Judy's Journey: From Early Drinking to 11 Years Sober

Hi, thank you. Judy, alcoholic. Hi, Judy. Hi, Scott, I want to thank you for asking me to lead the

meeting. Scott had asked me one other time, and unfortunately I was unable to do it. I want to

thank our readers for their service tonight, and if there's any newcomers in the room to identify

them, identify themselves, or on Zoom, welcome. You're in the right place. So, you know, I was

telling a friend of mine that I was leading this meeting tonight, and I said I think I'm probably

about the only alcoholic who doesn't like talking about themselves, because I still have that whole

garden thing coming up. Judy, alcoholic, my sobriety date is May 25, 2011. God willing,

one day at a time. If I do continue to do what I did yesterday and today, I think I have a chance.

I'll celebrate 11 years. So, what's my story? Let me tell you a little bit about, you know,

how it was, what it was like, how it is, and whatever. Okay, let me hear my experience,

strength, and hope. And excuse me, I am nervous. I grew up in a single-family home. I'm the

youngest of four. My father passed away when I was six, and my mother having three, having four

female girls in the home, just, you know, I remember her telling us that she would never

bring another man in her home by having, you know, because she had all girls, and she holds true to

that. You know, I can say for my opinion, we hear this a lot, but, you know, I grew up in a very

loving, dysfunctional home. I think that's the best way to sum it up. It was definitely love in

the home. Of course, as far as my father and his side of the families, I'm not aware of any

alcoholics being in the home. You know, I don't even know if I want to call my mom an alcoholic,

but I know that there was drinking in the home. But what I do know was there was no drinking in

the home like the way I drink, and that's why I say that today. But when there was alcohol in the

home, it was very chaotic. You know, it was very chaotic. So, you know, in my story, I would let

you guys know I have a lot of yets. You know, I have a lot of yets in my story. So, I grew up in

that home. I had three older sisters. And one of the things, you know, people talk about, like,

they didn't want to be like their parents. You know, for me, I didn't want to be like my siblings.

You know, my mother, what I do know, I did not do my steps with any amends to her, resentments to

her. I do realize that my mother did the best she could for what she had and what she knew. But I

had three older sisters that was totally rebellious, just totally rebellious. All three of them were

teen moms. All three of them were, you know, high school dropouts. And they just gave my mother a

lot of problems, you know. And I didn't want to be that way. So, not only being the youngest,

according to my siblings, I was the good, you know, went to school, I finished high school,

I went off college, I did not become a teen mom. I got married when I was 21. And my mother,

you know, I didn't want her to worry about me. You know, I would sit up with my mother at nights and

see how she worried about my sisters, not knowing where they were, they were late coming home,

some and then one or two of them may not come home. And I didn't want to do that to my mother.

So, you know, that was not my story, as far as with my mom. And so, you know, life goes on.

I started, I had my first drink at the age of 13. And of course, I loved it. You know,

I remember drinking some old English 800 malt liquor and getting sicker than you wouldn't want

to believe. And I couldn't wait to do it again. You know, and at 13, you know, drinking wasn't

that, you know, wasn't that frequent, because I couldn't get my hands on it. So, life goes on,

I go to school, I'm now a teenager. One of the things about me is we talked about running with

the older crowd. And I did because I was always the youngest. And all of my group of friends,

I was the youngest. And the neighborhood kids, I was the youngest. So, that was just me. You know,

I had always been around older people. But nevertheless, one thing I can tell you when

I talked about my siblings, the one thing for sure is I cannot wait to get old enough to pick

and choose my own friends. Because being the youngest and they doing what they're going to do,

it was always easy to get out of the house if they took the youngest with them, you know,

give mom a break, you know. And I remember getting in plenty of trouble for violating curfew

when I wasn't even old enough to cross the street by myself. And to today, I still don't understand.

