From Beach Parties to 24‑Year Sobriety: H's Journey Through Trauma and Recovery

Um, uh, my name is H Brown.

All I'm alcoholics.

Thank you guys for being here.

I do you guys out in the zoom lane and, um, and thank you for your sharing,

sharing your honesty and your pain.

Um, so I'll just 24 99 is my sobriety.

And I always said, and I remember thinking this too, when it's like, you

know, hot out here in the Valley.

I remember thinking you just having grown up in the beach here in San Diego

and all that, that I knew I needed to get sober or, um, I knew I needed to

get sober or anybody you really want to get sober if you get so rock in the

summer line, you know, you'll notice like, uh, you know, one in China rooms

fill up and recover your homes, fill up because it's like the gig is up for the

season, you know, you find someplace warm.

It is anyway, but, um, I remember it was at the beach.

You could always find a, uh, like somebody with a beer or something.

Like, you know, you know, you're part of the local scene.

Someone can always, you'll always find somebody with a beer or

something or hangouts, whatever.

There's a party.

So it usually summertime was not the time, but so, um, but I remember, you

know, reaching my bottom and, and, and, and being, uh, I have to go through

an 80 man facility here in sun, sun Valley.

Uh, and, uh, we don't, we're walking to, uh, the softball across the street.

And, um, and this guy had like a tattoo of a 45 on his neck.

I mean, all these guys are tough guys that are from like prison and all that.

And I was like, what, what happened?

Like, what, what, what about, you know, I mean, this guy actually

turned out to be a nice guy.

All these guys are, you know, I learned a lot from it.

He humbled him because I always thought like, you know, these guys

are in prison from prison.

Whenever I went to college, you know, and whenever I was like one

neighborhood away from, you know, going up in the same world they were.

But I remember I learned a lot.

They humbled me because I learned that these guys, the guys had to survive

and then doing their time, whatever.

I learned a lot from bottom line.

I learned about addiction and it didn't matter.

You know, I've met some lawyers there that went down on crack, you know?

And, but anyways, you kind of backtrack to my story.

It's kind of like in thirds.

So the first third is living with my biological mother, kind of homelessness,

whole, you know, no food running from my abusive father, like that's a one third.

And the second third is a foster care.

And then the third is like college and then alcoholism kicking in and sobriety,

you know, so it's kind of, I think a bit like segment like that.

Um, basically when my mother, she came from, there's another country in Latin

America here and ran into, I guess my dad out here and he's like, you know,

a few generations in here and he was like, I didn't know he was an alcoholic.

You know, I just, cause I last saw him when I was three and that's beginning

when she took us from him and we just basically lived all over Los Angeles,

you know, and she was on the run from him.

Um, and she kept me out of school.

So I never almost didn't go to any elementary school, except for a couple

of days to get vaccinations in the early seventies, um, you know, and then,

uh, she was trying to keep, because she thought she was scared that he

was going to go snag me at the school.

So it was kind of a mixed blessing having not ever gone to elementary school.

And I'm a firm believer about this because my mom taught me two things.

She taught me, uh, like how to draw, she's going to have to draw ducks and rabbits,

like, uh, you know, Bart Simpson on the chalkboard and, and talking about God,

she didn't like me preach the Bible and I thought she was Catholic.

But, um, uh, you know, which I'm glad cause in many ways, my higher

power never had a problem with it.

Kind of saved me through a lot of my drinking, but, uh, you know, she would

cross this before he left the house and, uh, and then I remember a couple of times,

you know, there was no church on office.

She didn't say nothing.

He was more of an example human being.

Um, I remember going to the Catholic church a couple of times and, you know,

where she was just doing her little thing and I would be in there seeing

like Jesus on the cross and all that.

And I didn't know anything about everything surrounded.

I just thought like this guy looks like he's in pain.

There was still something powerful about it, you know?

So I understood as a child that, you know, she honors it.

I'm going to honor it, you know, and I just always kept this little private

thing with God, you know, growing up, you know, I was playing the canyon and doing

everything by myself because I wasn't in school, you know, and, um, and so, so then

I remember like, we're seeing a little pigeon, uh, that got run over, like a

cardio and it's still like barely breathing in its eye and all that.

