Debbie's Journey: From Early Drinking to Finding AA Support

I'm Debbie and I'm an alcoholic. Hello and happy birthday Lori and thanks for your share. Good

share. I'm so Debbie I'm an alcoholic and I live in Prosper, Texas and my sobriety date is January

26th of 98 and I tell you that because I didn't bother getting the sobriety date when I came in

and also it's a custom here in Texas. They did it and I thought they were very arrogant for years

and now I do it it rolls out but I had tried to get into this sobriety and program early 80s and

I just could never get any traction. I you know my doing not the programs and so when I had to come

to AA again in 98 I just came for a while to hang out with y'all. I wasn't an alcoholic didn't plan

on staying. I just needed to stop drinking for a while and you guys were a large group of people

not drinking so I was going to come out come in and hang out with you okay and it was probably

right at six months one of the gals goes because I never got a chip either I was trying to draw

no attention I wore stringy hair in front of my face and a big puffy coat and I you know just came

into the meetings and she's like you've been here for a while you know how long have you been sober

and I'm like I don't have any idea well when's the last time you drank I'm like Super Bowl Sunday so

we figured out when that was because that was like right before Google so we had to actually kind of

dig and investigate and so the day after is my sobriety day and that little group there they

brought me a half a cake because it was my half year anniversary and a card and it just astounded

me that anybody cared that I was sober and that they had noticed that I'd been coming to that

group I had you know I'm trying to hide I'm trying to be invisible I'm just trying to do this

and that's kind of when I really kind of joined the program you know I'll start at the beginning

of my story I was born in Kansas I'm an only child I'm an only granddaughter and I'm the first

granddaughter on the other side so I was just spoiled rotten and all my grandparents live in

the same little town as me and I've got great aunts they live to be like 98 and they're twins

Vera and Virgie you know everybody in this little town of 10,000 people pretty much knew one side of

the family or something and so I just grew up and you know I thought I was special you know I was

a happy child I was you know loved adored we went camping I had a dog you know I played with barbies

I mean it was really normal had a bike you know played and you know I actually was thinking about

talking today and I'm pretty sure I finally nailed my first drink you know and it was we'd went up to

Illinois to a cousin's wedding and I was going to be the flower girl I was about 13 and the husband

or the husband-to-be was working that night and so her and I were supposed to be doing ride things

or something or rather but we went got drunk and we're riding around because I'm a kid right and I

remember we had to keep going to the liquor store and it was a drive-through liquor store which is

like what is what a famous idea you know too drunk to walk drive through but so we had to keep

replenishing it way back then you know and I I can remember us picking him up from work and I'm drunk

in the back seat prone still talking you know it's hard to shut me up nowadays but I'm pretty sure

that was my first drunk you know and so when it came to high school drinking I you know I jumped

in with both feet you know it seemed fun it seemed like what the cool kids were doing I wasn't real

sure how to be cool I was just trying to kind of fit in and have fun and you know it didn't seem

seemed very harmless and I just assumed that I would grow out of this you know my parent my

grandparents have been married 78 years when they passed my parents are working on 62 years

I mean I just figured I would get married and live happily ever after I didn't know there was really

much much else going on um I've been married what I've heard people say is that I can say several

times because it's over four so I'll just go several times okay and um and I had no idea what

ended in divorce it wasn't my plan I mean it was a big wedding four people on each side you know

big flower girls I mean the whole it didn't last six months you know and I um found another boy

and I ran off with him while I had family visiting me and my new husband right and um I left him to

take care of them I don't know that I ever went home I'm not the early 80s are pretty much a blur

but um that that is the selfish self-centeredness that I ended up being where I thought I was loved

safe protected in a family you know and within just months I'd changed you know and I'm now um

I moved to the big city you guys will laugh it's Tulsa, Tulsa, Oklahoma and I just thought I could

get lost down there because there were so many people and I would just be able to go down there

and do whatever I want and nobody would find out I'd never get caught um just my big plan right

and when when I grow up you know 20 something but when I grow up I'll just grow out of this

and then I'll get back to this little white picket fence pork swing kind of lifestyle I mean that was

that was what I really expected to happen um but at that point the um the car crashes and the

