Lee's 25-Year Sobriety Journey: From College Chaos to Recovery

My name is Lee. I'm an alcoholic. Good to be here tonight. Thank you, Karen, for asking

me. Very much appreciated. Thanks for having me. Quality of life. Wow. I knew you'd do

that. You know, I think I spoke this meeting about five years ago when it was over another

location. Remember that chant that you guys do? I don't remember that. So maybe it was

me, maybe it wasn't. Um, to qualify, I have been sober. I took a cake on September 6th

for 25 years. That includes weekends, nights, you know, etc. No drugs either. And I still

consider myself a newcomer in this thing. And thanks, Abraham, for that share. That

was brought me back, brought back some memories to me when I was newer. You know, I really

struggled with this thing, you know, and welcome to the newcomers. You know, my first sponsor

told me it's going to be a wild ride. It's going to be like a roller coaster at the beginning,

but eventually it's going to level out. Life is going to get better. Now I was a hard case,

so I fired that sponsor in about a week because I didn't listen very well. So I'm one of those

guys who didn't get this right away. It took me a while, but I wish I had this crystal

ball to show you what life was like when I was drinking and what it's like now. You know,

I really hope I can describe it to you guys because it's so different. I never expected

to have the life that I have today. Never did. You know, I grew up middle class, nothing

special about my family. We grew up in Woodland Hills. I have a brother and a sister. Never

saw my parents ever pick up a drink. Never saw them pick up a cigarette. Went to private

schools. Who would have thought? You know, who would have thought? You know, my sister

is a raging alcoholic. She beat me to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous by several

years. And then I found these rooms. You know, I went to college, University of California

at San Diego, and I had some roommates and those roommates introduced me to drugs. You

know, and so it was a cool thing to do, you know, to be a college crowd, you know, take

a couple of hits on this, take a couple of hits on that. You know, I remember one of

my first drinking experiences. You mentioned one of your first. I remember one of my first.

It was, we were off campus. We had an apartment and I had three roommates and we're just kind

of shooting it around. We're getting high and all that stuff, you know, and a couple

of girls are around. I wanted to act more than I was, you know, and so I told my roommates,

you can mix anything in that kitchen, any alcohol, anything with it, and I'll drink

it and it won't affect me because I'm a big time drinker. Look at me, you know, and so

they proceeded to take me up on it, you know, and so they were throwing vodka, gin, bourbon,

milk. I think peanut butter was thrown in there. God knows what was thrown in there.

It was a nasty drink. I mean, just nasty. But you know, if you're an alcoholic like

me, you know, you got to drink it, right? You got to drink it, no matter how bad it

tastes. And so I drank the whole thing and I said, excuse me. I went outside to get some

fresh air, came back inside and everybody was laughing. I'm like, what's the joke? And

they said, don't you know? You went outside, you passed out for two and a half hours and

you came back inside. I'm like, what are you talking about? So I'm an alcoholic that passes

out. I like to overdo things, but I didn't really reach my height of alcoholism for many

years after that. I just did a lot of drugs, a lot of drugs, and somehow I made it through

college and somehow, you know, because of my education, I don't know why, but I paid

attention, I guess, in school. And I went to, as I mentioned, private schools. I went

to UC San Diego, so I had this, I was a great interviewer, you know, I could put on a suit,

get in front of you, say the right things, you know, and more times than not, you'd give

me an opportunity, you know? So in my mind, I guess I'm thinking the interview, once I

get it, it's over because then I just wouldn't report to work, right? And so my wife and

I, we weren't married at that time, but she, she loves to talk about this. I must have

gone through 20 jobs in three, four years. Mink is really good at getting the job, you

know, just not good at the execution of that. It's like when I first got to AA, you know,

how people hand you phone numbers and such, I'd have all these slips, pieces of paper,

guys that wanted to help me with my phone numbers, with their phone numbers, et cetera.

