Holly's Journey: From Loneliness to Community in AA

I am Holly Alcoholly, looking at a blank wall. Okay, I am just up. Thank you, Karen, for asking me to come and speak at your meeting. And I just and and I just love Nate, I just loved your pitch. I was taken back to I've been taken back to early AA all day today. I had we had a memorial for Rashid, who died

62 years sober in Hermosa Beach and got to go on zoom and remember recall. And one of the neatest things about this whole thing is, is that if Rashid hadn't stuck around for 62 years, I never could have made it if I didn't stick around. I'm, I'm about what am I over? Well, over 39 years sober, and I have been able to do what I could never have done before.

And that's been of real use in this world. You know, I was not a real use for a very long time. I, I like what you said about that. So the newcomer anyway, the newcomer, I'm so glad that you guys keep coming. I'm glad for when you stay. Otherwise, this thing would have died a long time ago. So you are important. So yeah, so I got sober in Hermosa Beach. It was my second time. The first time had been six years prior.

And it was miserable. I hated every minute of it. I had no idea what you guys were saying. It was a foreign language. I had no hope. I lived in Lancaster, California, and went to the arid club, you know, very dry. And, and everybody was very old. And, um, I mean, like, I was I was pretty young at the time, but it was like, but I, you know, one of the things I went crazy. And I didn't know.

I did not realize that. What I didn't realize is that alcoholism isn't about drinking, not drinking, or drinking. It's not. It was it was a disease. And it was that it was a psychological disorder. And so when I didn't drink, I was restless, irritable, discontent. When I did drink, I was restless, irritable, discontent. And I to the extreme where I couldn't fit inside my skin.

And the only thing when I was up there at 23 years old, or whatever I was, um, and, and I was sober for about nine months. And I picked up a drink again. And I just went, what was I thinking? You know, I wasted a whole nine months of good partying, you know, and it was like, and I swore I'd never darkened the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous again, it didn't work. Right. Um, the thing is, is that it took six years later, I moved down to

Venice, and then I moved over to the South Bay. And, and I don't know what happened, except things got worse. And I was pretty pretty, you know, pretty much sick. I was living in Hermosa Beach. And I lived down by 14 bound by Hennessy's and the lighthouse and all that good stuff. So I'd walk over there and at night, and I would find alcohol and I would find, you know, some guy to, you know, make me feel valid.

Important, or that I was worth something. And, um, one night, I guess, you know, it was what was happening is that, well, I lived with this lady that was, I mean, she, she is great. She's like, Boston Irish, right. And she, she's Marvin Gaye's mother in law. And she was, she looked like Aunt B from, you know, the Andy Griffith Show, she had this bun on her hair, you know, white hair bun, and had

her little dog in her moo moo, and smoked dope did Coke. And, and I just loved her. And she had one nerve left, and I was on it. And that was what she told me, she let me know this. And so I was I was on on the outs with my roommate. And, um, I was not doing so good. You know, I used to like to have at least two guys. So in case one didn't show, which that happened, another would call, and nobody,

nobody. And now I'm starting to hit this wall of loneliness, this incredible, outrageous, the depth that they talk about in the big book on the loneliness. And I remember saying a stupid prayer about help me, you know, like, okay, help me. And the neck, I went out that night to the bar, like I always did. Because Peter never called. And I've never seen, well, anyway, I'll get that. But anyway, Peter never called. So I went over to the bar, and I met

another guy. And we were out walking on the pier, and I'm going, I'm telling him just how miserable my life is, and what a victim and all that kind of stuff, you know, and going on and on and on. And he looked at me, he goes, What do you think your problem is? And I said, I know what my problem is. I'm an alcoholic. And he says, instead of feeling sorry for me, he says, Well, then you know what to do about it. You know, I don't think I gave him my number, I went home. It's like, this was not a guy

