Tara's Journey: From Perfectionism and Pain to AA Fellowship

- Hi everyone, my name is Tara Thory and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi Tara.

- I wanna thank Karen for asking me to come out

and share tonight.

It's an honor and a privilege to get asked

to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous

and I'm really grateful to be here

and thank you Alex for 10 minutes.

I have the same story as Alex.

I repeat a little bit of it, even the crack helps.

But my sobriety date is April 18th of 1994

and my home group is the Belsour Big Book Group.

I have a sponsor and I'm so grateful for those three things.

I love AA and just feel like, just so lucky.

You know, there are people that will die drunk tonight

that will never find AA, but here we are sober

and I'm just so grateful for that fact alone.

So if you're new, there are some new friends.

I wanna welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I hope you stay and you find what we found here

and I'll share a little bit more about that in a while.

But I think one of the most important things I can say,

I heard it, you know, on my first day of sobriety,

I showed up on the doorstep of an indigent detox.

It was called Casa del Cerro in Capra Beach, California.

And this big man answered the door

and he looked at me and saw me.

You know, I was tore up from the floor up.

And he asked if he could give me a hug

and he gave me a hug and he said, "Welcome."

He said, "We're gonna introduce you to Alcoholics Anonymous

and Alcoholics Anonymous works."

And Alcoholics Anonymous works, you know?

And I had no idea that that was gonna be

the most important day of my life

and the luckiest day of my life, but it was.

So my job is to share in a general way

about what I used to be like, what happened

and what I'm like now.

And I grew up, I'm from California.

I grew up in Anaheim.

I was raised by good parents.

My parents were married for 42 years.

My dad was an engineer.

My mom was a stay-at-home mom most of my childhood.

And you know, they had good morals and values.

We went to church on Sunday.

Father Seamus came to our house on Sunday nights for dinner.

You know, I was involved in the kids' choir,

all these ministries at church.

We were very, you know, service-oriented.

And if the love and, you know,

if the love of my parents could have kept me sober

and prevented me from being alcoholic,

I wouldn't be here with you.

You know, but on the outside, everything looked good.

But on the inside, I was uncomfortable.

As far back as I can remember, just uncomfortable,

anxious, nervous, afraid.

I was a nail biter.

I'm still a nail biter.

I haven't been able to break that.

But I just was really uncomfortable.

And the way I reacted to life

before I even took a drink was different.

You know, I remember in the fourth grade,

I invited all these girls to our condo in Palm Springs

for spring break.

And we didn't even have a condo in Palm Springs.

You know, I was a liar before I was a drinker.

You know, I wanted to be the girl

that could invite all these girls to her place.

And I kept that lie going to the very end.

And around that time, my best friend came to school.

She broke her leg.

She had a cast on her leg.

Everyone was signing it and giving her attention.

I got jealous.

And I went home that night, started hammering my ankle

so I could break my ankle, get a cast,

and get attention to them.

You know, that's like not a normal reaction to jealousy.

But that's me, you know, without any tools.

And, you know, I would pull out big chunks of hair

and braid it and wear it like a bracelet.

Like I was just uncomfortable.

But on the outside, I've always been a person

that can just, you know, dress well

and put a smile on my face

and pretend like everything's fine.

You know, and I had to be careful about that

when I got sober because I could be smiling

with you tonight.

And if I'm not being honest,

I could be drunk on the way home.

You know, that's the way this alcoholic girl is.

But so, you know, I was really uncomfortable.

And I don't know, I was one of those kids

that wanted to be the best at everything.

You know, I wanted to have a 4.0

and be the captain of the cheer team

and the fastest on the track team

and the girl with the most Girl Scout badges.

It like goes on and on and on.

And during the pandemic, I read AA literature,

kind of reread some of it.

And in AA Comes of Age, Bill wrote about that.

He wrote how he had to be president of his club,

top of his class, just to fill that spiritual melody

that he had, you know, just to feel comfortable.

And I identify with that.

It's like, I wanted to be the best

just to feel comfortable and equal to you,

but that didn't do it.

You know, that's not it.

My solution has been an alcoholic synonymous.

And, you know, like Alex,

I started drinking in middle school.

I was a good girl, you know,

honor roll, ASB track team, cheerleader,

all those things that good girls do.

