From a Broken Home to 22 Years Sober: A Journey of Healing

I want to thank my good friends, Johnny and Elaine, for coming to us tonight. Good friends

of ours. My beautiful wife, Joy, for putting up with my nonsense for all these years. But

what an honor and a privilege it is to be in your meeting. Quality of life. Okie dokie.

We did that, I thought somebody was quacking. Doesn't it feel like a family, like a church

Thanksgiving meal or a Christmas in here? I really love this. I walk into a meeting,

I see coffee, I see chairs, I see literature, I see a secretary, I see people greeting me

out there. I feel safe. I feel safe. I'm blessed. My sobriety date, February 28th of the year

2001. I just celebrated 22 years, thank you Lord. And that's thanks to AA. That has nothing

to do, I did the work, but it taught me how to do it. I want to welcome the new folks

that are in here and say welcome home. Apparently you're not having the greatest year of your

life right now if you're coming in here. So what I said when I got here many, many years

ago that it's come to this. All these happy people. You're insane. You guys do realize

they're not going to drink and party anymore, right? And they're all happy. I couldn't get

that when I got in here, man. I was like you guys have got to be out of your minds. I have

a sponsor, Steve Watson. I have a home group, Pacific group. I listen to that sponsor, which

is more important than anything. I sponsor guys. I try and pass this gift on to other

folks. And I'm a lucky man that I get to do that. So I'll get into a story. Hello, zoom

landers. How are you folks? Must be comfortable to be at home, but we're glad you're here.

And Elizabeth, thank you for your share very, very much. I could relate to a lot of things

you were talking about and I thank you for your, for your share. Okay, folks, my job,

when I, when I'm asked to do this, this is my, my bottom line. My, my, my prayer is that

you identify with something I say tonight, some emotion, some, something that you can

relate to and that you make another meeting. That's what I pray for. That's really what

I'm here for because my story is my story. It's not your story. It's not your journey.

This is my journey. This is what happened, what it's like and what it's like today. And

so I hope that you continue your journey in here and you, and you get a good life. Like

I had, like a lot of folks in here, you know, or else we wouldn't be here, you know? Okay.

So born in Los Angeles, the youngest of three brothers in an alcoholic company. And what

does that mean? It means I was the fastest. That's all it means. Cause when you have two

older brothers, I don't know if there's any younger siblings here that I got beat on quite

a bit. And so when you learn to be fast, so you don't get beat on so much. And that's,

that's, that's, I think something to brag about. I got to be fast. Both parents, we

didn't know it was a night. I was born in 1960. I'm 62 years old. I'll be 63 in a couple

of weeks. Um, in the 1960s, uh, my parents, we didn't, there was no talk of alcoholism

or alcoholic behavior or, you know, why do my parents drink so much? And my father was

a bar drinker and my mother was a red, a red mountain, but a couple of older folks in here

can remember the red mountain. It's wine came in a big jug with a hook on it and 99 cents

for a gallon of wine. And I don't think a great 50 miles within that bottle. But my

mother would drink that every day. She would put her little glasses at the kitchen table

and she would drink that and she would wait for my father to get home from the bars. And

that was normal. I liked it. My dad would come home, he'd be drunk and happy and there

ain't nothing better than a happy dad cause you can probably, you know, get some money

off of him or at least he's in a good mood. Well, my mother didn't have the same feeling

about that. So they constantly were at each other's, you know, we watched a lot of violence

in that house and that's, you know, that's just, that was our house. There was no talk

about going to AA. There was no talk about alcoholism. There was just, you dealt with

it and that's, you just kind of stay out of the way. Hence why it was so fast. I remember,

it's funny now, but it was kind of scary back then when you're a five year old kid watching

your mom and dad go at it. And I mean toe to toe, my mom was, couldn't have been five

to my dad was five nine and my mom, she could, she could handle her own man. There is no

doubt about it. It came to a head in 1965 and five years old. Me and my brothers are

at the kitchen table. We're having dinner. My mother's pacing in front of the front door,

waiting for my father to get home from the bar and she's not looking too happy like usual,

but we're just trying to get the food down before the action starts. And a father walks

in, what's up? I'm home. And we're, we're like, Oh, I did something. And she's like,

where you been? And instantly within, within two minutes, they're going to add, I mean,

hands on punch in. And apparently my dad had had just about enough of it. So he grabbed

her from the back of the shirt and the back of the pants and he threw her out the front

window, right at the front window. And we're like, we're trying to get the food down before

anything else is going on. And he comes in and he's like, eh, he goes into the kitchen

and we're like, Oh my God, mom. So we all, me and my two brothers run over the window

and look, we're looking down. We can't see her. We're looking up to see where she's at.

