Morgan's Journey: From Childhood Trauma to Early Motherhood and Recovery

- Can you guys hear me okay?

My name is Morgan and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Morgan.

- Thank you Scott for asking me to come tonight

and yeah, participate in my own recovery.

No, I honestly, public speaking and sharing

and every time I do this, like I'm terrified.

Like I've never done a hybrid meeting

and like my stomach's upside down.

Last thing I really wanna do.

But you know, I learned a long time ago

that when I asked you to be of service

that I need to show up.

And I also learned that I can only keep what I have

by giving it away.

And so no matter what, I always say yes

even when my brain is saying,

"No, no, no, you don't wanna speak."

So thank you.

I wanna welcome all the newcomers.

Yeah, I remember being a newcomer

and you know, if you're sitting there

and you don't know what this is about,

like just keep coming back.

You know, if you're sitting there

and you don't even know if you want this,

like that's okay, keep coming back.

Yeah, that's what I heard when I first got here.

So also I know this is an AA meeting.

I got sober in AA.

Drugs are a big part of my story.

So I'm gonna stay true to who I am and my journey.

So I hope that doesn't offend anyone.

What it was like, what happened and what it's like now.

So, you know, I was born in Santa Barbara.

I grew up in a small town in Carpentaria

up the, you know, a little bit up the coast

and you know, really small town, beach town.

Everybody knew everybody's, you know, business,

very friendly community, open community.

And yeah, and my parents were dysfunctional.

My mom was an alcoholic.

She's been an alcoholic my whole life.

My dad was a workaholic and he also smoked a lot of weed

and that was kind of like his way of coping.

Obviously growing up in like an alcoholic home,

things were really dysfunctional.

I always knew that I was loved.

So I never really questioned that.

It's just things were always, you know, yelling and fighting

and we didn't have a lot of money.

So we had that layer of like financial strain

on top of all the drama.

And yeah, it was just, it was a little bit chaotic

and fast forward a little bit.

You know, when I was in first grade till third grade,

like I was being sexually abused by my best friend's dad

who happened to live across the street from us.

And in a small town, when everybody knows

like your dirty laundry and I was just a little girl,

it was just like really uncomfortable.

And I tell you that not because I think

that that's what's made me an alcoholic or an addict.

I say, I tell you guys this to kind of,

my perspective is that from a very young age,

like I was that restless, irritable, discontent little girl.

Like I didn't want to be in my own skin.

Like I was full of shame.

I was, didn't feel right.

And so, you know, later on in life, you know,

alcohol and drugs, you know, they worked for me.

So, you know, we went through the whole court process.

You know, I remember hearing a lot of like bad stuff

being talked about my family

and a lot of blaming the victim,

but it was just like overnight once the court stuff is over,

we moved to Ventura County

and it was kind of like a fresh start.

Great in one aspect because I didn't have to worry

about anyone knowing like this really shameful event.

And then really painful because like I left

all my childhood friends and I didn't even get to say goodbye

it almost felt like it just happened overnight.

So, you know, I get to Ventura and I start fifth grade

and you know, get to junior high and I'm making new friends.

And these friends are just, you know, making poor decisions.

And my parents were kind of old school.

They were really hands off.

The opposite of the parent that I am today,

but I could tell them like,

oh, I'm going over to so-and-so's house

and my mom's over there drinking.

So it's like, they never checked up on me and never,

they never went to go like meet the parents.

So I could be staying wherever and it wouldn't matter.

And so, you know, I started experimenting with things

as you know, young knuckleheads do

and started, you know, drinking and, you know, smoking weed.

And I realized very early on, like,

I loved anything that changed my myself from the neck up.

So anything that changed me from the neck up,

like I was good with, I was, I'll take it.

And you know, this thing is progressive and like,

like most stories, you know, everything progresses, right?

So I started out with some of the easier stuff

and getting drunk and staying over at my friend's house.

And, you know, back then we had like that dial up AOL internet

so like we'd be like on chat and like, you know,

doing crazy stuff and drinking and it was fun.

And at this time, like I was like in junior high,

so I was still, you know, I was still like going to school

and getting good grades.

I've always been like academically, like I do very well.

So like, I never showed my parents at that point in time,

like I was having any issues

or that I was doing anything wrong

because I was still getting like straight A's.

I never got in trouble with like the law till later.

So I kind of got to like drink and, you know,

do what I was doing, like with no one on my back.

