob, stop giving Bob alcohol. Bob is an alcoholic.

And he was, I looked at her and I said, Bob is no more of an alcoholic than I am. The

problem we have here is that you're a nag and you need to back off sister. I turned

around and walked out the bedroom door, triumphant, you know, went back in. She was stayed, she

stayed inside. She was sobbing in the bedroom. So we turned the stereo up, you know, we didn't

want to be bothered. She wrote, didn't want to harsh my buzz. And and two weeks later

Bob died. He drowned. He went out, he'd been drinking and taking pills and he went out

on Lake Castaic and he never came out of the water. And he was a strong swimmer and he

was 25 years old, the same age I was. And he was a handsome young guy who had a wife

and a five-year-old daughter that he left behind. And no one talked about alcoholism

at his, at his funeral. No one talked about drinking. No one talked about any of that.

And that family just, just quivered with grief and bewilderment because that's what we do.

We just bewilder people with the way we behave and the things we do. And the sad thing is,

and that's what Elizabeth was talking about, I can't stop myself. I can't just not uncork

the bottle, you know, or unscrew it as most of us do. Once I have it, once it's set in

motion, I am destined to do that. It's not like I got a bad habit that went out of control.

It is that I, once I, some sequence of things happens to me and my reactions go off, I must

drink. I must drink. And on the 11th of June of 1981, I was in a meditation retreat and

I don't know why I wanted to go to that. My therapist was throwing it and I thought maybe

I'd have some, I have some revelation, you know, and I did, I did. I went there. I didn't

take a drink that day because she had told me she didn't want me to ever show up at one

of her appointments drunk. So I just drank afterward. And I went to this meditation retreat

in Montecito, which is only like a half hour from here. And she, on Saturday morning, she

led us to a guided meditation at just about the time I started just sober up from two

nights earlier. And I started to detox at this meditation retreat, which is, you know,

that's not what meditation retreats are for. And it's really, if you, if you decide to

go to a meditation retreat to detox, keep your receipt because it's not going to be,

it's not going to turn out well. And she led us to this guided meditation of walking through,

we're walking through a field and we can feel the grass between and feel the grass between

your toes. And you see a waterfall and you go to the waterfall and you step right up

to the waterfall and you can feel the mist blowing in your face from this waterfall.

And then the waterfall turns blue and you step into it. And the water, the blue water

washes over you and it washes away all of your sorrow. And then the water turns green

and it washes away all your jealousy and it turns red and it washes away all your anger.

And we went through the entire Sherwin Williams catalog. The water turns antique white and

washes some damn thing away. And by the time she was done, she said, now I want you to

step back and I want you to, and now all the other people were apparently really into this

because they were sighing. We were all laying on the floor with our heads together like

spokes on a wheel sticking out and everybody else was just into it. And all I could do

was think, I'm not meditating. I'm not in a field. My back, I'm tired. I don't want to

lay on the floor. I can feel the shag carpet going through the back of my shirt. And I

was just detoxing and feeling worse and worse. And finally, she brought us out of it, turned

off the pan flute music. And she said, now I want you to go out on the grounds of the

meditation retreat, this beautiful place, Casa Maria up in near Santa Barbara. And she

said, I want you to walk around the grounds out there for the next five hours. But before

that she had told us, I want you to look through the waterfall and you will see on the other

side of that waterfall where you're going to be five years from now. And I looked into

that waterfall and saw myself hanging from the back of the bathroom door at my mother's

house with a belt from my robe. I had it around my neck. I was hanging dead and that's what

I saw. And I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And then when she brought us out of the meditation,

she said, go out on the grounds in the next five hours and think about your life and think

about how you can get to where you're supposed to be in five years. Well, you know, when

you've seen yourself hanging and that's your best shot at what the future looks like, I

went out on the grounds and I sat out there and I thought, this is it. I just feel despair.

I want to kill myself. And I wanted to die. And I want I took my belt off and I couldn't

figure out how to use it to hang myself. And that's the only reason I'm here right now

is I tanked out of Cub Scouts when I was about nine and I didn't pass the rope, the rope

section at the time. And there I was at this retreat and I couldn't figure out how to use

my belt to hang myself. And I sat down and started to cry and a voice inside of me that

wasn't really a voice, but it seemed like a voice said, you are everything that you're

afraid of. And I still love you. And I felt loved through my entire spirit to my entire

body. I felt loved for about 30 seconds. And then it faded away. And what I think happened,

you know, based on my experience as a sober alcoholic, I, I started teaching English when

I was when I was sober for about five years, I got a job teaching English, a career teaching