She's gone like, Oh, and my father walks back in the front room and he says, kids, back

to the cake table and finish your dinner. So we're just finishing our dinner. So he

looks out the window, he looks down, he looks up and that'll teach her, right? So he walks

back in the kitchen and we hear a bong and we're like, well, there ain't no big clock

in the kitchen. So we walk into the kitchen and she knocked him out with a frying pan.

Just binged him out. He was out loud on the floor. Unbelievably. They got divorced. And

so they split up. We ended up going to my father in Baldwin Hills and my mother moved

to long beach and we're basically the survivors of an alcoholic family. That's, I mean, we

can, I can tell you a whole bunch of unfortunate stories between the two, but they basically,

and I love my dad. My dad was an all state, all city baseball football player. He was

my hero, you know, and I still, I thought that for many, many years, alcoholism just

didn't come into it. You know, with me and my oldest brother basically raised my middle

brother and me, he just kind of kept us out of the, out of that kind of unfortunate family

style and that life. And we survived. We are survivors of an alcoholic family. There's

a lot of people in here or maybe some of you are in here that are a part of that have lived

part of that. That doesn't make me an alcoholic at all. Not at all. It says it in the book.

What makes me an alcoholic? That big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is my story.

The official person of Alcoholics Anonymous is the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. We'll

get into that later, but right now we don't know anything about that. So we move in with

my dad. He's a bar drinker. What that means from 1965 to 1968 is that he comes home about

every three days and he buys us groceries and then we don't see him for three days and

those groceries run out in about a day. So we learn to steal food from markets in the

liquor stores. And so once again, we're just survivors. Now this, once again, it's not

why I'm an alcoholic. It's just the life that we live. The wheels fell off. You can't have

that kind of life. I mean, every three or four days we have to go to the bar and find

my dad and say, Hey dude, we're hungry. And he just, you know, he goes out, right? So

I got really comfortable at the age of seven, eight, nine going into bars and just sitting

into patent leather seats and look at my dad. He's, you know, some of you are bar drinkers.

Any bar drinkers in here could relate to what I'm talking about. That mirror, that magic

mirror that we look at. And I saw my dad looking in that mirror on the bar and I was like,

what, what, what is it? And it just looked cool. He looked cool having his drink and

we're sitting in the, in the little booth and we're having our little Roy Rogers. But

I just looked at him going, God, what a cool dude. Right? Well, that doesn't last long.

Uh, he family services gets involved. We have to move out and go live with my mother who

moved to long beach. This is 19. I'm, I'm eight year, eight, nine years old and she's

well into her alcoholism because of her drinking and uh, she's got Srosa liver and so she's

in and out of hospitals and we're living with her for the next three years. And same thing.

She's in and out. She's having spinal taps and blood transfusions in the hospital for

three, four months at a time. Once again, we're living by ourselves. It's not a big

deal. Thank God. A park and recreation. I know a lot of guys in here grew up at park

and recreation played ball at the park and got us out of the house. My mom's in the hospital,

but you know, we, we kept going and we survived and, but unfortunately she didn't. And at

the age of 40 years old, she passed away from Srosa liver and I'm 11 years old and I'm wondering,

you know, what's up, why is, why would God take a mother from her kids? And it just doesn't

make sense to me. So, uh, she had an open casket and um, I'll never forget. This is

something that you just don't forget. When I go to her open casket at the age of 11,

um, I see the effects of what alcoholism built due to us and it's, there's gotta be some

people in here that have seen and have gone through similar things of when you see somebody

die of alcoholism, it's a painful, slow, rough, hard death. If you ask me, it just is. My

mother is discolored. It doesn't look like you're on staring at her inside the casket

cause I'm looking at her going, this is not my mother. Where is my mom? What are you trying

to pull on me here? Cause it doesn't look like her. It's the first effects of what alcoholism

does to her family. But yet I just go, nah, it's not that. I remember hearing her friends

go, poor Colleen, if she would just not drink, she'd be okay. You know, and I believe that.