for me. And I just didn't even why would he say that to me? That was so rude. And the next day, Peter call, and he said, Would you like to go out with me tonight? And apparently, so I am all excited. I'm going out with Peter, we're going out on a date. And he drives us to the Hermosa Beach Alano Club. And he goes, Oh, I got a DUI, and I'm required to go to a meeting. And so I think I'm going on a date, and I end up

back in Alcoholics Anonymous. So I never saw Peter again, he dropped me and ran. And that's kind of my story. You know, I mean, it's like, what's wrong with me, you know, one more time, but, but something happened, there was something going on there this time. Um, this time, um, there was a meeting I understood, and Nate said it that language of the heart, you know, and there was a woman's meeting the next day or whatever. And, and one woman was talking

about how she was crying about somebody being jealous about her. And then another woman

had just come back from, um, she had ran off to get married to somebody and came back married

to somebody else. And it was like, hysterical, and I love them. These were my people, all of a

sudden, they got me I really, you know, and April walked me home that day that, you know, she walked

me to because I didn't live very far from the Alana club. And, um, but she walked me home. And years

later, I always heard that that that's what we are about Alcoholics Anonymous is just walking each

other home. And I love that because that's what happened. That was the appeal. Um, Rashid was my

first sponsor. He had about 23 years sober married. And I was in I don't know, I was in the habit of

adopting people. I didn't have a family of my own other than I was a single mom of one daughter. And

so I kept looking for people that liked me, you know, and, and so, um, and he, he met me where

I was at 23 years sober, he was, he didn't go, Oh, I can't sponsor you. You're a woman, you know,

thank God, because nobody was safe for me, except that person is this gentleman is a French Algerian.

And, um, and he was he met me where I was and had me do, you know, four step and, and it was

basically 40 pages, single space type written about how they did it to me. And I read it to him.

And he said something about, you know, that she'd make a good book. And I agreed. But it was like,

it is what it did was unload unload. But later I, you know, I was I stayed in a I loved it. I went

to the risk slasher meetings at midnight, I was secretary at one point, I went to the attitude

adjustment at 630am. And I look like I'd been drinking all night because I've been up all night.

I did not look a vision for you. I was not a vision sober. And but I was I was sober. And

but one of the things I had trouble with was understanding the first step, I really thought

that I had made a decision to come in day a that I somehow, you know, had the power of choice. Now,

they talked about powerlessness. And then they would talk about what do you do to stay sober,

you know, which was kind of contradictory to me, I was having a little bit of difficulty with all

that. So I just took credit. And so I, you know, the boss of myself, and you're not the boss of me.

And so it was hard for anybody to tell me what to do. The humility came when I first took direction

from somebody. And, but I didn't do that very often or very well. And, and it showed in my

sobriety. I was probably, you know, I was starting to get around six years sober or something and

very uncomfortable. I had heard in meetings, you just work the steps once I work the steps,

you know, like a buffet, I took what I wanted and left the rest, you know, and did a little bit,

the only amends I made were the ones I got caught in, you know. And, but it was, it was,

it was a half-assed attempt, and it showed. And my life was a failure, I would, you know, and I,

and I just didn't understand that I didn't understand until somebody sat down with the

big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and we started going through and they, what they did is they

started turning the statements into questions. Was this true for me? Was this true for me?

I had to have somebody take me through that had been taken through this way, because the book was

like, I swear to God, it was like Charlie Brown's teacher, you know, I mean, I had been secretary

of a big book study and I didn't have a clue what it was saying because it wasn't talking to my

head, it was talking to my heart. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a transition. It's

transportation, it's transmissible. I can't begin, I don't even know what happens, but something

took me, you know, but I was willing to be taken. And, and when I followed what this person, this,

this step guide had me do every step of the way, something transformational happened. And I started

to see that this first step thing wasn't about my power at all, that this was about, I really

had lost, you know, like, like they talk about, it's step one is about mind, body, and spirit.

