Jessica's 18-Year Sobriety Journey: Trauma, Pills, and Finding Belonging

My name is Jessica and I'm an alcoholic and I just need a minute just to kind of look

at all of you guys and gather my thoughts and be present in the moment and just to remember

to bring God into this message.

By the grace of God, I am sober.

Since December 1st, 2005, in December I'll be 18 years and I don't know how that happened.

When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't think I belonged here.

I was one of those people that thought, you know, high bottom, came from another group,

another program, and I thought, I don't really belong here.

You know, I started hearing your messages and I started to think, why do I feel like

you do?

You know, and it's just, so two days ago I buried my best friend and I'm grateful to

be in a room full of alcoholics because, you know, the reason I stopped drinking, I mean,

I drank, was because I didn't want to feel.

And I'm a good runner even in Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm so good at, like, trying to run away from

my feelings, though it's just what it was like, what happened, what it's like now.

It doesn't matter if I, you know, you come from low, low bottom, you come from high,

high, high bottom, right, like, I wasn't one of those.

I was not a drinker on a daily basis, you know, it's an outside issue, but pills were

a part of my life and they just took the edge off.

If I think about it right now, I'm like, oh, they just really did.

I used to hate when I would walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and people would,

I thought they were romanticizing the alcohol or they're, you know, talking about their

alcoholism and what it was like.

When I get really nervous, I get sketchy, right, like, I feel like, oh my God, am I

gonna stutter, and that may happen, you guys, and I'm learning to accept myself as I am.

I do have a lot of trauma, that's part of the reason why, you know, you get sober and

all of this stuff comes up, right, and you're like, wait a minute, I'm sobering out, I'm

not drinking or anything, I have so much time, I should feel at ease, right.

A lot of the times I do feel happy, you know, I'm not edgy all the time, but it takes a

long time to clear the wreckage of my past.

That's what it was like when I was a kid, I was a foreigner, I came to this country

when I was nine years old, I only spoke Spanish, and that was the first time I felt different,

like, you know, and I'm sure I felt awkward and different all the time when I was a kid,

but, you know, it just like magnified it for me.

I hung out with other people as a kid that looked like me, but they knew English and

they laughed at me, you know, and it made me, that was the beginning of feeling shame,

and I don't know why I'm so emotional, I'm sure, because it's just all in my face.

And I know, by the way, I didn't do emotions when I first came here, I'm a tough cookie,

I grew up in the projects, I saw a lot of people get killed, I mean, you know, you name

it, there was gangs, there was violence, you name it, right, you know, they talk about

in Alcoholics Anonymous that we clean up really well, really well, and you know, Sean, thank

you so much for your share from where you come from, because that is exactly what it

was like in my household.

My brother was a drug dealer at 12 years old, my parents, my mom was working, and we just

kind of grew up, you know, we were just like those wild children, like running around trying

to figure it out, we fed ourselves as we could, my mom was a good mom, she worked really hard.

I worked through all of my inventory work, about my resemblance towards my parents, and

I'm in the middle of working on an immense for my dad, and as a kid, my dad molested

me for many years, and it really impacted my life, and impacted the way that I felt

about myself, I had low self-worth, low self-esteem, and I needed to have a protective, and now

I know that, like, I remember when he passed away, that it was the first time that I, oh

my god, and this is throughout, like, doing step work, right, throughout, getting outside

help, right, part of my reason for stuttering, that's part of my reason for feeling a little

bit of anxiety, and I'm telling you this, you know, like, not for you guys to think

like, oh, poor me, right, like, it's so you guys can know that you can get through anything,

right, like, alcohol worked for me, and it worked really well, right, and I had no idea

that it worked so well, because what it did, it quiet my head, I remember, I love, I'm

gonna go all over the place, and that's gonna be okay, I'm accepting myself as I am right

now, right, and I realized, like, you know, when I became a teenager in my 18th, 19th,

20th, thank god that, you know, there is a god, right, like, I found a god in this room,

that there is a god, thank god that I didn't remember any of my trauma, like, I just, I

just like going through life until in my 20s and then I'm like oh my god this is what's happening

right and so um it was a lot to live in that type of environment it was a lot to not have the parents

I needed to have and then I know that and I know how to like take care of myself you guys taught me

that if my mom didn't teach me how to make my bed guess what you guys taught me that when I came to