Really good at getting the phone numbers, just not good at the execution, right? Because

those phone numbers eventually would go in the drawer and I would have, God, I don't

know how many. And my wife, the great Al-Anon she is, you know, at that time she was starting

to get her recovery, but she would, when she would get nervous about, you know, my drinking

on those pieces of paper would make them make the way out of the drawer and go like onto

a counter and then they'd get on my desk somehow, you know? So she was trying to urge me, you

know, and the great program of Al-Anon taught her eventually to detach that this guy's going

to have to find his own way, you know, no matter how much she wants. You know, the people

that are closest to us, right, pay the biggest price. They really do, you know, because they

love us so much and they want to do whatever they can. And so like my wife, you know, she

thought she wasn't pretty enough because I wouldn't stop drinking. I didn't love her

enough because I wouldn't stop drinking, you know, and the great program of Al-Anon taught

her had nothing to do with that. I had this disease and until I found recovery, that disease

took over my life. So, you know, so I finally dumped the drug thing. My mom actually was

in a head nurse and she was starting a program called Narcotics Anonymous. And so I started

going. I went to five, six, seven meetings. I don't know, a handful of meetings. I got

the message, stopped doing the drugs and thought I was recovered. You know, I didn't hear about

you might substitute one for another. You got to keep going. You're never fully recovered.

Didn't hear those messages. All I heard, hey, I'm not doing it anymore. I don't need you

because it's still all about me. Right. I don't need you. So I kept my interview process

going and found a good job. And I found out that since I wasn't doing the drugs and I

wasn't lazy and paranoid, the things that come around that world, I was able to start

working and start doing what I was being paid to do as a good employee. And I started becoming

fairly successful doing it. But I also found that drinking with the team after work was

very enjoyable. And so I started drinking, you know, and eventually started substituting

the drugs with the alcohol and it was getting worse and worse and worse. I remember Woodley

Park, Woodman Park, the park off of Van Nuys Boulevard. There's a big park there like Riverside

and Van Nuys Boulevard. I was out drinking with my team at a bar, of course, and one

of my female colleagues proceeded to tell me, just hang on here, that I was overweight.

Now we're very, I don't know if you know this about, but we're very sensitive about things.

How dare you call me over even though I was really overweight at the time. How dare you

call me overweight? So I proceeded to tell her that she wasn't, I'm going to try to put

it in the nicest terms possible. She wasn't well endowed. She didn't, she wasn't very

happy about that. And so this ended up about three hours later, about one o'clock in the

morning I believe, into a 100 yard dash in the park to see who was more physically in

shape for all this drinking. We do crazy things when we drink, right? And they're funny today.

They're not funny when they happen. So we, there were people around us and I remember

a guy that I was really close to said, I was wearing a suit by the way, you know, that

I was just came from work to the bar and started drinking. You better stretch, novel idea.

Better stop smoking. And I proceeded to tell him I can be here no matter what, don't worry

about it. And I remember it was also pretty cold at night. And so went into this hundred

yard dash. I did take the jacket off, but I was wearing the tie still and I was wearing

the dress shoes and all that. And about 30 yards into that race, I felt this immense

pain in my leg, in my foot. And I went crashing down and it turned out I ruptured my Achilles.

Now, now I know it's, but this is all it took to get me here, right? So there's a happy

ending to all this. I want everybody to know, cause this is important to me. We're still

very sensitive even though we're in recovery, right? I was winning that race at the 30 yard

mile. I had her, I just had to stay on my feet. Oh man, the things that happened to

us, you know, and, um, you know, I got married and the drinking, um, was getting worse and

worse. And finally, you know, my wife kicked me out, you know, I was living it actually

in her condominium at the time it was hers. And she just walked in one day and said, I

need you to be gone, you know? And so, um, and so I left, you know, um, and I started

doing better and I started like climbing the food chain at the business I was in and good

things were happening and she had heard about it and it was her birthday. And so, so why

don't we just go out for your birthday, sexy happy birthday. And we got together again

and we've been together ever since, uh, 33 years or so. Um, but you know, we're, we're

sensitive. We're also pretty smart because I thought that came in my mind was I don't

want to go back to her place where she can kick me out again like that because it's her

place. She owns it. So I had a proposition for her. Let me buy into it. Let me buy 50%

into it. So I own half of it, figuring it, make it harder for her to kick me up. Cause

I wasn't done with drinking. I wasn't done. And she agreed to it. So I owned half of it.

