From Streets to Sobriety: 25 Years of Recovery

All right. Hi, my name is Terry. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Adam. Had to ask him his name just

now. That's how self-obsessed I am. Thank you. Good share though. I'm glad you're here.

The year is a big deal. And thank you, Karen. Thank you for asking me to come do this. I

don't know how you got my name, but okay, here we go. Good luck with that. And it's

really nice to be in an AA meeting with enthusiasm. You guys like your little pocket of enthusiasm

out here. Unexpectedly. It was very nice to walk in here and everybody's greeting us and

you know, and welcoming us. And you guys seem to have such a great little fellowship going

on in here. You know, thank you, Scott, for bringing us in and bringing, making me feel

so welcome. So let's say I, I'm my, my sobriety date is May 10th, 1998. And I just turned

25 not long ago. And I'm in the middle, you know, from the group that I, my home group

is the Pacific group. I've been there for 25 years. And I just recently, I've been married

for 17 years. My husband's in the program. He's at our meeting, our home group meeting.

We go to it on Saturday night, way life in Santa Monica. And I don't know what else is

it as soon as God takes over, I'd be fine. I always get nervous speaking. Thank you.

I thought our group was brutal. Yeah. So you know, and, and I'm really grateful. I think

the reason I mentioned that about my husband is that you know, we mentioned sponsorship

and I had a sponsor. My sponsor was Susie Altman and she was my sponsor for 18 years.

And my husband also had my husband's sponsor was Clancy and then he had Jeff Nichols. And

in this last year, both of our sponsors passed. So you know, we lost Clancy when we lost his

second, his, it was actually his first sponsor. And then he was, he got went back to him and

then he, and then he passed. So, you know, we've had a big change in our, my, our house

in our group. I want to share a little bit to identify, you know, I started out in San

Pedro, California, you know, South Bay. I'm a South Bay girl. I live there. I live in

South Bay still. You know, and I, and I love it there. I just drinking was started around

12 or 13. I mean, when I first started drinking, it was like, I drank and I thought I want

to do this for the rest of my life. It was like, I was like, I want to do this as often

as possible. And you know, and I did, I did it as often as possible as a 12 or 13 year

old could do, you know? And I, I, it instantly took me, you know, I instantly started ditching

school. I'm outside the, I'm out of the house at night. I'm not supposed to be out there

on the street, but I'm out there. You know, I, I ran away when I was 15. And you know,

and I just slept in a car. That was my first night out on the street. I stayed out on the

streets and it's nothing like it is today. Oh my God. I'm so glad that I didn't experience

what's going on out there today. You know, I'm so grateful that I'm sober today and not

out there, you know, I don't know if I would survive the way it is out there, but when

I was out there, I stayed on the streets for from 15 till I was 24. And, except for the

times I was in jail, I was one of those that, you know, I, I started drinking and I, I thought

I had a right, you know, it's like, I was irritable, discontent as a child. I was always

weird, always awkward, didn't fit in, you know, and it's like, it's so weird. We're

all like that. I don't know why we're like that, but you know, you know, and I can blame

a hundred things reasons why I turned out to be the way I am, or, you know, and the

way I became it, but it really, really, really, I was with a newcomer today and I had, she

came over to my house and helped me clean and it gave her a little cash and, you know,

and she's resentful at being sober and we started talking and well, what it came down

to is she's resentful that she's, that she's not normal. You know, I was like, you're

just mad cause you want to be normal. You know, you know, she's mad at having to go

all these meetings and be sober and, and all the things that she didn't do in her life.

And I said, well, that's just because you're not a normal person. Maybe if you were a normal

person, you could have accomplished all those things. Well, I related to that. I never accomplished

anything, you know, to this day, I haven't accomplished anything. You know, it's the

only thing I've accomplished is to stay sober for 25 years, you know, and even then I didn't

accomplish that, you know, you guys did it, you know, I did it by following you and do

what you did. So I started drinking. I, I became, I was out on the street. I, I, you

know, the things that I did out there, it doesn't make me an alcoholic, but I did them,

you know, and I'm, I'm grateful that I did the things I did on the streets because I

can, I help a lot of women that have been out there, you know, and I had done things

that, you know, other people don't quite get. And as a matter of fact, I didn't think I

could come to AA because I was afraid because of all the things that I had did out there,

you know, that I just didn't think just a normal, normal alcoholic, you know, you know,

sitting drinking his, their drinks at the desk in their drawer or whatever, you know,

I don't know what I thought an alcoholic was, you know, but that, that that's not true.

