Annie’s Path: Sobriety, Service, and Breaking Generational Curses

- Thank you everyone.

My name is Annie and I'm definitely an alcoholic.

- Hi, indeed.

- Thank you so much, Karen,

for giving me an opportunity to come

and give you guys a piece of who I am.

Usually we start with how it was,

but I don't want to start there today.

I want to share how it is today, you know?

And today I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have a sobriety date of September 23rd, 2018,

and I have a sponsor.

Her name is Patrice,

and she has a sobriety date of January 9th, 1979.

And to me, it's always very important to bring her

into my shares or every much thing that I do,

because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here.

She chose not to drink in 1979,

and in 2018, I chose not to have a drink.

So if she wouldn't be here,

there would be a possibility that I wouldn't be here.

And for that, I am grateful.

She's taught me how to be a woman

and walk around with dignity and grace.

You know, she constantly reminds me

that we took the third step in her car.

And I think I'm gonna get like a bumper sticker

or something like that,

because every time I call her with a problem,

she's like, honey, we took that third step in my car.

Do you remember?

We took the third step, so it's one, two, and three always.

You know, I don't work a perfect program.

You know, I am very nutty inside my head most of the time,

but today I get an opportunity to like, you know,

redirect myself when I can.

You know, I don't sit here and act

like I'm this perfect person, 'cause I'm not.

I'm very, so far away from being perfect,

even though I try to aim to be perfect,

but there's no such thing that's an illusion.

You know, I've done a lot of things since I got sober.

You know, I've been able to be a better mother,

you know, a better daughter.

You know, my mother sleeps well because I am sober.

You know, I am the glue that keeps my family together.

I am a single mother of four, two of who I gave birth to

and two who I didn't, but they're my children.

I have custody of both of my nieces

because my sister's doing 21 years in prison

because of this disease, you know.

I come from a background of alcoholism and institutions,

which are incarcerations.

And a lot of the time, you know,

I speak about my family because it's a family disease.

You know, it's not just me drinking,

they're being affected by it.

You know, it's just a whole ripple effect

in every way, shape, and form.

You know, all my siblings and I,

you know, we're all alcoholic addicts.

You know, my parents are not.

My parents, you know, they have their own issues,

but they never drank, they never used,

they never abused anything.

But I remind my mother especially that, you know,

it trickles and I remind her to look at her family

and the way that her brothers live

and there's definitely chronic alcoholism

amongst a lot of members of my family.

And, you know, I've done a lot of things.

I'm definitely embedded in service.

H&I is a big part of my sobriety.

It's the highlight of my whole recovery, honestly.

When I go to H&I meetings, like, I get filled beyond,

you know, I'm treasury of H&I, you know.

I have my own panels, I'm of service in the convention

and I love the convention.

It's just something that I look forward to every year.

It's like going to Palm Springs when you used to drink

and do all kinds of stuff.

But today I look forward to that weekend

of going to the convention and staying up late

and doing all these things.

And I've been able to find amazing friendships in the rooms.

You know, I've never had a problem with finding friendships,

but those friendships that I'm able to trust.

You know, I have a lot of trusting issues that I live with

that I'm currently still trying to work on,

but, you know, they're definitely good.

You know, this is a really good year for me.

You know, in three months I'm going to graduate

with my master's degree and it's a big deal.

You know, I'm first generation in my family, you know,

to even think about having a future today.

I get to have the dreams of owning my own home.

I get the dreams of, you know, more than the basic needs,

right, the American dream.

Is that what it's called?

You know, I come from immigrant parents

who migrated here from Guatemala

and I have to be a little bit better than them.

And that's what I pass on to my children.

I tell my son, you have to be better than me.

I gotta be better than grandparents.

Your kids are gonna be better than you.

And that's how we start breaking

these generational curses, right?

Because I don't wanna live.

Like, I don't want to just survive.

I wanna live.

You know, I wanna be able to get up and go,

but through that comes a lot of struggle.

You know, there's been a lot of pain in my life

that I had to work through, but through pain comes growth.

And I have grown in this time that I've been sober.