I remember as a kid seeing, you know, seeing this and thinking, and this is

where I find I was blessed to have this experience because I knew that patients

didn't do anything to get run over, you know, like, like it wasn't its fault kind

of thing, it was like an event here on earth or whatever.

And, and, um, and, and that, but I knew that it was, it was, he was going to go

and be with God or something, you know, I kind of like made that sort of little

mental calculation, but I understood right then, like, this isn't about, you

know, like, Hey, God's supposed to protect us all or kind of a thing is I know a lot

of people come into, you know, AA or whatever bad life events happened to them

and they'll think that they naturally default to like, you know, why would God

let this happen?

And, and, you know, you could easily turn your weight into me as far as I'm

concerned.

And I almost had a close call relapse to Mr.

Brody is that, you know, you're not going to make it without God, a God

something, you know what I mean?

This is, there's, I'm just, that's my opinion.

Again, a lot of what I'm saying is what I've experienced and what I saw, you

know, um, I first came to AA in 92 by, you know, you know, suggesting of a

therapist and, um, there's not like I was trying the whole time until 99, but I was

trying to, you know, I met my ex-fiance in college and college and all that.

And I remember she liked this drunken artist, artist guy in class, but like,

once you start a date and all that, she's like, yeah, you need to quit.

You know, cause I, I, I started to act like an idiot, drunk and jealous and

fear and all that.

So that's began like trying to stay sober for someone else kind of thing.

Even I didn't really know at the time, you know, but, uh, you know, once we

kind of give time for three years, all the torment, and then she finally left.

And then I would, you know, go back out and like, forget that she's gone and

drink, drink, drink and geographic up here to become an animator or whatever.

I thought it was a, you know, change the world with my drawing.

Um, and then I would eventually like run out of steam up here.

Cause once you have AA in your knowledge, you can't like, you know, it's, you

drink, you'll drink twice as hard to kind of forget that, you know, you know what

you're doing is wrong kind of a thing.

And, um, um, and so anyway, so back, backtracking to my mom, like we were

kind of like all over LA and, and, and, and, you know, like hunger and just

open wondering what the heck she wasn't a drink or nothing, you know, she was,

there was no, I didn't see people jank or alter their minds when I was growing up

with, I mean, look around her, at least I just saw her kind of descending into

this hopelessness and she was not trying to take us down via San Diego to on some

bus, whatever, back to Central America, South America to our family.

Right.

And, um, and it was like, we were constantly on this, you know, there's

like shootings outside of that apartment where we're living and she like had

sneakers out the back window.

I mean, so I saw a lot of crazy stuff.

And when you're a kid, you don't have a long time as long, like an

hour's longer and all that.

So by the time I got into foster care, I mean, it's always, I was already set up

with this little surrealist, I mean, surreal tormenting little first segment

of my life, you know, that, you know, was going to contribute to like my,

you know, altering my mind.

Um, and, uh, okay.

So anyways, um, so she, you know, I, again, I didn't see her drink.

There was none of that going on.

There was all sorts of craziness.

And I remember one time she, uh, um, I don't know, she was trying to get some

help out in Santa Monica and, uh, uh, or something and we had like one way she

didn't have bus fare to come back or whatever we went and this happened a

couple of times and we lived like down there by Venice and La Cienega kind of

tough area.

And, uh, um, and like, I remember like we didn't have bus fare to get back.

And again, my mom wasn't a talker and explainer of stuff.

So I remember having to walk back in the coal, you know, torn clothes or whatever,

and seeing like green lights, the sidewalk, and just like, you know, are we

getting closer to home?

Are we getting closer to the next ring?

Like, no, no, no, no.

So I was in this kind of like already, like as a kid, you know, now my, my heart

always goes out to kids in war torn like countries and all that kind of stuff.

You know, when you, cause when you're a kid and you're going to things like this

and I imagine kids that see abuse and their father hitting them and their mom

and all that experience, the same thing, you're like a, you're, you're the mature

part of your adult psyche gets opened up when it shouldn't have been, you know

what I mean?