And plus my dad was always working and my mom was,

you know, in her own, you know, alcoholism.

So it worked out for me.

And so fast forward a little bit and, you know,

I'm going into high school.

I'm still hanging out with people

that are kind of just doing the wrong things.

And I think I was like 16, beginning of,

maybe I was about 16.

I moved out of my house 'cause my mom was the problem.

She was the one that had issues and she was the alcoholic.

I didn't want to be around her.

So I moved out to like my boyfriend's house

and I was like, whatever.

I was going to high school and, you know,

not shortly after I like, I get knocked up

and I get pregnant.

And so here I am, I'm 16 and I'm pregnant and like, you know,

and partying and like experimenting like harder drugs,

like Coke and, you know, pills and everything else.

And I don't realize I'm pregnant,

but I knew something was different with my body.

And I go back home, I moved back home.

I ended up telling my parents like, oh yeah, I'm pregnant.

And by the way, I'm keeping it.

And they thought I was crazy

and they were very pissed off at me.

But like, when I think of like my childhood

or like any good moments in my,

like it was when I was pregnant and I was 16,

I was a baby having a baby, but like I was happy.

Like, and I wasn't using drugs

when I found out I was pregnant, I ended up getting a job.

I worked in the mall till I was like eight

and a half months pregnant.

And it was a really good time, you know,

but you know, getting pregnant and all that didn't,

didn't change what was going on in between my years.

So a week before my 17th birthday, I have my son.

His birthday is March 1st and mine's March 12th.

And so I go home and I do the mom thing

and the new mom thing.

My parents are on board now, so I have their support.

I'm not using, not drinking, I'm not doing anything.

And I do this for about like seven months.

And then that thing like in my head

was just kind of like going off.

Like, you know, I am bored, I wanna be with friends.

I don't like how I feel, like this, I don't want this.

Like this is, I just, I gotta get out of the house.

And so if the pattern began,

like my parents would come home from work,

eight to five, they'd walk through the door

and I'd hand them like my son, like, here you go.

I'm gonna go out and hang out with my friends now.

And you know, that was just really

the beginning of my demise.

Yeah, not, I would go out, at first I would go out,

I'd go drinking, I'd hang out with friends

and I'd come home like maybe like nine, nine 30.

Then it was like, I'd go out, I'd go drinking

and do some other stuff.

And I come back now it's like two o'clock in the morning.

And then it was like, I was staying out all night.

And then I was, then it was like,

I was making my parents leave for work

because I was coming home after they needed to leave for work

and so things were just getting worse

and like my mind was now focused,

like right back on drinking and like using.

Like that was my focus, it was not my baby.

And shortly after my 18th birthday,

I get busted with my first 11, 550.

And now my parents know like, okay, you're using drugs

and that's why you're not coming home at night.

And now here you are in jail for the first time

and you got a problem.

And so I think, you know,

I think I might've went to some treatment center,

some county funded treatment center at that time,

but I never stayed.

And that's like just really when my life

like really started to go to shit.

Sorry, I'm not gonna try to cuss.

But that's like when the cycle.

So like my disease progressed from like starting drinking

and, you know, doing like littler stuff to like now,

it's like now, you know, using meth.

And, you know, I think the speaker before me is like,

I was starting to push the boundaries.

Like, oh, I would never do that.

Oh, I would never do that.

Oh, I would never go there.

I would never be that way.

And like, that was like the story until I stopped.

So I tried to get sober a few times.

My parents took guardianship of my son.

I dropped out of high school.

I had that one job at the mall.

I had nothing like really to stand on.

And now I'm starting to build this criminal record.

And the cycle began where it was just,

I get busted that very first time.

And I only did all my dirt in Ventura County.

So it wasn't like I was all over the place.

This is where I stayed.

And every cop like knew me like, oh, there's Morgan.

And I was getting pulled over left or right.

And no matter what, like I was high.

I was drinking, I was high.

They knew they were gonna pull me over.

Like I was going to jail.

And back then when he would get busted for like a misdemeanor

he would go do 90 days.

So every time I'd go in, I'd go, I'd get 90 days.

I'd get out in 60.

I'd get out and say, I'm gonna do good.

I'm gonna stay sober.

I'm not gonna do anything.

And then I'd see somebody and like started all over again.

I'd miss my PO.

I'd go on the run.

I'd catch a warrant.

I'd go hide in a treatment center.

