Debra's Journey: From Louisiana Poverty to 23 Years Sober

- Hi, my name is Debra Pacheco and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm really glad to be here.

I'm really grateful that I'm sober.

I wanna thank Karen for coming in and for inviting me

to come out and share my experience,

strength and hope with you.

You know, I wanna thank Nancy, right?

Nancy for doing 10 minutes.

You know, that was really the meeting

that I came here for, you know.

I have a sobriety date, it's April the 19th, 2000.

My home group is the Bellflower Big Book Group.

We meet every night,

but the group itself meets on Monday night.

So if you're ever in the neck of the woods, give me a call

and we would love to have you.

We would love to have you.

My sponsor is Hilda F and I'm grateful for that.

Good thing about it is she knows she's my sponsor.

She's in Georgia right now.

However, she knows that I'm here with you guys.

I know there's no one identified that they were new,

but if you're sitting there and you are new

or are you getting ready to be new again, you know,

I wanna encourage you to just stay

and to welcome you if you're new.

I'm a little, I don't normally be sitting,

but we're gonna get through this.

I wanna say hello to the Zoom people.

It was really fun listening as you guys chat, you know,

so that was a interesting conversation, you know.

But you know, I'm sitting here

and I have some people looking at me.

Everybody on Zoom is looking at me, you know,

and I don't know, I don't know, you guys don't do this,

but this type of person that I am.

My home group has about 350 people in it.

And when the speaker goes to the podium,

now trust me, none of you guys do this.

This is just me, you know, I'm kinda, it's thank you.

How did you know?

You're on time.

No one else does this, only me.

When the speaker, you know, I'm 23 years sober

and I did this last week.

When the speaker goes to the podium, I look at the speaker.

The speaker has not even told me their name

and I start making up stuff in my head.

That's just me, nobody else does that.

I make up a whole story about the speaker before I hear it.

So I know no one else does that,

but I wanna let you know, if there's that one person

in the back that has done that,

maybe had that little quick thought.

Whatever you thinking about the woman you see sitting here,

you know, tonight, you need to lower down

a couple expectations because the woman you see

is not the woman that walked into alcohol and tsunami.

The woman you see today is a direct result of a loving God,

the 12 step and very strong sponsorship, you know?

And if we had someone here, next time you see Demetrius,

ask him if I'm telling the truth, you know?

Because he was in the room back when I walked in, you know?

Karen asked me to come here and share with you

in a general way what I was like,

what happened to me and what I'm like today.

I'm from Louisiana, I'm from a little small town

in Louisiana in the center of the boot.

You know, the population had, I don't know,

when I grew up, maybe I'm gonna give it to high end,

3000 people, you know?

Now I'm sitting with you guys and I'm telling you a story

that I found out since I've gotten sober,

there were eight siblings, you know?

And at some of these things, we tape it

and they've had the opportunity to hear the tape

and they're looking at me and they are convinced

that what I'm going to tell you tonight didn't happen, okay?

But I wanna tell you, those are the seven people,

they're not alcoholic, you know?

This is my story, my perception on what really went on.

When I grew up, I grew up, you know, it was eight of us

and I grew up and we were poor, you know?

And when I say we was poor, you know,

sometime I would run home from school

and the lights would be off, you know?

Because at my house, they didn't have any big bay windows

with the lights flowing through the window, you know?

What we had to do is to turn on the light to see.

And I would pull the string and turn on the light

and the light wouldn't come on and then I would look

and I would see extension cords running out of the window

over to the neighbor's house.

I grew up during the era of Barbie Dolls,

there are eight kids, you know,

my parents didn't have money for Barbie Dolls.

And what I used to do in Louisiana at that time,

corn was the crop, you know?

And corn grew, you know, corn comes on the cotton.

Maybe there's two people in this room that remember,

Coca Cola used to have a glass bottle.

And the glass bottle had an indentation in it.

And what I used to do is I used to run in the corn field

and I would get a stalk of corn and what I would do,

I'd come back, corn comes on the cob, you know?

And it had some silky stuff at the end.

And what I used to do is break the top of the corn carb off

and I would put it in the mouth of the bottle

and I would get some scrap material

and that would be my doll.

I know, sounds bad, but I'm 23 years

into Alcoholics Anonymous, I now own Barbie.

I got Barbie Black, I got Barbie White,

I have a Puerto Rican body, you know?

