From Court‑Ordered AA to Sobriety: A 1994 Journey

and let me get some things out of the way. My sobriety date is April 1st, 1994. My sponsor is

Michael S. My home group is the Rule 62 Men Stag in Glendale every Saturday morning at 9 30 a.m.

and I have a guide about understanding and those are important things for me especially the

sobriety date. I was told when I was new to get one and try not to change it but then fortunately

for me I didn't I never had to but I did bounce around AA for about taking a chip or raise my hand

um I never really had a sobriety day I was just court ordered in and I was just trying

to get my court card signed and until until I had one last drunk you know one last demoralizing

situation in my life and that's when I actually decided to get a sobriety date and get a sponsor

and work with the program. You know I come from a a middle class dysfunctional family you know

nothing special my dad was a was grew up in a violent alcoholic household and he wasn't a

bad dad but he was one that probably had the ism he wasn't a drinker per se but he had the ism and

he was one that could have used 12 steps in his life but he did a good job he did the best job

you could raise him myself and my sister and now I know when I was a kid you know sometimes it just

didn't feel like I always fit in with everybody and I had uh I was a shy kid I had some self-esteem

issues and uh you know and then as I started to get into my teens in my early adulthood I the

anger and started to manifest in my life in a way that was not good um I probably got drunk for the

very first time when I was 13 being a bunch of friends raided someone's one of the parents liquor

cabinet we drank and I got violently ill and uh next day I'm like man I'm not doing that again

and it was a week later when the guy said hey let's do that again I said okay I was down for it

but you know even though that that the first time it was just a awful experience but in the

process of taking that first drink until I got violently ill something clicked you know I felt

something and then you know we did it again and once again I got pretty sick and and I really

really didn't touch alcohol that much until I was 16 and I got my driver's license and then from then

on I pretty much drank regularly until I got sober I remember the first time I ever drove a car on my

own with no parent supervision me and my buddies were out on Friday night we'd go down to the local

miniature golf and hanging out arcades and and uh we score some beer we're drinking and I remember

getting pulled over that very first time for speeding and we had open containers I was under

the influence but the cop just wanted to give me a ticket so he sent me in my way and that was the

story of my my life that I got sober is most of the time I was driving drunk I was driving with

alcohol in my system alcohol in my hand and for me to go from a to b I always had some kind of

alcohol and uh I'm an individual between 21 and 29 I got four duis you know and um a couple drunken

publics I wrecked the car and you know never ever thought about stop drinking you know and every

time I would get all these issues with alcohol they would always send me to alcohol synonymous

and I know one thing when I first walked in the meeting of alcohol synonymous I mean I was in

terror you know and and I remember the first time I had to come in with my court guard I sat down

throw it in the basket excuse myself to use the restroom and then when I heard the meeting was

overcame I got my card left signed the rest of it and I was on my way you know and um you know as

I was drinking at you know through my teens and everything uh problems were to the minimum um

except for with my my dad because uh my drinking started to be known in the house and he was

starting to get a little agitated with uh you know me showing up at god knows what hour and you know

most of the time when I was coming home at one two three in the morning I was drunk and he wasn't

digging on that so um you know I started having issues with my dad with drinking and then started

become issues with friends and work and the drinking started to cause problems more problems

in my life and um you know but never did I ever think that drinking was the problem you know

because alcohol was a necessity in my life you know it was something that I needed to have was

something I was taught I was thinking about it was always in my mind where I was going to drink

I had no money who I know who had money who can I get drinks off of you know and either I was in

the process of drinking or in the process of coming to and being hung over alcohol was a most common

thread in my life and um where I almost wrecked my car for the second time and I bounced off a

guardrail that was guarding a cliff you know and and I was just lucky that the guardrail didn't

give out you know it was coming in the same that I could run over and you know the next day I

realized what was going on and check out the car and I went up to that same spot where I bounced

up to the guardrail and I looked over and you know then I went out and hooked up with my friends and

got drunk again you know it was those kind of experiences that didn't matter you know I really

didn't care and you know probably because um you know somewhere in my late teens early early 20s

