From Childhood Trauma to 28 Years Sober: Mary’s Journey

(indistinct)

- All right.

Hi guys.

My name is Mary Cleo and I am an alcoholic.

Hi, hi guys.

Hi Zoomers.

Thank you for being the...

I needed, you have no idea, I needed to hear that.

And, and that's what we do.

You know, yeah.

What it was like, you know,

I was 24 when I got sober.

I just turned 28 years sober this past January.

But when I came into the rooms,

I'll just jump right to it.

You know, I was 24 when I came into the rooms

and I was a very angry, full of rage person.

You know, my childhood was an absolute nightmare.

And without going into details,

I know we're all pretty smart and config, you know,

some of it anyway.

A lot of horrible things had happened.

And I was the oldest daughter, you know, Latin community,

Latin family, sorry, Latin community.

And I helped raise my brothers and sisters

and that was a lot of work.

I was like their little mom, you know.

My mom used to still,

I'm sure there's definitely ladies in here

that remember those pink curl things.

And the big round ones.

With my little robe and all I needed was a cigarette

and vacuuming and cleaning, changing diapers and whatnot.

And I grew up.

And yeah, so my mom,

I grew up with someone who was bipolar, borderline,

and she was out of the mind.

And grew up with a lot of abuse, physical, mental,

the whole thing.

And boyfriends in and out and those unfortunate things.

And so, yeah, so I'm a diehard alcoholic

at the same time, a garden variety alcoholic, you know.

I had moved to this little town up north.

Some of you might know it,

but it's just past Santa Barbara.

Like those little towns,

Yultin and Santa Ynez and Los Olivas.

So I lived in Los Olivas and I worked at a restaurant

and that little town, 'cause there's, you know,

Santa Ynez and all these really cute places.

And, you know, I was 86 out of all of them, you know,

and it's not a big town.

And oh, Solvang, you know, I was, I was, yeah, I was 80s.

I was that obnoxious, drunk,

playing pool with very tall cowboys

and accusing them of cheating

and trying to hurt them with the Q stick.

I don't want to get graphic, but I lost, you know.

There's video of me actually slamming myself

with the Q stick instead of them.

And, but that was how I drank, you know.

Either somebody told me what happened,

but I saw it another way.

You know, I picked that guy's ass and, can we cuss?

No, OCD.

Okay, so I'm not going to cuss, but that's why I asked.

But anyway, but that was me, you know, I was a town drunk.

Me and this guy named Randy Roberts,

he was a little older than me.

I was very young still, I was like 19

and he was in his thirties and we were both drunks.

He had a 10 speed and I had a little old school moped

that had a little basket in front of it.

And, you know, we passed by each other, like, you know,

nice words like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And, and, you know, we, it was just sad, you know.

And my friend, Felicia, you know,

she saw me going like this real quick.

And, you know, my hair used to be super long

and like I said, you know, let's leave, this is not that big

but she would always get these phone calls.

Hey, Felicia, I don't know if you want to come,

but MC's in my backyard again.

She says she's picking roses, but she's in the roses

and, you know, thorns and blah, blah, blah.

And, and I had gained so much weight.

So I'm like walking through the neighborhood

and through the houses.

So then pretty soon I got the nickname Sasquatch.

And, and, you know, hey, I saw MC, you're Bigfoot sighting.

And, and that was very sad, but that, who I was, you know,

I also became very promiscuous.

And at a very early age, I knew that I was gay.

Just kidding.

And, and I had a hard time with that.

Cause you know, my mom, how we grew up, we were,

my mom was changing, like I said,

she was bipolar, bipolar borderline.

So we were changing religion all the time.

But every God that we moved on to was a hateful God,

you know, you're going to burn in hell.

I mean, for everything, you break shells

in the scrambled eggs, you're going to hell.

And, and so, you know,

we were Jehovah witnesses for one day, bless me.

And we literally went and knocked on doors.

And my mom said, this is not for us.

We were hardcore Christians and nothing wrong by the way,

with any of these,

but it was just my interpretation at the time

as a young kid, a teenager.

And, and so, you know,

I had already pushed God out when I was pretty much like 10

or 11, when things were happening at such a young age.

And I lost myself even at a young age, I love it.

I literally had a mental breakdown and,

and things came out that my mom didn't know.

And the mother that I had was so, is, no it was,

very narcissistic.

And it was a confession.

Like I need help, you know, help me.

And her first words were, well, what did you do?

You know, and I'm 11.

So I I've been going to therapy since I was a little kid,

you know, my father left in 1978.