Alcoholics Anonymous you said like you brush your teeth right you said you said okay you make your

bed oh you're anxious okay that's what you do I remember the day I met my sponsor and she said

and I told her I said I don't think I can leave alcohol but I don't think I can leave the pills

and I remember when I came to A somebody told me you don't belong here because you may belong in

in another program because because you're you're taking pills and I was like oh god and I was so

afraid you guys that I stayed in A regardless of what that person said because Alcoholics Anonymous

had saved my life it has saved my life I am so grateful that I'm here with you guys in this

moment that I had an amazing plan for me to be here when I'm in so much pain because I don't do

well with this grief you know Alcoholics Anonymous I was going to all the conventions I was going to

all the watches um I got sober in in the Downey group and then I went to the Pacific group and

the Pacific group is my group today and I am forever grateful for that group because it's

giving me structure and it's giving me um it's giving me exactly what I need you know there's

a Friday woman's stag meeting that talks about you know problems and solutions when I was first

knew I hated that I was like what don't and you know why I hated it because don't tell me what

to do like you're trying to tell me what to do now I don't want to listen to you right and that's just

alcoholism right except I'm going to be all over the place but it's okay so um this Friday this

Friday meeting they talked about um the problems and solutions and you know what I get a lot of

solutions in this meeting and you know what I don't feel like I'm a part of you and by the way

for a long time because of course I was in the pink cloud and then the two years three years four

years I'm like oh there's a lot of resemblance against you people you know I was like uh like

you're doing this you're doing that I don't like you for that right like it was just like I was in

the playground with you guys and I didn't like to play with you you know it was just it was just

no longer fun it was no longer fun I had done enough in Alcoholics Anonymous without finishing

my steps meaning yes I was running around with everyone and we were having a lot of fun there

were so many dances and by the way I love dancing going back when I was drinking I love going to

clubs and I love dancing and it was fun and it was my way to escape um I'll tell you when that

happened I'll tell you two stories there was one story we went to this club and um it was it was

fun because there was alcohol and there was dancing and there was men so I was like great

right because I didn't care I just felt so empty inside I I just felt um so lonely alcohol alcohol

really helped me to feel alive it helped me to connect with you I remember when I you know when

I took the drink and then I thought oh my god everyone likes me I am the you know just the life

of the party and uh it was fun for a long time until it wasn't at the end I was everyone else

who was around me were partying and I wasn't partying anymore I was in my living room trying

to enjoy and control my drinking I was um I went we went to Vegas one time and I didn't want to

drink you guys I really didn't want to drink and my friend said come on just have a drink

and I drank and I had a little kid and I had my mom and she was my sitter and guess what my parents

much as damaged as they did they were trying to make up and I know about that guilt because I did

the same thing to my kid what I did I was very abusive towards them and I was just full of rage

and my mom was a rager you know and I thought but it's her fault never taking responsibility

alcoholics anonymous taught me how to be responsible taught me how to take responsibility

for my action and you know what who wants to take responsibility right but that doesn't matter

because I felt so much guilt and so much shame and what happens when I finally started to work the

steps and got into the 12th step right it's the best of my ability that that guilt ship shipped

away shipped away and um I mean there's there's just so much history in 17 years it's amazing I

know some people in my program that have 35 40 50 years right but I'm grateful that I'm here

with you guys I just need a little moment I'm centering I'm coming so those kids are grown I

have three one of them is 30 years old the other one 35 and the other one 21 and the one who was

21 I went to AA and I she came to AA with me all the time and I don't know how you did it because

she was five years old and I'm so grateful because she has never seen me drink she has never seen me

take a pill she has not as an adult has seen me rage I don't rage anymore I don't know how I get

I feel the anger because I feel the grief right now but I don't take it

people and I have no idea how that happens not without this program if I'm not here with you