And I met this boy and he was the class clown,

the kid that was always in the principal's office.

I always loved the bad boys, you know,

and he invited me to meet him at a donut store before school.

My dad dropped me off.

It was right across from our middle school

and him and three boys met me there

and they had a maroon backpack full of liquor.

And we walked behind that donut store and sat by a dumpster

and I took my first drink

and it was 80 proof peppermint schnapps.

And I loved it.

I love the effect produced by alcohol, you know,

and I know it was 80 proof peppermint schnapps

because that became my drink of choice.

'Cause I knew it would get me there, you know.

I don't remember feeling prettier then or better then.

I just was comfortable for the first time in my life,

you know, and I started drinking whenever I could.

I'd meet these boys before school and, you know,

like go to someone's house on minimum day

whose parents were working and we drink.

And I started sneaking out of the house

and going to high school keg parties with older boys.

And I love everything about drinking.

I love the keg, I love the beer bongs,

I love the drinking games.

I just love, you know, just drinking

so that I'm just lying on the floor smiling, unable to move.

You know, I just, I love it.

And in my household, you know,

the expectation was to get good grades and go to college.

And within a very short period of time after my drinking,

I was no longer getting good grades.

And my parents sent me

to an all girls Catholic high school

'cause they thought it would fix me.

And I went there and for the first,

that's the first time I remember thinking,

I'm gonna stop partying.

I'm gonna stop hanging out with these boys.

I'm gonna go to this school and get good grades,

you know, and go to college.

And the tradition at that school is they paired up

a senior girl with a freshmen girl,

and she's your big sister, you know,

and I got paired up with a girl that was just like me.

She loved drinking beer, she loved smoking pot,

she loved, you know, Janice Joplin, Led Zeppelin,

you know, the Grateful Dead.

And so we'd meet at Acacia Park in Fullerton before school.

And I, you know, unbuttoned my Catholic school brochure,

tie it off, roll up that skirt,

and we split a 40 ounce of beer and go to class

and sneak off campus sometimes and smoke some pot.

And I'm in high school

and going to all those high school keg parties

and just loving it.

And what happened for me is I got tired of living

by my parents' rules.

You know, they'd give me some kind of curfew

and I'd be, you know, out at a different party

with different people than I'd left home with.

And I think, okay, I have an hour before curfew.

I'm gonna have one more drink and then get a ride home.

And it's 30 minutes.

Okay, one more drink and get a ride home.

Then it's two hours after curfew,

I think I'll just go home tomorrow.

You know, because I, that's how I drink.

If I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna drink all night long.

That's the kind of alcoholic I am.

And I didn't care about my mom

who was praying her rosary beads,

wondering where her daughter was.

I'm selfish, I'm self-centered, I'm self-seeking.

Alcohol very quickly became the most important thing

in my life.

And so like Alex, you know, I started to run away

and at first it was okay.

My friends would sneak me into their homes at night

when their parents went to sleep.

But the way I drink, you know, I do scandalous things

and I just rip through those friendships.

And I found myself, you know, just homeless and a runaway.

And I met this guy and he was a crystal meth dealer.

And his dad was a real estate broker.

And he had this list of homes that were for sale

and he could figure out which ones people weren't living in.

And so we'd break into a different home, you know,

every night or every few nights and have a place to sleep.

And in the morning, we'd sneak out super early

and he'd say, let's go do Tara's beer run

because I needed my booze, you know,

and I'd go into a different grocery store in Orange County

with this cute little canvas green piece tote bag.

And I'd steal my bottle of Jaegermeister, my bottle of tequila

and I'd drink all day long while they skateboarded

or did whatever they were doing.

And at night we drive around nice neighborhoods

and look for garages that were open

and break into people's homes

and steal stuff from their garages to pawn off at pawn shops

for more drugs for them and more booze for me.

And I didn't know people lived like that.

I never would have thought of that.

But when it comes down to it, I needed to drink

and that was what mattered most, you know.

And I ended up getting caught urinating in public

in a Taco Bell drive-through in Anaheim Hills, California.

And that's the suburbs and they do not like that there.

And I was so drunk I gave the police officer my real name

and I had been a missing runaway for like six months

and he took me to a psychiatric ward.

