From First Beer at 11 to Sobriety: A Journey Through Addiction and Recovery

- I'm grateful to be here, I'm delighted to be here.

I made a lot of friends on the 405 freeway tonight.

Thank you, Karen, for inviting me.

It's an honor and a privilege to do anything

for Alcoholics Anonymous, thank you.

I'll share with you what it was like,

what happened and what it's like today.

My sobriety date is June 2nd, 1999.

My sponsor's name is Sharon C,

my home group is a specific group.

And welcome to any newcomers to Alcoholics Anonymous.

This is the place to stop drinking and using drugs.

If you have a problem with drinking and using

or if somebody thinks that you do, I like our story.

Anyway, yeah, I grew up in Lancaster

and that was my first resentment.

It's not why I started drinking,

but it is why I started doing crystal meth.

So all I'm gonna say about that.

So yeah, I grew up in Lancaster.

I had this big Mexican American family.

We drink for every reason, baptisms, weddings,

funerals, graduate, everything for everything.

And my mom had a lot of brothers and sisters

and a lot of aunts and uncles, and they would have,

I'm old, but in the '70s,

they had Soul Train and Soul Train line dances.

So we had that in my grandma's living room

and they had a bar.

Usually grandmas have like these cute little cherubee,

not my grandma, she had a bar and we drank.

Budweiser beer, that was my first drink.

So I drank in the summer, I was 11 and a half years old.

My mom shipped me off to my grandma's house

and I drank Budweiser beer in the park with my Chola aunts

and they made me all Chola, my hair was really high

and I had red lipstick on and had black eyeliner.

And I remember my aunt Becky,

haven't even had a drink yet and my aunt Becky is like,

"Please don't smoke because we're gonna hairspray our hair.

We don't wanna catch on fire."

And so I totally behaved and then we walked down to the park

and we shared a six pack of Budweiser beer.

And I didn't know that was gonna kick off my alcoholism.

I had no idea I was an alcoholic.

I had no idea I was a baby drunk.

I loved it, I don't know if it was hot, it was summer.

I mean, I drank it and then I drank another one

and we were supposed to share a six pack, but I had three,

they shared the other three.

I was sharing kind of and what happened for me

is these Cholo guys came and they're low rider cars

so we jumped in the car and they had more alcohol

and blah, blah, blah.

And then we were, I guess, cruising, I guess we'd call it.

So we were cruising and then I over drank

because I had some of theirs, they shared with me

and then I was starting to throw up half in the car

and half out of the car.

And I couldn't like get the window down anyway.

So when I brought my head back in, I was like,

"Oh my God, this is so much fun."

And it was the eighties, so all the stuff went,

hope you had dinner, all the barf went into my hair

and just so much fun, you guys.

If it could have stayed like that,

I would have kept on drinking.

That was a good night and I didn't drink every day.

Like I said, I was really young.

I didn't start drinking every day till I was about 15.

So it took a little while.

And I grew up in this alcoholic home

and it's just crazy when I grew up in that home

and I had had it up to here with my parents.

They were, "Oh, thank you."

So what happened for me is I just ran away.

Like I ran away for good.

I was about what, 13?

I was hitchhiking up and down Sierra highway.

I had my backpack with me and all my makeup

and my Madonna records.

And I just remember feeling like more at home on the streets

than I did in my own home.

That's a weird feeling.

And so my experiences is once I took that drink,

I was being driven.

Like I dropped out of school.

I gave up those friends.

I sacrificed them my safe,

well, at least a roof over my head for homelessness.

I sacrificed having a meal every day

and I was eating out of a trash can

when it got really desperate.

Sleeping in my friend's cars

or sleeping in somebody's garages

and hiding in bushes so the cops won't come and get me

and drag me back home.

I mean, it was so serious.

Yeah, I thought I was having fun.

And looking back through my inventory,

I can tell, I could look back on the pages

and see where I've been driven by my own alcoholism

all the way back from when I was 11,

that first night I took that drink.

So by the time I was 15 and I had moved in with this guy

and we were having a baby,

that's the only thing that put the brakes on my drinking

is that I got pregnant

and I was able to not drink for nine months.

Not because I had all this spirituality or any,

I don't know, I was just not so addicted yet

that I could put the drink down for nine months.