I'll go ahead and take it out on anyone my older daughter she was the receiver of all

all of my rage and she's a wonderful kid you know I'm really blessed I have some amazing children

you know they're pretty well I don't know how to say this but they're they they they're doing so

well right they're doing so well and um I believe because there's a God in their life but also

because I have made those amends you know the amends I wanted to have for my parents the amends

that I wanted I wanted my mom to tell me how proud she is of me I wanted my mom to show up to my

graduation and I can understand why and those were my resentments right my resentment was like why

didn't you protect me from my dad why didn't you do this why didn't you do that right and uh my

sponsor asked me ask her how was her childhood what was her life like she said how do you find

for how do you find forgiveness and it was through the steps with when I was in the eighth step that

it was like how can I do that how can I how can I make those amends I was still holding on to the

resentment um I saw my dad beat my my brother at 12 years old and he gave him a black guy and the

homies out there were making fun of him and he's an alcoholic today and I believe that that was the

reason why um he almost died from alcoholism and he's been in rehab three times and he's still not

sober you know and this is what this disease does and I don't know why me I don't know why I'm here

well why am I here you know sponsor going back I sponsor a lot of women and um and then I I started

to focus on you on that resentment right I started to focus on you I I didn't clean um my side of the

street my parents yet I was stuck on that eighth step for a long time I started changing from group

to group and then because you did it wrong something happened with you that I was like no

you know I don't belong here I don't belong here I don't belong here and it was the perfect way for

me I'm out of Alcoholics Anonymous so I became suicidal because all the memories all the thoughts

everything especially during the pandemic everything just like was in my head and I wasn't

doing Alcoholics Anonymous because guess what it's it's you know it's through zoom I had a bunch of

reasons before I had already done some damages um the friends that there were four four of us who

got sober at the same time two of them went out it's just two of us left and um one of them was

pissed because I was very petty and I know now I know now why because I was a big victim I was like

what do you mean what do you like didn't you know how how nice I am don't you know how kind I am you

know why are you doing this to me and she basically said to me she's like you're vicious and you're

this and you're that and I had done some things that now I understand and how do I understand

that because I did the steps again because I finally surrendered because I was so lonely

to the point that I had alienated everyone they talk about in the big book about the

bedevelments right at work nobody wanted to really be around me and I didn't want to be around anyone

and my husband and I were not getting along and it was bad my older daughter I hadn't all of this

stuff came up for her all the memories she needed to have all the anger she needed to have I didn't

have a good relationship with her and she didn't want to have much to do with me um all of my people

in AA were gone and I didn't have a sponsor so I'm all alone you guys I'm ready to bounce and I'm

suicidal because I know that drink won't help but how do I kill myself and before the pandemic my

mom died and there was unfinished business I don't know about you guys but unfinished business sucks

it really is the most painful thing when you're when both of my parents had died and I remember

my sponsor and my dad died she said you have unfinished business that's why you feel the way

that you feel right and I didn't know that I didn't know that I needed to say the things I

needed to say to my parents and my parents needed to say the things that they needed to say to me

because I was selfish and self-centered and dishonest just like the big book talks about

right it's about me me me me me me me me me me since I was a kid what about me and I didn't

understand that and now I'm 40 something years and I'm like oh my god it's still about me and

guess what I'm lonely I'm lonely because doesn't that what isn't that what it says he talked on

Sean talked about depression the depression set in it's my norm I read it I read I don't know if you

guys read this but there is a big book and there's also this other book that's called the um the soul

of sponsorship where Bill Wilson talks about how he was depressed for a long time and how he had

to get out of bed he had to take one step and another step and another step to get out of his

house and when I read the big book I thought what's wrong with me how come I'm not having

that spiritual awakening I'm over 10 years of sobriety and I want to kill myself and by the way

I did me I had a friend in AA who killed himself and he hung himself and I was like whoa why why

alcoholism is real and it's not about the drink or about what we put in our body it's about when we

get sober and the solutions are in the steps and having the willingness I don't even know honestly

one of the things that happened for me is that I found God throughout this journey right it was

like okay uh I'm lonely nobody cares about me I'm in a victim mode um I'm pushing people away I'm a

runner and I realized that but I don't really really know that until I did some step work

which was in this year I did the step work with a sponsor and that sponsor was like oh no no no no

we're gonna do the steps are you are you done with your fourth step okay let's read it are you

done with your fifth step we're done with your fifth step okay now we know what the problem is

she's like okay here's your deck your character defect all right now we're moving to the eighth

step okay so now you guys I'm doing the steps and so now I'm doing my immense so how do I find out

bless you how do I find out that um that I'm selfish and self-centered and dishonest even

and all even when I am sober and I'm going out there in the world and I don't understand why

you hate me and I don't realize that I hate myself and um so I start going back to AA I get a sponsor

