10 Years Sober: Christiana’s Journey Through Trauma and Hope

Christiana, alcoholic.

Thank you for your share and for showing up and all of you for showing up and

giving me a place to share my recovery.

Thank you for asking me, um, start as a qualifier.

My sobriety date is May 22nd, 2012.

So this year, that's not what I want.

What, okay.

Oh, there we go.

I'll have 10 years.

Um, which for me is just, I can't, that's kind of scary in a little bit of a way.

Um, and also just mind blowing cause I, I remember not even being

able to get to the 30 day mark.

Um, I want to say welcome to those who are entering the rooms for the first time.

There is hope in these rooms and if you stay long enough, you'll see it within

other people and for yourself also.

And that, I think that's one of the biggest blessings of AA is that we find

hope again in these rooms, which is hard to see nowadays, um, especially everything

going on in the world and just all the fear that exists, but one thing that I do

know is that if we keep coming to these meetings, there, there is hope to stay

another day sober in this moment.

We're not drinking, we're not using, and you know, we keep putting one foot in

front of the other and we are very, um, we're very resilient bunch of people.

Um, I just think about everything that's gone on in the past two years.

Sorry, we're not supposed to curse.

Um, these past two years.

And I initially was like, I don't like Zoom, Zoom doesn't work for me.

And like, I started to see myself get a little crunchy and I was, you know,

getting a little more angry at people in traffic and a little more irritable.

And, um, you know, it was like, fine, I'll go to a Zoom meeting.

And I was able to see a little bit of peace come back and I wasn't as snappy.

And I was like, okay, I'll go to another Zoom meeting.

And I started to see people that I cared about kind of fall to

the outside of that inner circle.

And some of them aren't sober anymore.

And you know, like I see the rest of the world falling into a state

of chaos, like even just in LA.

And meanwhile, we can, we can handle a lot in these rooms.

We continue to show up and we stay sober and you know, it's, it's really beautiful

to see the way that we have connected with each other and learn to adapt our format

so that we can continue to share the message of experience,

strength, and hope with others.

Um, I try to think, I don't remember my first drink.

I do remember my first, um, when I threw up because of alcohol.

Um, I, a lot, I have a history of trauma and quite a bit of it.

And before 12 years old, there's not a lot of memories.

I've just learned to block it out.

And when I started doing therapy focused on the trauma, the images

that were coming back were not pretty.

So, um, I was like, I don't really want to do that anymore.

Thank you.

Um, but I do remember like 13, 14 years old, I found some Jose

Cuervo and I drank way more than any 13, 14 year old should have.

And I, I woke up and I turned to my, um, friends and I was like, I had

a dream that I threw up last night.

And she like lifted a towel and was like, you did.

And I was like, well, that's weird.

Like I drank that.

I did that and all morning I was throwing up and her dad came in.

Like, he was like, what's going on with you?

It was like, I got sick off of garbanzo beans.

I think I had food poisoning.

And now I know you actually can't really get food poisoning

from garbanzo beans or hummus.

Um, so that's cool.

But like, I just remember there was this part of me that was

like, I felt, felt kind of cool.

It's, it's a little embarrassing to say sometimes, but like, I really

felt like I found the thing and I found an escape and I was like, this

is what, this is what's going to save me.

And at times it did.

It really did save me from myself.

Um, bottles of Veuve Cliquot were going missing.

I don't know how my mom didn't put two and two together because

it was just us in the house.

She would be like, I don't know where they went.

I need to get another one.

And I was just like drinking them.

They tasted great.

So by 15, 16 things were really unmanageable with alcohol.

Um, you know, I, my parents separated when I was nine months old.

Um, my dad was a severe alcoholic drug addict.

Um, he, he was active in his addiction and my mom was like, I can't, I

need to do something to protect her.

And that was something that, that kept me from feeling like I was

connected to other people was growing up on the West side, there weren't

a lot of people that I knew that also had single mothers and were an only child.

And I always felt like I was on the outside and maybe, maybe if I had this

thing, I would feel better and it was always something and you know, my mom

did a wonderful job of she worked her ass off to care for me and as a kid,

I couldn't understand that all I understood was that I didn't have what

everyone else had and you know, there, there wasn't someone at home taking care

of me, um, I had a housekeeper who was like a second mother to me.

Um, and there were times where people would forget to pick me up.

They thought someone else was picking me up.

And, um, I was just like sitting outside school waiting for someone

and a teacher, it would be dark and a teacher would come up to me

and be like, no, we're, are you okay?

