From Daily Vodka to 13 Years Sober: A Journey of Commitment & Healing

sometimes it's so nice to be at a meeting with my people thank you john uh my sobriety date is

november 12th 2009 i just celebrated 13 years um i have a sponsor she has a sponsor i sponsor women

uh i have a home group it's a book study and it's amazing it's on thursday nights it's at 7 30 it is

also a hybrid meeting it's called principles before personalities and um and i have a commitment there

and you know those three things were all recommended when i got here you know get a sponsor

get a home group uh get a commitment and i really wasn't interested in any of those things but i was

desperate i was out of ideas i was broken uh so much about your story resonates deeply and

profoundly it feels like my story and you know when i got here um i didn't know i was an alcoholic

in fact i was not willing to admit that i was an alcoholic i didn't really identify as an

alcoholic i was just desperate and broken and couldn't stop drinking and uh my son who is today

your age um had walked into my room one morning not unlike any other morning uh and it was maybe

seven a.m before school and i was taking a swig of the vodka that i took a swig of every morning

i was a daily drinker i drank every day i drank all day uh usually until i i passed out at night

and i was a blackout drinker and drugs and alcohol had been a part of my story for as long as i could

remember even in periods or intervals where i had stopped drinking i actually didn't drink from the

age of of 22 to 40 um and that's a dangerous fact if you're an alcoholic like me because

i i was convinced i couldn't possibly have been an alcoholic like if you don't drink from 22 years

old to 40 like there's no way i'm an alcoholic right but you know let me i got enough time uh

to to tell you a little bit more about what it used to be like before what happened and then

what it's like today i smoked my first joint in the third grade um i had my first beer probably

that same summer my parents um were remarkable people they had five kids i was born in you know

64 by the late 60s my parents got really interested in what was happening in the world

and the anti-war movement and they started studying mao and marxism and leninism and they

became revolutionary communists and you know for all intents and purposes they were amazing people

who really thought they could make a big difference in the world and so they packed up all five of us

kids from upstate new york and we we drove to seattle and we became like these little red diaper

babies we were on cricket lines and demonstrations and we hung out with the black panthers and we

hung out at the el centro de la raza and you know my parents reminded us all the time you're not the

most important thing and you know i was shy and i was uncomfortable and i be i became an expert

people pleaser you know i was a chameleon much like yourself like i could hang out with you know

the all black kids i could hang out with the asian kids i could hang out with the white kids i could

hang out with the stoners and then i could hang out in the choir like i i was anything you needed

me to be um but when i like i wasn't smoking or drinking daily in the third grade but as often as

i could like i loved how it felt to just not be in this body you know i was really uncomfortable

just being me and uh i was sweet and i was shy and i was curious and i think i was smart but man it

just wasn't enough like i i wanted i wanted to feel better different smarter funnier you know

sexier prettier pretty enough smart enough like i never felt like i was enough of anything because

i didn't really get what i thought i needed from you from my mom from from anybody and drugs and

alcohol really helped with that for a long time you know like i i just wanted to be high and i i

chased that my entire life man it just felt like uh you know i never had one of anything you know

one drink was never part of my story one hit one joint one line there was never part of my story

like i was going to the wheels fell off and i i was fun i loved to party it was like amazing uh

until it stopped working and you know so just to back up so at 22 years old um in my mind every

bad thing that ever happened to me was because i was drinking or high you know i put myself in

harm's way regularly uh growing up in you know in an inner city working class neighborhood um drugs

and alcohol were really easy to get and there was you know by junior high one of my best friends is

a pimp you know my other best friends are dealers like i mean i'm i'm gonna get what i need you know

like i'm gonna be okay as long as you have what i need to feel okay and um that puts me in harm's

way you know a lot of bad things happen to me i i come out of blackouts a lot going jesus how did

i get here how do i get out of here uh where am i um and you know we didn't have cell phones then

you know like it just like life was unmanageable for a long time and so by the time i'm 22 man i

i had my fill like i had i had done enough drugs and enough drinking to for all you know like for

