From Desert Parties to 28 Years Sober: A Mexican-American's AA Journey

and I am an alcoholic.

- Hi Yola.

- It's good to be here.

Let me see, I used to come here to quality of life

when it was out there.

And guess what?

That's exactly, I'm an alcoholic.

I just go there.

You gave me an address,

but I'm gonna go where I know where it's at.

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

You gave me, Scott gave me an address

and I end up over there in the old place.

That's a place that I knew when it was very new.

And so I lived in the area and I was just telling,

thank you, Scott, for inviting me to participate

in my recovery.

I was remembering when we came over here

from license session.

So we kind of follow the groups and they close

and they open and we move with them.

So only my mind is not so swift, I'm still stuck over there,

but it's good to be here.

And it's good to be sober, grateful to be sober

and grateful to be alive.

My sobriety date is July the sixth, 1998.

I come from the Pacoima group,

you know, kind of, you know, I move around

like a good alcoholic.

And Esther is my sponsor.

She has been my sponsor for many years.

Now I have the time that I have,

but I just wanna tell you that this program works.

It works even if you have to keep coming back.

I was listening to you, Bill,

thank you for sharing your story.

That it does, I don't know about you as an alcoholic,

but I know that I had to get all those things

out of the way because I was young.

I was 29 or 30 when I started coming

to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I, you know, I mean, I would get a year

and I'm, you know, being cloud and I'm good

and everything's, and you know, I'm all excited about AA.

You know, I loved AA.

I went to a lot of meetings.

I had a lot of commitments, you guys.

Went out, when shit hit the fan,

I was going to three meetings a day.

So in the first 90 days, I was at 180 meetings.

I knew where to go.

And for that, I am grateful,

even if I hadn't taken the first step.

I used to go to, well, I went all over the place.

I'm sorry, Burbank was one of my groups, you know,

and that's the first time that I started going to AA.

And it was, I was sober for two years, two years.

I had commitments as a secretary.

I made the best coffee in Burbank, you guys.

Coffee was always my commitment and I was good at it,

you know, and the only thing that I didn't do,

you guys, was I didn't take these steps.

I was afraid to ask these beautiful women.

It was like 50, 60 women on a women's meeting day

and I would not, you know, I would hear

what the steps were on the wall and I go, wow.

They're simple, but I didn't understand it.

I didn't understand, I'm powerless over alcohol

and my life is a manager.

What the hell does that mean, what does it mean?

You know, but before I get there,

in my confusion of my alcoholism,

I'm gonna tell you where I came from.

I come from a large Mexican family, you know,

and I guess my mom celebrated Mexican

or Hispanic heritage month every year

because she had a kid every year.

We're 11, we're 11 and sometimes she would throw

twins in there, you know, so she would have them by two

and you know, my father died when I was a little girl,

maybe about one or two years old.

I never met, I never knew him, I knew he was my dad

'cause he was the dad of all the rest of them.

I'm in the middle, I'm number six in this place.

He died, he went to Mexico and he was gonna get the cure,

whatever the illness was, I don't know, I was little.

So he was gonna come back and be a dad

and he died out there in Mexico.

So my mom waited a few years, he said he was coming

but he didn't come so she married again

and she had five more kids.

This is where the twins come in, is that right?

This is where the twins come in and we lived on welfare.

This is a long time ago, okay guys?

I don't even think they had food stamps yet

but they did have welfare and God knows

that my mom needed that help.

We all grew up and shame was one of those things

that I grew up with because there was never enough,

never enough food, never enough of anything.

But it was life, I didn't know any better.

When you don't know any better, you don't want anymore

because you have what you have and that's it.

So what we had, as we were growing up,

was a lot of parties.

My mom had nine girls and two boys

and we had a lot of girls, you know, first thing we knew

was go to school, maybe finish, maybe not,

more than likely not, get pregnant, maybe get married,

maybe not, depending on that shotgun coming out,

you know, the shotgun weddings, maybe we got married,

maybe not, it just all depends, you know, hit and miss

but there was a lot of kids and there was a lot of parties

because there was a lot of baptisms,

you know, a lot of baby showers, a lot of keg,

two or three kegs in the bathtub with ice

and that's where the party was, you know,

and they brought the bottles of Bacardi from Mexico

'cause I come from the border town of Mexico

and the United States, it was down in the desert.

