31 Years Sober: A Filipino American Woman’s Journey Through Identity and Recovery

Apparently his green pretty drink was my five living.

And then I don't know me but it was the one we read.

- Hi, I'm Mary.

I'm an alcoholic and very odd.

Okay, so most of you are out there.

Anyway, I wanna thank Scott for asking me

to share with you this evening

and I will get the statistics out of the way

'cause I always like to know upfront, right?

So you can judge me accordingly.

My sobriety date is May 14, 1991.

I got sober when I was 23 years old

and I just celebrated 31 years of sobriety.

So I've spent more than half my life here

in Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I can't tell if there's any young people in here

but if you're young, when I got here,

I thought my life was over and I hope by the end of this,

you'll know that like it's just beginning, right?

And in fact, when I got here at 23,

like some people still think of that as kind of young

and I felt so old.

I was so tired by the time I got here.

I tried so hard to beat this thing.

And really my fear wasn't that I was gonna die young.

My fear was that I was gonna live another like 50 years

and I was gonna have to do this thing

and fight this thing for a long, long time.

So I'll start off my story.

I always think of myself as the least likely candidate

for Alcoholics Anonymous.

I come from a very typical Filipino Asian family.

There are no alcoholics in my family.

There's just like doctors and engineers and PhDs, right?

And their answer, they're like super highly disciplined

and their answer to everything is just try harder, right?

Like they could not understand

why I couldn't stop drinking.

Just stop it, Mary, just stop.

And so I come from that kind of family

and my family came here to the US when I was two years old.

And you often hear about people saying in AA

like how they felt different.

Well, not only did I feel different from everybody else,

I knew I looked different, right?

Like my family came here to the US

and we were like, we lived in a really white neighborhood.

I was like the only brown kid in school, you know?

So, you know, I was like the kid with the weird lunch, right?

And I just wanted to fit in with everybody.

And I remember my parents were all, you know,

I really like more than anything,

I wanted to be white like everyone because, you know,

like I just stood out and I remember my parents

always trying to get me to drink milk.

And finally, my dad said,

"If you drink milk, you'll turn white."

And so I guzzled that milk, but nothing happened

except a tummy ache, right?

And so as much as I wanted to fit in at school

and on the playground,

I really didn't fit in at home either

'cause I just wasn't Filipino enough, right?

I was a bit of a tomboy and, you know,

a little too loud for my mom.

And, you know, on top of that,

those stereotypes about Asian families

that have really high expectations,

that was like totally my family.

I brought home a straight A report card

when I was in fourth grade, except for one A-minus

and my dad didn't go, "Hey kid, congrats.

I'm taking you to Six Flags."

He just looked at me and said,

"We have to work on your math."

And so I was expected to like be top student and an athlete.

I was like playing AYSO.

I won like a track medal.

I won like a coloring contest at Saks Fifth Avenue.

I was all over the San Fernando Valley,

collecting trophies and ribbons

and just like trying to win, you know.

To this day, I remember the word that I misspelled

in my third grade spelling bee, right?

I mean, like I was just like traumatized

with a capital T about trying to win, right?

And, you know, I wish I could say

that's why I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous,

but I have a brother who is just two years younger than me,

raised under the exact same circumstances

and he thrived, right?

He went on to Asian Greatness.

He went to Purdue, Brandeis, you know,

he's like works for Bloomberg, very successful guy.

And, you know, but for me, like I just never, you know,

in addition to all this was like

this extreme self-centeredness, right?

Like all I did was think about myself.

I had a running commentary in my head.

Like since I can remember, I never felt like chill,

like I'm relaxed, you know.

It was always like, what are you doing?

Oh my God, you're in so much trouble.

No one's sitting with you.

No one likes you.

Your mom is going to be so mad at you.

Why are you wearing that?

No one wants, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Me, me, me, me, me.

And I would even like, like stare into the mirror,

like for hours at myself, just talking to myself.

I just, me, me, me, me, me.

And like nobody else factors.

