Finding Belonging: From Midwestern Roots to AA Community

I know everything. This is my neighborhood. I know nothing.

So, which is what our 10-minute speaker said. Thank you so much for your share. That was fantastic.

Um, uh, statistics. I have a sobriety date. It's December 12th of 2000. I have a home group. It's

the Pacific group. And I have a sponsor. Her name is Marilyn S. And I love alcoholics. It's so

funny. I walked up. I thought it was a men's stack. This is great. And then, uh, how do you

people in here have less than a year? Awesome. I'm talking to you because the people with time,

they can do inventory on me, but I don't want to talk into the eight cheerleader. I love alcoholics

anonymous. If you're new, I want to welcome you to alcoholics anonymous. I didn't love alcoholics

anonymous when I got here. Um, I don't care what you're here. You'll hear some weird stuff here.

People have some ideas. I would say, show me where it says that the literature and, uh, and people

told me when I got here that you have to be here for you or you have to be, you have to want to be

here. And, um, I believe that the magic of alcoholics anonymous has worked on me, despite me,

I came here kicking and screaming, you know, I didn't come to you to stop drinking. I came to

you because of one of the consequences of my drinking system. Right. And if you would have

told me that included stopping drinking, I probably wouldn't have come, but luckily I didn't know all

the rules. And, um, I'm originally from Chicago. He's just, yeah, he's the tack that goes from

Chicago. And then I went to California and you guys made fun of me. So I stopped talking like

I was from Chicago, um, because I just want to fit in with you. Right. I, uh, we moved to Belair,

California, and that I hear people in alcoholics anonymous say all the time that they didn't feel

like they fit in growing up. And, um, I didn't, you know, I came here from the Midwest. She said,

I'm the Midwest and I have Midwestern values. I'm not sure about that. I didn't have any of those

installed there after the market parts, I guess. Um, but you know, we moved out here and, uh,

and you guys were super cool. It was 1976 and it was the surfer skater era. Right. And you guys

were wearing like, uh, Opie shorts and 10 socks, right? Senior Lopez ponchos and grand, you know,

and I was wearing like a polyester plaid school uniform, you know, pants that came up to my neck,

like nothing cool. And, uh, I'm always just short of being cool. Right. So I set my mom up to get

you some bands and my mom came home with bikini version and say, Oh, people know what that is.

Young people like Kayla's, Walmart, fake bands, fake bands. And I don't have the mother that's

like, Oh no, it's okay. I got you the fake bands. You don't have to wear those every day. My mother

made me wear those fake bands every day. And, uh, and so I don't fit in with you. Right. And I'm

smart. I don't want to fit in with a smart kid and I'm not pretty, so I'm not athletic, you know,

so I don't fit in with the jock, but I found the stoners took me without an application.

Any stoners? Oh yeah. When we sat down and we smoked a little weed, it was all good. Right.

It didn't matter that I was wearing fake bands anymore. And, uh, and more importantly is that

it didn't matter to you. It didn't matter to me because alcohol and drugs fix something in me

that I don't believe they fix in the normal. Um, I think we spend a lot of time around here with

each other. Right. And we hear the worst of the worst stories. Right. And we start to think that's

all normal. I love talking to normal people about drinking. I love it. It's fascinating. Right. Like

the lunchroom at work. Talk to those girls about what you do when you drink, you know, and that's

a conversation that's fascinating. And I always refer back to my brother. I have a brother. He's

not an alcoholic. He's the weirdest guy I know. Right. Everything's the same, same sperm, same

eggs, same wounds, same upbringing, but that guy doesn't have what I have. My brother has been

married to his wife for 24 years. I've been married four times. I can't get to 24 years.

He's a school teacher in Arizona. Him and his wife, they're school teachers. They have two kids

in college. They have a, they have a beige house and a beige car, you know, and they live in

Arizona. They got a beige lawn. Like they got a designer beige dog, this little sheba inu, you

know, and that's what I'm related to. Right. You know, years ago at the holidays, I said to my

brother, I said, I don't know how we came out of the same womb. And my mom yelled from the kitchen.

