From Family Chaos to Long-Term Sobriety: A 12-Year Journey

I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for that lead Monty. I definitely related with you quite a bit.

My sobriety date is February 13th, 2010. So, and I have a sponsor. Her name is Rebecca. I have a

home group. It's the Encino Hill Speaker meeting. I've been going to that meeting for 13 years.

So I got sober in 2010, but I was checking this place out starting in 2009. And I tell you all

these things because that's what keeps me here. A sponsor, you know, being accountable, working

the steps, even after 12 years, you know, I'm actually doing step work again. You know, qualify

a little bit. I was born and raised in Wisconsin. That definitely doesn't make me an alcoholic,

but it's very close. I come from an alcoholic home. Father, alcoholic, mother, the Al-Anon,

the rager, the angry one. You know, my sister and I grew up in fear, in a closet, scared, crying.

You know, my mom would leave the house and she would say, "Hey, I'm going to take your sister

to Girl Scouts. Please, you know, when your dad has a seizure, put this rubber thing in his mouth

so he doesn't swallow his tongue and die." I'm six, seven years old, right? "Okay. All right,

mom." You know, and always checking on my dad to make sure he wasn't dead. And, you know,

I'll never forget one time my mom was gone with my sister and my dad needed some money. My mom

would take his wallet and he wanted to go get something to drink up the street and he didn't

have his wallet. So he says, "You know, honey, do you have any money?" And it's like, "Yeah,

let me help you out, dad. I want to help you out, dad." And I busted my piggy bank open and I gave

him all the money that I had and then he left me there. And I watched him walk up the street and

I had this vision in my head and I worked on some step work with it. You know, there I was,

I had my piggy tails. I remember the pajamas I was wearing and I remember sitting on that back porch,

rocking back and forth, wondering when he was going to come back. And I tell you all that,

is it because that's what makes me an alcoholic? No, it doesn't make me an alcoholic at all. But,

God, I was wishing that it would because I wanted to blame it on somebody. I wanted to point the

finger at somebody, get off easy and not going to bring around with you guys because I had a better

time feeling sorry for you all than being a part of. And I really, really wanted that to be the

case. And so I did my Geographic. I left at 18. My best friend and I, Pat Picard, she was living

in a similar home, her father an alcoholic, and we moved to LA. We came here to meet the guys from

Motley Crue and we were going to marry them. It didn't matter which one. I wasn't going to marry

Nick Mars now. I mean, I wanted to either marry Nikki Sixx or Vince Neil. And shortly after I got

here, God gave me a psychotherapist. That's who I'm married to today. So I laugh at that because

God already knew it was better for me than what I knew for myself. So I've been with my husband

for 31 years total. I always say I'm waiting for his book to be done because that's when he's going

to exit because the experiment will be over and we'll have it all figured out. And that'll be me,

you guys, if that's anonymous. So we laugh all the time. I'm just like, "How the heck did you

stay with me?" And a woman in this program had said to me, Kathy, she said, "You know, honey,

he sees something in you that you don't see in yourself. And one day you're going to love

yourself enough to know that." And I never understood that concept. I drank and I drank

and I drank. I moved out here. I was dating this guy. We moved in together and I was like,

"I'm going to make something of myself. I'm not just going to work this 40-hour-a-week job. I'm

going to go to school. I'm going to go to school and I'm going to do something great." So he loves

me, so he stays with me, so he doesn't leave. And I went to Valley College for five years at night

and I worked 40, 50 hours during the week. And he would wonder where the vodka went in the freezer.

And I'm like, "I mean, what's the problem? I'm going to school and I'm working, showing up."

I made my way into USC. I did that all on my own. I did that on scholarships and grants. Nobody paid

my way. And what's the problem? I'm showing up for my life. So what if I drank? So what if I drank

the vodka in the freezer? I mean, although I'm lying, I'm like, "I don't know. You must've left

it open. It must've just filled out everywhere. I don't know." Or, you know, disclaimer in Polish,

but one time I put water back in the bottle in the freezer and I froze. And it's like,

"What happened?" I was like, "I have no idea. That is so weird." And so we went along like that,

you know, and I made it through USC. I graduated, I worked for this like big company and that

company was closing down. I was on baby number two. At this point, we had gotten married. We

already had one child and I'm on baby number two. And my husband and my in-laws say to me, "Hey,

have you ever thought about being a stay-at-home mom?" Now, most mothers, I think, would be like,