And so my drinking, you know, just spiraled out of control. And, and, and I remember getting

to my first meeting of alcohol synonymous. So my sister had gotten there years before

me. She was a violent, violent alcoholic, a lot of problems with the police. And so

we draw these lines, you know, my line was not really a violent alcoholic. I drink in

excess. I'll admit that, but I'm not violent. I don't get in trouble with the police. There

for, I can't really be an alcoholic. Cause the alcoholics that's what happens to them

or they're unemployed and they're on the street. These stereotypes that we have, you know,

sometimes as we grow up of what a real alcoholic is, you know, since I didn't have drinking

in the family, I had a grandmother, by the way, it was a terrible alcoholic. I didn't

know at the time, but I didn't know these things, you know, so, um, eventually, uh,

went out, um, got arrested. I got a DUI about, uh, show where I live. There's a private gate

in these houses and all I go to the private gate, right. The private gate, I got a DUI,

you know, some guy, um, I don't know if he caused the accident because he tried to extort

money from me or what it doesn't really matter. Point is I got a DUI, went to jail. I got

out on my own connoisseurs in the morning and, uh, my sister and her boyfriend showed

up, said, you need to go to alcohol synonymous. So I went to my first meeting, they ate the

valley club, uh, not where it's at now when it was, um, Tampa. Thanks. That's like for

you. Anyway, it was sitting in that room and I remember looking around the room and Sam

stuff. I'm not like these guys and girls like this, you know, I just, I'm a smart guy. I

just got to figure it out. You know, there has to be some formula here where I can drink,

you know, and work and still have my marriage intact. But there has to be this formula and

I'm going to be the guy that figures it out, you know, and I tried to figure it out for

the first two years. And boy, I got to tell you, that was a miserable two years because

I don't know if you guys have heard, I heard that a rex you're drinking boy wreck my drinking.

I was a happy go lucky, you know, I'm in the bars, I'm in the clubs type of guy. Now I'm

sitting and just crying in my drinks for whatever the reasons are. I'm a sad alcoholic, you

know, and I can't seem to get this thing. And people that, um, I've been going to meetings

with, you know, I always went to meetings late, by the way, I don't know that trick,

you know, go a little bit late. You don't have to associate too much with the people

in that meeting. You leave a little early, you know, you kind of cut it loose a little

bit and all instead of getting right in the midst of it. You know, that was my, one of

my favorite tricks. So, you know, I, you know, I am going to meetings with these guys and

all, but they're, they're getting time and I'm not, I'm still getting 30, 60 days. We

used to have a meeting. I don't know if they still do a plat big meeting on Friday night

at a church. I used to hate that meeting. And the reason I hated it was because it was

a 60 day routine. If you're newer than 60 days, you got to stand up. And there's at

that time there were a couple of hundred people there, right? I was standing up like it seemed

like every fricking week, you know, cause I couldn't get 60 days, get 30, I get 45 and

I'm back to being a newcomer. I get 30, just humbling, very humbling, very demoralizing.

And I just thought, you know, that fun has gone in life. I don't know if newcomers, all

newcomers think that I sit in meetings and I hear guys that come in and say, Hey, when

I went to my first eight meetings, I felt at home. I heard the message. I felt like

one of them. I didn't feel that at all. I felt just the opposite, just the opposite.

And so the message here more than anything is hope. Cause I really believe if I can get

this thing, anybody can, I mean, seriously, anybody can. So, you know, I'm going around

and about and then I had the spiritual awakening as I call it. I had just gone to a Friday

night meeting at the Friday night meeting. I had no plan. I went to a liquor store after

the meeting, got a bottle of vodka, got drunk off my ass, was thinking about doing a geographic.

I won't get into too many details there. It wasn't pretty. And the one thing I did right

was I had a donut commitment at the Valley Club and I had that donut commitment. They

extended it cause I was special and figured I needed it. I had that donut commitment for

over a year. And that, cause I'm in the business world. So when you make, you know, when you

make a commitment like that, you, you really have to stand up to it. Cause that's how I

was successful in business. So, so no matter what, I kept making that donut commitment

to the point where the old timers would seek me out and say, okay, next Saturday morning,

cause it was a Saturday morning, early meeting. This is what I want. This is my donut order.