He's mine. You were switched at the hospital. Right. And so I don't get him. Right. But I love

to know about him and drinking. So my brother has a wine cellar in his house, which means he keeps

wine for like 10 years, 10 years, right. I can't keep mouthwash in my house. And this dude, like,

when I asked him about his drinking, I find it really fascinating because this is what he says,

I go, what happens when you drink and it's, well, you know, I have a glass of wine and I start to

feel it. I'm like, good. Good start. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. And then he says, and then I have a

second glass of wine. I start to feel out of control. So I, I have my second drink and I'm

starting to feel in control. I have my second drink and I'm taking my keys back because I can

drive my car, maybe a forklift, 18 Wheeler. Right. Like I'm feeling in control and he has a different

effect produced by alcohol. Right. For me, it fixes something in me that it doesn't fix in him.

And and I'm growing up in this house and you know, I'm drinking and using and doing all the things

that I can do. And I'm 17 years old and I stopped going to school. The school starts early in the

morning and I'm not really a fan. And if you don't go to school in my house, you can't live there.

And that's fine. I leave because I don't need you anyways. You know, when I move out of that house

and I'm drinking and using and doing the things the way I like to do them. And by the time I'm 21

years old, I have the outside manifestations of a drug addiction. In those days, we were snorting

a lot of cocaine because it was not cool to smoke it yet. And my nose is cauterized a bunch of times.

You know, my gums are worn away and I'm rewiring the vacuum cleaner at three o'clock in the morning.

It's obvious I have a drug problem. And and so I decided that life was too much to bear. I took

64 sleeping pills, 10 cold tablets, washed it down with a bottle of Kahlua. And I put on a long white

gown to die, right? Because I'm the super drama queen and you'll feel terrible when you find me.

Oh my God. And luckily or unluckily, you know, I'm a drunk dialer and I called my mom and my mom's

a therapist. And there's nothing worse than being put on a 72 hour hold in a lockdown psych ward,

put there by your mother, your Jewish mother at best. And in that psych ward, I told them I was

depressed and I couldn't get out of bed. And I told them that I didn't want to live. I didn't

tell them about the drugs and I sure as heck didn't tell them about the drinking. And they

sent me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm pretty sure they knew, right? And

what I remember is a bunch of toothless old guys, probably at the age I am now. And these guys

talked about how they had lost their family due to drinking and they had lost their home due to

drinking and they lost their job due to drinking, you know. And I was 21 years old and I haven't

lost anything yet. I didn't have anything to lose. And I thought I'm not an alcoholic, but I know

that drugs are my problem and I'm just not going to do drugs anymore. And I got out of that psych

ward with the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous called Self-Knowledge, right? Drugs are my

problem. I'm not going to do drugs anymore. We're all good. In that psych ward they gave me

medication. I do love medication. I love medication that says don't drink with this medication because

you know it's going to be good. And I'm going to fix it, right? I'm going to fix it all myself.

I got out of that psych ward. I met a man. I've been married four times. That's a lot of my story.

I have a tattoo on my arm so it seemed like a good idea at the time. I've had four marriages.

Every one of them was brilliant. And I'm always trying to fix my insides by fixing my outsides.

So I met a man who didn't do drugs and that's great because I'm not doing drugs anymore. You

know, we threw away my bong together, you know, and we're going to live happily ever after. And

we moved to Simi Valley, California because drug addicts don't live in Simi Valley, California.

We buy a house on a cul-de-sac, right? Because drug addicts don't live in a house on a cul-de-sac.

I start driving a station wagon because drug addicts don't drive a station wagon.