You know, I am grateful that I am an alcoholic

because I get to be the woman I am today.

You know, I'm raising kids in sobriety.

You know, my kids don't have to worry

about their mother driving drunk.

My kids don't have to worry about mom

missing events or whatnot, you know,

but I wasn't that type of mom anyways.

And I think that's what made me even more dangerous.

I wasn't, what do you call it, a functioning alcoholic.

I was still going to school.

I was still taking care of my kids.

I wouldn't drive a truck.

I wouldn't do all these things.

So in my mind, I didn't believe I had a problem.

But in reality, I was just trying to numb what I felt inside.

And I've never had a problem.

Like, I was never in denial of what I was.

I do believe I was born an alcoholic,

but I just wasn't ready.

Like, I wasn't there yet.

And I feel that, you know, everybody gets a number call.

Then when that number's called and it's your number,

then you have a good chance.

And that's how I feel.

I feel if I would've came into the rooms

before my number was called, I would not have stayed.

And I stay because I don't want to take that welcome chip.

That my ego is so big that I'm like, I'm never,

I hope I never have to experience.

At the beginning, it's cool, right?

When you're in your company, you're like,

oh yeah, my chips, my chips.

But then I don't know what that feels like

to retake that chip, right?

And I don't want to,

'cause I know people how horrible they feel inside

when they have to stand up as a newcomer.

So I don't want to experience that.

I don't want to cause pain to the people

that have fell in love with me sober

in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

When I want to drink, I think about my sponsor

and what I would do to her if I take a drink.

Because she's invested her time, her effort,

her time in trying to help me.

So, you know, I get that and it's just not her.

It's a group of women and men.

And if I go out, what would I do?

You know, I know that if I go out, I'm not coming back.

That's just the truth.

You know, I'm not going to sit here and pretend.

I'm not, so I hold onto my seat.

I drill nails into these seats

and hold onto the best that I can

because I know if I go, I won't.

'Cause I do love alcohol.

I love how it makes me feel.

I love the way that it took me away.

So I can't sit here and pretend that I don't love it

because I really do.

You know, I just don't obsess over it anymore.

I always share that I see alcohol like a lost love, right?

Like that love that you wanted so bad,

but you just can't have because it's going to kill you, right?

So like, that's how I see it.

That's how I comprehend it in my mind.

And, you know, great things have happened.

You know, I really do.

Like, I love being sober 95% of the time, you know,

and there's still that 5% where I wish like, oh my God,

like, can I just go?

Can I just go?

And, you know, I have my dreams

and I think within my dreams, I'm trying to like, you know,

reconstruct something that isn't.

But, you know, going back, I'm going to go now.

I'm going to go back to, you know,

I come from a line of abuse.

You know, I'm a product of child abuse.

Any abuse that you can think of,

I experienced physical, emotional, sexual abuse.

I have experienced.

And those aren't the reasons to why I became an alcoholic,

but I do believe that they're contributors

to why I became an alcoholic.

Would I say if I was raised differently,

would I maybe have been differently?

Possibly, but I don't know, you know,

I don't have the answers to that.

You know, I was raised by my father, by my brother.

You know, we were taken away at a very early age

from my mother.

My mom did not know how to control her rage.

And, you know, back in the day, old school,

traditional parents would abuse their children.

That's the real word that you used.

You know, they would hit you with things

and they shouldn't hit you with things.

And, you know, my mother got us taken away.

And, you know, for a long time, I blamed her like,

you know, through my whole alcoholism.

You know, I always, you know,

we suffer from victimology, right?

Like, we're always blaming somebody else

for what happens to us.

You know, as a child, I do believe

that my parents should have done different and been better.

But, you know, I try to remind myself that,

you know, my parents are uneducated.

There's a lot of ignorance that they live with.

So how can somebody with a lot of ignorance,

a lot of time, raise good kids?

You know, they're trying to do the best they can

with what they had.

It took me a long time to figure that.

And through the 12 steps of alcohol, it's anonymous.

I was able to further that because, you know,

me and my father, like, there was a lot of that.

My dad did the best he could.

My dad was a great father.