DUIs and you know in and out of jails and and then I I started going in and out of treatment centers

these treatment centers were not the insurance paid ten thousand dollar big book kind of thing

um they were um how whatever your family could donate it was the type of treatment center that

you would um plastic it was it was kind of rough and um plastic mattresses and um when you went in

they would put you in the shower and spray you down with quill so that you wouldn't bring any

more bugs into the house you know you had to sit there and and my attitude they left me in the

shower with that burning quill on me quite a while because because I'm an asshole you know and um you

know I'm the type that shows up to the treatment center and I don't have anything I'm homeless

carless jobless and they tell me to go down the hall and pick out clothes that might fit you know

and that's how that's that's me managing my life okay and none of that really scared me I mean it

was uncomfortable um you know some violence some you know bad situations and um and that is the

early 80s and I was in treatment for about nine months and I've written my mom letters and she

has some of those letters and I can tell I had that spiritual experience that little awakening

I mean you can see it in my words you know and and I had something and I got out of treatment

I actually graduated finally I completed something right I've never completed anything in my life and

I completed and I got this little reward coin for completing and my plan was to go back to Tulsa

live in this halfway house and stay sober and you know get a job get a car you know and be a

real person you know kind of what I expect I think people expect of me that's my plan that's what I

want to do and within a week or two you know I'm bringing boys home that I'm not supposed to be

having them in my room I'm drinking I'm sneaking I'm you know and I'm kicked out of the house now

and I'm back on the streets doing what I do and and I say that is because I had something I had

something something changed in my heart but I didn't continue growing it I didn't continue

that spiritual awakening I didn't continue practicing principles to enlarge that spiritual

life okay and I tried for several years well maybe two in and out of the program you know come to the

and I'd go to different groups around town and I'd have different sobriety dates at different groups

I'd write them in my big book and then you know after you scratch so many out it's like toss it out

the window get you another book you know it got disgusting to try to do this program I'd go to one

of the big groups in Tulsa and from Joe and Charlie the second Joe that was his home group I mean it

was a good home group I mean it's a solid three legacy group you know they practice all the steps

traditions concepts and I couldn't get sober there they would meet in the big room and then tell

everybody to go to the the smaller rooms the breakout rooms for different meetings I never

could decide where I fit you know I would get so frustrated because I wasn't sure where the cool

people were supposed to go and where I should go and I'd end up leaving I wouldn't even stay for

the meeting because I couldn't figure it out you know I never ask anyone you know nothing like that

I just left you know and so that was my taste of me trying to do AA on my own you know it's I tried

to do a force well I did a four step I don't poor lady just listened to me ramble you know about how

horrible everybody was to me um and so I thought I had worked AA you know and I'd hear people say

well pray in the morning you won't drink my god I can I can get down on my knees that day and pray

that I won't drink and I'm out drunk and I don't want to be drunk and I'm drunk I'm in the bar

again I'm running the deal I'm doing my I'm doing what I do um so that was like 81 I know I was in

treatment in 81 because we got out of out of class one day to watch princess Diana get married and if

you look it up that was in 81 so I know 81 I was in treatment okay so and then I am um married a

couple more times a lot of just it's just a big tangle all of that and near the end I had been

married a couple more times and I was fired from a beer only job where it was so easy I mean we

flew kites in the back parking lot I mean this is you know maybe five customers it's an easy job

I got fired from there I mean all I have to do is you know show up you know and I can't handle that

and I am I can't figure out what to do now you know I tried to enroll in school that didn't work

I took the money got an apartment now I don't have any more money because I drink my money

I drink my tip money I can't ever get I can't ever get enough up to for the rent and um I did

look this up too and in 1980 93 there's a huge tornado that came through Tulsa tore up a couple

truck stops and I um I actually had a little shoeshine booth out at one of those truck stops

and one of the tornadoes came within a quarter mile of the apartment I was living in and I stood

outside on the balcony and just watched it you know you can hear it you can hear the braking you

can hear the trees popping I don't want to hide you know please take me I don't know how to do

this I don't know how to get out of life but I don't know how to stay in life right and that's um