So I have these paper bags of donuts for the old timers that would pass out with their

donuts. And then it was like four or five dozen cause it's a huge meeting. Huge. I missed

it. I missed it. Friday night, got drunk, drank all hours in the morning, missed it.

I said, fuck it. I'm sorry. You guys have a law here. I rule here. I think I have to

put some money in something. So let me know what that penalty is. Um, screw it. Um, and,

uh, and two members, um, that go to that meeting knew I was in trouble and they came to my

house and they sat with me the entire weekend, you know? And right then and there I said

to myself, you're either in this thing cause it's driving you crazy. You're just a miserable

SOB. You're either in it or you're out. That's it. You can't tread this line anymore. It's

not working for two years. It hasn't worked at all. And so I decided one more time to

come back to AA, but to do the suggestions and to do it the way that people have been

telling me to do it. Um, but I haven't done it. I'm far from perfect. I didn't do my steps

for five years. Yeah, I know. Five years. I wouldn't recommend that to anybody, but

that is my story. You know, because I'm obstinate, I'm stubborn. I still think I know the right

way to do it. Right. And when I finally got that sponsor that said, if I'm going to sponsor

you doing your steps and you're starting your steps right now, you know, I needed that type

of guidance. What a release, what freedom, you know? Um, but I went back to AA. I found

what I consider the best offense to this group by the way. Right. But I found, I think the

best home group around. Right. It's I know, but you know, if you don't feel that way about

your meeting, then it might not be the right meeting for it. I feel that way about my need.

Right. It's a men's stag meeting every Tuesday and Thursday at St. Mark's church. I think

you had a speaker of Brett who was here several weeks ago. I saw Brett when he first came

in the rooms, et cetera. You're a great guy. He's moving out of the area, unfortunately.

But um, I found this group and I started doing what they told me to do. You know, um, they,

they knew I was off since they kind of went, they tread lightly around me, but I needed

the men to really call me on my stuff, you know? And, um, and I haven't had a drink since.

I mean, that's a miracle, right? I mean, wow. You know, we say it's simple and everything's

out front of you. It's big book, you know, steps, you know, working with others and we

all talk about it. Um, but it's not easy because as an alcoholic, I don't want to be told what

to do. And even as a recovering alcoholic, I've gotten better over the years. I don't

know if that's age or being in the program of AA for a while. I've gotten a lot better

about being told what to do, but, uh, if my wife was here, she would maybe not be agreeing

with that. I'm not sure. Um, but you know, I remember when I was newer and I would go

to meetings and it'd be somebody up at the podium, you know, she had a podium here, um,

up at the podium saying, it's all in the big book. You've got to read the big book cover

to cover, know it left and right. And I know people that say it's all in the steps. I worked

those steps, you know, people say it's working with others, you know, um, getting that spiritual

contact and getting your higher power and all that. Well, for me, at least I didn't

talk in terms of me. Um, it was a combination of those things. I had to find the right combination

for me for somebody else. It might be more meetings, somebody else. It might be they

get on their knees five times a day. You know, you have to find the right combination. I

had to find the right combination for me that allowed me to go out there in this world and

be able to be fairly normal. But the key is not being, not having to pick up a drink.

That's the key. No matter how, you know, and we all go through it. Life's good. Life's

not so good. Life's happy. Life's sad. Oh gosh, I just got laid off. Whatever the case

may be, whatever happens to us, if you're an alcoholic like me, one day I cannot afford

to do is to pick up that drink because I, uh, I was a scout for a long time and I came

back to meetings, a lot of arrows in me, you know, um, and I tried every which way, you

know, to try to defeat this on my own. And the only thing I found that works is this.

So if you're new or you go out and scout, you know, and try it, but I'm telling you,

it's this, this works. We were reading a vision for you. I, my Thursday night is a big book

study and we were doing a vision for you. And I love just reading about the history,

how it started word of mouth and social media and I don't want the tools we have today.

