Angela's Journey: From Cop Daughter to Sobriety

Hi, I'm Angela. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Welcome. If you're new, welcome to Alcoholics

Anonymous. Thank you so much for asking me to participate in my sobriety and thank you

for your share. I wonder if we ran some of the same streets. My sobriety date is September

22nd, 1997. My sponsor's name is Lori L. and my home group is Principles Before Personalities

Book Study on Thursday night. All of that is really important for this alcoholic. I

was thinking when you were talking, what it was like for me as I grew up in the San Fernando

Valley in Granada Hills. My father was a police officer and I was a cop's daughter. That was

hard for me. I'm the kind of girl that in school all the way through, I was smart, but

I didn't want to be smart. I always wanted to be cool before I wanted to be smart. I

would leave honor classes and go into detention because I wanted to hang out with the guys

who had the spider tattoos on their wrists and the big down jackets and all that stuff.

I don't know that I ever sat and thought about anything that I did in my life really for

a long time. Even in sobriety, all I knew was I pretty much lived by default. I take

a drink and then I don't know. I'm the kind of alcoholic who's not afraid to be an alcoholic

at all. In fact, I'm pretty arrogant about it. Going through school, I'm half Mexican

and half white and that was really difficult for me growing up. There were a lot of fights

going through junior high. I felt like there was always some sort of fight and I was the

one in it. Going through those years of just being introduced to pot, back in the day when

pot was like pot where you just smoke it and then you eat a lot of pop tarts, not now where

you smoke it and then you're psychotic. It's a little different, but I think going through

life, I just liked getting high. I just like drinking. I love everything about alcohol.

I like the glasses that were, I mean the glasses, the bottles that were behind. I love Mexico.

I always said from the time I got here, me and my best friend, we've been trudging the

road together for almost 20, well, I have 25 and she's coming up on 25 years and I always,

we have a deal. If one of us is going to go out, we have to call the other because odds

are we probably won't both want to do it at the same time and I'm like Mexico or bust.

I like places. I love Vegas. I like a place that respects my alcoholism. You know, Vegas

respects my alcoholism. There's no shutting down. There's no last call. You just roll

and that's, that's how I like to, I like to drink and I like to use and I, and I'm pretty

serious about it. I have a blast, but in my mind I'm serious about my alcoholism. You

don't run out, you know, you make sure that you've got enough to get you between two,

two AM and six AM. Right. When there, when it's last call for me, it's, it's like a deployment,

you know, it's last call. And I send like six different people out to go get booze,

like go pick up, you know, go pick up a case and then we're all going to meet at, at, you

know, Tom's house or something. And then you figure you send out six and if three get lost

along the way, at least you get three back, you know, as soon as the, as soon as the booze

arrives, I start hiding it, you know, I hide it. I mean, I'm the girl who's hiding it behind

the cereal in someone's cupboard, whatever house I'm at in the lettuce drawer, you know,

I can't run out. I can't run out. And I wasn't an everyday drinker for a long time. I don't

think I was ever really an everyday drinker, but going back. So in my house, my father

was an alcoholic and I can say that cause he says he's an alcoholic now and he's actually

in recovery and by the grace of God, the 12 steps and what you guys taught me, my father

saw my, my life change as an example. But growing up in my house was, it was not fun.

He came home and he was tense from the streets, you know, he worked Rampart division for 20

years. He was tense from the street and he had four girls, you know, and, and, and our

house was like, it was just batten down. Like you could not get in that house. You could

not get out of that house. Everyone, you know, it was the days of, you know, the hillside

strangler. It was the days of Richard Ramirez, right? Serial killers were going on in the

San Fernando Valley. And, and I just remember just being so scared always yet my dad was

my hero and my father's not a big man. Like it's interesting when I look at him now, he's

like five, eight, but God, my father was just enormous to me. You know, he just was everything.