I was eight years old and you know, it was sad, you know,

'cause then I was left with, we were left with my mother.

So I started drinking around 11, you know,

and it wasn't like I took a drink and I was like, oh my God,

this is what I've been looking for.

I'm 11, I don't know what's,

I just know that it feels great.

I'm not thinking about the things that have happened.

And, and I continued that,

continued that until I was almost 24, just about.

Yeah, something like that.

And you know, I hated everything.

I hated people, my own family is screwed up.

And why would I trust a total stranger?

You know, you can say to me, hey MC, I love you,

or Mary crew, but I didn't believe it.

And I just didn't believe in people.

You know, like I said, I gave up, you know,

and like I said, I was a garden variety drunk.

I drove a motorcycle.

I was going five miles an hour once

and I was going to kill myself.

And, and here, I thought I was going like 50

and there was a brick wall at the end of the street.

And I'm just like, to me, it looked like this,

but in actuality, I was like,

and I guess my friend was following me

and I remember just tapping the wall

and he got out and like, what are you doing?

Trying to kill myself.

And he's like, you're going like 10 miles an hour.

So I wasn't very good at that, but so that's my,

I mean, that's what I did, you know, to escape.

I did excel in high school, thank God,

because it got me out of the house.

So I joined sports because I didn't want to go home ever,

you know, so thank God for that.

I did graduate by the skin of my teeth.

I had a stuttering problem.

I was dyslexic.

I mean, there was a multiple things, you know,

especially what was going on in my home life.

So I'm just going to fast forward and here I am.

I called my best friend.

It was actually the day that OJ Simpson was on the,

four or five or no, yeah.

And I got fired and I remember I was,

I've never gotten fired and I've worked

since a very young age.

And so I told my friends, hey, you guys, I just got fired.

And then I changed it to, they let me go because I'm young

and I need to be around people that are more my age.

And they're like, MC, shut up, look at the TV.

And it's OJ Simpson on the freeway.

And I'm like, you guys, this is really sad.

You know, now I have been sober.

I woke up one morning on January 20 or the 19th of January

and 24 years ago, 28 years ago, and it was pretty bad.

You know, I woke up and I looked in the mirror.

It was like 220 pounds.

My face was yellow, puffy.

I didn't look too good, you know,

but something, I had this much hope, you know,

and I looked around where I lived.

I had this little house and it was a nightmare.

You know, I had beer bong spilled, just food.

I mean, I don't mean to sound so gross,

but that's how I was living with maggots in the sink.

Oh, it was so bad, you know, throw up.

And that was my life, you know, at that age.

And I had this much hope.

And so I told my boss that my mom had a heart attack,

which was not good because she ended up getting sick

a year later, but it's funny now.

But I had to lie so I can go and stay in my little house

so I can sober up.

And now a long time ago, I didn't have a phone or pager,

computer, you know, I didn't have those things.

I just thought you quit and that's it.

So, and there you go with self-will.

But I locked myself up, not that I couldn't get out,

I could, but I got rid of all the alcohol

and I stayed there.

And on the third day, I mean, I remember just,

I'm sure I had DTs 'cause I was drinking hard liquor

for the last two years and I felt like I was dying.

You know, I was scratching my skin.

When they say fetal position,

I literally was in fetal position,

just scratching and shaking.

And so on the third day, my friend Felicia kind of barges in

and she's this six, five tall skinny girl from Santa Barbara,

lot older than me.

She's like, "Where the heck have you been?

Where the heck have you been?"

And I'm sitting there and I'm just like, "Oh God."

She's like, "What are you doing?"

And I'm like, "I'm not drinking.

That's all I can muster up."

She's like, "Oh my God, it smells in here."

And she just looked at me and she's like,

"Do you know you can die from just quitting cold turkey

without getting some help?"

And of course I didn't, you know, it's not like I went,

"Oh, I totally forgot to look it up."

You know, so it was sad for her to see me in that condition.

But at the same time, you know, she said something to me

that was so profound at the time.

And I share about this every time is that,

she looked at me and she said,

"When are you gonna get out of the way of you?"

And I remember just like, "What? Wait, what?"

You know, like that doesn't make any sense to me.

Now it does, 28 years later, you know, during the time.

And so she says, "You need help."

And then the fifth day came,

I was feeling a little better and I called AA.

Now again, this is a small town and I'm a people pleaser.

I also qualify for Al-Anon.

And so she came to my little house

and I looked out the window.