I got to the point where you know I just I just didn't care you know life was not life I was more

existing and as as I got later in my teens I I drank a lot with the idea that you know maybe

if I'm lucky if I'm driving somewhere and I go on a blackout I in abutment or something and that's

it because I think the last five years of my drinking uh suicide was always on my mind because

I just didn't like being alive because I was tormented by like walking outside and seeing

everyone happy you know and I wasn't a happy guy I was an angry resentful and and I I had a very

poor quality of life and I needed I I couldn't live on my own because I didn't know how to take

a paycheck and go pay bills I take a paycheck I cash and on the way home oh there's a bar and

you know I don't know how to budget my money I drink and then as long as I have money I could

drink you know and my sister's always short this month and this and that and so I was my life was

extremely unmanageable when I drank and I remember um I was getting to a point where uh things were

getting really really bad in my life and I was just got my my fourth DUI and I go to court and

I didn't think that no it and I had a public defender and all of a sudden they're talking

about putting me in jail for a year and I was like whoa you know for because I never really had any

real consequences on my first three DUIs they always seem to land right after a three-year

period and and this one was not the same and I you know I was confused because now all I do is

drink and go a to b when I drink I get restless and I go a to b so I went to um somehow I I went

to all these different lawyers and they all want all this big money I had no money I'm a 29 year

old guy who uh didn't have a bank account didn't have a driver's license didn't have car insurance

um I had a I had a social security card the only thing that really proved that I existed you know

and somehow I run across this guy and I was able to get money from my dad and he didn't even cost

much at all and I was a little surprised but we go to court and go to court we keep going to court

keep going to court and then finally the last time we go to court you know my lawyer and DA and the

judge go in the chambers they send me out to the hallway I remember sitting this long cold hallway

in a hard wooden bench I remember sitting there talking to God telling him let it end now I'll

do whatever it takes let it end now and I don't know if I was talking about my drinking and how

I was living my life or this court case but all I know is they didn't throw me in jail for a year

they did something more severe than that and they ended up giving me 240 a meetings and then a year

looked good to me oh my god you're in jail two four because the a meetings just didn't sit well

with me and what I come to figure out when I got sober that the reason why I was so afraid and so

uncomfortable is because deep down inside I probably understood that I am an alcoholic but

I never wanted to say I was an alcoholic and when I got out of court that day um I went I did

something that I surprised me I got home when I opened the phone book just smartphones weren't

there yet and in the front in the white pages it said alcohol synonymous I called the am number uh

no it wasn't the valley central office it was la central office but you know forgive me for not

calling the right one and um they told me about a meeting and I went to a meeting and I approached

this little small storefront and everyone was having fun and laughing and everything and I was

just shaking and there was a chair right by the door and I sat down and get the meeting started

and they say anyone here and there for the first time the first 30 days and God put up my hand and

I I stuttered and and thought back to tears just my name you know I'm an alcoholic and I'd like to

say that hey I'm not there and I never drank again that wasn't it that day for the next six months I

bounced in and out because that was only when I was you know I was a teenager and I drank all

the time and I got introduced to pot and somewhere down the road after a year or so I had a bad

experience with pot and I never touched it again and then in my early 20s someone introduced me to

cocaine and I was doing cocaine drinking I had a bad experience with cocaine I never touched again

yet all these incidents with alcohol I never thought about don't touch that alcohol you know

because it was it was something that I just needed it was like breathing drinking was like breathing

for me and um I remember I was uh doing other things um instead of going to jail they they

gave me the opportunity to uh clean the streets and freeways of Southern California so I was doing that

every every weekend uh as an inmate I had to go check into the county and they released me to go

and do my weekends and I remember the last very first Friday I didn't have to go and work in the

morning to go clean the freeways I had friends calling me hey we're going to this bar no no I'm

not drinking and I kept on saying I'm not gonna drink I'm not gonna drink and I end up with I end