And is what had happened is when I was about a year sober, or not even a year sober, I had

gone on a camping trip with a bunch of drinkers, old friends, and no big deal, you know, they knew

I was sober, not a not a thing. And we think Lori, you are, I'm hearing something in the background

there. Um, can you mute there, Lori? Anyway, so, um, I'll try to the so I went, let's see what

happened. So I went on this camping trip with these people. And, um, like I said, no big deal,

they knew where I was in a, we went to the, we came back, and, and then we went to the American

Legion for lunch. And I walked in, and I walked up to the bar, and I said, scotch and water, please.

And I didn't even know I said it, you guys. I didn't know I said it. The people that were

on the side of me all turned around in unison, and went, No, you know, and two of them had never

even seen me drink. I don't know what their, you know, what their problem was. But there was a,

but there was something that was what it was like bending over and tying my shoe. And then I

understood what the, when they talk about cunning, baffling and powerful with this was, I really got

it scared the shit out of me, sorry, scared me to death. And, um, I got in and I started listening

to what people were saying. And other another thing is that I really didn't think that I had

the phenomenon of craving, which is body. Um, the, you know, the body was, I thought it was DTS,

you know, I mean, this is how, and I'm not stupid, but this is how my ego works. It will find a way

out. I'm different. I'm not the same as you. And, um, that's what the disease wants. It thinks it

can, it can live without a body sort of guy. It wants us drunk. And, and everything that I do,

um, from the ego is what Nate talked about, selfish, self-centered, all that kind of stuff.

And that's all about getting back to that drink. But anyway, so I was, um, I, I was looking at this,

the, uh, Dr. Silkworth talking about the phenomenon of craving and it was what he said is

that basically, and I'm not doing it exactly right, but if I ever drank more than what I

set out and I intended to drink, um, that I'm not a normal drinker if ever now that didn't make a

lot of sense to me until I started remembering that I used to go out for happy hour after work

and I had a babysitter and I had to be home at a certain time. And if you hooked me up to a lie

detector test, I would have been home by eight. I absolutely would have, and no, I wasn't going

to be drunk. But once I got a couple in me, I didn't realize that it was no long. I just thought

I changed my mind, right? I just, I mean, everybody's having fun. They love me. They want

me here. You know, I look great, you know, and I didn't start looking better and better as I got

blurrier and blurrier. Funny how that works. It works on zoom too, by the way. Um, but the, uh,

the thing about it is like, I didn't, I didn't recognize what they meant, um, that that was

alcoholism until I was almost 12 years sober. And by then I was, um, pretty crazy and I was sober

and I was on my way out and I talked to a friend of mine. I said, I don't really know what to do.

You know, it's like, I just need a way out. And she said, what do you mean by that? I said,

I don't know, suicide. And she said, well, what makes you think you'd feel any better without a

body? I, that kind of got my attention, you know, it's like, well, maybe not suicide. Maybe I need

to drink, you know? And, um, and it was really funny. I mean, that's what I said in my head,

not to her. I'd never tell that to another alcoholic. They might talk me out of it. Um,

but I, uh, I called a friend April, that woman that walked me home that day, she had drank after

seven years and she couldn't get sober again. She had drank after 12 years. I'm sorry. And she

couldn't get sober again. And I saw that and I was 12 years sober and I, and I talked to her and I

said, um, uh, you know, I'm not sure. I think maybe I need to drink too. And she goes, oh no,

don't. She goes, you might not make it back. And you know, it took her another what, 12 years to

get back something like that. But she wasn't, you know, for some reason that because I was on this

side of, um, I was just on a dry drunk. I wasn't on a wet drunk. Something could get in. And that

was, that was my hope. That was always my thing is that no matter what I went through, there was

a way through and, you know, um, and that somebody else had been there. There was a community here

that, you know, shared their experience, strength and hope that no, I could get through anything.

