Finding Fill in the Gaps: From Childhood Insecurity to Alcohol Use

She's still will drink from time to time, but she doesn't drink alcoholically and and for a long time

I used to say my stepfather was a heavy drinker

potentially potential alcoholic, but then he came to a

He's alcoholic

But as a kid, I always hated my name. I thought Ben was a wussy's name

It seemed to me that everybody was cooler than I always named Mike, you know

So we would play cops and robbers or Cowboys and Indians

I just go, you know, call me Mike just call me Mike and they call me Mike for a little while

They screwed up and I get pissed off and when I was about seven years old

My brother was born and they named him Mike and I always hated that little bastard

And I just I had this discontent this feeling like things were not quite right. I

You know, I would whatever you had I would think if I had that it would make me feel better

You know

And I think if I got that hat everything would be okay and I would get that hat or one like it

It filled this hole for a short period of time the hole would open up again

I think if I got that bike if I got that bike everything would be okay and and

And it would fill up that hole for a short period

I'm just creating this vicious cycle of trying to find something outside myself to make me feel better on the inside and

You know and if I'm not careful today that can still be a problem

my my friend says my my

my well-being

Has a lot to do with how many Amazon boxes show up at my doorstep?

You know if I'm sitting on my couch going I need I need I need you know, but I

Maybe I

had that discontent and

You know, but from the outside perspective it probably didn't appear that way

From the outside perspective people would say, you know, everyone likes you you have plenty of friends

It was wasn't hard for me to get friends. I just didn't feel like it. You know, I just didn't feel like that and

when I was about 10 years old, my father my stepfather had a job opportunity down in Huntington Beach and

he said how'd you like to move down to California as if I had a choice and

work were

Six months later in a moving van and driving down it

I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to get together. I thought I'm gonna be a guest appearance on The Simpsons when it isn't

It's gonna be great. And you know, I just couldn't wait and we're driving down the

Hollywood sign I think this is it, you know, and we drive another 45 minutes to an hour

two hours

there's traffic to Huntington Beach and I

would I realized I wasn't going to be making it to

Hollywood on my bicycle and and it's funny is my first friend in California was this kid named John and John had just been in a

Hot Wheels commercial and you know, and I hated I secretly hated him

And but I wanted to be friends with him because he was in the Hot Wheels commercial

maybe you could get me in but I didn't like him very much and

as I

moved a couple more times and I

Remember being in elementary school right before going into junior high and and I were in this parent-teacher conference and you know

You hear a lot of people. There's a lot of people with potential in a you know, and

She did not say that I had potential. She said, you know, you might want to think about a

trade but I

I

went into junior high and

You know, hey, I barely graduated junior high normally here

I barely graduated high school or barely graduated college

But I'm an overachiever when it comes to being a loser and I barely graduated junior high and that summer

Is that my friend's house and my all my friends been drinking by this point? I always told myself

I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to be like my father. I'm not gonna be like my grandfather

I knew that it was alcohol that made them live the way that they lived in

this thing happens when you're excited to do something for me that makes me excited and I forgot about all that stuff and

waiting for these 40s and Mickey's to show up and they show up around 1050 and I have to be home at 11 and my

friend takes me outside and

Like talks to me about how to drink it really fast and I drink this 40 real fast

I start skateboarding home and I get this wave of comfort. I get this feeling like everything's gonna be okay

and I knew that alcohol was gonna be the I'm gonna do this as often as I possibly can and

almost immediately

Gonna try to limit myself, you know, I'm only gonna do it on the weekends or parties

you know and in a week or two, I'm

Wednesdays aren't okay. And then once you drink drinking on Wednesday

You're gonna drink too

So I do that now with diets actually, but I

Didn't as often as I can and I'm in high school at this point and counselor sits me down and says

you're gonna need to go to an accelerated school to get the credits to graduate on time and

Thanksgiving I go to my aunt uncle's house and my and my aunt feels guilty that I'm having some of these things and

She's she likes to feel guilty. So it's not okay

But she felt bad about it and she goes how do you know we'd like to pay for you to go to modern

