Todd's Journey: From Tin Man to 10 Years Sober

- Thank you, Karen, very much.

Thank you for your share.

It's amazing to hear somebody's story

that we've never heard before,

and I really appreciated hearing that.

And Scotty, thank you very much for...

Scott, Scotty.

Hi, Scotty.

How you doing?

- Sit down.

(laughing)

- Thank you very much for asking me to speak tonight.

Hi everybody, my name is Todd.

I am an alcoholic.

I have a sober date of October 7, 2011.

That makes me about 10 years, seven-ish months.

More importantly than that,

I have been sober for 556 Friday nights.

I've been counting my Friday nights since the very beginning.

I got sober on a Friday,

so I just have always counted my Friday nights.

And I mean, I remember coming in new and being like,

"You've been so proud of myself," you know?

And it took me a minute to get sober.

I did not walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

and start doing what I was supposed to do.

I wasn't on the God program, I was on the Todd program.

(laughing)

I'm dumb.

I came in not really knowing anything

about Alcoholics Anonymous,

not even really knowing the word recovery.

You know, like I knew the word sober,

but I didn't really understand recovery in the slightest.

I did not want to get sober.

I came in, they just, they dragged me into,

I mean, I was forced into the last house on the block.

It was either, you know, go with, you know,

go with Satan or walk into the last house on the block.

And I have to tell you, when I first came

into Alcoholics Anonymous, I definitely was suffering

from grave emotional disorders, as it says in the reading.

And I really appreciate what you have to say

about mental illness, because it's definitely something

that a lot of alcoholics and drug addicts have to cope with.

It's maybe one of the reasons why we drink

in the first place.

And it doesn't go away when we drink, you know?

It just kind of magnifies.

And you know, I was a pretty stable guy

until I faced the great tragedy of my life.

And that pushed me over the edge.

And I'll talk about that in just a little minute here,

but let's just talk about when I first took my first drink.

So young, and it's just 14.

I was 12 though, and it was a Halloween party.

And I was dressed up as the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz.

Four of us went, you know, it was a team costume.

And you know, if you know anything about the Tin Man,

I'm in a suit that you can't move.

It's like this, just real, real stiff and real.

And the person who was having the party,

her father had a bar in the house

and she wanted to pour all of us rum and Cokes.

So I said, sure, no, I'll have one, why not?

And I remember drinking the first one

and I really didn't feel anything,

but I drank it like this, just like that.

I should have known, I should have known

because then I put my glass down

and she poured me a second one.

And I put that glass to my mouth

and literally just as I put it to my mouth, oh yeah,

I knew what this was about.

It was like water bubbles.

It was just like bubbles everywhere.

And suddenly that real stiff costume got like,

all of a sudden I could move, you know,

and I was comfortable.

And I was, you know, of course in silver makeup, head to toe

and it was a pool part.

And so I got drunk with my friends

and it was time to go swimming.

And I ripped off that costume.

I want to jump at the pool.

I jumped in that pool.

And as soon as I did all that silver makeup

all over the top of the pool,

I was demoralized from the very first time I drank.

I mean, that story went on and on and on

for the entire year, how I ruined the pool.

Everybody came out with a silver sheet.

So, you know, my drinking was a problem the very first time,

but I certainly, you know, was in for the ride.

And, you know, I too have a lot of drugs in my story.

Marijuana was my best friend.

I was like the president of marijuana as I was in school.

And I always rolled like 10 joints

and put them in my little case and my back pocket.

I had them all day.

And, you know, I drank every chance I got after school.

We didn't go to school very often

because we stayed home and drank

or did drugs or whatever.

I let it take over my life.

I was mostly a good kid.

So I kind of skate by, you know,

I was sort of the kid that if I just showed up,

the teacher would give me a passing grade.

But what it meant was, is I was super sneaky.

I was never honest, you know.

I was always, there was always,

I was always chasing KX, you know.

And I was never really successful in anything that I did.

I was just mildly skating by.

And I did believe in God.

I've always believed in God,

but it wasn't a relationship or a connection

or anything that I had any weight with.