93 and my spreading dates 98 so after that and I'm still here you know everybody's down in the

parking lot and you can still hear the panes of glass breaking you know that are loose and falling

and I just go go get my bottle and lay back down in my bed well actually I had my bed kind of tipped

up and I was hiding in it I live alone and I'm hiding in my my little apartment um but it's like

I can't even do this right you know so I um I got out of that I made a geographic I found another guy

that I had known and moved to Kansas City okay and that is going to be my cure he doesn't really

drink and he doesn't mind if I drink and he drives all the time so I'm okay I'm not driving now so

that should solve a big problem I have somebody that doesn't care about the way I drink they'll

take care of me they love me you know I'm okay right problem solved got it I move up there and

I'm terribly unhappy I get a little job um actually he gets me the job and you know I'm

living I'm staying in the basement part of this house that is not finished and that's where I

drink all night I drink down there all by myself you know um there's a nice little house up top

but I'm staying in this wet dank basement and that's where I drink um ended up being in a big

um so that I'm not sure about those five years okay but 97 in 97 my boss that I worked for he's

like Deb you need insurance I'm like that'd be great so he got me this little insurance policy

this is the first time I've had insurance since I'd left home I haven't been I had an appendicitis

one time but I haven't been to the doctor I mean I don't do those things so um he got me insurance

okay and about a month later the guy that drives all the time we've been out at a big party and

it's about 4 a.m and we're coming home and another drunk driver comes on the wrong way on a big

highway four lanes overpass and none of the cars can get out of the way so we hit them head on and

my my driver was um knocked out passed out in my lap and I'm I have a scar from like here to here

healed up really nice but um I'm in that car and I can't get out because you know when the firemen

come you know I'm flirting with the fireman I've got the guy passed out conked out in my lap

I'm bleeding you know bleeding from and I'm flirting you know it's just I I have no sense

of reality okay so but that wreck garnished me a whole bunch of money just because I was hurt you

know and anyway I got you know six figures more money than this girl had ever had okay so now I

have insurance and I have the money so I move away from the him I buy a little house get a little dog

I put a big eight foot stockade fence around it so that I can do whatever I want in the backyard

I I've arrived I have everything okay it should all work now you know but I'm I'm now I'm having

to go to the bar to find somebody to be happy with because I'm not happy by myself I'm not complete by

myself I have nothing you know um my mom would send me these little Norman Vincent Peale things

positive thinking things and it's like that sounds really great and that I can be happy

I can't stay there I can't stay you know I can't ever get there um so my drinking is come it's um

people are trying to take me home now to keep me from driving because I'm too drunk and um you know

I end up going to the doctor because I had something on my ear they did some blood work

and they told me I had hepatitis c okay and those words I could not say back then okay they told me

that in October and I couldn't say them until January I feel like that was the most horrible

nasty thing that could have ever happened to me that's what hit me okay um I felt like I was

contagious dirty and that if I did sleep with somebody else I'd give them this disease and then

they'd come back and kill me so it wasn't any noble cause I was trying not to spread it I just

felt I felt completely repulsive you know and this is somebody that's worked you know I've on the

barter system all my life to get my you know my home my my drugs my drinks my whatever I need my

clothes and now that's gone I'm now hopeless I'm now helpless I can't do anything else and for me

that's what what did it and I'd just gotten that insurance you know so I I have a doctor and the

doctor sent me to a specialist and I went to the specialist and I can't say these words and that

doctor said the nurse says you know why are you here and I said well that other doctor sent me

and she's like well no I understand that but why are you here so I burst out into tears and I ran

out of the room and ran home so um I couldn't say it I could not say that you know and the um this

doctor I mean he's a specialist he's the one that's got the good stuff for the eight hepatitis C

in 97 you know he's the guy calls me at home that night you know some tramp drunk he takes the time

out of his day to call and go would you please come back okay and so I go in and I get back in

the room you know when the nurse says okay he'll be in here in a minute and she lays the chart down

and I you know being the nosy person I open it up to see what they're saying about me right and in

big red letters it says do not ask patient why she's here so but that doctor he told me that I

would have to stop drinking in order to get on these experimental drugs and I can still be in

that office today with those long skinny blinds and looking outside at that park area and I told

him I can't it was the first time I'd admitted to him or to myself that I could not actually stop