When he was raising us, you know,

he took his three kids in as a single parent.

But there was still a lot of damage that was done.

My father was a compulsive hoarder.

You know, I think that's how he dealt with his feelings.

You know, I don't think that he knew how to,

like, how to regulate his emotions.

So he just bought things like, you know,

we lived in a three bedroom apartment full of stuff.

Like, that's like, they didn't come check up on us then,

you know, like, but it is what it is.

You know, I don't blame him.

You know, my dad didn't beat me, you know,

but there was a lot of that emotional,

that a lot of that verbal abuse because him and my mom

at the beginning couldn't figure it out, you know,

because again, there's a lot of ignorance.

So how can two ignorant parents, you know,

find a way to co-parent?

And there was a lot of damage done there.

You know, my dad would always do great.

My mother, you know, he'll tell us things

that parents should not tell their children.

You know, my brother grew up angry.

I grew up angry.

So growing up, there was just two emotions in our home,

either, you know, we were sad or we were angry.

So most of the time, most of the family was always angry

because it's a better feeling.

I would rather be mad than feel sad.

That's just the truth.

Like if I had to pick one of both,

I would rather be that because when I'm sad,

a lot more stuff comes up.

Even when you're angry, but you know, that's how it was.

And my dad was this man that had the biggest ego

of the world.

And, you know, he'll walk around without a shirt outside

with his scars and I'm like, oh my God, oh man,

I just go back inside.

And you know, like I love my father, you know,

he's no longer with us, but I love him, you know?

And because I was sober, when my father got sick,

I had the privilege, the privilege to change his diaper,

feed him through his feeding tube.

You know, my father suffered an anoxic brain injury.

He never took care of his health.

You know, we found him and after that, you know,

he was a total care and at the last year of his life,

I was able to like grab his cheek and like sing with him

and do things I never was able to do before.

So I think that that was a gift.

It was a gift that God gave my family, right?

Because my dad just was so miserable within himself,

you know, and that happens.

And I think he never found freedom.

He never found the freedom of whatever he experienced

as a child, as an adult, but his last year of life,

he wasn't fully here, but he gave us the best of him.

You know, I was able to do a lot of things.

And for that, I am grateful, you know,

because my dad did teach me a lot of things.

And what was that?

To, you know, respect myself, you know, be independent,

never rely on a man, you know, things like that,

that a man, so I do remember, you know,

he was very traditional and you know,

when he passed away, it was difficult,

but I had alcoholics anonymous to just to guide me.

You know, I was able to give him a great funeral,

you know, laid him out, you know,

and do a lot of things that I would probably not have done

if I wasn't sober because my dad was the hardest person

I had to deal with in my sobriety because we clashed so much.

You know, like when I did, when I was making my amends

and I was doing my steps, my dad,

I couldn't do it to my dad.

Like if I don't feel something generally,

I just can't do it.

Like if it's not natural, I can't do it

because then I feel that it's fate and I couldn't do that.

And I couldn't make an amends and like my sponsors like,

okay, let's put him in a shelf.

Just keep doing the next right thing.

Just keep being of service to your dad.

Just keep showing up because he was very ill.

So I was the only, the only child

that took him to the doctors, did everything

because my brother was doing 15 years in prison.

My other sister's doing time in prison

and my other sister's just in her own world

doing her own thing.

And we put him on the shelf, you know,

but when he got sick, I was able to do this living amends

and it felt good.

And I continued and you know, when he was sick,

I had these conversations where I know

that he had forgiven me, you know,

and I forgiven him because there was a lot of that.

It's, we did hurt to each other, you know, as children,

we could hurt our parents and our parents do hurt us.

But it's not my, like my place to judge them.

And you know that I am grateful

because when we did these steps, you know,

I was able to realize that this man did the best he could

with what he had and the same thing with my mother.

They're doing what they can.

Like every parent out here and you know,

I'm really grateful for that.

And you know, with my mother today is great.

You know, she still yells at me.

You know, I'm 34 years old, that lady still yells at me

and I'm like, hey, you know, like a grown woman, bro.