I don't know why I got, you know. So, you know, I couldn't wait till I was old enough to get my own

friends so I could follow the rules like the rules was supposed to be followed. And not to say I was

that perfect child. I was not. I was better than they were. I just didn't get caught. You know,

that was the difference between me and them. So, you know, I'm, you know, in high school,

I'm starting to drink on the weekends, getting with the older kids, going to high school games,

picking up my own friends. I can tell you there in my teenage years, I started smoking marijuana

from 1979 to 1992, you know. And that was my history until I moved to California. And then I

I'm definitely an alcoholic, you know, no doubt, no questions about that. So, anyhow, you know,

I finished school, I get married. So, now I'm in my early 20s. And what I consider myself and what

I learned in these rooms was I was a periodic, you know, I could go, you know, the thing was,

is when I drank, I drank. I didn't drink all the time for a while. You know, I could swear out for

a year or two, you know, after having a real bad angle. But again, when I picked up the alcohol,

I drank. And I love drinking. I really do. If I could do it today, I would still do it because

I had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun drinking. So, life goes on. That happens. You know,

having a lot of loss is a huge part of my story. As I mentioned, I got married early, young. I got

married at 21. I lost my husband when I was 32. I've, you know, lost my father when I was sick.

I'm six, I've lost aunts, I've lost nieces, I've lost nephews. And I lost my mom and my sister,

the one that was a few years older than me, I lost them in 2009. It's been five months apart,

less than six months apart. Losing my mom, losing my sister, I think had a lot more effect on me

than losing my mom because my sister was one of us. At the time, I didn't know what that was.

She was still just this is rebellion child, just was not taking on her life was unmanageable,

you know, and I didn't know all of this, you know, I know it today, you know, and I just couldn't

understand, you know, I just couldn't understand and I had a lot of resentment against her.

So when she passed away, though, that was really hard. My mother had been sick for years off and

on. So I sort of prepared myself for that, that, you know, that time would come. So I'm drinking

off and on. I'm not really that line that you talked about. And thank you for your share that

line. He talked about, I would say probably after probably right after my mom passed away in 2009,

somewhere between 2009 2010, I crossed that line. All the things, you know, and I had this list of

things that I wouldn't do, you know, I'm not going to drink alone. I don't drink before the sun goes

down. You know, only drink on the weekends, you know, you know, not drinking in the morning.

Those were all my standards, those was all my justifications. And as I go on in my deep disease

progress, what I've learned, you know, if I wasn't working, I was drink, you know, so if there was a

weekend, you know, not even just a weekend, when I get off of work, you know, I would just, you know,

it was on until I passed out. I was a blackout drinker from the very beginning. And again,

I had no idea what a blackout was until I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And for an alcoholic like me, you know, I'm sitting there thinking, I'm hearing you listening

to people talk about this. I'm thinking, Hmm, is there such thing as a brownout? Because I remember

half the night, you know, so, you know, that was the thing. So come to find out I was a blackout

drinker from the very beginning. And, you know, I didn't think it was a party unless, you know,

I didn't remember, you know, you know, waking up the next day not really knowing what's happening,

you know, at night. And that's how that's how sick my thinking was, you know, so doing that time,

you know, my disease starts to progress. I'm now becoming a daily drinker. I'm blacking out. If it

was the weekend, I would wake up. I don't know if it's Sunday or Monday, come to find out towards

the end of my drinking. It was a lot of Mondays that I ended up missing work and not calling in.

By the time I came to, you know, my thinking again, well, if I haven't showed up now,

it's 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock, they sort of figured out I wasn't coming, you know,

and it was just that that shame that I had, you know, from what excuse am I going to give them.

And not only to mention that, you know, I, you know, used to be my claim of fame that I didn't

drink at work, but what I now know and learn, you know, I would go and I'm wreaking the alcohol,

you know, and there was times where people would say, Have you been drinking? And I'm looking at

them all, you know, defensive and no, I haven't been drinking. But I just read because I probably

just got finished drinking maybe three or four hours before I came in, you know, there was times

where I was really lucky enough at that time, I was really blessed that I worked for a small

nonprofit company, and it was a family owned, and they sort of, they sort of adopted me into their,

you know, so there was conversations about them, you know, that they would have with me what they

was concerned about my drinking. But the one thing that they did for me, I mean, they did many things.

