Ernest's Journey: From Early Blackouts to 29 Years Sober

Thank you. I'm just going to stand up long enough so that so that I can welcome everyone

who raised their hands as either a newcomer or retread. Because we're all in this room

because we have a disease. It's called alcoholism. I wanted to especially thank you for coming

tonight. And by the way, thank you, Karen, for inviting me and asking suggesting that

I suit up. When Karen told me that it was suggested that I wear a tie and a coat, I

said, Oh, my goodness, there must be 500 people at this meeting. I can't remember whether

I wore this suit to a wedding or a funeral. But for alcoholic, can you hear me okay back

in the back means that I have a disease of the mind, the body and the spirit. And I think

alcoholism is the only disease when that when you have it, people yell at you. For one reason

or another, I'm going back as far as I can remember, I when I was a kid growing up, I

had three sisters younger and I tell them today I said, you know, I'm an only child

except for my three, three sisters, which was kind of a clue of what was later to be

described as self centeredness. But as a kid, I knew I felt different than the other kids

in school. And as I grew up, and the reason that I felt different was because I was different.

I didn't think like the other kids. And I no matter how many people were in a room always

felt alone or always felt self conscious. And I knew that I didn't amount to much but

I was all that I could think about. It was all about me. Um, I had my my first blackout

when I was about 12 years old. And my father was military. And I wanted to circle back

just for a second. My father was military and we were living in Germany. And in Germany,

if you can reach the bar, they'll pour you a drink. So I was out on the town with some

other kids. And all I remember is that I would they had dragged me home in the snow by my

heels. And I had the next morning I got up and of course, I had vomited all over myself.

And and my mother thought it would be a good idea if I were to go and have a nice long

chat with a with the priest and tell him just what I had been up to time. I was a good student,

good student, who was a good, good kid, you know, generally never got in trouble. I was

a people pleaser teacher's pet. So I learned how to manipulate people early on. And what

was I gonna say? Oh, but Oh, I know what I was gonna say. By the way, I love alcohol.

I love to drink. I loved it when I was drinking. And I've never lost my my affection. And the

reason for that is from the very first time that I remember drinking alcohol did something

to me. It took me there, you know, I mentioned that I felt different because I was different.

When I drank, I went there. And I like being there. And so even though I was a good student,

I would drink all through high school on the weekends with my friends. And you know, I

went to college and went to all the parties, but I wouldn't drink when it was time to study.

And eventually, I got out of school and I was recruited by a big company. And in those

that time, you were expected to have martini lunches with your clients. And I love that.

I did early on, I did a lot of bar drinking and and I love to drink in the bars because

you know, they were nice and dark and there was music and hors d'oeuvres. And after a

few drinks, I always I always felt like I was the genius sitting between the two assholes,

you know, and, and alcohol did that for me. And I loved it so much that I was paying attention

to my drinking. And all of the events that I made sure that I attended where there was

alcohol and I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that didn't involve alcohol. And

that included being married to one woman, being a parent and, and being honest, because

in my work, I managed to lie, cheat and steal, you know, and it was white collar crime. And

it's a miracle that I'm wearing this suit tonight is not an orange suit, you know, I

will tell you that. My sobriety date is December 28 1993. So I celebrated 29 years on the last

time and you know, you know what my sponsor says earned that's a good start. So you know,

I'm just getting started. They made notes because I thought I was going to be speaking

in front of you know, Hollywood, Hollywood Bowl. I wanted to say, especially to if you're

here at a meeting for the first time or 30 days, I've been to a lot of meetings over

those 29 years and I've never heard not once in a meeting. I've never heard anybody say

that the more they drank, the better their life. You know, I've always heard that the

more they drank, they spiral down until they hit that horrible nightmare rock bottom place

for you come face to face with inexplicable demoralization. And I went from drinking in

bars to sitting in my psychiatrist's office being analyzed as suicide. Ernest Cartwright

is a 38 year old male with suicidal ideation, you know, and I've got that report real handy

where I cannot work. I can refer live I have to as I was driving over here, how fortunate

I felt that I was coming to an AA meeting, you know, we're here because we're not all

there. We're here because we're not only and I was coming to an AA meeting and when we're

not in these meetings, we're outside and we're constantly being bombarded with information,

news, traffic, culture, bad news, worse news. I need another password. No. Yes, this is

Ernest Cartwright. I'd like to lower my cable bill. Okay. Do you have your your password?

