From Silent Suffering to Shared Strength: A Mother's Journey in Sobriety

- Oh, you moved over there, okay.

Karen, thank you for reaching out to me,

including me as part of the meeting.

Of course I'm like, "Who gave you my number?"

But it's all good.

You know what?

I'm one of those alcoholics that like to suffer in silence.

So this is kind of good for me to be out and sharing.

And I've got some friends here that I love

and that put up with me.

But I always say we're only as good as the company we keep.

So I'm really grateful.

And thank you for your share.

I really related to you a lot.

And I love sober mom stories and I'm always moved by that.

And welcome to anybody that's new to the meeting

and new on Zoom.

I don't really need to turn around, huh?

This is, I'm kind of getting used to this hybrid thing.

Anyway, welcome to anybody that's new

or coming back to us.

And it's not always easy, this sobriety thing,

but we get to do it together.

And I kind of want to start off and just clarify

that contrary to popular belief, I'm not bossy.

And I'll tell you why,

because I was at a meeting last night

and I was with a friend of mine

who'd never been to the meeting.

And so during the break and I saw some people

I hadn't seen in a while and it's an old timer there

that went and said hi to her.

And then I introduced the old timer to my friend

and she was really nice to my friend as she owns this.

And then she tells me, she's like,

"Oh, are you new to the meeting?"

And my friend's like, "Yes."

And then she turns around to me and says,

"Take her to the literature table."

And no please or anything like that.

Just take her over there.

- Okay.

- You know, and I'm only bossy

because you old timers made me that place.

So she's just telling me what to do

with this new friend of ours.

And so, and that's sort of how I've been brought up here.

And you know, I'm just sitting here passing it along

and it just, it made me, I laughed.

And I was telling my friend, I go, you see, I'm not,

I'm not bossy, they made me this way.

You see how she just bossed me around

and told me to take you to the table?

Well, this is how it is.

This is how it is around here.

So, you know, we got a good laugh out of that.

My sobriety date is January 2nd, 1996.

And my home group is the Saturday morning.

Saturday, we've actually never had a name to that meeting.

Saturday morning, women's two met, right?

It's at 1030 on Saturdays, 1030 AM.

And I've been going to that meeting for a really long time.

And I love that meeting because it was one

of the few meetings in the Valley at that time

that had childcare.

And I really needed childcare when I arrived.

And actually, in fact, it's a special time.

It's what, May 21st or something like that.

So my daughter's birthday is May 27th.

She's gonna be 28.

And I always, this time of the month,

you know, is a time of reflection for me

because I remember how crazy it was in May of 1995

because I was so not okay.

I was so loaded.

I, let's see, she was born May 27th.

So May 26th, actually May 27th in the morning,

I went into labor and I was coming down basically.

I was really bad.

And I had her on May 27th of 1995.

At Northridge Hospital.

And, you know, alcoholism is powerful, you know,

and the problem is I don't think I have a problem.

And, you know, I related a lot to you.

I grew up out here in the Valley.

You know, I had, you know, it's,

they define alcoholism as a spiritual disease.

And, you know, looking back, you know,

there was a lot of dis-ease growing up.

My dad was a drinker.

So there was alcohol in the house.

And, you know, for some reason as a kid,

I was always curious about alcohol and I don't know why.

And I started off by sneaking his cigarettes

'cause I, you know, he was also a smoker.

So I started off that way

and I always wanted to try his beer,

but I thought he kept track of his beer in refrigerators.

So I never was brave enough to steal one, but I was curious.

And I, you know, he'd come home from work

and crack open a beer.

And I thought, you know, I sort of connected it with like,

oh, he's, you know, relaxing after work, you know,

and things were, you know, there was, it was uncomfortable.

You know, I had a hard relationship with my mom

and later on I found out I was adopted,

but I didn't know I was.

I was snooping and found a box in my closet

and read some papers and found out I was adopted.

And the only thing that I realized was like,

I thought to myself, oh, you know,

no wonder she doesn't like me.