I know everybody knows where Coachella is, right?

Well, I come from, you go further than that

and it's a little desert town and there was a border

and if you cross that border, magic happens.

You could buy alcohol at any age.

I was 13 and I started buying my bottles of Bacardi

and in those days, it was in the '60s,

it wasn't legal to cross the border with them.

It was like crossing drug but I had an idea

and I wanted a party and I started partying

and if I didn't see it around, I could go get it myself.

I'll cross the border and I would go to the liquor store,

give me my bottle of Bacardi, stash it somewhere

and close the border, like, you know,

I looked like this little kid, I was skinny, dark

and I looked like I was 10 when I was 13

and cross the border and just party

and just became the big shot

because I would give my friends little bits of Bacardi,

you know, and they thought I was all that, you know.

I wasn't, I just wanted it for me

but I started drinking at that time.

I didn't do too well in school

so, you know, I did do a lot of ditching

and I took a lot of hostages across the border

but so that we can party, you know,

go to the bars and drink that stinky beer

that they sell, 25 cents a pitcher

and it was like they took it out of the toilet, boy.

It was awful but they told me it was beer so I drank it.

You know, it didn't matter to me and you know what,

in my alcoholism, in my drinking,

it never caught any better.

You know, I started drinking Tokay Ripple.

Come on, that's vinyl property right there.

They'll fight you for about a bottle of Ripple and Tokay

and that kind of nasty little bottles are green

but they're good, you know, and I drank that.

I drank the lowest of the lowest in, you know, Ciscos

when I didn't have any alcohol, the Ciscos was good enough

and it's the awfulest.

I don't know, I didn't like it but I drank it

'cause I was looking for that effect.

I think of going all over, it was a long period

of drinking of what it was like.

I crossed that line, they call it an invisible line

that we cross when we drink as Bill was talking about

that we try to control and enjoy it

because we really wanna enjoy the alcohol.

We want the party to last but there comes those hangovers

and those blackouts and those throwing up in front of

and other people's cars.

After a while, they didn't wanna invite me

and I was only 18, you know.

I was a lower companion at that time.

I thought it was because I didn't know how to control

and I didn't know how to drink.

I was learning, don't you see, that when I was out there,

I was learning how to drink, how much to drink,

when to stop and of course, as the beat goes on,

we don't stop, it keeps going.

I would drink bottles of Spaniarda, you know.

I don't know that they make those wines.

I really don't know.

I thought they maybe we drank them all

in the 60s and 70s, you know.

I don't know that they're still, you know,

strawberry kills and all of those things, I mean.

I was like, whatever you got, I'll drink.

I didn't like, I didn't like beer but I drank it

'cause I wanted the effect, you know.

You understand that I was in a lot of pain and confusion

when I was a teenager and I didn't ask for help

and anybody, I didn't tell anybody the secret's here

and the secret's mine and I wouldn't tell anybody.

So when I grew up, as I was growing,

I met this guy and he was going to Vietnam.

He's the father of my daughter, there's my daughter

right here and he was going to Vietnam when he came back.

Of course, I went along like my siblings did.

I just get engaged and do those things

and have, you know, bridal showers and bridal this

and get married.

I got pregnant first.

This is, that's the course of the way we do it

and it's a culture thing, I think, for my family anyway

and then so I threatened the guy.

'Cause he didn't want to get married.

He had just gotten out of Vietnam.

You know, he wanted to party and drink

and do all that good stuff, you know.

I was his drinking buddy, so that was fun,

but the other part about being responsible

once I got pregnant, my mom was upset.

She said, "What are you going to do?

"Why did you get pregnant?"

You know, and I told the dad, I said,

"You know, if you don't marry me,

"my mom wants me to get married.

"My mom wants somebody to be responsible.

"If you don't marry me, you'll never see that kid

"and his name will be my last name

"and you don't have to be responsible

"and you'll never see me again or your kid."

That was pretty threatening, I thought.

I mean, if I, if you don't get that as a dad, you know,

then you ain't, you're not going to get anything.