Private Catholic school in Santa Ana and and I have here heard about kids who go to this school

They go to they go there. They they join a sport. They get good grades

They go into great colleges and have great lives and I think you know, maybe that's it. I heard Catholic girls were easy

So that was a blessing

But then the second thought is is they're gonna drug test me. I don't want to stop drinking said no, that's okay

I'm gonna go to independent studies and I go into independent studies. I go to school

we could get these little packets and I go home and I drink every day and

do my little packets in my room and barely leaving my house and

Wait for my I started to get in this routine

I'd wait for my friend Jeff to get out of school and go over his house

We would get a couple Miller highlives and we watched dazed and confused every day

And I think all good alcoholics we get into some sort of routine and I and I mean, I'm still to this day

I like routine, you know, I just like I know what's what what's going to happen what I'm gonna do, but

that was my routine and

And we did this every day. I started to think, you know, if I go back to regular high school, it's gonna be like that

You know, I'll only drink on the weekends. I'm gonna drink at parties

I'm gonna go to school and join a sport and it'll be just like that and I get my grades back up and

It was a fourth of July

2000 and I met my friends outside. Oh, they stayed away from hallucinogens

I had a friend took too much accident. They found him walking up and down West Mr. Bull are totally naked

and I didn't really want any part of that, but

Didn't think it was working so I took 30 some odd shots at various different types of boost and

Went home that night. Well, I ran home that night

so it's clearly

working but I

Jumped the fence and normally what I would do when I would get home, you know, good night mom go right to bed

And for whatever reason that night, I just wanted to chat and walk in the house and I go how you doing mom?

How was your fourth of July and she goes come here?

You know and gets in my face and she's standing about six inches away from me and she goes blowing my fat my face

I go

and she goes you've been drinking had to do and takes me over my friend's house and and

My mom doesn't know any of the people that I'm hanging around with because my mom is the type of mom that likes to ask questions

You know and if you're hanging around the type of people I'm hanging around with they don't know the answers to this question

so you just keep them away, but I'm drunk enough to tell her where it was and

We go over there and she's yelling at four or five friends down the stairwell

She's going on it and my friend passed walls at the top of the stairs and he goes we don't care just leave

You know my good friends and he still had a penis and sharpie on his face from the night before

he was always falling asleep and

Yeah, I

Quickly realized what they meant. I know one had to explain to me, you know, we step on the toes of our fellows in every town

but I

left there and and I always told myself if I get into trouble, I'm gonna stop and

All that happened was I started doing worse things in order to get what I needed and my first sponsor says that

We drink for as long as we can and then we drink for about eight months after that

And that's basically what I did it and it just kept getting worse and worse and worse and I go back up to Washington

to visit my real father and by this time he's my drinking buddy and we're drinking around the clock and

My grandmother hears that I've been drinking and she comes over and sends me down in the car and she's you know

Telling me how my actions make her feel and and and I'm you know, just warning me about alcohol and

They said I'm gonna stop my son to stop and I get out of that car and I continue doing what I'm doing and I come

home and

My mom takes me to a family counselor and my stepfather's not there. He's done with me by this point and

We're in this family counseling session for about 30 minutes and

The counselor says, you know, what is it you need from your mom? And well, she never takes me shopping

I was about to go back to regular high school. I wanted some new clothes and the counselor said why don't you take him?

She'll spend some time with him and we never went to any more family counseling sessions

that

And I get to school the first day. I'm going to that different school so I could be a different person

I don't always have this idea that I'm just gonna like recreate my life recreate who I am

So I can be somebody different and and I get to school that first day and I'm walking through the campus

I feel like everybody's staring at me. My skin is crawling. I can't handle being there

And I had to leave and I had to drink and I do this pretty much every day

Over the next month and a half. I think I went to school

Cut well, I had this history teacher that would let me sleep

so I would go into history take a nap and then leave school again, but

month and a half goes by and I get arrested outside of the school and I

Go into this youth shelter and I I'm in this youth shelter for a couple weeks

And and I start to think that you know now I have what it takes now

I have the ability to not drink anymore

You know, I've been separated from alcohol for this period of time and and and I had you know

It talks about it in the book, but I had this type of confidence that I wasn't going to drink

I I knew I wasn't gonna drink and everything was going to be different now and

I get out of that place and I haven't had a drink for a couple weeks at that point and

I get to school that first morning and and you know, I I'm not gonna drink again, you know

Just repeating this in my head. I'm not gonna drink. I'm not gonna drink

I'm not gonna drink and I see my friend Jeff in the hallways and and he says hey you want to get out of here?