And if I picked up a drink that that connection, you know, that opening, that hope would be

completely gone. It would be gone. And so, um, I don't know why I didn't. And that is when the

person showed up that took me through the steps as in the book. And so by then it was like, I was,

you know, um, unbelievably, I did not understand, like I said, from what I understand that it's a

three-part disease, three-part, um, solution and it's spiritual, mental, and, um, in the body and

physical. And, um, my solutions had to be, you know, um, I had to do service. I was doing a lot

of service. I had to unity, go to meetings. I was doing a lot of meetings, recovery, the steps,

not so much, not so much. I was hiding out. I love that. You know, I was a runner too.

I ran away from pain. I tried to figure out ways around it. I tried not to put myself in those

situations. I was extraordinarily, you know, I didn't do a fear inventory. I did a terror

inventory. I love what they did. There was a joke in the rooms and they said, um, you know, like,

uh, when a normal person breaks down on the freeway, they call AAA. When an alcoholic breaks

down on the freeway, we call suicide prevention because everything was extreme. Everything was

extreme. And, um, so I, you know, and I started seeing that the spiritual part of recovery was,

um, where then it's the emotional sobriety. That's what we were, they were talking about,

you know, and I didn't get it. I thought I was supposed to self help myself all the way through

this. I was going to therapists. I got to tell you what the litany of stuff I was doing is like

meditation groups therapy. Um, I did course in miracle science of mind, um, one science of mind,

two, I did, uh, chanting. I did rebirthing. I did, um, you name it. I was trying to get,

get well, I just wanted to just want it. I wanted peace and to be okay with peace, you know? And,

um, I had an honest desire to feel better. Let me tell you, I just, you know, and I didn't know if I

was going to drink, but that did scare me. And, um, so, you know, when I got to step two, I was,

I was really having a hard time, but I had to get to some kind of a power. And I read this in the

book. It just said that we were placed beyond human aid. And once I, then that means I need

something beyond human aid. That's going to keep me sober and get me sober. A lot of us get sober

and a lot of us quit. We quit dozens of times, but we can't stay stopped, you know, and that that's,

that was huge, you know, because, um, we're suffering from the delusion that, um, we can

pull this off somehow on our own merits, on our own way, you know, that we don't need this God

thing or this spirituality or behaving like mother Teresa or being, you know, doing good works and

all that. You know, I was so afraid I was going to end up handing out flowers at the airport,

you know, I mean, it was like, but that, you know, one thing God's big enough that he that's not what

he created me for, you know, and my job was to find out what he created me for. And I, um, you

know, did the, uh, one of the things is like, I told you, I didn't, I was looking for a family.

I had, um, a hard time. I didn't have a sense of belonging. I had run away from, um, my home,

um, when I was 16, because it was really a really sick type of place. And, um, and I had been pretty

much on my own and trying to figure things out besides when you're 16, you think you know it all

anyway, you know, right. And unfortunately the world doesn't really cooperate with all that, but,

um, but I was struggling. And, um, and so when I got into this, this, this thing, this community,

then I started having this, um, sense, uh, sort of a fleeting sense of belonging. You know,

when you're going to the last house on the block, which is Alcoholics Anonymous for your safety and

wellbeing, you got to pick and choose sometimes. And I was very thin skin, very sensitive. And I

was sure everybody was talking about me or thinking or judging me. And they were at times whenever I

talk, you are right now, I'm sure. And, uh, and the thing is, is I had to get past that,

that horrible liability. And I couldn't until I did, you know, um, I started looking at all the

things that created all the problems in my life. And that was, you know, um, one of the most

freeing lines in the big book for me was that we found out our problems were of our own making. And

I just, you know, what I love about that is, or what hit me about that, let me put it that way,

that when I read that is that, uh, first the bad news was I had been sober 12 years and I had been

giving AA 110%. I thought, I thought, and I was a mess. And that was very, very bad news. On the

other hand, right behind it came this shift in perception. You know, that moment of that means

they don't have to change for me to feel better, to have a good day. And that was a freedom for

me. And so I was ready to get into that, you know, into this time of four step that wasn't about

them, but you know, where I could look, where I had been having old ideas about how the world

should be run, how they should be treating me. And number one, I think one of the biggest things is

how I am different from my fellows. I mean, alcoholics, I hear them all the time. I just

want to be normal. I'm not, what do you mean? Grateful alcoholic. You know what? I never met

an alcoholic yet that wanted to be like their fellows. They want, they're superior or inferior.