And I'd be like, oh, you know, I'm just waiting.

Um, and it's my heart breaks for that, that little Christiana.

Um, and it, it was these experiences that validated my drinking

and using the way that I did.

If you felt that pain, that suffering, you too would drink, you too

would smoke, you would act out.

And try and get attention.

And you know, I come from a long, long line of alcoholics, um, and a long line

of sobriety too, is what I've come to realize, um, my dad eventually got sober.

I think he passed away with 20 something years.

He didn't, he didn't stay in the rooms, but he stayed dry.

Uh, and that's one thing that I know that I don't ever want to be again.

I've had periods where I've been really dry and it is probably worse than being.

Active, like my mind has just been so mean, it's so hard to navigate.

And despite not being in his, the active drinking phase, he caused a

lot of wreckage and a lot of harm.

He wasn't able to keep commitments.

There were times where I would set up waiting for him and he just

wouldn't show up and things like that.

He had his own mental health issues.

And, um, you know, I saw, I saw the impact on my brother and sister and it was sad.

Um, my aunt was my first sponsor.

Um, she, my father passed away.

I think I had six.

I didn't have six.

I think I had three months sober and I got a call from my step-mom saying that

my dad was in the hospital and he had stage four cancer, I needed to come right away.

At three months sober, that was like, I don't know what to do.

Um, luckily I had a couple of relapses, so I had made some connections in the rooms.

And this was, this was back in 2012.

And, um, I had a sponsor at the time and I, I kind of knew what to do.

And luckily my, my phone was went straight to the phone and called my sponsor.

She didn't answer.

I just started calling.

I called my mom crying hysterically.

My, my sponsor immediately called me back before I could even

like get through any other numbers.

And she stayed on the phone with me until my mom got home.

We booked a trip and I flew out there and, you know, I got to, I got to

hold my dad's hand as he was dying.

And I got to say that I forgave him and I think I really did.

Um, and my aunt kind of held me hostage.

She took me to this diner and I didn't realize it at the time, but she took

me through the steps back to basics way.

And we went through all 12 steps.

I did not understand why we're doing it then.

And they're like, my dad is in the hospital down the street.

Why are we here doing this?

Um, and now, I mean, I see it, she, she was like, you can't afford

to not do this work right now.

And while I probably would have handled it a little differently.

Um, I'm really grateful because it did help me stay sober during that time.

Um, I moved out there for a little while and, you know, my recovery, you

know, it wasn't too solid to begin with three months sober is, you know, you're

not winning at the recovery game so much.

Um, I went out there to take care of my brother and sister and I didn't connect

with people in the rooms that were there.

Um, no offense to Arizona recovery, but old Cowboys, um, were

not my idea of a vision for you.

Um, I really struggled to connect.

I was like in these like saloons in the middle of nowhere, Scottsdale,

um, not even like downtown Scottsdale.

We were like in cactus land where it was 20 minutes to get to a grocery store

and guys are smoking cigarettes and have cowboy hats that they literally

had spurs on their shoes.

I'm from West LA.

This was not what recovery was to me.

Like I did not understand it.

And so I stopped going shocking.

Um, and the thoughts started coming back.

Um, I was searching around at one point with my brother trying to find pot and

he was, he was 15 years old and he had just lost his dad and he and I are going

around our dad, um, looking around for marijuana and I sounded really old saying

marijuana while looking for, looking for weed, um, we'll say that that sounds a

little better.

Um, and I realized that I needed to get, I needed to leave and it broke my heart

to leave my brother and sister.

Cause I was taking care of them.

My step-mom was not able to show up for them.

I was being a parent in that situation.

And I also am really glad that I did it because at least one thing that they did

see was me taking care of myself and a family that didn't really take care of

ourselves.

And, um, I stayed sober and I got back to the meetings that I, I really felt like

there was some connection to, and it was hard.

It was, it was really hard.

Um, mental health is definitely a part of my story.

So I, I do include it.

Um, when I, when I said that alcohol saved me from myself, um, it really did.

I was struggling with, um, suicidal ideation at the age of 13.

I had my first, um, 51 50.

Then, um, I went to BHCL Hambra and as a 13 year old and BHCL Hambra, um, I

learned, I learned that I wasn't cutting the right way, that I wasn't trying to

kill myself the right way.

And I was so impressionable and I, I just wanted anything to be outside of this,

this body and this mind.

And, um, my cutting got worse and worse.