I like to think of myself like I'm Beyonce

and you guys are a bunch of Michelle's, right?

Like you get to be in the band, but like, you know,

I'm front and center with the wind machine on me, okay.

So anyway, I'm 14 years old and I'm this perfect kid,

good conduct, athlete, straight A's.

I test into this prestigious all girls academy.

And, but this girl, this really wealthy girl

has a party, right?

And I know it's like freshman year.

I know this is like the make or break party

of my high school career.

Like this is going to decide,

am I going to be a loser and spend like Friday nights,

like, you know, with the other girls braces, you know,

in the basement, braiding each other hair, you know,

reading tiger beat or something,

or am I going to be with the cool people?

And I don't really know what the cool people do,

but I want to be with them.

So anyway, so I get to this party and like I said,

nobody in my family drinks.

I know I'm not supposed to be drinking,

but my head starts going.

Nobody's talking to you.

You're always going to be a loser.

See, you couldn't even get through a party.

You know, guys are never going to date you, blah, blah, blah,

you know, on and on and on.

Someone hands me a beer from a keg

and I just take that beer and I just drown it, you know,

drink it.

And what that beer did for me is that for once in my life,

I didn't give a fuck about anything, right?

Like it just shut off my head.

It shut off the commentary.

I didn't care if I didn't get another A again.

I didn't care if my parents were disappointed in me.

I didn't care if any boys talk to me.

I didn't care if I was popular.

I didn't fucking care, okay?

And for me, that is all I wanted

because without alcohol and drugs,

I just care way too much and I don't know why, right?

And so, you know, my friend Don G, the late great Don G,

used to say that there were four stages of alcoholism, right?

There's fun, there's fun with problems,

there's problems with just a little bit of fun,

and then there's problems. (laughs)

And like, for me, I went from stage one to stage two,

like within four hours, right?

'Cause like my dad dropped off this like superstar kid

and when he came back four hours later to pick me up,

you know, they couldn't find me.

I was in the woods with some boy, you know,

and like already, like Monday,

the rumors are starting about me and blah, blah, blah.

I've already am paying for this, right?

But I don't care.

I found my medicine

and all I wanna do now is get loaded, right?

And so quickly I went down,

like that's all I wanted to do is drink.

And, you know, in chapter three, they talk a lot about,

you know, what you do to stop this thing.

And, you know, when I got here,

I had an idea of what an alcoholic was, right?

And it was like a guy in a trench coat, you know,

drinking alcohol out of a paper bag.

Like I didn't know until someone took me through this book

and I saw what alcoholism was that I had it, right?

And so one of the definitions is the mental obsession,

right?

When it says in that book

that like we are under the delusion, right?

Delusion, not illusion,

that one day I will be able to beat this thing,

that I will be able to control and enjoy my drinking.

You know, that was my delusion from the start, right?

Like, 'cause I wanted to be able to do this thing forever,

right?

And so, you know, they talk about in chapter three,

like, "Geographics," right?

I was too young to do "Geographics" on my own,

but my parents did them for me, right?

They decided, "Oh, it's America.

That's what's the problem."

So the family moves to like the Philippines, right?

Because that's gonna solve it.

And, you know, in the Philippines, there's no drinking age.

And we have a socioeconomic status

that I have a driver, right?

So it's 16 years old.

I'm able to walk into bars.

I don't have to drive anywhere.

And the dollar goes really far.

So I just kept getting worse.

But if you're Filipino, you have a lot of relatives

that you can ship your wayward child off to.

So we just went from uncle to aunt, you know,

Detroit, Michigan.

I ended up, my last stop was Fargo, North Dakota,

because I guess they thought they could freeze it out of me.

And, you know, nothing.

You know, I always brought myself with me.

I always found my people.

And it was just, again, like I said,

a series of trying to control and enjoy this thing.

Sometimes I would just like switch entire groups of people.

Like, oh, I'll hang out with the drama people.

Maybe, you know, but I find the one person

in the drama group who will drink with me.