up go meeting them and as soon as I walked from the door I didn't even hesitate I walked past them

treated the bartender asked for a picture and a shot another shot and I went back to the table

with them and next thing you know it I am coming to on the guy's couch I don't know what happened

they're laughing at me they're telling me my night what happened and that Saturday I've been going to

this one meeting in Glendale it was a beginner's workshop it's only meeting in Glendale I I could

find that didn't have a break a lot of meetings in Glendale are an hour and a half and they got

this 15-minute break and all these people want to come up to you say hey how you doing here's my

number call me and so I found a meeting where I didn't get it correct so I showed up to this

meeting and and there's only six people there I'm like oh this is not gonna be good and everyone

shares and we got 15 minutes and the room looks at me and someone said would you like to share

and I said uh my name is Neil not caller I don't 24 hours and right after that meeting I asked the

lady who was in charge which I couldn't find that they were secretary if I could do something she

had me come back next week a few chips and I talked to this guy up to the meeting I said I

don't know what I'm doing what what am what am I supposed to do he said get a sponsor I said what

I do that he goes it's a men's tag and Thursday nights go there that's where you'll find a sponsor

and find a sponsor I got a big book and I work some steps and you know I like to tell you that

my life was just a bed of roses I was happy joy some free but I wasn't pushed forward in a half

years I I was not drinking and I had commitments and I work steps and I was not happy yet my life

wasn't all that great you know I was like you know is this the best it can be you know I'm like

you know this this the sober thing is not all what it's perfect to me and I remember when that

court case they they told me for seven years I cannot have any mind mood altering chemicals

alcohol or others in my system and four and a half years and I'm looking at the counter I go I got

another 19 months until I get past that and instead of waiting the 19 months and start drinking again

I did I did a couple things that were instrumental in my growth and sobriety I got a commitment at

central office answering phones I found a meeting Tuesday night and all they did is go through the

12 steps and 12 and 12 all we did is read the 12 steps it constantly and I started to put my hand

at the newcomers and I started working with others and that's when I started to understand sort of

what's going on and I started to be a part of AA I started being in the middle of the herd instead

of the four and a half years of being on the edges of AA and no wonder I was unhappy and and my

quality of life wasn't very good because I wasn't really doing anything no not that quality of life

my personal not no sense you know and um you know that's when you know in the also certain book

intensive work with non-alcoholic and share my sobriety doesn't say that exactly that I'm

paraphrasing but that's what I started to do and then my life started to change you know and

I started to be happy and I started enjoying sobriety and I started to wake up with gratitude

from not every single day but I was grateful and from a guy who was a very selfish self-centered

self-serving person when I drank you know you could not rely on me because hey can you come

help oh yeah no problem then if I would go drink that night I would never show up you know my dad

would always count on me to be there here or show up on time I never would because you know I was

coming to I was didn't know where I was I had to figure out you know where the car was and do all

that so I wasn't a responsible person and I was very selfish and self-centered but then as I

started doing working with others I started to understand that you know being of services gets me

ahead of me you know I started to be selfless you know in a way and um that's when that's when I

really started to like myself and that's one of the reasons why I was so unhappy because I wasn't

a different person I was the same guy for the most part without drinking and then down down another

10 years I was somewhere 17 years sobriety and my dad had passed and I had um had this friendship

that I met with when he was in the air and that friendship blew up and I lost my job and and

thinking about drinking and I remember walking out of my apartment going downstairs half a block ways

at 7-eleven I bought alcohol and I come back and I and I was down and determined to get drunk and

put the key in the door and I turned it and as I walked in I for whatever reason I put the beer

in the fridge I went in my bedroom and I started reading the big book I started writing some stuff