Like I'm helping you, but I think it's just who she is.

And it's okay, you know, because I love my mother.

And today it's like, I'm gonna take care of my mother

for the rest of her life.

The way that she changed my diapers, I'm gonna change hers.

Because it's not my place for me to judge

the way that she raised me.

It's not, but I did that for a long time.

When I was drunk, I used to tell her

she was a no good mother and she got her tits taken away

that what type of mother, I did so much damage on alcohol.

Like I'm also a recovering addict.

And I did more damage on alcohol than I did with drugs.

You know, tequila is just a horrible thing.

Like I think it should be put like a controlled substance,

like honest to God.

Like we do some things that, you know, we should not do.

And, but today I'm able to do that.

Like when I made my amends, my mother was the first one.

And I remember we were at the Swami,

like she likes being at the Swami.

So we went to the Swami and I was there

and I remember we're seeing some chairs

and we're eating a tamale 'cause the tamale is from the Swami

I'm really damn good and I'm like a tamale person, right?

I love to eat tamales, like I love it.

And I started my amends and halfway through my amends,

she starts crying and she says,

"I already forgave you the moment that you stopped me."

And that reminds me of today.

It's like my brother's an act of alcoholism, right?

And today, like we're building this closet in my house

and you know, I'm still very controlling.

I'm working on certain, in different areas I have let go,

but there's certain things that I have to have control

because people just don't do it right, right?

They just don't, like you have to like supervise, right?

And then my, it's funny 'cause my brother goes like,

"I think you need to go to a meeting."

And he's always backlashing AA, like he's very anti AA,

he's very atheist, he doesn't believe in God.

So today when he's like,

"Oh, you need to go to a meeting, like the devil's here."

I was just like, "Who are you?"

You know, she's like, he was sharing that

and I was just like, but it just,

it made me feel good inside, right?

Because again, he's very anti AA.

He's very like, "F this, F that, it doesn't work."

But you did when he said that,

I'm like, yeah, it's clicking.

Now you see the difference to why it comes.

So AA is not for people who need it,

it's for people who want it.

That's just the reality of things, you know?

Because I could drink, I can stop,

I cannot drink if I choose not to, you know?

I don't have to drink,

but I come here to find a new way of living,

you know, to free myself.

So early I heard, I hear like,

"You come to alcoholics normally to be free,

"but the question is how free do you wanna be?"

'Cause I'm trapped, like there's days I'm free like a bird

and I'm flying to Asia,

and there's times I'm stuck here in the same place.

Like that's how it is.

Like there's times I feel like I'm stuck in a little box

and there's times I know what I want,

there's times I don't know what I want,

there's times I want that and there's times I don't.

Like it's just, and I feel like as I go,

as time goes, it's gonna get easier

and there's times it doesn't.

Like I thought the beginning was the hardest,

like the holidays and then the drink,

but then life starts getting really real

and you're like, "Oh my God, where do I go?"

But then like, I do what I know how to do.

I pick up the phone, I call my spouse

and she reminds me again of the one, two, and three.

And I'm really grateful for that woman.

I really am.

Like she's older in age and I sometimes start thinking like,

"Oh my gosh, she dies, what am I gonna do?"

What am I gonna do?

I think about stuff like that

because she holds a place next to my mother.

She really does, that's her place.

Because she's taught me stuff

and she's completely different than I am.

I'm a woman of color

and she's completely white and Irish.

And that's fascinating to me, right?

Because growing up, that's not what I saw.

Like I always thought if I came into the rooms,

I was gonna have like Hispanic, old school,

like ex-gang members, sponsor.

This ideal thing that I feel that I need,

but God gives me what I need.

I've never had a problem with religion.

My mom has instilled religion very early on.

We're practicing Catholics

and today I'm able to do that with my own kids.

Like I have an 18-year-old son

who I put through all his sacraments

and he went to a Catholic private school

and I said, "Look, I'm gonna show you what we practice

"and when you find your way, if that's not what you want,

"that's okay with me, but just do something."

Today, our house is alcohol synonymous.

I know that my son has done his little experiments,

he's navigating through life.