If you're new, I wanna tell you your wildest dream

or my wildest dream has come true, you know,

in the problem of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know?

I'm one of those kids, you know?

I guess you would say that I live up to my expectation.

I know some of you guys grew up going to Europe,

going to Cancun, going to London, you know?

I'm 16 years old and the only place I had ever gone

was from my parents' house in Louisiana

to my grandparents' house in Mississippi.

Those states are side by side.

But at 16 years old, I had the opportunity

to go away to a university with adults, you know?

And oh, I forgot to tell you guys where my first drink.

See, I forget because, you know,

if I knew I was gonna be the speaker

at the quality of life, when I took my first drink,

I would have said, oh, let me write this down.

This is my first drink.

I didn't aspire to be your speaker.

Okay, so I was maybe, you know, 15 years old.

I didn't know, I'm saying I was 15 years old.

I'm speaking tonight.

I'm gonna be 15 years old

when I took my very first drink of alcohol.

Sit in a lot of meetings and I know everybody, you know,

has their story on what happened that first drink.

What I remember about that drink was the bottle was green.

There were five of us girls

and the bottle was just going around, you know?

And my hair, you know, I drank from the bottle.

My hair didn't become blue.

My, you know, my hair, my eyes didn't become blue.

My hair didn't become blonde

and I didn't skip off the skid row.

But I tell you what I did get from drinking.

I remember when I did my inventory

and I look back on that day,

I remember I felt like I was a part of those five girls.

And when I look in hindsight, you know,

I realized that I was always seeking the feeling

of being a part of.

Today, I know I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I am a part of this thing, you know?

And that's the feeling that I had seeked all my life.

You know, but I'm 16 years old

and I go away to this university with these adults.

And at 16 years old, I remember I came home

and, you know, I remember I told my,

I had to tell my father that I was pregnant.

Now today, that wouldn't be a problem

'cause nobody would have to know.

But in those days, that was not something you could have.

And I remember I came home and I told my father that

and my father looked at me and told me

I had shamed the family, you know?

And that, you know, some 16 years old

and I remember my father telling me I had to get married.

And you know what I told him?

I told him, no, I don't want to do that.

I can clearly remember saying it, looking him in his eye.

So after the wedding, I have a husband I don't want to be.

You know, so I have this husband and, you know,

my then husband, you know, went to the military

and, you know, my mom, bless her soul,

kept my son for me to finish my education.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous

and you guys are talking about sponsorship.

You know, for an alcoholic of my type, I love sponsorship.

You know, I love sponsorship

because me love to my own devices.

I am a planner.

I have an A plan going, a B plan.

It is running fast in my head, you know?

But I was like that before I became alcoholic.

You know, I'm in college and, you know,

I'm thinking I'm getting ready to graduate.

And you know what the problem is, Karen?

It's that little small town.

You've only met me, what, 30 minutes.

You could tell.

Can you imagine me in a little town with 3000 people?

I'm like what Phil said.

You know, I'm on the road to success.

You know, I mean, 3000 people and me,

it's really that small town.

So my plan was I'm going to graduate from college.

My then husband is getting out of this service.

He had an aunt who lived there in California.

We're going to move to California.

We're going to get jobs.

We're going to get an apartment.

We're going to get a car, you know,

and our life is going to be wonderful.

And the way God had it planned,

it happened just like that.

We got a car, we got jobs, we got an apartment, you know,

and what happened for me is the big book

of Alcoholics Anonymous and you guys that tell me

that I can't call anybody an alcoholic.

Okay, I believe in the big book.

I meet this man and this man, you know,

he was my boss and he was on the road to success, you know,

but this guy, he's not an alcoholic,

but he was a heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy,

heavy, heavy drinker.

You know, and you know, when I look back in my life

and I look at this period of time,

I am all over Bill's story.

You know, he would get promoted

and he would take me with him.

You know, when they talk about feeling like you had arrived,

I feel like I had arrived.

I am drinking cognac with my pinky fingers out.

I'm hanging out at places like Bobby McGee's

and Kawhi Cannon and the Hop.

You know, Bill talks about sitting at the bar

talking about, and I paraphrase,

talking in millions or chattering or something,

it's something chattering in a million

and talking in thousands.

That's the, when I read that,

it took me right back to this period of time.

You know, I was having a really super great time.

Doing that, you know, so I'm doing that

and during this period of time,

there's only one other person or maybe it's just me.