I'm not drinking anymore. I'm not gonna drink it says Tim. Just got a bottle of Jack Daniels and a new bump

It'll all start tomorrow, you know

and every day after that is I'm gonna start tomorrow start tomorrow start tomorrow and

This funny thing happens once I even I don't haven't even taken a drink yet

but the moment that I decide that I am going to drink that day this incredible weight comes off my shoulders and

another month or so goes by and I come home one day and I'm arguing with my mom because I haven't been showing up to

School and we're arguing for 20 minutes and I just had no more fight

You know, I this that prior month and a half or so every day

I'm trying not to drink it and and I'm under the I'm starting to realize I'm not going to be able to do it on

My own and and I just said I can't stop drinking and she said I will get you some help and she puts me into

this outpatient treatment center in we're in this outpatient treatment center for a couple weeks and and

This weird thing happens to me when I feel like alcohol is being taken away

I have to drink even more and I had a friend tell me that a couple of these other things

Would come out of my system fast. So I start you doing those two and

After two weeks, they said my drug alcohol level was higher than when I come in

And either I needed to stop or I needed to leave I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop

I left I stole some money from my parents. I ran away from home

I'm staying in my friend's shed behind his house. And when I say shed, it was nice

It was you know had carpet on the ground and had some blankets

And I start drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels every day

And I start to realize like it would always look like I would while drinking I would I would go well

I'm not that guy, you know

See, you know someone I thought you know had just fallen apart. Everything would fall

During this two-week period I'm like, I'm that guy what happened what happened?

I don't understand how to get out of this anymore. I

blacked out one day and

I came to I was right new and I came to her and midnight walking out of a Hollywood video with the video stuff under my

jacket and I came to as the buzzers were going off and kind of looked behind me and was

Just keep walking and I kind of kept walking outside and two people came outside and said, you know

Hey get back in here. And and again, I just had no fight and I turned around and went back inside

Westminster Police Department picked me up and

Mom comes to pick me up from the police station and probably by 2 in the morning at this point

I get into her car and she looks like she hasn't slept in days and she's been crying and she says Ben

I can't do this anymore

If you want to live your life like that, you're gonna have to do it some every time I hear the phone ring

I think the cops got you

And I never wanted to make feel like that I never wanted to treat her the stream

You know as a kid I would tell her

Some beach and do all these things. I thought it was gonna be a basketball player

In that situation most people would say I'm sorry the change they're gonna do it anymore

I laughed at her treated like she was stupid

The next morning. I got to a fistfight with my stepfather. There was a string

Christmas Christmas morning. I

Get a call from my mom around 8 9 in the morning

My dad had taken my brothers and sisters to church and says, why don't you come over have some breakfast with me?

And I go over there and I have every intention of being a good kid

every intention of being who she taught me and

I

Get there. She said something. I didn't want to hear and started breaking things at the house and pushing her

she called the police and the policing favor there in seconds and

these two police officers are standing in front of their doors and

They just said get the hell out of here kid. Get out of here

You don't belong here anymore. And I left there. I went to this grocery store

I stole two tall boys and Mickey's and I just wanted to recapture that first drink

Why that feeling like everything was gonna be okay all the little problems in my life. We're gonna work themselves out

but for whatever reason it didn't do what I needed to do that morning and

I knew that it was gonna be this over and over and over again. It was never gonna get any better

it was only gonna get worse and

Starting to think that maybe I'm schizophrenic

There's got to be something seriously wrong

Had an aunt who was schizophrenic and I thought maybe that's got to be it and

social services stepped in and said that I was I either had to go to an inpatient treatment center or they were gonna take me