And my best attempt at trying to control this thing

was at about 19 years old,

I checked myself into a mental institution, right?

I was really tired and I just needed a break.

I have no idea what I was tired from, right?

Like I'm just taking a few classes,

working at the pizzeria, doing, you know,

doing nothing, but just getting loaded.

But I wanted to die, right?

I mean, and so I check in myself into Woodview Calabasas,

which is no longer there,

but it was this Spanish hacienda

up in the Hills of Calabasas.

Beautiful, right?

With the red tiled roof.

And, you know, for 30 days, I had a nutritionist.

I had light exercise.

I had a therapist that I met with one-on-one.

I had a psychiatrist who had me

on the right cocktail of meds.

I had group therapy, you know,

I think they probably even put me in 12 step groups,

but also like anger management groups

where I would learn how to hit the sofa.

So, you know, take my anger out on my mom

and how to, you know, work through my feelings, right?

I left there 30 days later feeling amazing, right?

Like I look great 'cause I'm relaxed.

I'm at goal weight, right?

And I think like, I've got this thing.

I know how to like deal with my emotions.

I know how to live life now, right?

So I get out of there and that night,

my friends are having a party, right?

At the Woodland Hills Marriott.

And I go, and you know what?

I think I'll just have a couple of drinks

because I just got out of the mental institution.

I'm gonna celebrate a little bit.

So you know how this ends, right?

At night, I get in a huge fight with my boyfriend

and I end up slashing his tires.

You guys, I had just checked out of the mental institution

12 hours before.

That is the very best I can do without Alcoholics Anonymous

and a power greater than myself.

That was the very best shot I had.

And so what I didn't know on top of that till I got to AA

was that even if I sort of had it mentally together,

I am doomed because I have a physical allergy

to this thing, right?

That thing like, I didn't know the wording for it,

but I certainly know what it felt.

When I read that thing in the doctor's opinion,

that phrase that says the phenomenon of craving,

I knew exactly what that meant.

'Cause sometimes I go to somebody's house

and if I knew what they had, you know what I mean?

Like they only have a six pack

and they would offer me something.

I would just say, no, like, what's the point of that?

I'm gonna take that beer.

It's gonna start something inside me.

And all I'm gonna do is have to sit here

for like half an hour and pretend like I give a fuck

about what you're talking about.

When all I wanna do is get out there

and finish this thing, right?

And so that's the thing with alcoholism, right?

Once I put it in my system,

I cannot predict how this is gonna go.

Is it gonna be one of those really fun nights

when I just go out dancing with my friends

to Florentine Gardens and we have a really good time

and nothing bad happens?

Or is it gonna be a night

where I slashed my boyfriend's tires?

You know, I don't know because they both start out the same.

So anyway, I end up here at 23

because I just run through everybody

and run out of great ideas.

My friends and you, I don't go with me to AA.

I didn't think I was an alcoholic,

but it was like a Tuesday night.

So I'm like, sure.

And I was very fortunate.

I got there and it was a bunch of young people.

You know, my friend,

like we see each other every Monday night

and they're like, I'm like still the newcomer 31 years,

right?

Like my friend Sam, it's like 38 years.

He got sober at 17.

You know, my husband got sober at like 21.

He has like 33 years.

Like there's just a group of us young people

that somehow stayed sober.

And anyway, that night I was just like, wow, okay.

So I'm not too young to be an alcoholic.

And so what happened for me for the next few months here

is how not to do AA, okay?

So I was very fortunate in that my obsession to drink

got lifted pretty easily.

You know, like I just kept going to meetings

'cause I had nothing else to do.

And I liked the cute boys.

I thought that was really fun.

And I liked going to coffee and I liked meetings.

Like why not?

It's like an hour, right?

And, but I wasn't gonna do anything.

Like, you know, we read chapter five.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do any of those steps.

I'm not gonna like do anything for real.

And you know, and so I got a sponsor

because everyone else, everyone said like get a sponsor.

So I would, I got this woman,

but I wasn't being honest with her, right?