It was just a respect, you know,

out of respect for God because my rabbi said so.

It was somebody else's God.

I didn't ever think that, you know,

I could create a relationship with a higher power

that was suited to, that I was suited just to,

just to kick it with, you know,

just to invite into my life.

So that meant I had no spirituality.

I had no spirituality at all.

And I just went through life joking and getting drunk

and getting high and getting you, getting them.

And, you know, doing anything I could to fit in.

And I do skate by my teens and I do skate by my twenties.

Yeah, sure.

I ended up in the drunk tank a couple of times.

Yes, I took my car over the side of the three-way on a DUI.

Yes, I got in fights with people and relationships ended

because we were all just loaded out of our minds.

I kind of thought that was just normal.

That was just the circle that I was in.

It didn't occur to me that, you know,

normal people stop drinking at a certain point.

You know, they have one or two and then that's it.

I always went to obliteration.

When I was in the bar, they would call last call

and I'd be the first one at that bar and I would order two

because I could certainly drink two in 10 minutes.

So I knew that I liked, well, looking back,

I know that I was an alcoholic.

At the time, I really didn't think that that way.

I just thought that was normal behavior.

That's what everybody did.

Then came my thirties and forties.

And the great tragedy of my life happens at age 41.

And I'll tell you what that was.

And it's the thing that knocked me into alcoholism.

I was in a relationship with somebody for 12 years

and we own a house out here in Lake Balboa.

And this person was a definite alcoholic

and a complete speed demon.

I mean, it was, he was out of his mind.

And of course, I'm the guy that just smokes pot

every 15 minutes, drinks at night,

does my, you know, have my cocaine Thursday shirt.

And, you know, but I wasn't like, I mean,

he was out of his mind with alcoholism and drug addiction.

And I was always judging him.

I was always in judgment of him.

You should stop, anyways,

after a particularly long run of his,

one Sunday, we had a very long argument all Sunday.

And it was one of these arguments where I was winning,

which I never really won our arguments.

You know, I always won, but just all day long,

it was me just winning, you know, the whole time.

And at the very end of the night, about 9.45 that night,

he took me out in our backyard and he put a gun to his head

and he blew his brains out in front of me and he won.

And that's how alcoholics and drug addicts win an argument,

by hurting somebody else,

by coming up with a permanent solution

to a temporary problem that they cannot take back.

And that's exactly what happened.

And he's as far away from me as Peggy is right now.

So I see everything, the light on the gun

and out the side and him, the body going down.

And it's absolute chaos and just agony.

And I flip out and I'm screaming and yelling

and running all through the house.

And I got to tell you, that changed my life.

There was not enough of my solution of drinking and using

to satisfy what that gunshot did to me.

He not only committed suicide himself,

but you know, he killed our relationship.

He killed my home life.

He killed my work life.

He killed my relationships with other people.

Anything that I used to do, I didn't want to do.

I stopped watching television.

I stopped talking on the phone.

Whatever I used to do, I was never going to do again.

Including some of the drugs

and the bigger drinking that came.

You know, I didn't hold back.

It's always been my solution.

I really, I had no God, I had no spirituality to lean on.

What else was I going to lean on but the before me?

So that's what I do and I find the worst drugs ever.

And within a very short amount of time,

I think within like 90 days, I lose about 60 pounds.

I become gravely ill.

Physically, I'm just dwindled.

I have no T cells in my body and I'm just a mental wreck.

You know, worse than the physical was the mental,

was the great emotional disorder that happened to me.

I just couldn't handle talking to anyone

or being with anyone and everyone in my life gave me,

it was funny, you know, they didn't know what to do

so they stayed away.

But they gave me concessions to drink and use

because of what I had witnessed.

It was a very odd thing.

And I, even though I completely isolated,

I still craved that, I've always been a social person.

So I kind of craved that interaction and I found that.

So this is 2006 when this happened.

And there was a new thing called the internet chat room.

And there was a webcam society that I fell into

and I got in a lot of trouble

that my sponsor knows everything about

and that we don't have to talk about here and now.

