Joey’s Journey: From Meth‑Induced High School to Alcoholic Relapse and Recovery

Thank you very much. I think I did that right right? Yes. Yeah okay. My name is Joey and I am an

alcoholic. Thank you so much for sharing Bill. That was nice to hear. I haven't heard you in years.

That was great. Well thank you. And welcome to the newcomers and I happy birthday even though

I'm there okay. Anyways um okay is my time up yet? No? Um so here's the deal. I am an alcoholic and

I call myself an alcoholic because uh I have the disease of addiction and um and I I don't

differentiate uh my addiction comes in so many different forms it's ridiculous. So uh whatever

I do I do it alcoholically and therefore I am an alcoholic. But you know as as you were talking

recently I got asked to be the co-chair of my 50th high school reunion right? Go figure you do the

math. Okay and um I remember for some reason I remembered a vivid memory of um you know when I

was in when I was in high school it was a hundred years ago actually um and uh you know we were we

were hippies and we invented drugs and um and we did and it was a good time I gotta tell you. And

uh so um I I suffer from ADD and in my day we didn't have initials for my my disorder. We had

dumb stupid and slow is what we had. There's a lot of shame um that goes along with dumb stupid and

slow and I couldn't tell my classmates that I don't get it it was and I can't tell you what

they said and um I would try to focus and I couldn't do it I would try to read and I couldn't

comprehend and uh life was really difficult for me especially because I couldn't tell you I don't

get it I couldn't do that because then you'd know and then you'd think I was dumb stupid and slow

so I would act as if. But one day some kid came up to me and um and he said here try this and uh

so he put this little white pill in in my hand with a little cross on the back of it I put it

on my tongue and in about an hour where's the classroom what do you want me to do I got through

three years of high school in an hour and a half it was amazing and that little white pill turned

out to be um what we know today as methamphetamine and um and you see I'm a really cheap date I'm I'm

I'm a little thing and uh it doesn't take much. So I remember you know I was I was always on edge

eh and uh just always wired and just out of it and so one night uh I snuck out and I went to a party

and they had alcohol and this alcohol I was told would take the edge off and you see it wasn't that

I needed the edge taken off or anything except for that I wanted you to like me I wanted to be a part

of this thing I wanted to be able to fit in and sort of go under the radar so I started drinking

again I'm a cheap date it does not take much you know I can see a commercial for for liquor and and

you know sort of wobble away it just doesn't take much and I remember everybody was getting really

wasted and really drunk and um I was starting to feel a bit tipsy myself but suddenly there's a

bang on the door it's the police department the entire west side of the police department is like

at the front door and everybody's stammering like like cockroaches and I remember I'm not getting

caught this way uh-uh and I I went over the wall landed on a rose bush that was a drag about a week

later I'm like infected with thorns and um and that was my first uh experience being um a little

tipsy a little intoxicated and I quickly knew that alcohol was not my drug of choice it just wasn't

and um because I I don't like feeling out of control I don't like um you know I again I'm

too little to drink and the room does this and and it just doesn't agree with me but I don't like I

don't like the way the world looks over you know the world's dark sober the world is is dirty sober

so I gotta do something about this little dilemma and so uh life went on and you know and I would I

would try various things wasn't happening and I always go back to alcohol because it was so

accepted so everybody's doing it kind of thing and and um just to be a part of this whole trip

I'm gonna do it too so uh long story short uh when I when I was in the 12th grade um the drugs

and the alcohol is not agreeing with this little girl and uh it's starting to affect me physically

and so I just stopped what's that about I just stopped and that wasn't okay with me so I gotta

find something so in those days you know we would if you kicked something out that was um growing

out of the earth and put it on your tongue you're gonna get off and uh so I I found organics and I

found God and um and I found uh hallucinations and all kinds of wonderful things and and now I'm

a hippie and I've got to go and I've got to go to Topanga and um and to meet some of these rock stars

those Neil Youngs and those Joni Mitchells that I aspire to be don't you know so I stuck out my

thumb I ended up in Canada go feature I went I went a little bit too north and um and I stayed

and I stayed for a long time and um it was it was hippie heaven it really was and um and nobody was

um nobody was taking any of those synthetic drugs we were all like like just you know we would paint