Away until I was 18 and I went in to this other youth shelter and there for a week or two

You know, we it was about two weeks but I'm in there and ran away from there for a period came back and

And I I'm just experiencing this misery that I can't even express. I just want to die

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this and

You know, I want to take you with me

But on January 11th, I left there and I'm gonna go home

I'm gonna grab some things the next morning. I'm gonna go into this treatment center

You know, and I think that I'm gonna go into this place. I'm gonna learn their language

I'm gonna get everybody back on their side and everything's gonna be like it looks there's no possible way

I'm gonna be able to stop drinking on a whole time basis, but I'll go into this treatment center and get everybody back

That night was my last drink here. It wasn't particularly my worst drunk and

Telling all of my friends and I'll see you guys in six months and go home

Next morning and take you into this place and this first person that I meet is a woman named patio

You know

the woman

Another woman there says, you know, you remind me a lot like her. She was very angry, too

But I look at this lady in like

person, you know, I

Realized later on. I realized that was a lot

But I they started taking me to meetings about politics and I had been to meetings before that, you know

But you know, there's no possible way that you guys are sober. I would see people take

90-day trips and think you're just doing that because you think your p.o is watching, you know, and you know

they're taking me these meetings and they start telling me to get a sponsor and you know in order for me to get to

The next phase so that I can go home on weekends that I have to get a sponsor and and I started asking these guys

To sponsor me and one said I don't have enough time for you. Why don't you miss that guy right there?

Just said screw this I'm not doing more another a couple weeks goes by it's in mid-february at this point and

I see that I'm talking to that lady Patti and telling her I can't find a sponsor. She says why don't you ask that guy?

And there's this man named Andy and Andy had been sponsoring guys

At that place and he was sober a long time six years, you know, I thought man that's forever

You know, I walk outside. I said, hey, would you be my sponsor? He didn't give me one of these lines

Why don't you read this and get back to me? Why don't you call me for the next couple weeks and we'll see him

He said willing to go to any length for victory over and but he he didn't he said even this way where it was like

It better be yes, or I'm not messing with you

And I said I'll do whatever you want me to do and he said I think he said all right

He starts taking me through the book

I

Had rather checked I'd read at the doctor's opinion in a bill store and thought who cares how am I supposed to relate to this?

Brinker in the 1920s. I don't even know what the hell a ticker is and you know

I just didn't get it and you know, I had me identify which classification of alcoholic

I was in the doctor's opinion and I thought it was the manic depressive type whom a whole chapter could be written and I

Just wanted a chapter written about me and they relate to realize and I hate the way that it sounds but I'm the psychopath

I'm always going on the wagon for keeps and make many resolutions with brain and decisions. That's the I'll start tomorrow

I'll start tomorrow start tomorrow

And I realized I related to bill more a lot more than I allowed myself to I wasn't stealing from my wife's purse

I was stealing from my mom's purse. I wasn't not taking that job opportunity and it didn't take the opportunity to go to that school

It wasn't a golfer permitting me to drink and a skateboarder

Kid, you know and I realized I had made the same exact decision that bill had made every step of the way

and that was to drink, you know, and

and I started to think that maybe I'm not certain whether I could have this thing, but it's certainly this is what I

Was certain that the this guy that I've been talking to had something I didn't have and if I followed him around

Maybe I would get a taste of it and you know

He kept taking me through these steps and I told that guy everything about me and you know

I remember telling him my fist

You know, he had me write these secrets at the end that he knew I wouldn't put in the regular inventory

That wasn't ready for that right at the end. He goes right this right everything that you didn't want to tell me down

And he me right like one word that would remind him remind me of it

so he would write that, you know incriminate myself, but I

Start reading these things and and it his facial expression didn't change the entire time these things that I was terrified

Anybody would know about it and he would every once in a while, you know, one of them he would go

I did that, you know, and he would tell me a story and

you know and it encouraged me to tell him the next thing and I told him all those things and I

We were done with that and I just had this feeling like everything was gonna be okay

And the very same thing that I searched for an alcohol

I found an alcoholics anonymous by doing the things that you guys taught to do and you know, I