I get busy and I'm in this sense of desperation I don't care what you want me to do whatever it is

that you want me to do I'll do it right and now I I realize I've been abandoning myself if I don't

show up to alcoholics anonymous I'm abandoning myself I'm doing hard to myself and I remember my

sponsor told me that because I was like well nobody really likes me I don't have any friends

you know I I'm not playing well in the playground so why do like what's the purpose me me me me what

can I get from you right you guys all of these years I was under the radar I thought right I

wasn't hurting anyone else except myself I didn't realize that having a little job here in alcoholics

anonymous was going to give me self-esteem I didn't realize that it was going to take me out

there and I was going to be of service to someone else automatically because you taught me that I

have so much relief and I'm super grateful that I surrender one more time I found that God of my

understanding the God that I was mad at because I'm like how dare you give me a father like this

you know why because that father I love I love my dad I love my mom they were my parents and it was

really hard to understand why when I stopped thinking about the why and found some kind of

forgiveness not just for them what was my part in this with my parents I ignored I I did there's

nothing worse I don't know about you guys but when someone ignores you and you're an alcoholic

it hurts you know you feel so rejected that it's like oh I don't like that I don't like when

you're not looking at me I don't like when you're not paying attention to me you know because it's

all about me right I'm not asking you about you I'm not really interested in you right so that's

exactly what I did with my parents I mean it doesn't matter I did it with them I'm gonna do

it with the rest of the people right so um with my parents um when my mom was passing away I was

I was barely scratching the surface I hadn't done step work and I remember my mom said you are

different and something has shifted it neat long enough for her to see it but then I went back

to my to myself like it's like I can't think of the word but I it was just like I'm too scared

it's all about me blaming it that I don't have the right sponsor to tell me exactly what to do

I mean that could have been true right because I I need you guys to tell me to give me direction

sometimes right because I don't know I'm coming from a child-like experience I guess if that's

what you want to call it so when my mom passed away um I wanted to die that's when when it all

happened I was like oh my god I want to die and I didn't know why it's because I had so much guilt

because I couldn't be present because it was about me one more time because why was it I the one to

make decisions for her why was I the one to why why why why why right so um when I started doing

the steps again I realized that I was the runner somebody was and it made it so light that I

understood because when I did the steps I was like oh I get it okay so when my so by the way um my

when my dad died I knew he was um but it it really did affect me um because they made it safe enough

to remember everything and it made it safe enough for me to to just get the help I needed and I got

it you know and the recovery has been amazing it's gonna be a long life recovery just like alcoholics

anonymous but I'm super grateful for that um so when he died that that's what happened the next

thing that happened was um my ex-husband was one of us he uh alcoholism and drug addiction took him

and um he's oh this is hard for me to talk about um he ended up going to jail a couple times like

we hear here in alcoholics anonymous and he was deported and when he got deported he ended up in

a small town he thought it was just as easy to get drugs there as it was here and he ended up getting

killed by the cartels and my children suffer from that they were devastated because um they heard

the whole story about how they they made an example of him and if you thought that that that was even

possible but alcohol alcoholism and drug addiction takes us to all kinds of places and that was really

devastating for me it it affects everyone around us you guys it affected my kids like you don't know

my my my younger daughter was 12 11 or 12 and when she you know everyone was talking about it

all the other kids so they told her how he died and you can never protect your children from

addiction from alcoholism they will take us down and thank god that she had a sober mom right um

until this day she says i can't have a boyfriend i can't i can't there's there's something there

that blocks me because i still remember my daddy you know and uh so i'm bringing this up to you

guys because maybe someone's in here that needed to hear that you know that the people you mostly

love we take them with us we can take them with sobriety right spirituality or we could take them

with the disease you know um so that was really hard it it was just like every year i had a death

for about five or six years i don't even remember how long but the second death was a fancy that i

had for eight years and she was like my bestie we were back together at a meeting we did everything

she died suddenly from meningitis she was a teacher and she was on the news and it was just

a big deal and i was in shock and i don't do well with death you guys not sober but i i've learned

that with god i can do anything and with you guys today then when she died i was like i can't i can't