You don't care, right?

So he married me, you know.

I had to pull out my own shotgun.

"You gonna marry me or what?"

(laughing)

Went home to mama, mama, I'm married.

And she was very happy.

Now I know that that was, he was my drinking buddy.

You know, we drank together and we had three kids.

Martina's being the baby, but you know, it was awful.

It crossed that line, that invisible line.

Who knows which one it is?

It's the one where you just don't give a damn.

You know, I didn't care about me.

I didn't care about you.

I didn't care about him.

After I took out that shotgun, I wanted to put it back.

I said, "Why did I do that?"

You know, take it back.

But I couldn't do that.

I was not responsible, accountable.

I couldn't be a good mom.

I wasn't a good mom.

I did my best.

You don't understand.

I did my best and that's the best I could do.

And I hurt these kids along the way.

You know, I want to call it for what it is.

I don't want to say that, well,

I left them with their kids, with their dad,

so they can be better taken care of, you know?

As I was going out from here to do my own stuff.

And now what I do is call it for what it is,

because it's what it is, the truth,

the honesty that set me free.

And I know it can happen for you too.

I call it for what it is.

I abandoned these children, you know?

And I was selfish and self-centered and I was insane.

And I couldn't do any better.

I did talk to a lady that had a lot of time,

30 years in the program.

And I said, I did this and what mother would do that?

What mother would do that?

And she said, a sick mother would.

A mother that has an illness

and it's called, in your case, alcoholism.

She said, and I don't know if it's true, I got to look it up.

And this is many years later.

She said, when a mother is ill and sick

and she has her young,

she takes a young and put them in a safe place.

And she goes out to die and go, really?

You know, then I didn't feel bad.

So bad, not so bad, you know, because I go, I'm sick.

And if they're with their death, they're okay, you know?

Finally, thank you God, I got sober for two years.

I had commitments, like I said, I was a secretary.

I was in every meeting doing HNI, all kinds of stuff,

you know, that didn't stop me from drinking

from a time that I got thirsty.

I'm 4th of July as I am right now.

I got thirsty on 4th of July and I was sober two years.

And then I know that I never took these steps,

that I never practiced these principles,

that I never really understood that book,

even though I read it,

that I needed somebody to take me through the book

and see what does this mean?

How, the how, you know?

I didn't understand.

And just like in school, when I was in school,

I didn't get it.

And I wasn't gonna ask you, you might think I'm dumb.

You know, I was not gonna ask you.

I was going to figure it out.

And I couldn't, I couldn't figure it out.

I finally, like I came back home and I got sober.

My sponsor one time, same sponsor, okay?

She tried to sponsor me and get me sober

and try to get her best as a sponsor does.

I was working at this DUI school.

That's what I do, a DUI professional.

You know, 'cause I drank and drove perfectly.

And if you can't drink and drive,

don't get in the car and bother with that

because you're gonna get a DUI.

But now I'm a counselor and I can say that.

You know, I used to drink and drive with one eye.

But anyway, that's not what I was gonna teach you, okay?

I was gonna teach you that it's dangerous.

It's dangerous.

And I still do the same work that I did then.

My sponsor, I was, I used to smoke in those days

and I was outside smoking with my daughter and my coworker.

And we're outside taking a break, you know, smoking,

looking at an olive in Burbank.

And my sponsor starts walking.

I wasn't in the program.

I was like in between slips, 10 years in and out.

You guys, there comes my sponsor.

She's walking and I go, "Whoa, where can I hide?

"I can't hide, you know, I'm already out here."

So I had to go meet her and say,

"Hi Esther, what are you doing here?"

And she says, "Oh, well, I was just in the neighborhood."

Come on, she's from Pacoima or from North Hills,

from this other area.

I was in Burbank and I said, "What are you doing here?"

And she goes, "I just was in this area, I was walking by

"and I just wanted to see if you're okay, how are you doing?"

I said, "Wow, I couldn't believe it."

I could not believe that somebody would care enough

to come by and see if I'm still alive, I guess.

How am I doing?

And I said, "Oh, that's nice."

I didn't know where to hide.

But finally, finally, once I had to drop off these kids

and was out there for five years, I came crawling back.