I believe that, you know, she just needed to control her drinking. So we moved back

with my father in Santa Monica. He's still drinking the bars, but he's trying to get

his act together. You know, for a year he gets his act together and a year later I come

home from school and there's a padlock on her. You know, we moved from an apartment

to a motel room because my father's, he's just, he can't handle it. He's trying to be

a good dad, but he just can't do it. So I come home, there's a padlock on the door and

I'm sitting on the stool going, the stoop in front of our door going, what's going on?

So my dad comes home at six, six 30 like usual from the bar. Happy. Now look at my dad, what's

up? There's a padlock on the door, right? What's going on? He goes, Oh, hang on. Let

me go pay rent. So he goes to the car, he comes back, pops lock open with a crowbar.

He goes, son, rent's paid. That's my dad. So, and this is my year, you know, so at the

age of 13, I am, me and my brothers had to split up and we all went our separate ways

to family and friends. And by the time I'm 15, I'm on my own. I'm on my own. I'm not,

I'm not thinking, you know, this is normal. You know, at 15 years old, music, when you

grow up in the sixties, a lot of us, some of us grew up in the sixties, not young kids,

but there was a thing called, there's the Beatles. I remember watching the Beatles on

Ed Sullivan. I was a little kid and the Rolling Stones and, and then it went into, you know,

all kinds of music. Motown was one of my favorites. Motown was that you could dance to that stuff,

but music was my solution from the age of five to the age of 15. And then at the age

of 15, I'm, I'm, I moved in with my brother's apartment in Santa Monica and I have to stay

on his couch and you guys have heard of couch commitments. I'm like, I got a couch commitment

at 15. I'm not even drinking it. That is not right. It doesn't look good for me. So he's

drinking Budweiser's him and his friend were 18 years old and they were drinking Budweiser's

and I'm watching them and I remember drinking a beer at like 14. I hated it. You're nasty.

It didn't do anything for me, but it's incredible how when you need alcohol and you for us and

you drink it at the capacity we do, how it does take care of the problems. And at 15

music no longer became my solution to life drinking and beer. And like I said, Budweiser's

nasty, man. This is horrible. My opinion, my brother loves it, but I couldn't stand

it. Uh, but if you put enough of them down, it don't matter. I'm not thinking about my

mom not being there. I'm not thinking about my dad not being in my life. I'm not thinking

about why do all my friends have at least one parent and I got none. Why am I? Why,

why, why, why, why? You know, it's the alcoholic anthem, I think. Um, so I started drinking

and uh, this is, I'm, I'm sitting in Santa Monica and I'm going to the beach. I mean,

I loved it. I had my, I know parents, I had no, no responsibilities. I just had to work,

make some money, go to school. My oldest brother, he literally told me that cause he was a party

or two. Um, he literally told me, he goes, Johnny, I don't care what you do. And back

in those days, I mean, we, we, we did pill quaaludes and speed and all that other stuff

that we have out there that we use that some of us are used to using. And like I said,

for the new people in here, I don't care what you do. I don't care if you drink or do pills

or do heroin or do fentanyl and whatever it is. What I don't like is the way I feel when

I wake up. So I will put whatever I can in my system to change that feeling. That to

me is alcoholism and uh, and alcohol fixed me. Alcohol fixed me. I drank from 15 to 40,

25 years and I did, uh, let's see, here's the highlights of my reel. Um, let's see.