So you start to, you know, you get introduced to endurance and suffering and

you become what they, you know, you always had that term old soul and whatever.

I remember like going through all this and it's just kind of like, I know this

isn't what I'm supposed to be going through.

Like, you know, and you're a little kid in mind, you're making, I guess it was

pretty astute for, you know, my age.

I don't know, like I said, I think kids just mature when, when things like this

happened to them.

I remember when we got down to San Diego, eventually late seventies.

And, um, you know, right now we're like a motel room shelters or list, all this

kind of stuff, you know, having to check out 11 AM, you know, in the middle of your

favorite cartoon, you know, it's just all that kind of stuff.

And, uh, and you know, adults and whatever hearing stuff around you.

And I remember finally one night, uh, um, I guess somebody comes aware of us and

that we were in the school or whatever that they call the cops on us.

And for some reason we're walking around and like, you know, early in the morning,

right before the sound comes out, everything's kind of blue and dark still.

And two cop cars, like kind of come up, you know, the driveway in front of us.

We were walking and it was kind of not too much, right.

There was no houses around.

There was like, I remember there was a toy, so it was kind of weird, but the

cops came out and then female comes out, female police officer.

And they're like asking my mom, what are you doing?

And I'm just, I'm just going into this kind of like numb state.

Like w w you know, you know, the jig is up here, you know, I remember my anyway.

Uh, so then the, you know, the cops said, blah, blah, blah.

They do all this talking, whatever.

And they basically take her from us or, you know, separate us.

Cause they're going to put us in the receiving home, whatever, you know, they

put you in a receiving home before you go to foster care, set a court date, whatever.

I remember her collapsing and, uh, um, you know, like, you know, just falling apart,

crying, like, you know, uh, so it was not like I didn't know what to do.

I was, I almost felt like, you know, I just was stunned and just kind of going with it.

And then that, that key event would be sort of like the thing that I remember

would come to haunt me as, as, as once foster care took over and everything got

stabilized or three hot meals and whatever.

I had a great foster mom.

She got, uh, you know, I know the systems plagued the problems as a bad reputation.

And, but I lucked out because I had this good, uh, mom and, and, and she, you

know, uh, I would be with her from like 11 to 18, basically with one year hiatus.

Cause of my little belligerence.

But I remember like, you know, like I said, you know, when you're a kid, you

have this nightmare event, you know, time, and then all of a sudden you're

put in, you know, it was as a cul-de-sac street, you know, and she had her own

money.

Your husband had passed away in the aircraft landing at night and she never

remarried and started to just kind of give her love to children.

She would raise over like 30 kids or even more over time.

And I remember she went to the white house to get a, like an award for

service to the community and all that.

And at her funeral, there was like hundreds of people.

So I had good, you know, something saved me and injected, but it can

never erase that.

Like what happened?

You know, the cops took my mom and I, you know, I was like a good looking kid.

And the only reason why I mentioned that is like, when I've looked at annual

school, annuals and all that kind of stuff, you know, in retrospect, I played

football in high school, I would see like, that's not that person I see in

there was not how I felt when I was in school.

I was thinking this, you know, with the windows, like guys combing their hair,

whatever, like, you know, people that were brought up healthy and they love

themselves.

I was like in this dichotomous world, like the one thing that always kept me

sort of like being OK with myself was because I drew and the teacher would

always show off my drawings and people kind of like, oh, you're cool.

Like I had all R2D2 Star Wars figures wired.

I got with chalk in the ground and went people's hearts out of the street, you

know, when I got picked up because I was like a minority kid on my feet.

These summer when I first moved in, they're like indication.

You know, I was in the white neighborhood.

My mom was like, and I remember like, you know, like, yeah, what I do to you?

You know, I mean, I didn't understand this.

I understand when you're not in elementary school, all growing up, there

is no reference point.

There is no little scraps you get into and you learn the hierarchy and all that

crap. I came into that foster home like stone cold.

I don't know how to interact with people.

I don't know how to do the hide and go seek thing.