And that was my first psychiatric ward stay

and the first time I was introduced to AA.

And I think I was 16 years old.

You know, I remember an H&I panel coming in

and hearing women share about losing their kids,

their homes and their cars.

I could not identify with that.

I thought, I'm not like you.

I'm not, this AA thing is not for me.

And, you know, I spent Christmas there and just was a mess.

And, you know, one more time my mom came to that psych ward

and she had figured out a way for me

to graduate with my class, you know,

to take a few extra like classes during the summer.

And I thought, okay, I'm gonna get out of here.

I'm gonna take those classes.

I'm gonna graduate with my class and go to college.

And, you know, I mean, I don't even know how many days.

Within a week after leaving there, you know,

I was at the grocery store and I saw some people

who liked to drink like I did and I was gone again.

And I would be in and out of my parents' life

for the next three years.

And I would show up on their doorstep just tore up,

you know, and at first they let me in,

give me a place to sleep, give me some food, let me shower,

give me a few bucks and I'd make all those promises.

You know, I'm gonna get my GED.

I'll be here when you get home, you know,

and then I'd be gone again.

And, you know, I don't know, I met this group of people.

They liked the Grateful Dead.

So they invited me to go to a dead show in Vegas.

And I started following this band

that I didn't even really love.

You know, and I love the parking lot

of a Grateful Dead show, like a psychedelic swamp meet.

Anything you wanted was there.

It was like people selling Gagermeister shots

and kite beer and bud and, you know,

falafel and all kinds of crazy things.

And no one there knew me, you know,

no one has given me that look.

And so I started hitchhiking to see this band

and my alcoholism really took off.

You know, I would, from the time that I'd wake up

till the time I'd pass out,

I would just be drinking all day long.

And I remember one time I was at this Jerry Garcia band show

and I could see the Seattle Space Needle

from the parking lot.

And I would come to find out I had two seizures that day

and was just a mess.

And the next memory I have is waking up with strangers,

you know, and I went to the liquor store

and found out I was in Eugene, Oregon.

I didn't remember anything between Seattle and Eugene.

And I just remember being afraid.

And I called Home Collect and my dad answered

and he said, "Don't call us anymore.

"We're not your family, we want nothing to do with you."

And he hung up on me.

My mom had found Al-Anon, thank goodness.

You know, thank goodness.

And, but I thought, "Geez, that's harsh."

You know, but I had not been a good daughter.

You know, the police were showing up at my home

looking for me.

It was embarrassing to my parents.

I had stolen jewelry that my dead grandmother

had left my mom and pawned it off at a pawn shop

for another drink.

And I share that when I speak

and I am not proud of that at all, but it just became,

you know, I just was willing to do anything

for another drink.

I didn't care who I hurt or anything.

If you were in my way, you had to get out of the way.

And so I kept, you know, following the dead

and I ended up at this show in Northern California.

And we would walk around in front of the show

with our finger in the air, kind of pacing

in front of the ticket entrance and ask for a miracle,

which was a free ticket into the show.

And I got a free ticket in Mountain View, California

and I had been partying all day long.

And I remember sitting there and I was so wasted,

I couldn't even enjoy the show.

And the next day, we're driving down the California coast

in this West Valley van with this nice couple.

And everyone's just fired up about the show.

They're talking about how great the show was

and laughing.

And this song by Blind Faith came on the radio,

"Can't Find My Way Home."

And I remember looking out the window and just crying.

And I just felt like my life could not get any lower.

And that was August of 1993.

And from August of '93 to April of '94,

every single day I would try to stop drinking and fail.

You know, I'd wake up and think, okay, today,

I'm gonna put out some job applications.

I'm gonna get a job.

Okay, today, I'm gonna figure out how to take my GED.

Today, I'm gonna call my parents and see how they're doing.

And I'd be drunk by 10 or 11 o'clock, I'd be drinking.

You know, I just, and I'm grateful I had that experience.

I'm grateful that I know that I'm powerless over alcohol

because I really learned it then.

And I ended up during that period of time,

I met this guy and for whatever reason, he was dating me.

I don't know if there was something wrong with him.

He was alcoholic too.

But I met him and his brother was a sober member

of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And every time his brother Tony saw me,

he smiled and shared about the good life AA

and God had given him.