During this period of time, they used to give us a check,

but you don't know anything about this.

But they used to give you a paper check in an envelope.

You know, I'm telling you how old I am,

guess I am that old, you know.

But they would give us the paper check

and during that period of time at my then husband,

you know, I was the banker in the house

and Karen, I have his check and I have my check

and I'm looking at the check and guess what?

I make $2 more than here, $2.

Here's the king alcoholic mind.

The king alcoholic mind say, why you with him?

You make more money than he do.

When I took him, came to you guys and I took him into her,

I realized he was the first thing

that I sacrificed for my drinking.

He was a good man then, he is a good man today,

but king alcohol said he had to go.

So he was the first thing that I was sacrificing.

You know, I know we're in the meeting

of Alcoholics Anonymous and I believe

in the singleness of purpose.

However, so I'm gonna state this

and you can put it in with the rest of my story, you know.

So I meet this woman, she was a hair stylist

and she introduced me to cocaine

and I began to enhance my drinking with cocaine.

You know, and I remember, you know,

I came home from wherever I was coming from one day,

remember that kid?

That kid is now 16 years old, standing six two, you know,

and I remember he was just stuffing his clothes

in a duckle bag and I remember asking him,

where are you going?

And he looked at me and he told me,

I am going to live with my aunt and uncle

in Washington state.

Now any good mother, any good mother would have known

right at that point that there was something desperately

wrong, you know, but he left, you know,

and my king alcoholic mind shortly afterwards said,

why do you have to work?

Wherever you lay your hat can become your home.

When I started this journey to sit at this table

to talk to you guys, I had a condominium and Cerritos.

I went from a condominium and Cerritos

to a cardboard box in the Wilmington junkyard.

I'm the type of alcoholic woman without you,

I'll sell me, I'll sell you.

When my sponsor opened the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous

and read words to me like incomprehensible demoralization,

I didn't look at her and say, what do you mean?

I knew exactly what you mean, you know?

So I'm living like I was living, you know,

my alcoholic life, you know, had become normal.

I could not differentiate the truth from the false, you know?

I'm living like that, and you would think that I would,

you know, 'cause I hear you guys say

that you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You would think that I knew that something was wrong.

There was no hole in my gut that I can acknowledge.

But when you're living like I was living

and you were doing the type of things that I was doing,

society frowns up on you.

And on that particular day,

no different from any other day in my life,

the Harvard Police picked me up and took me to jail.

Now, I don't know about anybody else,

but my experience is, you know,

it wasn't the first time I'd been to jail,

but you do crime, you do a little time.

And like I told you,

some of you guys went to Europe and Cancun.

I'm in the Wilmington junkyard.

So going to Mar-a-loma, a silver brand

was like a little brick, you know?

So I'm there, I particularly like Mar-a-loma

'cause you can see the snow-capped mountain.

But, and they had cute jackets too.

Yeah, you know, but now I'm in jail

and I walked into a place that they called the Twin Towers

and I hope that I was looking for something to knock on.

But yeah, they took me to this place

they called the Twin Towers

and I hope to never go back there again.

And when I get to jail, I look around all my friends

and all my air quote friends are in jail, you know?

And I was like, they were like,

"Hey girl, how you doing?"

You know?

So I'm in jail and oh, by the way,

for those of you don't know me, I'm a big conspiracy person

too, you know, in my mind.

Remember I told you how my mind worked?

I can make a conspiracy out of this room

if I stare at you too long, you know?

That's just who I am, you know?

Man, people that know me, they already like,

"Oh there, go down bro," you know, but whatever.

Okay, we're gonna try not to make a conspiracy.

But you know, so I'm in jail and you know,

I'm thinking that really, they put me in a pod, in a cell

that had none of my friends.

And of course they did that on purpose.

They know Debra's coming to jail.

Let's separate her from her friends, you know?

So I'm in jail and today I know I had an obsession.

I didn't know it then.

I didn't know about the four horsemen when I went to jail.

All I knew is that I could not go to sleep, you know?

That's all I knew, you know?

So I'm going through this and what happened for me

was that the thought occurred.

The thought occurred to me one night, "Why don't you pray?"

Now I don't know where God had been,

but he was not on Debra's mind, you know?

But so I'm like, "Hmm."

So I got down on my knees in jail, you know,

and humbled myself 'cause you know, your roommate is,

well, your cellmate is looking right at you.