Um, my attempts increased in frequency.

And, um, one of the things that I did find was some sort of sense

of safety in these institutions.

So I would, I would go there a lot.

I think I went, I was seven, seven times between the age of 13 and I must've been

like 16, 17, which is shit ton of times to be hospitalized.

Um, but you know, it, it really was, I was surrounded with love.

I was, my needs were cared for.

Like I didn't have to do anything like nurses were there.

They play cards with me and it, it no longer became about trying to

necessarily harm myself like that was there, but it was how do I go and find

safety because it wasn't safe at my home.

Um, and at that time I started exposing myself to more and more

alcohol, more and more pot.

I discovered ecstasy and man, I fucking loved ecstasy.

Like if you struggle with depression and you get ahold of some ecstasy, it's

like, holy shit, life feels good.

And like, I loved being able to feel my body in a certain way,

like tingling sensations.

All I felt was like numb and dead inside.

Um, and I ended up switching, like from trying to kill myself to trying to kill

myself through drugs and alcohol, essentially.

Um, I always wanted more, I needed more.

I couldn't, I didn't have the access to use the way that I wanted to use.

So I was still kind of managing.

And in college, when I went away, I was 17 years old when I went to school and

I had the decision to either go on a softball scholarship or a soccer scholarship.

Um, and I went with softball because I would have had more playing time and my

ego could not handle sitting on the bench for a year, lo and behold, I got injured

and I was benched the entire season and the softball team partied with the

football team and if you think the football team can drink, well, let me

tell you about the softball team.

We were very competitive and we out drank almost every single

like linebacker that we had.

It wasn't a huge school.

It was D3 football.

So that's not saying a whole lot, but the linebackers are big regardless.

And I was out drinking easily all the dudes in the room.

Um, and that, that fuel was ignited because it was easier and easier to get.

Like I had more and more access and blackouts were happening regularly.

The security guard was concerned about me.

Like, cause he would tell me that I was sitting outside by a tree and hugging it.

Like what the fuck?

Like weird things, sorry, I cursed again.

Um, it's going to slip.

Um, we're more and more weird things were happening.

Um, and it was, I thought it was kind of funny and then it

started becoming dark and scary.

Um, I lost my scholarship.

The only things that year that I ended up passing were, I think it was computers.

And softball.

And the only reason I pass softball is because who doesn't fail softball.

Um, I told my mom that it was because I failed math and I wasn't allowed

back at the school that was not a surprise.

Um, she believed it cause math has never been my strong suit.

I, I was being sent to first grade math class when I was in third grade.

Cause I was just, I just didn't understand these concepts, these

letters, these numbers, like what are we doing here?

Um, so I returned home and I started doing the JC switch.

Um, I went to Santa Monica, got it together a bit, ended

up going to Cuesta college.

I ended up just failing out of these schools.

Um, and if you don't know, you can fail out of a junior college.

I didn't know that it's happened three times.

Um, I did not know how to show up for classes.

I was high when I showed up for classes.

I actually had a professor at one point.

I was in this remedial English class and we have the exam that I didn't know about.

And I did a gravity bong hit right before class.

And he took one look at me, took the exam from me and gave me some

like markers and a piece of paper.

Cause like, he was like, girl, you are too fucked up to even do this.

And I was just like sitting there coloring and I guess he didn't want

me to be embarrassed that like, he just knew that I wasn't going to do it.

Um, I just kept not understanding why I couldn't pass these classes.

As well, if you're constantly drinking in class and getting high in class,

you're not going to pass, you're just not.

Um, and it was a source of a lot of shame.

So I kept trying to do it, like being on growing up on the West side, like

everyone's going to like Stanford and places like this, that was never an

option for me, but there was this idea to fit into this image of, you know,

you go to a four year school, you get a good job, you start a family, you do the thing.

Um, and meanwhile, I'm making up these lies, these excuses, like, I don't

know, there was this thing at school.

That's why I'm not done yet.

That's why I'm not done yet.

And it really was drugs and alcohol.

Main reason.

Um, I ended up working some, there was a lot of trauma associated with

San Luis Obispo, a lot of blackouts, a lot of drinking, there was a sexual assault.

There was, it was just, it got so bad and it wasn't, I don't blame the

drugs and alcohol for the sexual assault, but I don't think I would

have been in that situation to begin with, had I not been using drugs and alcohol.

Um, and that was a difficult part to look at on the fourth step.

Um, not that I needed to forgive someone for that, but looking at, you

know, drugs and alcohol were present.