handle the emotions i don't know that's that's what i was doing i was running so i ran away from

that home group i never went back to that friday night meeting i left right and it impacted me so

much that i was like i can't connect with women anymore it's too scary subconsciously i mean we

do this subconsciously right and i was like okay i can't do this i can't do this and um then my mom

died and i was like okay god that's a lot yeah i can't do this anymore that brought me to the

journey that i am right now the journey that i am right now is that i have an amazing sponsor that

i and i have an amazing home group and an amazing god and i believe in god like i never believed

before so it took me a long time but i'm super grateful for that why because when you failed me

i know god's there for me right and when i feel like i used to feel like i was a piece of crap

when i feel like i'm that person right with all the messages all the negative thoughts all the

criticisms oh my god you did that wrong you didn't speak this way whatever it was you know that i'm

hearing about myself i know today that i am a loving human being just like all of you guys

and i know that when i'm judging you i'm judging myself and i know that when you have an issue with

me or you judging yourself or you're judging me or i think you're judging me whatever it is right

that it's your problem and that i found through alcoholics anonymous because otherwise i want to

fight with every single one right every and most of it is in my head i won't tell you because i'm

going to be really nice hello how are you right but no no no no so that happened um so i i did

the steps and i'm in my eight step and um i found out so my my friend calls me oh let's backtrack

so when my ex-husband was deported in mexico and and all of that happened before that i i blocked

them from anything i was like i'm blocking him for facebook you know i i felt better than i'm

better than you i'm sober and you're still doing this stuff right this is alcoholism you guys it's

sensors in my mind all right i take everything else it's in here i'm over here no no no i don't

want to deal with you what i didn't understand is that i was i was running from the feelings

right i cared about that person he had been in my life forever right but i learned how to run since

i was a kid i learned how to run i had been a runner for a long time if you do me wrong

i'm gonna cut you off i don't know that i'm cutting you off because i'm just going i'm

just going i'm just living life without even knowing i actually i'm not living life i'm just

doing um so i'm doing the my step work and i'm like oh there there he is all right and then the

next person um so then my husband if i get mad at him i'm like i'm not gonna talk to you anymore oh

you're not talking to me we're not talking to each other right he has 35 years of sobriety too right

like we're both sober and um and it's painful because it's alcoholism it's the disease that's

center in my mind perfect it's the disease that's center in my mind and uh i don't know it and it's

painful and very lonely this is what i'm talking about when i don't you know i feel like everyone

hates me at work i feel like my kids don't want to be around me i don't like my husband much he

obviously doesn't like me much you know i don't have alcoholics anonymous i don't have friends

it's still thinking about me and i'm dying and i don't want to live and i have all this shame and

all this guilt and i don't know why so i finally you know i hear someone speak that i know in aaa

and i'm like can you sponsor me please and she didn't even tell me you need to go to this meeting

you need to do that she just said what meetings do you want to go to and i'm like i'll go to the

Wednesday night pacific group meeting i'll go to the friday i'll go to the saturday you know like

i'm just gonna do it and this is how alcoholism works even in sobriety a week later i'm like i

don't want to do that i don't i'm like why did i think that why do i i feel better i felt better

that's what it was i felt better momentarily so then she starts doing some things you know after

i'm going to that meeting i'm looking around i'm doing the same thing i did in every other meeting

i'm looking at you what can i get from you why aren't you my friend i thought alcoholics anonymous

is supposed to help the other person how come you're not helping me why aren't you reaching out

and giving me your hand and saying hello welcome or why aren't you opening up you know your arms or

your groove so you can tell me like like you know i'm valuable and i'm worth it and you like me

like you know all of this stuff right she's laughing um because that's what we do earlier

today someone from aa called me and she's like what did i do how come i'm not part of the group

and i was like welcome to alcoholism i say but there's a solution right and she goes i know you

have experience with that and it's because i'm transparent you guys i'm telling you this is how

alcoholism works i used to have a lot of shame and that shame is what kept me away from you

the fact that i wouldn't i couldn't tell you like i feel like i was weak like if i told you i need

you please don't ignore me i don't like it i don't like being rejected this is what it looks like to

me in my head it's not rejection and 99 of the time you guys are thinking of yourselves you know