By the time I'm a 17 years old, uh, on 4th of July, no 16 a year later, it was the bicentennial

1976. Uh, me and three friends, uh, we steal 25 cases of beer from a local cafe on the

morning, early morning, the 4th of July. Cause we want to have fun on the 4th of July. And

uh, I can tell you, I drank, I think I drank about a case that day. If I remember, I don't

remember after about this third or fourth, uh, six pack, but uh, that's me at 17. Um,

let's see by 19. Um, I'm drinking so much beer that, you know, I'm going to the beach

body surfing and, and, and playing Frisbee and football and sports. I love sports. I

grew up playing sports and, uh, but the beer belly started showing up. And if you're at

the beach beer belly, the chickies don't dig the beer bellies. Well, some chicks do, and

that's fine with me. It doesn't matter to me that I didn't dig it. So I went to my drink

that I drank for many, many years, which was Bacardi and Coke. Any run drinkers in here?

Any run drinkers? Run, run, run. Come on. Here's a tidbit. If you throw a couple of

lines in there, you become international. That's Cooper library time. And that became

my drink for 20 years, 20 years. And, uh, I remember, uh, my 21st birthday, uh, once

I kind of skip over this, but I don't want to spend too much time on my drinking. Um,

um, I was going to bars at 19, uh, sneaking in because back then, if you had long hair,

I'd walk up to the bar bartender and I'd say, you know, double, double Bacardi Coke. And

if you tip good, they didn't care because they weren't really checking IDs back then.

And so I got 19 years old, I'm already in bars. So by 21, I'm getting taken out by the,

uh, I worked for, uh, Santa Monica bank, uh, and, uh, we go to a bar I've been frequently

for almost two years and the guys look at me, he goes, Hey, John, what's the big celebration

for? I go, man, I just turned 21. He goes, what? For two years, man. He goes, I could

have lost my license. Do I care? I don't know rats, but no, because I just want my alcohol.

So that's the guy. But anyway, um, all my friends are like, what do you want? And they're

lining drinks up for me. And what did they line up back then? Anybody who read onion

days? Anybody remember the red onion days? How about that? Huh? Dollar dollar, uh, long

Island ice tea night, Thursday night dollar. So they lined up 13, 13 long Island ice teas.

Guess how many I drank? 13. Do I remember? Uh, but they said I did. That was another

proud moment of my life. Um, I woke up about three days later, about three days later,

missed work. Didn't even call in. I remember coming in and out and just wanting more water,

waking up, getting water, going to the bathroom and passing out again. Three days later, I

knew something was wrong. Going to the doctors who was a friend of mine's dad who had been

watching me for many years and taking care of me. And I go into him if there was anything,

any problems. And he looked at me and he goes, John, let me ask you something. He goes, what

happened? I go like drink a couple of drinks. He goes, well, how many? He goes, you look

like you have alcohol poisoning. And I did. And he goes, he goes, you realize you could

have died. And I go, nah, see, I'm not like my mom. I'm not like my dad. I can handle

my alcohol because that's what we say because it's our solution, right? It is mine. And

he goes, well, let me break this down for you. You know, Slicko. Uh, he goes, what's

your drink of choice? I go Bacardi coke with two lines and he goes, well, let me tell you

the two lines are acid, the Coke sugar Bacardi sugar. He goes, I can tell that your esophagus

and your stomach line is deteriorating at a rapid rate. And if you keep this up, you

might not make 30. And I was like, can't be. So he goes, well, there it is. You can do

with that information, what you want. So I went home and like a smart alcoholic, what

did I do? We take out the lines because that's what's killing you. You know? So I kept drinking

Bacardi and Coke for the rest for the next 20 years. Stupid idiot. Um, so that's a 21.

That's what I'm doing at 21. Okay. Nothing happens except I start collecting DUIs. Anybody

DUI collectors in here? I have six, six. You don't want to get those in a row. That's really

bad. So you got to spread those out in a 20 year career like I did. And because I was

doing computer work, I had a lot of lawyer friends that used to, and back then mad, wasn't

mad at us. Uh, they are now and they, you know, they don't put up with that stuff anymore

because we are dangerous people. At least I am. Um, so I, uh, my first one was 21. I

got one at 27. I got another one at 31. I got another one at 35 and then I got, uh,

two more, two more in 97, three more. And, um, so at the age of 25, my father's doing

really bad. He's now, uh, my father now lives in the back of a bar. It's called the gas

light. Anybody know about gas light in Santa Monica? Gas light, man. I, I went there too.