I would just call her up.

And if you've been here for any amount of time,

you can parrot this thing.

So I was like, yeah, I would call her and go,

yeah, I'm having a hard time letting go and letting God.

What the hell does that mean?

You know what I mean?

Like nothing.

I'm not gonna tell her the truth,

which is, hey, I'm still hanging out with my ex-boyfriend

who's growing weed in his garage.

I'm not gonna tell her that

because she might make me stop doing that, right?

And so I'm here and I'm not changing at all.

And so I'm getting sicker and sicker

and getting more and more uncomfortable

because now I don't have my medicine.

And I have a friend who, you know,

really kind of put it so well for me.

You know, it took him eight years to get sober.

He would just keep coming in and out,

in and out, right, of AA.

And like, he kind of said,

like if you end up here in Alcoholics Not,

a meeting of AA, like that is your moment of grace

because not everyone ends up here, okay?

And everyone has that opportunity.

And so you have this moment where God's like, here you go,

but you still have to kind of jump through this window,

right, you gotta go through the door

and deal yourself in and do this thing.

And he said he would just kind of always hang out

in the waiting room and eventually the door shuts.

And so he would just end up in and out, in and out.

And I just had,

as I'm getting more and more uncomfortable,

I just had this feeling that if I didn't deal myself in,

I was gonna get loaded.

And even though I wasn't getting the full benefits

of this program, at least it wasn't getting worse.

And, you know, I had hope here.

So I was like, I have to get serious about this.

And I finally asked this woman who scared the heck out of me

to be my sponsor.

And she was like, okay, from now on,

there are no more what ifs, there are no more but ifs,

and you will do as I say.

And I was like, oh, I'm very serious, you know?

And so I got really serious about this program.

I went to a meeting every single day.

I called her every day.

I had commitments.

I was of service all the time.

I like moved people.

I cleaned bathrooms, et cetera, ad infinitum, you know?

I mean, 'cause, you know, she,

I remember she looked at me and she said,

you are the most selfish,

self-centered person I've ever met.

And you were gonna give and give until it hurts.

And then you're gonna give more.

I was like.

And, you know, and they always,

and my experience has been like,

everyone has the thing they're not gonna do, right?

Like I've sponsored enough women.

Like for some people it's like,

they're just not gonna call me.

For some others it's like,

they're not gonna do fellowship, you know?

It's just different for everybody, right?

And it has changed for me over the years what I won't do.

But in the beginning, my sponsor said,

in addition to all that, you know, no more guys, okay?

'Cause I was always getting into trouble, right?

One, I was always getting,

like I was getting 13 step a lot,

but I was also distracted very easily, you know what I mean?

I was young.

And so she's like, no boys, nothing, no flirting, nothing.

Just shut it down.

And I was like, well, I don't know

what that has to do with anything, okay?

And she's like, your picker is broke.

And so I was at my regular Friday night meeting

and this guy got up to do the 10 minute talk

and I didn't think much of him at all.

But then he says, and on Monday I'm having surgery

to have a bullet removed from my side.

And I was like, he is so hot.

And then it like clicked for me.

Oh my God, my picker is broke, right?

So, you know, I don't think every young lady has to do this

or older lady, any lady has to do this.

What I did, which was like, shut it down.

But I will say that my experience having done that was one,

I had a lot of time to focus on this program, right?

Like, oh, my time is now devoted to this.

And I got really good habits

and, you know, really good foundation here.

And also, you know, as a girl who got a lot of juice

from that kind of attention,

it was good to get self-worth

in a totally different way, right?

And so that was my experience as well.

And so, you know, I'm doing everything they tell me to do.

And I had some friends who like

had pink cloud sobrieties, right?

Like from the very beginning, they're like,

oh my God, I'm so grateful.

Me and God have such a great connection

and blah, blah, blah.

They're happy as anything.

And I'm miserable, right?

Every day my head is talking to me, telling me like,

oh my God, this is so stupid.

You're too young to be an alcoholic.

You know you're gonna get drunk.