And I start listening to country music because drug addicts don't listen to country music,

right? It's not rock and roll that's messing me up. But nothing changes and I'm drinking and I'm

taking pills and it's getting worse. And I married that man and we have my beautiful son and I used

to think I was a really good mom because I didn't drink or use the whole time I was pregnant with my

son. But my son was conceived in a vat of drugs and alcohol and I'm the mom who can't breastfeed

because I can't go two weeks after he's born without having something in my system. And I

have this baby that I wasn't necessarily attached to and I'm going on with this life and I'm

drinking. And things are getting worse and one day this guy ups and leaves and that's fine because

I don't need you anyway. And I met a nice Al-Anon man who took care of me and my son for a year and

a half so we didn't die and I'm super grateful. One night I went out to the bar and I met him.

I knew I was in love. He was wearing his work uniform. It had a patch with his name on it so

I could remember his name throughout my whole blackout, you know. And he had a crystal mess

problem so he was sicker than me and it was on. And we went back to that Al-Anon guy's house and

we picked up my kid and we picked up my stuff and it was on. So that guy and I, we got married.

We got married in our apartment because he was on house arrest. Have you done that too?

Nothing goes better with a rented tuxedo than an ankle bracelet.

Beautiful wedding. And by this time my parents have disowned me in an email because they're

techno savvy and they said we're not going to watch you die and we're not going to watch you

take our grandson with you and my response is I don't need you anyway. And I've lost my third

job that year and I've been hospitalized four times for drinking. And they're trying to take

my son away from me and that's fine because it's a lot of work anyway. You know when I got sober

I used to tell people I want to want to be a good mother because it's a lot of work and I don't even

want to do it. And if you would have asked me at that point if I was an alcoholic I would have told

you no. I would have told you the problem was baby daddy. The problem was my boss. The problem was my

parents. The problem with you. What happened was a series of events. I didn't have a job anymore.

I'm backed into a corner one more time and I went to a treatment center. I am the girl who took all

her drugs to treatment. I really didn't know the whole thing. I had four alcoholic comas the last

year in my drink and I knew you guys weren't going to let me drink anymore. I mean alcoholics,

anonymous, it's in the name. I figured that was the deal. But the guy unpacked my bags at the

treatment center pulled out my ziploc bag with 15 prescriptions and it was like oh what are these?

I was like oh those are my medications. They're prescribed by a doctor. And they said you got a

lot of doctors. I said I have a lot of ailments. And he says some of them are in Puerto Rico.

And he was great because he knew that I was ready to run out the front door of this treatment center

and he said what I'm going to do is I'm going to take them up front. When you need them you can

come get them. And I thought this place is cool. So much better than the psych ward. And that night

they brought in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and you guys scare me to death. You're smiling,

you're happy, you're shiny, you're clean. You want to hug me? And I went running up to that front

office. Knocked on the door. Nice guy unpacked my bags. Nowhere to be found. Woman opens the door,

whack. I said I need two Ativan, two Xanax, a Valium, a Vicodin, a Prasadona, Wabutrin,

and a Prozac, please. I'm having an anxiety attack. And she said you can't have that here.

And I said no you don't understand, right? Because that's the cry of the alcoholic is you don't

understand. And she said yes I do. The worst thing that's going to happen is you're going to

hyperventilate, you're going to pass out on the floor, you're going to wake up, and you're going

to be fine. She was absolutely right. I hyperventilated, I passed out on the floor, I woke up,

I was fine. I hated two people so much. I spent my first week in alcoholics anonymous in this

treatment center watching these kind of meetings from behind like the sliding glass little nurses

window that they have in the receiving area. Because when I'm hyperventilating and passing

out your meetings, it's really super disruptive. And I spent my second week in alcoholics anonymous,

I had to sit right there by the door with my foot touching the outside wall. I wouldn't hyperventilate

and pass out your meetings. That's what I brought you. And I was going to do some of what you did

when I got here. I wasn't going to do all of what you did when I got here. I like meetings. You know,

I didn't have much of a social life when I got here, so I enjoyed meetings. I always say they

have my three favorite cheese cookies, coffee, convicts. I love meetings, right? Use it as a

dating service. Odds are good, goods are odd. We'd probably take commitments. I'd take commitments,

I'd look cute and need the center of attention. I would jump up, "I'm your chitchig, or your

little chitchig." You know, but I still wasn't setting up your stairs or picking up your

cigarette bus. And they call me to get a sponsor. I got a sponsor pretty much in name only because

every time I talk to her, she'd tell me what to do. You know, I'm horrible with authority figures.