And he was the drug dealer, the local drug dealer,

so he was like perfect for me.

And we had a good little side business.

I was good at weighing and measuring.

But there were problems because we were having a baby

and so I got hauled out of there and onto foster home.

The story does get better by the way.

Went to foster care and it was just that.

It was just a crazy alcoholic life

and it's the only normal one I know.

And looking back on it,

that girl that I just told you about, she's dead.

She didn't make it.

Like I could not keep drinking the way I was drinking.

I could not drag my little tiny baby boy as a 15 year old

from heartbreak to heartbreak, house to house,

living the way I was living.

I couldn't do it.

The only way I could do it is drinking.

Like it made the unbearable bearable.

A lady in AA said, that's what you did.

You made the unbearable bearable.

And I was physically desiring drinking

but I thought I was having fun.

I got a little job.

I got better.

I went to a continuation school

where they sent all the pregnant teenage girls.

So I went there.

Then I thought the problem was Lancaster.

So I had my little son

and then I moved all the way to Cini Valley.

And I know, I know it's just as windy in Cini Valley

and hot in Cini Valley.

And now I'm in my 20s and fast forward,

I found a better job, a better place to live.

And what I'm sharing is that

even though my life is getting better,

the insides were not.

The thinking was not.

I was still suffering from insane thinking

'cause why would drinking sound like a good idea

if I'm already having blackouts?

Why would drinking again sound like a good idea

if I'm already like driving drunk?

Why would drinking again sound like a good idea

if I forget which babysitter I have left my son with?

And that's how I drink.

I just thought I was a bad mom

or I didn't know how to save money.

'Cause I would spend all my money at the bar

and I would think, gosh, maybe if I only took $20 in

I would only spend that 20.

And maybe I wouldn't get so drunk.

But no, that didn't happen.

I just found another way to get more alcohol.

And so what happened for me was I was getting older

and getting more and more drunk

because the disease of alcoholism is progressive.

My little son's growing up

and I thought I was in a pretty safe place.

And there was one time I went to somewhere far.

I can't even think of the city,

but it was called Quiet Canyon,

wherever the heck that place is.

And I won a salsa dancing contest, $500.

I didn't know I was in it 'cause I was in a blackout,

but still want that money.

And I'm like, hey, this is not bad.

But then I would drink at another bar

and bad things happen and the sky took me away.

And so right before my life flashed before my eyes

when he was pounding on this bathroom door

and he was busting in, he was a complete stranger.

I don't even remember much.

But I just remember my whole life flashed before my eyes

and I thought, I don't wanna die like this.

I do wanna raise my son.

And if I am gonna die, I wanna choose how I die.

And you would think that that would make me stay sober.

Like at least not drink for a while.

But man, when his fist crashed into this side of my head,

I was grateful when I came to the next day like,

oh, I'm still alive, that's good.

And maybe if he lets me go, I'll do something different.

It's kind of like not very good prayer.

But I asked God, please help me be better.

So when he did let me go, when he released me,

first thing I did is I drove home and I opened the door

and I went straight to the fridge and get a drink.

I did not think maybe I should stop drinking.

I thought maybe I shouldn't go to Mexican bars

in the valley 'cause it's not safe.

So my girlfriends and I, we started going to Irish pubs

and we started drinking lots of beer.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

I did not stop drinking.

I didn't stop drinking for another four, maybe five years.

And then in between that, I married my coworker.

I know it's crazy.

Like if ever you think getting married

is gonna help you with your drinking,

it actually makes it worse.

So that's my experience.

Don't tell him that.

But so I got married to my coworker roommate guy

and I thought, God, thank God we're roommates

'cause I would never go out with you.

And then I got married and I thought,

what is, my life was just spinning out of control

and I had all these plates spinning.

And so my experiences, what I was experiencing

was utter hopelessness, which is wanting to stop

but can't stop drinking, insanity,

thinking that a drink is gonna make things better, blackouts.

And then by the time I stopped drinking,

what happened was I would, I got married

and I would fly to Las Vegas every Mother's Day

'cause it was very stressful being a mom.

And then I would lie and say my name is Sarah

and I would drink and dance.

And then I was accidentally hanging out with a pimp.

It's a long story.

I was hanging out with a pimp.

I didn't know it, but the fur coat

and the hat and the feather should have been a clue.