"Really? I can do that? That's amazing. Like, wow." I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

Because I knew in my mind, I was afraid, left to my own devices, what would happen to me? But I

said, "I'll give it a try. I'll give it a try." I immediately became a stay-at-home drunk. I was

drinking all the time, but I'd get it together a little bit here and there. I'd take my babies to

the park and I'd bring them home and I'd bathe them and I'd start drinking at five. And that's

the time you start drinking anyway. So I'm okay because I'm not drinking prior to five. I mean,

then it was like, "Well, it's five o'clock in New York. It's soon here, but it really is five

o'clock somewhere." So those things are true for me. And I just kind of went on and on and on and

we had baby number three and I'm really hitting it hard. I got to the point where I could drink

five bottles in one day. I am your garden variety, good old drunk. I didn't really take any other

upside substances. I've tried a few things, but it was all about the alcohol. And it got to the

point where it's five bottles. It was like, I needed that fifth bottle hidden just in case I

woke up in the middle of the night, which I did. I'd wake up, "I'd be wide awake. I need that drink

to be able to go back to bed." I had black trash bags. Every Thursday, I'd go around the house and

I would pick everything up and the trash men would come. And you always knew when you hit my house

because you could hear the clanking of all the bottles. Well, I had a good idea and that was

getting a little out of hand. So I decided that I should probably just switch to vodka because

one day I left the bag out on accident. I forgot to take it to the trash because it was taking my

son to baseball practice. And I was like, "Can you imagine if he came home?" There has got to be at

least 52 bottles in there. And so I thought never again, I'm going to switch to vodka. So I switched

to vodka. At one point, my husband did leave me. He had had enough. He was only gone for five months,

bless his heart. He had it, he had it. And so he backed the car up and he practiced things up. Now,

I had already, like I said, been dabbling in AA in 2009. So he cuts the car up and he leaves and

he goes to stay with his mother, which isn't too far, but he leaves three children. So I was like,

"Okay, thank God. I really got to get my life together. I got to call this woman that I met

in the beginning of the year. I have her number on this piece of paper that she wrote down.

And I got to give her a call. I think it's time for me to get sober now because she's gone. I got

to get him back." That's all I thought about is I got to get my husband to come home. This isn't

going to work out if he's not here. And so I called her and I met her at her house and she

started asking me all these questions on a timeline. And I was like, "She's going to call

Child Protective Services on me or call my husband. She just has a Google and she can find

him. I am not telling her this stuff." I was so paranoid, you guys. I was so paranoid. I was so

in my illness and I was so sick. I was afraid of everybody. I was paranoid of everything. I was

paranoid of all of you. I was like, "I swear I've seen these people before. I've seen you before. I

know I've seen you before. Have you seen me buy liquor?" I mean, I was nuts. And so I did this

little timeline with her and I couldn't quite stay sober. My husband came back five months later

because he was like, "God, she's doing great with this AA thing. And she's going to all these

meetings." And little did he know is I'd go to a meeting. He'd come and watch the kids. I'd go to

my meeting. I'd go straight over to 7-Eleven and I'd buy three 40-ounces. I don't know why that was

my thing. It was three 40-ounces that got me just enough. I would come back. He would leave. I'd

clock it to make sure I knew he was on the freeway and gone. Kids were already in bed and I'd go out

in the back and I'd slam these three 40-ounces and I'd wobble my way back over to bed and I'd pass out

and wake up. And I was doing that all the time until he decided it was time to come back. "You're

coming back? Oh God, I have to get sober right now. Like right now, I'm going to get sober."

Like it was that easy, I thought in my head. Like, "Okay, cool. I'm just going to quit drinking now."