And he was a great example of this program.

He was an attraction, he wasn't promoting it.

And so his brother, who I had been dating one time,

told me he was gonna get sober.

And I thought it was a good idea for him, you know?

And he said, well, what about you?

You're worse than I am.

I said, oh, no, no, you know, I've been to AA.

I had been in two psychiatric wards,

like a detox center and adolescent rehab.

And I said, I don't have a problem with alcohol.

And he said, well, I can't be with you

if you're not gonna be sober.

And so I wished him well.

You know, I said, maybe our paths would cross again.

And I went back to this house

I'd been staying in, a crack house.

You know, boarded up with signs saying, do not enter.

I've never even done crack, but that's where I was.

And you know, and I, again, for the next few weeks,

I tried to stop drinking and fail.

And so on April 17th of 1994,

one more time I found myself drunk.

I fell down some stairs in that house

'cause there wasn't electricity and it was that night.

And I just had to lay at the foot of those stairs all night

'cause I was too injured to get up.

And I just, I don't know what happened,

but I know the next morning I woke up

and I knew that I had a problem

and it might be because of alcohol.

And I went into the restroom.

I looked in the mirror.

I couldn't believe what was looking back at me.

I come to find out I was 84 pounds.

I would still be dirty.

I had dreadlocks, you know, I,

and on the inside, I was just so hopeless.

I was anxious.

I was afraid of all those things

that alcohol originally took away, you know?

And I remember walking to the liquor store

and I called Home Collect

and my dad said they couldn't help me

and he wished me luck, you know?

And then I called that guy, Tony, who was sober in AA.

And he's the one that told me about that state funded detox.

And so I called over there and this man answered the phone

and he said, you know, we have one bed available,

but someone already called.

So whichever one of you gets here first gets the bed.

And I took the bus down there and I got the bed, you know?

And it's so funny, I'm a GSR

and I was at a GSR board meeting recently

and I talked to a gentleman

who used to volunteer at that detox.

And I said, oh my gosh, you know,

I got so lucky I got the bed.

He said, oh, we told everybody that, you know,

but I didn't care.

I got that bed and I detoxed there for 10 days

and I don't remember a lot about it.

I will tell you that I do remember

being able to take a shower

and just feeling like the luckiest person.

And just being able to get under clean sheets,

you know, it was a big deal.

And this woman that was on an H&I panel from that,

at that place came back a few nights later

and she remembered my name and smiled and gave me a hug

and said she was happy to see me.

And that had a big impact on me

'cause no one had been happy to see me for a long time.

You know, I think probably six to eight weeks

before I got sober,

I showed up on my parents' doorstep, you know,

early in the morning

and they had built a courtyard with a wrought iron gate

with the key so they could lock me out.

And I remember my dad backed out of the driveway

and he looked at me and he said,

"Tara, get out of here.

Get your S-H-I-T and get out of here.

Your mom sees you like this, it's gonna destroy her."

You know, so even my parents just were like,

just get out of here, you know?

And this woman was so nice that I met at that place.

And I had to leave after 10 days and I had nowhere to go.

And so I was gonna go back to that crack house

and I took the bus

and I had to get off in Irvine to transfer.

And I knew that if I went back to that place,

I wasn't gonna stay sober.

And I sat on this little grassy hill

waiting to transfer onto another bus.

And I don't know exactly what I said,

but I think I reached out to my higher power.

And I thought someone had mentioned going to meetings

at an Alano Club.

And so I went to the payphone

and called the Garden Grove Alano Club.

And they said, "Come on down, we have meetings all day."

And I took the bus down there and I stayed sober.

And this nice couple in AA

let me stay at their house for a few nights.

And then I went into another program and sober living

and sober living is where we were told

we had to find a 12 step program.

If you're an addict, you go to NA.

If you're an alcoholic, you go to AA.

And I'm an alcoholic, so I went to AA.

And I'm gonna tell you that those of you that are new,

I don't know if you were having this experience,

but when I was new,

the obsession to drink did not leave me immediately.

It was like, I wanted to drink more than anything.

I drank, you know, it makes me emotional.

I drank just to feel comfortable in the morning,

to have a good time, to drink away the guilt,

the shame, the remorse of all the things that I had done

up until that point.