Um, and that was, that was about kind of where I left it with that.

I didn't have to look at it any further.

I got that permission from my sponsor to just kind of let that one go, but

it was a resentment that I held on to.

And I got back, I had always managed to somewhat keep functioning jobs.

Um, and I started working at Pitfire Pizza.

I don't know if y'all know it, but there's quite a few that

somehow end up next to AA meetings.

I don't know how that happens, but I was an assistant general manager

at Pitfire in Westwood and there's the Selby street meeting that is right near

it and it's actually a meeting that I ended up going to, but I was, I ended

up starting making the sangria.

Um, it got to the point where I would bust out a like black cherry soda, pour

it in a glass next to the sangria, hoping people would think that I wasn't drinking.

They think it was the black cherry soda, but really I was like drinking sangria

10 o'clock in the morning and it just kept getting worse and worse.

And, um, at that time I think I was even biking to work because my drinking was

so bad and I ended up like looking back, there was people in the meetings that

would come into Pitfire and I kept offering them drinks, like let me get

you a drink and all this stuff.

And I just, I don't even know why I shared that, but essentially I was, I

was testing a bunch of alcoholics and now looking back, like that

was the place to hang out.

Um, I feel bad for them.

I constantly was like, Hey, do you want to relapse?

Do you want to relapse?

And they're like, no, man, like you're okay.

But I've always like found myself in these weird AA circles,

like somehow on the outside.

I've always been drawn towards AA.

Um, I ended up quitting that job.

I got a DUI.

It was very embarrassing incident.

Um, I had gotten home from the bar, biked home from the bar, wanted Taco Bell,

decided to get in my car to drive to Taco Bell, got pulled over, told the officer

that I was drunk, um, and that's why I wasn't answering the questions correctly.

Um, not very smart, but I think it was this part of me that just so

desperately needed help and didn't know how to ask for it anymore.

Um, and was forced into the rooms of AA.

Um, I ended up telling the general manager at Pitfire that I couldn't work there

because I couldn't stay sober working there.

I kept doing a couple of days sober, relapsing a couple of days sober,

relapsing, and I quit that job.

And, um, I focused on my sobriety.

I don't, I don't know what I did for employment after that.

I think AA and school were kind of my employment, but I started, I started

to slowly connect with the rooms because of this court order DUI.

Um, I didn't know that faking attendance was an option and I'm really glad,

but I was faking my signatures.

Cause I was too scared to tell people in the rooms that I was

actually court appointed alcoholic.

I thought I wouldn't belong.

Um, so sitting in the rooms and I would go and fake sign my court

card and turn it in, um, which is kind of reversed.

Uh, so yeah, get your court card signed if you're here for that.

Um, I told my DUI counselor, like we were in like these group DUI classes and

people were on like their third or fourth.

And I started sharing about my connection to the AA meetings.

And I think I was probably the first one who shared about actually wanting

to go to AA and wanting to like be sober.

So he like latched on to me and was like, here's how we do recovery.

And I'm so glad he was like, you're going to get the sponsor.

You're going to do this thing.

And if I slowly started to see that I belonged in these rooms and that I mean,

I really belong, not just like, Hey, you're here on a DUI charge.

Um, I ended up having an experience where I had an opportunity with

school at that time to go on a major trip for Marine biology.

And I wanted to test myself one last time with drinking.

And I ended up missing the whole opportunity.

I camped at a different campground.

I got so drunk.

I fell 20 feet off of a cliff.

Um, I don't, I don't know how I didn't get injured, but I climbed back up and

like covered in thorns and busted up.

And the first thing I grabbed was fireball.

Um, any sane person would be like, I need to stop drinking for the rest of the day.

I just fell off a cliff and my idea is woo survived.

Let's let's do fireball.

Let's do champagne.

Let's keep this thing going.

Um, I missed out entirely on that opportunity.

I don't even think I saw the professor wants to trip.

And when I got home, my mom, I walked in the door and she was like, yo, yo, you okay?

Like, and the first thing I said was I need to go to an AA meeting.

And it really was that aha moment of like, I need to really do this.

Like I've tried every single way to do it my own way.

And maybe I should just listen.

Um, I got a sponsor.

I started doing, doing the steps.

Um, that's when the whole thing with my dad happened.

I ended up coming back to LA and I had this young sponsor and

I thought she was so cool.

She was pretty, she was standing at the podium talking about how she

just broke up with her boyfriend and she didn't want to drink.