and that's what i found out i'm like 99 of the time i'm thinking of myself too so i was you know

i started to get respectful and i was like ah nobody likes me i don't like to be here here we

go again um and it's my own head that's telling me you know what if you could only be funnier like

that person and the jealousy all of the character defense stars right so then i'm like nah i don't

know what she said to me and i was like you're done you're done so i'm like mustering you know

just mustering mustering the um the courage i don't want you to be my sponsor anymore thank

you so much i'm running you know and she knew i was a runner because i had told her and then

i met my match i met the sponsor who said oh no no no no no where are you oh no no no what step

are you on and i'm super grateful because god stepped in and here's how when we did the steps

when we did the step work we got to i think god she didn't criticize me or judge me right my mom

is very critical so in my in my head is like oh i hear her voices and uh in the comparison and despair

those are one of my biggest character defects i have to pray to god please sometimes just please

please please shut this head off right and it's moments like this when i'm with you guys and i

hear you and i hear your message that i'm like i belong because i have a sense of belonging i need

to belong somewhere where i'm understood where i can understand you yes i understand what you're

saying because it's me you are me so i wrote down um i wrote down all of my inventory we we read it

and when she gave me my character defects but she also said oh here here's the immense you're doing

this and this and this and that and we started we started writing them and the immense that i've done

so far is my mom's cement i went to the cemetery i made the immense just uh on today's saturday

yesterday i made those demands and i cried and i really meant it and i said it and what happened is

that i work at a hospital my mom died at that hospital so i kept going to that same place over

and over and over and over again and i started building resentment with the physicians and with

the place that i work and that is the worst thing to feel when you have a lot of guilt i had a lot of

guilt and what happened when i made those immense the guilt separated and it wasn't even when i made

them when i wrote them down when i wrote them down with my sponsor so when i wrote them down i went

to that hospital and by the way those people and the the my co-workers are my friends now so how

does that happen right my relationship with my daughter is so much better we had a heart-to-heart

conversation right my relationship with my husband touch and go you know marriages are hard right um

my i have nine sponces in such a short amount of time and it's because i'm loving and i'm

crying and i just tell them my experience and when they're hurting i don't beat them down when

they're hurting i pick them up and you know what when i used to hurt and you were hurting i was like

good i'm glad you're hurting because i am too you know and the fact is that how does that work i am

forever ever grateful the last thing i can tell you guys is that time up the last thing i can tell

you guys is that um this friend that died i also cut him off i cut him off a year ago for something

really petty and i had when i met him uh over 20 years ago we were working together and i stole

money from that company and um i had that's what i'm telling you like i had i had done the steps

and i'm like yeah i'm in my ninth step but i wasn't doing anything i was moving from sponsor

to sponsor from group home group to home group so what happened is um his sister texted me and said

hey jose passed away and you know the manager from that place we both worked at was there and

i was like oh i gotta tell my sponsor because jose would say hey you know so and so said that you

stole money but i don't believe it i wouldn't say yes or no and this was before sobriety this was in

sobriety right and so i i basically just really felt that shame in that remorse so what happened

was i i talked to my sponsor and she said okay what was the amount it came out with the amount

and she said oh that's a lot of money and i said well i'm willing to do whatever in the moment

afterwards i was like no i'm not i don't want to pay this money that's a lot of money but anyway

what i did is i um i called his sister and she she asked me in high regard and i told her i said

i want to make the amends i'm in this program and this is what what's going on and um she said she

said she was baffled she goes i don't know what you're talking about and then later on she said

to me she said i'll get back to you i'm gonna tell all my siblings about it and then i was like no

don't tell your siblings just you and so she did she called me the next day and she said we're

willing to take it and i said this is the amount of money i want to give you and she said that was

the money for his tombstone and how does that this is 20 years later and then i don't like to show up

to funerals because i don't like to feel and i showed up to the funeral on friday and to the

viewing on thursday and it was painful and i was a moment i felt dissociated but today i feel relief

because i closed that chapter in my life because of alcohol is anonymous and i am super grateful

for that because i have an amazing relationship with god with my children and i have an amazing

relationship with alcohol is anonymous and with everyone else and mostly i have an amazing

relationship with me and the peace that i have inside i could never ever experience it in any

other way thank you guys all do that