And I was a daddy's girl. My mom left me when I was three years old. And in 1996, my mom

died on fourth and spring and she lived my life on Skid Row. And when I was three, my

sister was an infant and, and my mom never came back to get us. And, and what I know

today is it wasn't that she never came back to get us. It was that she could never stop

drinking and using. I'm sure she probably meant to come back and get us. And I don't

know about you, but I always mean to do things when I'm drinking. I really do. Like I mean

to go to work, you know, I mean to pay you back. I mean to pay my bar tab. I mean to

register my car, you know, I mean to get insurance. And like, I'm always in the big book. It says,

we judge ourself by our intentions. The world judges us by our actions. And I'm the kind

of alcoholic who is always trying. I'm just trying to get it together. I'm just, I'm just

trying to get it together. And I grew up in a house where there was a lot of violence.

And as a result, I came out a pretty violent girl and I didn't understand the difference.

You know, I didn't understand because in my house, when you don't do what you're told

your head. So when I'm in a relationship with you and you don't do what it's, what you're

supposed to do, I just hate you. And that just made sense to me. You know, that was

love for me. Love was chaos. Love was dramatic. Love was intense. You know, punk rock years,

you know, phases, Fabian's like there was always a nightclub and, and things were going,

I remember when I was 18 years old, you know, my father always said, young lady, you live

by my rules under my house, period. You know, I said, yes, sir, to my father, you know,

there was no that, that there was no, my dad knew where I was all the time. You know, when

my friends were, I was getting high in junior high, but when everybody was like popping

the fence and going to do what they were doing, I would stay on the fence. Cause if I hop

that fence and I get caught, it's not going to go well at home. You know, I didn't want

to fight. I didn't want to be the girl who was fighting like earrings off fighting. You

know, I wasn't white enough to be white. I wasn't Mexican enough to be Mexican. It was,

it was just, there was a lot going on and I was always in love with somebody because,

you know, there's always someone that you're looking to, to make the part of you that doesn't

feel enough, feel enough, you know? And that's what I was looking for all the time. And,

and drinking and using just, it just became a thing. And in the eighties it was, it was

Pat Benatar, you know, it was, it was like we were wearing lingerie and fishnets and,

you know, and it was like, you know, cocaine's a big part of my story and I drink to use

cocaine and I use cocaine to drink. And I think they just, for this, for me, they're

just a beautiful combination. And I gave that combination, you know, a good decade plus

in my life I used for 20 years. And, and I just, once I, once I had it in me, I just,

there was just something that happened to me that just felt so right. And in the big

book, it talks about that, right? Like I get the ease and the comfort from a drink. I get

the, I get that, like, I know what it's like to feel like, I like the glistening of the

bar. I like dark dingy bars. I like bars that open at 6 AM. You know, I, I, when I was,

I married a guy when I was 18 years old. I was in a relationship with this one guy who

was a hairdresser. He was my first love. I loved him when I was in elementary school

and I used to go kick him in the shins every day, you know, and like run away. And, and

it's funny, he's my hairdresser today and he still has, he has like bumps in his legs

from when I'd kick him really hard. And, and then I'd run away. I wanted his attention.

And I met, I met my ex-husband, you know, and he was Irish and he had green eyes and

he was a skinhead and everybody was afraid of him and everybody wanted him and he wanted

me. And that was all, that was all a young girl like me needed at the time. You know,

I didn't know what I needed. I didn't know values. I didn't know beliefs. I didn't know

connection. I didn't know the things I know today. I didn't know what the inventory has

taught me. I didn't know what you guys have taught me. All I knew was that some everybody

wanted somebody and that somebody wanted me and that made me feel important. And when

I got here, I needed to feel important because I never felt enough. So I had to overshoot

the mark, right? It was like I was never enough or it was too much. It was just always such

an internal battle. And when I drank and I used, it's like, it didn't matter. Like none

of that stuff mattered and alcohol became my medicine and alcohol made the, made the

playing field even. And I, and nowhere in my life has ever made the playing field even

until I came to you. Alcoholics anonymous makes the playing field even. We don't care

what you look like, where you came from, what's going on with you. We all are alcoholics and

we all have a same solution. And I understood camaraderie. You know, I joined the military

when I was 18 and a half. It seemed like a good idea at the time. You know, I was on

a vendor and there was a commercial on and you know, there were helicopters and you know,

there was stuff going on in the commercial and then there was this woman. And what I

realized now, like some, it's a different place for me today. It's like a tender place

when I think about it. But what it was at the time was, you know, there was this woman

and she was standing in front of the room and it looked like she was teaching and it

just, I just, I didn't know what that was, but it kind of looked like she just knew,