My dad was famous there. Well, he's living in a car in the parking lot out back and I'm

feeling bad about him. So I said, dad, come into him, come live with me in my apartment.

I'll help you out. I'm in my evangelical, uh, trying to help him out with my spiritual

life of partying. And I tell him, you can't, you can't drink, but you can stay with me.

Uh, get your, try and get your life together. Cause I want him in my life. I'm thinking

about getting married. I want to have kids. I want him to have grandkids. I'm not going

to be a dad like him. I'm going to prove it to him. And I want him to see that you can

be a good dad and, and a good grandfather. Well, he wanted nothing to do with it and

he couldn't stop partying. And so, um, uh, he ended up having cancer. I had to take him

to the doctor at, this is in, uh, when I'm 25 years old and the doctor told him, well,

actually Kate, you took me aside. He goes, come here, John, I need to talk to you before

I speak to your dad. They did test on him and they go, your dad is dying. He's dying

from cancer of the throat and neck. And he's also dying from alcoholism. He goes, he's

a, what is he 50 back then? He was 50, I don't know, 52, 52 years old. And he goes, you need

to tell him to stop. And I go, me, you tell him to stop. He ain't gonna listen to me because

who do we listen to? I don't listen to anybody, but I think my dad's gonna listen to the doctor.

The doctor pulls him in and says, Al, uh, you do have cancer. We think we can keep that

at bay, but you've got to stop drinking. You're dying of alcoholism. And my dad and I'm sitting

right here, right? My dad's talking to the doctor right there and I'm sitting going,

come on, dad, straighten up. And my dad looked at this gentleman in the face and he said,

I don't care. I want to die. There's a couple of things in my life that I won't forget.

That's my mom and my dad saying that that's tough. That's a tough one. You ain't going

to forget that stuff, man. And so I'm pissed because now, now I know he doesn't give a

rat's ass about me or anything else. He just wants to drink himself to death. Kind of father

would want to do that. An alcoholic father would want to do that because we don't, he

doesn't have a solution. He doesn't have this program and that's a heartbreaking thing.

So two years later, I get married. I have an instant daughter who I adore to this day.

I get married to my first wife and I'm getting married because I'm going to be a different

dad. I'm getting married because problems are starting to be obvious. I'm getting married

because I think I can do this. I think it's going to fix my alcoholic problem. It doesn't.

Anybody use that excuse to get married? I did. And it did not work out just like Elizabeth

was talking about. You know, in a couple of years I have another son when I'm 29 years

old because I think that's going to fix it. That doesn't fix it. By the age of 31 I have

to leave because we're putting hands on each other now because she can't put up with my

drinking and I can't put up with her because it's her fault. And now the kid's fault that

I can't go out and have fun all the time. And that's the kind of father I turned out

to because the apple does not far too far from the tree guys. It just doesn't. When

alcoholic families, I've seen they say that the alcoholic is a family issue. It really

is. It absolutely is. But, but more importantly, now that I've been here for a period of time,

alcoholic recovery is much more important. It can happen. It can happen. So 31, we get

divorced. I'm on my own. My father, I remember when my father passed, I had to, I had to

close his eyes. I had to go in there and drink a half a bottle of Jack Daniels just to let

him know how I felt. And there's another, there's a, so I've seen both of my parents

die from this disease and yet not once did I ever think that I'd have this problem. Never

once did I think that alcohol was my issue. It was my solution. It is what makes me feel

good. It can't be why I'm getting DUIs or losing employment opportunities or I've lost

my family. I've given those two kids away because it's just people just, the cops are

after me and everybody's treating me bad cause that's what, you know, it's always poor me

for alcoholics. It's never my fault. It's always somebody else's fault. That's something

I found out when I did the steps, you know, that it's, it's been me the whole time. So

blah, blah, blah, blah, more DUIs. I'm in front of a judge at the age of, let's see,