What happened was I ended up on the streets and, you know, did all the things that a young

girl on the street shouldn't be doing. And I ended up, I ended up like I had arrived.

I ended up, I became a biker. I don't know how that happened, but you know, I was young

and all of a sudden I'm in the biker scene. And then, and then I became a burglar and

I was out there and I was like burglar and I wore a little black beanies and little black

outfits and you know, and it's like my drinking just like put me in those places, you know,

it's like I, my drinking put me with people, places and things, you know, I found the people,

my crate, you know, my people out there and I, and I just ran with people that drink like

I drink, you know, and and and then I had all the other outside issue things, you know,

I don't know if just normal people just go out there and do those things out there, but

I did. And that's probably why I ended up such a low bottom out there. And you know,

then I ended up getting arrested and you know, when I got sober, they told me, Oh, let's

see if you're an alcoholic. You know, it's like, you need to read Bill's story, see if

you identify with Bill's story. And you know, somebody gave me a big book and you know,

and I read Bill's story and you know, there was a time when I was living in a VW van and

literally living in the van. And I remember I had like fifths of Kessler's whiskey because

it was cheap and it roared across the United States in this van, you know, went to somewhere

back east and got some money that this guy had that from the, his, his, you know, whatever

unemployment or whatever it was. And we got like $7,000 and we were high on the world,

you know, and we, we, you know, like got motel rooms, not hotels, but motel rooms, you know,

and I got sober, I learned the difference between a motel and a hotel, you know, and

we, we, and then we'd live in a motel and we're like, you know, had it all together

and, and then we'd use all that money up and there we are back in the streets again, you

know, it's like, and Bill's story, you know, you roared across the United States or roared

across on his motorcycle and he had good times and, and then he had bad times and I related

all that, you know, and that was kind of like my story and, you know, so I bought him out.

I go to jail and I get in jail and I try, I swear when I get out of here, I'm gonna,

I swear when I get out of here, I'm going to get my life together. I'm going to get

a job and I'm going to put myself together. I'm going to get it together. And I went to

civil brand one time and they released me and I, on the way down the hill, somebody

had a beer and I drank and next thing I knew I was in somebody's bathroom, you know, drinking

and whatever we were doing. And, you know, there went that plan. You know, and another

time I was in a, I went into, I was running good, good, sufficient reasons. I went into

the state mental hospital at Norwalk and I checked myself in there cause I had some violations

of probation and, and I was in there for six months and, and I swore when I get out of here,

I'm going to get it together. You know, I'm going to get a job and we get my life together

with everything in me. I believe that, you know, and next thing and grandma's giving

me, you know, little money and coming to visit mom's visiting and you know, I swear when

I get out of here, I'm gonna get it together. Well, we snuck off to a football game and

I, and we drank a beer and we snuck up and I had to drink a beer real quick and drink

a bunch of water. We'll be okay. And get back to the house and they'll test us and everything

will be all right. And I don't know, that's what my thinking was. Right. And you know,

I drank that beer and next thing I was talking to one of the guys out of leaving the house

with me and we went and got a fifth of something and drank that. I put him in a motel room.

I got on a bus, left all my clothes on the bus and ended up at, you know, somebody's

house, you know, and there I was one more time and it, it over and over and over. And

then it got to the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. You talked

about that and I would be like, I would get like so miserable out there living the way

I had to live that I couldn't stand it, that I had to get sober. I had to, and then I get

sober and I get so miserable that I couldn't stand it that I have to drink. Now I went

to another fellowship because of that outside thing that I had going on. I just call them

drugs, whatever, you know, and I was outside, you know, I had this, I got directed to the

other fellowship by the court system and I went there and I was there for 12 years and

you know, 12 years is a long time. I did everything. I went to meetings, I interacted with everybody.