anybody and and i was able to stop drinking because the man who was to become the father

of my beautiful son uh was an alcoholic and and while i didn't really know anything about alcoholism

i was like i think you're an alcoholic like i'm pretty sure you are and um you know one more time

harm's way bad relationship there was a fight i got a black eye and i said if you don't quit

drinking i'm gonna leave you you know it might have been one of the best decisions i had made

up to that point in my life and so he quit drinking for a minute i quit drinking for 18 years

and i end up getting pregnant you know a year and a half later i end up having this beautiful baby

boy and i end up being a single mom because he was an alcoholic who couldn't stop drinking and

and i i could see that in him and i had a healthy enough fear about what alcoholism was without

knowing i had never read the big book i had never gone to a meeting i didn't understand that the

alcohol and the drugs weren't the problem they were the solution you know i didn't really

understand that i had this physical allergy that when i took a drink i was going to get the

phenomenon of craving but i knew that i probably shouldn't take that first drink you know at least

i had this sort of gut feeling and i was an atheist my parents were staunch atheists so i

didn't have a god in my life but i was i was a pretty decent single mom for a bunch of years you

know the big book tells us maybe my disease hadn't hadn't really become a full-fledged maybe i wasn't

an alcoholic yet i don't i don't know but for about the first 10 years or so i you know i every

once in a while i would smoke pot but it wasn't that important to me i didn't drink so my disease

is sitting on the back burner and um i end up having to get a double hip replacement which is

just another whole story i got hit by a truck uh when i was 13 but i had been uh on pain meds and

taking them as prescribed you know because i i had this idea that i probably shouldn't abuse them

because i wasn't drinking so i was doing the best i can but this this surgery before the second hip

replacement the doctor took me off cold turkey off this oxycontin um and i went through really bad

withdrawals and it's just my own personal opinion that going through such debilitating withdrawals

triggered the phenomenon of craving for me you know like something shifted you know first i had

to you know come off i had to suffer and feverish and you know get weaned off of this drug but

something felt different you know like i was like something's missing you know here i got this

beautiful little boy i've been doing a pretty good job and all of a sudden i need something again like

something just was missing and and i found the party you know and even for for five years though

take a drink i would do anything else you know i i would drugs are definitely part of my story

if i walked into a bathroom and you were doing it i would get it also like i mean i i would take it

if you had it no question that and it became like my my beautiful 12 year old son watched me as i

started to have he was no longer the most important thing you know like i got to recreate that in my

son's life because drugs and alcohol became the most important thing and my my life got smaller

and darker like pretty quickly you know within five years of not taking a drink but doing drugs

i finally took a drink and uh thank god that once i took that drink it happened so fast i immediately

became the same exact kind of drinker that i always was like why wouldn't i drink all day

like this is amazing i can't believe i didn't drink for 18 years shit i got some casting up to do

and uh you know i'm ruled by the self-centered you know selfish self-centered like i i can only

think about what i need to be okay and and it didn't matter that my kid needed me it didn't

matter what was going on with you as long as i was getting what i needed and um it brought me

to my knees you know i uh i would just talk about incomprehensible demoralization by the time i got

here by the time my son walked in and i'm taking that swig at 7 a.m uh i was in a relationship that

i i thought was the root of all my troubles uh the man i love the man i thought i couldn't live

without he got his life pregnant i mean jesus uh you know like so i would do anything you know to

get what i thought i needed and that's what i thought i needed at the time and and i had

befriended her like i was this vile creature like i befriended a woman because i was in love with

her husband and and she would cry on my shoulder about like chris doesn't love me like he's only

happy when you're around i'm like yeah it's tough i mean i don't know like i i kept a vodka behind a

mirror in my bedroom with a locked door and i would try to look myself in the eyes you know

when i took that swig every morning because i knew in my heart of hearts that the self-loathing was

so bad like i couldn't stand the person i had morphed into like i i believed i believed for

a long time that my intentions were good like i was just trying to be okay but what i was willing

to do to get what i needed you know was ruthless and that morning he walked in and my son said