1997. I'm 37 years old. I'm in front of a judge after my sixth DUI. Here's a quick story.

So I get a call from my brother, my 37th birthday, and he says, Jonno, cousin Nancy passed away

from drugs and alcohol. She was 43. And so I don't have a license. I don't have insurance,

but what am I going to do? I told them, my oldest brother said, you know what? We need

to celebrate her life because I need to go out even though I'm not supposed to be driving

and going out because I just got my, my fifth DUI two months ahead of that. So I go, I'm

going to, I'm going to go down to main street in Santa Monica and I'm going to celebrate

her life. So I get my car, I go down there and I drank, I think 20 drinks in two hours

and I started heading to the marina back to the red onion cause that's the hot spot and

I get pulled over by a motorcycle cop and I know that the end is, is not good because

I'm loaded. I am. I am. I know it's the end of times. So he pulls me over and he's a motorcycle

cop and he's got, he looks like the Terminator cop, you know, the motorcycle cop, the helmet.

And I just got, here's the keys, dude. Here's my wallet. I'm not going to be needing these

anymore, but you can have them. I'm just going to mosey on down the road here. It's, it's,

it's December 23rd, two days before Christmas. And the only thing I'm thinking about is my

kids are not going to see me on Christmas. I can't let this happen. He'll understand

if I tell him, I go, Mike, my cousin passed away and, and I'm, he's having me blown into

a breathalyzer. I blew a two, two, a point, a point, two, two. And he's like, no, he goes,

I'm here to keep people like you off the streets. He goes, you're a menace to society cause

he's, he's looking at, he's heard about my record and I'm like, well, that's not very

nice. You're not, you're not very sympathetic to my plight. So I kind of made a decision

right then and there. And I said, oh my God, look at that over there. And yes, he did.

He looked and when he looked back, he was like, where'd that little son of a bitch go?

Jesus, I was gone. Took off cause I'm a fast alcoholic. Remember I told you about that.

I got away. I actually got away. Helicopter, you know, the cartoons, people when you're

crawling under the little characters are crawling. That was the under cars, under bushes. I got

away, but I was a fugitive. So I had to turn myself in 30 days later after moving out of

my apartment after saying goodbye to the kids and the ex and this and saying, I'll be back.

Well, yeah, I did a year in county jail for that. You're in county jail and you think

I'd learn. I didn't, you know, I didn't learn. Um, 2001, three probation violations on top

of those 60 wise I've in front of the same judge and they're not, they don't like that.

They just little tidbit. They don't like to see him five times in two years. He goes,

the DA wants you in Chino state prison for two years. And I don't see why not because

my, my filing is thick. It's not good. And I tell, I look at that. I go, your honor,

I go, I think I'm an alcoholic and he, this is just what I'm saying. He's reading the,

you're not paying child support. You're now doing drugs and alcohol and I said that he

popped his head up and he put his glasses down and he goes, you're kidding me. I didn't

think that was very nice. Just admitted I was an alcoholic. The hardest thing I've ever

had to do in my life. You know, for 25 years I've been, I've been telling everybody I'm

not an alcoholic. This guy and I'll be dinged if I didn't get my moment of clarity and my

moment of grace. Another one, cause it's not the only one I've received. I've received

hundreds of grace periods. I just, I get better and then I go back to my, my solution, which

is, you know, it's killing me. So he lets me go to recovery home February 28th of 2001.

I'm in there and I had a choice. Do I want my kids to feel like I do and not have a dad

around parent around or do I have an opportunity to change this thing around? Well, I came

into here and I saw all you happy people and I was like, this is not good. This is bad.

But what happened was that changed my life because I came to the intersection of willingness

and desperation folks. I had been traveling up desperation road for many years. I finally

stopped off at the, at the corner of willingness and I took a look and they told me, you had

a sponsor, do these steps, get that book and apply those steps in your life and your life

will change like ours. And I kept, I'm not the sharpest tool, not the dullest tool on

that tool shed, but I'll tell you what, I started watching around and you guys were

laughing like you guys were doing there earlier and having fun. And I was like, wait, you're

either crazy or something's going on here. And so the first year my, my sponsor said,

get involved, be of service. You've got a sponsor. We're going to do the steps, make

something your home group. This meeting can be your home group, get a commitment at that

home group, be of service. And just for a little while. And I, and I, I dove in because

in four months I got my apartment back. My kids started coming back into my life. I started

paying those bills off and I'm telling you, I had some serious lawyer bills and spousals,

everything. And I said, well, I heard that it helps you get paid these bills off. Yeah,

that's why I'm in here. So the sponsor stuff, does that mean I get a check every month?