I don't know, like what she was doing, I guess maybe in the world. And then it just said,

be all you can be. And I forever will say that be all you can be is probably one of

the biggest parts of my story. Because when I saw that there was a knowingness that I

didn't know what I didn't know, but I felt something that I knew I wasn't being all I

could be like, I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what I was here for in this

world. You know, I didn't, I had lofty dreams or whatever. I just knew that that hits something

in me. And, and I went down to the recruiting station, you know, like a week later and my

ex-husband who was my boyfriend at the time had been in the military and you know, he

was a ranger and there was a whole thing. So I went in the, I went in the army and I

joined in March and they had a delayed entry program. And I love, I mean, I'm an alcoholic.

I love to make commitments that I don't have to do for a really long time, right? Because

then I feel like I'm making good choices, but I don't really have to show up for them.

I just get to like, feel like I'm making them. So I signed in March, but they didn't pick

me up at 5 AM after a long, long night of using and drinking until November. So from

March to November, I had permission. I mean, I was about to serve the United States. So

I had permission from March to November to just get it on, right? Like just, I was already

doing it and I just maxed it. I had three goodbye parties. I mean, it was just, you

know, let's go into the army, you know, it was just whatever we could do to drink and

use around me going to the army. We did it. You know, I hung with a really tight crew.

It's a crew that I, I actually still miss today. You know, a few of us, a couple of

us got sober. A few of us died and the rest of them can kind of enjoy their drinking.

I don't love the lives they live from the inside. You know, I like it. I'm not the kind

of person who wants to talk clean and live dirty. Like I want to, I want to live clean

and talk clean. Like I want my insights to match my outsides today. I don't want to be

someone in the rooms who acts like I know what's going on. And then I'm, you know, I'm

doing stuff on the side. You know, I want, I want to do this thing. I want to do anything

with everything I am. That that's how I am. I, anything I do, I do it with all of me.

And so when I, when I got, so I go off in the military and I'm there for four years

and I'm in South Carolina, you know, I go through basic training and that's just, I

can't, with the detox in basic training is so intense. I am so sick. I have made a horrible

mistake. You know, I was like, Oh, this, this is so not Demi Moore. You know, this is so

I'm scrubbing a tooth, a toilet with a toothbrush. I am nauseous. I am, I didn't know that I

was dependent on alcohol at this point. I am just, I am so lonely away from everything

that I know. Cause what I knew was the pod and we drink and we use and we do all nighters

for like three or four days. But you know, you know your people and I knew nobody and

I was there and I was just, Oh, there was no way out. And, and it was the first time

I ever understood real commitment, like real, no matter what, you know, with the exception

of killing myself or getting pregnant or being insane. And you have to be super insane because

they've invested in you. So you don't just get to like, have a bad day and they're like,

see you later. You know, you, you gotta really have lost your marbles to get out of government

once they own you. And I fought, you know, I just fought, I fought and I fought and fought.

That man I married, he beat me and I beat him. You know, I wore steel toe Doc Martens.

You know, he was a punk rock skinhead who dove into, you know, mosh pits. And I was

the girlfriend who just, you know, he, he threw the first blow and then I was in, you

know, it was just, it was madness. It was like, they didn't Nancy natural born killers

and true romance, you know, and, and from, for the alcoholic in me, it was heaven because

it was just so wrong. You know, everything was just so wrong and I didn't hit a bottom

for a long time. Like I would have, I'd be hung over where it's like, Oh, I don't feel

good. And you go get like a McDonald's cheeseburger, you know, you're like, Oh no bubbly stuff.