But I kind of liked it because as a child, you want to interact with people,

you know, but it's like when you're getting picked on out of the gate, I was

kind of like, you know, what the hell?

You know, so I remember I would draw like Boba Fett, like, you know, like who

was Boba Fett? Who's this guy now?

He's got it on the show.

I remember that guy is like this dude, you know, barely showed up in the old

Star Wars. But I remember drawing this X wing and all that kind of stuff on the

sidewalk and like, you know, winning people's hearts over like that.

But I was still in this little dichotomous world like, hey, you know, I got

something unique about myself, but still this kind of like like I don't deserve

or like what happened, you know, then it's not a thought.

I don't know, like other people have dealt with like abandonment or whatever.

It's like, you know, it's a it's a sensation for me.

It was just like you have this little heavy, you know, kind of a thing like,

you know, because you're seeing friends getting unconditional love and being

around, you know, whatever.

You see other kids getting stable house and they're laughing about stuff that

they're present, basically, you know, they're you know, and you're kind of

like, OK, I'm here with them and I'm laughing along with them.

But there's this kind of thing in the background like, you know, what's going on?

Because again, they didn't see me like alcohol.

I did make friends with this one guy.

You know, there was a Hispanic kid that was adopted.

And I remember like his family, you know, the first time I was ever exposed

to kind of like this world of like like drinking, because I remember his dad

coming home the first time I saw this, like he was a jolly guy,

you know, nearly retired Air Force came home one Friday night

and he had like this big flat of cardboard flat of Budweiser's.

And a carton of Pall Mall.

Like he came out of his car like, I'm done with the week.

And he had that like, look, I'm done.

I'm like, you know, I was looking at him like and he had that beer.

And it was like, you know, I didn't think anything of it.

But I thought, wow, that's there's no groceries or nothing.

But that's what he had.

And and then his mom was there like she's watching her novellas

and laundry all week, you know, everything seemed normal.

And next day, after I did my chores, I went over to his house to visit.

I remember walking in the house and his mom had like her eyeliner

running down and she had the little pinky out Budweiser in the Pall Mall.

And and she's looking at me like crying like, I love you.

You know, I love you like my son.

And I was in shock, like, wait, what's going on here?

Like I didn't you know, I never saw that.

You know, you guys see in movies as the drunk guy walking around, whatever,

but I never saw the Jekyll and Hyde different persona thing like, oh,

that's what alcohol does.

And I'm like, you know, oh, you know, this lady was making

a peanut butter sandwich midweek.

And now she's crying, you know, like that she loves me.

And and and I remember I was like looking for my friend and his dad.

And I went around the corner of the kitchen table

and his dad was going to sit there smiling with his beer.

And he's like, you know, like, ignore her.

And my dad or my friends was like kind of like, you know, she's crazy, man.

Just ignore her. I'm like, should we help her?

And, you know, I was like, let's get some ice cream, you know, my friend.

And and and I'm like, that was like my first introduction, like, whoa,

like this is people on the weekend.

They do this kind of thing or like, you know, something changes and people.

And so, like I said, strict foster home, great mom.

Like there was no way I would ever be able to drink, you know?

Yeah, I'll be able to drink.

And like, you know, she'd smell it just by the way.

Another thing that was kind of interesting

that happened at the house the very first night, I was going to ask

that everything was introductions, dinner, kind of go to sleep that night.

There it was lining up in front of a little lady,

which she was sitting and all of a sudden I guess I follow suit

and lined up behind them.

And then what they were doing was kissing her good night.

And I remember like by the time it was my turn, I'm like looking down at this woman

like I'm supposed to kiss somebody like I'm glad I had a household down,

you know, food, but like now I'm not going to kiss my mom.

I don't think I even kiss my own mom in the lips.

You know, I don't remember, you know, like I was kind of like king.

And and so I remember her looking up at me and saying, you know what?

I'm not here to replace your mom.

But here we kiss each other good night and we tell each other we love each other.

And she taught me that.

You know, she taught me like you imagine like like a surrogate duckling mom,

you know, giving, you know, some little straight duck, you know, some worm.

It was like it was exactly like that.

I was like, OK, I'm just going to like fake it till I make it.