English. And I used to teach essay writing. And there's the process essay where you teach

how to do something. And I had an example of a process essay that I was using with my

students that described how to open an oyster. And it was written by a guy who knew how to

open oysters, obviously. And he said that you, you can't force them open because they

will not open their muscles, they just suck themselves shut. And you couldn't pull them

apart with two Dodge Rams, try to pull them apart. But if you're a an experienced fisherman,

you just run your tip of your knife along the seam where they're closed, you run your

tip of the knife around there, and they have to breathe, they they'll open up just a little

bit to let some air in. And that's called the purchase point. And when you hit when

you feel the purchase point with the knife tip, you slide it right through and they're

powerless to stay shut, and then you can eat them. And what I believe happened was that

I, my higher power found my purchase point and split me wide open that day, and I couldn't

pull myself shut fast enough. And it only lasted for a little while. So I managed to

pull it together. But it altered me. And a week later, I was I was asked if I would pick

up Debbie, who was my my brother in law's widow and take her to an AA meeting because

she had had to go to to a place called what was it called care unit that was in this place

in Orange, California. And they told her get to an AA meeting when you get out. So she

got out that day and she needed a ride. And she asked me if I would give her a ride. And

I said, What a coincidence. I quit drinking this week because I went home from that meditation

retreat. And I haven't had a drink since I've had a drink since that moment when I felt

love. I don't know why. It's not like I didn't want to drink. It's not like like even last

night that I didn't want to drink. But something has changed in me. And something has changed

in me because of what happened, picking Debbie up at that detox, because in the 20 minutes

it took to drive from the place, the care unit to the meeting in Tustin, California,

it was a Sunday night Tustin City Hall meeting. And in that 20 minutes, Debbie 12 step me

and she had 22 days of sobriety. And if you think you don't have enough time to work with

somebody new, that woman saved my life with her 22 days because she shared the message

with me that she had found in this care unit. And she's, we pulled up in front and I'm having

the imaginary gnats that are whipping around my peripheral vision. I don't know if anybody

else got those, but they would just hang there, you know, because it was hot. It was summertime.

It was hot and they would just dangle there. And then you go to look at them and they're

they're gone, you know, and I go back to talking to whoever I'm talking to, back they come.

And so I'm sitting in the car with the gnats appearing. And Debbie said, I said, What time

do you want me to come pick you up? And she said, Why don't you come in the meeting with

me? And I said, you know, because I'm not alcoholic, I'm not going to come in the meeting.

And she said, she said, Well, you don't have to be alcoholic to come to this meeting. It's

an open meeting. And it's a speaker meeting. And, and visitors are welcome. So if you want

to come, he said you quit drinking this week, maybe you'll hear something inside that'll

help you. How do they come up with this stuff? I have no idea. She was she was way too new

to actually have that answer. But she gave me that answer. And I went to the meeting,

went into the meeting, didn't like it didn't like any other people. It was just this idiot.

They got me they had to get me a big book. Come on, Charlie, you have got a big book.

I thought, Listen, I work on the receiving doc of a bookstore. We got lots of big books.

How big a book are we talking about? And they dragged me up to the literature lady who looked

like something out of a horror movie. She had she had white hair that flipped like this.

It was platinum blonde, actually. She wore a white Stetson cowboy hat. She was about

six foot three. She had white chiffon flowing top and white flowing chiffon pants that made

her look like she just run through a set of drapes before she came into the meeting and

she prayed at me. And I thought, Oh God, I am I do not belong here. I don't fit with

these people. I don't like them. I had I was used to wear a Sherlock Holmes hat. I'd shoulder

length here. I wore sunglasses at night. I was very cool. And I I didn't want anything

you had. She said that it costs three. She said, you know, it's $5 if you want one. And

I said, Well, you know what, I've only got $3. So she said, Well, that's no problem.

I mean, tonight, it's special. It's the second. It's the second Sunday of the month. Let me

just take it's $2 tonight. $2. And that third dollar just dropping in the basket when it

goes by because nobody stays sober around here on somebody else's dime. I said, Okay,

so the basket went around. I don't know where she was in the meeting, but I had that dollar

bill up and I let that baby drop and flutter down into the basket hoping that she would

see it. And I've been doing that ever since. You know, it just it's just something we do.

And I stayed for the speaker. I liked him apparently. And I went home. I dropped Debbie

off and went home and I didn't drink for the next week. And I didn't understand I didn't

have an AA program. I didn't even know what AA was. But I had a big book, big book. And

I started looking at it and thought this is the dumbest. What What is this? Gee Ma ain't

it grand the wind stop blowing? I've got a degree in English and journalism. I don't

need someone to help. You know, like they were saying get yourself a sponsor, Charlie.