And I was like, that's my sponsor.

Um, that was, there was like no, no recovery there, except she didn't drink.

And we would sit and read the big book and she started nodding off.

And I would, I had made enough friends during that time to be like, I

think there's something off with my sponsor.

They kept an eye on me, but they never told me what was going on.

And they waited for me to have my own experience with my sponsor.

And I was like, do I need a new one?

They were like, yes, here we go.

Let's find you.

And I found a sponsor who was so like, just, she was Alan on an AA.

And it was like, you do it this way.

This is how we do it.

We sit at the front, you don't play with your phone.

You think the speaker, you arrive early.

Like she, I mean, she put me in check, um, and I needed it.

I needed every bit of structure and direction.

And I started really kind of giving my all to school and I

started to see that I wasn't stupid.

I actually have the ability to achieve.

And there was like an immediate turnaround between the time I started

actually showing up to meetings and working the steps, not just like doing

the in and out of, Oh, my life improves.

I'm starting to find connect with teenagers.

And I was working at a church and I was starting to pass classes and I didn't

wake up with these shameful thoughts.

I, I started to see my friend group change and it was kind of the first

real time where I was like, Oh, this is the real issue was the drugs and alcohol.

And the way that I was using all these other things to fix all of the hurt.

And if I just show up, share with others, do some very basic things

like turning my life over, trusting others, asking for help when I need it.

Things like that, my life would get better.

Um, and I ended up, I ended up having a counselor or he was a counselor doing

like this course that was like counseling, but it was really like how do you pass

classes in college who really invested in me, um, and he had me do a, instead

of the normal final, it was like a written first step that was like explain

why you're unmanageable and you're powerless over alcohol, what does that

even look like, and he allowed me to turn that in and it was actually

my first day that I ever got.

Um, Ooh, I just got feelings, um, uncomfortable, but like it was really

was that assignment where I was like, maybe, maybe I'm not stupid.

Maybe I have a chance.

Maybe, maybe I can graduate college.

Um, and at that point I had been kicked out of three junior colleges,

asked not to return to like SMC.

Um, and I was like, I think, I think I can get my associate degree and

started doing the work and I ended up getting my associate degree.

And I was like, maybe I can get a bachelor degree.

Maybe this is possible.

And I was 10 years to get my BA degree from when I graduated high school, I

guess, um, and I finally got it.

And I found out that, you know, there's addiction studies, you can get your

bachelor degree in addiction studies.

And I was like, shit, I know something about that.

Like I'm a pro at this.

And I started taking classes that were focused on psychology and addiction

studies, and I was like, maybe I have something to give to this professional

community and it allowed me to kind of shift the whole trajectory of my life.

And I ended up, you know, finding a new sponsor and she's still the

same sponsor that I have today.

And it was, I saw light in her eyes that I hadn't seen with other people and I felt

safe and I felt like I could go to her with anything and I really do believe in

finding a sponsor who is there for you thick and thin and like cheers for you

when you're struggling and being weird and, um, helps you turn towards other

women in the program or other men in the program and really getting connected.

And, you know, she helped me believe in myself when it was really difficult.

And when I had this, I had a dream at five years sober to, when I graduated

college to go and travel around the world for six months and she was like, shit, do

it, you can stay sober and like everyone in my life was like, no, you, you cannot

stay sober or going around the world that long, like you just can't do that.

My mom was freaking out.

She was like, you're going to drink.

This is insane.

Why are you spending that much money?

And meanwhile, my sponsor was like, why are you going to meetings?

Like, how do we support, what is our plan to connect and do all this?

And I ended up taking a five year by turn five in Greece and took

my five year coin in Ireland.

That was a trip.

Um, like the, the meetings in Ireland, like meetings at Vietnam meetings in

Greece, like I was, I was connecting with a recovery community all over and it

helped me stay sober and help me experience different cultures.

And during that time I had actually applied for grad school and I had, uh, I

had a full ride to university of Denver, which is unheard of for grad school.

And something in me during that trip was like, this isn't it.

This isn't it.

Don't, don't go to that school.

And the more that I traveled, the more that I connected with cultures and I

didn't want to do social work in Denver.

Like, uh, I wanted to be in a city where I could really make some change.

Not that Denver is not a city.

If anyone's from Denver, like it's great, beautiful, um, flat, got some mountains.

Great.

Um, but I saw myself doing social work in LA and I rejected that offer.

Again, people were telling me I was crazy and my sponsor was like, no, like you're

do with what you trust, like God's got you.

