From Chaos to Sobriety: A Journey of Family, Loss, and Healing

asking me to pick up my sobriety. I wasn't nervous the entire time. I know that I walked

up here, I'm like, "Ah! God!" It's always, you know, it's so hard, you know, to get going

and then, like, by the time I'm done, I'm gonna feel so much greater. Like, it's so

weird. But I'll start out with my sobriety date is January 10th, 2014. My sponsor is

Maggie and Remain Teachable is my home group. Lordy. Okay, so, growing up, it was me and

my older sister. She's five years older. And, you know, our house was chaotic, you know.

My mom was there, but not, like, emotionally, you know. She had her own stuff going on.

My dad was in and out of prison. The only thing I had was my grandparents would come

and get me every weekend. And going to their house, their house was normal, you know. If

you dirty the date, you washed it. If you got something, you put it back where it went,

you know. And these are, like, such little things, but I even knew then, like, that's

normal, you know. My house was nothing like that. You know, my sister was always the one

helping to take care of me, getting up for school and things like that, you know. When

I was seven, my mom had twins. And, unfortunately, you know, my dad left for a good while this

time and she met some new guy. And we lived in Rosemond. But we moved out to, like, an

acre of property, like, farther out in Rosemond. My nearest neighbor was, like, half a mile

away, you know. And I actually like living out there, you know. I had my bike. I used

to ride around everywhere. I got a BB gun for Christmas one year. And I was just, I

had so much fun. But I was by myself a lot, you know. I didn't want any friends to come

over just because my house was so odd, you know. I felt like nobody else lived this way.

I always wanted to be at other people's houses. There was, you know, one scenario. My dad

came home. He had gotten out of prison and he actually came to the house. And so it was

my mom and my dad in the room and my stepdad was on the couch. And I was, like, 12 years

old. And, like, I felt so horrible for my stepdad, you know. Like, I was glad that my

dad was there. I was happy. But it was just such a weird dynamic, you know. And what happened

was my dad actually OD'd on the toilet and my mom had pulled him into the hallway and

she was doing CPR and I had to run to the neighbors because we didn't have a phone.

And so, you know, I called the ambulance and they came and I'm sitting outside and one

of my friends comes up because she wants me to go horseback riding with her. And I'm just,

I'm embarrassed because what do you say? Like, we have an ambulance there. Why? You know.

And just, that was my house. My house was just embarrassing. And I didn't realize until

later that my mom sold pot. So that is why we always had all these people at my house.

We had a guy living on our couch for a year, you know. And just, it was hectic, you know.

But my grandparents were my saving grace because I was able to have some sort of normalcy,

you know. Whenever we didn't have what we needed, my grandparents always took care of

that, you know. As I got older, my sister actually left and moved with my grandparents

and that was like my first big resentment. I didn't know it was a resentment until later,

but I just didn't understand why she got to leave and I had to stay, you know, because

I didn't want to be there. And it was just me and my twin sisters, you know. It was me

taking care of them, you know. And then my mom left for a while, left us with this stepdad

and I had no idea where she was, you know. And then at 12, I'm in the middle of seventh

grade and she comes back and says, "Well, we're moving," you know. And so I had to start

a new school and I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to any kind of change even then,

you know. I didn't, I just didn't want to have to be the new person. I was so terrified,

you know, to have to do that. I remember crying in the office because I just, I didn't want

to do that, you know. And I didn't make any friends for a while, you know. I got a nickname

because I was taller, I developed more and I just felt totally different than everyone

else. I met a friend and her aunt cleaned houses and we went to her friends and we tried

that boxed wine. And we both had a glass of it and I just felt, I thought I felt so happy.

I was just smiling and laughing and it just kind of felt so good, you know. And my thought

was, you know, I want another one because if one made me feel this way then another

one has to make me feel even better, you know. And that would basically be the course of

my life until I got sober because it's just, I always had to have more. That's, my brain

always told me that. And, you know, but I didn't do anything. I was 13 then and I didn't

do anything until high school, you know, when I got, when I was a freshman and, you know,

I started, I started doing stuff and it was just, that's all I wanted to do. My mom wasn't

there really taking care of me. And, you know, when she tried to say anything, I was like,

no, sorry. Like you haven't taken care of me, so I'm not going to listen to you. You

know, I was such a brat. I really was. And you know, my grandparents really tried to

help and, you know, they really just wanted me to be in school and graduate. And I didn't

want to do that. I was rarely going to school cause I'd wake up in the morning and be like,

I don't want to go, you know. And, um, my mom called my grandparents one night and said,

she was just complaining that I didn't want to go to school and yada yada. And then a

couple hours later we got a call that my grandma had had a massive heart attack. And, uh, basically

she died then, but because my grandpa did CPR, you know, they took her to the hospital

and, um, I just, from that point on, I felt that that was my fault. You know, my mom wasn't

complaining about me. It wouldn't have stressed her out. And, um, you know, I had a lot of

trouble with that because I started getting anxiety and having panic attacks. And, you

know, I went to the doctor and started taking psych meds and you know, things seem to kind

of be okay, you know, but the problem was I didn't know how to deal with any emotion.