And you kind of make it through the hangovers, but I didn't hit like a bottom for a long

time because I was, I was rolling, you know, it was everything from limousines to Hollywood

to dingy bars in the Valley to, so it was a lifestyle for me. We're at the beach all

day. We'd start partying at Malibu in at five, you know, we were, it was a thing. It, it,

it owned me. My alcoholism just was me. Angela was an alcoholic, you know, living in untreated

alcoholism. And on September 21st, 1997, I was taking a shower and I was getting ready

to go out for the night and I wanted to go dancing. I love to dance. The truth was I

never really danced when I was drinking, but I thought it was going dancing. Right. But

then I'd end up at the bar in the bathroom, you know, you know, cocaine in the bathroom,

the bar, the bathroom, the bar, the bathroom, the bar, the bath. I mean, literally I'd spend

more time in the bathroom stall than I did on the dance floor, you know, and, and I kind

of prayed and I was just like, God, you know, the God of my understanding then, which was

the one that my parents gave me, which was super confusing for me and really was contradictory

to what I humanly felt about this existentialism that I think this human experiences, but nonetheless,

they gave me this God and I, and I prayed to it and I just said, God, I just hope I

can't find any drugs tonight. Like I was always negotiating. Like I'm just like, it says in

chapter three, right? Like we're going to move from brandy to wine. It was like, I'm

just going to drink beer tonight or I'm not going to have Jagermeister. Like I shouldn't

have Jagermeister, right? Like that's, that's bad. And I'm just gonna like, maybe that's

wine, maybe some wine, you know? Cause I consider wine like, you know, like wine and, you know,

I like a long Island iced tea. Like why wouldn't you more bang for your buck? It makes so much

sense to me, right? Like how many shots are in one glass for the same price of this? I

mean, I don't understand why everybody doesn't do that. So, you know, it was just, and, and

I prayed and something happened that night and I couldn't find what I wanted and I couldn't

find what I needed all night long. And I'm the kind of girl, like I walk up to you, I'm

in a bar, you put a credit card down, I'm going to run your credit card all night long,

whether you know it or not. You know, I'm, I'm not proud to say that I manipulate and

take advantage of people and I don't do it sexually. I do it mentally, but nonetheless

I rob people of them, of the work they do. I take their money. I take their energy. I

take their emotional capacity. I led guys on like I did what I needed to do to get what

I wanted and what I needed. And, and that night was hard for me because I couldn't connect.

Like I couldn't meet the connect until I did it like three in the morning at like a finally

a last minute, you know, after party. And I ended up in the Beverly Hills hotel, which

sounds super fancy and I'm not a super fancy girl. I mean, today I have some fancy things

because God and Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me how to suit up, show up and be responsible.

So I have things because cumulatively my behavior has changed, but I ended up at the Beverly

Hills hotel and I have a hostage. I always take a hostage, a male or female. Someone's

with me and we're going on the ride. You know, I had a friend, she's Bolivian and she used

to go, mama, how come every time I'm with you on a date, it lasts for so many days,

you know? And it's like, cause you're in and we're hitched. You know, I had like this,

you know, I didn't grow up in the streets, but I had this street mentality. Like we're

in, we roll, you know, that's just what you do. And you stay with each other until there's

no need to stay with each other anymore. And she needed to go to work the next day. And

I told her to call in sick, you know, because I don't care about people's rent. I don't

care that she had bills to pay. I don't care that she could lose her job. I'm like calling

sick. She's like, no, I don't want to call in sick. I said, why? She goes, I never call

in sick. I'm like, perfect. Call in sick. This is great. You've got a clean record.

You can call in sick. And she didn't call in sick and she left. And I remember I was,

there was some strange guy who I didn't know that I just met and there was a full mini

bar and a quarter ounce of cocaine and she was leaving. And thank you God that, that

in that moment, instead of staying in that room where I could have put myself in danger,

which I had done many times before, something in me made me walk out and I remember I was

mad at her the whole way home. We have to take a cab home because I don't know where

my car was because I lose my car a lot. And you know, I lose my car and I use my driver's

license for sure. Often when I'm drinking and, and something happened and I couldn't

fall asleep on September 21st, 1997 when I got home and I, I drank my beer and I took

my Tylenol PMs and I tried to come down and any downers that I had and I couldn't do it

and what I realized today is I hit a spiritual bottom and I reached out to, to somebody because

I had a friend who had gone to the Valley Club and she had got sober and long story

short I somehow had some woman's number in my phone and I called her and, and, and there

it was. And one alcoholic started talking to another one. And as she started talking

to me and I was scared and I had no desire to be sober and I had no desire to do what

I didn't even know this was, I just knew that I didn't want to feel that way again. Like