I thought for what? And I said, Well, he'll walk you through the big book. I thought,

Oh, oh, I should get a guide to walk me through the jaywalker analogy here. And I need someone

to help me unpack that or king alcohol in the denizens of his mad realm. You know, that's

spooky stuff. I don't need a sponsor. I can read. I've studied the finest literature and

the human and all human leader, literary endeavors. And I don't need someone to help me do this.

Well, you know, I didn't read it. I just glanced at it. And the reason I finally got a sponsor

because about two weeks later, I was going to a different group and they just wouldn't

shut up about getting a sponsor. And I want to tell you something for you new people.

You don't have to be sincere to stay sober. Really, though. In fact, we enjoy it when

you're insincere because you're more fun to watch. But I got a sponsor just to shut people

up from asking me if I needed one. Thank you. And so I got a sponsor. He sat me down and

told me what he wanted me to do. Get to meetings early, shake people's hands, ask them their

name. And all I'm thinking is I don't like to shake people's hands. I don't care about

their name. I don't care how they are, you know, but I didn't say that out loud because

he was big and he was not happy. He could get surly on a dime. He could just turn. So

I kept nodding. Okay, okay. And I started doing what he asked me to do. And about eight

months sober, I was standing at my meeting doing what what we Irish were trained to do.

And that's mop. And I was mopping at the Ohio Street clubhouse. And I looked at the line

of people lined up to thank the speaker. And I realized in here that I liked all of them.

I knew everybody's name. And I liked them. How does that happen for someone who doesn't

like people? How does that even happen for people? You know, they were strangers to me

eight months before. And now I really like them. And I knew all their names. I called

my sponsor at home that night and told him what happened. He said, You had a moment of

grace sport. That's, that's God. That's the fact that you did enough in your first eight

months, like giving people rides and getting the meetings and talking to people and going

out for coffee and getting commitments at all your meetings to be of service to the

group. And again, giving rides to people and doing all the stuff, going to the big book

study, letting other people talk about the big book, you keep your mouth shut about the

big book, because nobody cares what your opinion is anyway. And I would do I did everything

you told me to do. And by the end, you know, by the end of that up to that moment, I've

been keeping my higher power locked away inside. And what happened was I got out of my own

way long enough to let him out. Now, whatever your higher power you pursue what you perceive

your higher power to be is your business and yours alone. And you can't don't let anybody

tell you what your higher power ought to be. But I know that mine resides inside of me,

and I'm able to see it in you, not in myself. I only see it in other people. Last night

when when I was grinding on this meeting, and the way people were acting in this meeting,

I couldn't see their higher power. I wasn't looking for I was looking for reasons of reasons

to justify my own feelings. And that's deadly for alcoholics. And I had to go back to just

learning how to surrender to that power in me and asking it to show itself and which

I'm still doing. I don't it hasn't shown itself necessarily, but it will. But that's what

what I have to tell you is that between the book and the meetings and the fellowship,

your life will start to change just as mine did. Like I said, I became a teacher. And

then after I've been teaching for seven years, I thought that was finally it. And I got offered

a job as a career as a writer, and I wound up writing for the next 30 years. So you never

know where it's going to go. And that's not a promise to you that you're going to find

some great fancy fantasy job. But I'll tell you something, Alcoholics Anonymous works,

it will help you to find out what you are and what you should be doing by the grace

of that power that resides in all of us. And it also binds us together as alcoholics trying

to find a solution to their living problems so that you and I don't have to drink anymore

because I've known David for 35 years. And and I know I could call even if I hadn't talked

to him for 20 years, I know I could call him and say, David, this is Charlie, I'm having

trouble staying sober. Would you talk to me and he will even if he hates me, anybody who

even people that don't like you will talk to you because that's what they know they

have to do. Because another suffering alcoholic has asked for help. And that's what we do.

And it works. And it allows you to live comfortably in a world that you may not understand under

the guidance of a higher power that I don't understand it, I see it, I experience it around

with other people. I don't feel it in myself. I know it's there. And I have to you take

action. So that are reflections of what that higher power is to help maybe somebody else

see it in me. And I do it all anonymously. I don't post this crap on Facebook. I don't

care if I get any likes for being sober. I don't need a pat on the head because a works

on its own. And it works. It works when you get your dream job. And it works when you

lose your dream job. And it works when you fall in love. And it works when the love goes

away. And it works when you're in good health. And it works when your health is failing.

And it works when you cut your children's umbilical cords. And it works when you're

trying to resuscitate them when they've had an overdose. A works and it will keep you

sober. And the people around you will guide you through this life and show you how to

find great joy and be of great service to that power. And I really appreciate you having

me tonight and thank you Scott again. Thank you. Have a good weekend everybody.