No, no, I forgot it. Well, I said, Can't you just tell me how I can lower my cable? How

do we know it's you? Well, who else would be calling you to lower my bill? Three other

people are trying to steal my identity and they want to lower my bill. Let them that's

not the world that we live. So as I shared with Karen on the way over here, we're so

fortunate to have this program to help us keep focused. You know, our main job is to

say so our main job is to work the steps, read the book, follow the program and not

drink. And if we do those things, no matter what's happening around us, we're going to

be okay, we're going to be okay. So we have a tremendous advantage to all of the normies

out there who they have to decide right or left conservative or liberal, yes or no, black

or white, you know, they've lost their minds. But here, we're safe on a Saturday night.

So we don't just come to meetings to stop. That's what I was gonna say. We come to meetings

for the drinking and we stay for the thinking. But it's even better than that, because we're

coming into a new meeting, we're coming into a new life. That's what that's the gift, the

miracle of AA that if you come into these meetings, and you keep your ears open in your

mouth shut for at least the first 90 days, in my case, five years before I had anything

to say, oh, then you've got a shot, you know, you've got a shot to to be the best person

that you can be whoever you are. And today, you know, I'm not this is not what I planned

to be when I was in school. And I newlywed, you know, I didn't see my future as being

sitting here in a room with a bunch of drunks. So I didn't plan this. And there are other

things that I could be but and this is the message. Thank God I and we're not what we

used to be violent. Wow, absolutely. I think I can do it. So mention that already. Ah,

here's a good one. And by the way, the reason I make notes is because anything that I have

up here is bullshit. You know, where's the book, if I could hold up a big book right

now would say this is the truth. And I'm saying this to all the newcomers, especially because

your best thinking got you here, you know, your best ideas, oh, you know, I'll drive

that Ford Pinto off that cliff. That's a good idea. So, and what makes my my program especially

rewarding is that I live by these little things, you know, as we go through the day, we pause

when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. I do that at least

100 times a day, I have to tell you at least 100 times a day, because I'm always doubtful

and agitated. And I need the guidance that this pro I need this program for living and

I need to see that map. You know, I'm one of those guys that I can easily fall off and

get into my own head and run. So one of the things that I love is to wisdom and goodness,

and I'm sorry about me yelling, but I want to make sure that you guys hear this back

there wisdom and goodness, we make only promises, it is pain that we obey. So the reason that

the newcomers and the reason I came in here, it wasn't because I was on a winning streak,

you know, I was a loser, my ass was falling off, I was suicidal. And I realized that I

just couldn't stop drinking. I had no power over alcohol that it completely controlled

me. But in these rooms, when you come into a meeting, this is where we learn this is

where we get the power to stop drinking. This is where we get that we find the power to

stay sober one day at a time for 26 years for 29 years. So we're we're living proof

that this program works. And there's probably somebody out here that can raise their hands

and my sponsors as well, you know, 50 years, but 29 is a good start, then that day will

come that you'll be able to look in the mirror and say, today, I like what I see. I'm comfortable

in my own skin, you know, not everything is right. relationships are still difficult.

I'm having a hard time at work, my finances are out of control. My body's falling apart,

I'm okay, I accept that. I'm grateful that I've lived this long. I'm grateful to know

that I have a connection with a higher power. And that's what makes it work from one day

to the next. And our program in the 11th step. So I've through prayer and meditation, to

maintain our conscious contact with God, as we understood, train only for knowledge of

his will for us and the power to carry that out. So the program is simple, but we are

insane people, we're nuts, and we'll always be nuts. But as long as we work the program

and keep our mouth shut, no one will know outside these rooms that we're crazy. You

know, in here, we can say, Yeah, I'm an alcoholic. I'm crazy. But nobody out there wants to hear

it. You know, they don't need it. We can. Karen said, Ernest, I want you to wear a tie.

And I said, Okay, she says, because we want the newcomers to see what the program can

do. But I'm here to tell you that I don't come to this meeting or any meetings to look

good. I come to feel good. That's why we come. I think you mentioned the the ABCs, right?

That's Jojo. Was that Jojo? Okay. So to the newcomers, the program is as simple as ABC.

A, we knew that we were alcoholic, and probably no human power on earth could relieve our

alcoholism and God would if we let ABC so if you need to have it sharing my experience

strength and hope. So getting back to my psychiatrist office. I went from drinking in bars to going

back home. You know, I remember my last night, my parents who are I'm an orphan right now.

I was in the restaurant business in Santa Barbara and, and my partner called and by

the way, I was I was stealing from my my own register, of course. And my partner said,

you better come and get earnest because I had been lying in the shower for two days.

And so my dear mother and father came up and they loaded me into the back of the car and

in Santa Barbara, and as we grew up, we were driving out of town. I said, Please stop.