And this is just hindering me that they looked at it because if they know all the loss that I had,

and the recent loss that I had, you know, they summed it up that I was grieving, so they were

justifying my drinking, I didn't have to do it, you know, it's like, oh, that sounds good. Okay,

I'll go with that, you know, but then it was, I don't have a problem drinking, I just enjoy

drinking. And, you know, I can stop when I want to, and I just don't want to stop, you know,

and that's, you know, fighting for the right to continue to drink. That's how it was for me. And

that went on for a while. And I can tell you on May 24 of 2011, leaving work, going home,

saying to myself, and it was a many of these days, that I'm not going to drink today,

I'm not going to drink today. And for me, the worst feelings towards the end of my drinking

was not wanting to drink but have to drink. And that's where I got to the point, I had to drink.

And just driving home saying, I'm not going to drink today, I'm not going to drink today.

And, you know, I swear, I think my car was on, you know, autopilot, because next thing I know,

two blocks before getting home, I'm sitting in front of the liquor store, you know, so and,

you know, the good alcoholic I am, and I've heard a lot of people say this in the rooms,

especially when I was young, how they would go around in different liquor stores, you know,

and I'm like, what, why would you do that, you know, and their thing was because they

didn't want anybody to know that they were alcoholic. Well, I'm a little arrogant,

and I got an ego, I'm going to the same place, because I'm a loyal customer.

I walk in, I don't have to say anything, they're already when I'm coming again, you know,

they see my car in the parking lot, I walk in my bottles on the counter, you know, I get my

little chaser, you know, and get a bag of ice, you know, and I'm good, you know, and I'm at home.

And the one thing for me towards the end of my drinking, I was an isolator, you know, I would go

home, the blinds are shut, the lights are out, the only thing on is the TV, and it's me, the TV,

and my pop, you know, and that's, that's how it was, you know, but the one thing for me is when

I was drinking, I guess being lonely, I get on the phone and I call up, you know, and talk about

incomprehensible demoralization, that I would end up calling my, the people that I work with.

So, the next day, I don't know who I talked to, I don't know what I said, you know, towards the end,

I go to them and want to discuss something with them, and they're like, you know, Judy,

you told me that four times already, you know, and I'm like, you know, really just really embarrassed,

you know, and that's what my bottom was like for me, you know, when I came into the rooms,

I was spiritually, physically, and emotionally bankrupt, you know, when I mentioned earlier,

I have a lot of yets, I'm yet to get that DUI, I was yet to lose a job, I was, I'm yet to be

homeless behind my disease. So, anyhow, go back to May 24th of 2011, sitting at home, you know,

after in the evening, after I'm saying that I don't want to drink today, I'm drinking, you know,

and I'm looking myself in the mirror, and I don't recognize who I am, you know, and I'm drinking,

and I'm drinking every day, and I lost weight, thinking I'm looking like hot stuff, you know,

and so, I decided that when I went to work the next day, that wonderful boss who reached his

hand out to me, I'm gonna go tell him that, you know, I can't do this anymore, do it anymore,

don't know what to do, I heard about "Atholics Anonymous" whether it was on TV or as a child,

but what does that mean, you know, I just couldn't do it anymore. So, I go to work the next day,

feeling like crap one more time, you know, and trying to, you know, ruffle up enough courage to

have this conversation, and before I got the opportunity to have that conversation,

again, there was a meeting, you know, and there was a meeting, and I need to be in attendance to

that meeting, and what that meeting was was my intervention, and I go into this meeting,

and I'm an administrator, so all the other administrators are sitting there,

and they're talking to me, and they're telling me how they're concerned, and how much they care

about me, you know, and they went through a lot of work, went through a lot of work to do that,

and I'm sitting there thinking I'm not gonna stop this, I'm gonna allow them to be able to do this,

and at the end, they offered me help, and all I could say was yes. I didn't know what that

help entailed, what it would be like, but, you know, I just said yes, and that was my surrender

that day. I immediately left work, I went to Charter Oaks Hospital, I think that's in West

Covina or somewhere, I don't know, and by the way, yes, my name says I'm from San Jose, I got sober

in the San Fernando Valley, my sponsor, my whole foundation of recovery I established in the San

Fernando Valley, and I still have the same sponsor today. I've been in the San Jose area actually

about five years, I originally came up here to work, and, you know, that was an opportunity that

I would not have been able to get had I not got sober, but anyway, I think that's where I went.