Now I'm telling you back there, I had Wranglers,

cowboy boots on, those weird shirts

I would never wear anymore.

And you know, I'm all cowgirl down.

And I see this bug that has daisies and flowers

and the peace sign all painted, this old, you know,

old school bug.

And then she gets out and I'm like,

"Oh my God, what a great dog."

You know, she gets out and looks like Stevie Nicks.

She has, she's like twirling in the wind

and I'm like, "Oh my God, what did I do?"

And so she's knocking, I'm like, "No, bro."

So I do, and she's like, "You ready?"

You know, I'm like, "Yeah, okay."

So we go to Solvang for this AA meeting, walk in,

and there's this guy named Guy.

And her, me, that was my very first AA meeting.

And I remember sitting there, they pass things like,

you know, how it works and this and that.

And I said, "I don't know how to read."

And I pushed it away.

And I'm sitting there going, "This is lame, this is AA."

Like I saw afterschool specials when I was little.

Like this is weird.

And anyway, that was my first day.

I never went back.

I was a dry alcoholic, you know, that self will again.

And anyway, I moved to LA the day that OJ Simpson was caught

or whatever the next day.

And I came into Alcoholics Anonymous.

My, I went to 43, 43 Radford.

That was like, it's one of the oldest,

or was at that place, the oldest meeting in California.

And I was fortunate to be there

and meet the people that I did.

Now I didn't go in like, "Oh, thank God I made it here.

And there's more people."

And these are my, did you give me a call?

- Oh, no, sorry.

- Okay, all right. - You're good.

- Okay, thanks.

And so here I am, I'm in the car with my friend David.

He's like, "We're going to a real."

He's my roommate and he's got four and a half years sober.

And he's like, "Hey, you know, we're going to a big meeting.

Like what's a big meeting?"

Like about a hundred or so.

And I'm like, "Oh."

And so I'm in the car where he's driving

and my heart is like pounding, my knees.

I feel like I'm having a stroke, you know?

So it's quiet and I turned to him, I said,

"David, do they know I'm coming?"

And he looked at me, he just keeps looking at me.

He goes, "No, dude, that's not how it works."

There's no president, we didn't call, you know?

People aren't going to turn around and say,

"Oh, you're here."

But they're going to be happy to see you, you know,

because you're new.

And because that's how much I didn't know about AA

and just that tiny little meeting and solving.

So I get to this meeting, he wants me to sit up front.

I said, "No way, heck no."

And so this is me, the new version.

But back then I was like this, you know, in the back row,

don't come near me.

If I saw feet coming, I would look up,

like I'm going to hurt you.

And they would, "Hey, it's all good."

You know, and I didn't understand.

I hadn't even come out yet until I got a year sober,

you know, and that was hard, you know?

But I saw like, oh my God, they're together.

They're holding hands and I'm like, oh, it's LA.

This is a bigger place.

And it seems like, oh, maybe it's okay to come out.

So, but it didn't happen until after a year.

And, but that was me in the back.

My friend David said,

"Hey, they're going to give you numbers, you know,

try to call them."

So all these women were coming up to me,

giving me their number.

And so I go back, I say, "Hey, well, I go to my room."

I'm like, "Oh my God, I should've come to LA sooner."

(laughing)

And they're like, "Oh my God, I'll be sober."

And I'm like, "Thanks, Dawn, there is a higher power."

And okay, so that didn't, that went south.

You know, my roommate explained it to me.

And I'm like, "Oh yeah, of course, yeah."

So a year later, I had finally come out

and I sat my roommate down and with my best friend,

she's actually the one that got me to move out here.

I said, "You guys, I got to tell you something, I'm gay."

And they're like, "Dude, it's about time."

And I'm like, "Thanks for not telling me."

But anyway, I was an angry person in AA.

I didn't, I threw chairs.

Somebody moved my keys from my chair once

and it was this guy.

He was just as nuts as I was.

And we're cursing at each other, bad things, you know?

And it was not good, you know?

And I would, like I said, I would throw chairs.

I would get up and walk out.

I was very dramatic.

I had no idea what a drama queen was until I moved to LA.

My roommate would say, "Oh my God, you're such a drama queen."

And I'm like, "Mean," you know?

But I was, I was in everybody else's business

and was not working on myself.

And I did not get it.

I got sponsors to say I got a sponsor,

but as soon as they said, "Okay, well, I want you to do this."

And I'm like, "Yeah, here's the thing."

You know, I didn't go to college for a reason.

And I'm not gonna write or read or do any of that stuff.

I'm just gonna come here and hang out with y'all.