Word of mouth. And the reason it grew initially was success because people were able to stay

sober when nothing else worked. And that's the key. This is it. I went through a lot

of sponsors by the way, last house on the block, you know, last house on the block for

me at least, you know, and so my life, I have about 10 minutes I think. Let's talk about,

let's talk about my life, you know, how it's changed, you know? It's a movie with Jack

Nicholson. He just talks about trying to be a better version of himself. You know, how

many times I look at the mirror on the outside. Yeah. You can put on a suit, you can put on

a tie and somebody doesn't know you. They look at it and say, okay, you guys be doing

pretty well. On the inside. I was miserable. You know, I would look in a mirror and I did

not like what I saw because I remember I just couldn't do anything without drinking, you

know, and all the commitments I made and promises talks about in the big book. And I made these

promises. My wife and I, we do a lot of couples, um, shares on, she's been in Al-Anon. She's

a great Al-Anon story by far given my recovery. You know, so my Al-Anon wife came to me one

night when I was still drinking and said, I'm going to go to Al-Anon. And I said, I

forbid you. I have never forbid my wife to do anything. I've been the biggest champion,

go out, you know, and conquer whatever you need to conquer, you know, do whatever you

need to do. You know, I support everything, but this case I forbid you. So my wife, the

great Al-Anon she is, she just went, you know, and did it, uh, you know, on the slide, you

know, she did it for a year or something on the slide, you know, and I had no idea cause

she'd go traveling in her business. And when she was out of town, she'd go to Al-Anon meetings.

I had no idea, you know, and I was so busy in my disease. I didn't notice that maybe

she was detaching a little bit more, you know, not getting so involved. You know, I don't

know, you know, I remember when, uh, one week when she came home, I had a one week and gone

crazy, spent a lot of money in bars, buying people drinks. Cause that's how I feel important.

You know, back then I had no other reason to feel important, you know? And so I remember

coming home, I'm like, I'm in a lot of trouble here because we got some credit card bills

coming in and I'll have to be able to explain these ones away, you know? And so, you know,

we're great, you know, on our strategies. And so I said, honey, got some good news and

some bad news. What do you want first? Like, well, give me the good news, Mike. This weekend,

when you were gone, I finally figured out I am an alcoholic. And so she's actually crying

tears of joy, you know, cause our loved ones, she wants what's best for me. What's the bad

news? Well, we might have some credit card bills coming in that might be a little extensive,

but we'll figure out how to get and pay those. Okay. So, um, yeah, so, you know, we're, we're

great at stuff like that, but you know, life has really changed. So I have a relationship

with my wife today. That's built on trust. You know, it was, there wasn't a lot of trust

at the beginning. So by the way, if you had asked me at the beginning of this journey,

Lee, what are your priorities? This is what I would tell. And this is what I did tell

people job number one, because my job, I got to be able to, you know, support my family.

Number two, you know, is my health. And maybe number three is sobriety. Maybe, maybe even

after I started getting some time, that was still my answer in my heart case, you know,

and at some point in time, and I don't know when, I don't know who it was like in the

first two years, three years for some, at some point in time, that whole thing flipped,

you know, it just flipped where now if you ask me sobriety is my number one priority,

number one, you know, you know, family number two, you know, and I can't really talk about

job much anymore, but when I I'm retired, but when I was working job would be number

three because for me, I could always get a job somewhere, you know, but without my sobriety,

I have nothing took me a long time to figure that out. You know, one of the neat things

about getting some sobriety for me is because of my work and my role, I, I didn't have to

keep quiet about it. And so over the many years, a lot of men and some women have come

to me to talk to me about alcoholism. And hopefully I've been able to help, you know,

because it's always been known, you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I never really

wanted to hide that, you know, I came out very quickly, you know, with that, because

I wanted to be accountable, you know, and I figured the days of disappearing and all

that needs to go by the wayside. So very vocal, you know, to, you know, people to work for

me, colleagues, that I'm recovering alcoholic as a result, you know, men have come up to

me, you know, and I've tried to help them, you know, and, and it's not an excuse either,

you know, I've had to be very tough on people who worked for me at times when they haven't

gotten this thing, because it's not an excuse to miss work. It's not an excuse to not perform

and things like that, you know, and it's got, sometimes you have to be tough. So, so my

marriage is built on trust and it wasn't that way at the beginning. My wife called me, "Where

are you?" "Well, I'm at a meeting." "Really?" You know, and then once one week and she called

me, she's out of town, she called me, like, "I just had this dream that you're out drinking.