Got kicked out of that treatment center when I was about five months over

Because I couldn't stay away from the girls and smoking when I wasn't supposed to smoke and I I mean this fork in the road

Either I'm gonna go to Arizona until I'm 18 or when I go into the server living house and my sponsor convinced my parents

put me into the server living house in orange and I go into there and

Guys that I've been meeting at those meetings started showing up and picking me up and you know

And they they I had given them my number and I had gotten their number and I might have called a couple of them

initially

To get those rides, but after a period of time they knew I wanted to be sober and they started calling me

Hey, I'm going to this meeting night be ready at 7, you know

And they would be there at 7 and get in their car

they would they would take me there and they would drive me all over the place all over Orange County and Los Angeles and

taking me all these different types of things and all these different AA meetings and and you know that I

really started to fall in love with alcoholics and

I started getting commitments in the meetings that I was going to and

You know that all right when I was about nine months sober. I got to the

six months over got to the eighth of nine step and I had my list ready and

Go visit with my sponsor

And I had myself at the top of the list because one of the things I've been hurting one of these a goofy meeting

I've always had these they said, you know, I hurt myself the most so we need to make amends to us

And you know, he goes, what are you doing on the list and I go?

He goes, all right, well, how about we put you at the bottom of the list and after you make amends to the rest of these

People you can go ahead

Anything we can think of it's kind of perverted

but let's start with your mom and

He had me write this letter to her

House read this letter to don't say anything. Is that like to screw this thing?

She says something that makes you mad. You just be quiet

You know, I sit down and I read this letter to her and at the end it said if there's anything I could do to

Make these things right? Please like

She just said keep doing alcoholics nine months to the best year and then for a Catholic woman that thanks the

Answer for everything as the Catholic Church that was had to have been a hard thing for her to say

But she knew that something was happening for me here

She didn't know why she didn't know but she knew something was happening

She just said keep doing

That's what I've done for the last 22 years

And that doesn't mean I've done it perfectly I've made plenty of mistakes, you know

Getting sober, you know, just a couple months shy of 17 and they you know went into debt

bad relationships

You know all the challenges that you guys talk about

people who get sober older talk about

Going through while they're drinking and for sure

but

I've done it to the best of my ability. I know when I've made those mistakes and willing to clean those things up challenging. I

When I was about a year sober, I had this thing in the back of my head saying maybe it was a phase

Maybe it was this maybe it was that and I think we all come in with something that says that we're just a little bit

Different and that was an easy thing for my alcoholism to grab hold of and I'm sitting in this Wednesday night meeting one night

And this older gentleman says it's next to me. It goes aren't you a little too young to be here? You don't know me

bitch

I said

No, you know, but I went home and I grabbed the book and I was gonna find something to throw into space and and

You know, I going through that such time young people and it says there are those of us who only drink a few years

They were in the same position as those of us who drink for 20 years. That's not holy crap. That's me, you know

And I knew that this, you know dawned on me that that prior year and a half or so

I've been sitting in these meetings relating to the things that you guys talked about might have come from a different

You know different area a different walk of life different age. What?

but I realized that the related things that

You know, I have been questioned whether it was since that day

I'm not saying that I haven't thought of taking a drink. It's two different things

But I had a question whether I'm gonna do that

Another year goes by it was like September every year for my first five years was a

But that next year I was a

I'm starting to look for you know

I I thought like I could just read stuff and talk to you and that everything would be okay

You know, I didn't actually have to go out there and and and and try to clean up the wreckage, you know

so, you know

I would start looking for some secret answer that I hadn't found in the book and

Pick up the pamphlet on sponsorship and think man. He's not doing that

that's the problem, you know and just trying to find some answer that was gonna fix everything and I

See this guy Keon and and he knows this type of guy where you love here

And I'm sure you kind of follow him around at the meetings that he goes to but you don't want to actually talk to him

Because he's gonna be asking about what you're doing and really want to talk about that

so I

bump into him at this retreat that September and he goes

How are you doing? I just start telling him all all the crap that I'm dealing with. It's mostly in my head and

And he goes, you know, once I started making financial amends my financial life got better