So I went back to the meetings and I called this sponsor and I... It was like two weeks in and I

decided it was a good idea to stop and get a six-pack on the way home because my husband was

going to be out that night and he didn't leave. I got home and his car was still there and I was

like, "Oh, what am I going to do with the six-pack if I have my car? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

So I left that in the car. I went in. I like couldn't sleep all night because I was trying

to figure out how in the head am I going to get this six-pack out of my car? And I was like, "Oh,

you idiot. When he gets in the shower, you just run out there and you throw it all in the

refrigerator." So I did. And it was like a few days later, he was like, "Where'd all this beer

come from?" I was like, "I don't know. You're the drinker, not me." He barely drinks. He barely

drinks. So there was like far too many beers in the fridge. So went along, went along. And then

I started to just... There I was again, drinking vodka. So I go to vodka. He had a bottle of

Belvedere vodka in the freezer and it was silver. You could not see through it. It was a holiday

edition. So I started to drink out of that bottle. And within a day and a half it was gone. And it

was like, "Oh my God." All right. So I dropped the kids off. I drive to the liquor store. He

opened at seven. Thank you, Lord. Somebody opens at seven right over there on Fallbrook and Oxnard.

And I would go in there and I'd get the Belvedere and I'd come home and I'd take the funnel and I'd

put the funnel in and I'd pour it because of the bottle. You got to get the bottle and it's just

this whole thing. And then I would run out again in like a day and a half, two days. And I'm like,

"Hey, you know what? I'm going to buy a pop-off. I'm going to get the gallon plastic bottle pop-off.

What am I doing?" And plus Belvedere is expensive, but that's not fair to my husband. I mean,

I'm spending his money. He's working and his Belvedere is expensive. It's just going to pop

off. I go and I get the gallon and that lasts a little bit longer and you can hide it right in

the closet there. So that was fine. And when you throw it away, it's amazing. It's plastic. You

just pound on it. It flattens up. And so there it is, but I'm not living my life. Right? I mean,

my life is just fine. And now I know my oldest daughter out of my three kids, she's the only

one that remembers some things about me being drunk a lot, is just giving me these looks. And

my husband's coming home from work and he's giving me these looks and he's asking me, "Have you been

drinking?" No, I haven't been drinking. I just haven't been feeling well. I think I had the flu.

I had the flu like every day. I took up running. I decided running was a great thing to do because

he would come home from work. Being a mom of three, a stay-at-home mom of three is very,

very difficult work and I would need to go run. So I would get out and I would run and I would run

right down the street. I was training for the New York Marathon. I thought it was a great idea to

run the New York Marathon. I had never run an endurance race in my life. And I would get out

and I would run and I would run straight down the street to my sister-in-law's house. She was my

drinking buddy. And we would drink on her porch and we'd smoke cigarettes and it was amazing.

And then she dragged me back. And I ran that marathon anyway, believe it or not. So I was

living my life just out of control, spiraling, spiraling, spiraling down the drain. And I don't

know why one day on February 12th, 2010, I had to go pick up my kids and it was about two hours

prior. And I just got this feeling. I poured that drink and I would put seven up or whatever in it

to make it bigger, to make me feel better about it. Like I was having a mixed drink and a big

tumbler plastic cup, you know, so classy. And I just started having this panic attack. It's

the best way that I can describe it. I had this panic attack and I just started hyperventilating

and I literally crawled up into a ball in the corner of the room and I was like, "God,

please help me. I can't do this anymore." It wasn't working. I was still drinking the same

amount, but I felt like I was sober and I could feel everything. And it was the scariest thing in

the world because the reason I drank was to check out. I didn't want to feel feels. I wanted to be

left alone. And I never processed a lot of this stuff, you know, from my childhood. And I just,

it was always the drinking, the drinking. And that's why I really wanted to blame it on my

parent. Like it was your fault. And come to find out in my inventory, you know, they did the best

they could. I love my mom and dad. They're wonderful people. They did everything that

they could to, you know, they only had their tools, right? My dad grew up in a really hardcore

environment. My mom, you know, not so great. So they did the very best they could. So on February

12th, I called that lady who I'd met that sponsor that I kind of had. And because I had the drink in

front of me and she said, is there something you want to tell me? And I, and for an alcoholic like

me, I had to pause because I knew if I told her that I had been drinking, her idea would be let's

start the steps, you know? And I'm like, maybe I want jails, death and institutions, right? I mean,

we have to think about this. So I paused and I said, you know, I've been drinking and she laughed.