But trust me, it was a lot of trouble.

And to the point where people were like,

like actually stalking me, you know,

not just on the internet, but would come out of the woodwork

and I'd see people like in the market who would approach me

and, you know, I had let them know about the suicide

and they want to know, did I kill him?

And did I, you know, like it was like just a crazy time.

And then there were the, you know,

the witches and the voodoo and all the things,

all the barbs that they were throwing at me.

You know, you've heard the power of prayer is amazing, right?

The power of prayer can heal.

Well, when you have thousand or 10,000

or even a hundred thousand people praying at you,

and I say praying, P-R-E-Y,

a lot of spiritual barbs come your way

and a lot of satanic things started to happen

all over my house and I really fed into it.

And I was amazed by a lot of it.

I was scared by very little of it

and I wanted to catch you in the act.

So I let it happen, you know, I kept letting it happen.

And, you know, I have alien abduction in my story

and I'll tell you this too.

I don't care how sober I get.

I will always know what those aliens did to me.

Like I'll always know, but that's neither here nor there.

I really started to go out of my mind.

You know, just channeling and speaking in tongues

and just all kinds of crazy stuff.

And because I was being stalked on the internet,

I knew that everybody in my neighborhood was watching me.

So there's one morning where I decide I'm gonna get out

and crawl up on the roof of my house.

And it's a Saturday morning.

It's about nine, 30, 10 o'clock in the morning.

I'm wearing only boxer shorts.

Why I thought that was a good idea, I don't know,

but that's how it went.

And I got on the roof of my house in my boxer shorts

and I started orating to the entire neighborhood

to tell them exactly what they've been doing to me.

And how dare you, how dare you put me through this?

And I was just livid and mad.

And I am telling them I'm a nice Jewish (mumbles)

how dare you?

And a couple of houses away,

there must've been some kids playing

and I hear this little girl's voice and, you know,

they must be about nine years old.

She shouts up to me on the roof and she says,

"You're crazy, mister."

And I about lost it like I hadn't already, you know,

but I really lost it.

I got so mad that she told me that I was crazy

and I went to the very edge of the roof,

scream at these kids and I say, "You're crazy.

You and your parents, your parents are, you know,

you know what they're doing to me

and you and your foul-mouthed dog."

Because all the animals, of course,

are talking to me at this point.

So, you know, and somehow animals like to cuss.

I don't know why, but they did.

And then the palm trees came to life

and the birds every night would go,

"Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty."

Anyways, I scream at these children

and maybe 10 minutes later, six policemen in formation

come up my driveway, carrying their rifles.

And they asked me very politely, I suppose,

to come down off my roof.

And I look at these cops and I scream,

"You're not doing anything illegal.

I'm not doing anything, this is my house

and you should be talking to these people."

And I'm going crazy.

And they very calmly figured out a way

to coax me down off my roof.

And I thought they were gonna, you know,

bring me inside, make me a cup of coffee.

I don't know what I thought they were gonna do.

But instead they put me in handcuffs

and put me in the back of the squad car

and took me on my very first 5150.

And I say my very first because I had

probably 10, 12, 5150 instances.

And I hated being held, you know,

they don't let you drink and smoke in these places.

So I did my best to, you know, do what they said

'cause I wanted to get out, you know.

And as much as I hated being there,

I have to tell you that I am so grateful

that they took me to these hospitals

because it was in one of these hospitals

where for the very first time,

panel of alcoholics come in and they do an H&I panel

and it was four people.

And they tell me stories that were just monstrous,

you know, where they had come from

and what happened to them.

And then they tell me that they're sober.

And then here's the real head spinner.

It's not that they're pointing at me and they're going,

"You shouldn't drink, you need to stop.

You need to stop doing what you're doing."

They never did that.

What they did was I'm no longer think about drinking anymore.

The obsession has completely lifted.

I just don't think about it, you know.

The only time I think about it is when I'm in a meeting

talking about it.

But, you know, in my day-to-day life,

I never think about it.