I've got to buy a six pack. And so I drank the six pack on the way home, you know, in

the backseat, what a loser. And I went into my into my parents, and I had run out of the

insurance, there was no more coverage, no more hospital stays no more. I was here at

Burbank at least half a dozen times in and out over the years, you know, and every time

I come back Oh, and I my dear mother dried me out with with soup, but I would keep a

bottle of whiskey underneath the bed, because I just couldn't sleep at night. I, you know,

I wanted to get even with everybody. And I was so full of anger and fear that that was

as bad as it got, you know, keeping that bottle of whiskey under my bed and sucking on it

so that I could pass out again. And I remember that a handful of years earlier, I had gotten

a DUI, and the judge had sent me to the Windsor Club in Glendale. And so finally, after my

parents weren't weren't home. And so I just I knew that I was gonna die the way I felt

the point that I had reached this, I was insane. I was insane. And I dropped on my knees, and

I asked God for help. And when my parents came home, I asked my dad if he would drive

me to the Windsor Club. And I walked into the club. And Bob Elias was still my sponsor

was sitting behind the desk. And I said, Is this is this where the meeting is? And he

said, Yeah. And I said, How long is it gonna last? He said the rest of your life. And for

the first year, really, I kept my mouth shut, because my sponsors suggested that I do so

I was really a bad case. And somehow, you know, during this time, I even managed to

move to New York City and stay sober in New York City, because in New York City, and this

is the only f bomb I promise I'll drop tonight. But you know, their recovery program is get

the fuck up where you're gonna die. That's it. That's how they sponsor you. So, and page

86 on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. So if you if you want to stay

sober, if you want the program to work, then as I said, you read the big book, you work

the steps, you get a sponsor, and some point three things will happen to you the first

three steps, you'll admit that you're powerless over alcohol, you'll come to believe that

a power greater than yourself can restore your sanity, sanity, and you'll turn your

life and your will in your life over to the care of God. And with regard to to the God

of question, my sponsor said, there's only two things you need to know about God. There's

one and you're not it. You're not God. So you don't share enough. I don't work with

others and especially with newcomers. I don't give myself to the program enough. And that's

my loss. You know, I'm working on I'm working on. So if anybody needs a sponsor, talk to

me after my family tree as well. You know, my ethnicity is is Mexican. And we did all

the week DNA hasn't been gleaned out yet. But we're trying a person very close to me,

you know, my daughter, who I think I'm saving that seat for, but she doesn't want to hear

anything I have to say, of course. And what this program has has taught me that is one

of the things I really treasure is spirituality. What does that mean? Well, for me, spirituality

means that I've learned how to keep my mouth shut restraint of pen, the less I have to

explain, apologize, or be that we need to make an amends. And my my daughter's mom passed

away a handful of years ago. And so I said, you should move in with me, you should move

in with me. And she finally did. And the reason that she didn't want to move in with me is

because she thought that she was going to have to give up her drinking. So. So I moved

into the in laws, the mother in law house in the back of our house, and she has the

run of the whole watch. She and her cats, and her friends that do like to party and

they party heavy and they drink heavily and and when she gets into her cups, you know,

that old alcoholism comes out. But you know, I've got this this shield that I just I it's

impenetrable impenetrable because I don't let that I can see it. And and I'm not trying

to 12 step her but in the handful of years that she has lived, we've lived under the

same roof, I can see that her behavior is calming down and her rage anger and yesterday

when yesterday, one of her friends was visiting her who was not an alcohol, but nevertheless,

one of her friends. And she, she she knew that I was going to come here and speak. So

my daughter was in earshot and I told her what I was going to share what it was like

what happened and what it's like today. And my daughter teared up most of the time, you

know, most of the time, reasonably happy, you know, God grant me the serenity to accept

things that cannot change and the courage to change the things I can wisdom to know

the difference in the degree the next pair, it is and to be reasonably happy. So I'm not

happy all the time, but most of the time, and that's such a joy to to know that your

anger meter doesn't spike or anything, you know, so and as we all know, you know, once

we step out these doors, we're surrounded by assholes everywhere. But I don't rage out

on the freeway, you know, I've been flipped off, I guess I'm starting to drive a little

more carefully. And that's a gift, you know, that's a gift. I'm able to be there getting

back to drinking at the bar and putting drinking above everything else above being a father,

but being a husband, the reason that I asked my daughter to move in, and she finally did

is is because and what I'm doing today is I'm working a living right after her mother

died, her mother died, her mother died from cancer, my sister was in the hospital room

with my daughter when she passed. And right before she passed, she said, Tell your father

I forgive it. My daughter has never said that she's never shared that. So you know, she

still gets I'm still on the hook. I'm still on the hook. But and that's the most important

thing for me to do. You know, when all is said and done, I've made the whole circuit

and and today my motto is dare to be dull, dare to be dull and just be the father story.