I did ask my sponsor, how does this work?

I need to go through these steps, like only the dying will,

because I can't play anymore.

I'm not 20 or 30, I'm 40 or whatever.

I have to get this program or I'm gonna die.

My doctor, I used to go to the doctor, I was really good.

You check my blood and yeah, your enzymes are high.

And I would go like, "Oh, okay."

She goes, "What do you need?"

I said, "Oh, I need to go into detox."

So I was always in detox, I like detox.

'Cause you rest, you kick back and you just,

they take care of you for three days or five days.

They feed you, they shoot you up with vitamins

and they take you to meetings every day.

But then they kick you out with big book

and 12 and 12 and say, "Bye."

I mean, $8,000 big book, but yeah.

But I liked those detox.

It wasn't happening for me anymore.

My doctor said, "Do you," and here's where it goes.

My doctor said, "Do you want to, for me,

"what do you want, Yolanda?

"I can help you get sober, put you in treatment.

"What can I, how can I help you?"

And he says, "Oh, I can help you get sober

"or help carry your casket."

"Oh, this guy," I said, "He's too much."

You know, the alcoholic mind, full flight from reality,

full flight from denial

and that this alcoholism is gonna close.

And he said, "I can help carry your casket,

"which one will it be?"

It's a little serious here.

I don't know, can I think about it?

Really, I went home thinking about it all the way.

That's a little harsh.

Coming from a doctor, what is he?

I don't know, I didn't feel bad.

I mean, I looked a little yellow, Ramona says,

when she met me.

This is 24 years ago, you know?

And she said I was yellow.

I don't know, I don't believe her either,

but anyway, I guess I was.

It's funny 'cause you could see yourself in the mirror

and you don't see that.

Yeah, you don't like yourself, but you don't see that.

And there I was, I thought about it,

and I knew AA, and I know AA works.

So I did that prayer, yeah, I don't even want this.

Maybe I'm gonna die, I don't know, please help me.

Because the thoughts that I was getting was AA,

and I had been an AA, please help me.

I can't believe that the doctor wants me sober

more than I wanna get sober.

And I started there, my journey and the second step.

I knew I was an alcoholic and my life had become unmanaging.

And I knew I needed a God to get me through this,

to get me sober, because on my own, I was not gonna do it.

On my own, it doesn't work.

And on my own, I was messing myself up even more.

So I went back to my sponsor.

When I went back, she said, we're gonna do,

we're gonna, Yolanda, and she says, I know where you are,

I know where you've been.

One, two, three, out, one, two, three, out.

One step forward, two step back.

And she goes, we're gonna go straight to the fourth step

because you've been playing around in this in and out

for 10 years, you've been sober,

but you don't get farther than that.

And yes, we did the fourth step and the fifth step.

And between the rest of the steps, the steps to me,

six and seven means change.

Something's gotta give, something's gotta get out.

Something's gotta change in me.

And I had to change or I was gonna be out one more time.

And I know that this was by the grace of God

that I am sober today.

Nothing that I did because everything I did,

I try to just manage and control

and try to keep continued drinking and work on that

and do my amends to my kids.

So it took a long time, okay?

These amends are not just, let me tell you,

let me sit down and talk to me

and let me tell you where I was wrong.

No, it wasn't that easy.

Sometimes I know that I had to say,

I'm so sorry for not being a mom, not being in your life.

But most important, when I heard what I did to their lives,

that's those amends that I needed to listen

to correct those things wrong and be stood up, show up

as you taught me, suit up, show up, be present,

work with another alcoholic, work with your family.

They come first and just be there.

And I have to the best of my ability.

And let me tell you guys it works, this program works.

They all have from the, my son who's 50 now,

when his wife was gonna give birth,

he says, mom, Carol wants you on the labor.

This guy, my son, who when I was trying

to make my amends early recovery,

he would be walking down the stairs him and his cousin

would look at me and spit.

I mean, he's the one that walked with me up those stairs,

saw that you're here to do your work.

Keep going and say the serenity prayer, keep walking,

knock on the door, my kids would hide from me.

They won't hide in the closet.

I don't blame them.