I sponsored people. I had sponsored seven women at one point, but the one thing I didn't

do was I didn't respect sobriety. I didn't respect money. I didn't respect people. And

I used people, places and things during that period of time, just like I did alcohol, you

know, and to the point where, you know, I got sober and all of a sudden, you know, I'm

a girl off the streets. I don't have, I don't even know how to make a bet. You know, I didn't

even work. And, you know, so I got a little job in a donut shop. I got credit cards. Next

thing I had, all my credit cards were maxed out because I had no respect for money. I

had a sponsor and I sponsored people. I looked good in meetings. I guess I did. And as a

result of that, at 12 years, I filed bankruptcy. I was miserable. I didn't know what to do.

Everybody else, I was crying all the time and they just didn't get what was wrong with

me, what was really going on with me. I think I was suffering from alcoholism, you know,

sober alcoholism. You know, I was suffering because I wasn't following the rules. The

rules didn't apply to me. And finally, you know what I did? I went out with somebody

from work and I, and they were drinking and they were skiing and water. I wanted to have

some fun. I didn't want to just have to go to meetings. I wanted to have some fun. So

I went out with them and cause I wanted to go out and have fun. You know, I was young,

you know, so we went water skiing and they had beer in the thing and I, and they're like,

just take a beer. And I didn't want to do cause I had 12 years of sobriety. And I was

like, I'm not drinking. And then we went to the Pomona fair and the guy handed me his

beer. He said, just hold this for me. I'll get a ticket for us. And I'm standing there

holding his beer. And he's like, just drink it. I'm like, no, because that place is brain

washes you. I'm like, I'm not drinking at 12 years. Right. So I wasn't spiritually,

I just didn't have it. And I stand there and I just drank his beer, you know, 12 years

of sobriety. I downed it. Next thing I downed like four more, you know, four of those big

beers from the fair. And I downed those and good. So I blew 12 years of sobriety. So three

days later I came back to the program and I was fine for the week. And then, and then

I went to work and I got back into my meetings, got my sponsor going back. Now, if you're

new, you don't have to go out to drink. This just might, you know, it's just part of my

just part of my story. And so the last, so, so the week later I went to work and I came

out of work. I had no clue. Like I just didn't know I was an alcoholic. I don't know. You

think I would've known that the way I was living out there, you would know that you're

an alcoholic, right? I mean, I just didn't get it. And so I came out of work one day

and next thing I went to the grocery store and bought a six pack and sat in the parking

lot and drink it, you know, I was like, what happened? I was supposed to be sober, you

know? Now I'm like, now I'm really messed up and I'm crying all the time. I'm like,

I don't know what to do with myself. It's finally, somebody directed me. They said,

why don't you just go to AA meeting? Why don't you go meeting morning, noon and night? You

should go to the lot of club, go sit in a lot of club. And I didn't know what to do

with myself. I couldn't even work. I was so, I don't know if you've ever been so sober

without program and without God without, even though I had program, I didn't really have

it. Like I was just there for the fellowship or something. I don't know what I was there

for. It was weird. And yeah, and I ended up just a mess. So now I'm sitting in the Lana

club in Hermosa beach morning, noon TLC club and morning, noon and night. Didn't know what

to do with myself. Finally, I met some people that were working the steps in the big book,

you know, I, and I really believe you can even work the steps in the big book too much.

You know, it's like you can do a lot of fellowship that didn't fix me. And then I, then I got

in the book and did the book and the reading and the writing and highlighting and underlining

and look at myself. And you know, I learned a lot. I learned, I learned about alcoholism.

I learned about my alcoholism, the lady that was taking me through it. I really, I know

this is a weird talk, but I, I really learned all about my alcoholism. I looked at it, you

know, I identify with bill all the way. I identify with doctor's opinion all the way.

I identify everything that book I identified with and, and I was doing my fourth column

and I couldn't see my part. I didn't have a part anything. Cause I was just a big victim.

I just ran through my life as a big, big, big victim. You know, everybody did it to

me. It's because of my mom. She left me when I was a kid because of that person that did

that to me or they did this. And I was just filled with resentment and, and I couldn't,

and I didn't play a part in any of it. You know, I filed bankruptcy, you know? So finally

I was with this lady and I did my fourth column and I went and did my fifth step over there.