and he's and he put his hand on my shoulder he's like yeah you can and he sent me to a psychologist

and she talked to me and remember the long stringy hair with a big puffy coat and she wouldn't even

turn on the lights for me it was a very dark room and I could just kind of barely talk to her

and she sent me to church and I went to church and they told me to come to a singles barbecue

afterwards and I'm scared because I sleep with everybody I meet I can't go to that now I can't

go back to church either you know I go back church is not for me and she's like you know what I know

you're not an alcoholic why don't you go to AA it's this large group of people that are not drinking

and you're trying not to drink too aren't you yeah that's what I'm trying to do you know and and I

went and I didn't ask for anything I didn't tell you I was new you probably knew because I've you

know have a big ugly coat that has a big bleach spot on it and um you know but I came and I just

quit smoking too actually I was so sick I couldn't hardly drink anything but water if it wasn't too

cold and I would nibble on a baked potato I just bake it in the microwave and just nibble on it

that that's what I was doing and I quit smoking because it was making me sick and I go to this

big room okay big for Tulsa or for Kansas City there's maybe 80 to 100 people in there and the

tables are all set up in a big circle and they said okay and everybody that's a non-smoker go

in there it was this little bitty room with old men that carry their books you know and these

old people and all the fun people out there laughing and playing you know they were all

out there I had just quit smoking I have to go in that other stupid room you know I'm I'm appalled

and I I go okay this is a person that you take away lose my driver's license not a problem I have

to not have a car to not drive it doesn't occur to me not to drive I mean I'm defiant and now

I actually walk into this other room and that's where I sat my um I couldn't hardly introduce

myself they worked me up they they made a little card for me that says I'm Debbie I'm an alcoholic

I'm grateful to be here and I pass and then I would hold my breath to make sure that they would

pass and not call say anything else to me and they would move on I mean just total fear sweaty palms

you know horrible and now listen to me chat y'all are gonna have to tie me and shut me up right but

um that's who came in you know I couldn't talk I couldn't um I didn't catch on to the meetings

you know on like Tuesday nights a big book study every Tuesday night and this guy chairs every

Tuesday night you know Thursday nights it's 12 and 12 study I had it took me several months to

realize what book to take because it was Tuesday night it was a big book study I couldn't tie those

things together um I didn't know the Lord's Prayer when I came in and they say it up there you know

that's what they closed the meeting with and they're like you know who wants to take us out

and they all say some kind of crappy little start I don't know what I'm supposed to say I don't even

know this prayer that you want me to ask it's like oh god don't call on me don't call on me right and

so they um I couldn't hardly read the big book my sponsor had me read step one out of the 12 and 12

every night which I thought was just unreal I don't know if you guys have seen it it's almost

three pages every night they want me to try to read this I mean I could hardly read right so

she wrote down the third step prayer and a note card for me and I was to get on my knees at night

say my little prayer say thanks for the day and then in the morning get on my knees and say please

right I live alone with a one-eyed blind dog her name was muffin she was very cute and um I am

embarrassed to get on my knees okay I get down on my knees my fingernails are in my my palms because

I am so pissed off that I am having to do this it is so embarrassing so beneath me I don't even

know about this god thing and I go read my little card and I stare up at the corners of the ceiling

nothing nothing was there this is so embarrassing right you guys are just making a fool of me making

me get down here and nothing's happening nothing you know I'd wake up in the morning and I we had

little alarm clocks that had red digits on them and I'd look over at the little red digits and

it'd say 449 and then the third edition that acceptance page is which was always talked about

was on page 449 and I'd look over at that clock and I'd go cute god so the very same thing I

couldn't find at night I'm chatting with in the morning I mean it's just those little things I

believe something was doing that you know um I was scared to not pray because finally it was kind of

working I wasn't drinking I wasn't obsessed I mean I took a different route home so I didn't go past

the bars that I usually stop at I would drive past my sponsor's house so that my heart would

go a little bit slower and then I would go sit at the clubhouse the clubhouse parking lot until the

meeting opened because I didn't know what to do I had no how but no hobbies no I didn't do anything