And I spent a lot of time in sobriety,

which I call physical because I was physically sober,

but not spiritually sober.

And I was absolutely miserable.

And also in that time, I'm bulimic since I was 11.

So I kept that up and that was a secret on the side and,

which I'm coming up on seven years of accidents,

but it took me that long.

So yeah, and I don't wanna do the steps.

I'm miserable, I'm thinking of ways how to jump off our roof

and my mind, ah, dude, I'm gonna land on this car

and maybe I'll break the leg and that's it, you know?

Because even in sobriety, I wanted to die, you know?

And the answers were right there, you know, in front of me,

get a sponsor, work the staff.

I was a service, but it only lasted so long.

If you're not, if you're doing like one thing in AA,

that's not gonna help you stay sober.

It's just, isn't it?

You know, everything has to come hand in hand.

My friend used to tell me, if you're stuck on an island,

but you got the big book, I won't stay sober.

I need y'all, I need commitments, I need sponsees,

I need my sponsor.

This is how it works.

You know, I've stayed sober.

Thank God I went into treatment for my eating disorder

almost seven years ago, but it's all come to hit.

I'm so grateful I didn't go out, you know?

Believing in God was the hardest thing for me

to believe again.

And I have a strong, higher power.

And I call, it's a he.

He thinks that I'm hilarious, you know?

He just laughs at me all day long, you know?

Especially my thoughts.

And, you know, I have an amazing sponsor

and I can say her name, Jeannie Rab.

And she's got like 36 years and she met,

she saw me come in.

She had like eight years, I think,

or something like that when I came in.

And she saw me grow up in these rooms, you know?

She saw me angry, she saw me sad, all those things.

And, you know, I got married in alcoholic synonymous,

legally in Hawaii.

I have two boys who are 16 and 12 now.

And they are the loves of my life.

But I get to, I get to get up every morning and go to work.

I get to, and I get to go or show up, you know,

at a meeting, you know what I mean?

I'm not doing anything.

If I had a prior commitment, I would say that.

Am I sick?

No, you know, I show up, period, you know?

And it's really hot in here.

Just wanna let you guys know that.

(audience laughing)

Oh my God.

That's menopause.

(audience laughing)

No, but really.

So, so, you know, where was I?

- What did I say?

- My boys, you know, I get to,

I get to help raise these boys, you know?

They're amazing kids.

And guess what?

I didn't repeat the cycle, you know?

They don't know what it's like to be beat or hidden

or shamed or humiliated.

And they never will, not from me, you know?

And my ex partner, she's amazing, you know?

Great mom, we're both great moms.

And they're good kids.

They can come to us and, you know,

hey, this is what's going on, you know?

Plus she's a psychoanalytical doctor.

But we've always been open with them.

That's why they come to us.

They don't hold secrets.

They know they're not going to get beat

if they tell us what's going on, you know?

They're just amazing kids.

And I have an amazing relationship right now in my life.

And, you know, and that's all due to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous got me to the eating disorder place.

You know, maybe if I had gotten abstinent when I got sober,

it wouldn't have worked out.

Just wasn't my path.

And so, you know, I've trudged this.

I've worked, I've done the steps.

I sponsor people, women in the program.

And I love my life.

I love my life, you know?

And like you were sharing that I needed to hear,

I, when I turned, I turned 24 years,

I mean, 28 years sober on the 24th of January.

And on the 22nd of January,

my sister died from this disease.

And I'm from Texas.

And, but she was found in a parking lot,

an emergency room outside.

And there was a little deep freeze.

And she died of hypothermia.

'Cause she didn't, her ego and pride,

they were asking her, please come inside.

It's too cold out there.

And she had sores on her leg.

And then they saw her, whatever.

And, you know, she's lost her kid.

Like, I don't know how many times from CPS, is that right?

Have taken her, her child.

She's lived down the streets.

She's, she was the one, you know, she's five years.

She was 46 when she passed away.

And she was a great person, amazing person.

And I did everything that my sponsor had taught me.

Write her your story, send her a big book.

Instead of keep, instead of you sending her money

constantly, send her a box of food, clothes.

I did those things.

And I did everything, you know,

how you're sharing so that really,

and it's still fresh, you know what I mean?

And so this disease, alcoholism, the other stuff,

it kills, you know, and I know I did everything

that I could to see if she would make it

into the rooms one day.

And she knew about it.

She knew about AA.

She knew my story and it just didn't happen.

You know, only thing that I carry now is that

she's here with me right now and the message.