I start paying these bills off on time. And my sponsor looked at me, he goes, no, you

idiot. He goes, no, we'll teach you how to become a productive member of society. And

I go, well, what about being a father? I don't have, I don't have good experience with that.

You know, my dad was never around. He goes, the men in Alcoholics Anonymous will teach

you how to be a good father. Oh, what about, you know, working? Well, they'll teach you

how to be a good employee and I'll be damned. They did. And it did. I got involved. I went

to meetings. I made meetings. I got commitments at all those meetings and I took it serious.

And I found out that, yeah, you know what? If I keep doing this, this program became

my solution. I don't have to use drugs and alcohol anymore to feel good. And yes, is

you've taken the only thing I've known for 25 years away. What am I supposed to do to

replace that? And what was it for just a commitment for five minutes? I do that commitment and

guess what? I feel good. Young man greeted me at the parking lot when I came in here

today. It's not much, but I'll tell you what. Thank you very much. Cause I wouldn't have

known where to park person who made coffee. Thank you for making me the coffee. Perfect.

Thank you for inviting me and letting me share my story. This is my story. It might not be

your story, but here's, here's, here's the whole thing. You have an opportunity to change

your life. Do you want to do it? Are you desperate enough? And are you willing enough to do it?

Because it's free. That's a buck or two in the basket. When you can afford it. I was

spending a hundred, $200 a night in bars. Are you kidding me? This is cheap. I put $5

in the basket every time. Now I still save like, I don't know, $80 a month and I got

a free life and I got it. And in that life, those kids came back and I got a business.

I've been doing computer business for 30 years now, something like that. I've been in computers

for 40 years. I've had my own business. I met this beautiful young lady four years into

my sobriety and I'll tell you what she's the biggest gift sobriety could have brought me.

She is a spiritual loving kind human being who who's made my life full. We try to have

some kids that didn't work out two times. We lost pregnancies. That was tough. She lost

her father. That was tough. She lost, she's lost her aunt. She's she just recently lost

her mother. We go through things when you're sober. Doesn't mean I got to go out there

and trash my life up again, man. Today it's more important for me to realize that I have

a chance to go through anything in life. Even those memories of my mother's image and my

father's image and all the, all the damage that's happened to me when I was a kid and

I was alone in those homes. Bad things happen to kids when, when you're alone. And it happened

to me too. And you know what? That's not why I'm an alcoholic. I know I'm an alcoholic

because I love alcohol. And when I drink alcohol, I drink it excessively. And I can't stop that

first drink. That's just a warm up. When I used to go to bars, anybody like this, you

go into bars. I nodded the guy. He'd have my double Bacardi and Coke waiting for me

at the bar. I'm already feeling good before I drink. That is an alcoholic. Ask any normie

out there. Hey, do you feel good? But before you have the actual drink, they're like, what

are you talking about? Are you crazy? That's not a normal thing. And that was for me. I

don't know about you guys, but I don't care what you're doing. You're dope or your skills.

If you know you're on your way there and it's making you feel good. You got a problem. You

got a problem because it's already right. I'm not lying. I'm not lying. Zoomers. What

a life I have. We've been married 19 years together, 20. And we, we have a home. We have,

we are respected members of the society. My kids are my life. My son is doing good. My

daughter is doing good. They're not like me because they've seen, but the most important

thing is if they ever had a problem, they would know where to go because you guys have

taught me that it's safe here. They're safe here. If you're here and you're new, this

is your opportunity to change your life. And, and it works. If it didn't work, we wouldn't

be here. I wouldn't be here if it didn't work. And I've tried everything in those 25 years

to get a new solution. Alcoholics Anonymous is the only solution that works in my 22 years

for people like us. It'll work for me. It'll work for you. So unending, I like to end with

my favorite sand for my favorite singer, Bruce Springsteen. Don't judge me. I believe in

the love that you gave me. I believe in a faith that can save me. I believe and I hope

and I pray that we continue our journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you for my life.