And I was so anxious and excited to do these amends.

I don't blame them, but it took time.

It took time to suit up, show up.

I got back together with her dad and I helped him.

I paid child support, has child support.

I made my amends financial.

I paid the taxes for five years that I didn't pay them.

I'll pay child support, back pay and continue paying.

And that, you know, I would ask that same old lady

that told me, you know,

sometimes we don't get our kids back.

We don't get our loved ones back.

We don't get that wife back, that job back.

We don't get it.

It says in the big book.

I said, well, I'm not here.

I'm here through hope.

The hope of alcoholics anonymous and say,

I'm going to get back if I do this work.

I'm going to get through and give these this back.

Because if I don't, I rather die, I'll die.

So I'm going to do it because it says it in the book,

you know, just stay present, be of service,

have a commitment, keep doing it, keep doing it.

Don't drink, simple.

The program is simple,

but it's the selfish, scared alcoholic that complicates it.

The one that I can't beat.

I can't do this without a drink.

I need relief.

Yes, we can.

Yes, we can.

I showed up for all there.

My daughter, my other daughter said,

"Mom, I want you to be in the labor room."

And I was there.

And I even took film.

See, mom, I want you to put that camera

where the baby's going to be born.

I said, whoa, what an order.

I don't know if I can go through it.

Not her.

No, not her.

My other, I have two daughters and a son.

Two daughters and a son.

And she said, "Mom, please, I want this in film."

And I said, I told you I was willing to go to any dance.

I can't, I was the best.

I could've been in pictures, you know.

I mean, a film career, but it wasn't.

Anyway, and I sat with her,

but she didn't like my filming.

I was supposed for comfort.

Anyway, I showed up with two of her kids.

And this is what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous.

We suit up, we show up, we are present,

and we do the best we can, guys.

One day at a time.

And I don't ever, ever want to take a drink again.

Well, I'm 70 now.

I'm 70, and I didn't think I was gonna live this long.

You know, I mean, by the grace of God, I'm here.

And so are you, and so are you.

If you're new in the program, please keep coming back.

Hope is something that is unseen.

You don't know what's gonna follow hope.

I want this back, I want that,

but hope is that it's around the corner.

All we have to do is take those steps

and look and be present in our lives

and the lives of those that we love.

I don't know how many minutes I have.

Oh, oh my goodness.

Well, I still do the same thing I used to do.

I'm a DUI counselor.

I do first, second, third offenders.

I love my people when they come in,

because when they come in, they're angry.

They're afraid, they lose their jobs, their license.

And what I'm there to do is just welcome you

like I do in AA.

Welcome to the newcomers.

I see one, is she still here?

Yes, Cynthia, I met her this morning.

She's a newcomer.

And yes, and I know Mariana, I know Jenny, and I know Sarah.

They're from other meetings and they showed up for,

I told them I was gonna share tonight

and they're here from other meetings.

Okay, and I'm just, I gave a divorce

to that husband of mine, Poresito.

I made my amends.

I said, you know, when we were at the courthouse

and the judge looked at us and we were agreeing

and we were laughing and making jokes about each other

and stuff like that.

And he says, "You know, I've never seen a divorce like this.

You guys are friends."

And he goes, "I've never seen somebody so friendly,

so agreeable with."

I say, "Yeah, you know, he wants his freedom."

You know, and I told him, I invited him for breakfast

after the signing and everybody was jumping up and down,

you know, and he asked one question,

"You know, if you sign here, if you win a million dollars,

he can't take it and then you sign here.

And if you win a million dollars, she can't take it."

And then I looked at him.

Come on, we put some time in there.

I have three kids.

I put 18 years.

He goes, "You know, I'll give you some."

I said, "So will I."

So that was, that's the way he goes, "Whoa."

I don't care what paper we sign.

This is how it's gonna be because we know each other.

And I say, I made my amends and I say,

"You know, you deserve to have a wife,

somebody that can be a good wife to you.

And I just want you to be happy and to find her.

You're free."

And so am I.

And I wanna thank you guys for being here and having me

and jumping on a little place.

But I am grateful to be sober, grateful to be alive.

Please keep coming back.

Thank you.

You're a lover.