And that was like, because I'm always thinking about it.

I could have a drink in my hand

and I want to know how full the bottle is.

You know, I never run out of my stash.

I have multiple dealers, you know, whatever it is,

I'm always going for the next one.

And I literally am the guy

that would take a hit of marijuana every 15 minutes

since I'm about 12 and a half years old.

And it was just a normal thing for me.

It was normal CB.

And for them to say that they had no obsession over it,

that's the first time that I heard something,

it was my moment of clarity where I thought,

maybe, just maybe, I'm doing something wrong.

Maybe there is a different way to live or to be comfortable.

I always thought that I was, you know,

oh, I deserve to take a drink after work.

I work all day, I need to unwind.

I didn't realize that unwinding was the opposite, you know.

I was winding up, I was never unwinding.

I didn't know that, you know, they,

and funny the term getting high, you know, getting high.

I didn't realize that when you're drinking and using,

the devil has you by the toe

and you're hanging upside down.

And when I think I'm getting high, I'm hanging upside down

and I'm going deeper is what's happening.

My head is going down and I think I'm going up.

And everything I think is the opposite of what actually is.

And it was the first time that I thought,

maybe there's a different way.

'Cause I didn't really know about Alcoholics Anonymous.

I didn't know what you did.

I knew that it existed,

but I really didn't know what you did.

I kind of thought about it like as a,

it was an old man's drinking club

and you guys drank anonymously and nobody knew

or you figured it out a way or whatever it was.

I didn't know what it was.

So I was encouraged to go to meetings

when I got out of the hospital and I did.

And it was filled with people that, hey, so welcoming.

How many days do you have?

Two days.

Oh, that's great.

That's so great.

Well, we'll see you tomorrow.

Well, they didn't always see me tomorrow.

I didn't always show up tomorrow.

Then I come back like a week later and,

oh, hey, you, how are you doing?

How many days do you have?

Two days.

That's great.

We're so glad you're here.

I hope you come back tomorrow.

And it was like that.

They weren't judging me.

They knew me even though they didn't know who I was.

They knew exactly who I was

because we all have the same last name.

We're all alcoholic, taught alcoholic.

And I really don't get sober right away.

I didn't wanna talk about that suicide.

I read those, the steps on the wall.

So I read them, I did them.

I read them.

Oh, well, that fifth step

where you have to talk to somebody, that's a trick.

I'm not gonna do that.

I don't really want a sponsor.

But I can figure this out.

I can do this.

So I did one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three,

a million times, never really doing three,

but one, two, three.

And what happened was I finally caught on

that if I did what my fellows were doing,

that maybe I would get what my fellows were getting.

And there's no arguing this.

My fellows were reading the book with other people,

with a sponsor.

So I guess I better get a sponsor.

My fellows were doing the step work

where they sat down and they put a pencil to a paper

and started writing.

Maybe I should do the step work.

Maybe I should show up to this meeting 10 minutes early

so I can talk to people.

That's what you guys are doing.

Maybe I should stay 10 minutes late

so I could talk and have a little bit of fellowship.

That's what you guys were doing.

I'll make the coffee.

I'll clean the bathrooms.

Oh, I can be secretary.

I'll be secretary.

I started doing service.

My home group is the 5.30 a.m. meeting at the Valley Club.

And when I started at the Valley Club,

even really before I get sold,

I take the manager to Smart and Final every week

'cause I have a truck.

So I do the shopping.

And it was real easy for me to grab onto service.

Wasn't so easy to grab on a recovery.

Wasn't really easy to grab on a unit.

I didn't really want to dive into the fellowship,

but there was no denying what you guys were doing.

So I had to mirror that if I expected

to get out of this mess that I was in.

So it's like three years almost,

just a little less than three years

from the time I walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous

to the time I get my 30 days.

I don't have a pocket full of 30, 60, 90.

I could not get past 10, 12 days.

I just couldn't do it.

But the one thing that I did do is I kept coming back

because I saw people who in my judgmental mind,

they were way more messed up than I was, but they were sober.