And that's where I learned, you know, like like kind of like,

you know, puberty or whatever, when you become cognizant in the world.

She taught me it.

She taught me like like like a mom.

So so anyway, yeah, time flies.

Anyways, so like I mean, I would go through the whole little nine yards,

like my first junior high.

You know, everybody's is the Navy town, San Diego.

So I remember we went to the 7-Eleven and then,

you know, got the Navy guys to buy his beard.

I remember stuff in my pockets with these Miller highlights

and going to this party and that, you know, the backyard music is going on.

And next thing I know, I'm making out with a girl on one of the lawn chairs.

I'm like, whoa, OK, that's it's like Pavlov.

You're like, OK, this you do this.

You finally kiss a girl was a fantasy, but alcohol just happened.

And I'm with a girl.

And and so naturally, that's how we're live exposure,

seeing my friends while I'm drinking, you're going to parties.

You know, you know, football came around, I mean, winning team.

I worked hard. I was starting varsity.

I remember I remember like wanting to do it when I wasn't allowed to play

or go to the games on Friday nights in junior high.

But I remember like I'm like, I want to like do that thing, you know, like

and then finally like getting a letter in his jacket.

And I'm on the football team, you know, pumping iron and like deal,

kind of like I don't I don't feel I always thought like when I get to that

letterman's jacket, when I get that, everything is going to be cool.

You know, the shirt off, you know, I get the letterman's jacket and everything.

And I'm like, you know, I don't really know how to ask girls out kind of a thing.

And just whatever. Like I said, it's a good looking dude.

I'm like feeling like shit.

I mean, excuse me, it's like, man, whatever you do.

Oh, but I'm so. So, yeah, I was kind of like, you know, so only it was,

you know, I got accepted to apply to Cal Poly San Luis Obispo of engineering

and got it in their school I applied to.

And I remember like my scene, my scene halfway,

my halfway my senior year in high school.

I like I was like itching to get out of the home.

My mom loved me. No problem.

And then I remember picking an argument with her on my birthday.

You know, the county still pays for you to finish school, high school,

like if you stay.

And I remember like turning it was agreed that I was going to stay

till I graduate and I was like, oh, man, I want to go.

I'm like, whatever this partying thing is that, you know, I get girls

when I drink, I can't do it in this household is too strict.

You know, all this stuff was going on in my head.

So I like I started a fight with her argument.

And I'm like, you overlord me.

You know, I knew what I was doing.

So I'm like, I'm leaving now.

You know, I remember crying, you know, and all that.

And I don't want to go stay with one of my football buddies

and another punk rock friend of mine.

And that summer, that summer, I mean,

that summer with the second half of my senior year, I had my oh,

I got my ball bug with my work money I've earned and like living

at my friend's house, already accepted the cause everything was set.

And you could sign yourself out of your 18 years old high school.

And I would go home.

I would go to his house and do bonds and I come back to fifth period.

Humanities class like like just hide him.

And to me, I was when I would get high.

I was trying to hide and break off the other side, like Jim Morrison.

I remember reading a book that no one gets out alive by him.

I was interested in the mind expanding.

I wasn't interested in being like a,

you know, like stealing out Spicoli from you know what I mean?

I was like looking dumb.

I actually hung out with surfers and all that.

And a lot of the group I was like, what's that talking about?

Like they told me learn me how to play music while you're sleeping.

And they would look at me like, dude, shut up.

You know, with the little suntan lotion on the nose like that.

You're going to go crazy thinking like that.

You know, because they were just into being there.

I was like, you know, like mind expanding crap, mean stuff.

So anyways, I remember my fifth period in humanities class.

It was like, you know, we were talking about music and all that.

And it was perfect because I was high and I could talk in class and share.

And and the teacher, he had he walked by me one day because he liked it.

The fact that I would say he gave me a photocopy of

Abraham Maslow's theory of hierarchy needs.

You know, this thing about self actualization.

And just to me, you just remember he passed it to me.

And like he winked at me and he kept talking.

And I'm like, what is it?

And he goes and he's like, oh, he's telling me that guy.