I'm not even her kid.

You know, this was the relief I got from that, right?

And that's the only thing I could tell myself, you know,

and there was a lot of things going on, but you know,

I, from the moment I, and I've spirit, my alcohol,

my drinking started with like experimentation.

I found the liquor cabinet.

So in the middle of the night, I'd go sneak down there

and I, you know, take a little sip of peppermint schnapps

and you know, whatever.

And it was warm and fuzzy and comforting.

And I liked the effect produced by alcohol.

I, you know, it, connection, you know, it was just,

you know, ease and comfort.

It was just, you know, it just made me feel calm

and peaceful, you know, amidst the everything going on.

And, you know, I crashed and burned pretty quick.

I, you know, and I related to you.

I mean, you know what?

I liked school.

I did well.

I liked, you know, I was always like the last kid standing

in the spelling bee and I loved to write book reports.

And it's not that, you know, I grew up and, you know,

I had anybody calling me, you know,

stupid or anything like that.

It's just that nobody said anything, you know what I mean?

So I kind of, you know, and I had some insecurities,

you know, I, you know, I, my dad was American.

My mom was Filipino.

I was always kind of embarrassed, you know, about my mom.

She had a really thick accent.

I never had friends over and she suffered from OCD,

like a repetitive kind of OCD thing going on.

And so I never wanted anybody to see her.

It was, it was, it made for a lot of discus.

So I left home as quick as I possibly could,

went to go stay with friends and, you know,

partied on and, you know, and it was fun and it was fun.

And, you know, it was 1992 and it was fun.

I was hanging out with the home girls

and Dr. Dre just dropped his chronic album

and we were hanging out hard and, you know.

But the problem is I have alcoholism

and I don't realize that I'm never gonna get back

to the park with the home girls.

You know, those days are gonna be long gone.

You know, I now have a physical craving, you know,

beyond my mental control.

And, you know, I encourage anybody that's new, you know,

to take a minute to dive into the doctor's opinion.

It really, you know, it really explains alcoholism for me.

And, you know, whenever I, not question,

but I relate to it, like, oh, this is why I drink,

you know, and I get it, like it makes sense, right?

And, you know, so I crash and burn, you know, pretty quick.

And, you know, the truth of the matter is if I could drink

and not like get in trouble, not get arrested, you know,

not get into, you know, cars that I'm supposed

to be getting into or whatever, all of that stuff,

I'd probably still be doing it.

If alcohol, if drinking still worked for me,

I'd probably still be doing it.

And the problem is it just, it doesn't.

And, you know, so, you know, and then I got pregnant

and, you know, it's like, it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough, it wasn't suffice to stop me

from doing whatever I was doing.

And so I tried to get some help.

I even went to a little place called Via Avante

for one night, and I stayed for one night.

I got checked in and everything,

and then I left the next morning.

And I was, I was thinking, God, what would have my,

what would have my life been if I would have stayed?

'Cause it's a facility for women and children.

And it's, you know, anyway, I, so it's interesting.

So I had my daughter and, and I, you know,

she was taken out of the hospital

when she was three days old

and went into a foster care home.

And I went back to my apartment

and it talks about it in the big book, you know,

the four horsemen, you know, the terror,

the bewilderment, the frustration, and the despair.

And I sat there and I, you know,

I'm dry with like no AA, right?

And, and it's kind of a dark place to be

when you're not drunk, but you don't have this, you know?

And, and I just didn't know what to do with myself.

And I was so ashamed of what I had done.

And so I just did, you know, what we do.

And so, so from May of '95 to January of '96,

I tried to, you know, put the days together.

I had social workers knocking on my door

and they had put a list of counseling places

'cause part of the court, you know,

case was that I was supposed to go get treat, you know,

go into some kind of treatment thing.

And so anyway, so I made a bunch of appointments.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah, I'll be there.

And, and, and, and I ended up actually going one day

and I, I met this counselor there and, and you know,

the, my, my thing was hypocrisy.