So I kept coming back 'cause you guys were able to do it.

And I also was honest.

I never told you I was sober when I wasn't.

I reset my day.

And when they talk about grave emotional disorders,

but many do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

And because I was honest,

I think that's what got me through.

I really do.

So the day comes where I have about 26 days of sobriety.

And I realized that something's different

that I figured out, surrender.

My surrender was to the next right thing.

My higher power is not the next right thing,

but if I could surrender to what I'm supposed to do

without question, and here's what that means.

It means it's not a, I don't have a reason

or an excuse to do something, to put it off.

I don't have a better idea.

I don't have a yeah, but, or I know I should,

or I will when, it's none of that.

It's this is the right thing to do.

You take the action and you just do it.

And if you can step aside from yourself

and your big old ego and just do the next right thing,

you start building on that.

And suddenly recovery, it comes easy.

I mean, it just started to just run.

And I had 26 days of sobriety and I realized,

oh my gosh, I am going to get 30 days.

I've been here three years and never gotten 30 days.

And my home group was so excited for me, so excited.

And the 5.30 meeting, it was at the time,

it was pretty packed from Monday through Friday.

And then Saturday and Sunday, it was a lot lighter.

And my 30 day was falling on a Saturday.

But let me tell you, when I was going to get that 30 days,

everybody in that meeting showed up that Saturday morning

and they brought their people, they brought their friends.

And there were people from other meetings,

'cause you know, Valley Club,

they have 50 meetings a week.

And you know, if you stand up enough,

they say we do this so we can get to know you.

It's like, trust me, they knew me by now.

They knew me.

And I'll never forget the feeling of getting that 30 days

was, I get goosebumps thinking about it.

I honestly do.

It was amazing that I figured out surrender.

In fact, I figured out surrender so much

that I talked about the 26th day of sobriety.

So I'm also a cigarette smoker, or I had been,

since I'm 14 years old.

It's a pack, pack and a half of Marlboro Red Fox

every single day.

And just, I had no intentions of quitting smoking,

but on that 26th day of sobriety,

I walked out and I started to have a cigarette

with my friend, Jody.

And as soon as I took that first hit, my God said,

"You know what, Todd?

"You don't need those cigarettes anymore either."

And rather than say, "Yeah, but," or "Yes, I know,"

oh, you know, I'll tell you what, it's almost January 1st.

I'll make that resolution this year.

That'll be my resolution.

I'll stop smoking on New Year's Day.

And I didn't say that, or what I really also want to see,

I've spoken with Jody, who was a huge smoker.

And I'm thinking, I could have thought,

"Well, you know what?

"Jody should quit too.

"Maybe we'll quit together and we'll go in on shanticks

"and we'll figure it out together."

And I didn't think that, and the biggest excuse,

I have 18 cigarettes in my pocket here.

These are so expensive.

I'll tell you, I'm gonna smoke these.

I'll never buy 'em again after this panic, after this panic.

I probably would have just bummed 'em from you

for a while until I broke.

But I didn't think of any of those things.

My brain went, "Todd, you don't need those cigarettes

"anymore either."

And my hand just went, and I took 'em out,

and I, in front of Jody, and I threw 'em in the trash.

And by some miracle of alcohol, it's anonymous,

and surrender, I have not had a cigarette since.

I did not even know that I was going to quit

five minutes before I quit.

And I'll tell you what, I did not quit to this minute.

I've never, I never quit smoking.

I never quit drinking.

I never quit doing drugs.

What I've done is I've surrendered to the next right thing.

I've surrendered, didn't quit.

That's the big difference.

If you're gonna look at drinking like I have to quit,

you're gonna fight tooth and nail.

If you surrender to something bigger than you,

if you know you're supposed to be helpful to others,

and that's not blowing the cigarette smoke

inside of these families.

If you know your place in God's will,

it makes it a lot easier.

It takes it off of you.

Some of these little sayings, I see you got 'em up there.

I don't know if you have this one,

but one of 'em is give yourself a break.

I realized that give yourself a break means

get out of your own way.