And so getting sober and sitting in these rooms

was very hard.

It was like, I was just barely hanging on.

And one morning at the Saturday morning women's meeting,

this woman shared that because she had worked the 12 steps

and because she had a power greater than herself in her life

the obsession to drink had been removed from her.

And I heard that and I really wanted that.

I asked her to sponsor me.

And fortunately I asked a woman

who was a very strong member of Alcoholics Anonymous,

you know, and she started telling me

all these things I was gonna do.

You're gonna call me at 6 a.m.

Getting out the directory,

circling all these meetings I was gonna go to

and you're gonna get commitments at these meetings.

And she kept talking and I kind of got hung up

on that 6 a.m. thing, you know, and she was quiet.

And I said, okay, all that fine except 6 a.m.

I'm not an early riser.

And this nice lady got really mean with me.

And she's like, you'll call me at 6 a.m.

or find somebody else to sponsor you.

And she walked away.

And so I called her at 6 a.m.

You know, and she'd say, have you dropped your knees

and thank your God for another day of life

and another day of sobriety?

And I'd say no.

And she'd say, well, why don't you do that and call me back?

And after a few months of her telling me

to do that every single day, you know,

I did it one day before I called

and then she was just giving some other direction.

But that woman saved my life.

You know, we would meet twice a week

before two of our meetings and we'd sit in her car

and we would read the book Alcoholics Anonymous

and the 12 and 12, and we'd read it, you know,

word for word, line by line.

And at the end of each page,

we'd talk about what stood out to her

and what stood out to me.

And I'm so grateful for that because I was a mess.

That wouldn't have made any sense to me, a lot of it,

you know, and I got commitments at my, all my meetings.

You know, I used to be this, I was brand new

and like had to wear a dress and nylons and like high heels.

She made me do all these things.

And at this like speaker meeting in Newport Beach

and she'd say, you know, why don't you smile

and shake people's hands and ask them how they are.

And I thought, I don't care how they are, you know,

like you're making me wear this clown suit.

And, but I didn't want to tell her that.

So I would just smile and ask you how you were.

And she'd say, you know, at the end of the meeting,

she said, do you remember anyone's name

that you met tonight?

I'd say, yeah.

She said, okay, why don't you start a journal

when you go home, write a few characteristics

of that person down in their name.

And then next week when you see them say,

hi, John, nice to see you, you know?

And then it became like, did anyone share something

about what's going on in their life?

And I'd say, yeah, she said, okay,

well, why don't you call them on Monday or Tuesday

and ask them how they are.

And she started to teach me how to care about new

and to not think about myself.

And, you know, I, even though I was sober,

I still had all those defects of character,

just because you're sober doesn't mean you're great.

You know, and I got fired from my first job

for stealing office supplies, you know,

and 'cause I'm a thief, I'm a taker.

That's who I am.

And, and I had told everybody there that I was sober in AA.

I didn't know about anonymity, you know,

and I knew what a bad example I was.

And my sponsor taught me, you know,

you're gonna use office supplies in the office.

And if you want office supplies at home,

you need to buy 'em, you know,

and that's basic stuff you should know.

But I was a taker and I had a lot of defects of character,

but I started taking the steps with her.

And I, you know, I'm a person, I went to two meetings,

you know, a day for probably 18 months.

And I just, I'm not a person that got comfortable

right away here.

I had to do the work.

I had to take these steps.

I had to have commitments.

I still do.

I'm still a person that goes to a lot of meetings.

I have commitments at all my meetings.

I have an opportunity to work with women.

I pray.

I have to do everything here for some reason.

But I just started to take the steps with her

and we got to the amend step and she asked me,

you know, I went through my list with her

and she asked me which one was gonna be the hardest.

I said, my parents.

She said, oh great, you'll do them first.

I thought, oh my God, this lady will not give me a break.

You know, and I'm so grateful that she had me

make amends to them first.

And I sat across from my folks,

it was Saturday afternoon,

and I made a direct and specific amends

and I asked if I'd left anything out,

what I could do to make it right.

And my mom was in Elanon and she had this list ready for me

to do things to make it right.

And her beautiful penmanship.

And I remember getting in my car

and driving down the street and parking.

I just started to cry because my life changed that day.

I wasn't crying 'cause I was upset

about what they were asking me to do.