And they call me to work the steps. I don't really like action words of any kind. I don't want to

work the steps, work out at the gym, work, get a job. I just don't feel that that's my jam.

And they told me not to get in a relationship my first year, but I didn't. I got my first

relationship at a year and a day. Followed the rules. I've worked at none. I got no God,

no sponsor, but we're going to meetings. He's been out of jail for eight days. We're in luck.

You know how this ends, huh? And we're in luck, but we're going to be that old sober couple in

the corner. You know, every clubhouse has that old sober couple, right? You know, Marcia and

Bob in the corner with their big book and we're going to be them. I don't know how they got there,

but I'm sure it's just going to meetings. You know, and in nine months he was loaded in my

household. The money was gone and he was walking out my front door. And for me, this causes a

problem because I have alcohol. I have at this point of the year, nine months of completely

untreated alcoholism. My alcoholism demands treatment. It's a man's treatment with a spiritual

solution as outlined in our book for alcohol and drugs. So it was eight days before my second sober

birthday. That's two years without a drink or a drug, if you're counting. And I had a plan.

I was going to buy a gun so I could blow my head up on my second AA birthday. That's the best I got

at two years without a drink. See, I thought when I came to you, if I could stop drinking and doing

drugs, things were going to get better, but I have alcoholism. So what happens when I stopped

drinking and doing drugs without a sufficient substitute, things get a lot worse. And luckily

I had trained my feet and alcoholics anonymous. I hadn't trained my brain here yet. My feet took

me out of that shower and took me to a meeting, a meeting where some wonderful women grabbed me,

women who care more about my life than my feelings. And if you're new, I hope someone cares more about

your life than your feelings. And they said, you do some of what we do here. You don't do all of

what we do here. And you're dying of alcohol. And on that day I was desperate and willing. And if

you're new, shoot desperate, desperate for some willingness. Cause if you're not, you won't do the

things we do to stay. And I would love to tell you that this is a story, right? Where then I worked

the steps. I was actively sponsored and the rest of those 22 years, I'm walking through the fields

with Bill Bob and Jesus, right? But that's not how I roll out. Like I am, you know, it talks about

defiance is the number one characteristic of the alcoholic. I go with it and then I fight it and

then I go with it. And my life is like this. You know, I used to think when I came here that it was

like, it was going to be like this. I get sober and it's better and it's better and it's better

and it's better and it's better and it's better and it's not like that. Life is like this. You

know, what Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the tools to do is to surf the wave, right? This wave

is not going to change, right? I, uh, three and a half years sober, I got my son back, you know,

and, uh, I lived in a one bedroom apartment. I didn't know I was going to put him in the people

and AA came over and put up a tent in my dining room so my son could have a bedroom. It was his

favorite, you know? And, uh, and I started to rebuild everything here in Alcoholics Anonymous

and I was, uh, I was five years sober and a man came to my big Sunday night speaker meeting. He

did the 10 minutes and we fell madly in love and we got married in a big AA wedding with 239 of our

closest friends and family and, uh, we bought a beautiful house and I had a good job and I'm

driving a BMW and it looks really good on the outside. I'm only missing one thing. So you guys

kept talking about God. See, I'm not a fan of this God guy. I, uh, I grew up with a punishing God,

right? My mom, you'd bang your knee on the coffee table and my Jewish mother would yell from the

other room, God bless her, you know? And, uh, I don't want that dude to know where I live,

you know? And, and I don't want them. And I'm self-will. I'm self-will. You know, my,

my sponsor used to say, uh, my favorite sentence in the English language is I got this. And if I

got this, I'm not turning my will in my life over the care of anything but me. And so I'm eight and

a half years sober and, uh, and I started thinking. See, I don't have a drinking problem. I have a

thinking problem, right? Cause if I had a drinking problem, I'd stop drinking. We'd be fine.