I prayed I went to bed and you know I started looking at my life you know I worked with others

and I could take a few steps but I was really wasn't flying steps in my life especially six and

seven I wasn't living clean you know and and that's what I had to do I had to look at some

of the meetings that were going to and some and and how I was building my relationship with God

and I started to work on praying in a way that I was really connecting with God I wouldn't say hey

papa you know just because you know they say pray and I just do it you know but I wasn't really

praying I wasn't really you know giving myself and really accepting God back and then my life

started changing again you know and and you know I I took I was off about a year and a half without

a job and I got back in the workforce and sponsoring again and then grateful to be sober

you know and I started to um I started to apply these principles in my life I started to really

work on being me and and really work on doing God's will and and really focusing on the character

defects and and the ones especially cause problems in my life because you know it was always through

my sobriety I would be doing something and I'd be happy now sudden boom for 30 seconds I would just

go into a rage and then then I would know be normal again and you know I just didn't understand

why couldn't figure it out you know and the more I worked on six and seven and then it was suggested

to maybe there was other avenues I should do and I did I went out and got some help and I worked on

some things and the biggest resentment on my list was my dad and I made my men's in him and through

my sobriety our relationship was still rocky until the last five or six years and our relationship

started to get really really good because that's when I really figured out that I worked the steps

I change he doesn't work except he doesn't change so I started to accept the man for who he was

and I kept on working on me and we had the best relationship his last five years even to where

last year of his life he got sick and he got to the point where you know he couldn't tie knots

you know he lost a lot of weight he couldn't wear rings because his fingers are so skinny and I used

that to pick them up and put them and if I didn't find these stages in my sobriety where I was able

to find more growth and how to figure out how to really work this program to where really God

manifests through me and I'm able to be the person I want to be you know I would have missed out on

being there for my dad when he when my mom really needed me and after he passed I spent the first

year every weekend with my mom I would commute to her house and spend the whole all the weekend with

her and that was my living amends to my mom who I lost in 2020 and that was a hard thing too times

God worked I was able to walk through it with grace and dignity you know I wasn't feeling all

this pain and sorrow and take it out on people and this and that I was able to be you know a good

good person I was able to be me you know and that's that's this program that that works and

it works only if I work it in and it's a God that works only if I let in and and the only way I let

them is I build a relationship and get to know them better and I truly I mean I I feel a God

conscious all the time I wake up and and I connect and connect again sometimes I'm like I connect 10

times in a day if I have to because you know I'm not a perfect person and I like to pull back and

self will run right but you know I'm I'm learning I'm a work in progress I'm in April 29 and and

you know and even then I'll even today I'm working products and as long as I can stay in that in that

frame of mind that when I wake up today I'm gonna learn something new about how to be a better

person how or learn more about who I am and learn more about how to apply this to my life you know

then I'm in good shape I get to the day where I got this figured out then I'm in I'm in I'm in bad

bad shape you know and I like that I like that idea that you know I'm a work in progress I was

told that when I got here I had to be teachable and I'm still teaching you know and and where I

get a lot of the lessons from and where I learn the most from is when I work with others I mean

they're the best teachers in my life when I got new guys or just someone I'm working steps with

and we're doing whether it be a big book 12 and 12 there's a few of the books I use that are

very step oriented and that's where I learn the most from the guys I work with you know and you

know that's that's the thing I enjoy more I love going to meetings and I hear people share about

what's going on and I get to identify you know that's where I can meet people to work with but

there's nothing better than that one-on-one you know just like Bill and Bob sit at the kitchen

table that is the just the best when it comes to being so it's working that one-on-one with that

person you know and uh I'm glad I was never a big oh yeah let me go hurry up and go sponsor

my sponsor was pushing me out there at one year's over I'm like no no no I resisted it for for years

um because I was afraid I was what if I tell them the wrong thing what do I do the wrong you know I

got all you know I was just afraid I didn't know you know and that was the problem because I didn't

know once I started getting into the to the steps in the 12 and 12 then that step study I started

to understand and then I was like okay let me put my hand out too because now I started to feel

confident that you know I I might know a little bit more than the guy helped because prior to that