I drank you know neon light here I come um and so I had to retrain all of that I had a little

posting note on my dashboard that said ptl for patience tolerance and love because I am

such a tangle of knots that even if if the light turns red and you didn't speed on through I'm

pissed if the light turns green and you're not going yet I'm pissed I mean I just want to ram

you because I am so angry I had I'm I've got no buffer right so I had ptl patience tolerance and

love patience tolerance and love and that's how I go to the clubhouse right I mean fingernails just

oh anger and um somebody got in my car one day and they were like ptl oh praise the lord I'm like oh

no no you know not that um but one of those days I I realized that I'm not driving home with my

fingernails clenched I'm not just you know barely hanging on to get to the meeting um the the steps

that I took I took that fourth step and I told rebecca she was one of those gals that when she

came in the club everybody go you know their voice goes up just a little bit because they're so happy

to see her and I was like oh my gosh you know and so when I did my fourth step with her and she'd

tell me other little things like yeah I came around from the bar and I kicked that guy in

the chin I'm like you were in a bar you know because she cleaned up so much the lady that

came in no you couldn't see her anymore you know and that's what started to happen to me is that

person that came in full of fear and anger and this isn't for me you know not believing this whole um

god is you understanding I don't know much about god but I was pretty sure that isn't anything that

I'd ever heard and I thought I'd probably the lightning bolts would come get us or something

but you know I'm I'm game my my thing ain't working so I'll try yours but thank goodness

you didn't make me define my god you know and thank goodness that I don't have to like keep him

in a little box once I get it you know this can grow it's that energy that source that connectedness

that oneness that all of us can feel and um you know it's that heart that heart it touches my

heart you know the um promises that they use night step promises they would read those at the end of

the meeting and people go and I thought they were so sad I thought it was really sad that people

would actually hope for that I mean there's nothing tangible in them you know it doesn't

say that my bank account's going to be full it doesn't say that my bills are going to go away

it doesn't say that I'm going to have this cool groovy job it says you know um the release they'll

disappear you know the problems are removed that financial insecurity it just it's it's separated

you know and it's not something that I work for but it's something that just happens you know

somewhere between the bedevilments on 52 and the promises up there on 83 ish somebody's had a

transformation here because I'm no longer you know angry my my personal relationships are going a

little bit smoother you know the um I'm getting responsible you know if I say I'm going to be

there I'm actually there and I intend to be there it's not just say yeah I'll be there you know I

will or I want who cares you know but but I that's a commitment you know and I and I keep those

commitments the very best I can anymore um so I guess I'm finding up so my life in sobriety I

thought it would look like this I thought when I came in and I got sober and I got my first year

you know and I get to go give somebody or not give but see her get her one year chip tomorrow

which will be so much fun she's actually in here um you know I didn't plan on staying you know and

now it's this life that I wouldn't have dreamed that I would have wanted and I'm a person that I

wouldn't have dreamed that I would have cared anything about knowing and I'm actually happier

than I've ever been it's like how the hell has that happened you know um you know I didn't have

any kind of career thoughts I didn't have any of that kind of stuff in me I don't have that um I

had a friend that got me a job that ended up I'm good at I have a talent I didn't go to school you

know I graduated high school barely um but it ended up that I'm good at that stuff you know I

can slice and dice the spreadsheet and analyze stuff and I they worked you know and um and I

showed up and I continued to try to give you my best as part of those amends for all those employers

I just kind of you know I sucked you know um you know I I try to give back you know in any

situation that I'm in nowadays whether it's in my community in my neighborhood you know um I'm the

person that they used to have to call the police on I would kick your windows out in the apartment

complex if you pissed me off you know and now my neighbor um has a three-year-old little boy his

birthday's on the same day and I go watch him in the morning sometimes she's a nurse and he's a

fireman emt you know and sometimes their shifts don't they overlap they trust me to go in their

home and watch their child you know that is not the person that came here you know um you know

and it's they say it's it it's a simple program but it's not easy you know and it says several

times in there these are painstaking steps you know and vigorous action and strenuous