It just, it doesn't mean take it easy,

kick back and relax.

It's not that kind of break.

It means take a break from your own ego.

Let something else run the show.

Do the next right thing.

Be as helpful as you can to the maximum amount of people.

Watch what you get back.

Watch what happens when you do that.

And you know, sure enough, to this day, that's where I go.

That's where I always go with God's will.

I just do the next right thing and I do my best

to get out of my own way.

'Cause I, you know, leave it up to me.

I don't wanna do anything.

I think I wanted to put this tie on and be here tonight.

I'm gonna tell you, it's so funny.

It's so funny to me that everything that I do

before I do it, I'm like, I don't wanna go to that meeting.

Or I don't wanna help, whatever it is.

And then, but I just do it anyways

'cause I know it's the right thing to do.

And while I'm doing it, it's really not that hard.

You know, and actually it's quite a pleasure.

It's a pleasure to, you know, be in a meeting,

being asked to speak, being asked to help somebody.

And it's not difficult at all.

And then after I do it, it's like the greatest thing

that I ever did, thank God, why was I thinking?

I didn't wanna go.

You know, I always have the wrong idea, always.

So I just do what I should do,

what I feel God's will is for me.

And that's help the maximum amount of people that I can.

And it always works out, right?

I always feel terrific afterward.

I'd mentioned that I had several 5150 instances.

Well, one of the ways that I gave back in service

was at 60 days, a little less than 60 days sobriety,

I started to go to the San Fernando Valley H&I meetings.

And I somehow got to a panel

and I started to bring a panel of alcoholics

to the mental facilities that I've been in.

Sitting on the other side of the table,

carrying the message to new people,

the exact same way the message was brought to me.

And I do think that the message is effective that way.

If you can remember how you got here

and then pass that on to other people,

they will probably hear you.

It's amazing how many people in my life,

all my friends, my brothers, my mother, my,

you know, you gotta stop doing what you're doing, Todd.

You gotta stop doing what, you know,

you can't hear any of it when an alcoholic tells me.

The message is loud and clear.

We can do something for each other

that other people can't do.

We can identify with each other.

We feel at home with each other.

You know, this is a family in a very weird way.

And even though I said the 5.30 a.m. meeting

is my home group, I feel at home at any group I go to.

Anywhere in the US, if I go to an AA meeting,

I am instantly at home.

I walk in the door and I know they know something about me

and I know something about everybody in the room.

And no, I couldn't be more grateful.

Couldn't be more grateful.

I sometimes say I'm grateful

from the bottom of my mother's heart

because my whole life, if it was this way, it's this way.

In fact, it's this way, you know.

I can't tell you, as many of you probably know

from your own experience, you know,

I can't tell you the relationships of my family,

people in my house, the people that I work with.

I'm a better friend, I'm a better uncle,

I'm a better brother, I'm a better son,

I'm a better worker, I'm a much better neighbor.

I never get on the roof and yell at the children

in my boxers, ever.

I'm a great neighbor.

And it's a great life, you know.

I try to be of service as best I can.

I'm still involved with H&I.

I've been the director of the program,

which was amazing to me.

I have done a lot of work with the convention.

Maybe some of you know me from there.

I was the chairperson for the unconventional

and I was a chairperson last year at the, I shared.

I shared your convention.

The guy that was up on the roof screaming and yelling

at children was up there sharing your convention.

And I couldn't have fit in anything.

And I wanna tell you, I gotta thank everyone in this room.

If you have this much of an interest in your own recovery,

what you've done is kept me here.

And I have to thank you for that.

I could not do any of this

without what watching my fellows has done.

It's beyond a bliss.

And when I say grateful, that word isn't heavy enough.

I just, I do wanna thank you

from the bottom of my mother's heart

for what you're doing for yourself,

showing up and helping people.

You know, my life has new meaning

because I watch people like you be of maximum service to others.

And with that, I heard the timer.

Again, thank you very much for asking me to come tonight.

I really appreciate it.

And that's my story.

I'm sticking to it.