I didn't think I knew that much you know because I know but the only thing I did right was don't

drink one day at a time you know that's what they told me no matter what don't drink no matter

you know and and in that time where I where I wanted to drink and I bought that beer and I put

it in the fridge all I remember is two three weeks later I'm looking in the fridge for something to

eat I see this bag in the back of the fridge oh I thought it was leftover Chinese food I pulled out

it was that beer I totally forgot it was there it's been sitting in that fridge for and that's

how it is when I do this program right that stuff doesn't doesn't bother me it doesn't it's not you

know going into the grocery store in the quickest way get to the cheese go to the liquor aisle I do

that you know um I believe what it talks about in the big book about on page 101 where the guy runs

up to the iceland you know because he can't deal without he's hiding from alcohol but then here

comes the eskimo knocking on ziggler you know looking to get him drunk you know and I read that

story and that that tells me that you know I can't hide from it you know I just got to have power

greater myself you know alcohol was the greatest power in my life until I got sober and I found a

guy that was more powerful than alcohol you know and that's that's the other thing I I enjoyed this

guy you know I never didn't think there was a guy I just didn't think he was there and when I needed

god it was only when it was served me oh there's lights in the back oh god please get me out of

this one oh god please you know I put the mans that's not there for me to put the mans that's

there for me to ask what I can do you know and that's what I learned you know and that selfish

self-centered guy is not that self selfish I mean it runs through me but you know I give it to god I

get connected and I like not worrying about me my problems which I have but you know I just you know

I just rather focus on other things and you know I do the footwork to get my problems resolved

whether they resolve in the way I want it to or they just resolve the way god wants them to you

know and I don't know what your idea is about AA and being sober but um if you're like me and

you're not sure and you're a little afraid and no I don't want to give up my alcohol my drugs my

my best friend you know don't be afraid you know buy into it jump in the deep end feet first and

just do what the other people do that's what I found out you know if you do what this person does

and and they seem to be living life right then I do that you know and that's today you know I hear

someone say hey I do this you you you you seem pretty solid sobriety let me go try that and I

do like oh this guy you know he's on something this works you know and and that's the thing you

know it's it's an ever evolving uh thing with my sobriety about how to implement what is written

in that big book and put it to use in my life and that's the key thing a lot of people can

quote chapter and verse page and paragraph about something but yet they don't know how

to apply it to the life to make it work in theirs stay so you know and that's not about being smart

about how to quote it's about understanding how to apply it that's the whole thing it's a basic text

you know it's I'm in the school of sober lip you know that's what I'm in I'm in the school of sober

living how to live sober because it wasn't alcohol that was I was the biggest problem in my life and

I had I didn't have the skills and the tools to live out there in this world because I was

overwhelmed but alcoholic anonymous the 12 steps in the guide of understanding and most importantly

the people in the a helped me develop tools because I remember when I got here I was like

guy who was living in a cave for 29 years I had no social skills I used to sit with guys after a

meeting they talk and I was it's like watching a tennis match you know he says he says and they

ask me I say yes no yes no maybe I remember the first time I had a whole sentence I had like eight

words in the sentence and they're looking at me like whoa hey you're getting the hang of it here

you know I had to learn how to be sociable you know I was a person who didn't like people you

know people here who who regardless of my demeanor or my roughness or my lack of social skills they

invited me places they brought me in and made me feel a part of and that's that's big because

prior to that I wasn't getting invited places I mean there was several years where where I wasn't

welcomed at my parents house for holidays because it's a problem you know don't know how who's going

to show up happy and the right person shows up we don't know who's going to leave especially

if there's alcohol you know and the behavior was a big problem too but uh you know today I had a

good day today I behaved and I let god work and I look at my men's day we fellowshiped up for

and and I just it was a good day and I had this company you know I keep looking at the screen

through my wife was logging in but I guess she's heard me enough she rather go to bed early than

me talk about whatever and you know even this traffic that I hit I was like oh man I'm gonna

be late I never I'm never late but you know I got here right when I get supposed to get here so now

I know one thing about uh alcoholics now they have a hard time stopping and with that I'm gonna say

thank you and god bless