Um, and you know, I leaned into the fact where, where are the meetings there?

Like I love fucking pot and Denver and pot.

They like are a perfect storm for me relaxing.

Um, and I ended up saying like, no, like my recovery is not going to like, I don't

think that's the best place for me in my recovery.

And I worked in methadone clinics for a year.

That was quite humbling for my recovery.

And I ended up applying to USC and I ended up getting another major scholarship.

Um, and I ended up kind of entering this field and getting honors at USC and making

the Dean's list, that's where I connected with you.

And you know, it was, it's been this beautiful wild ride where I've still had

my fair share of issues, but I also have throughout every single struggle, I've

been able to connect with the hope and recovery and hope in the meetings.

And you know, it's, it's not always easy.

Um, but I know that I don't want to go back to what life was.

Um, there's, there's so many things that I don't even know what I want to do, but

I know once I identify it, that I'll be able to achieve it.

And that's because of the encouragement and the love in these rooms.

And I don't think I've all of my insane ideas.

Like I've really been told like, no, don't do that.

It's kind of been like, okay, how do we support you in your sobriety

as you go do this thing?

And I'm a big fan of kind of just cheering people on with our dreams.

Cause we are, you know, we're, we're quite creative in these rooms.

Um, we went to great lengths for drinking and using, and we will go to great lengths

and achieve beautiful things in recovery.

And so, um, finding the people that you connect with and who cheer you on along

the way and, um, going where the love is, you know, I I'm a big fan of going where

the love is and there's a sense of comfort and peace in these meetings that.

I know when I'm struggling, as long as I get to a meeting, I'm going to be okay.

Because even if I say like, I'm just struggling with being an alcoholic

or just being in my own skin, there's going to be someone in this room.

That's like, yeah, I know what that feels like.

There's whenever I speak up about a difficulty, there will be someone in

that meeting who has been through something similar and can share their

experience, strength, and hope.

And if there's not, you better believe they probably have a phone

list of people that I can call that will have been through something similar.

And we don't, we don't have to navigate recovery alone.

And that was something that was kind of a weird concept for me.

It was like, Oh, I don't have to do things alone.

Like, what do you mean?

Like I can actually trust other people.

I don't have to constantly kind of guard myself and protect myself.

Um, cause that's the only world that I really knew was

like, how do I keep myself safe?

Um, I didn't know how to trust.

And in these rooms, I learned how to trust others.

I honestly, I didn't even know how to live in these rooms taught me how to live.

Um, I, I had been of service.

I'd worked at churches.

I grew up in the church and theoretically I knew what being of service was.

I went on mission trips.

I did all that, but it wasn't until I got sober.

And actually did true service work in these rooms that I really understood

what it was like to help a fellow human being and to help someone who is

struggling, it was always, what can I get out of this cervix experience?

I'm going to go to a homeless shelter and do these things, but it wasn't for

the other people in a way was how do I feel better by doing this thing?

And now it's just like, how do I help you?

How do I connect with you?

How do I share recovery?

What do you need to do?

Um, and that, that was, that was a transformational experience to give

without trying to get anything in return.

And ultimately like sharing the message of recovery with others.

While I was at USC, I was connected.

We, there was a recovery center there and I had the opportunity to mentor

women that were in the social work program who were trying to get sober.

Um, I don't know how they even made it to grad school by drinking

and using, but you know, they, they did it.

And I got to like, sit down and read the big book with women on campus.

And that, that was wild.

Um, and knowing that like, if I struggled, there were other people on

campus who are struggling and could offer experience straight than hope.

And I think one of the beautiful things about AA is learning

that I'm no greater.

I'm no less.

We are, we are all equals.

And at the end of the day, we're all just trying to navigate recovery.

And I really try and hold on to that.

Um, and just continuing to come back to meetings pandemic or not, like

we got to show up for our recovery.

And if we're not in these meetings and we're not working on our recovery,

someone else might miss out on what we have to offer.

And so sometimes I don't want to go to a meeting.

I don't, I don't want to fucking show up sometimes.

I want to go, sorry, I said it again.

Um, I want to go straight to bed afterward.

I don't want to go to a meeting, but also I'm asked and other people showed

up for me when I needed a meeting.

And so sometimes I'm in these rooms just to be another body in the room.

Cause someone might be struggling and not know that there are

this many people in recovery.

And thank you for allowing me to show up and share my story.

Thank you for asking me.

And thank you all for being here.