You know, I, and, and it's sort of a spiritual sickness

in its own right.

'Cause I would say, you know,

who are you to tell me anything?

You know, what are you doing?

You know, my parents, you know,

they wanted me to be like this good person, this good kid,

but my mom was so mean and I'd say, you know,

who are you to tell me anything?

You're not even nice, right?

Like, and, and it was like,

and I have to be careful with that.

Even, even today, you know, like sitting, thinking like,

you know, take, you know, look at your own self,

but you know, what are you doing?

You know what I mean?

And it's so easy to get into that spiritual sickness

of judgment and, you know, keeping me sick, you know,

and keeping you away from me and, you know,

keeping you disconnected and, you know,

but that was my thing.

You know, I, I'd be out, you know,

even when I was out there, I'd say, you know, look,

look at this, you know, person picking up, you know,

girls off the street.

I mean, he's probably married, got kids at home.

I mean, you know, the hell with all these people, you know,

and it just kept me really sick and it made it okay for me

to keep doing what I was doing.

You know what I mean?

Which was not right either, but, you know,

but I'm grateful to that drug and alcohol counselor.

She told me about meetings and my first meeting

was an NA meeting actually at Northridge Park.

And, you know, I really just walked into that meeting

and really didn't know what was, what was going on.

But I, you know, I heard people sharing and I thought,

oh, this is, this is interesting.

You know, they're like doing stuff and they're not,

you know, they're not partying and, and drinking

and drugging and, you know, they're, they sound like,

you know, whatever it was, it was interesting.

And it's, it's easy to get, you know, nervous sharing

and having to do this, this thing.

But then I always remember that it's, you know,

it's not the speaker, it's the listener.

So, you know, I, I don't, I don't trip, but, but I,

you know, I've grown to really appreciate, you know,

the sharing that, that, you know, happens here.

And, and, you know, so I, I heard stuff and I thought,

you know, this is, this is, this is good.

This is pretty cool.

And I, I, I, you know, went back to that meeting every week

and I started branching out to different meetings and,

you know, and, and it was, you know, and, and I,

a lot of, a lot of my time was, was spent in meetings.

I went to the Valley Club and, you know, my daughter was,

was still in foster care.

And, and so I had time and, you know,

I was able to go to a bunch of meetings in the beginning

and, you know, and, and so we just, you know, we started

and, and, but the real challenge was when, you know,

was when my daughter came home to live with me.

And I wanted, you know, so that, so that's the,

the hoopla, the shenanigans.

And, but, you know, I got to, I got to, I got to have,

I got to make a new story here and, and, you know,

a sober story and I, you know,

they talk about the personal adventures before and after,

and my personal adventures after are, you know, amazing.

And, you know, I'm so grateful to the old timers.

You know, I was, you know,

I went to the Valley Club in my first year

and all the old timers that were there, you know, you know,

Helen Bloom would get up and share from, from, you know,

the podium and she'd say, you know,

stay away from my girls.

I have a baseball bat in my trunk

and I'm not afraid to use it.

Like, you know, gems, you know, and they've all, you know,

gone to the big meeting in the sky and I, I miss them,

you know, and I'm, I'm grateful that, that, you know,

we get to pass, you know, we get to keep their legacy alive,

but, you know, and it was, it was rough, you know,

learning to be, you know, a sober mom and, and, you know,

I've, I've, I've struggled, you know, and, and, you know,

it's interesting.

I had, I learned a lot about like not using my alcoholism

or my recovery or, you know,

my sobriety as like a manipulation to, you know,

get people to do whatever.

And I remember, and I'll never forget this, you know,

my daughter and I were struggling and I got so mad at her.

And I said, you know, if I drink, it's going to be your fault.

It's what I told her one time and I just watched her,

her eyes fill up with, with, you know, tears.

And I, I'll never forget the look on her face.

And I said, you know what?

And I never said that to her again.