And she's just like, you don't get it. You're not, you don't have a part in anything. What,

what is going on with you? She sent me home to rewrite my fifth step. And I had two years

and I went home and I bought a six pack. That was my last time. I went and bought a six

pack and I stepped over to the news. I drank three beers and I went to a meeting, I sat

in the meeting and I thought, you know what? I sat in the meeting. I was supposed to be

a secretary that night of a meeting. And I sat there in the meeting and I was like, okay,

I'm going to go home. On my way home. I'm thinking I got three more beers in the refrigerator.

I went home and I drank those three beers and I thought, Oh, I might as well have some

fun since I drank. Let's go over to the bar. And the ladies, the lady that was trying to

help me out at the time, she goes, yeah, that's a good idea. Why don't you step over to the

nearest bar and do some controlled drinking. Let's see if you can do that and get away

with it. Let's do the test in the big book. She told me, and I did. I went to the zebra

room down in Torrance and I sat there, man. I was so excited. I could just sit there,

freely drink, even at direct with direction. And I sat there and I drank all night. I drank

while she told me to drink three, three screwdriver show and drink three, three drinks and go home

and tell me that I wasn't an alcoholic. So I went home and after three screwdrivers and

there were like big screwdriver, just a little bit of orange juice bartender knew I was young

and dumb and there I was in the bar, you know? And and I went home and I was drunk and she

says, try it again. You know, cause I was confused. Cause I was, I wanted to say I was

a big drug addict. So I had a confusion about my alcoholism and it almost killed me. Cause I was,

I just could not accept that I was an alcoholic. I can accept I'm a dolphin cause that's,

there's something tied to that. You know, my ego, my pride, you know, I can hang on to that

one. Right. I'm somebody finally, you know, say, but I couldn't see the alcoholism. And

so then I went to the back of the bar the next night and I drink two, two, cut it back to two

screwdrivers and I drank the two screwdrivers and I called her from the payphone cause there's

payphones back then. Call her from the payphone. Is it okay? I'm going home. I just drank. I'm

not an alcoholic. I'm going home. And when I was passing the bar, the bartender signed another

drink on the table. And I'm not kidding you. I drank 10 screwdrivers. I might be exaggerating,

but I know it was close to 10. And then I said, anybody got any Coke in the room?

The guy like handed me a gram and I went to the bathroom and everybody had went home.

This is my last drunk. I hope to God, this is my last drunk. And I took that in the bathroom and I

was drunk and I snorted the whole thing, got it all up in my nose, put water up in there. At one

time, snorted a whole gram. And I came out of that bathroom and I said, call the paramedics, call the

paramedics. And he didn't. And I got dumped on my doorstep. Pretty, pretty mangled that night. My

last drunk, you know? So if you think you can just go out and drink and get away with it, I don't

know. I was convinced I was beaten into sweet and reasonable. I got home and I called the doctor.

I called the paramedics on myself and I went to the hospital. And it's funny because the doctor

was looking me dead in the eye and he just said, he looked at me in the eye and I'm like crying.

I got in the program and I'm supposed to be sober and I'm crying and whining to him. And he looks me

dead in the eye and he says, young lady, you really ought to go back to where God is. I'll never

forget it. He had a mask on. He looked me dead in the eye and said, you ought to go back to where

God is. You know, the next morning I didn't, you know, somebody called me and asked me what was,

you know, if I was okay. And I'm like, they asked me, do you know, do you know anybody to call? Do

you have any women to call? Can you call somebody? And I'm like, I don't even, I like just lost any

connection with everybody. And he said, well, I'll tell you what, you know, somebody like you really

ought to go to a Pacific room. You go there, maybe that can help you. And he goes, are you willing to

pray for a sponsor? Are you willing to pray? And I said, yeah, I'm willing to pray. I'm willing to

do anything. I mean, I was on my knees begging God and this lady answered the phone and she said,

okay, well meet me out on Monday night, Ohio street. And I did. And that night the women

grabbed me and the women took me around and I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. Like it was like

the first day, you know, I came and I got connection. I got meeting phone numbers from

everybody, all the women from woman to woman to woman. And for a year, you know, like that's,