You always get drunk.

Who are these people?

You don't even know them.

I mean, just like they told me, my head is out to kill me.

My disease lives in my head and it is out to kill me, right?

And every day it was on me.

And I, you know, even though I'm doing everything

they tell me to do.

And I remember sitting on my sponsor sponsor's couch

and just asking like saying,

I'm doing everything you guys tell me to do.

When's it gonna get better?

And my sponsor sponsor just looked at me and he said,

it's already better asshole.

You just don't know it.

And that was the truth, right?

So my experience and what I've had to see

so many other new people have to go through

is that I had to take that leap of faith

and just take the action that my sponsor

and these other people that seem to know how to stay sober

were doing.

And then one day my feelings are gonna catch up, right?

For me, it took a long time, but many months later

I remember waking up and for once in my life

I didn't wanna kill myself, right?

And so that experience has held me in good stead

in that knowing that like, as soon as I take the action

for many, for me, it's usually the inaction,

stop doing something, you know,

or I make the decision to take the spiritual action.

It gets better.

It gets better either right away.

It gets better in weeks, months, days, sometimes years,

but I know it's gonna get better.

It's just happened for so many times and so many instances.

So, you know, I reach a year and Scott,

I think you told me I have 35 minutes, right?

So that's what I'm timing.

You gotta tell me differently if it's not, but like,

you know, so I've been working this program

and now I gotta take it out into the world.

And, you know, I didn't wreak a lot of havoc in the world

because, you know, I was kind of still

a good Catholic school girl,

but it was mostly with my family.

And right, so I had to make these amends

and I like when they talk about like in the eighth step

in the book where it says, like, you become like,

we're like tornadoes, it rushed through everybody's lives.

And, you know, we come out of the cellar

once we get sober, we're like, hey, ain't it grandma,

the wind stopped blowing, right?

And that's kind of what I thought was going to happen,

right, that my family was just gonna be overjoyed

that I was sober now.

And to be honest, I really, I was so self-centered

that I just really had no clue about what I was doing

to other people.

And so, you know, when I went to make my amends

to my brother, like he was really just someone

that didn't factor into my life, you know?

And so I really didn't even know what I had done to him.

So I mumbled something about, hey, John, you know what?

I know it wasn't really the best sister

and I'm really sorry about what I did.

And is there anything else, right?

And he just looked at me and he said,

that's not good enough.

And he said, do you have any idea what it was like

to be your brother?

So he was the perfect kid.

I told you he thrived, right?

He got straight A's.

He was a good kid.

He went into the army reserves even.

And all the attention was on me.

You know, like, how are we gonna take care of Mary?

Is Mary gonna be okay?

We have to make sure Mary is all right.

And this kid was really popular at his high school.

And in his senior year, he had to move

because everyone had to go be with me

to make sure I was okay.

And so, you know, and through it all, he adored me.

Like I found these letters that he had handwritten

to his older sister who doesn't give a shit about him,

you know, and he would just write me letters about his life.

And what do you think of my hair?

And he made drawings and everything.

And I could care less about this guy.

And so what I've done for the, you know, what I did,

you know, was I, instead of just that mumbled, I'm sorry,

was what they talk about in the big book.

I had to make a demonstration.

And so I started being a really good sister.

And, you know, my brother and his wife

tried really hard to have a kid

and they were really struggling.

And then finally, you know, they have this son,

so I have nine minutes left, okay.

And, you know, everyone knows that I don't like kids, right?

Like I don't have any, I don't have any kids,

but when my brother's son was born,

he made me his godmother and, you know,

and he just keeps telling me that like, you know,

Mary, if anything happens to me and Serena,

you need to take care of John.

And like, I don't know why he thinks

I'm gonna be the one that does that,

but, you know, that has been the greatest joy of my life

is being a godparent.

So who knew?

And, you know, then I had to also go make amends

to this mom of mine, okay.

So I already told you, like I was a bit of a tomboy

and she was always on my ass, right?

Like I was just not pretty enough.