I remember going in, I remember doing some work or whatever, but the next day I woke up and this

nurse or somebody approached me and said that I needed to go to the hospital, something was wrong

with my labs, and again, talk about that surrendering, my first response was like, okay,

and then, you know, settled, you know, a click with me, I'm like, wait a minute, what are you

talking about? First of all, I don't even remember doing these labs, you know, and then, so I, you

know, they said I had to go, and I said okay, and I ended up calling my boss and letting my boss know

what was going on, and I go over to this hospital, really don't know what was that normal about these

labs, what were they looking for, you know, I'm in the fog, I'm detoxing, I'm over there, I'm

emotional. I remember, bless his heart, this, I had this male nurse and I'm like bawling, and I'm

bawling like a kid, a baby, and he's like asking me what's wrong, and I just remember saying,

you know, I can't smoke, I can't eat, I can't drink, I can't quit all of this at one time,

you know, and so I was in the hospital for about a week with them running tests trying to figure out

what was wrong with me, and I tell you, we talk about how deadly this disease is,

you know, it is, and I'm a testament to that, you know, because I had a lot of health issues at the

time going on behind my drinking, so I'm in there for a week, they're running tests, they find out

what it was, thank God it was nothing really, you know, too major, but it was enough to scare me,

it was enough to scare me, and so they released me from this hospital, and I go back over to this

other hospital, which I now know today that it was a mental, it was a psych ward, and I go back over

there, and I walk in there, and they're like, I'm sorry, we can't take you here because your

insurance only covered detox, and they considered you detoxed in the hospital, and I'm like, you

know, what do I do, you know, what do I do, I'm feeling helpless, you know, here I am, now I want

to get help, and don't anyone doesn't want to help me, so again, I call my boss, I let my boss know,

I go home, and then they did some more research for me, and had me go check out a couple of other

treatment facilities, and I get the same response, and my last one, remembering going to Tarzana

Treatment Center, I went there because they supposed to work on a sliding scale, and I go in

there, and you know, they gave me the same spill, you know, my insurance won't cover it, they can't

take me, and I remember leaving Tarzana, and I remember driving up Reseda Boulevard, and I'm

thinking, you know, I just need to go get a drink, and I'll just go get me a bottle, and I'll just

deal with this tomorrow, because that was always my thinking, I'll deal with it tomorrow, I'll deal

with it tomorrow, you know, but talking about a higher power, and I do have a higher power in the

relationship with the higher power today, who I choose to call God, you know, he again was watching

over me, and I did not do that, I went straight home, I made those phone calls, I called my boss

again, you know, because here I am, I want help, nobody wants to help me, I don't know what to do,

I don't know where to go, so my boss did some research, and you know, we hear a lot of things

about SLEs, or sober livings, and you know, for me, I have nothing but good to say about a sober

living, because they found a sober living for me right over in Chastworth, I was a little reluctant

to go, I gotta pay these people, I need to pay my rent, you know, I could stay home and do this,

but I don't know what I'm doing, so I go, you know, again, surrendering, you know, again, just

gift of desperation, again, having that willingness, and I go to this sober living,

and these women are there, and they reached out their hand to me, and I grabbed onto that hand,

I end up doing some outpatient, you know, service while I was there, and that's

where I was taught the basics about Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, there's meetings,

get a sponsor, get some commitments, you know, and I was so desperate, guys, if you would have

told me to stand on my head, standing on my head would have kept me sober, I would have did it,

you know, and I was so open when I came in that I did whatever anybody told me to do to keep from

drinking, and I stayed in that sober living house for about 30 days, and it wasn't because that's

all I needed, you know, I stayed there for 30 days, because financially, that amazing employer,

he paid me for those 30 days that I was off work, so I could keep my health insurance,

and he paid for the first 30 days of that sober living for me, you know, and just, you know,

some amazing people, and I was just blessed, and at that time, you know, when I went over there,