And I learned a huge lesson about, you know, you know,

this is like my deal, you know, I'm not, you know, it's,

it's, you know, and, and so there's,

there's been a lot of tough lessons and, you know,

living amends and, you know, it's funny because today,

I'm like, ah, gosh, you know,

I got to go share at that meeting and I better go home

and do that step work that my sponsor gave me,

like in January and finish it because, you know,

then it'll be credible or, you know,

I've got to share in front of all these people.

And, oh God, you know, it was just like, you know,

I passed on the step work to one of my, to, to my friend,

to my sponsor Rose and she's already like done with it.

I'm like, oh my God, you know, you know,

it's just so like, come on, you know,

sponsors aren't bulletproof, you know, I, you know, I,

it's in the same way that God meets me halfway.

I have to, I have to meet others and, you know,

I know you baby then you bury them, blah, blah, blah.

You know, if I had the power to get people sober,

this room would be like,

there would be no more room in this room, okay.

And I just, you know, I'm so, you know,

I'm grateful for the patience and the tolerance, you know,

and the, and the graciousness that alcohol,

the people of alcohol and Alcoholics Anonymous have,

you know, shown me and, you know, it's, it's, it's all,

it's all changed.

And, you know, so, so yeah, it was, it was, it was hard,

but you know, my daughter and I, you know,

we started going to that Saturday meeting and I dragged Jovi

with me and, and we, you know, we started our life,

but I'm going to tell you, I want to tell you a few things,

the foster mom and I, where Jovi was in foster care,

you know, we stayed friends and, and she's like her nana now

and she was very, she's been instrumental.

She was like a second mom and, you know,

so we're still friends today.

When I was 20 years sober,

I called my social worker and she remembered me

and I called her and I said, you know,

this always makes me, I said, you know,

I just want to thank you.

I said, I want you to know that we're okay, you know,

and, and Jovi's good and I'm good, you know, and you know,

things like that. Right. And, and same thing.

I was able to go back to school. I love it. You know,

I got my GED and, you know, I,

I used to sit in meetings and think like, oh God,

this meeting, you know,

how's this meeting going to help me pay my bills?

You know, how, you know, I'm on food stamps.

I'm just trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents. I mean,

what, you know, what I don't even, you know,

what do you know, you have a car, you know,

that kind of stuff. Right. I'm like, but you know,

I'll tell you how Alcoholics Anonymous helped me with,

I didn't know that going to meetings and building that

structure of going to meetings,

getting to meetings on time is going to prepare me for the

workforce. I didn't know, you know, so when,

so I had been so used to getting to meetings and having this

little schedule of meetings that, you know,

it became natural to like, okay, well, okay,

now I've got to go to work, you know, and, and that's how,

and that's how it connected. It was like, oh, you know,

it's been preparing me, you know, to, you know,

to be out in the world, to take these principles and,

and, you know, apply them, you know, to my life, you know,

and, you know, it was, it was a lot of lessons in that way.

And, you know, I, so currently, you know,

I still try to keep commitments. I have, what am I,

the Tuesday night women's hole in the sky meeting.

I'm the chip and cake person.

So if you want to come and take a chip, I'm happy to,

you know, so I have that commitment and apparently I have

the coffee once, you know, when I can the coffee bar,

you know, volunteer thingy at the Valley Club, you know,

I only volunteered for one Sunday,

but apparently now I'm on the schedule.

And so I try to stay active in that way. You know,

I always feel like sometimes I don't, you know,

have a lot to give, you know, financially or otherwise.

But, you know, I do, because if I'm in a meeting,

there's always ways to be of service, you know,

help pick up chairs or, you know, help set up the meeting

or, you know, contribute in some way, you know, that way.

And, you know, a long journey, you know, I, you know,

all the, you know, being in love with, you know,

being in broke with, you know, the friendships,

you know, I always say, okay, staying sober, you know,

longevity, sobriety, you know, time only matters

to the person who has it.

But, you know, it's like, you know,

you think staying sober is hard,

try keeping friendships for 27 years.