Wouldn't be here with you on a Saturday night, right? It's all good. But I have a thinking

problem, right? And I started thinking, I mean, I wonder if these people in AA are doing everything

they say they're doing, like, come on, seriously, like rigorous honesty, who does that? And it

started really simply with illegally downloading music. Cause I think I'm entitled. And then I

thought it was okay to cheat on my taxes. And then I thought it was okay to cheat on my husband with

a 24 year old boy who had 18 months sober and no regard to his welfare whatsoever. And I was doing

baby stuff in and out of these rooms, but I'm sober, right? I'm stark raving sober and I can

talk a good game. So, you know, I go to a meeting and I got the good parking space and the fancy

water and I'm sponsoring half the San Fernando Valley, trying to transmit something I haven't got.

And the woman who was my sponsor for 13 years came into my life and she said, you're going to drink.

And I was like, no, right. Don't you know who I think I am? She said, you're the prom queen of the

leper colony. Now what, you know, you're popular in AA. She opens up that book. And so if I continue,

if my motives didn't change and I continue to harm others, I was poor to drink. I didn't believe her.

So 10 years sober, I was standing at a bar in Las Vegas, Nevada, a bar I had been in a bunch

of times for work parties. And I had a thought to have a thinking problem, sudden thoughts,

impulsive actions. And I had a thought, and that thought was, you know, if I weren't an alcoholic,

I wouldn't have to live up to the spiritual garbage, which is a super scary thought for

an alcoholic like me because I was about to take a drink. See that woman told me that everything I

was doing was walking towards a drink or walking away from a drink. I'm not just being here with

you because I can be a spiritual beacon of light for an hour, right? Sit next to me on the freeway.

Like I come in here and I think I'm doing this and I'm fine. And then it got in the world and I tear

up, you know, the girl in the checkout line or even worse, the guy in front of me, who's standing

in the checkout line that, you know, 10 items or less and he's got 12 and I need to tell him,

right? And I'm living like that. And I called up that woman and I said, "I'm going to drink. What

do I do?" She said, "What's a program of principles and you don't have any." The first one being

honesty and the second one being humility. And I found out when I got honest, humility soon took

care of itself. When people here out in the San Fernando Valley found out I cheated on the nicest

guy in Alcoholics Anonymous, the guy who founded my home group, people at meetings weren't nice

to me. People walk up to me and go, "Walk away from me." Which was great because you guys couldn't

be my higher power for one more second. It says on letters to the God could and would if he were

sought. I have to go seek. It's an asking word again. When you get here, you know, they tell you,

they say, "You know, make the doorknob your higher power. Make the tree your higher power. Make the

group your higher power." But eventually a doorknob is going to break and a tree is going to get cut

down and you're going to fail me. You're human. And everything that came between me and God went

away. I lost that that marriage. I lost that house. I told them my pretty BMW texting because

that was so important. I couldn't miss that text, right? And everything that came between me and God

went away. I ended up in a guest house in someone's backyard seeking God. And having had a spiritual

awakening and the result of these steps, that's all I get. Like when we read that in meetings,

we say "the" a lot of times and people think it's "a" like I get other things here. I was sure it

was about cash and prizes, you know, and cash and prizes have come and cash and prizes have gone.

But that's not what I get here. I get with God and I get to give it to somebody else. That's it.

If you have asked me my first 10 years if I had worked the steps, I would have told you yes.

If you would have asked me about my 11th step practice, I would have told you, "I don't like

meditating. I have to do it all." You know, I ended up in this guest house and in someone's

backyard meditating, seeking God. I'm not Buddhist because I still eat the sentient beings. I say,

"I'm Buddhist." You know, I was raised Jewish, so here in L.A. that makes me a Buju.