We're never across the line. We want, we like colorful. We like exciting. We like drama and we

like, um, I don't know. It's, it's like fireworks and stuff. And you know what? That's who we are.

That's who we are. And I love that about us. I've never laughed so hard as when I was in AA

meetings, you know, the, um, I remember, Oh God, rotten run. I mean, he, he, he talked about how,

when he first came in, he was sleeping in his car, in the parking lot of the Hermoso Beach Alana

Club. And, um, and his, he had his girlfriend move in with him, right. You know, into his car

and she left him for a guy with a back seat. You know, I mean, how do you, where do you go

with that kind of stuff? It's just hysterical. And, um, and these were my people, you know,

and anyway, so that the deal is, is like, I don't want to be normal. I want to be me out of the

bottle. Who did you create God? What was that all about? And part of that is about, um, you know,

finding out who I'm not. And that was an amazing process. That's what the four step is. That's what

the four step was. I thought I had low self-esteem by the time I got through with that third column,

I found out I had actually a pretty elevated view about myself, very high opinion. I really,

you know, and you guys weren't doing it right. That whole third column turned out for me to be

all my rules and demands for you to make sure I was wrapped in cotton and not hurt ever, ever.

And, um, you know what, you guys don't cooperate. Don't cooperate. I had many, many teachers and

alcoholics anonymous, um, and teacher by teachers. I mean, people that pissed me off and I had to do

resentment inventories on them. And, um, and in the fourth, you know, when we're talking about,

you know, looking at our selfishness, it's like, where am I thinking on behalf of me is what

happened is a resentment is basically a resentment is when I think that things should go one way and

you bump into what my belief system is about me in some way and, or how it affects me. And you've

done something, you know, looked at me sideways, you know, that's a good one. Look at me sideways.

Um, you know, my husband, before we got married, he kept going, uh, you know, kind of disappearing

and, um, and I'm going, Oh, he's doing the yo-yo. He's just afraid of commitment. Oh,

he's got all this stuff. He's I've got, doesn't he know I have abandonment issues,

you know, what is he doing? And, and I did this inventory and all of a sudden is what I saw was

he wasn't running away from me. He was running for higher ground. I was, I was after him. I was like,

you take care of me. You make me feel better. You, um, you know, uh, take that, you know,

whatever it is. I had a whole set agenda on how people are supposed to relate to me in order. So

I'm okay. And, um, and, and the other one was, I, I thought I was depressed. And once I did that

inventory is what I saw. Thank God, here's the deal. Thank God. It wasn't just mental illness,

because if it was mental illness, I would have had to be on a medication. I can't tell tolerate and I

can't. And I, some people can and I, but I'm lucky that I couldn't tolerate it because I had to work

this thing as though my life depended on it. And as what I got to see as I wasn't in, I wasn't

clinically depressed. I'm an alcoholic. I was in chronic self pity. That was a hard one to see.

That was rude. That hurt my feelings. And it was the most freeing thing I've ever run into. I had,

uh, the reason I ran away from home was because of a stepfather, abusive stepfather. And, um,

and I had him for years and I know that, you know, here he was again, another on my resentment list

and all this stuff. And I had to get to a place of forgiving this person for giving. I mean,

it was like, how do you forgive a child abuser? I don't know. How do you do that? You know?

And, um, and I, but I prayed and, and to this power that I wasn't, I was still having a little

trouble with, I'm going to tell you that right now, I've never defined God. If I did, it wouldn't be God.

Let me tell you right now, but I do know that there's something and it runs through all of us.

