Honesty, Lies, and the Path to Sobriety

it's a nice topic I like the idea of having a topic to speak on and and

honesty has been very important in my in my life my journey and sobriety my

sobriety date is July 8 2017 so I just got five years earlier this summer and I

can a speaking of honesty I can honestly say that getting sober and participating

in alcoholics anonymous was the best decision I ever made not not that I had

a ton of choice in the matter yeah because I had run out of other ways to

live I had done everything I could to avoid getting sober to avoid alcoholics

anonymous because I wanted to keep doing everything my way really didn't work

really didn't work and I'm just really lucky that I didn't die or get

imprisoned before before I could give up give up control and and be honest with

myself and come into alcoholics anonymous and give this a serious try I

since I don't know I know a few of you but there's many of you I don't know

I'll qualify a bit I was born in Los Angeles and born into a nice family

everything would would have been normal you know but everyone's got something in

their life not that any of this makes me an alcoholic I just say this so that if

any alcoholics have been through the same type of family upbringing that that

I we can relate probably have similar similar issues but my my father when I

was born was very sick so growing up from a young age that colored my

perception of what reality was I became a very pessimistic child very dark like

there is no meaning to all this we're all just gonna die in pain and you know

why bother as it was it was very strange to hear that from a five and six year

old but that that was me and you know that interestingly enough on the topic

of honesty you know I hear a lot in the rooms that the alcoholic behavior didn't

begin with alcohol alcohol was just the most effective thing to latch on to the

most effective of the our failed solutions but I had many for that and

the one that I can remember most vividly was lying I my mother told me in

preschool and if I got in one more fight I couldn't watch Teenage Mutant Ninja

Girls which at the time was my favorite thing in the whole world and I went to

school with every intention of not getting in another fight every intention

and I did and when I got home my mom asked me if I'd been in a fight and

something clicked I was for something clicked in my head she doesn't know she

doesn't know I can say I didn't she might never know so I did I did and it

worked and it turns out I have I would I'd like to say had but I'm sure it's

still there I have a natural talent for lying and that is because I will believe

it I will believe it there's sometimes I think you could have put me on a on a

polygraph and I would have believed it because I'm not only being dishonest

with you I'm being dishonest with myself and that comes into play in my

alcoholism and in my sobriety later well I'll circle back around to that um but

so that that was how it started it was it was lying it was overachievement it

was video games it was sports anything I could throw myself into to feel better

about myself because I have you know that low self-esteem and the big ego I

think I'm either the best or the worst or both simultaneously like I'm the best

but they're treating me like the worst maybe I'm the worst I don't know it's

complicated in there um and then you know by this point my father had long

since passed and my mom was doing a good job like objectively raising me but she

was dealing with a lot of grief she had developed a problem of her own like a an

alcoholic type problem of her own and no one really knew that and so looking back

there were some things that were just not not great and there is a family

history of alcoholism and in my family you know I didn't realize that people

didn't drink whiskey by the coffee mug because that's that's how people did it

in my family like a shot was a was a coffee mug it's like eight ounces it's

like eight shot but that was my my perspective of like that's normal like

my 80 pound grandmother you can drink that that's that's what a normal person

drinks come to find out that's not that's not true but at some point I I

was introduced to alcohol and a bunch of other things that I use alcoholically

but you know alcoholics anonymous keep it keep it on topic and man it was it

was great everyone in a has that moment with at a point in time we thought

alcohol was it we thought alcohol would do for us everything that we always want

it it would enable us to do everything we never thought we could it made me

confident it made me outgoing it gave me a sense of ease I didn't feel that the

world was like a harsh unfair place when I was drinking I was able to and I was

able to connect with other people I didn't have to worry about the low self

esteem in the high ego you know you have a couple drinks we're all just friends

you know I was good good friends and it was fun at first you know as it as it

often is the the saying is it's it's fun and then it's fun with problems and that