But just a couple of weeks ago or a couple of months ago,

he comes and he's like,

'cause me and him have a really good relationship.

I had him when I was 15 years old.

So I have grown with my child.

I have grown into an adult, into a mother

and he's growing into a young man.

So we have a very big connection.

I'm still his mother, but I'm also his friend.

So that line is always open.

We talk about sex, we talk about his,

this girlfriend he wants to talk to

and all these other things.

And the other day he's like,

my friends, we went out and they offered me alcohol.

And I'm like, "Oh yeah, what did you say?"

He's like, "Oh, if I drink, it's like backstabbing my mom."

And that felt really good because he's seen what I was.

He remembers me going into his room, being crazy drunk,

feeling this type of ownership over him

and the kids and everybody else.

And he sees this mom today.

And that just made me feel really good

because I do remind him that this is a family disease.

Like his father is also an alcoholic, not in recovery.

I use my sister, my brother, everybody's like,

"Look, none of us start drinking

thinking that we're gonna fall in love with this dog."

None of us thought that the first time we drank something

that we were gonna become these full-blown alcoholics, right?

We drank either to experiment,

we drank because it's socially there,

whatever your situation is.

Like when I started drinking,

I didn't think in any way that I was gonna become this abuser

or use that as an escape or anything in that manner.

So I try to like tell him the truth.

You know, I don't shelter my kids to what reality is.

I feel that we have to be open.

It's like when you tell your kids,

"Okay, don't have sex, but why?"

Like my parents always told me,

"Don't have sex, don't have sex."

Okay, I was going to get pregnant at 14,

but they never said why?

You know, today I'm this type of mom, right?

It's like when my son and I had to talk,

I'm like, "Okay, you don't have sex, this is why."

When I'm on Google, I typed up STDs

and I showed him what it could happen to, like, you know?

Like I'm that type of mom.

Like I'm a visual learner,

so I feel like everybody else is.

But it worked, but it's the truth.

So I can't shelter them from reality

because there's gonna be a point that they're gonna go.

They're gonna go and they're gonna explore.

So as a parent, like I felt like I had to go all the way

and I'm doing the same thing with my nieces.

You know, I have my two nieces who are nine and 10

and they get treated just like my own.

I may not have brought them into this world,

but they get everything that my own children get.

Because that's something that I do see amongst family.

When they have, they bring in a different family member,

they get less than the other.

And that affects someone because I grew up like that, right?

Me and my brother were the black sheeps of the family, right?

I came from a family who parents stay together,

no matter what, cheating, beating,

whatever, they stay together.

Like, and they thought that that was the right thing to do.

So me and my brother were always the black sheeps, right?

We love the streets and we did alcohol and we did drugs.

You know, they treated us less than,

like when holidays will come, you know,

everybody will get great things and we didn't.

So I know what that feels like.

I know what that feeling of rejection

or somebody else making you feel less than.

So today I don't do that.

I try to be equal in every area of my life.

Well, at least when it comes to my family,

because I don't ever want them to experience that.

The moment that I made a decision

to take them in as my own,

I took a nose to treat them as my own.

And I love that, you know,

because today it's something I was pregnant.

I remember I used to pray, right?

I always thought that God loved me

more than everybody else, right?

'Cause I'd be like, "Oh, I'll pray and then I'll get it."

I was like, "God, please don't give me any girls.

Please don't give me any girls."

And I get these two boys and I'm like,

"Oh yeah, God answered my prayers.

I didn't get any girls."

He's probably not a girl.

I got something waiting for you.

Like in a couple of years, you're gonna have two, you know?

So like, that's how I see it a lot of the time.

And I have conversations with my God.

I really do, you know, sometimes.

I think like my sponsor always tells me,

look, when you're talking, like you talk,

when you're praying, you're talking to God.

When you're in silence, he's talking to you.

But I can't stay in silence for too long.

So I don't think I let him talk to me, right?

So that's why I think I'm,

she tells me you're in cuckoo town again, right?

So like, that's what she describes it to me.

She's like, "You gotta get out of cuckoo town.

You're in cuckoo town right now."