you're pathetic and i said dude you need a job like i pay all the bills around here you're

pathetic and like like i knew i was pathetic but that's how easy it was for me to you know to tell

my 19 year old son dude you're pathetic and he just said mom why can't you go back to being the

way that you used to be and i i knew what he meant you know i i knew that he meant back when he was

like you know up to 12 when i was actually you know trying to be a decent parent and what i

said instead was i'll always drink and i had been trying to stop drinking for like two years on my

own and couldn't you know this i kept trying to i kept thinking if i could just stop drinking

i could probably get out of this toxic relationship if i could just stop drinking like

in my mind my problem was the drinking and so i say i'll always drink and he was like why

and it was like somebody else said it but i said i'd like to be altered and it was like it clanked

around in my head like it was metal numbers i mean it was it felt like a spiritual experience

or something because he looked at me didn't even slam the door and just he looked down and walked

out of the room and i helped me like i need help i asked a god that i didn't even know that i had for

help and i'm not sure how i got to my first meeting you know to be honest i've had somebody

come up to me at the end of a meeting and said you should really try to remember that like that

we want to know and i'm like if i knew i would tell you i don't know how i got to my first meeting but

here's the important part i got here you know i got to a meeting and even though i wasn't willing

to say i'm an alcoholic i couldn't deny the language of the heart i couldn't deny that i

heard your story and that i felt it was my story i couldn't deny that even though i i you know hadn't

gone to prison and i hadn't gotten a dui and i hadn't you know i i didn't you know i clean up

kind of nice i always have i've been worried about my outside so what you think about me my whole

life too and you know you guys would say things like it's an inside job and and all these things

does it and first things first and one day at a time i'm like what are they talking about i just

want to i just want to quit drinking you know i just i don't know about this god stuff i i just

but physical sobriety is hard to deny you know like by 30 days sober i felt better you know like

i really did it's hard to deny physical sobriety feels better when you've been drinking hard all

day every day for a long time when you're just sick and tired of being sick and tired and um i

also like round numbers i'm also competitive so i'm thinking okay if i got 30 i can probably get

a 60-day chip i'll try that and so i get the 60-day chip and then i get a 90-day chip and

and now i'm starting to meet my tribe you know like i find women who are laughing loud in the

meetings and kind of being troublemaker i'm like they're cute and they're fun i mean i bet i can

become their friend it's like i started to feel like i belonged you know i i got a sponsor my

first sponsor was amazing and um she took me through the book you know line by line and she

helped me write um she had me write the set aside prayer which is here on the wall on the inside

cover of my book and asked me to pray every day and say that prayer and i had never said a prayer

in my life but when i said help me have a new experience like i think i know everything like

i think i know like i even today i i get paid to know i do a job where people pay me to tell them

what to do and and so i'm good at it i fake it till i make it and and i'm worried about how i

look so half the time i'm bullshitting or half the time i'm just gonna say what i need to say

so that you think i know anyway god please help me set aside everything i think i know and i'm

trying to have this new experience i finally want something different you know and then she has me

write from my third step write what your concept of god is and i'm i'm now feeling like shit you

guys are going to kick me out if i don't if i don't you know come clean about i don't really

have a god and she's like honey just write whatever comes to to mind you know and and i

started writing and i'm pretty sure that that little baby jane who was third in the third grade

like i think i always had a god you know i think that i i knew even when my parents would say

carl marx's favorite quote like religion religion is the opiate of the masses i i've always felt

cheated out of faith i felt like like why didn't we get that you know why didn't you give me that

like if you weren't gonna parent like most parents parent you could have at least given us god or

something so that we had some sort of comfort i didn't have that and i felt cheated out of it

so i'm starting to write down what is my concept of god and what starts coming out of me convinces

me like god has always been with me and i and i begin to have what i really feel was a spiritual

experience and uh it was sudden and profound for me and and i felt like the drink problem had been

solved in that moment for me like i have never had a desire to have another drink um i felt profoundly

connected to the people in the rooms i became really eager to learn more about alcoholism