I'd get caught.

And it just like went like this.

And as the cycle continued, like things just progressed.

Right?

My crimes got worse.

Like identity theft and, you know, stealing cars.

And you know, like seven, 11, five fifties.

Like just over and over and over again.

And it just was like,

when you don't think it could get worse,

it always gets worse.

And so at this point in my life,

I think I was probably like 20, 21 or 22.

And now I'm just like creating so much wreckage in my past.

Like I couldn't even like look at myself in the mirror.

I wasn't seeing my son.

I was a piece of shit.

Sorry, piece of crap mom.

Had this long criminal record.

I had no hope, none, zero.

And you know, now I'm shooting dope.

And then I meet this, and then I go get a tattoo one day

and I meet this person who's tattooing

and that I get introduced to heroin

and like my life just blew up.

And like misery, I mean, it's so hard

to even put into words like how bad

and how much pain I was in at this point in my life.

You know, I started using heroin.

I didn't like it at first.

And then it was just like drinking or being sick.

Like it went hand in hand.

Cause like I wasn't rich, I didn't have any money.

So it was like, I was always sick,

always searching for something.

And then I could, I can afford like, you know,

whatever is hard, hard alcohol.

So I try to like take the edge off

and get well with that until I could score.

I'm like, that was my life.

You know, I'd moved to like be staying in like dirty hotels.

Like he was hitting me and abusing me

and I was staying with it because I didn't care

because that was a dope man.

And you know, just continuing like that cycle,

getting busted, trying to run, not warrants,

like you name it.

And like the shit I would do, like I think about now

and it's just so incomprehensible to me.

Like thinking like I'd take,

be living in like some dirt bag hotel

and like one of these things that I think about is like,

I would wheel like the coin operated laundry,

like washer and dryer to my room,

open the thing up with a crowbar, dump the quarters out

and then like put it back or like steal cars across,

like put it up like on blocks with obviously hand,

put it on blocks,

steal these rims that weren't even like rims, like pawn shops

like it's just in the insanity.

So I didn't have to feel sick.

So I didn't have to think about like what was going on

in between my head.

Like I couldn't sit with myself.

I hated myself.

And I remember like my prayers to God at that point

in my life were like, let this be the last one.

I can't kill myself, but like, can I just do this

and like not wake up because I can't do this anymore.

And I knew even through these prayers

that I meant like sincerely, like if I could just die,

like I'd be good, like simple.

'Cause I knew I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop.

And so in 2008, 2008 got busted for the last time.

And I ended up catching 'cause I have to, you know,

continue to get high and drink and whatever.

So I needed to make sure I support my habits.

So I started slinging dope to do that.

And I catch two sales cases and I'm like, okay,

this isn't good.

I'm on misdemeanor probation and I'm thinking to myself

like, okay, well, I know how the game goes.

I'm gonna plead out to one sales.

They're gonna drop the other one.

Like everything's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna get out felony probation,

call a good cycle continues.

It didn't work out like that.

I ended up, they weren't letting this two of them go.

So I sat there for like nine months.

I ended up getting arrested again

while sitting in the county

for attempting to threaten a witness.

So I'm thinking like, this case doesn't feel very good.

Like I think I'm not getting out.

And after sitting there fighting these cases,

I ended up taking two years and going to prison.

And you would think like that would be enough

of like a consequence for me.

Like here I am terrified,

little white girl going up to Chowtillo.

Like I don't even know what I'm getting myself into.

I could do the county jail thing, but like I was terrified.

And I get up there and it's like, wherever you are,

there you are.

I'm in there drinking.

I'm in there doing the same shit.

Like nothing's changing.

And so I do my term and now it's like,

that was just like nothing.

Now it was just like, okay, I get out.

And then as soon as I'm on the bus, I'm drinking,

I'm drinking, drinking, drinking

till I get to the Greyhound station.

And I just realized like, this is just, this is insanity.

Like my life, this is, I just get out

and this is what I'm doing.

And so I got out in 2010.

And so here it comes around to November

and I'm getting a tattoo and of course,

getting a tattoo and I meet, you know,

my guy who was then, who I ended up dating.

And you know, I'm a liar, cheat and thief.

Like if I'm in my addiction, like that's what I am.

That's what I'm gonna do.

So I was dating him, dating this guy.