I just didn't want to feel the way that I felt. And I don't know that I was sick and

tired of being sick and tired cause I'm telling you right now, I know I have run in me. I'm

not an alcoholic that comes to these rooms and says, if I go out again, I die. I'm not,

which is why I have to work harder because I've still got run in me. I, my untreated

alcoholism will channel into workaholism and it'll go different places when I'm not spiritually

centered, but I know for a fact that I've got run in me and I'm honest with myself and

in the big book, it says that for, for me to know that I'm an alcoholic, I have to be

honest with my innermost self. Like you don't have to know I'm an alcoholic, but I better

know I'm one. I don't think Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place to get sober, but it's the

only place for this alcoholic just to get sober and to stay sober one day at a time

because I am full of myself. I am full of ideas about how I can rearrange your life

and my life and the world's life so that everything can be okay so that I can feel better. And

I called her and she took me to a meeting and I was super snotty, weighing about a buck

10. I didn't have a car. Both my boyfriends had left me. I had no money and I showed up.

She took me to an AA meeting. It was the super big, the big top Pacific group AA meeting.

And anyone who's been there knows there's a line to get in. Right. And I'm standing

there and I must, I'm sure I'm half naked, you know, like mini skirt and heels and I'm

looking at her and I'm smoking and I'm like, why are we standing in this line? And I've

gotten all ego with no, no self esteem and I'm, I'm empty inside, but I've got a lot

to say about everything. And, um, and I looked at her and I said, you know, you know, and,

and she looked at me and I say this in every share because one day I'm hoping that I find

her because she saved my life. So I always share this part and I always get emotional

because in that moment she could have said, well then leave. In that moment she could

have had a resentment in me against me because she was trying to help me and I had an attitude,

but instead she just put her hand on my shoulder because she knew that I was a sick alcoholic

and she knew that I was filled with ego, self-centered pride. And she said, it's okay. So we'll get

in there pretty soon. It's okay. And she just kept me just settled enough to make it in

that meeting. You know, I don't remember that meeting. I don't remember much of my first

year of sobriety. I smoked a lot of cigarettes. I was on unemployment. I ate Red Vines constantly.

I had anxiety attacks. I had panic attacks. I used to think every time an airplane, I

just remember this, you probably never heard this. My response probably never heard me

say this. I use every time an airplane used to fly over, I would literally tuck and tuck

as if the plane was crashing into wherever I was living. And I remember that went on

for a long time. I'd have panic attacks while I was driving and have to go in the slow lane

and repeat the serenity prayer because I didn't know how to have feelings. I didn't have feelings

from the time I was 12 until I was 32 years old. So when I had a feeling, it felt it was

a lot like I couldn't breathe and I would panic and I would panic about the feeling

that I was having that I didn't understand it was a feeling and then I couldn't breathe

and I didn't feel dizzy and I would just do the serenity prayer loud and, and be in the

slow lane on the freeway driving. And anyone who knows me, I do not drive slowly and just

trying to like get it together. And, um, and I got a sponsor and some guys stood up in

a meeting. I was at the 12 noon Moorpark. And after the meeting, are there any announcements?

And he was like, Hey, I'm putting together a softball team if anybody wants to play softball.

And I love softball. And I, if I had would have had a different life, I would have played

softball all the way through and I would have done college ball. And I, I like that. I have

like, I know we don't wish to shut the door. You know, we don't ever, I have regrets about

some things. Like I were some things I wish I would have done. It's okay that I didn't

do them. Cause I love what I'm doing now, but there were some things. So he stood up

and he said, you know, we're playing softball and, and I went up to him, you know, in my

high heels and my mini skirt. And I was like, I play softball and you know, and he and I

joke about it. He's been my friend for almost 25 years because we made a joke cause he looked

me up and down and threw me in right field. And, um, I had a resentment and, and, and

after he saw how I played, I played first base for the next like decade when we played

together, but we always joke about it. And, and I went to the dances, you know, and I,

and I met a girl and, and she just, she spoke here, you know, Sari, Sari's my best friend.

And, um, I have six months more than her. And, um, there was a guy, you know, his name

was Steve. He's, he's dead now. And, uh, he was in a wheelchair and he had, he was sober

for seven years and then he had gone out and long story short, he had a big attitude and

probably more women than I'd ever seen any guy have. And Sari and I, we were out one

night and Steve asked me to meet him for dinner and Sari was at the restaurant and I saw Steve

cause Sari and I didn't even know that I cared. Cause I didn't even know that I wanted Steve.