And she's like, "We don't fight with crazy."

Sometimes I love to fight.

I come from the streets.

I gangbanged for a long time.

My brother did too.

For growing up, I was more of a town boy

'cause my dad didn't let me wear little clothes,

makeup, any of that stuff.

So I believe that's what I was or something.

It just feels better sometimes.

But as I grew older, I realized that there's beauty

that comes with being a woman and I developed that.

And today I go back and forth,

but it's okay.

When I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,

I was rotting from the inside out.

Nothing crazy happened.

I can't say that I lost my kids.

I can't say that I went to jail.

I can't say that I was driving on the influence

'cause I wasn't.

I came into the rooms because at that time

I was in a relationship with somebody

who was in active addiction.

And when he went to treatment the first time,

they're like, "Look, if you don't get sober,

this man's not gonna stay clean."

And my only desire for that man has always been clean

because every human being in this world has the tension.

And when we drink and we use, we suppress that.

We don't allow ourselves an opportunity

to be the best version that we can of ourselves.

And in my mind, I'm like,

"Well, I'm gonna show him how to stay sober," right?

'Cause I'm an alcoholic.

I wanna prove people wrong.

I wanna be right.

And that's the reason why I came in,

but then I started finding something here.

I started finding, when I came in,

I hung around with all the old timers.

My sponsor has 44 years of sobriety

and she had a tribe and I came in here knowing no one.

And I did what this woman told me

'cause I saw something in her.

I wanted what she had.

And she's like, "Oh, you gotta go to a women's meeting."

And I found my home group,

which is Hole in the Sky, the Women's Stag,

on Tuesday nights.

And she tells me,

I met her at an interview with an alcoholic Saturday night.

And then she didn't even ask me if I wanted a commitment.

This lady just goes and says,

"You have the coffee commitment now."

And I was just like, "What the hell?"

Okay.

But I guess that's how it was back then,

but I'm very traditional, I'm very old school.

So that works for me.

And I think that's for me in her work

because her way of being works with my way of being.

And I started fellowshipping with them.

Like they didn't even ask.

I feel like it's so rude.

Like today you have to ask people, right?

Like, do you wanna go here?

Do you wanna do this?

Like, you know, but she didn't.

She's like, "Oh, we're going fellowshipping."

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, well, let's go.

And at the beginning, that's what I did.

I hung around with all these old timers

and they were schooling me and they were molding me, right?

They were molding me into this person.

And a couple of months past,

I started making my beautiful friends in recovery.

And they're like,

"Okay, it's time for me to go find your tribe."

But I was like, "But I like it here."

Like, I felt safe.

Like, you know, I was like the youngster

with all these, you know, OGs, right?

'Cause I call her an OG.

I call her an old dancer because she is.

Like, that's how I see it.

So I brought the mentality of the streets into the rooms.

Right?

In the streets, it's like,

what do you do when you're a little homie?

Like, you wanna kick it with the big homies.

Like, that's what you wanna do, you know?

And so here, I kind of see it kind of the same way

when I came in.

I'm like, "Oh, I'm the little homie.

Like, I'm new."

But, you know, they're the ones with time.

And they slowly kind of like,

the bird had to leave its nest and I had to fly.

And I didn't want to.

I was like, "No, I like it here, quirky Saturday night.

Like, just let me stay."

But they slowly pushed me.

And I'm glad they did because it's like a faring, right?

When you're ready to fly, like, you gotta go.

It's like recently my son is like,

I give him wings and we were having a conversation.

He's like, "Mom, you can't give me wings."

And then cut him.

And I was like, "But you don't understand," like, you know?

But it makes sense.

And that's, I think, what's happening.

They were allowing me an opportunity

to fly and discover myself.

And I have, because within these times of my sobriety,

I've been able to discover a lot of things.

Like, I thought I knew what love was.

I had an idea of what love was when I got,

before I got sober and when I got sober,

it intensified and it really understood the meaning of it.

And I just keep going, you know?

I keep going and, you know,

I'm really grateful in so many areas of my life, you know?