She was like, Oh, sweetheart. I know. She's like, I, I'm like, you know, I'm having a panic attack

here, lady. Like this is bad. You know, she's like, go read this page out of the book. And I

did. And I come back, call me back. I call, go read another page, call me back. And I'm like,

what is she doing to me? Like, this is just, she's not, she's drinking, she's drinking. And now I,

you know, today I know it's like, she was just trying to get me to refocus. Right. So I was able

to get it together. I was able to go pick up my children. And I just showed up at her house the

next day, had to be there at 6 AM and I showed up and we got on our knees and my journey began. And

I said, listen, and you know, you mentioned this too is like 90 and 90. I'm like, you know what,

I'll give you this 90 and 90, this stupid 90 and 90 that all you people talk about. And like,

you're so into it. I'm like, I'll do it. I'll do whatever you tell me to do for 90 days. I'll keep

my mouth shut. I'll listen. And I'll do whatever you tell me to do. I did it, you know, but I'm

like, she just doesn't get it. I have three kids. I have a husband. I got to make dinner. She wants

me at that meeting. She wants me to get there early. She wants me to make coffee, but I did it.

I did everything she told me to do. And I would say within three weeks I started to feel better.

I was showing up for my kids. I was doing the laundry. I was folding the laundry and I was

putting the laundry away. I was doing homework with my kids. I was not burning their meals. I

was, there was literally a meal on the table and there was something inside of me. I even felt like

I looked different. Like I looked healthy. I never showered when I was drinking. And cause that takes

time out of my drinking. I only have so much time between the time my kids are at school and they

come home. Although I drank when they got home anyway. So I don't know if that theory was better.

So I had to do these steps and I got into my four step, you know, one, two, and three. I already

knew that I was an alcoholic long before and step one, you know, and I found a concept of God that

worked for me at the time and it evolves all the time. It changes, you know, I have it pasted in

front of my 12 and 12 and it's changed forms many different times, but I do have a God of my

understanding and I do call God instead of higher power, whatever it is. I mean, whatever your jam

is, it can be doorknob. I don't care. But I did understand that there was something greater than

me out there because I looked around this room and I knew you guys were all happy and you're healthy

and you looked good and you showered and you were laughing and, and I'm like, there's gotta be

something to this. And nobody ever told me I had to do anything. It was merely a suggestion. So that

kind of got me too. I was like, that whole control thing people talk about. I'm like, nobody's telling

me to do anything around here. They're merely offering advice. They're suggestions. Would you

like some advice? Would you like a suggestion? And I'm like, okay, sure. You know, it's like,

all right, I'll make the coffee at that meeting. I mean, I already did it for a year, but I'll do

it. You know, and in my fourth step, I waited on it for like two years. So I don't suggest that to

anyone. I was busy. I got sober. I went back to school. I got my master's degree. I had kids too.

I had my kids. I had homework to do. I then had to get, I got a job. I mean, why is she writing

me so much? I mean, she's really got to get it together. She just must be jealous because I went

back and got my master's and she did it. Lo and behold, I get this job and I get fired from this

job. And I'm like, nobody fires me. I'm like the next CEO here. Don't they know? And I got fired

from my character defects at the time. I did not know that I felt sorry for myself. I was a victim,

but I definitely, I know today I got fired. I'd never made it through my steps. I didn't know how

I ticked. I didn't know how I shoot showed up in the world. I got to my fifth step and I was

reading it and there was a couple of things that really stood out and I'd like to talk about these

two things. And there was, there was once in sixth grade, I had a little sweetheart and he would pick

me up for school every day. He would walk past my house and he was shot and killed. It was an

accident. The neighbor kid who was in our grade two they were just messing around with guns and

shot, killed him. And the kid who killed him was on my resentment list. But of course, when we got

to the column as well, it was my part. I didn't have a part. How can I have a part? I mean,

I was in sixth grade, I was destroyed. I mean, I never made, you know, I never called them names,

you know, I never didn't. I'm like, why does she have to keep going back on this? Like,

this doesn't make sense. Like how can I have a part in a guy shooting the kid that I thought

that I was in love with in sixth grade and feeling all this pain? She kept having me go back. And I

really thought that she was just like trying to give me a hard time, you know? Um, and I finally

realized it. And I said, you know what? This is about how I show up in the world. I suck the life

out of the room. Everybody needs to know that I've arrived. So I would go to church. I was born and

raised Catholic. We'd go to church and I would go storming out of the church, running to the bathroom,

crying and the teachers had to come and all my friends and the students came. Are you okay?