and what my disease looks like you know and and by the time i'm four years sober um i felt like

i needed a new experience you know and i i found a sponsor who uh i heard speaking at a convention

and she was talking about this column work and if you're not doing the columns this way that you

know and if you're not uh going to a book study and if you know then you're just around aa and

i'm like she's talking about and so i started going to her book study just to find out what

the fuck she was talking about and um i had never done any column work i'm like what is this column

work that you keep talking about you know and and she has since recanted and and she'll now say

there's no wrong way to do the steps the only wrong way to do the steps the only wrong way to do aa

is to not do it so i'm grateful that she did change her position on that because i can lighten

up too i don't have to to know how to do it i only have to share my experience strength and hope with

the way it was shown to me so with the women i sponsor i just get to be willing to be inconvenienced

you know all i have to do is take the calls when it's inconvenient and and you know take them

through the book line by line and and share the same worksheets that were shared with me and and

and it is my understanding that the column work is really just to help me get right size because when

i think i need to know i'm somehow blocking myself from the powerlessness that is really uh the root

of the problem so when i'm playing god which i do all the time i'm trying to uh i'm trying to alter

your experience i'm trying to like tell you how i think you should do it like i gotta get right

sized it's it's not up to me i don't have to know anything and all the column work is really just to

talk about you know who i'm resentful at why what i could have done differently which is the recovered

behavior why didn't i the why didn't i column is the fear what fear was driving you and it's almost

always you know the cliff note version that i've learned is it's a fear of losing something i have

which could be a material thing or it could be security or love or you know being enough

whatever the fear is it's losing something i have not getting something i want or being found out

to be an imposter and those were all things i was riddled with my whole life like i wasn't even sure

who i really was because i was so busy trying to be what you needed me to be and so worried about

whether or not i was doing a good enough job you know was i enough did you like me you know am i

smart enough am i pretty enough and you know getting right-sized isn't easy it doesn't feel

natural like i uh humility does not you know it's like a hard pill to swallow like i'm selfish and

self-centered you know just by nature i think it's a human condition i don't think us alcoholics have

any any special you know grasp on that but what we do get are these tools you know these tools

and designed for living that it's remarkable my kid is not an alcoholic um doesn't mean i you know

we won't have a seat for him if that ever changes but what he always says is you people are deep man

like like like i i wish we could all do the 12 steps i would not wish everybody could i'm like

well you do qualify in a couple of ways you you could do them but the truth is is i'm really

grateful to be an alcoholic today you know because um i don't i don't ever have to do this thing alone

you know like if i i walked into this room and like i i i love you like i loved you the minute

you texted me like i i feel completely rooted in who i am today that i and everything on the

outside looks the same i just know that it's gonna be okay it's gonna work out the way it's supposed

to that as long as i continue to be willing to be inconvenienced in alcoholics anonymous as long as

i'm willing to you know show women how to ask the right questions so that they can understand what

their disease looks like and identify the lie because for me that um the open-mindedness

willingness and honesty that's required like half of the time the life for me is what my disease

really looks like you know and and when it crops up and if if i'm not careful and if i'm not really

vigilant then i'll slip right back into that self-centered fear where i start thinking i need

something in order to be okay and you know it may or may not be a drink today but it will would be

eventually you know because something has to fix that kind of problem for me if it's an outside

issue and and today i just you know you suit up you show up um i i work on saying the third step

prayer every day you know like it's been my second prayer first i learned the set aside prayer and

then i learned the third step prayer and i don't know my god is just it's it's it's perfect for me

it's just it's somebody once described it as this gold thread that connects my heart to your heart

to your heart to your heart and i was so busy trying to do it right like when people would

talk about their god i'm like oh my god to be as good as their god but the truth for me is like

i just want to feel a part of you know i just want to feel like that i don't have to to block

that that feeling of love and connectedness that i i blocked with drugs and alcohol for so long

just trying to be okay so when i say god i offer myself to the it's the spirit of the universe it's

love it's connectedness and you know it goes on to say take away my difficulties you know when i