Today, you know, I'm getting my master's in social work

and I'm gonna work with children who are being abused,

you know, because I wish somebody would have saved me.

I really do.

I really wish that somebody would have said,

"Hey, look, let's take another route," you know?

I started drinking and altering my mind

and my body from the age of 13, you know?

And every time I drank, it went back to the same thing.

It's always back to the same thing, same thing,

that those unresolved issues, you know,

that deep traumatic experiences that we experience

as children or adults or anything.

And we think that that's normal, you know?

So I started getting into even these relationships

that I've been with.

They've been very unhealthy, you know,

because I'm a fixer.

Like, I think, like, my sponsor tells me,

"You are not God."

Even though sometimes it's like not necessarily God,

but maybe I'm like right under God,

you know what I'm saying?

Like, that's what I feel sometimes, right?

Like, I think I can fix people, but I can't.

And I've done so much work learning how to let go

because from trying to fix people is that control, right?

That control comes from fear.

Like, why am I being controlling?

Because I'm fearful that they're not gonna do it right.

So if I'm in charge,

it's like when I'm driving with someone.

I'm so anxious, like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna crash.

Oh my God, I'm gonna die in an accident right now."

Like, my biggest fear is like dying in the accident, right?

Because I've been in so many accidents

because I drove with a lot of people

who walked through their minds, right?

So when people are driving, I'm like that.

I'm just like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna die."

Like, I'm holding on.

I'm just like, "Am I getting old?"

All these things, right?

Like, I have a movie playing in my mind.

When I'm driving, I'm calm because I'll be able to break,

but they won't, right?

Like, that's how I see it.

It's like, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.

If I'm driving, I'm not gonna die if somebody else is driving

because they're just like, "We don't know how to drive."

Like, what, you know?

It's just, just brain of mine, right?

Like, just brain of mine.

And then this is like,

and then I think about myself.

Okay, Sandy, do you remember when you learned how to drive?

Like, I was 14 driving a stolen car crashing into a church.

That's right.

So like, after I got, but it's that fear.

It all stems back from fear, you know?

Like from the God-forgiving's crashing into a church

in a stolen, you know?

Like, oh my God, you see things come up.

They come up without you even knowing.

And you know, I, yeah, oh God, that was cool.

So, it's fear, fear, fear.

Like, I'm trying to learn how to let go of that, you know?

I really, really am.

Because it's a horrible character defect

that from the fear comes to control.

And I don't.

Like, I don't wanna be in control all the time.

It gets tiring, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm trying to raise four kids, run home,

like, still trying to do my, like, all these things.

And you know, it's hard.

You know, I can't sit here and say it's not easy.

Like, I still have this crazy mentality, you know?

Like, when I'm driving and somebody pisses me off,

like, I still wanna run my car into them.

And I do play the tape because I'm like,

look, I got full coverage.

If I crash into them,

I think insurance, bro, they'll cover me and you, right?

But then I'm like, oh, but then I'm gonna get a point

in my insurance.

And if I get a point in my insurance,

I'm gonna have to pay more for my insurance.

And I have a son that's 18.

So I already pay high insurance, right?

So I have to play the tape.

Like, as much as I don't want to, I have to play the tape

because I'm very impulsive.

I make crazy, like, last week I got hair up my ass.

I need a new closet.

I need more space, more shelves.

Within the next day, all my stuff was out, okay?

I need to get through.

Like, and now, yeah, it's insane.

I make these decisions, but it's okay

'cause now I'm building a pretty cool closet

with a lot of space because I love,

I have a lot of clothes, shoes, and bags.

Like, I think that's my addiction.

It's like, my mom's like, "Son, you wore it one time."

But I said it, but I bought it.

Like, what's the problem?

You know, and that's, yeah, I know I have a big ego

sometimes and I'm very prideful, but you know, from that,

it's like, I work very hard, you know?

Like, I've worked very hard to be where I am today.

And you know, it's been good, you know?

It's been a good road.

And you know, I can't sit here and say, oh my God,

I'm gonna be sober for the rest of my life,

but I have made a commitment that I'm never gonna drink.

And we could do that.