I was just so grateful they were giving me the opportunity

to make it right.

You know, and I did everything that they asked me

to do on that list.

I'm a girl that was not welcome at holidays

that they're home or welcome in their home

for over a year.

You know, but I did all of those things.

And then my sponsor said I should call them

and let them know that I had finished everything.

Thank them for the opportunity.

And I did, and they were both really nice about it.

And my dad, who was a man of very, very, very, very

few words, you know, called me that night and he said,

"Babe, we're gonna have a family barbecue.

We'd love for you to join us this weekend."

And by doing those things,

you allowed me to be a daughter again.

You allowed me the opportunity and privilege

to sit across from them at holidays, you know,

to be there on their birthdays.

You know, to be there and hold my mom's hand

when they took her off the life support machine.

To be there with a smile on my face

when my dad was dying from cancer.

You know, Alcoholics Anonymous gave me that opportunity

and what a gift, you know.

But, you know, I ended up marrying that guy

that suggested that I get sober

and we weren't married very long.

You know, I don't even know how long, not very long.

But, you know, he ended up drinking again

and didn't want to get sober.

And I did not read the chapter two wives in our book,

Alcoholics Anonymous, about how to be a good wife

to somebody who was struggling, if I'm honest.

You know, and I left that marriage

and I thought it's all his fault.

It's him, him, him, him, him.

And, you know, it says that we'll know

how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

And within, I don't know, 48 hours,

I knew that I had a part in that marriage,

a big part in the demise of that marriage.

And so I scheduled a time to sit across from him

because I've been taught that I need to continue

to take an inventory and when I'm wrong,

I need to promptly admit it.

And I sat across from him.

He showed up at Mimi's Cafe in Tustin.

He had been in a bar fight the night before, just beat up.

And I made amends and we left.

And then whenever we have that moment of silence

for the alcoholic who's still suffering,

I always think of Mike.

And probably, gosh, I guess probably 18 years ago now,

I was speaking at a meeting in Fullerton

and I walked through the greeting line and he was sober.

He was there.

And I just remember feeling so happy and grateful

that he was sober.

And that's God and AA working in my life

because the girl that came to you hated everybody.

I would have hated him and I hope he's still sober today.

But around that time, I'm going through this divorce,

my first sponsored drink and I moved to Laguna Beach

and I've learned that when things are good

and things are bad, more alcoholics anonymous always works.

And so I just got back to basics,

going to meetings every day and getting commitments.

I got a new sponsor and I became obsessed

with finding a new husband because I'm that kind of person.

And I go on these dates with these men

and I think, "You're the one."

He'd be like, "No, I'm not."

I'm like, "Yes, you are the one."

(laughing)

Crazy girl.

And a few months of that kind of behavior,

I was sitting in my cubicle at work

and it occurred to me like I felt it deep inside

that if all I ever got to be was Tara, sober member of AA,

then that was enough for me.

And that obsession left me and a few months later,

I was at the powwow and I met my husband, Chris,

and he's a sober member of AA.

We've been married for 20 years.

We have two children, our son's 16, our daughter's 18,

and our kids have never seen us drink.

They've seen me act like a lunatic.

You know, I mean, I'm human, I'm not perfect.

You know, they've seen me have some emotional outbursts,

but I have tools today to make that right and take,

you know, I think of that, you know,

six and seven, step six and seven,

and like going and asking God to remove

the defects of character and then acting like he has,

you know, and so we have those kids

and you know, life is good.

I came to a high school dropout

and I started going to college my first year sober

and I was so irresponsible.

I enrolled for class and like never go back

and get an F or a W or whatever.

And so it took me 17 years to get a four year degree,

you know, but I finally did it.

And I'm not a quick study at all,

but I remember my dad, you know,

being in that stadium at the graduation

and he was so happy and it was like an immense

'cause he had worked so hard to give me that opportunity,

you know, and along the way,

one night I was at my Monday night home group meeting.

I was the birthday girl and I had a new dress on.

I'd had dinner with my husband.

Life couldn't have been better, you know,

and I announced birthdays from the podium

and stepped off the podium and my husband was there.

He said, your mom was in an accident, we need to go.

I said, okay, we'll go in a minute.

He said, no, we should go now.