it's just problems and I went through those stages really quickly because I'm

an all-in type person when I find something that is my solution you know I

have an all-time problem I need an all the time solution you know my my my

alcoholism didn't take any time off I didn't have any hours of reprieve in the

day so I needed alcohol at all times and you know the consequences came pretty

quickly I I essentially dropped out of school never graduated high school as a

matter of fact started getting arrested as soon as I turned 18 nothing serious

thank God because I was always really good at chickening out when it when it

came time for really bad stuff to happen you know I was I was around for the

shenanigans and then I would just be like all right guys time I I have a

thing I would leave before before more serious stuff started happening most of

the time or any of the times it mattered and I it just progressed like that and

then so I started using alcohol to change the way I felt inside when I was

about 12 I didn't get sober until I was five days before my 28 birthday and in

the meantime I did not draw one sober breath wasn't always just alcohol I was

a equal opportunity offender but I was never sober in that time never not for

one second so at the time I got sober my alcoholic life was literally most of

what I had known most of the time I'd spent on this planet I've been under the

influence and the time that I wasn't I was wishing that I was you know like

before that they I've heard the joke for you know I just needed a drink from the

time I was two in time I gained consciousness I needed to drink so that

was my whole perspective on like what life was uh and before I got sober what

the incident that got me sober I I thought or I should say I deluded myself

into thinking that I was gonna die the way my father did which is not

necessarily true like what he had was rare and it's not necessarily genetic I

also didn't get tested for it anyway because I was like I already know I

already know my tragic story um and so I thought I was gonna die so I was like

well if I'm gonna die by 30 I'm 28 like what's really the point here you can

just run this out um and so for about five or six years it was like the movie

Groundhog Day I lived the same day over and over again and I didn't like it but

I didn't think that there was anything better and part of that is where the

dishonesty comes into play I was I was lying to myself because hey I was saying

that alcohol was not the problem that life was the problem that the world was

the problem that x y & z was the problem that you were the problem wasn't the

alcohol that was really dishonest that was delusional I was telling myself all

these stories about why I couldn't do anything better I just wasn't capable I

couldn't live without the alcohol didn't want to but I never actually tried so I

was acting like I had exhausted all the options available to me but I hadn't and

that kind of delusion kept me going for a long time I told myself that I didn't

have a problem told myself that there wasn't a solution and I told myself that

there wasn't anything worthwhile to gain from being sober those are all three

were lies that I told myself it was my dishonesty in my active addiction and I

had a girlfriend at the time and she couldn't take it anymore she said that

she was gonna kill herself if we didn't try and do something and as much as I

hated the way I was living I knew it would be worse if I was alone so I was I

said we can go to treatment I had no intention of saying so I was just trying

to buy a little more time so I went and that's when that's when the miracle

started happening was I I went and it was it was really tough you know

physically and emotionally it was really tough that I think we all we fucking

vouch for that those first few hours those first few days is you know really

as bad as as bad as a human being can feel I remember so vividly that I had

every reason to want to give up I didn't even go in telling myself that I was

gonna stay sober but after I had a day I was like I can do a little more I can do

a little more and that was being honest with myself you know I could take it a

little longer and that I said that over and over again now I'm still very

stubborn so I didn't do what was advised to me I did a few days in a treatment

center and then just decided to go home no no plan no anything no sponsor no

network no it anything and I was also bringing it back to the topic very

dishonest cuz I don't know what exactly I was telling myself back then but it

was I was definitely lying to myself if I said I got this I was lying to myself

if I said you know I don't need a if I said I have a better idea like all these

things were total lies so it's by the grace of God that I made it through that

period where I was still unwilling to take any help take any direction but

thankfully that didn't that period didn't last very long so when I got out

I remember I remember that the one one thing that I I think I had felt my entire

life was a kind of shame for one thing or another it was shame for all the lies

I was telling as a kid it was a shame for all the things I was hiding it was a

shame for all the lies I was telling myself was shame for all that potential

that I wasted it was shame for all all the times I drank when I said I wouldn't

you know that was that was the most that was what I remember the most about the

last years in my alcoholism was I was taking one drink just to wash away the

shame the last one that was all I was doing that's a never-ending cycle never

goes away um but I remember when I got sober I would close my eyes at night and

I didn't feel that because I was the first time I could remember not feeling

ashamed of myself and what I'd done that day now I wasn't exactly proud of myself

either I didn't have any reason yet to feel that emotion but just the no shame

was enough to keep me around for a little while and eventually I made a

smart decision and I had some friends who were doing AA and I I decided you

know what can it hurt and step one I think I mean honesty runs through all

the steps but step one I think is the most honesty is the most important

component of step one because if you're admitting to yourself that you've become

powerless you know you are admitting that you are an alcoholic essential and

alcoholics don't want to do that I don't know why that is there's such an

interesting phenomenon of this disease you never see a cancer patient who's

like no definitely not not me I wouldn't have cancer definitely not scan lies

because all the objective evidence is there you look at any one of our

personal stories anyone who knew us at the time would be like oh absolutely

absolutely you were an alcoholic no one else was no one else was unsure how were

we and that is important because once you admit that you're an alcoholic then

you put yourself in the position to take the steps the 12 steps and and just in

general you take action to treat the disease you know imagine if if you did

have cancer and you said I don't then you wouldn't do chemo then you wouldn't

do this then you wouldn't do any of this stuff and then the disease would win the

same thing with alcoholics anonymous if you lie to yourself tell yourself that

you don't have it or that you don't need treatment you won't do it and the

disease wins and what I think is even more important than being honest with

yourself the first time because I think that honesty can be gradual for some

people like I don't remember that I fully grasp the magnitude and fully

believed that I was an alcoholic and that I was one of you and that these

steps were for me um yeah when I took that step I came to believe it the

longer I stuck around the more steps that work but it's even more important

as you stay sober because you know you work the steps in order but you can kind

of work them backwards too you know you stop being of service stop praying and

meditating stop taking daily inventory building up little resentments start you

know taking actions that you're gonna have to make amends for but you don't

you know your character defects all come up you know and you're just a ball of

resentments and you lose your connection with God and then eventually you're drunk

again but that last step the first step is also like the emergency break on on

your program because I've never met anyone who went back out who didn't tell

themselves some kind of lie I'm not an alcoholic it was a phase I can drink

normally I won't I won't drink but I'm just gonna smoke pot or all these other

things people tell themselves it'll be different this time just one more time

no one's gonna know it's not gonna be a big deal you know I could go on ad

nauseum you can there's a million lives people tell themselves and the people

who are who stare stick around you know your friends we've all seen it with

people who've gone out and are like oh man you know he's gonna regret that you

know you know once because once you're once you're one of us there's no going

back um and so as long as you keep that recognition that you are an alcoholic

and you can't tell yourself those lies and tell yourself you don't have this

disease I've never seen anyone go out who has kept hold of that this just

wouldn't make sense um I guess I'm about about done with my time I hope I said

something that that resonated with someone.