Are you okay? Cause it was just about me. I was the only one hurting. Nobody else was hurting.

It was just me. So I needed you all to keep your eye on me and love me through this. Um,

that was eye opening. I'm not the only one that was hurting. Everybody was hurting. Everybody was

hurting, but I needed to make sure I was the center of attention. And this went on for awhile. This

went on for like the whole school year. Um, that was really eye opening to me and gave me something

to look at. Um, another out of the, you know, some of my inventory, these two are really important to

me. The second one is I had a bully when I was in eighth grade, I was at a girlfriend's house. A

bunch of us girls, the boys were on the phone. They started to tickle me and I peed my pants.

Uh, not a good look when you're in eighth grade and the boys are on the phone and guess what my

new name was on Monday. It was Patty. I didn't have any boyfriends in eighth grade. Um, so it

was super demoralizing. And then another kid from another school would specifically come to my school

and wait for me to leave so he could screen this. So everybody knew that was my name. So I got smart

and I was like, I'm taking off this way. He'll never see me. And that's it. Okay. Sponsor. How

do I have a part in a bully bullying? Please tell me, because this is, you're not going to find it.

I don't have a part in any of this. I was harmed by this kid. I was a cadet. I was supposed to be

on the corner every day, uh, when school got out and I was supposed to help kids cross the street.

I didn't do that. I ran away. I went home and I took a different way. So I had a commitment

and I failed to show up for that commitment. And I failed to tell anybody that I wasn't going to do

that commitment. And I didn't get it covered. Um, I never told anybody I kept it inside and

kept all these feelings stuffed inside of me. And it just tore me and ate my soul apart. And

I just was demoralized. And I would cry in my room alone. I wouldn't tell my mom. I didn't

tell my sister. I didn't tell the teacher. I didn't tell anybody. I just lived with this. Um,

and there were people that I could tell and I could trust. Um, but I chose not to, I'm going

to take this on all by myself, all by myself. I'm going to take this on. That was very interesting

for me too, because yet again, you know, here I am, how am I showing up in the world? How am I,

how, how, how was my behavior? What am I doing? You know, um, those things were really, really,

really eye-opening for me. The fifth step was, um, it did not give me that spiritual experience that

I've heard in these rooms where, Oh my God, I did my fifth step. I went home. I took the book off

the shelf. I got on my knees. I opened my window. All of a sudden this butterfly came in. I mean,

it was midnight, but the butterfly came in and Oh my God, it was God. I know it was God. I know.

And I was like, that did not happen for me. So did I miss something or what the heck?

That's just, that wasn't my experience. I did feel a huge load off my back. Um, but my spiritual

experience started to come in, not that I didn't have one then it came in small spurts. Right. But

it was when I started my immense process. And, um, of course my first immense went fantastic.

So I was like, let's just do them all right now. I'm going to call all these people and Oh no,

that's not how we do it. My sponsor is great. We wrote it on a note card. Um, so I didn't divert

from, you know, or the feeling, sorry. It's like, I was wrong because, you know, um, and you know,

then going through life, right. 10, 11, and 12. It's like, how am I living my life? I took my son

once to a doctor game many years ago and, um, it was bobblehead night and, uh, his bottlehead was

broken and I was good and angry. So I went up there and I said to the guy, I need a new

bobblehead. And he said, you're going to have to go back over there. You don't have to get a ticket

and they're going to give you this thing. And then they'll sit down. No, no, you don't understand.

I want the bubble head. So I made sure that I was, I could demoralize him as much as I could

and demasculate him and make him feel really horrible about his life. And I got my bobblehead

someone sat back down by my son and I was, and I couldn't stop thinking in my head, how I treated

that. Like, Oh my, if my son would have saw my behavior and then I'm looking around going,

did anybody see me this way? Um, and I texted my friend and I said, Hey, this is what happened. I

said, what do I do? I'm like, do I go pick him as right now? She goes, well, do you want to drink

and die? You know, I don't. She said, well, then you need to go make a mess. And I was like, right

now. And she said, yeah, right now. And I said, okay. So I went up there and I made a mess to him

and I said, it was wrong. And I shouldn't have done that. You know, we had, he goes, you know,

I can't believe that you did that. He said, you know how people treat me here all the time.