I got a commitment at every meeting I went to, you know, I got an A, I got active and I got a sponsor

and, you know, and I started working the steps, you know, and I did that. I got all the way up to

the ninth step and, you know, I don't know about you, but I filed bankruptcy, you know, that thing's

wrote off. I filed bankruptcy, no big deal, right? Not until I got to my fifth, my ninth step, my

sponsor said, you know, you need to make amends to that because you basically stole their money. You

know, you need to make amends for that. So I went back to all the people that I, my, my, the first

thing I got to get together when I got sober was my, thank God my sponsor was like in the finance

class. We had this thing as a finance, you know, like they believe in finance, uh, financial

sobriety. And we got together and, uh, we first thing she did, she had me bring me everything. I

owed money on every bill, everything. We sat down and we went over everything. She goes, you know,

you're going to get a better job. You're going to pay this off. You're going to pay that off.

You're going to do this and you're going to do that. And you're going to get your life together,

you know, and everything she said came to true, you know, because I was willing to make that

amends, you know, and, uh, and I made amends to my mom. I stole her car because when I got drunk,

I used to steal cars. So my mom's car and tore it up, tore the transmission out. Um,

one day my mom and I had a period of sobriety. My mom came to me and she said she needed some

money, needed help because I was doing all right. I was sober, you know, and I had money and I had

extra money and she, and I helped. And she goes, can you help me out? I need about $25,000. And I

had it, you know, and I gave it to her, you know, it was came to exactly just about the same amount

as that card, the transmission I tore out of it and all the credit cards that I stole from her

and all the money that I owed her was about the same. You know, and I said, you know, this is my

amends. You don't have to pay me back this, you know, and I gave that to her. And then I made amends

with my, my family because, you know, I had been disappeared for so many years that, uh, my amends

was to go. And, um, I call my mom every Wednesday. I've been doing that for 20 years, you know,

I'm a daughter to her. I go visit with her, you know, I'm her daughter as hard as it is. My mom's

a huge narcissist. It's very difficult. Very hard, but you know what? And when we're together more

than three days, fish stinks and we get into it, you know, so now we've learned to like interact,

you know, at a distance, basically, you know, and we get together periodically and that's okay.

It's okay for her. And it's okay for me. Um, I live in her house, uh, that she has out here

and is trusted to me and my husband. It's like, you know, I tore her heart out, you know, um,

she came to me, uh, after a period of sobriety and said, did you ever come in my house? And I

swear I did not, but she, somebody did. And she thinks that I, I swear to God, I didn't do that.

I didn't do it, but I did do my grandma's house. I tried to go back and make amends to my grandmother

and my grandfather, but they did not want to hear mine. They did not want to talk about it.

And the amends was not to talk about it then. And the amends was for me to go spend 10 years,

every, every vacation I ever had at work, I went back and was like my, my grandma's daughter,

you know, went and visited and that's kind of how I made those amends. And, you know, I just had a

lot of amends over the years, you know, it's like, I have some amends out there that can never be

right. Can never be righted, you know, and the way I do that is I put people on my couch periodically.

Don't ask me to go on my couch tonight. I'm not going to put you there unless I know you.

The days have changed. The days have changed. You know, there was a time my husband said,

can I bring this guy home tonight? He's like a mess, you know? And, um, and he was like,

he was like rocking and bobbing and just, he was a wreck. And I said, yeah, you can bring him home.

So we brought him home and he said, put him, set him up on the couch and you're going to sleep

there. And he was sitting there just like doing this on the couch. And we're like, okay, we're

going to go to bed now. We'll see you in the morning. Okay. He's like, okay, are you going

to be all right? Yeah, I'm okay. And we got up in the, we went to bed and we got up in the morning.