He looked me in the eyes.

He's like, Sarah, oh, I lied and say my name is Sarah.

Sarah, are you sure you want me to do this?

Do you want a drink?

And I said, yes, I want a drink.

And then I had been hearing voices by now.

I don't know, probably nobody hears voices like I did,

but I was hearing voices.

And this one actually had a good idea.

It said, get out of the car and run.

And so I did what we did.

And then I grabbed my shirt

and I went running across that big street

'cause streets are much whiter in Vegas.

They really are.

And I was bloated.

I was in and out of a blackout.

I was sunburned on my armpit and the roof of my mouth

'cause I'd hang out.

I had hung out at the pool all day.

And so it hurt to run and I over drank.

And so have you ever been so drunk and bloated?

Like you hold your belly so you could run faster

'cause it's sloshing around.

But that's kinda how it was.

I was racing to get out of there 'cause I thought,

he's gonna get me.

And I look back, nobody was there.

So that's hallucination, I think.

I could be wrong.

I called my husband at the time and said,

you have to fly me home.

This is the end, you guys.

I mean, it should be the end.

I called him, told him what happened.

The girls stole my money and they left me in Vegas.

So you got to come get me or give me money

or buy me a ticket.

And he's like, you have the worst friends.

I said, I know, they are terrible.

I'll never do this again.

And I flew home.

I didn't have a blackout.

And what I was gonna do was he met me at the gate.

This was before 9/11.

He met me at the gate and he wanted to know what happened.

I couldn't look him in the eye.

I said, I told you what happened.

And I slipped out of there and he took me to my car

and I was gonna take my car and crash it

into the pillar on the freeway, on the 405 freeway.

And when I went to go do it, he was following me

so I couldn't, chickened out.

And that's the end.

Talk about the hopelessness and the despair of the alcoholic.

The loneliness, even though I'm a married woman

with friends, children, my dog, Jaeger.

I mean, I still not stopped drinking.

That loneliness and then drinking and pouring the alcohol

on top of that loneliness is like,

it just wasn't helping anymore.

Have you ever drank yourself clear?

Like you drank so much, but your head is still going,

but your body's all, yeah, that was me at the end.

So I drove home and my sons met me at the door.

My once, my oldest son and then my two stepson.

And I said, mommy's sick.

I went upstairs and it dawned on me

I should probably call this girl who I had met

at a class I was in.

We'd gone to a play a couple of weeks earlier

and I told her what happened.

'Cause she told me she was in ANA

and she didn't drink no matter what.

One's too many, a thousand's not enough.

I'm like, what in the heck kind of math is that?

Like, what are you talking about?

And the talk is really good.

She goes to a meeting every day at 7 a.m. in Burbank

and she calls her sponsor lady every day.

And then she goes to work after the meeting

and then she stays there the whole day.

And I was like, wow, that's amazing.

How do you stay at work the whole day?

And so I called her and told her what happened in Las Vegas

where I was so drunk and I was dancing

with my best friend Sparkles and then the pimp guy.

And she's like, oh my gosh, that happens all the time in AA.

You will fit right in.

And I believed her.

I'm like, really?

She's like, yes, we hang out with pimps all the time.

And I felt so comforted, like really?

There's a place for me?

She's like, oh, you're gonna fit right in.

Can you go to a meeting today?

And I was, maybe I overreacted.

And I said, yes, I could go.

I wasn't gonna go that day, maybe though.

I lied.

She said, can you not drink that day?

And I said, yes, I don't have to drink every day.

I just like to drink every day.

That's why I drink every day, but I don't have to.

But if I wanted to, but if I don't want to

and you don't want me to, I won't.

And she's like, okay, don't.

And I'm like, whoa.

And so by five, I don't know what time it was

in the morning that morning, I don't even remember.

But I remember right around five or six o'clock

I was pacing, it was time for me to drink.

So I drink every time I was supposed to be cooking dinner.

I was a stay-at-home mom by now.

It was designed that way so I could drink.

That was a hard day.

That was June 1st.

My Friday day is June 2nd.

So that was June 1st.

June 2nd, I had nothing in me.

I went to a meeting the day after that in Agoura Hills.

It was at a bank.

And I walked up to the, and they were really happy.

And they were drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes

and hugging and the men were slapping each other on the back

like, hey, and I was like, who are these people?