I was just there, but what was I doing? But I got mad cause I just get mad. And then Sari

had an attitude and I turned around and was like, you know, what's up with you? You know,

and there I was ready to throw down with Sari and you know, she looked at me and she started

crying and she's like, I liked you, you know, and then boom, we haven't, we haven't, we've

talked to almost every single day for the past 25 years. You know, she's my best friend

and my tragic buddy. And we just started doing the crazy things you do when you're new, you

know, when there was an event, we went, when there was a panel, we went, when there was

a marathon meetings, we went, when there were dances, we went. I mean, we just, we just

AA just caught me. I'm so lucky AA just caught me. Not, it doesn't catch everybody. Some

of us go in and out. Some of us want to be caught and we can't get caught, you know,

and it made sense to me. Alcoholics Anonymous to this date makes sense to me. It is a practical

application of a spiritual program that lets me from the time I opened my eyes to the time

I go to sleep, live in this world. And it, it's a design for living that works for me

and I can do it like I can do this with you guys. You guys love me. You guys listen to

me talk about the same things over and over. I called a woman every day at any time and

she always answered the phone and I never said, hi, I'd really like to know how I can

stay sober, change my life and be of service to the world. I called her and said, do you

think he'll ever call? You know, my boyfriend who, when I got sober, left me for the coke

deal. You had both Eric braids and really big tits and I was super jealous. And I was

like, do you think he'll ever call me? You know, and she would just talk to me like,

you know what, sweetheart, they always call because they always call. And then we would

just talk about AA and we would just talk about my day and she would just be there.

And one phone call at a time, one meeting at a time, one activity at a time, my days

started stringing together. My days started stringing together and I started understanding

things like maybe when you hugged me, it was okay. Cause that hugging thing at first, I

was like, why are you touching me? You know, like I don't, I don't like people touching

me unless I want you to touch me. I'm still like that. You know, if you're in my space,

I've, I've softened a lot over the years. It took me nine years to realize I'm not supposed

to put my hands on somebody. And that was embarrassing for me because I didn't know

that I wasn't supposed to hit people until my sponsor took me to breakfast one day at

Twain's and she sat me down and I put my hands on somebody and she said, Angela, I want to

talk to you about something. And I was like, you know, I didn't have a mom. I had a dad

and I just, and, and I said, okay. And I'm sitting there with my little bacon and eggs

and she said, sweetheart, she said, we don't hit people. And it was revelatory for me.

I was kind of like, you know, when your dog goes, it was like, and she just said it was

so much love. She goes, we don't hit people. And I just, it was a new idea for me, you

know, alcoholics anonymous gives me new ideas and it was a primitive one, but I was like,

oh, okay. She said, we talk about things and we pray and we don't, we, that's not how we

resolve things. And I was like, oh, okay. You know, and, and then I had sponsors teach

me things like it's, you know, when you're talking, I'm supposed to listen to what you're

saying instead of think about what I want to say as soon as you're done. Right. I learned

that I should walk up to you in a meeting and I should say, you know, hi. And this meeting

is very, I love the AA in this meeting. I had like six people come up and say hello

and put their hands out and it was warm. It's it's, you know, I love the, I like to be the

loving arms of alcoholics anonymous. I learned in this room, be careful who you decide not

to like, cause you never know who's going to save your life. You know, I learned that

when I have a resentment, it's because I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I want or

I'm losing what I have. And that my self centered fear, fear centered on me, fear centered on

what I'm not going to get or what I'm going to lose is going to drive me to make decisions

that are going to cost me the magic of God. Right. I learned that the life that I want

for myself is hardly even close to the life that God's got for me. You know, what it's

like today is I was just talking with Karen, you know, I don't get to, I don't get to sponsor

as many people as, as I'd like to. And because God gave me a career that's big, I own a company.

I do something I never intended on doing. I'm very clear. Alcoholics anonymous is for

fun and for free. And I never wanted to mix that in the world of recovery. You know, I

never wanted to mix my recovery where money was in and all the doors closed at one point

in my career, like literally every door closed and I'm highly employable because I was so

inconsistent that I've done just about everything. I was like a paralegal. I was a makeup artist.