And I called my dad as I was leaving the meeting hall

and walk into the car.

And my dad said that my mom had been hit by a car

and wasn't gonna make it.

And my life changed that day.

You know, I remember getting in the car.

I was in Bellflower at my home group

and my parents were living in Temecula.

They bought a retirement home.

They were so excited about their future.

And my husband started driving us to the hospital.

And you know, I'm still a person if I'm honest,

sometimes my go-to isn't to call you and ask for help,

but I did that night.

I called my sponsor and said, this is what's going on.

I called, you know, my three best girlfriends in AA

and I said, this is what's going on.

I think I'm gonna need some help.

And I got to be there, you know,

and pace the hallways with my dad and hold my mom's hand

when they took her off of the life support machine.

And I'm so grateful for that.

I'm so grateful that my dad knew where to find me

and that they even wanted me there.

And you know, I mean, what a gift.

And the next day we came home and, you know,

I have to say that when my mom died

and then later on when my dad died,

we were good with each other.

My parents loved AA.

They love that you gave me back to them.

You know, my mom would say,

Mija, just keep going to those meetings.

Just keep going, you know?

But anyways, the next day we came home

after making funeral arrangements

and there was a spiral bound notebook by our phone

and there was just so many names and numbers

and messages of people from AA who called.

You know, I asked it, offering their condolences.

Can they bring food?

Do we need help with our kids?

And I learned in that experience

that we really truly can stay sober through anything,

no matter what.

We just have to keep showing up.

We have to keep coming here and be really honest

about what we're doing and how we're living

and what's going on in our lives.

You know, there's nothing you can say that will surprise us.

You know, I mean, nothing.

If you're gonna be scandalous, that's okay.

Just do it here with us, you know, and keep coming.

And, you know, and then a few months later,

my dad had a stroke and he struggled for a long time.

And, you know, when he got his terminal cancer diagnosis,

you know, I just made sure that to make it,

it wasn't about me.

You know, I got to show up at those chemotherapy appointments

with a smile on my face like you've taught me to do to serve

and not put, oh, poor me, you know, this gloomy face.

My dad didn't need that.

He needed someone smiling and laughing

and I was able to do that.

And, you know, when he passed away again,

we were right with each other

because of God and Alcoholics Anonymous.

And, you know, I mean, what I do today,

you know, what it's like now.

I still, like I said, I go to meetings.

I go to four meetings a week.

I have commitments at my meetings.

I always start my day.

I get out of bed.

I immediately roll onto my knees and start my prayers.

You know, I say the third and seventh step prayers

and some other prayers.

I do read the daily reflections in 24 hours a day.

And my husband and I just this week started reading

like a little meditation together

and that's been really cool.

I work, I'm an occupational therapist.

I work with geriatrics and I get to go out

and bring AA and God with me and serve God and my fellows.

And it's the coolest thing ever, you know,

it's physical rehabilitation and I love it.

And I go in and I work, you know,

I put in eight hours of work for eight hours of pay.

I don't cut corners because I've been taught

that that's not how we live.

I have to practice these principles in all of my affairs,

even when someone's not looking, you know,

and I have the good fortune of being able

to sponsor some women and what a gift, you know,

if you're new and you're like, oh, I don't,

I don't want to bother anyone about sponsoring.

If you ask someone to sponsor you,

you're just doing something so good for their lives.

You know, you're going to make their life

so much better, really.

And, you know, I have call times with those girls

and, you know, I start my morning talking to them.

I talk to a few at lunch, some after work,

I see them at meetings.

And, you know, I just recently, one of my girls had a baby

and I got a call from her husband when she was going,

when she was in labor at the hospital.

And then he called me once the baby was born with a picture.

And I just thought, I called my sponsor.

I said, thank you so much.

Like a girl like me gets to get a call like that.

You know, I mean, what a gift, you know, it's, it's,

I can't believe it, you know, and it's so cool.

But I also continue to take a personal inventory every day.

I read a little something and if I'm wrong,

I have to admit it.

You know, I'm the kind of person I can't just,

I can't just walk around here without admitting my faults

because it'll eat away at me.

When I got to you, I was like an avoider.

If I saw someone at the grocery store that I had harmed,

I would like leave the grocery cart and leave, you know,

and, and, and I can't live like that anymore.