And I asked God, "Please help me sleep."

That was my prayer.

I jumped up in top bunk and when I woke up the next day,

I was aware that I had slept soundly.

Good alcoholic.

Oh, it worked last night, I'm gonna do it again.

Yeah, so I began to pray, you know?

Not no big, long prayer, just help me sleep, you know?

And what happened for me was a series of what I thought

for a very long time were coincidences.

What I know today was it was God doing more for me

than I could do for myself beginning to occur, you know?

Besides being, I also have a problem with,

it's not that bad anymore, but I used to have a problem.

No, I still have a problem with control, you know?

(all laughing)

Yeah, but it's better, it's better, I promise you.

It is a lot better, 'cause, you know.

So in jail, every single day, here goes my conspiracy,

every single day the jailer would put the television

on the program that I hated the most.

And of course, they're doing that just to aggravate me.

That's why it's on that channel, 'cause I told them

in no uncertain terms that I don't like that channel,

you know, but they kept it on the channel.

And I guess one of my fellow inmates, you know,

was tired of me repeating it over and over,

and, you know, them telling my conspiracy theory

to everyone.

So she said, "You know what, Deborah?

You know, if you go to this relapse prevention class,

they'll give you a paperback novel."

And I'm like, "Okay."

So I go to this relapse prevention class,

and of course they did give me the paperback novel,

and I began to read.

Over the intercom comes an announcement.

It says AA, H and I.

Now I've been very, I don't know why this happened to me.

It doesn't make me a better AA member or anything special,

you know, but I've been able to stay

in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous from my first day.

This is my first journey.

However, I'm under no illusion that I can't drink,

'cause I can.

But, you know, over the intercom comes AA, H and I.

I have no idea what AA is or H and I, you know.

But the buzz is, if you go to AA, H and I,

they'll let you out of the cell.

So remember, my friends are all in different pods.

So we're passing notes that we're gonna meet

at the AA, H and I, and we're gonna have girls' night out.

So we all go to the AA, H and I,

and I'm sitting on the back row,

'cause I'm a back row type of girl,

and we're trying to do our girls' night out

with the guards going around and everything.

And then up at the front of the room, there's a woman.

And this woman, her name is Jaz.

And I'm looking for Jaz,

'cause Jaz had the prettiest white teeth.

Her hair was just black and silky.

She was no more than 30 or 35.

And Jaz had the prettiest chocolate skin I've ever seen.

And Jaz is up at the front of the room

saying she don't drink.

And when Jaz said she didn't drink,

my ears perked up like my little dog does

when I say snack, you know?

And I'm looking at Jaz and I'm like, she don't drink.

What do you mean she don't drink?

Everybody, can you imagine?

Everybody drinks, you know?

So I'm pondering this question in my head, looking at Jaz.

So I decided if Jaz didn't drink, big if,

if she didn't drink,

she had to be smoking some good weed with that Pepsi.

Today, I know she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

carrying the mask.

I'm in jail.

Everybody should have a him or her or it

or somebody in their story.

You know, I have this guy, he was in prison.

I'm not here to tell you his story.

However, he's the type of guy, other than the fact,

let me tell you, I'm married to this guy now.

So that part is kind of important

'cause sometimes people ask me, you know?

But he was in prison, you know,

and he had a really good job before he went to prison.

I mean, a really good job, you know?

And of course he was the type of guy

that did not want me to be self-supporting

through my own contribution and the manner

in which I had become accustomed to while he was in jail.

So I needed somewhere to stay, you know,

until he gets his good job back.

That's my plan, not to get sober.

You know, that's the plan.

So he's out of jail.

He's out of prison, he's got to jump through some hoops

to get this job back.

I need somewhere to stay.

And at this relapse prevention class,

they gave me a list of recovery homes.

It is three weeks before my release.

I had been in jail a little while.

Mail was going very, very, very slow, but I'm in jail.

I don't have anything else to do

besides I have stamps and paper, you know?

So I wrote a couple of recovery homes

and in a matter of three weeks,

I wrote a letter and I received a letter back, you know?

I received a letter from this recovery home

and I got out of jail on that Saturday

and that Saturday, you know, he picked me up

and he took me to this fleabag motel

because he has to go back to this halfway house, you know?

And before he gets to Figueroa, I'm already outside.

And on the side of this fleabag motel is a liquor store,

the kind that has the flashing lights

that say liquor, liquor, liquor, liquor.