And it's hysterical 'cause at the time,

like they were both sober in the program

and here I am high and out of my mind,

like only gonna meet them at two o'clock in the morning,

like crazy, you know, selling drugs, just you name it.

And they're looking at me like,

I remember telling him like, just lying to him saying like,

oh yeah, I go to AA, yeah, I go to AA.

I'm like, I'm doing good and all this stuff.

And what happened was towards the end, you know,

in February, I ended up letting go of one

and staying with the other.

And he was such a pain in my ass about,

and he was starting to like,

really catch on like my double life.

And I just couldn't keep up with my lies anymore.

And I came clean to him and he threw my phone in the toilet

and he kind of like locked me down in the bedroom and said,

no, you're gonna get sober and you're gonna go to AA.

And I was like, okay, I'm gonna go to AA.

I really wanna do that.

I wanna get sober and I'm gonna change my life.

And like, I had no intention,

absolutely no intention of staying and getting sober.

And I certainly didn't wanna be in AA.

I didn't wanna have anything to do with this program.

And he would, honestly,

he would force me like to go to these meetings.

And I was very angry.

I got sober and sat in the back of the room

and didn't talk to anyone.

I never identified as a newcomer because I hated you,

because I hated me.

Like, I didn't wanna hold your hand at the end.

Don't talk to me after the meeting.

I'm just going there with like a sliver of willingness

because I don't wanna have to deal with his shit.

I'm just gonna sit here and just leave me alone.

And like, that's what I did for the first three months.

And then three months, white and ugly, fighting with him.

And then I guess my sponsor, who's now still my sponsor,

she was like introduced to me.

This was, you know, I'll have 11 years next month.

So she was introduced to me and I didn't,

'cause I was not the one where it's like,

oh yeah, here I am, Pink Cloud.

I love AA, I love everybody, kumbaya.

And I want you to be my speaker or my sponsor.

It's like, yeah, no.

Somebody introduced me to her and it's like,

this is who's gonna be your sponsor.

And I'm like, okay, like that's the willingness I had.

I had the willingness to get my ass in the car

and sit in a meeting and say, okay,

when they told me to do something, that's it.

I didn't share, I didn't identify, I didn't do anything.

And that went on until I started to work with her.

And thank God for me and how broken I was at that time.

She was so loving and kind, like a mama bear.

And that's what I needed.

I've had sponsors in the past that are like,

you're gonna do this and this and this,

and it's gonna be like that.

And I don't wanna hear no shit.

But like, that's not what I got with her.

God gave me the perfect sponsor to like love me

and to like love myself

because I had destroyed my life when I got here.

And I had no intention of staying.

I just wanted to kind of pacify him.

And so I started meeting with her every week

and going through the book with her

and doing what she asked me to do.

And just like hindsight's 20/20.

And I don't remember when it actually was

that I didn't think about drinking or using.

But at some point, maybe like around month five or six,

I realized like I'm not even thinking about it.

Like my life is just a little bit okay

to where I feel like I have a little bit of hope to continue.

And like that's been my story since day one.

I never had a pink cloud,

but I just had a tiny bit of willingness

to do what somebody suggested in front of me.

And let's see, where am I at?

And so that's what I did.

So I started working with my sponsor.

Eventually she'd be like,

oh, you know, you need to call 10, 10 women.

She knew I wasn't gonna do that.

I called two, you know.

And like, I've always kept my circle really, really small,

even throughout all these years.

But then, you know, she told me,

okay, you need to get a commitment.

And I'd say, okay, so I get the commitment.

Maybe it was like bringing cookies

or making coffee or something.

And then I remember like getting through the steps

and kind of like realizing I hated the world

and I thought everybody did everything to me.

But really like understanding my part

in everything was so freeing.

You know, being sober and having a clear mind

to like look at actually the wreckage that I caused

and take responsibility for it.

And, you know, be really, and be sorry

and make some amends and try to keep my sight, you know,

clean up my side of the street, you know,

with my family and with my son and like making those,

you know, when we got to step nine,

like I think that's the one step that really changed

like my whole outlook.

I didn't really feel free after four or five or any of that.

Like it was step nine and like, I meant what I said

when I made my amends to my son and to my family.

And I remember like looking at my son

that I had really abandoned, you know, until he was eight.

And I remember telling him like, you know, that I was sorry.

And I did it in an age appropriate way, but you know,

that I'm gonna be here and I'm gonna show you, you know,

kind of like that I'm not gonna leave anymore really.