She's really pretty.

And I was like, not smart enough.

You know, I lost that spelling bee.

And she just like was on my butt to be a little bit better.

And she used to hit us too.

I don't know if you guys remember those

Hot Wheels racetracks, those orange things.

She used to pow, like really nail us, right?

And so I was really angry at her and, you know,

and I knew I would make the amends

because, you know, they say you have to make the amends,

but I was gonna, it was probably gonna be something like,

yeah, I'm really sorry, mom, for blah, blah, blah.

And then it was gonna be with the tone of like, bitch,

and then wash my hands and now I'm done.

Never seeing you again.

Check, I did the nine step with my mom.

But it talks about in our book that like how

we really have to kind of go with a forgiving heart.

And I was like, but she was horrible to me

and she used to hit me.

And so my sponsor kind of talked to me a little bit,

a couple of things that kind of changed my heart

about my mom, right?

And so one of those things was that she said like,

could she kind of just look at it from her point of view

and like that she did her best.

And first of all, of course,

I didn't never looked at it from her point of view.

I told you, I was always thinking about myself.

And so when I thought about my mom,

she came over here when she was 28 years old,

English is not her first language.

She saddled with these two kids

and as great a dad as my dad is, he has a horrible husband.

He cheated on her all the time.

So maybe I would pop off a few times too, right?

Like, you know, in the Philippines,

they just call it discipline.

She didn't know any better.

Her parents, you know, didn't teach her any differently.

You know, and the other thing with my mom

is that I was so embarrassed of her, right?

Because she did have the thick accent

and all I wanted was a mom

like the other American kids' moms, right?

I wanted Carol Brady and I had this mom

that like embarrassed me.

And like during, you know, our bake sales,

all the other moms have made normal stuff

like chocolate chip cookies and brownies and lemon squares.

And my mom would bring like this weird Filipino

coconut rice stuff called bibingka

and no one ever bought the bibingka, right?

And I was just like humiliated.

And I remember telling my sponsor,

like, I'm just so disappointed, like disappointed.

Why couldn't I have had like a normal mom?

And my sponsor was like, well, she, you know,

sacrificed for you.

She put you in the best schools

and you turned out to be an alcoholic and a drug addict.

Do you think she's a little bummed out too?

And so I was like, huh, okay.

So I made my amends to my mom with a different heart.

And, you know, I didn't, still didn't know

like what kind of relationship I'm gonna have

with this woman.

But like, I would start to go to lunch with her

like once a month and someone from AA would go with us

because we would fight very easily, right?

Like my mom just says some funny stuff to me all the time.

And, you know, and so then I would also be able

to start getting her cards

like on Mother's Day and Christmas.

And it wasn't the cards, like, you know,

I wasn't gonna lie and say like,

you taught me everything I know.

But I can say like, your smile brightens up every room,

you know, 'cause, and so over the years,

I got to know my mom.

My mom is so awesome.

Like she's the most popular person at every single party.

She is super funny and just like full of joy.

She gives so much service to her church.

And, you know, when I was 10 years sober,

my husband and I were buying a house

and we made sure that we had a little mother-in-law suite,

a little guest house for my mom.

And so my mom has lived with me for over 20 years, right?

And, you know, who knew that was something I even wanted.

And then, and so that's not to say that my mom

and I have a perfect relationship.

She still says some very funny stuff to me.

Like the other day, she's like,

"Oh, that was a really pretty picture of you on Facebook."

And I was like, so excited.

I'm like, "Mom, you never say anything nice to me like that."

She wasn't finished y'all.

That was just an ellipsis.

She just, and she finished it up with like,

why don't you look like that in real life, right?

So, and okay, so how many more minutes do I have?

Do I have like five?

Do I have 10?

What do I have, four minutes?

Okay, so, you know, and I'll just say very briefly,

because I took up too much time,

is that, you know, what do I want to say?

You know, the one thing that has like,

they talk a lot about the maintenance steps, right?

10, 11, and 12.