So anyway, that was a hard blow.

And then two days later, I turned 28 and I went to Texas.

I went to the funeral.

AA showed up, shows up wherever I go.

I was a good daughter to a woman, a mother who I hated,

but I had forgiven her already.

And, you know, again, Alcoholics Anonymous

has showed up in my life and it continues to.

And I was there for my younger brothers and sisters.

I didn't break down even though I wanted to.

Pardon me, what?

I'm good?

Okay.

All right.

Don't yell at me again.

(laughing)

But, you know, it was one of those things

where I was on the plane coming home and I'm in my mind,

I'm like, I can't think of anything good

that we did together.

Like funny, it was just blank and I couldn't cry

and I couldn't feel, you know?

And I came back and I saw my sponsor and I said,

Jeannie, I can't cry.

I don't, there's nothing that, you know,

I can't even think of something good.

And she said, Mary Cleo, I've known you

since you walked into these rooms

and your sister has been on the run

and you have cried so many tears for decades now

that maybe you're just out of tears, you know?

And when she said that, it made so much sense.

So I've been able to grieve her

in the way that I'm grieving her

by sharing her story with y'all.

And that's why it's like, thank you so much

for sharing your story and Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, I don't wanna be the people

that get so much time, double, you know,

20, 30 or whatever years.

And one day they say, I'm good.

I don't need it anymore.

You know, I'm well, you know.

And my sponsor says, that's a scary point

because they've forgotten.

The reason they got all that time

is because they were doing the work in Alcoholics Anonymous

by giving it away, you know, helping another alcoholic.

And then pretty soon it's like,

like there's a story in the big book, you know,

they kick off the shoes and they're drinking, you know,

and they die five years later from alcoholism.

And it scares me, but in a good way where I stay grounded.

You know, I owe Alcoholics Anonymous my life.

You know, the pillars that would hug me

and I didn't wanna be hugged.

You know, the ones that said, my friend Michael,

hey, has anybody told you that they loved you today?

And I'm like, no, why would they?

No, that's a stupid question.

And he's like, I love you.

And then it's like, oh my God, I'm gonna break down crying.

Oh my God, thank you.

You know, old school Maurice Stenner

that used to disrupt my, I don't know if anybody touched me,

but this lady was magic.

And she said, sweetie, it's gonna be okay.

You know, and I didn't believe her,

but the thought of somebody saying that to me was so huge.

And so, yeah, I've grown up in these rooms.

I'm gonna be 52 next month.

And I'm not okay with that.

(laughing)

But I, you know, I love my life.

You know, the day that I actually committed myself,

and this is years after, trust me, you know, to step on,

you know, was the biggest step, you know, surrendering.

You know, my life has become unmanageable.

You know, it's crazy where I was able

to actually have open eyes and ears to hear the message,

you know, 'cause I thought I could just float, you know,

and I'm watching everybody else go out.

And believe me, I've been to a lot of funerals

and I thought we would be doing this path together.

Why did he go out and die?

And I haven't gone out and I'm doing less

of what I thought he, I mean,

he was doing or she was doing.

And, you know, and that's why I'm still here.

You know, I'm here, you know,

because I need you guys so much and I don't know you,

but like I needed to be here tonight.

So thank you, Scott.

I needed to hear your story, you know?

And, you know, when I got to the step three,

that was hard, you know, you know,

came to believe that, you know, all that stuff.

And I really had to dig deep with that

because I knew that if I couldn't follow through

with step three, there's no way I was gonna be honest

in my four step, there is no way.

I'm not putting down things that I really thought

I was gonna take to the grave with me.

So I dug deep and I wrote, I did my four step

and I did my fifth step with my sponsor.

And I remember she gave me a marker and she says,

I'm reading it to her when I was a kid.

And then this happened, this was my part.

She's like, cross that out.

Thank you, sir.

And cross it out, you were a child.

You had nothing to do with any of this stuff.

And then, you know, six and seven were like,

I'm gonna have character defects removed.

Really?

You know, I'm just aware of them now, quicker, faster.

Like, oh yeah, not gonna happen.

Nine step, did my meds and I stay in meditation.

Sometimes I have to do it two or three times a day.

And I carried a message.

Just how everybody did it for me

when I wasn't even willing, you know,

I believe in a God today and I love who I see in the mirror.

That's, well, thank you.

This toilet is full.

(audience laughing)

I hear you.

But anyway, thank you guys for doing a 12 step on me.

There's a lot of people here I don't know,

but I love you guys, man.

Thank you.