And they were looking at me like, who is that?

'Cause I remember I was all bloated and fat

and I have a sunburn everywhere.

And they're like, who is that?

And they asked me, are you new here?

And I said, no, I've been in this neighborhood

for many years and they laugh so hard.

I hope they made it to the area.

I'm like, what did I do?

They're like, okay, welcome.

And they sat me down.

It was like a half circle, like a U, like a half circle.

And they sat me at the end

and they gave me a half cup of coffee

and they were really nice to me.

And here's what I know now,

the power of a higher power working in that meeting,

expressing God through those people,

unconditional love for this crazy, sunburned,

smelly, bloated, sweaty newcomer, me.

And the topic of the meeting

was their first year of sobriety.

I don't think that was the topic when I first got there.

I think they changed it.

I could be wrong.

And they each went around the room

and they shared about their first year.

And all I thought was, oh, oh, okay.

But a meeting directory.

And I was like, no, thank you.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

No, I'm just kidding.

No, I'm just kidding.

You got my tissues.

Sorry.

Thank you, Enrique.

You're so kind.

On this, I did say I'm like an alcoholic.

And I said I was new and then I started crying

and they're like, yay, we can do it.

I had had a newcomer for a while.

So they're like, let's get her.

(mumbles)

And I appreciated that

because that's the unconditional love

that we get in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Like they didn't want anyone to go out that door

not feeling welcomed.

And I really appreciated that

because anytime I walked in the door

and I was a mess, her family would be like,

oh, here she is again.

Oh, who asked, who told her that to come?

I'm that friend where everybody's invited

and I accidentally find out and I show up

and they're like, oh, who told you?

That was the, I was, anyway.

They said, keep coming back.

And one little guy looked like a leprechaun.

His name was Ralph.

And I haven't seen him since.

But anyway, he had shocking red hair, green shirt.

And he was like, listen, kid,

you're gonna go to this meeting on Wednesday.

You're not gonna tell me no.

And the only reason why I did it

is 'cause he had a big bulbous nose

with the red vein going through it.

And I thought, I'm gonna look like that

if I keep drinking.

So where's your meeting?

And I didn't know you guys had meetings

like many days a week.

I thought there was only one on Sunday

and the one on Wednesday.

So from Sunday to Wednesday, I just waited till that meeting.

And I went, they were really nice.

And they told me to go to another meeting.

And then I met some women

and those women told me to go to this other meeting.

And then I started going to meetings

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, and on Sunday too.

And my sponsor lady was Tamra.

Tamra took me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

my first year out of the 12 and 12, and she was fabulous.

I mean, I was hanging on by a thread.

At 60 days, I thought I might drink

because I had to sniff vodka.

I didn't just know if it still smelled like vodka.

And I already knew where my ex-husband,

my husband at the time, I knew where he hid it

because that's just, we just know where it is.

It's like, oh, there it is.

And it's still smelled the same.

I called the lady.

If you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, call the people.

I called this lady and I told her that I had sniffed alcohol

and she's like, oh, no, no, no, we don't do that in AA.

I said, we don't?

I know we don't drink, but we don't sniff either.

No, no, we don't.

Who's your sponsor?

I said, you're the, I made this deal with God

that this is what I actually told her.

I'm gonna call all the women on the women's list,

the Friday women's list, and you're number 21

and nobody answered, so I figured if no one answers

then it's okay to drink 'cause I could always come back.

And she said, and then she answered the phone

so I was mad, so I couldn't drink.

And she said, no, we don't, we just don't,

you're not gonna drink today.

I said, oh, okay, and then I didn't.

And then it was inches and seconds, my sponsor always says.

I think Norm Alpe says that too, inches and seconds.

Seconds and inches, and my first year was rocky.

My ex-husband was used to me drinking

and being a drunk wife all the time.

And my kids were like, why are you here?

Like, I'd go see them in their room

'cause the AA lady's like, remember all your kids?

You should try to talk to them.

Like, oh, okay, how?

And she's like, just go in their room

and do what they're doing.

And I'm like, they're doing this

and their room smells like dirty socks.

And she's like, just sit down in there.

So I went in there and they're like, why are you here?

I knocked on the door and they're like, yes.

It was so funny.

Those boys, my oldest son and my two step sons,

they're both, the oldest ones are 37 now.