I mean, you know, try, you know, sitting, you know,

I, sitting with people in meetings for 27 years

and working things out and, you know, the steps, you know,

have been, you know, a guide for me to, you know,

I didn't look, I didn't know that when I was mad at somebody

or resentful at somebody that I could like put it on paper

and like go through this process and like work it out.

I always was just mad at you for being mad at me.

And then I would just like, okay, we're not friends anymore,

you know, or, you know, like try, you know,

going to meetings for 27 years, having a resentment

and then like, oh, I'm just gonna go to a different meeting.

Yeah, right, how about staying put and sitting through

that meeting and working it out?

Like, I didn't know, right?

And, you know, although I do love, you know,

the new meetings that start with the resentment

and the coffee pot, there have been some great meetings

that have been started that way and I do appreciate that.

But, you know, these are, these are the things.

And, you know, my mom passed away in 2018,

but I wanna tell you a story about that.

I was hanging out, so this is in 2018.

I found out that my mom was sick.

They were living out in Palm Desert, my dad and my mom.

I hadn't been in their lives for a really long time.

My dad, you know, and I were still connected and, you know,

he'd come to visit me and stuff like that.

But, you know, I'm so grateful for the women

of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know,

I was sitting at the hole in the sky, it was Tuesday night.

I was with Sue and Kristen and I was telling them,

oh, you know, my mom's sick and she's out there

and I don't know what to do.

You know, I don't think I should go see her

because, you know, we haven't talked and, you know,

it's just, you know, it's all bad, right?

And they were like, you know,

so we were sitting back there talking and I'm like,

you know what, I don't even have enough gas in my car

to get out there.

They're all the way out in Palm Springs or whatever.

And, you know, they handed me a couple bucks.

They said, you know what, just go see, just go out there.

Just go, I'm like, okay.

And, you know, that's another thing, you know, just go,

just get in the car, just get in the car.

You know, that's the kind of sobriety, just get in the car.

Let's go.

So they said, just, you know, just go.

So I went, so I went Wednesday morning,

I drove out there and I saw my dad and I got to see my mom.

By the time I got, I mean,

she couldn't talk anymore and all of that stuff,

but, you know, I'm glad I went out there.

I'm glad that I talked to those women that night about it.

And she passed away Thursday morning

and I got to be there for my dad.

You know, a friend used to tell me, you know,

the more you share,

the more people know what's going on with you,

the more people can pray for you.

And I thought, that's interesting.

You know, that makes sense.

So it's good to share.

It's good to share what's going on, you know,

so more people can be there for you and support you.

And, you know, so I'm really grateful.

And so I got to be out there and, you know,

even though I was never able to mend things, you know,

with my mom, it still just felt good

to be able to be there for my dad.

And, you know, I'm forever grateful for, you know,

the program for selfish people

learning to not be so selfish, you know.

And, you know, it's been, you know,

it's just been quite a journey.

So my current situation, I live with my dad and my daughter

and the pug and the shnug and the fat rat cat.

And, you know, it's peaceful.

And it's, you know, I live a simple life

and I have found out the longer I am sober,

the less I need, the less I want.

And it's enough, you know.

Terry White used to say alcoholics anonymous

has never not been enough.

And, you know, I, you know, I was reading,

I think my favorite chapter in the book is a vision for you.

And I was reading the other day

and I don't know why I was reading it.

I think I was talking to somebody about it.

But on page 154, when it talks about

when Bill was at the hotel and he felt like drinking

and he didn't know whether or not

he wanted to go to the bar, you know.

And instead he, you know, called the hospital

to see if there were any drunks that he could talk to.

And he called Dr. Bob.

He ended up talking to Dr. Bob.

And I always think about that story, like, man,

what if he never made that phone call?

You know, isn't it crazy to think like,

what if he never made that phone call?

We would not be here, you know.

And it's just so powerful, you know.

And, you know, I always joke around with just, you know,

like, what's the point?

And I said, we read it every week at a meeting.

What is the point, you know?

The point is we're willing to grow along spiritual lines.