I felt it was a little too loose for me, I need more structure, because one of the things for me

in early recovery is I did not trust myself, you know, I have no accountability to anyone,

you know, so I could just do it, my first thought was, oh, I have the whole day free,

I could go home, I could drink, I could sober up, and I can make curfew, you know, and I'll be good,

you know, but again, you know, that higher power working in my life, once again, I did not do that,

matter of fact, I was afraid to go to my apartment, and I did not go, so I did that,

and it came time for me to leave, I actually stayed an additional two weeks, because again,

I don't trust myself, and I'm afraid, and that was a safe environment for me, you know,

the Valley Club, you know, was a safe environment for me, because I could always go there any time

of the day, just, you know, to be around people when I needed a meeting, because I just did not

trust myself being alone, because I did all my drinking alone, so that's what happened for me,

I was going to, I went to meetings my first year for six days, six days a week, if I met you ladies

or you men, and you told me there was another meeting over here, I should check it out, that's

what I did, service definitely kept me in the rooms for many years, you know, I love being a service,

I went to six meetings a week, I had five commitments out of those six meetings, I got

involved in the convention, I got involved in the convention probably about six to eight months

sober, and actually that's how I met Scott, we did some service work together, and I did that

up until year before last, I moved up here, got the wonderful company that I was working for,

we lost our contract, and they closed, and I was about four years sober at the time,

and just to let you know, that amazing employer that I had for the first five years my sobriety,

he gave me a take every year, you know, and he still reaches out to me every year on my sobriety

day, you know, to just let me know how proud he is, but I reach out to him every year to tell him

how thankful and how grateful that I am for him to have this life today, so, you know, that job

closed, and I remember, you know, I have been there for 22 years, you know, when I got that job,

we were doing paper applications, so now I don't know how to get a job, you know, I don't even know

what to do, and I remember one day leaving work and calling my sponsor, you know, what I knew,

I knew what you guys told me, so I would leave work and I'd go to a meeting, I would not go home,

I'd leave work, I'd go straight to a meeting, and I'm driving to the Valley Club, and my Valley Club

was over on Corbin Avenue where it's still today, I know you said you went to the old Valley Club,

but I'm there in a parking lot and I'm bawling, I'm scared, I'm financially feared, you know,

I have this financial fear, you know, because in my head I wasn't given a last day, but I'm now

homeless, you know, my car is now being repossessed because I don't have a job,

my apartment, I don't know how I'm going to eat, all of this is happening as I'm still working,

you know, so I, you know, call up my sponsor and I'm on the phone bawling with my sponsor in the

parking lot of the Valley Club, and she let me do it for about 10 minutes or so, and one of the

things what I did when I called her, I told her you don't have to tell me I'm already at the meeting,

I'm just waiting for the meeting to start because that's what I was talking about, and she let me do

it for about 10 minutes, and then she said okay, you need to get into action, so you need to go,

you know, update your resume, she gave me the steps to do, and she told me that's what I

needed to do, and you know, I get off the phone with her and I'm walking into the Valley Club,

and of course the greeter's there, and this is with me, you know, we talk about being a service

and helping other people and getting out of self, that's what I did for a living, and that was my

problem, I was busy, I could solve all you guys's problems, you know, I could give you some

suggestion and advice, but I didn't know how to take care of Judy, you know, my taking care,

my solution to deal with Judy was drinking, you know, that's what I thought my solution was at

the time, and I remember walking into Valley Club, and you know, we have to be honest, and we talked

about, you know, talking to people and telling them how we feel, and the greeter asked me to say,

how you doing, and I said fine, and I was just in my car bawling like a baby, and I said, you know

what, I'm sorry, no, I'm not okay, you know, and I had to get honest, and I had to share my feelings,