I think I have a connection. I have a connection with this power greater than myself that solves

my problems. It talks about in the book, solves my problems. It doesn't say my drinking problem,

my drug problem, my shoe cropping problem, my boy problem, my cake problem, because I have all of

them. God has to be able to solve it all. I have to have a big enough God. And if you're counting,

I'm only on husband number three. They were four, so we'll get to the next one. I think there's like

a four seat. And not long after that, I met a guy. He lived in another country, fell madly in love,

and I thought, "Oh, it's going to be great. It's in another country." And I have been moved to

England and I figured, "Well, it's good." I thought that we spoke the same language. We don't. I speak

American. And I didn't move somewhere cool like London. I moved to like the Oklahoma of England

and not like Oklahoma City, like Enid, Oklahoma, like cows and sheep and pups. That's thoughtful.

And I thought it's going to be great, right? There's alcoholics anonymous everywhere. It's

going to be fine. And I was used to meetings in Los Angeles, big old meetings, dog and pony show

meetings and everything. And these meetings were the same eight people in every meeting.

And you would move from town to town if there was one every night of the week, if you were lucky.

I really wanted women in my life at this point. And there were no women. There were two women.

One had six months sober, one had 20 years sober. And within six months of my arrival,

someone who was 20 years sober was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. And I thought,

"I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm going to die here. There's no newcomers. There's

no nothing. There's no one to work with." And my sponsor just kept saying, "Show up with the big

book of alcoholics anonymous and be the example of alcoholics anonymous, you know." There were no

steps or traditions on the wall. There wasn't a book in the room. They were complaining about

their day. No solution. And I thought, "Oh my God, I'm going to die here." And eventually one woman

showed up and another woman showed up and another woman showed up. And over the four years that I

lived there, I ended up sponsoring Seventeen Women, which is my purpose. It wasn't the dude.

I know you're soft. That didn't work out. But I also know that my God knows me and God himself,

Charlton Heston God with robe and staff could come down and go, "Lulu, I need you to go to the

middle of England in this small town and do my work." I would have been like, "Dude, I live in

this town Fernando Valley and I'm super busy." So he sent me a cute guy with an English accent.

I'm gone. There you are. And after four years there, it was time to come home. And I came to

move back to Los Angeles. I had lived in the Noho Arts District for four years, 14 years before I

left here. And I wanted to go back there because I don't know, it seemed like the cool part of the

valley, whatever that is. And it had doubled in price. And I got offered a guest house in

Northridge. Northridge. I was like, "Northridge?" I called my sponsor. I said, "Northridge ain't

home for nothing but an earthquake. I am not going to Northridge." And my sponsor told me to

shut up and take the guest house. And I moved into this little guest house in Northridge and

started living my life. The universe sends me miniature things. I live in a 600 square foot

guest house. I have a five pound Chihuahua and I drive a Miata. I'm not petite. I'm not really sure

why the universe keeps sending me tiny things, but I guess that's what it's supposed to be. And

I was back here living my life. And then 2020 came. Anybody else have a weird 2020? A little

strange, yeah? A little off? I would say I had a little side of weird sauce with my 2020. On

January 19th of 2020, I had a stroke. They say it must've been really traumatic. I don't know. It

affects your brain. I have no recollection of anything that day, pretty much the day before,

week before, knocks everything out of you. And they say get a good sponsor. They'll save your

life. Mine did, if you know it's acting weird, which is important because I'm kind of weird

to begin with. And my best friend got me to call 911. It's very time sensitive when you're having

a stroke. It's a blood clot in your brain and it takes three hours to get the shot. It clears the

clot out of your brain and then it's over. And amazingly enough, they got me to call 911. The

paramedics showed up and they took me to Northridge Hospital, the only stroke center in the San

Fernando Valley. I lived a mile from it. Is it odd or is it gone? When they took me to the hospital,

they diagnosed me with something called MRSA. I didn't know what MRSA was. I didn't really care.