And, you know, I have a spiritual disease and, you know,

I go, I fall off my routine, you know.

I believe in the power of prayer.

I have, over the years, I was one of those people

that come in and I'd say, you know,

they say this isn't a religious program.

How did we say the Lord's prayer?

It doesn't make sense to me, you know.

All of that stuff, right.

And, you know, and then I said, you know,

I'm gonna check out those atheists.

You know, there's Alcoholics Anonymous atheist meetings,

which are very fascinating, by the way.

I've been to a couple and I've been through, you know,

and so I've gone through my, you know,

involvement of, you know, connecting to a higher power.

And, you know, I don't think that there's anything

more spiritual than witnessing people

helping other people out.

And it's, you know, I don't, I just don't know how, you know,

and I don't, you know, it's, you know,

there's never a wrong way to do the right thing.

It's like, it's not rocket science, right.

And so whatever that, whatever growing

along spiritual lines means to you,

maybe it, you know, maybe it means that, you know,

you take your, you know, elderly parent

and you're taking care of your elderly parent.

Maybe it means that you're, you know,

taking care of your kids.

Maybe it means that you're not, you know,

throwing your cigarette butts in front of the meeting hall,

even though there's a sign that says not to, I don't know.

You know what I mean?

It's like, you know, I don't know what that looks like

for you, you know, and, you know, it's, thank you.

And, you know, so for me, you know, I get to, you know,

stay open-minded and continue to have that evolve for me,

you know, and, you know, I love, you know,

that every time I, you know, get into reading the big book,

it's different all the time.

It's a new experience all the time.

And, you know, I might've read something last week

and I'll read the same thing again the next week

and it's totally different, you know,

and it's a magical, it's a magical thing, you know,

and life hasn't always been easy

and life hasn't, you know, always been fair.

There's been a lot of not fairs and, you know,

I'm just grateful I have tools.

Another thing that I've been, and I think it's

'cause I was talking to somebody,

it's always 'cause I'm like talking to people about stuff,

but like, I've been really into that freedom

from bondage story and I've been thinking a lot

about that two-week resentment thing,

a prayer that she talks about and I'm like, okay, you know,

that if I'm resentful at somebody, I pray for everything

I will want for myself for them to have and, you know,

and I really, you know, so you do it for two weeks

and if you don't feel better, you do it more, you do it,

you know, and eventually, and I did that actually

with my mom and eventually over time, it started to,

you know, dissipate the, you know, the anger

and the resentment and, you know, I think, you know,

what happens is when I continue to stay active,

I'm less resentful, I'm less judgy, you know,

I'm less gossipy, you know, believe me,

I could have gone my whole life not ever hearing that

and I can't unhear it, so don't tell me, you know,

so, you know, it's small spiritual roads, you know,

spirituality for you might mean, you know, not gossiping,

not talking badly about people, you know, you know,

and so, anyway, it's, you know, so I don't know,

I'm just grateful to be here and my dog said it was okay

for me to be out tonight, so, you know,

I'm happy about that and my friend, you know,

my friends, you know, I'll, you know,

take my dog out on a walk, I, you know,

I don't look at my, my phone's away and I, you know,

nobody exists when I'm out with my dog and everybody,

you know, from six to like seven on the weekdays,

that's, that's velvet's playtime, so yeah,

but dog spelled backwards is God, so anyway, you know,

if, if you're new, do as I say, not as I do, no, you know,

I don't, I don't know what the, what the, you know,

it's, it's, it's a combination of everything, you know,

unity service recovery, it's like a three,

it's like a three legged stool,

if one of those legs are gone, you're going down, right?

So unity service recovery, the circle is ongoing,

and with those three things and this continuous circle,

you know, then you can, you know, sit up with, you know,

respect and, you know, grace and, you know,

happiness and joyfulness and, you know, even through,

even through the ups and downs, you know,

and all the not fares in life and, you know,

as long as you, you keep the three sided triangle together,

then, you know, it works.

It works if you work it and it shows if you don't.

So I'll leave it at that, thank you.