pictures of Jesus with LSD and eat the hand of God and we were all happy and uh and I can't begin to

tell you how life went on life went on just really wonderfully you know everything was colorful and

peace love and wherever my backpack was was where I was sleeping that night and it was all good and

one day I went to a hippie dippy fair and I met this guy and we were both peeking on LSD and I

really could have sworn that I was in love but I wasn't I was peeking on LSD and um and so I said I do

and we did and I wasn't it was not right and I woke up and uh-oh what have I done and uh what

that marriage got me was an immigration I became a Canadian immigrant but um it for some reason he

was a drug dealer and I just stopped again it's all good and I uh stayed that way I stayed stopped

for a long long time but this person that I married um he taught me how to you know it was

great he was a drug dealer so I could call my family we're Jewish and I called my family I said

I've married a doctor and they were happy right great and uh so life went on and I had this man

was very abusive and um and one day I I just packed up my brown bag and I stuck my thumb out

again and I came back down to uh California and I was going to just stay for a week really honest

I was but I ended up seeing for a long long time and uh so I had to go to work now I'm a singer by

by the gift of God um my music is my thing and um and I've over the years in and out I've made

my living singing and um in various clubs and things like this and uh so so uh got a job in

Santa Monica canyon as a waitress and I start I would sing as I was waiting on tables and I

became known as the singing waitress and people started coming to see me sing and um and to wait

on them and it was really fun and one night somebody said to me one of my co-workers so

what do you want to do tonight now I hadn't used drugs or alcohol in a long long time and I said

I don't know what do you say we get I don't know a gram of cocaine what do you say okay well that

was the beginning of the end and uh so uh it got really bad and I started drinking because uh

because I had to take the edge off and you y'all were dancing and doing disco and snorting a lot of

coke and and everybody was happy and um and I got a little bit too happy and uh and the parent figure

in there ended up intervening one more time and put me in um in those days we didn't have rehabs

we had hospitals so they put me in St. John's hospital uh to the CDC unit chemical dependency

unit okay so uh I have not had a drink since January 20th 1983 because I went to this place

and um and they scared the crap out of me when they told me about the effects of alcohol boy

did they scare me and I'm not touching that stuff again uh-uh and and thank you god I haven't um but

you see again um reality started set in I don't like reality I don't like reality at all I can't

I don't function well in reality you know I'm I'm the one that they always say we have to let you go

I can't keep a job I can't I just I'm not good that way I'm still ADD and so I had to find

something and so I found um other substances big time I found other substances now now here's the

deal I really tried to make it out in in the real world I really did you know um but I ended up

getting a job in a nightclub singing all night long and um and uh waiting on tables all day long

and so crevasse went very well with that and uh yeah and a little cash a little bit of bloke and

you're good to go okay and so I would sing till two o'clock in the morning I'd come home with a

bottle of crevasse I'd sit in the in the bathtub write music drink and I'd do it all again the

next day and I'm I'm burnt out and um but I'm keeping it up and I kept it up for a long time

anyways uh that's a very expensive way to live and again I I ended up going into rehab and um so

I had to figure out a way that I could keep this uh drug thing going on because yeah I like the

drugs and um and so my boss came to me and he said listen do you think you could get me a little bit

of that stuff that you've been doing sure give me give me some money and he said and don't tell my

wife okay and so I did and his wife came to me and she said listen you think you could get me

a little bit of that stuff that you've been doing and I said well yeah give me some money she said

but don't tell my husband well turns out I could do the math okay I've got this much money here

I've got this much money here my husband was a drug dealer he taught me how to do okay and hence

there I was I had an occupation suddenly I had I I actually had my own self-employed job and um

and I really wanted to be the CEO of me and I became a really good I I did well I did very

well and um and it became my addiction the power the um the uh you know I wanted I needed so badly

to be needed and suddenly you needed me suddenly I I was in charge of my own reality and um my life

went on like that for a long long time now I could get into some of the um war stories I don't like

to romance this I don't like to romance the stone but I gotta tell you um I lived that life that

some of you go see movies about I um I lived that life I was always on the edge I I yeah I spent a

lot of time um if I if I wasn't on the edge of life I was taking up too much room on one side