And once I started making relationship and that's my relationships got better. I've always wanted everyone to love me

I've always wanted to be rich and

So I went out and I made 30 amends that week and couldn't find any of these people the week before that

I didn't have the money to pay you know back the week before that but you know all of a sudden it was there and

I got fired up about it

I had all these grocery stores liquor stores old friends 7-elevens a couple police officers and teachers and and

I work in the 7-elevens one day and there's four or five 7-elevens up and down

Westminster Boulevard and I'd stolen from all of them. I'm not not that I'm anytime a big-time crook

I'm a petty thief, but I I walk into one and I

Walk up to the counter and

Get my little spiel and he goes man. I've never had anybody do that before. Thank you so much

and you know what I leave there and I feel good and

Next couple go flying as well and I walk into the last one and I stole two packs of cigarettes from this one at that

You know, this is not gonna be a big deal. I walk in that wait for the line to die down

I walk up to the counter at ten dollars in my hand and I go, you know two and a half years ago

I stole two packs of cigarettes in order for me to stay sober. I need to make every rung

I made right he goes. Oh you want two packs of cigarettes? I go. Oh, no. No. No, I stole two packs of cigarettes

I need to pay you back because what you stole from my store get out of here

So you want your money, you know, I'm a little freaked out it and it kind of like frozen place

I look over and this guy had come in. He was standing right next to me. He goes don't worry about it

You did your part like crap. You bastards are everywhere. I

left there and I got into my car and I started driving to

My meeting and I don't know if it's the immense that I just made the commitments that I had to

Try to develop a relationship with the power greater than myself that guys have been trying to sponsor

The but I got this overwhelming feeling like everything was gonna be okay

So overwhelming feeling like all the little problems in my life

We're gonna work themselves out and and I've been chasing that feeling ever since and I don't get that feeling by doing something for me

You know, I don't get that feeling by buying a house or a new car

I mean a new car is good for like two weeks until you get the first payment, you know, and

you know, I don't get I don't even like I

Regretfully say this because some people don't understand but it doesn't even my children don't give me that feeling

Yeah, they give me that feeling from time to time that you know, but it goes away immediately when they crap their pants, you know

or

Or you know want to murder each other, you know

but I

Get that feeling when I try to do something for somebody else when I'm not thinking about me for a period of time

And you know and that's how I try to live my life today. It is sometimes very hard

Sometimes very hard to not think about myself my future. My what's whatever is going on, but

Over the last six months or so my constant prayer is how can I be your servant?

That is all I want that it's all I need in in this life. That is all I need to try to do

How do I be your servant and you know and and asking for that prayer over these last six months?

I could tell you that a lot of opportunities have presented themselves

you know, I

Sponsored a number of new guys. I've had several commitments and things come up that

And and I ever started to regret seeing the first

I've had an absolutely incredible life and I'm gonna say

Been married for 11 years. I have three children

you know, I

Started a business eight years ago

Get to employ a number of people

You know one of my

guys today

sent me a text he just bought a new truck and

You know, and she had to work for that

but I'm grateful of the opportunity that I got to participate in that and you know, and I I

there was a guy when I was news name was Chuck D and I would see him every week and I would say how you

Doing Chuck and you know better than I deserve

You know, sometimes you've asked me. How are you? Not as good as I deserve to have I

See him the next week. How you doing check better than I deserve kid a few weeks of this goes by and finally

I just go what do you mean? You've been sober all this time. You've helped all these people. You've done all this work

What do you mean? You don't deserve the life yet?

And I said for all the bad things I've done people I've hurt mistakes. I've made I don't deserve

Today and I truly believe that for yourself today and it took me a really long time to understand

When my life is better than I deserve there's room

When there's room for gratitude in this moment

Everything is okay when I'm focused on what I deserve for the problems in my life that things going on

The exterior that I can't control

that gratitude goes away and

Then my mind begins to try to figure these things out

Instead of just living in that that gratitude and trying to be of service and when I'm living in that gratitude

Trying to be of service. It almost doesn't even matter what's going on. It almost doesn't matter what challenges

My life is okay