We, we feel it because we stay together and we stay sober and that's a miracle. Um, but this

thing I prayed and I looked up in the dictionary, the word forgive, and it means having no resentment

and connection with, I needed to be free of that resentment because it kept me sick. It kept me a

victim. It kept me, um, uh, you know, like the self-recrimination when my stepdad wasn't around,

but I was still beating myself up and I couldn't stop at the old tapes. The old ideas book says,

we must let go of our old ideas. They kill us. How do you do that? Well, first of all,

you see a goddamn good reason. And the reason is, is I'm tired of that person running my life.

He had no business. He couldn't run his own life, you know? And I, so I'm going, I want a way out.

So I look up and it says, have no resentment and connection with, and then the next thing it said,

thank you. I got it. Uh, the next thing it said is that, um, condone, it's like, does not condone

what they did, you know? And it just meant that I have to move past it. And I was not going to

condone what he did. I mean, I took what he did and I used it to protect myself all these years.

You know, that was a hard thing to ever even think about wanting to give up on. But I had to,

I'm an alcoholic. I'm different from my fellows. That means that thing is going to take me out

drinking. And it doesn't matter if I have 30 days or 30 years. And what happened for me is

that the freedom I owed him an immense, you know what I owed an immense for? I stole his change.

Um, you know, I, um, he was a type of a person. Um, well anyway, I tried to get a hold of him to

make the amends to give him back the money. And, and he, it turns out he's kind of afraid of me.

And so he backed out at the last minute. And so I took that change and I gave it to an organization

that he detested and it just, you know, it's that little bit of me in there, but still, you know,

it just felt like I was clean with this and, um, still judgmental as shit, but, you know, clean.

And, um, but the thing is, is I was willing and that was the deal about the nine step is like,

I, I absolutely, I was so wanting to do, what is it? I always knew the difference between right

and wrong. And I always felt good when I did the right thing. Right. I just couldn't pull it off

because between me and the right thing was something I thought I needed to be okay.

You know, give that up, how am I going to give that up? And, um, but I, do you know, I just like

this taste of freedom so much, you know, if freedom tasted like it was like when somebody

gave me a slight slide look or commented on my share or whatever didn't hurt. It didn't

bother me. I didn't care. I wasn't, I wasn't, you know, a rug, you know, squelching it down.

It was like, I noticed it and I knew that they had a problem. They had a problem. I didn't have

the problem, you know, it was like freedom. What is that? You know, it's like, when I look at,

when I start to have something that stabs me in the gut, you know, you know, that feeling that,

you know, um, and I can do a really quick force step on it and see where I can come out. And,

you know, when you're married, you can do that a lot. And, um, and I got to where I was doing

these little force, many four steps in my head, whenever my husband, you know, spoke in a tone

that I didn't like or something like that. And, oh, he always got off the hook. He always got off

the hook. I always found someplace I had either initiated it by starting off with a criticism

or something, or how he could do something a little bit better, or I was selfishly looking

on my behalf at the problem, or I was selfishly doing something on my behalf, which is self

seeking. Or I was being dishonest or I was being afraid. And, um, and eventually, and then I would

go, oh, that's what happened. And, you know, what's really neat is that as much as, um,

as much as the disease is contagious and it is, I had somebody very early on tell me not to date

newcomers, because they will pull me down before I can bring them up. That didn't stop me, but,

you know, thank you, sweetie. Um, but I, uh, but I, you know, I, I've come to understand that,

um, the, um, I forgot what I was saying. The, um, but anyway, the, the, the thing is about the

newcomer is that, well, anyway, there's always, uh, one thing I've known and, and, um, I'm,

like I said, like 39 and a half years sober and in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous,

a member of good standing. And I work with people and I take them through those, that step because

we can, no matter what is going on, there's freedom on the other side. If we could have that,

if we're willing to have that shift in perception and it's done to us, not by us. So it's, it's

really neat that you don't have to have that. Um, you know, you don't have to make sure you pray

right or stay in these little lines or boundaries. You know, God likes us the way we are, I guess.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Holly. Good job. Really appreciate it.

Everybody. Thank you. My life in 35 minutes. Great meeting.