or another you see because I like that I'm a I'm a rush junkie I need I need to constantly have that

and because I'm a singer I um I ended up um getting quite the clientele and and I spent very

good part of my life in in music studios and I I became um that person that uh you know to the

stars that that person that was me and um and I was very lucky you know uh I I was constantly

looking over my shoulder to see who was following me but I was very very lucky and I lived this

really I gotta tell you I wish I could tell you that my life was horrible and that I slept with

people that I didn't want to sleep with just so what they could give me and all that stuff but

that's not my story I didn't do that I made sure I was uh I was very self-supported in my own

contributions and um and and I it was exciting it was exciting and I had decided that if I had to

die that way that was okay with me because my family had died at that point um my parents left

the planet a long time ago and um my brother I don't think he really cared much I don't think

anybody really cared much and I certainly didn't care about you you know I was me me it's it's

about me don't you know and my universe was totally together I didn't need I didn't need a

husband or anything like that you know I'll tell you something um my my occupation and my my my

habit kept me so together in my universe I didn't use a blanket for 10 years I didn't need one she

kept me warm I didn't need food anymore she kept me fit I didn't need uh another human being that

really uh really interrupt my reality I certainly didn't need a child because a child would

interfere with my with my disease I didn't need anything I just didn't need anything but there's

this thing about existing on the planet apparently we need to breathe and I physically I had started

to um really physically I was not well I couldn't I could hardly breathe anymore I couldn't sing

anymore and um and uh my voice was like this all the time and um but I was willing to sacrifice

the only gift I've ever been given by the grace of God and music had to go because she kept me warm

and it would have been okay but I knew the end was coming and I really didn't uh I really tried

to get clean throughout the years I really really did um I started in 83 going in and out of these

rooms I loved Alcoholics Anonymous but I couldn't stay I I apologize but I just couldn't stay don't

you know I had things I had to do I went uh I ended up getting in trouble I think in 1994

they sentenced me to rehab so I went to cry help and cry help I stayed at cry help for six and a

half months and I really really did try honest I did I just couldn't stay I had things to do

you know uh they call them they call them relapses I call them lapses I had lapses in time of my

sobriety and uh about 10 years went by after cry help and um I was getting in trouble I was

finally getting tired and I was finally falling asleep and not being as awake as I should be

and not being as on guard as I should be and I started getting arrested and I got arrested

one night in front of the police department I just passed right out you know in front of the

police department and uh so that was God uh intervening in my life because you see I couldn't

do it on my own and I certainly couldn't make it to these rooms on my own because I have things I

gotta do don't you know and um and so they they arrested me I I used to like going to um local

jails it's a wonderful place to detox um especially Santa Monica it's quiet good burritos it's all good

and nobody's bothering you in those in those local jails until they decide to take you down to county

we're not doing that today so I bailed out of there and about a month went by and uh I was

tired I was just getting tired and I wasn't thinking and I was driving recklessly and I had

just uh picked up um some illegal substances and uh and um I was on my way home and the police

weren't going to let me get home not today and so one more time I'm arrested and uh I go to the

Van Nuys jail horrible horrible jail if anybody's even contemplating going to the Van Nuys jail

please get arrested someplace else it's the worst place in the world so I bailed out of there

immediately now I'm pending on two cases okay so about a month later and my court date's coming up

and I'm thinking to myself you know I really should turn myself in careful what you wish for

and uh so the following day um I broke my own rules I stayed up all night that night and um

and I was at the Lowe's hotel and somebody called and they wanted something so I went downstairs

I did my thing and um I'm looking up kind of like Deborah Carr was in an affair to remember

I was looking up I was looking at you Donna and um and I was because I needed to get back upstairs

because the magic was wearing off and my medicine was upstairs and uh and I stepped off the curb and