You know, she's saying that, you know, you're smart like you keep doing what you do.

And like, you know, you got knowledge, kid, you know, in the wink of the eye.

And I remember that was like inadvertently kind of to me,

it was the biggest co-star, like, yeah, this is where you go.

This is, you know, like it was one of those things.

And that happened a few times.

And I'm trying to get, you know, why this thing up is that a lot of that thing,

like the adult world around me sort of would do things that kind of like,

you know, because I was all intellectual, a young kid.

They would say like, you know, you know, you're doing what you're doing.

And they didn't know like I was high on something and, you know, digging it.

So I automatically combined the two.

And I went off to college and started when I party just kicked in.

You know, when I left the foster home, like you're on your own,

you don't get to come back.

There's no coming.

That's when I went into shock about like, I don't have a home after my first year

and the money, the grant money and all that.

That was like, there's nothing.

I mean, I was flapping in the wind, like, like, what am I going to do?

Like, I was like scared.

That's when fear kicked in, you know, and like, you know, like, what are you know,

that that feels like you're in life.

And it isn't remember like, you know, alcohol teams to kind of like

kind of mellow the sound.

And there's a lot of stuff that happened or whatever that I can't really cover.

But that's what I kind of do.

Once I was on my own in life, whatever, there was no thanksgivings.

People to come home to and say, how are you doing in life?

You know, parent figures.

So I was just like off to the races, drinking and altering my mind.

But I learned one of my foot, the football coach,

some plumber came to the football coach after I left.

You know, you know, after I left the foster home, looking to have somebody

to dig, dig ditches for him or whatever.

And so I learned plumbing like out of high school, plumbing, electrical.

And I remember, you know, I went to live with that plumbing family in my 20s.

And they were like bohemian intellectual professor types.

And they had gin and wine and everything.

And I moved in at 19.

And I remember that's when it really started,

because I could be around adults and talk intellectually.

And they were again, they were praising me because I was, you know,

I had a high IQ, so I could like talk with the adults and stuff.

And it was that whole little encouraging, praising our drink.

And that would have my morning drink there and, you know, like go downhill.

And and, you know, I remember that morning drink, you know,

like more of Jim Morris instead, like woke up this morning, had myself a beer.

I remember hearing that as a kid, like, you know, it's disgusting, man.

The mornings for cereal, you know, like cartoons and stuff.

And when I heard that, like that's gross.

I had a beer. I tried a beer when I was a kid.

It was like raspiest thing I ever had. I'm like, what is it with you guys?

Like, this is garbage, you know.

It's in the Hawaiian punch, orange juice and milk, you know.

And no, it's still to this day, I think people are pissed when they're like,

you know, this wine goes with this good with this fish.

That's a raspy man.

You're drinking it for the buzz or whatever.

You know, you can pay a couple hundred extra dollars for that wine.

It's like so. Yeah.

So anyway, it's a heavy duty drinking, blah, blah, blah.

And then just fast forward, find my therapist.

It's one thing my foster mom got us all kids into.

It was in the therapy.

So I developed that habit early on.

I remember my 20s, early 20s,

like, you know, things are going right with dating and all this and that, whatever.

And and I remember, you know, her I went on walking to her office

for the first time when I started doing work with her.

And I was like skateboarding long hair, you know, showered in.

And at this point, alcohol is coming out of my pores and she's like, looks at me

and goes, don't you ever come to my office like that again?

It was the first times in adulthood that somebody said, you know, check me,

you know, like, whoa, you know, I need this lady.

You know, and what do I got to correct?

So I mean, I would make the effort not to come to our office,

you know, mints and not be drinking before I saw her.

But she was the first one to say, you know, my other clients go to the AA.

And I'm like, what is AA?

You know, like, you know, and it's like, you know, it's like Janet Craig.

I was joking about like Janet Craig before I was like, but I remember

that was the first thing I ever heard of where people sit in a circle and talk.

And but yeah, I remember going to my first meeting like I'm under 30 days.

Yeah, give me a book. Yeah.

You know, money saved them back was in college.

And I'm like, I'm doing this thing.

And I did a clunky year from 19 to 93 and went out again, whatever my ex.