And it looked like it was saying,

Deborah, Deborah, Deborah, Deborah.

And I walked in that liquor store

and I go to the liquor fridge and by now,

I'm not drinking cognac.

I'm not looking at my Francisco

and I'm saying, what's it gonna be?

It's gonna be cherry, it's gonna be strawberry,

it's gonna be great.

And when I left out that liquor store,

what I had was a brownie, a Pepsi, and a bag of chips.

That was God doing more for me than I could do for myself.

That Monday, they took me to my very first meeting

of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It was a participation meeting

and a man shared something that I, you know,

shared something that I had never read in the big book.

And by the way, I've read the whole big book.

You know, I mean, the whole big book,

you know, my sponsor Tuesday meeting, you know,

and I've never read in the big book.

However, it's come true in my life.

He says, you can't stop your life from getting better.

And I don't know what about that.

You know, I don't know what content he said it in.

I just remember that part.

And I remember I wrote it on a Post-it note, you know.

I'm at this recovery home and I still have not,

I have not connected alcohol with my, with where I'm at.

I have not made that connection.

I'm at that recovery home,

just waiting till he get his job back.

And then it's like, see ya.

I'm at this recovery home.

And one thing they had at this recovery home

that if you didn't have a sponsor, you couldn't go on past.

You know, so every week, one week is nasty,

one week is scary, the next week, every week,

I had a name and a number 'cause I am going on past.

And I remember you guys came to us

and you have a panel and you sitting there

and I'm sitting on the back row

'cause I'm a back row type of girl.

And you sharing your experience, strength and hope.

And I'm really not listening

because I have not made the connection.

But the house manager of that house,

he's on the outside of the door and she's making a motion.

And I know the rule, I'm good.

I can do structure,

which is probably why I like my big book,

like my home group.

I know how to sit in my seat and not make noise.

I know how not to get up.

I know how to go to bathroom before I come to the meeting.

You know, so she's making a motion

and I'm looking to see who she's talking to

and she's keep motioning

because the panel people are talking.

You know, and if I get up and get out of my seat,

then I'm not gonna be able to go on past.

And she keep making these motions outside the door

and it gets my better judgment, I did this.

And she says, "Yes, remember I'm a conspiracy person."

Now she's setting me up

'cause if I get up and go see what she want,

then I'm not gonna be able to go on past.

But she keep motioning.

So I guess my better judgment,

I followed her as I go out, see what she want.

She looked me in the eye and she said,

"Debra, are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober?"

This is the lady that controls my past.

It doesn't take a genius to answer that.

I gave her the answer she wanted to hear.

I told her yes.

You know, she says, "When this meeting is over,

she assigned me my first sponsor.

I didn't get the privilege of picking a sponsor.

She assigned this woman to me."

And what she said to me, "When this meeting is over,

you ask this woman to be your sponsor."

And I said, "Okay."

The meeting was over.

We did the Lord's prayer, da da da da da da.

And I see this woman, the manager,

house manager is watching me so I didn't have a choice.

I walked up to this woman.

I say, "Will you sponsor me?"

She took out a piece of paper.

She wrote her name on the paper.

She wrote, "Read the doctor's opinion."

She wrote her telephone numbers.

She flipped the page over.

She wrote, "Call me every day."

She put some squiggly marks on the every.

She had long braids.

She flipped the braids and walked off.

I looked at her and I said, "I don't even like that.

You can fill in the blank."

Now, you know, I always tell the newcomer,

when somebody tell you to call you, call them.

First of all, you just talk to them three minutes.

Call and say what?

You know what? Call, call you.

I just let you call you.

In those days, I'm dating myself again.

I had to actually put money in the telephone, you know,

to call.

Now everybody had a cell phone on your hip, just call.

But I told him to come.

If someone say call them and you don't know what to say,

'cause you just talked to them three minutes,

call them tomorrow and say.

When they say hello, say, "You told me to call you."

That's exactly what I said to her.

My journey into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous began.

This woman would show up every Saturday.

Yeah, for fun and for free.

Total words, I don't have that, like for fun and for free.

Like who does anything for free?

But anyway, she would show up for fun and for free.

And she walked me through the big book

of Alcoholics Anonymous.

She was the very first person that I had ever met

that I knew had lived like I had lived.

She had done the type of things that I had done.

And I could clearly see she wasn't living

and doing those type of things anymore.