He was still sitting there for a thing, you know, he disappeared that day. He never came back, but,

um, you know, we've had, I've had many, many experiences, you know, it's like, I got into

action, you know, I got into like helping others, you know, like giving rights, you know, sponsoring,

I don't have to even sponsor people when I got a card to start giving people rights, you know, um,

I don't know, I was kind of weird because Clancy, I don't know how much you guys know Clancy or I'm

sure that, you know, well, but everybody knows about the Pacific group, but, um, I knew so much

about it that I was like, I'm never going there because they clean up fake leaves in his yard,

you know, I have people don't ever go there. They're, they're Nazi group, whatever, you know,

don't go there. And I was always told don't go there. Well, let me tell you, I went there in,

and what I got was like the ultimate AA. I got thrown in AA there and, um, I went, I went to

Clancy's house for 23 years. I'd wake up in the morning and I don't know what to do with free

time. What do you do a free time when, you know, when you're sober. So we've got to go to his house

on Saturday mornings and play volleyball. And, um, yeah, we cleaned up this yard and stuff, but we

got to play in his yard. So we didn't dig, so we didn't step in his dog crap, you know, so we

cleaned the yard up and that was like, so we could play there. Um, I got to learn how to think about

other people by going to parties and going, celebrating other people's birthday parties.

You know, I'm such a selfish person, you know, it's like, who wants to take a Sunday and go to

somebody's party? You know, I'd rather go bike riding, go to the beach or do something, you know,

but I learned how to like show up for people's sobriety there. Um, you know, I had my party just

recently, 25 years. It's like, God, the room was full. It's like 200 people in that room, you know,

me and my friend, Diane, Diane has 35 years and, you know, I've been friends with her for 25 years.

You know, that's pretty, that's pretty awesome to have the same friends and know the same people

for, you know, a period of time like that. You know, um, uh, I got to date an AA, you know,

I'm sorry, I wasn't going to do this. I got to, I'm grateful. I'm grateful. I'm so grateful. Um,

I got to, uh, date when I first got into this group, I dated and of course, you know, it's like,

uh, thank you very much. Um, my first year, thank you. Yeah. Thank you. My first year, I thank you

very much. I, my first year I didn't date because of, you know, my past, you know, in the other

group and how I treated people. Um, that was the other thing is, you know, I just needed people to

fix me. I was looking for a fix, you know, that excitement and that adrenaline, you know? Yeah.

You know, it's like, and then when I was, when it didn't fix me anymore, I just dump you or drop

you, you know, and go on to the next one, you know? And I did that for years. No wonder I drank

at 12 years. Right. Or that kind of stuff. And, um, in the sobriety, I came in and I was like,

when our sponsors talk about no relationships in your first year, you know, put sobriety first,

you know, that includes, put sobriety first ahead of working at nights and, you know, doing some

things in your life, you know, that you think you want to do. Um, I was willing to sacrifice and,

you know, put sobriety first this time, you know, and as a result of that, I've been sober,

you know, and had a pretty good, I've had a pretty good run so far. And, uh, uh, so in a year and a

day, some guy asked me out and of course I went out thinking that I could, and, you know, it

turned out bad. It wasn't a good thing. It wasn't, you know, uh, it's to say, I just say that it

turned out not good. It was like four years of a death dance again. And, um, and I knew it and I

just couldn't say no, you know, and, and we ended up in a divorce and, you know, and that was,

that's the way it happened. And a year later, um, this man was speaking at, at a meeting and he, uh,

was talking about respecting his sobriety and sobriety came first. They didn't even walk down

the aisles of the booze section in the grocery stores. And, but, you know, this man had been

through similar experiences as I had, and we both seemed to kind of get to the same spot and

spiritually and with God in the same place in the same time. And, you know, and he asked me out and,

um, for a year we dated, you know, it was pretty cool. He'd come up in his car and pull up and

open the door for me and I'd get in and I never did dating, you know, I never dated anyone,

you know, unless you had money, you know? So, um, I learned how to date and, uh, and have fun,

you know, and have fun. And, uh, him and I have been doing this for 18 years, having fun,

going to meetings and doing fun things and going places and we went to New York and we've done a

few things that's fun, you know? Um, so, so what do you do when all that and all the, you know,

group stuff happens, you know, we're so active and so part of, and then the main guy, you know,

passes, you know, COVID hit and then everything stopped, but it didn't stop because here we have

these people are still up here, man, doing what we've been doing, you know, that zoom thing,

like kicked in, you know, thank God for that. You know, and about a couple months later,

after 20 years, I got laid off from my job, you know, because during COVID they just did a cut

down because of COVID 20%. And I was one of the people that got cut down and was like shocked,