He's like, and the fact that you came here and, and, and apologize to me, you know, and, um, I

said, well, you know, deserve to be treated that way. You know? Um, and that's how I live my life

today. I'm hoping now in 12 years, like those can be smaller and smaller, you know, timeframes in

between, but I am not perfect. Um, I had a friend of mine about a year and a half ago, uh, passed

away from pancreatic cancer. Um, we all rallied around her when we found out and, um, I was one

of the people on the list to sleep over. So every Saturday night for a year, I slept at her house.

Um, and we, we learned a lot about each other during that time. It was probably one of the most

intimate friendships I've ever had. And she would say to me, am I going to die? I said,

I don't know. I don't know. I'm not God. You know, all we have is right here right now.

And I brought my program to that relationship. And, um, when it was time for her to go, um, she

made it about a year. Um, I w I had the honor to be with her that, that last weekend, I was the only

one with her and I had to lift her into bed and we just had the most intimate moments of me rubbing

her head. And I guess I was making her feel very safe, you know, in a way that I didn't know. Um,

my dad had, my father-in-law had pancreatic cancer and I showed up for him, but I was drunk.

Every time I went to that hospital, I was drunk because I had to be drunk to show up for that.

So it made me proud to know that my father-in-law could see me really showing up. Um, and she left

this earth, her vessel stayed, her soul took flight. And I was on one side of her, her

boyfriend, her mother, and her best friend. And I got to hold onto her and I got to tell her how

important she was for me. All those people around her could not speak. They were all so scared. And

one of the girls was going in and out, you know, and I was like, I know exactly what you're doing,

girl. Like you're going to get yourself a little better, you know? Um, and I was able to, to talk

to her and she had moved her head and right before she left, she said you to me. And, uh, at 11 o'clock

on the dot PM, she, she passed and the patient advocate said, that's the most beautiful, beautiful

display of love that I've ever seen. Um, a person gets to have before departing this earth, you know,

and what an honor I got to be a part of that, you know? Um, and I got to earn her trust, you know,

at such a sensitive time in her life. Um, and her daughter plays volleyball. So she comes into town

and we go see a whole bunch of girls and people, we just go see the daughter play and we cheer her

on. And I'm still very close with her mother and check in with them. Um, I would have missed all,

you know, if I was drunk and it was just all about me, me, me, me, me, me, me going through this,

the steps with a sponsor right now, you know, when I, you know, you circle, I doctor's opinion,

I, I, I, me, me, me, me, my, my, my, my. And she's like, why are we circling all this? And I'm like,

you're going to figure it out. Like, you know, cause it is crazy in the book how it's like that,

right? I mean, me, me today, the way I live my life is what can I do for you? It's about what I

can do for you. It's not about me, my life. I have three children and I have the most amazing

relationship with my kids. My kids love me and they trust me and they're all thriving on their

own. I don't pay credit for it at all. I do give my husband a great deal of credit because that man

will go to work. He will come home. I will go to meetings. He would make sure that they were in the

bathtub. They were, they, they were all set and taken care of. And don't you worry about it

saying, and in over 12 years, my husband never said to me, do you really have to go to that

meeting tonight? He just let me go to that meeting. And he knew that our family was changing. And I'm

very grateful for that because I could have really blown that too, you know? And so I have a daughter

who just got married this year. I have a grand dog and I love him so much. I have a son in college.

He's away, but I just drove him back in August and we had the best time just hanging out and bonding.

And my oldest daughter went to, she was living her best life in the back seat, sleeping and reading.

They were like, why did she come? Um, but we had a great time and, and, and my, my youngest daughter

is still at home and she's, you know, figuring things out. Um, and my kids are happy. They're

happy, you know, and, and, and I always check in with them on that, you know, I don't care what

they do. They can do whatever they want. It's their life. I'm just merely a guide on the side,

you know, cheering them on and being their cheerleader, but I don't control them. I don't

tell them what I think they should do. I don't tell them, um, you know, uh, what they should be

majoring in or what they shouldn't be. I'm just right here and whatever. Same thing with my

daughter's wedding. I said, I'm right here for you, whatever you need, you just let me know.