I didn't look and I'm walking across the street and I decided it's time to look and I was crossing

in front of a police a policeman and I knew at that moment that I remember like yesterday I looked up

and I said well I just don't think I'm gonna get loaded tonight and I very like slow motion I put

my hands behind my back and I walked and I went and sat down on that curb and I waited for those

gentlemen to come and change my life and they did they changed my life and uh that was almost 16

years ago that was September 1 2006 and I've never had to get loaded since because I uh I got five

years in prison for that uh it was about time it was about time for God to finally intervene and

do for me what I could not do for myself when I tell you I couldn't quit I couldn't quit I I

wouldn't quit there was no reason for me to ever get out of bed if I didn't have something to get

out of bed for so I made sure that I always had what kept me warm and suddenly I wasn't going to

have that and um when I they never gave me any kind of uh set bail because at that point I was

a wanted criminal and um so I went away and um and I had decided you know I'm a nice Jewish girl from

from Beverly Hills we don't go to prison don't you know and we certainly if we do go to prison don't

really know how to act I'm not the big time gangster that I thought I was I just not I'm a

little nice Jewish girl so I decided that I wasn't going to use drugs or or alcohol in um in prison

and everybody else is everybody else is they're they're either making pruno or um they're

sneaking something I don't know but I'm not getting caught up in the mix and for some reason I decided

my life is going to change now and you see nothing changed this is what I know about alcoholism and

addiction this is what I do know that alcohol and and addiction in any way shape or form has

nothing to do with the substance itself nothing it's what this tells me to do about all the stuff

that I need this for and if if this doesn't change in between here then this is not going

to change either because I'm in pain I'm uncomfortable I don't know how to do this

life thing that you want me to do so when you when you leave in prison they um they hand you money

they hand you 200 at the gate so my headset now you have to understand I've been clean all this

time right nothing in my system but where am I headed I'm headed to the bus depot to get loaded

because I'm going to find somebody with an accent there it can change my life okay and as I'm

leaving this is how I know that god god has had a plan for me even even in the depths of my um

my addiction I I know that I know that everything that I did this life of mine has been all for one

reason and that is to be here at this this table right here and right now and the reason I know

that is because as I was leaving this godforsaken prison um the co said to me see you next week

because that's what it is that's the recidivism that goes on there and I looked at him I said no

no you won't no and as I'm leaving one somebody said to me how's about we make you a deal I love

that word deal so uh I said okay what how's about you go to rehab you're a drug offender how's about

you go to rehab and um and we'll make you we'll let you off a parole early oh okay like I had

anywhere else to go and uh so I went I went to the Claire Foundation it's in Santa Monica and as far

as I'm concerned it's heaven on earth because the Claire Foundation gives you tons of rope and they

say go ahead hang yourself but they also give you this beautiful guidance to to these places that

you have to make a decision whether you want to hang yourself or not and every day one day at a

time um it was slowly but surely seeping in that maybe I don't want to hang myself maybe I do want

to change maybe I never want to go back to that horrible place called prison prison's a horrible

place I learned how to make mascara out of coffee I don't care okay I don't care I don't care how

to do half the shit that I learned how to do in prison right and so I I decided that perhaps uh

there was something else for me and one day something happened to me where they threatened

to take me back upstate and I know that I hadn't been listening to everything everybody was saying

because you see I think there's two people that live within us and and this this person is saying

okay let's do this but this person back here is going can you just come over here are you sure you

really and and that's what was happening and so I wasn't really I was doing all the moves I was uh

you know going to meetings and being of service and doing whatever I had to do and saying okay

okay and and then in the back of my head I was flipping everybody off and full of hatred and not

saying the prayers and not doing the do I just didn't want to go back to prison and uh I went

they sent me to this place that said um uh they they do this intake thing and they uh did um a

questionnaire and I found myself speaking of God who knew and they said you can't talk about that

here don't you know where you're you're in a behavioral modification uh place and I'm like

well this is what I know this is what I've been listening to this is what I'm you know

God God God God God and they said well then you have to go and there I was downtown Los Angeles

with a plastic bag full of my belongings I could have crossed the street and gotten loaded or I

could make a phone call and I made that phone call and um I asked my friend can you actually I called

my brother can you pick me up he hated my guts at this point like gee many crickets you are just the

worst sister I could have ever had but anyways he picked me up he dropped me off at my friend's house

my friend who had quite a bit of time under his belt and he let me sleep on his couch nobody was

happy to see me at this point you must understand and um he took me to my parole officer's uh

office in the morning and um as I'm sitting in that office she says if you don't get yourself

into a program within the next 24 hours we are sending a black and white to take you back up

state and the phone rang and it was the claire foundation and they asked if she had seen me and