And that sounds so poetic.

I know you guys waiting for me to say I came to believe,

but I really didn't.

You know, what happened for me was

I didn't believe one single thing she said, I really didn't.

But God gave me the willingness.

And really I say it was willingness,

but this is really what I was thinking.

I'm gonna do everything she tell me to do.

And when this doesn't work,

I'm gonna let her know, you told me to do this now.

Okay, so saying it was willingness has just been nice,

but that's what happened.

You know, I began to follow, you know, her direction.

You know, and then she wants to talk about stuff

like inventories.

I'm like inventories, resemblance.

I don't have any resemblance.

I'm from a doggy dog world.

You do me, I'mma do you.

What goes around comes around.

No harm, no foul.

And she said, I'll tell you what Deborah,

everybody you're not gonna kiss

when they come through the door.

Let's write their name down.

And I got to about the fifth name

and I realized that I'm pretty angry

and that I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear

and I'm self seeking, yeah, and delusion.

And I write this inventory,

I write this inventory down and, you know,

I read this inventory too hard

and I just got the five minutes

and I'm gonna get to six and seven and I did 89,

but I'm gonna tell you something about six and seven.

The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous

has two little paragraphs.

I mean, it goes quick.

And I thought I had done that, you know,

and at 16 years of sobriety, I hit a wall.

I'm calling it a wall.

You know, next week I might call it.

I don't know what happened to tell you the truth.

I am in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I am sponsoring women.

I am going to meetings.

I'm reading the book.

I am doing everything.

And what happened for me is my conspiracy,

it was a day there was 350 people in my home group,

you know, and it's all about they and them.

So I started talking about to this old timer woman

and, you know, I'm like,

I'm gonna leave Bellflower and I'm gonna go to CLB.

The next week is now I'm gonna leave Bellflower

and I'm going to PG.

Yeah, and I'm going, you know,

and we have this old timer.

Some of you guys might've heard his name before,

Johnny Harris.

One night I'm sitting standing in the middle of the floor,

you know, and he walks past me and he say,

"Deb, don't let them run you out of here."

And then that made it true in my head.

Yeah, yeah, and during this course of the time,

the secretary of the group made the fatal mistake

'cause it's all his fault.

He say, "Debra, would you do 10 minutes?"

I get to the podium, it's 350 people.

I'm sharing and I thought,

I felt that the 350 people in the room need to know,

I hate everybody in this room.

Can't believe I did that.

Yes, I did.

And of course we have a 10 minute break

and here you guys come.

Yes, all the time I had moved up to San Clarita

and I'm talking to her, you know,

and she suggested that I talk to my now sponsor Hilda.

And I talked to Hilda and Hilda told me to call her

and she launched me off on a course of vigorous action.

And I remember I did a new fourth step with her

and we went over it and I remember feeling really good.

And then when I got home, the next day,

I realized Hilda is not a part of the Balfour group.

So she couldn't be a part of the conspiracy.

'Cause remember, I hate everybody,

but she's not a part of the group.

And she gave me a list of all these character defects I had.

And I remember looking at her the next day

because I'm 16, I'm 16 years sober.

Here's an outsider just based upon my inventory

has come up with all these defects of character.

And I looked at that and I was devastated.

I began to cry.

You guys didn't tell me I was gonna be perfect at 16.

I don't know where I got that from,

but if I'm honest, I couldn't believe it.

And I remember calling Hilda crying

and telling her how could it possibly be

that I have so many defects of character at 16.

And then Hilda is like, "Well, mate,

"the good thing about it is now you know you have them."

(laughing)

I know somebody was thinking, but did the defects go away?

No, they did not go away.

I have them locked away in a file cabinet

with a big old chain and a key on it.

But every once in a while, one of them slip out.

Yeah, yeah.

So I have that going on.

My life today is, Alcoholics Anonymous is my life.

It's my life.

I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous

and it is first in my life.

It has not always been rosy.

My son has been shot.

My first grandson had an aneurysm.

My dad has died and I've had some health challenges

of my own, but I've watched your example

and I just suit up and show up no matter what.

And what I've learned from that by doing that,

and if you're new or coming back,

if you just do some things you don't believe in,

like pick up these chairs,

go pick up John with the little,

when your red light is on in your car

and he's about to run out of fuel,

if you're really willing to follow some directions

that make no sense whatsoever,

you can't stop your life from getting better.

Thank you.