I was busy having a stroke. I was in ICU for a week afterwards and I got out of that hospital.

And a month later I lost my job and pretty much my whole career, I didn't work again for 14 months.

And on March 13th, Friday the 13th, you guys were shutting down for COVID. And I got really sick

with MRSA. I had abscesses all over my body. I was septic and I almost died for the second time

that year. And they were going in and out of all the emergency rooms. They didn't know what COVID

looked like. They were treating me in a hazmat suit, in a tent, in a parking lot. And it was

pretty awful. And I thought that would be the perfect time to get in a relationship. Thank you.

It was a guy who was 25 years old, four months sober and five days out of prison. Thank you.

Thank you very much. That's a good idea. No, it's fine. I knew his mom's from AA. By April,

you guys were all like that, right? Alcoholics Anonymous says I knew it was gone. You guys were

all in little squares on a computer and I was completely detached from them. By May,

the MRSA attacked bones in my mouth. I needed major surgery to have bones removed from my mouth.

And by June, that relationship ended in a hotel room in Vegas. And my ass was falling off. And

when I was new, they used to tell you if your ass is falling off, take it up and put it in a bag and

take it to a meeting, right? So you weren't there anymore. You were in little squares. Oh, I can't

get this. I don't know, you know. And I was 19 years sober and I didn't want to live anymore.

I didn't want to actively harm myself, but I would drive around in my little Miata and think it'd be

fine if that truck came on the other side of the road. It's a really scary place to be. And then

I remembered there was a meeting in a park and I had taken this kid to a rogue illegal meeting in a

park, Van Alden Park. So I picked up my camping chair and I picked up my big book and I went out

to that park every day at noon and six. You know, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that

nothing, the big thing about Alcoholics Anonymous says that nothing will so much ensure immunity

from drinking than intensive work with another alcoholic. And see the treatment centers around

here were bringing the vans full of girls out to the park. There was nobody to sponsor those girls

because as my sponsor said, anybody with any sense was at home. And so they would come off

these vans. I would chase down those vans back in the day. I would chase down these crazy book lady

in the park. You want to go through the book? No, you won't even have to tell your treatment center.

You do not have to tell them I'm your sponsor. I do not care what their requirements are. Sit down,

let's go through the book work just that. Not for them, for me, because I knew. Right. I can tell

you that active sponsorship saved my life. We were out in that park, you know, I didn't work for 14

months. I had figured out I could live for six months on what I had in my savings and I made it

through. But I'll tell you, you know, I was talking to my sponsor one night and they said they brought

food boxes out to the park for the people who needed them. And she said, did you take a food

box? And I said, oh no. And she said, do you have any food in your house? And I said, no, because

I'm 20 years sober and I can't let you see me take a food box. My ego is still so huge. It's 20 years,

right? And I'm not going to let you see me take a food box. And that woman told me to go out there

and take a food box. And I always talked about the fact that we all got through that, you know,

we got through okay. I'll tell you that kid, that kid that had their relationship with on September

16th of this last year, after 10 more rehabs, OD'd and died. It's deadly. It's not planned, right?

This is deadly serious. Like I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love to have fun. But people are

dying. I buried a good friend of mine's daughter in the end of 2019. And I had known her since she

was a little girl, long before she was an addict. And she took one pill in a CVS parking lot in Santa

Clarita. And that's it. 22 years old. Gone. You know, I work this thing like my life depends on

it, right? I thank you. I'm gonna tell you real quick about my beige brother. I hated my beige

brother for a long time. That guy. He's perfect. And when I was 24 years old, my dad died. And my

brother was completely useless when I was cleaning out my dad's stuff. My dad was kind of a high end

hoarder. It was a big mess. And my brother said he wanted one thing and my dad, it was a Movado

watch. I made sure when I cleaned out my dad's stuff. When I found the Movado watch, I stuck it

in my pocket and I never gave it to my brother. Do that guy. And when I was 10 years sober and

I was coming to meetings and you guys were being mean to me, I'll call my sponsor crying.