We could make commitments, you know?

Like, right now I'm paused on commitments.

Like, I'm not making any commitments because like,

I'm still trying to like, fix myself a little bit, right?

'Cause Sandy's been in cuckoo town for a long time

and then she comes out and comes back.

It's like going in the hospital and coming out, right?

Like, that's how I feel lately.

Like, the last couple of months,

I feel like I got a 5150 hold and they let me out.

And I come back in and they let me out.

Like, that's how I've been feeling, right?

Like, in my mind.

But you know, I'm keep walking and I'm gonna keep jogging

and you know, I'm gonna keep raising my kids.

And like, my kids are the most important thing in my life.

You know, because if it wasn't for those kids,

I would not be here.

I think that like, I personally didn't want kids,

but I think God sent me my first son,

my second son for a reason.

I think that's the way that he was gonna save, you know,

from completely crossing that line.

Because if I would have completely crossed that line,

I don't think I would have found a way back, you know?

And today it's them.

You know, I wanna be a better mother because of them.

I wanna go get a career because of them.

You know, I have a child with multiple disabilities

and today I think about him when it comes to my future.

Like, I need to leave him well, you know?

I need to make sure he's okay when I'm not here.

And those are the things that I think,

'cause I'm over here thinking like 20, 30 years ahead

and some of my sponsors like, we gotta be here.

Like, you don't understand what is, like,

and you know, I go back and forth,

but you know, today I am grateful.

You know, because I'm living a very beautiful dream.

And today, like my little niece tells me,

Tia Sandy, I'm gonna be a social worker.

Like, yes, we got one.

You know, I'm always recruiting.

I'm always recruiting those social workers, right?

Because we need it.

So I'm like, yeah, you know me, my other niece, maybe not.

I think she's like a hippie

that's not gonna smoke weed, right?

Like, that's why I see her.

Like, her hair's on and stuff.

But you know, now my oldest son is in college.

He's gonna major in real estate.

You know, he's gonna be second generation.

Hopefully the kids are third.

And then it's gonna be beautiful.

Education is as important as anything else in my family

'cause that's the only way out.

I tell people, I say, look, I wasn't born into money.

You know, like, I'm not gonna marry into money,

so I gotta make that money, right?

Like, that's how I see it.

Like, but my kids don't.

Like, when I die, there's gonna be a will.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm about to get off this Medi-Count

and get some good insurance.

Like, those are the goals today, right?

It's like, I don't have that PPO or what is it?

Like, whatever, whatever it is, go like, you know?

And we are paying for, I already have our spots

at San Fernando Mission Catholic Cemetery.

Like, I'm waiting to die.

Like, but those are goals, right?

Because when my dad died, he left me dead, you know?

When he passed away,

we had to raise $25,000 to give him a good service.

Today it's like, no, when I die, my kids are gonna grieve.

They're not gonna worry about where we're gonna get this,

where we're gonna get that.

And like, my mother's thing, I would've paid for that.

Like, if she died,

she ain't gonna leave me in no $25 debt.

Like, she good.

And if you pay it sooner, you pay less, right?

So I'm just that person.

I'd rather pay for that and know where I'm gonna end up

because that's how controlling I am.

You see how crazy I am?

Like, I need to know where I'm gonna lay.

Like, I'm still controlling, I'm controlling music,

which picture they're gonna put.

Like, what kind of my damn casket's gonna be.

I do not open it if I don't got a full set of eyelashes.

Like, this is not a picture of me.

Like, baby, chill out, 'cause my kids,

don't you dare have an open casket

if I don't have my damn lashes, bro.

Like, I will come back, you know?

So it's things like that.

And, you know, again, Karen,

I do wanna thank you for the opportunity, you know,

to come in and sharing a piece of who I am.

And, you know, if you're struggling, just keep going.

You know, this too shall pass,

and just hold on to your seat, you know?

It's like if you're in Six Flags and Goliath is going down,

what you gonna do?

You go, "Hold on, don't put your hands up, just hold on."

You know, and that's what I do.

I hold on to my seat every day.

Thank you for allowing me to share.