'Cause that was my pattern.

And I don't think he believed me at the time,

but I meant it and I meant, you know, every word

and I was gonna do everything in my power at that moment.

Like I wasn't gonna go back, you know?

And I started to really, as I progressed through the steps

to like really mean what I say

and I really wanted to be there.

Like I wanted to be in the meeting.

Like I wanted my chair.

I wanted to be like part of this group

that I wanted nothing to do it.

And my sponsor just say, you need to go to a meeting

till you want to go Morgan.

'Cause I'd say, I don't want to go to meetings.

I don't want to go.

But like now when I go to meetings, like, I mean,

I mean, I really want to be there.

I want to participate and I want to give back, you know,

to this program that saved my ass.

Saved my ass.

So I started getting involved.

You know, I got a sponsor, I worked the steps.

I started working with other women, you know, sharing,

being of service and my life because of this program

that I didn't want to be a part of,

that I wanted nothing to do it has changed in ways that I,

like it's hard to reconcile, you know,

next month I'll have 11 years.

I'm my son, it's going to be turning 20, you know,

next month.

And I have two stepdaughters, daughters that,

that I'm their mom.

You know, I've had the little one since she's two.

Like those were the years that I left my son

with my parents.

Like God gave me a second chance to be a mom

to this little girl whose mom was on drugs.

Like, it's just crazy how like the world

and things like work out.

But like the gifts that have been given to me

for having a little bit of willingness,

like it's hard to put into words, you know, today, I,

so I, when I got here, I didn't,

I had a long criminal record, felonies, no job experience,

no school, I dropped out of high school.

And today it's like, I'm sitting here and I got a family.

I married that guy that I ended up lying to.

I ended up marrying him and we've been together ever since.

You know, I went back to school, I had to go get my GED.

And then I went to, you know, I got my AA

and I went back and got my BA and now I'm getting my master's.

I was able to, you know, clean up my criminal record.

Like you couldn't have told me like, you know,

almost 11 years ago that this would be my life

and that I would be able to do what I'm doing today.

Like, there's just no way, I would have laughed.

Like there's the hope, it's just hard to like,

really communicate, like I work in recovery, right?

So I've been working at, and I'm interning as a,

'cause I'm trying to be a licensed clinical social worker.

So I'm interning as a therapist at my job.

I've been there for two and a half years

in a treatment center and I love it.

Like, we talk about, you know, being of service

and within the walls, right, in the program.

But like, I believe, you know,

you can be a service like everywhere and to anyone.

You know, it could be to your family, it could be at work,

could be, you know, in the rooms, just showing up, right?

And I learned all of that from this program.

My mom, who had been an alcoholic my entire life,

just took nine months, you know?

And like, that's a miracle.

Like in my sobriety, I was taking her to treatment

and taking her detox and just having to clean up.

And like, I never really, I mentioned AA,

but I pray for the women that was gonna help her.

I pray for the woman that's gonna help

'cause me and her are too close.

So it wasn't gonna be me and my AA that's gonna save her.

But like, she just got nine months and a real,

and I tell her a real nine months

'cause she's had nine months before.

But it's like, what a gift.

I get to see my mom, who I hated,

like we have such a close relationship now.

And she tells me about what she's doing and her commitments

and like, it's just come around like full circle.

I don't have a lot more to say

other than like for the newcomers here.

It doesn't even like,

you could be sitting here with a court card,

you can be sitting here not wanting to be here like me.

You could be sitting here with someone dragged you

and is forcing you to sit your ass in the meeting.

Like it doesn't matter, this program works

if you just have a tiny bit of willingness

to just do what's suggested, right?

Do just go to meetings, right?

Go to meetings, get a sponsor or have one introduced to you,

work the steps, be of service,

work with other people 'cause I think like for me,

like I said in the beginning,

the only way I can keep what I have is by giving it away.

Like sharing the message of hope,

like, hey, like this program really works.

It works like 100% of the time

if you do what's suggested, what's in that book.

And yeah, just get a commitment and keep coming back

because if you're anything like myself,

like a true alcoholic, like addict,

don't wanna live that life, like this is where it's at.

This is where you can find that peace

and a new way of living

and people that actually give a shit about you

that want nothing from you.

They just wanna be there, they just wanna show you like,

we can do it, you could do it, I could do it.

So I'm sorry if I ended up a little bit,

ending a little early,

but that's like what I have for tonight.