you know, and this is something that was new to me, I didn't know how to do, you know,

so those were the steps that I took, and I ended up getting another job, and I worked that job

for a while, and that company closed, and then I'm, here I am again, you know, I'm unemployed

again, but this time I don't have that fear, I don't have that fear, you know, my sponsor had

to tell me that, you know, my higher power didn't bring me this far to drop me now, and I still

remember that today, and I hold that deeply to me, you know, and so I, you know, that job didn't work

out, and I had to get another job, and because of working the steps, and with the ones that came

before me, and even the newcomers who has taught me in recovery, it just was totally going against

what I believe in, my values and morals, and I had to leave that job, and just right when I left that

job, again, higher power working in my life again, I got a phone call from someone that I used to work

with, and asked me to help them out up here in San Jose for a couple of weeks, and I'm like sure,

why not, and I came up here on a temporary basis, and I've been up here for five years,

I work in recovery, that's what I do, and my job, when I decide to switch from the other

social service field that I was in, my sponsor and I had a really good talk, and the one thing

that I had to commit to, not had to, I wanted to commit to, was my job cannot be my program,

you know, because I work in recovery, I teach, you know, counsel, recovering addicts and

alcoholics about to close that, and maybe even take them to meetings, but that was their meeting,

not my meeting, and I had to remember, thank you, I had to remember that, and you know, what I do

today, I work, I still have my sponsor, I still check on my sponsor, I do a daily gratitude list,

you know, that I share with my sponsor and my sobriety sisters, I attend meetings, you know,

a week, and you know, I came up here and before COVID, I had an H&I commitment, because that's

what I need to do, I need to be in service, I need to get myself fresh, because the minute that I get

comfortable and rest on my laurels and think I have this, I'm in trouble, so I always have to

stay new, I always have to stay open, I always have to stay willing, you know, and continue to

be teachable, you know, and this is what I do today, and you know, I'm so grateful and blessed,

you know, that I have the life that I do today, and I would not trade that for nothing in the world,

so I got a warning of the timer, so I do want to wrap this up again, I thank you guys for having me

at your meeting, and you know, to share my experience, strength, and hope, and you know,

that's my story for my journey to here in Alcoholics Anonymous. Again, if I continue to do

today, you know, yeah, I do today what I did yesterday, I know I have a chance, you know,

I know I have a chance at another day, and I do want to share this really quick. One of the things

when I came in, I kept hearing the rest of my life, you know, you guys kept telling me I couldn't

drink for the rest of my life, I had to do this for the rest of my life, and for me, that was like

a huge goal, that was such a huge long-term goal for me, and one of the things in my sick recovering

alcoholic head was I'm gonna screw this up, you know, I'm gonna screw it up, I don't know when,

I didn't have a plan, but I'm just gonna, you know, hang around until I do, you know, and that's what

I did, but it was finally probably about 60 days into my recovery, I stopped hearing the rest of my

life, and I heard one day, I heard 24 hours, and because, you know, I was a periodic, I knew I could

stay sober for 24 hours, so again, I'm not gonna drink today, I'll drink tomorrow, I'm not gonna

drink today, I'll drink tomorrow. God willing, next month, one day at a time, I'll celebrate

11 years of sobriety, so thank you. Thank you, Judy. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Oh, Judy,

you are a rock star. Oh, thank you. I'm looking at the picture that Sophie just put up, I think

I might have sent it to the wrong person. This is who I got. Thank you, Judy. Thank you, guys,

thank you so much. Thank you. God, thank you so much for asking me. Yes, no problem.

You do, I mean, I was looking forward to your last time. Okay, sounds good. Definitely. Come on up.

Okay, I sure will. Okay, thank you. Sean, can you hold on for a minute while I still look for it?

Okay, thank you. The link in the chat. Well, but it's not going to do me any good on my phone,

is it? I don't know how to do that. If I click on it in the chat, will I get it?

The Venmo probably online. Let me see. She doesn't do anything if I click on that goes,

goes. Okay, great. Thank you so much. I got it. Okay, Sean. I got it. Thank you so much.