And she, you know, and she's like, and I love you, but you got to stop.

And I'm like, I'm going to stop for her living in a halfway home.

And, you know, so I was smoking my GPC, just cigarettes.

It was the Londo Club a couple of blocks that way.

You know, her house seven blocks away

and a pay phone with a bunch of dimes for her to hang up on me when I'm yelling.

And then I'm punched in the wall and I'm going to go drink with my buddies,

you know, trying to stay sober for someone else.

Finally, she leaves, you know, I mean, she must have got an army

because she moved out one day, like completely gone.

And I'm like, well, thank you for getting to the window.

Like she's gone. And that's why it's good.

I'm going to drink and it went out after nine months.

And then I that I that's when I just came up, moved up here

and and then live in a CD hotel, Hollywood or Western.

I could see the Capitol Records building from the roof and like I arrived.

They won't be an animator.

And then and then, you know, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk working at film labs,

you know, just going to the bottom.

And then and then and then funny.

I knew the drill on a meeting at Yucca Street and met my sponsor there.

He spoke, you know, his junior high school teacher, the ex heroin addict,

just had the right philosophy. I need it.

He started me. I got 114 days, worked on my first film.

And, you know, just working, you know, whatever.

Well, to become a director and all this kind of delusional stuff.

But anyways, I remember working my first film, like, yeah, thank you, God.

So this is what surviving gets you.

Shaky, shaky program within a, you know, I was out there.

We got I remember I was in the desert working on the film

and I got a call pager the same thing like I got up and was calling.

He told me this late guy was staying with because every guy kicked out,

you know, because they got accused.

They got we got accused of stealing some from some lady in this building

that he managed and they found out the sons did it later or whatever.

I was kind of like I was in that shaky beginning with no like call your sponsor

first instead of I was like, give me all this good stuff.

So I did a little bit of that, you know, like, God, why are you doing this?

You know, I remember like, you know, gave me a movie to work on.

And then this happens.

I was all scared.

And so, I mean, I didn't drink right away, but it was like a matter of time.

I want to relax one of my last run and then for like a month or two.

And, you know, just did it.

I mean, at that point, you're like, well, well, well, well,

you know, going to some dive bar in Imperial Valley, like,

you know what I'm going to do in life?

And people are like, you know, get out of here.

We can tell, you know, you're so empty and lying that people can see

even a total stranger, you know, the lower companion types.

But anyway, I remember that's when I turned myself into the treatment center

and that's began my journey.

And then, you know, the first thing I realized is fine meetings,

his sponsorship, and I treated this like all I just started writing

and doing everything and like, you know, it was over.

I mean, there was no it was like I kept thinking about my foster mom,

like, you know, like she did what you're doing all this.

It was a waste like this is like spit on her grave.

You know, she passed away when I was, you know, drinking.

And I left a lot on a bad note, actually went to see her in my 23rd.

My drink and I was in this affair with this lady.

You know, it's like so idiot, like a 22, you know.

And and I remember like wanting to come see her.

And she goes, you can come and stay a couple, but you can't drink here.

And I remember I drank that night when I was staying with her visiting

and she goes, get out of here.

And I remember I first had her walk out of the driver and see her again.

And I would find out a couple years later as she passed away.

And I was, you know, like more like drinking to the guilt.

And but I remember like when I had to finally get sober.

Yeah, I had to like I think of her like, you know, you've been getting tools.

You know, you've been doing candid stuff.

There's no, you know, better.

You know, there's no there's no, you know, you can't.

I mean, it's just whatever you're going, it's going down a hill.

And so I mean, I began like scared.

I went to the treatment center and I remember, you know, so whatever.

I guess I'm not going to be able to tell you about the almost relapse.

But I mean, I'm searching, I can place and blah, blah, blah.

And meetings. The first thing goes meetings.

I remember listening to panels that came in the recovery home.

And and I got to go to a 25 after me. OK, OK.

So, yeah, so I remember. Yeah. So I said.

So anyways, I remember the panels came in because I was

I mean, I was like, OK, how do I do this?