got here my difficulties were the man was his wife was the baby was uh you know the repo man was the

eviction notice those were what i thought my difficulties were you know i now realize that

my difficulties are really always my self-centered fear it's always that and so take away my

difficulties and i say it slow and i get clear on what the difficulties are you know like is it

judgment because if i'm in judgment it's actually fear but if i'm judging you it i need to be better

than you so i need to make you less than like it's not right-sized like so for me trying to stay

right-sized how do i stay out of judgment how do i just love how do i just i'm okay the way i am and

you're okay and we're just that's the difficulties how do i stay right-sized and so that i can better

do thy will and it's a beautiful life you know it's a beautiful life it's life on life's terms

it's one day at a time you know i just started i have no idea how much time i have left thanks

you know just recently uh i went to a friend's funeral um there's a friend's dad's funeral she

was my best friend when i was pregnant and uh the father my son's biological father um died in

alcoholic death he died we we never saw him after about a year my son was a year old when he when he

had to leave because he got caught in bed with my best friend's little sister who was 17 at the time

so that's just a messy complicated story of how things go when you're being like quality um so he

left but i stayed best friends with uh her older sister and we raised our kids together for like 10

12 years and and i had this huge crutch on her older brother and uh he was amazing and handsome

and smart and just total womanizer and he uh i love that about him and and he chose somebody

else by the time my son was two or three we were sort of involved and and he chose the other woman

and i only tell you that because 30 years later i go to their dad's service and there he is at the

wedding and it feel at the at the their dad's funeral sorry it wasn't a wedding um and i'm

seeing him now like 30 years later i'm in this relationship with somebody with all this crazy

history and it's long distance and he's an addict and uh he's sober right now but it's like he

recently said to me man you're pretty serious about this recovery stuff and i said yeah i really

am i really am i have to be because if if i'm not and he he made some crack about how how he's been

sober for a while but he had just told me he took a drink at a christmas party and i'm like so listen

i'm not trying to take your inventory dude but you're not actually sober and i'm thinking like

all my red flags are flaring up right like can i really do a long distance relationship with an

a practicing addict and i don't know you know i don't know if i can or not but the truth is

i know what my program needs to look like i know what i have to do in order to keep a safe healthy

distance from feeling like a drink is going to solve any problems for me and it's a perfect set

of tools that we're given you know it really is it's it's all in the book you know the the solution

to our problems is in the book i just don't want to ever lose sight of what what it looks like when

i think that a drink or a drug is going to just take the edge off for me like i have to be really

clear that you know the minute i decide to to do that like all bets are off you know that i lose

all the relationships that i've built i lose everything and today my life is beautiful that

same kid who walked in and said you're pathetic says i'm the best human he's ever known you know

he calls me bro he says i'm his best friend um and he you know he never really knew his dad and

he just found out a year and a half ago from some crazy stalker chick that his uh biological dad was

in hawaii that he's got a half sister and that um she found out the woman that used to be like just

all this stuff for my son to figure out that the dad that he's never known died a lonely alcoholic

death on the streets of hawaii and um it's heartbreaking you know this was a guy i love

this was the love of my life and and my son while not an alcoholic had all these ideas about one day

i'm going to meet this guy and i'm going to show this guy exactly what he missed out on and the

truth is is if you're an alcoholic like us you know we we it's not uncommon to push everybody

out of our lives until we're you know alone and desperate and uh and dying i i i've gone to too

many funerals in 13 years i've seen too many people that i love die from this disease women

i've sponsored have died you know people think they have one more shot and you know and we don't

know i mean anymore you know the the minute that i think that i can go out one more time is um it's

a sad day i don't i don't want to have to ever try to come back you know like it's a beautiful life

and uh i i feel like that's really all i have i just know that i am super grateful to be here

with you guys that if anybody um is interested in an awesome book study or would like to call

i want to always stick out my hand to the women in alcoholics anonymous and make myself available

karen thank you again so much for asking me to be here with you guys and i hope everybody has a safe

holiday thank you again perfect thank you so much