I'm going to let you run your show. And I know that you're going to need money. You just tell me

when. And other than that, you know, I was a very good part of her wedding and she had me do a lot

of stuff. That's because I knew how to just step back, close my mouth and wait to be asked for

something to do. Um, and it was, it was absolutely beautiful wedding shortly after her wedding. I,

uh, I went into a little bit of a dark place. Um, I, I, uh, you know, over 12 and a half years

of sobriety, right. And I tell you all these amazing, lovely things, but I got to this point

where I was just like, I don't know, there's something inside. I don't, I don't feel so good.

Like I feel very disconnected. Um, and I always know when I'm feeling disconnected,

especially from God, but I don't know that right away. So you'll find me at the native American

spirit store on, uh, Barbara and Ventura. They have a ton of beads, their bracelets, everything.

So you'll find me in there and I'm like, what does the red one do? What does the green one do? What

does the black one do? It's like, Oh, Kay, you know, when I'm walking out, like I'm healed because

I got every color node of the mind of man on me, you know? And I always know when I'm seeking and

I'm going every other way, but my meetings, my sponsor, you know, uh, doing some step work. And

I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong with going to the American spirit store. It's really

cool. But, um, not replacing that, right. Not replacing that with, with the work, right.

Calling my sponsor and really being honest and letting her know how I feel, you know,

and not being afraid of doing the work, you know, and now, right. As I say, I'm back in the fourth

step, I'll be reading the fifth step next Friday. Um, it happens, you know, it's like,

my life is not perfect and I don't need to beat myself up for it. And, and, you know,

I was telling the sponsor, I was like, you know, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't be,

I shouldn't be this, I shouldn't be that. She goes, stop shinning on yourself. And I was like,

what? I was like, that's pretty cool. That's right. We shouldn't shouldn't on ourselves. Um,

it's okay. I can feel my feelings, you know, and, and, um, and again, like I say, I mean,

I know what I'm getting separated from God because I'm, I'm searching, you know, I'm online,

you know, you know, Deepak Chopra, he's gonna yell me. Oh my God. He's having this great weekend

getaway for $8,000. I should probably do that. You know, it's like, it's all in here and it's

all with God and it's all with the sponsor. Um, and I'm, I'm, I'm kind of experimenting on things

lately too, of just like minimalist trying to be like, just minimal, minimal life. I don't need,

I don't need anything because you know, when I know that I'm in the mall and I'm out shopping,

like I have my daughter for something right. And it's just like, Ooh, I want this and I want that.

And when I'm in the mall and I'm, I don't feel anything I don't need, I don't want,

and I don't need anything. To me, I must be centered right here, right? Because I don't

need anything else to make me feel okay. Um, and so I'm, I'm actually experimenting with that right

now. Just this minimalist approach to life, get up my gratitude list. I currently don't own a car

right now and I've never felt better in my life. I was sitting in my, my place a couple, about a

month ago and I, I get a sty on my eye, like maybe every few years and I wake up and I look like a

cyclops and I can't leave the house. You know, I, you know, I don't own a car and I'm like sitting

and I'm on my computer and I'm looking around and just this feeling of gratitude came over me and

I'm like, wow, I, I, I, I, I feel very blessed right now. You know, and I had texted my friend

cause I usually go to this meeting on Monday and I was like, they're probably don't want me there

right now. Cause probably they got a pink eye and I'm going to give it to the whole place or

whatever, you know? So it's like, we have to be so much more careful about with COVID. It's like,

what's wrong with you? And so I sent him a picture of my face and I was just like, you know,

I can't come, you know, I got this, this weird thing. And I said, I've never felt so grateful

lately in my life. I said, I'd like a, like a minion, you know, I'm like, I don't own a car.

Work is not that busy right now. I don't have a lot of income coming in. I'm so happy. My life is,

you know, that's just suiting up, showing up and doing the work. You know, I'm here,

I'm here right now. And, and God, I don't know what God has planned for me. You know,

I just have to suit up, show up and do the next indicated action, but he is my employer.

So I have no control over what happens. I can suit up, show up and think that I know the way

it's going to turn out. It might not turn out that way, but that's okay. Cause that's what my God

wanted it to be. So I am going to close with that. I thank you guys very much for having me. It's

such a chill meeting. I'll love it. Thank you so much for your lead. I identified a great deal.

And yeah, let's not take ourselves so seriously. Thank you.

Thank you. Great job. I relate to you. I was not housewife.