And the youngest one is 33 now.

And they're all married, they all have children.

That's how it started in my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My sponsor always says she has her dignity back

and she got her innocence back.

And that's my experience too.

It was only through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

and totally surrendering and sacrificing something

that was not working, drinking and using

and being a crazy chick out there and a party girl,

all that stuff that I was doing,

lying and cheating and trying to outrun my thinking

by drinking, I had to give all that up and sacrifice.

And it wasn't like a huge sacrifice.

Yes, it is a huge sacrifice.

Yes, it is.

But only looking back now,

it's nothing compared to the whole life that I have today.

Meaning I had to sacrifice something

that was completely not working.

And eventually I probably would have died or gone to jail

to get something better and the whole way of life,

the new way of life is sobriety, helping others,

freedom, happiness, joy, serenity, peacefulness,

no wrecked cars, no, I shouldn't say that.

I won't say that, that's not nice.

But nice people in my life and not mean ones.

Well, if they are, I'm sober enough to say thank you,

but no thank you, keep it moving.

So letting go and letting God

has led to this incredible life,

but it wasn't without sacrifice.

And I talked to someone about this too recently.

She's like, well, it's just so hard to let go.

I'm like, it's hard to let go of all your DUIs.

It's hard to let go of that boyfriend

that's beating the hell out of you.

That's a tough one, I remember mine.

What else is hard?

It's hard losing,

it's hard to let go of the job that you've been fired.

Yep, that's hard to let go.

And then she started laughing.

She's like, oh, I guess things aren't very good, are they?

I just had to laugh 'cause I felt the same way.

I remember I was telling my husband about alcoholics,

my husband at the time about Alcoholics Anonymous

and he's like, oh my gosh, honey,

I think I'm really concerned

because they're brainwashing you.

And yeah, you should tell someone.

And so I told my friend Rebecca in the Wednesday meeting,

I'm like, Rebecca, did you know that

my husband said that you guys are brainwashing me?

And she's like, yeah, we are.

It's true because your brain needs washing.

Oh, okay.

She's like, you're trying to change my whole life.

She's like, yeah, we are

because your life sucked before.

I was like, whoa, okay.

And it's like, she told me anything I said,

I said, all I do is cry, I'm so sad.

She's like, yeah, it's sad.

Your life is very sad.

And she said, and all things need water to grow,

so you're doing great.

And then I told her I had a year

and this lady became my sponsor.

And then I said, my husband, after I turned a year sober,

so this is why the big book says no human power

can relieve me of my alcoholism

and that I had to trust and rely upon God

and do the 12 steps.

'Cause my husband came to me at the time

and had a year and he said, I miss my old wife.

I miss my old life.

When can you drink, I guess, but not how you did drink.

So then I told on him to my women's meetings,

ladies, I reported him, oh, you should tell your sponsor.

I'm like, that's a great idea.

I should tell my sponsor too.

So I took my sponsor and my sponsor said,

oh, we sure are gonna miss him.

We got divorced, not because of that statement,

but I had to really work my program.

Now I'm in my second year with or without a family.

'Cause if I start drinking again,

I'm gonna lose my whole family anyway.

And we ended up not staying together.

And so we walked through all of that.

I say we, meaning the people in my support group,

my sobriety sisters, my sponsor, and most of all, God.

Talk a lot about God because my higher power

is the one that saves me all the time.

Higher power is the one who answers the call

no matter what time of day it is,

whether there's meetings or no meetings or phone people

or answering people or people or not.

People are great and I love the people in my life,

but I just know they cannot save me.

I have to go to a higher power.

My sponsor shows me the way out through the 12 steps.

But when I was, you know, not doing so well,

it was the higher power that I went to on my knees.

And I learned to say this prayer, God, please help me.

God, please save me from the obsession of self.

And then this prayer, these are not in the big book,

but the prayer like, God, please don't let anything

get in the way of my spiritual experience.

And I would just say that on my knees

until the urge to either drink or use somebody

or do something to myself or use something like food

or shopping or whatever it is.

And I would just stay there on my knees

because what I'm left with is after you take the drinking

and the drugs and the meth and the food and the this

and the that away, all that's left is me and my higher power

and how to get real close and get real clear

to that higher power about what it means to stay sober

and alcoholics anonymous one day at a time

for the rest of my life.