And my only pitch for you, because like, you know,

how do you stay sober 30 years, right?

'Cause that is a long haul, okay?

And obviously the basics are meetings, right?

You can't not go to meetings.

I mean, that is the deal.

When people go out, like the really common thing is,

I stopped going to meetings.

And it doesn't matter how you feel, okay?

'Cause I remember my friends saying to me

at 15 years of sobriety, "Mary, I feel great.

I don't need a meeting."

I, I, I, right?

And so that is the number one problem,

because like, this ain't about you.

This ain't about me at this point, right?

It's very clear in our book about how

if we don't enlarge our spiritual life

with constant work and self-sacrifice for others,

that we are sure to not be able to, you know,

not drink when trouble comes.

And so that's the thing.

Like, that's why I have to be here

is because y'all are here.

You know what I mean?

This is where the people that I'm supposed to help are.

And so, you know, so that is one thing is the meetings,

but I will also say, you know,

10, 11, and 12 are maintenance steps.

And it was pointed out to me 'cause like,

maintenance means like you kind of stay stagnant, right?

Like you just kind of do the bare minimum until someone,

you know, I went through the book again, you know,

at 22 years and they're like, you know,

look at the words they use.

It's continue to grow.

It's continue to do this.

It's now our main function is to grow in effectiveness.

And like, we must continue to grow into consciousness

with our, you know, higher power.

And, and so it's not a chill and just stay here.

And so every seven years or so,

I've had to like kind of up my game, right?

Like seven years I start, or eight years,

I started meditating.

At 14 years, I worked the steps again with somebody else.

At 21 years, that's not my sponsor.

I've had the same sponsor for 30 years, but you know,

I had to hear it a different way.

And 21 years I went through a big book workshop.

Again, someone, not my sponsor.

I just had to hear it differently and keep it fresh, right?

And, and like a few years ago,

I went to church for a couple of years, right?

And I learned how to pray really well.

And, and, and so that is what I would just encourage people

to do is just kind of keep growing.

One, keep coming to me and continue to keep growing.

And so, you know, I will just end it with this,

is that like, when I got here,

I had an idea of what freedom looked like.

Freedom meant I get to do whatever I want to do

whenever I feel like it, right?

And all that did was end me up here.

And so when I got here, I was like, well,

I can't do all this stuff that you're asking me to do.

I got to be free.

And, and yet alcoholism will bring you to your knees.

And it has turned out that if I do just the few simple

things that asked me to do here,

they asked me to do here,

just come to a few meetings a week,

was that a few hours out of your week,

find one person you can be honest with

and trust to lead you through this thing.

And then just help a few people.

It doesn't have to be great.

A simple hi to the newcomer means a lot to them, right?

And if I just can just do those few things,

I can have this huge life.

So here's like the rundown of a few of the things

I've gotten to do in sobriety.

I've traveled all over the world, right?

I've gone to meetings in Paris and Rome, Barcelona,

blah, blah, blah.

I've hiked into Machu Picchu.

I spent the night in the middle of a volcano.

I'm back to school, graduated with a 4.0

and got my master's degree.

I got a black belt in karate, I'm sorry, Taekwondo.

I quit smoking, started running.

I've qualified for Boston twice now.

I now work for a guy who is a social justice advocate

who has met with like several of the presidential candidates.

It's my dream come true, okay?

All this, but this never, this is like,

as our first speaker said, this is the foundation.

This thing never stops.

I always go to meetings.

I'm here on a Saturday night.

Before this, I was looking at police data, okay?

But the most important thing that I wanna share with you,

the alcohol, I share that with you so you know,

like my life isn't over if I come here.

The most important thing that Alcoholics Anonymous

has done for me is that I took someone

whose eyeballs were permanently turned in

and could only give a shit about herself,

turned them out so that I could look at you

and care about you all, wanna know about your lives

and be a part of your lives and somewhat connected to you.

And because of that, that bondage of self

has been lifted a little bit

so that I can have another day sober.

So I'm very grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank you for having me.