I'm gonna have to try really hard to change what my natural normal way is and the more I do that

the more often it's more smooth the relationships the contact that I have with other humans is more

harmonious you know and when I do have that discomfort that disease you know in my heart

it's what am I doing you know where is it that I'm trying to be self-seeking you know what am I

trying to get out of this am I trying to get your perception to change with me am I trying to get

you to think something more of me than what what I deserve you know um what am I trying to do because

if it's you know that chalk on what is it fingernails on a chalkboard there's something

going on in me you know otherwise I'd just be watching you be uncomfortable but if I'm

uncomfortable there's something in here you know um I'm not real good at doing a nightly inventory

but I try to look at myself every day um I do it as rads just on the top of the paper for

because I thought it sounded cool you know I put r-a-d-s and that's for um resentful afraid

dishonest and selfish I just try to look and see where was their uncomfortableness in my in my day

in my environment in my um interactions with humans you know um and it's maybe it's not that I did

anything wrong but what could I have done better you know what could I have done a little bit

different how could I have been kind instead of came in with more of a defense you know because

I know you're getting ready to get after me so I'll just come in just a little bit harder so I'm

ready to take it why can't I come in soft you know if I've um if I've gotten right with my higher

power and I know I'm doing my best to do what I believe he would have me do today you can say

whatever you would like to about me I can consider it and I can listen but it doesn't make me that

person it doesn't make me that that thought and that is such a huge thing from a person that came

in with no opinion whatsoever you know one of the counselors said that's your opinion I'm like oh my

god I got an opinion I was so excited to have my first opinion but um you know it's you know I live

in a house now that has everything that is in it has some kind of attachment to heart in it you know

it's um you know I've got words above all my windows that say you know believe serenity harmony

gratitude you know it's I still want those reminders just like that first posting note on my

little my truck you know I still need those reminders that I don't have to be kind I don't

need to protect anything you know um you know I've done a lot of my amends I had to do and I'll talk

about this for just a second I had to make amends to somebody that had done something to me when I

was a child and it was because of the way I had used the character assassination with them so much

and and this is for everybody that has to do this in all these situations it's not a you do this

that it's a prayer and discussion and guidance through sponsorship and and somebody else that's

worked through it but I was able to go to that person and say and tell them that you know I made

it bigger than and longer than it was and it was crueler and then like he had brought his new wife

back to the family for Christmas and I was cruel to that woman I tormented her I booby trapped her

little stuff you know I was mean and I let and they've since divorced but I let him know that

I was sorry that I did that and I didn't provide a welcoming environment thank you and um and he

broke down crying he had felt like my alcoholism and my lifestyle and everything that I had done

was his fault you know and um and that relationship was able to heal you know so that when I go into

a family event I don't worry if they're going to be there he is or isn't you know and if I can walk

through all my life like that where if I see anybody out of my past I can either reconcile it

you know or or clean up my sight make amends for the harm that I've done whatever I've taken

you know I can stand tall in that I don't have to be proud of what I did but I can be proud of what

I am trying to do through this program and through you know through my higher power um it's it's fun

to be able to read all these different books you know and with and I would have said I had a really

good program you know before all this pandemic and all the changes went on you know and I've

ended up having to change we're getting to change sponsors um because of changes you know and I it

was hard but there's been so much growth you know and um and being able to stay more open-minded

I've been able to read different books that I normally wouldn't have read opinions that I

don't know that I really always agree with and I can read them with an open mind and consider it

might be true because any new idea that wasn't mine I thought it had to mean that I was wrong

and just because it's different doesn't mean I'm wrong it's just different you know and that that

to me is such a freedom um I know the the 11th step says that you know sought through prayer

meditation to improve our conscious contact um and seeking the knowledge of his will for me and the

power to carry that out that's my prayer you know because I can't I still get tangled up I don't

have no note cards anymore but I can still get really tangled up in prayer you know trying to

decide what you need what they need you know well God bless them you know well God don't why why

why don't I just need him to watch them why can't I have him watch everybody and so if I just see I

can get tangled up quick if I just pray that that you have the knowledge of God's will and the power

to carry that out wouldn't it be great I mean if we could all get that little connection and actually

have the power to complete that you know or at least practice it or walk in that direction you

know change our sails just a little bit and move towards that I think that would be better for you

than anything that I could dream up for you so um I'm done I've really enjoyed being able to share

I don't tell my story very often so I appreciate you guys staying engaged with me and I can see

highs and people and I really appreciate y'all all right thank you