And what am I gonna do?

What kind of life do I wanna live?

Do I wanna be miserable in AA?

No, I wanna be happy, joyous and free.

So I had the opportunity to do the steps all over again.

And now I'm almost three years sober

and I had gotten divorced, had a new career, money,

this, that, boyfriends.

I got engaged a couple of times

to a couple of different people, not at the same time,

different and that wasn't it either.

I ran a marathon, went to Hawaii,

but I still felt like I'm not gonna make it in AA.

And this lady took me through all the 12 steps

out of the big book and she showed me the truth

about my alcoholism that just 'cause I'm sober

in the middle of AA doesn't mean I'm like completely safe

'cause the insanity came back

and I wasn't thinking about drinking,

but I was thinking if this doesn't get better

'cause I thought I had done everything in AA.

Meetings, commitments, working with others, doing all that,

but not have a spiritual experience.

I can't not, I'm not gonna make it.

It says I have to have a spiritual experience.

That's what it says in the big book and hadn't.

So she took me through all the 12 steps all the way through

and I got to really see the truth

about my alcoholism, drunk or sober.

I knew that I was powerless over Dr. Jekyll,

who I am when I'm drinking and using,

but I didn't know I was powerless over Ms. Hyde,

who I am sober.

Probably got that backwards,

but you'd think you know what I mean.

I didn't know I was powerless over the stuff

I was doing while sober,

like the whole engagement thing, engagements things.

That kind of stuff and it got real.

I was $68,000 in debt, had to pay all the money back,

had to sell my house, get rid of the cars, the convertible,

had to get rid of everything

because that stuff was blocking me

from the sunlight of the spirit.

I didn't know what I didn't know.

I didn't know I was blocked by

from the sunlight of the spirit.

I didn't know all those things I was doing

was walking me towards the drink.

I didn't know that I could have a complete

and total spiritual experience of my mind,

my body and my soul.

I didn't know that I could have peace and freedom

and that I didn't need to have money to be okay.

I didn't know that not having a husband or a boyfriend,

that I still had value because I'm a human being

and a spiritual being and I'm a beautiful child of God,

whole and complete, lacking nothing, needing no one.

I didn't know any of that.

And what I didn't know was hurting me.

I didn't know that I was trying to use things

that were less than God and that none of it

was going to work.

I didn't know that.

I'm glad I learned that because that kept me sober

long enough to go through all the 12 steps.

And that's just my experience.

Like other people in my experience,

I've seen in my observation,

they don't have to, they can do all those things

and they're still okay.

Maybe they're just hard drinkers or heavy drinkers,

but I couldn't, got kind of scary.

But what happened for me on step 11,

I was actively doing step nine, making all my amends,

paying all that money back,

making amends to everybody and everything.

And it was crazy.

And then I got to step 10

and then I started doing God dates with God, obviously.

God dates 'cause I wasn't dating anyone.

So that was kind of a shock.

And I was willing to do that.

And I was spending 6 p.m. to 12 a.m. on Friday nights

with a higher power.

That was my step 11.

So I was doing 10 and I was living in step 11.

That makes, I hope I didn't get that.

Anyway, that's what I was doing when all of a sudden

I went to this luncheon in Malibu

and all my sponsors' birthday party.

And my mind was still chattering,

the mind chatter, the obsession of the mind.

And then I crossed the threshold of the restaurant

and it just got removed, all that thinking.

And then it took me by surprise.

I thought, is that what they were talking about in meetings?

Is that what that means in the big moment?

Like this just stops and gets quiet

and I get to be in the moment

and seeing genuinely wanting to help others,

not in a selfish way because I need to help you

because I'm not gonna make it if I don't help you, not that.

Just, hey, everybody, did you know

that there's some promises in the big book?

And they're like, yeah, we know.

I was like, wow, we did it.

I knew they were in there,

but until I had the experience of them myself,

then it was real.

And that's what I've learned in my experience in AA,

like these things are real.

What they talk about in the big book,

like a spiritual experience of the white light variety

and the educational variety, those things are real.

The promises are real.

And I asked my sponsor at the time,

I go, wait a second, you mean I do everything in this book,

I'm gonna get this?

Yeah.

And I was halfway through paying all the money.

That still hurts.

I wanted to keep their money.