What's going on? You don't sound good." You know, that type of thing. So I, about two

years into this, I said, "I'll put this to bed." "I deserve it." You know, and listen,

we make our bed. You know, how many times did I tell her I had been drinking, you know,

and I have been drinking, you know, and so you make your bed, you know, so I said, "I'm

going to put this to rest." "I'll do this one time." So this is the time you just tell

me, you got one card on this, I'll go to a lab and get tested. Easy deal, you know, and

she said, "I want you to get tested." I said, "One time." So I went and got tested and of

course I was clean and she didn't trust me like the very next day, you know, it still

took some time for her to really trust me, you know, but she does today, you know, she

does today. I've had family members in the program of AA, you know, my sister and I,

so this is a good story, my sister, and this is, this is a great example of the program

of AA bringing family together. So when my sister was out drinking, well, it was miserable,

she had two kids and I found out she was driving with those two kids in her car while drinking.

Now I'm a drinker too, you know, but to me, again, I haven't, at that point I didn't consider

myself an alcoholic, I was the guy that just drank. So I went through child protection

services and I got custody of those two kids, you know, she hated me, she hated me. My father

disowned me, came to my house one day and said, "You're not my son, you know, the kids

belong with the mother, do what you got to do." You know, so I had those kids for two

years and actually my drinking slowed down a little bit because I was very conscious

about, "You're not going to drink around those kids." So when I was able to, you know, when

my wife watched the kids or one of my sons watched the kids, I'd go out and drink and

I'll find a, "Hey, I'm not going to be around them," but I was still drinking. After two

years, she came to the rooms of AA, she got sobriety, she worked the system like she should,

and I was able to happily give those two kids back to her. Today, my sister and I are very

close and how many times over the years has she thanked me for what I did? Unfortunately,

my father had a heart attack and passed away. We never really closed that bomb, you know,

was just unfortunate. I remember when my father passed away, I went to his wake drunk, went

to his funeral drunk, it was another service, I'd have been drunk. I remember when my mom

passed away and I was in the program with AA, she had cancer, it took two years for

her to pass. I was the sibling that was in the area. I remember going to her chemo meetings,

her doctor meetings, holding her hand for two years, being able to say everything I

needed to say to her and to say my goodbyes. That's the joy of Alcoholics Anonymous, because

without Alcoholics Anonymous, that never would have happened. So there are so many rewards

here and the big book spells out rewards, but there are so many rewards as a direct

result of us getting sober. My life today is, you know, it's not, it's not glamorous.

You may say it's not very exciting, you know, but I tell you it's fulfilling. You know,

I have a wife, great relationship with her. As I mentioned, very trusting. I'm retired.

I hang out with some guys, you know, I go to meetings, you know, I play a lot of golf,

you know, et cetera. It's a great life. It's a life that I never thought through the chaos

of my drinking that I could ever have, you know, cause when you brought me in, when I

was drinking, it was a tornado, just a tornado. You know, we all have our drunkalocks. So,

you know, I owe everything to the program of AA. I owe everything to the guys in my

home group. These guys would do anything for me. Just like I would do anything for them.

And we have over the years, you know, um, this program has made me, you know, a better

when I was working a better colleague, a better boss, you know, a much better boss, a better

husband, better friend, just a better member of society. And let me just say, before we

end this again, I'll go back to, I am so far from being perfect. I have my bad days and

my good days. I have my days. I go off, you know, but the difference is most of the time

I catch myself and most of the time I can become a better person. A lot of times I can

apologize for my actions. This is a guy that when he goes to the store and sees a person

struggling, putting groceries in a car, goes and asks if you'd be assistance. There's a

guy on a plane when an older lady has to try to get her luggage up and nobody's helping

here. It was out of his way saying, ma'am, do you need some help? That's what the program

of AA does for us. You know, I love it. I really, again, thank you so much for letting

me share. It's such a great deal. Again, for newcomers, I wish you had this crystal ball.

You could just like have this glimpse, but this journey is about you, right? You're going

to have to find out for yourselves what this journey is about. I tell you, my experience

says firms of AA, anything is possible. Anything. Thanks for letting me share.