she said yes she's sitting right here and they said well then bring her home we made a mistake

and I said no my hands went up I fell to the ground and that was my moment that was my moment

of sadness that's when I started to be like the dog on the dash okay okay okay what do you want

me to do and that like I said is I'm coming up to 16 years and I've been like the dog on the dash

ever since and what sobriety has brought me is a life that I uh waited many years to have and it

was always in the plan I I just needed to do all this other stuff in order to be the person that I

get to be today and what happened for me is when you're an ex-con nobody wants to hire you and so

they um I was uh telemarketing god for it's just the worst telemarketing and they they had garnished

my wages I was living on 175 dollars a week and are you do you know who I am what and I'm taking

the bus I don't think so and um and so I I would do that every single day and life became hell

and I had the weekends off and I remember like it was yesterday um one of those weekends I thought

maybe I'll go back to one of those meetings and the bus went right by license sessions that's what

it did it was and I didn't have to walk very far and they let me off right there and that's I

to go to that uh louise and um sherman way is where I started to go and it was a woman's meeting

in the morning and um they saved my life they didn't judge me I had I had my hair was half

gray and half red and I didn't change my clothes very often because I had been in prison blues for

so long and I I just didn't know how to live I just didn't know how and you guys taught me you

guys taught me how to live one day at a time and I'm very grateful for that um I I didn't end up

staying with um um well actually it was quality of life and um that too and um but I kept coming yay

I just kept coming back because you you had um you had the answer for me and so um I remember

Laurie maybe you guys don't know you remember Laurie hey she got me into H&I and that was a

very good move Laura um and I've been with H&I uh what for 13 years now and Laurie told me about uh

school she told me that she was in school and I thought yeah they don't know who I am an add I

can't I can't draw a straight line but maybe just maybe because it's the only thing I know about

I know about addiction maybe I can carry that message okay so I decided I might go to school

but I I nearly mentioned it to somebody she and I said but I can't go I don't know how to enroll

and she got out of computer and she enrolled me oh that part well I can't go because um I'll never

find a parking place if you remember I didn't have a car oh and that part I can't go because that

that campus is so big and so she put me in the car and she walked me around that campus

six times that day so that I knew where every bathroom was everything and today I'm on the

foundation of Pierce College don't you know and um and so I decided well I guess I have to go to

school and so I went to school and it just blew my mind because that first class at the end of the day

it suddenly dawned on me that I knew more at the end of the day than I did at the beginning of the

day and if you'll remember I'm a rush junkie and that gave me a rush and so I got strung out on

going to school and I stayed in school for seven years don't you know and I have letters behind my

name today and um and I am able to uh carry the message in such a way that um I work for cry help

and uh and I I get to go to work every single day and I get to be with people that on their first

day they don't know that they want this thing and then on the 90th day I watch miracles I literally

thank you god I get to watch miracles with my own two eyes and uh you see this life that I have

today was who knew that it was so worth waiting for I got I got sober at 52 years old I went back

to school at 57 years old I'm coming up I'm almost 70 years old now and um and I feel like I'm 12 I

mean how does that happen how does it happen that this little girl can can be so fortunate that I

get to do what I get to do on a daily basis and all they ask me to do is work these 12 little steps

call this woman that her name is sponsor go uh to meetings reach out this hand even when this hand

isn't feeling so good carry the message bring books to people who knew who knew that this is

what I had to go through the you know that I had to um go through this incredible life that I've had

who knew you know if you feel an earthquake it's because my parents roll over in their graves every

once in a while and and think mazel tov you know they're amazed and I'm amazed I'm amazed on a

daily basis you know I don't get out of my bed until um I say my third step prayer I just I'm

too scared I'm not gonna do it I say my third step prayer and I ask god please please let me

be tolerant today let me be patient let me have an open mind and let me be free of judgment because

judging is my favorite sport and uh it just is and I'm sorry I think it's all of our favorite sports

and nobody's going to say anything about it but I'm going to tell you I love to judge but I don't

get to tell you that's what the difference is today I can think whatever I want to think I can

be whatever I want to be but you don't have to know about it the greatest compliment I get is um

you you are an ex-convict yes I am my name is Joni and I'm an alcoholic thank you for letting me share