I wanted my their money.

And it was so hard.

You mean, thank you.

If I pay all this stuff, I'll have promises?

I'll have, she said, yeah, really?

And I thought, whoa, I said, do you promise?

She's like, well, yes, it's a promise.

I was like, whoa, you're guaranteeing me this?

She said, yes, if you do everything.

And I had to do everything.

And so that was many years ago.

That was 21 years ago.

And it's been like that ever since.

Nothing can take away that spiritual experience.

Nothing can take away the thing that just sits right here,

which is the higher power that always wanted to drink.

That part just got all filled up from the love of God

and it just stays there.

What it's like today is I got married to my best friend.

He's sober 12 years.

We've been together 10 years.

I was today at my oldest son

that I told you about, my 37 year old son.

He and his girlfriend are gonna be having a baby.

I'm gonna be a grandmother in December.

Life is completely different, that old life.

I guess I just needed to have that experience

so I could share it with all of you

and maybe help another woman or man.

And so what it's like is my higher power

goes with me everywhere.

I don't make excuses for my higher power.

I just, I have to just, oh,

I know what I wanna talk about.

I have to do what the higher power says.

He immediately, I have to obey that higher power.

So if I get thought about something or someone,

I have to call them or I have to text them like,

hey, I know it's weird.

You haven't heard from me, but you popped into my mind.

Here's a check.

So they'll call me.

And some people are like, oh my God,

I was just thinking of you.

And it gets like, woo.

It's not meant to be scary, but it gets like that.

I don't know what you call it, but that's what happens.

I guess it's called the intuitive thought or action.

That's what it's called in the big book.

So I take action on it.

I call it inspiration and I get inspired and I go do it.

And so, and that's what it's like today.

How much time we have?

So I got married and he's a wonderful man.

We started a family and this is the power of the 12 steps

and having a connection to a higher power.

We were starting a family

and I had been pregnant with twin girls

and I was five and a half months and I lost those girls.

We lost those girls.

I had terrible miscarriage

and we were in a hospital in Santa Monica

and I never turned my back on God.

I did not get mad at God.

I was just heartbroken as my husband was heartbroken

and all our friends and family, we were heartbroken.

And I just remember the moment that we were going through

in the hospital room that we just stopped.

My husband and I are so well-trained in alcoholics.

We just stopped and held hands and prayed

and the whole room got quiet.

I mean, there were eight other people there,

technicians and doctors and specialists.

And they were trying to save my life and their life.

And it just wasn't looking good.

And I just, we just prayed and the room got still.

And then we made it through that.

And I just remember it was very sad of course

'cause the grief is overwhelming.

I did not wanna turn my back on God

'cause it wasn't God's fault.

It was just something that happened.

And some things remain a mystery

and I guess I'll find out later or maybe I won't

but I have to be okay with that.

And having that connection to a higher power made it okay.

It wasn't what I wanted, but it made it okay.

And I did not have to drink and I did not have to use.

I did have to get out of bed sometimes

'cause my sponsor made me,

but I didn't have to do anything else.

I remember opening the curtain to the hospital room

and there was this beautiful rainbow outside of the window

and it was July, it was July 18th

and there was a beautiful rainbow.

And I said, okay, that's my sign from God

that everything's okay.

The girls are with their higher power.

So we said hello and goodbye that same day.

And then my husband and I,

we got to get really even more close

and even closer to our higher powers.

And what happened in one minute and 10 seconds

is that four years later,

we adopted a little boy and he's a gift from God.

His name is Matthew and he's the light and love of our lives.

And the whole thing just came about

by trusting and relying upon God.

I didn't know we were gonna have a little boy,

but I remember that inspired thought or action.

I told my husband, I have to quit working

'cause the baby's coming.

He's like, that's a good one.

(laughing)

He's like, what do you mean you're gonna quit working?

I'm like, the baby's coming, the baby's coming.

We've got to get ready.

That was on May 29th and he was born on July 29th.

So he came exactly 60 days later.

I left the house and we all spent time together

with my oldest son in Moorpark, California.

And we raced back here so I could be here with all of you.

And my oldest son and my littlest son,

they were hugging and playing.

And I thought, this is so funny.

One's 37 and one's four.

(laughing)

So if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous,

I hope you stay and thank you for letting me share.