But, you know, I, I want to say,

I think I probably said when I started that if you're new,

I hope you stay and find what I found here.

And I'm going to share with you what I found here

in the last few minutes.

So I think, you know, it's easy to,

to confuse what we find here.

Like, you know, I've managed to get married.

We have some kids, we have a house, you know, career,

and that's all great, but that's not what I found here.

You know, what I found here first and foremost

is a relationship with a power greater than me

that I call God who has saved my butt.

You know, there are two times in my sobriety

where I wanted to drink and I didn't want to call my sponsor

and I didn't want to call any friends.

I felt like I had to drink.

And I'm so grateful that I had put in the time

of trying to develop a relationship

with a power greater than me.

Cause I remember, you know,

one night being at my Wednesday night meeting,

my meeting face was on, everything's good.

And I went home and had to drink, you know,

and, and I just remember pacing my apartment

and I got on my knees and asked God to help me stay sober.

And I stayed sober.

And I'm so grateful for that relationship.

I never feel alone.

A second thing I found here is a relationship

with my sponsor.

Tina has been my sponsor for 21 years.

And you know, I admire and respect her.

I don't confuse my relationship with her.

She's not my buddy.

She's my sponsor.

And you know, when I call her with a problem

and she gives me direction, I follow that direction.

You know, I don't debate it.

She's not emotionally attached to my stuff.

And I trust her with my life.

And I just do what she tells me to do.

I've also found here, you know,

host of friends who are more like family.

You know, I, in fact,

one of my best girlfriends adopted our niece.

So she's our family, you know, and, and those friends,

I could call them at 3 AM on a Wednesday night.

And I know they drive from LA to Dana point

where I live like that.

They wouldn't even ask twice.

And I would do the same for them.

You know, and we laugh and we have a good time.

And I mean, we go to potlucks, we go to birthday parties.

I mean, weddings, there's just so much,

so much joy here in AA.

And another thing I found here is the ability to stay calm

when I'm in the eye of the storm, you know,

because life on life's terms is going to happen.

You know, things are good,

but sometimes things are going to be bad.

And, and I think about that.

And I think I'm able to stay calm during that

because I have faith, you know,

and I've sat in here for, you know,

day after day, week after week,

listening to you guys share, you know,

people getting through cancer,

people losing their kids and still staying sober,

you know, people losing their jobs,

going through divorces, losing their parents.

And so by sitting here and really listening

and hearing how you get through it,

when I've kind of been in that bad spot,

I thought, okay, I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to get through it too.

You know, and I've also found here an ability to be useful.

And I'm so grateful for that

because when I came to you, I was useless.

People were like, get the hell out of here.

You know, they did not want me around.

They weren't inviting me to do anything.

And, and I just learned how to be useful here.

You know, and it started by having commitments, right?

By showing up, doing my commitment,

the way that it was asked of me to do,

not trying to cut corners or change it at all,

just do the damn commitment.

You know, and you taught me how to be one among many

and that's just really carrying on

in so many areas of my life.

Like in the workplace, being a team player,

you know, at home, being one among many

and putting the welfare of my family first

before my own selfish needs.

And I just, it's amazing.

You know, and I'll end with this.

A number of years ago, our kids used to like to go

to this like puppet time story hour at Barnes and Noble.

And we would go, it was every Tuesday morning at 9.30

and we'd go and they'd have fun.

And then I'd put them in a double stroller

and they had a Starbucks there.

So I'd get them a snack and walk around

and look at, you know, books.

And there was this book

on the New York Times bestseller shelf for a long time.

And the title was "A Purpose Driven Life."

And I've heard it's very good.

I haven't read it, but I've heard it's good.

And on the cover, it would say

however many millions of copies were sold.

And I just remember walking by that book every week

and my heart would smile.

And it occurred to me that there were so many millions

of people looking for a purpose.

You know, but look at us, we come here the way we are

and we do a few simple things

and we get this amazing purpose to stay sober,

to carry the message to another alcoholic.

'Cause no one can do it better than we can

'cause we have that experience.

And I just feel so grateful.

You know, I love AA and there's just not one single thing

that anyone here could tell me that would change my mind.

I love it and I'm gonna keep coming back.

Thanks for having me.

- Thank you.