you know? And it's like, what do you do? So the COVID thing hit, the job went, my sponsor went,

you know, it's like a lot of things stop and you know what? It didn't really, because we better

know how to do AA, just plain simple AA, you know, do my prayers in the morning. I, that's one of the

things that is I got, I got that, you know, it's like, I pray every morning, every night, and I

pray all day long. I was in there praying before I came out here, you know, it's like, I go to work

and I pray and I ask God to help guide me, guide my thinking and direct my thoughts. You know,

recently I hit 25 years and I found myself a little edgy and a little angry, you know,

and then people on the freeway, right? When I got on the freeway, it was like, no, you're not,

you're not going to get in. You're not going to, and you're not letting me over. Well, you know,

what's up with that? You know, why won't you let me in? You know, I was like driving around like

this and then I get to work and my coworkers like challenging me, like, how dare you challenge me?

You know, you know, it's like, wait a minute, you know, and he's like kind of yelling at me

and the next thing he's in my face, standing up face to face to me and he's new and he's

like four months and he's like, you know, telling me what I should be doing. And I'm like, wait a

minute, stop yelling at me. You're yelling at me. He stopped it. And they say, I'm yelling at me.

And I scream at him with everything down in here. And I realized the anger and the rage I had was

like scary. Like all of a sudden I realized I'm taking these actions and I'm sober, but I'm having

tantrums at work. I'm having tantrums on a free. What is going on with me? And thank God I have a

sponsor, you know, thank God, you know, I got a new sponsor after my sponsor passed, somebody that

had a numpad wife, a numpad for my whole sobriety, you know, and I started talking to her and, and I

got honest and he was talking and started talking to people about what I was doing. And you know,

what it came down to was I'm good at praying and meditating, but I needed to change my, my actions.

You know, there comes a point where it's, yeah, we're, you know, praying God and everything's

great. God relieved me on my defects and character and all that, but become the point where we become

responsible for our actions. And I had to get like stopped. I had to pause, you know, pause when

agitated and doubtful and ask God for the right thoughts and actions. And so now I hate this

though. Every night I go to bed for the past 25 years. I, when we retire at night, we constructively

review our day. Was I resentful, selfish, dishonest, afraid, going all in amends. Did I do

something I should talk about? You know, what can I do to make it right? God, please forgive me. You

know, and I've done that in my head, but recently I've been, I got direction to write it, you know,

and now I'm like, I don't like writing every night before you go to bed. It like puts it real.

And you know, now I have to change. Like I'm aware now when I go to work and I'm like, okay,

I can see where I'm getting. That's a little tense. God, please remove my fear of it. Direct

my attention to what you would have me be. So I'm in that place right now. I spent a great day this

morning. This is what my days look like. I get up in the morning and I spend an hour praying and

meditating or reading and whatever. And then I get dressed and go to work. And today was a little

different. My husband golfed this morning and we live in a nice little house and I have a new girl

that needed some money. You know, she's not working. So I went, got up and I went to work.

I wasn't supposed to, but I needed to put some extra hours in. So I did, I went and gave him a

little bit cause the guy quit. The guy quit that we were arguing. I don't know if it's all my fault.

I feel kind of bad, but I asked my sponsor if I owed him a minute. She just said, don't do that

anymore. So, cause partly his two, I guess. But so anyways, now I got to pick up the slack cause he

left. I was praying for the resentment to be removed. God, but I didn't mean that too literally.

You know, every time I prayed for some resentment or some of the weeds, you know,

kind of scary second time. So he left and now I'm holding the load and I'm like, it's a lot,

you know, so I just try to get through the day. So I went and helped out this today. And then I went

and picked her up and she came over to the house and helped me do some cleaning cause my husband's

mom's coming next weekend. His dad passed away early in January. And now we're have his mom,

my mom's getting dementia and she's out in Nevada. And so now I'm like back and forth with that. And

life is going on, you know, that's where I'm at today. You know, it's just keep it simple and

breathe. And Jessica so graciously said, she's right out here with me tonight and we had dinner

and we got to talk. So that was great. And so here we are. So I'm going to go home and go to bed.

That's all I got. Thank you.

Bye Jer. Now I can see you.