My sponsor says, why don't you give your brother the watch?

Why don't you give your brother the watch since he'd hang up the phone every day? Why don't you

give your brother the watch? He'd hang up the phone. I don't know about you guys, but I'll do

anything to shut up my sponsor. So eventually I was like, fine. Took the watch to a jewelry store,

had it all done nicely, new band, everything beautiful, put it in a box. I called my mom.

My brother was visiting from Arizona. I said, I'm going to take Josh to the airport. My mother said,

you're not going to kill him and hide the body. Are you? Cause like that's the relationship we

had right now. All my mom ever wanted was for me to have a relationship with my brother.

I tell my mom all the time, we're nothing alike. I'm never going to have a relationship with that,

but I did what you guys taught me to do. I went and picked up my brother and we're driving on the

405 freeway. And I handed him the box and I said, I was wrong for what it did to you. What can I do

to make it right? And then I shut my mouth. My brother opened up the box and he started to cry.

No one would like to be your brother. And I said, no, why don't you tell me? My brother said,

I was just a good kid doing the best that I could do. And you were in the principal's office again,

and you were in the hospital again, and you were in the back book police car again. And they didn't

even know I was alive. And it had never occurred to me what I had done to my brother. Never. And

what it did was it changed my perception. My brother's a good dude. My brother makes his

house payment. He takes care of his wife. He takes care of his kids. He works in an

inner city school and they don't have money for, he's coached as a volleyball team. They don't have

money for uniforms. He raises money for his girls. You know, we're, when I'm visiting him in Arizona,

they yell his name from across the grocery store. Mr. O, what's up? Right. They love my brother.

He's a good dude. And so what I did was you taught me to not just say I was wrong, but to amend the

behavior. I started to make my brother the center of attention. I started pimping him out on my

Facebook page. We started raising money for his girls. We started doing everything together.

And I grew this relationship with my brother. I love my brother. Right. And so in 2019,

they announced the football schedule and I found out that his Oakland Raiders were playing my

Chicago Bears in London. Right. And my brother's never been anywhere. My brother makes his house

payment. He has to take, you know, four people on every vacation they ever had. He has a passport

that's never been used. So I called up my brother and I said, we're going to go on a trip. And on

September 28th of 2019, my brother and I got in an airplane and we went and we started out in

Edinburgh, Scotland. We drove all the way down through England. He met all my friends there.

We ended up seeing his football team arsenal play. And we went to see the Bears play the Raiders in

Tottenham's new stadium. I know the Raiders won. I called him. It was part of the event.

And there's what happened. It wasn't the fanciest trip. We didn't stay in the fanciest hotel. We

stayed in little Airbnbs. And what happened is my brother and I went for seven days. We just

had the best time. We told stories. We had a ball. It was amazing. I called my mom and I said,

you know what? You're right. I'm just like my brother. We have such a ball. And what I can

tell you is when you're new, they say don't leave before the miracle happens. I don't know what your

miracle is. If you would have told me when I got here that my miracle was a road trip with my

brother, I would have told you, you could keep that miracle. I'll pass. But everything that you

guys have done for me has been amazing. When I got sober, I got sober at a place called Radford

Hall, the hippie ladies of Radford Hall. And they used to say, if you want what we had and you're

willing to go to any bank to get it. And I was like, nah. I was riding a motorcycle. I had tattoos.

I had a pierced tongue. I listened to metal. You know, I don't want that. What these ladies had

is they had peace. They had peace that I didn't even want when I got here. Now that I have it,

I wouldn't sell it to you for a million dollars. But if you ask me, I'll give it to you for free.

Yeah, yeah. It's been a minute. But yeah, I remember the name of it. But it's like this

place. I mean, you know, I was like, what? So like, I need the table and I, you know,

I know the valet club. I realize this is scary. Now I can come in and sit down.