I was a this, I was a that, I was a soldier. I was, you know, I've done so many things

in my, I was a secretary. I worked in aerospace. I mean, you know, and, and all the doors closed

and the only door that opened was to the mental health industry. And I was, ah, you know,

and, and, and I needed to pay my rent because God puts me in circumstances and situations

that demand attention because I'm the kind of alcoholic that doesn't hear a whisper.

You know, I, I, I hear the whispers more today than I used to, but when it's big stakes on

the table, when it's love, when it's money, you know, romance finance, when it's big stakes

on the table, I kind of have to be hit in the head a couple of times, you know, because

I really still, I think it's human, it's instincts that talks about it in the 12 and 12, but

I still really pages 60 to 63, you know, I still really think sometimes that my plan

is just, it's a good plan. You know, I know that thing of like, tell God your plans and

watch God laugh, you know, and all that stuff. But there's sometimes when, you know, I don't

let go easily. Control is one of my biggest character defects. It's why it's also a great

asset. You know, I run a great company. I know how to make things happen. I'm a doer.

It's also a deficit that I will, you know, God's got to like, God's got to just, I have

to be almost bleeding before I'm like, fine. I surrender, you know, and then when I surrender

each and every time the peace of God, spirit, universe, higher power, whatever it is for

you washes over me. And for those of us who know that feeling, there is nothing more beautiful

than when the peace of God washes over you and you know that you are exactly where you

need to be in the moment. And I wish I could tell you, do I get there faster than I used

to? Yeah. Do I intuitively know how to handle situations differently? I do. I mean, I'd

be, you know, otherwise I hello work a program, right? I do. I get there faster, but I still

get caught up in my same stuff, right? I still can get caught up on any given day. You may

say something and what you say and what I perceive, there could be a gap in between

it. You know, perception thinking is the problem that this alcoholic has. My thinking will

take me to my drinking, my perspective and how I translate what you're doing or what

a situation is. If it is rooted in fear, I am on my way to some painful places or closer

to a drink. If it's rooted in faith, I'm on my way to maybe learn some lessons, some recovery,

some hard times. I'm going to get sloshed around a little bit because that's what life

does. Life, life, life, life. How I respond to life will define the experience that I

have in life. And that's what AA gave me, the power of knowing that only in the first

step in my power list, two through 12, I am empowered. And what God said with Alcoholics

Anonymous is check it out, Angela, put down the booze, put down the drugs and just one

day at a time, why don't you just try and let me guide you with breadcrumbs? I pay attention

to what people say because answers come in your words. I just heard something said to

me the third time in a week period and I was like, that was three different people. And

they say it randomly. Like someone will go, well, did you ever think of, you know, and

then suddenly I'll hear it a few times and I'm like, I'm getting something like something's

coming to me right now. I'm supposed to listen to it, but if I'm so focused because I'm afraid

if I lose this thing, if this thing changes and I'm only looking here, I'm missing everything

that God's going on out here. I'm missing things that could be amazing. And I'll close

with this in the, in the third step prayer, which was the prayer that I, I just, it changed

me because I get to offer myself to God because I'm here. I want to be all used up when I'm

out of here. My mom died in 1996 and I had to pull the plug on her even though I barely

knew her. And that's a whole nother story. And I had a spiritual awakening there even

though I was still asleep because I was still using. But I know that when I'm out of this

one, when this chap, this life, whatever this is, and I don't know what it is and I don't

know what God is because in the big book it doesn't say you must find God and know what

God is and define God. It said, check it out. Just seek God, whatever God is for you. Just

look for it. I know that I want to be used up. I don't want to die the way my mom died.

She never really lived her life. She never really lived her life. I don't want to die

and not live. So I want to risk. I want to take the jumps. I want to take the leaps.

I want to go to the emotional places that are super uncomfortable for me. I want to

cry in front of you when I'm sad. I don't want to apologize for it. I want to be messy

because I have a feeling and I could be wrong and maybe I'm just nuts. I have a feeling

that at the end of it, the only regret I would have is not tasting everything, right? I just,

I just want to do it. Whatever it is, I want to, I want to die knowing I lived and Alcoholics

Anonymous has given me that. So thank you.