You know, I'm looking at the panels and doing everything right.

Like whatever you need me to do, I paid attention.

People that had time lost it because they stopped going to meetings

and the people that kept it because they came down to me.

So my first early year, I had that little book and it's all delivering stuff

for the TV industry, El Segundo, Pasadena, everywhere.

And I remember I was like, you know, road, you know, OK, get out of the car.

You got to get that meeting.

I would find it. Thomas Guy, you know, like, you know, where's this meeting?

You know, and and no, trust me, I was like, oh, I've made a lot of friends

in remote places at meetings because I would just go in there

late at night when I was, you know, before going home until I get that meeting.

And so that's the whole thing.

And then when I almost drank, that's when I went,

you know, living up in the Hollywood Hills.

I had a friend build an Airbnb with a plumbing and electric skills,

never coming down and dealing with the stress of L.A. traffic

that would push me to a meeting.

And it just I didn't know it was just little by little.

And also some bad stuff happened.

This guy came in and started smoking weed when it got legalized,

you know, a few years back.

And I remember like I scared him because I got mad at him

because he was trying to make me do too much work and I was tired

and he kicked me out of there.

So I was like, again, back in shock, like, what do I do?

And I was so mad.

Like, I'm like, I'm doing everything right here and I'm still suffering.

Why this is this at least with a buzz is you suffer a little less.

My mind went there really fast.

They were like, hey, 13 years sober.

And they were like that was feeling like giddy, scared, like, you know,

like coming to go out, at least, you know,

I'll be able to feel that good serotonin release for four.

You know what I mean?

Where you can kind of control it, like whatever your stuff is,

you know, like you're at least I can kind of control it.

You know, get it.

I know it's going to happen the next couple of hours, listen to music.

And then, you know, then you can't hold a job.

You know, it's like whatever, you know, those.

But you're not thinking about that one about the relapse.

Sponsored, answered, and she could never answer after nine.

Now you're always in bed and just under God's shells like in Brentwood outside.

It's funny that my second sponsor was like Pacific group.

So I knew the meetings at the San Vicente, at that church and money or whatever.

But I remember sitting outside there in the dark, angry like, you know,

when I call them and I'm like, yeah, you know, you always wait,

you know, wait two days to answer back.

You know, what if I was having a drink at a bar or about you?

And he's just like, hey, I can't talk to you.

You're yelling at me.

And I like and then it's like, yeah, I get you kind of stopping my tracks with that.

I remember you started saying, when's the last time you talked to God?

You know, and he was right, because I was always, you know, like I prayed,

but I was just getting like procedure like it to the point where I'm like,

you know, I didn't say, look, God, I'm scared right now.

You know, like I'm used to like talking like you're talking to somebody.

Trust me, that words like if you do it like that and just throwing yourself

to whatever you believe in when you're scared and in a pinch,

I guarantee you're going to get an answer, you know, without fail.

And then I felt emasculated for a couple of years.

I thought I was going to be able to let this

little almost relapse fade and not bring it up again.

But it became part of my story.

You know, it's like it was it was like, I'm telling you, I feel emasculate.

I see people in two to three years, one doing the rah, rah, rah.

And I'd be like kind of scared and jealous and angry for a long time.

I'd be like, I want that spirit back.

And I would, you know, it was like a sad, but I fought for it back.

I fought for doing this and, you know, just I didn't know how I was going to get it.

And I never got back to that place.

I think, you know, so the bottom line, that's what this is,

what this is about, what I'm doing here right now.

I'm telling you, like I relished it when she charged me into doing this.

I said, yeah, you know, no, no.

I was like, she came out like, OK, I'll do it.

No, no. And I just bought this Monday.

You know, this isn't me.

You know, it hasn't been tailored yet.

Like he's like the eight day turnaround, like I'm wearing it the way it is.

Thank you. You know, trust that I work in the TV.

And it's like Bermuda Shore.

You come to an interview in the TV industry with a certain kind of like next.

I mean, not below the line people.

So anyway, that's it.

You know, I'm grateful for you guys doing land.

And just thank you, you know, from the bottom of my heart.

That's it. Good night, ladies.