I had never had anything like this happen and nobody said anything like my whole family

just like fell apart after that, you know? And so I thought things were good. I met a

guy and I started going to school again and you know, I, whatever, I thought things were

okay until I got pregnant at 17. And, you know, I quit taking medication and things

were great. I felt fabulous at 18. I had a daughter and at 19 me and my ex husband got

married and you know, I thought this is what you were supposed to do. This is, you know,

you meet someone, you have kids, you build a life. I'm doing what the world says I should

be doing. And, um, but the problem was I wasn't, I was still myself inside and I didn't know

how to deal with any of that. Um, and so what happened with that is when I turned 23, um,

the year was 2003 and my dad was actually going to get out of prison in December and

he had been in there for like 12 years. And, um, but it happened was two months prior we

got a call that he was in the infirmary and he was basically dying and, um, they let him

call us on their stupid pay phone and it was a 15 minute call and it was just, it was hectic.

And once again here I have all these emotions that I don't know what to do with. I don't

know where they should go or how to deal with them. And so I do what I do best and I stuff

them and I start, you know, I'm working and some of my back's hurting. So I start taking

something for that and then my anxiety is coming back. So instead of going to a doctor,

I'm my own doctor. I know it works. So I start taking something else for that. And you know,

this gets in the way of my marriage, which I don't see there's a problem with, you know,

because I am taking care of the house and taking care of my daughter. Like the bills

are paid, things are fine. So I should be able to do what I want to do. And he didn't

like that, you know, he wanted me to quit. And because I'm selfish and self centered,

I said no. And we ended up splitting up and eventually got a divorce. And, um, you know,

I moved back in with my mom and I just stayed stuck for the rest of the time. Um, instead

of going back to a doctor, my anxiety and depression just got worse. And I remember

I was in the house for four years. Like I was, I was completely scared to leave my driveway.

Like I would have crazy panic attacks that I felt like I was dying. Like I was literally

dying and um, you know, but because I am still who I am, I met another him because that is

going to fix me. That is going to help me. And I ended up getting pregnant and um, I

knew that I couldn't, I couldn't take care of this person because I couldn't even take

care of my daughter, you know? So what I did is I was coming to get an abortion. Actually,

I lived in Lancaster and I was coming out here and the tire in the rim flew off of my

car on the freeway and uh, my best friend's mom said it's divine intervention. And I was

like, you know, that's crap. No, it's not. Um, but I ended up finding a family and was

able to give that child up for adoption. And you know, I think that was one of the best

things I'd ever done in my life because this child was able to have a life, you know? Um,

so what I also didn't realize is how hard that was on my family because I am selfish

and self centered. This is happening to me. It doesn't involve you, so you shouldn't have

any feelings about it. But my family did, you know, and I didn't realize that. And um,

you know, my sister came to the hospital and couldn't even come in the room, you know?

Um, and I think about that now and it was really crappy, you know, it just, the things

that I put my family through because it was all about me. Um, you know, but did I change?

No, I sure didn't because there was nothing wrong. And um, you know, for like the next

10 years, that's all I did. I just kept getting lower and lower and I kept, you know, finding

lower companions. Um, because in my world everybody was doing what I was doing, you

know? And no, that's not the case. It's just only the people that I attracted because that's

what I was doing. Um, you know, when it's like 2012 or something, I decided I'm going

to move to Florida because that's going to help. Like I'm, you know, cause I'm with another

him and he's going to help and we're going to get to Florida and things will be great.

And no, they weren't because I'm still me and I'm still hanging around people that I

shouldn't be hanging around. And you know, it was chaos. It was six months. My friends

were able to help get me a bus ticket back home and I came back to California and moved

with my friend and unfortunately I kept, I just couldn't stop the cycle. I didn't know

how to stop anything. Um, but in the end of 2013 I was, um, I was laying on the couch

and I was coming down and I remember cutting myself and you know, seeing the blood, I didn't

feel the pain. And right then I just, something clicked and I said, do you have a problem?

Like you need help. You really need help. And so what I actually did was I went to Tarzana

treatment center and I started filling out all the paperwork and I don't know why I did

that. I honestly don't because I don't feel that that was me doing that. You know, um,

the ladies asking me all these questions and I was actually honest with her, you know,

about what I was doing. And they said, okay, well we don't have a bed yet, so you'll have

to keep calling until we do. And you know, I always say this because I don't know if

it was like this for you, but if I try something once and it doesn't work, well at least I

try, you know, I'm not putting any more effort if I'm not getting anything in return. So,

but for some reason I kept calling. It was the weirdest thing. And on January 8th they

said, we have a bed. We need to be here at nine, eight in the morning tomorrow. And I

was like, Oh my God, like terrified yet. I'd had like three months preparation, but I,

you know, packed all my stuff and that consisted of a suitcase and a duckle bag. And that was

all I owned. And you know, last thing I remember was hugging my best friend and frying. Next

thing you know, I wake up in the lobby at Tarzana here in Rosita and uh, I don't know

how that happened. And I think that was my higher power because I had $200 in my pocket

and I could have told the guy, Nope, I don't want to go, you know, but I got in there and

I did two weeks in detox and um, I'm nuts. I know I'm nuts, but they had people in panels

coming in. And the first one that I went to, I got a big book and a 12 and 12. Like I just,

I felt that I was going to need those. And um, I don't remember hearing anything specific

when they came. I just, I felt something, you know, and um, they were asking me what

I wanted to do and I said, well, I want to go into residential. Like I don't want to

go back to where I was at. And they said, well, we probably don't have a bed and you

know, so I go to my room and I fling my books and I'm crying cause I have to be dramatic,

you know, and I was just, I was so upset. I didn't want to go back, you know, and the

next day they took me to the office and they slid a paper over and they were able to get

me 90 days in residential and that was the best thing in the world for me. Um, so when

panels would come in, everybody's in detox, they don't want to do nothing. They want to

sleep. Here I am going, the panel's here and I'm like walking around all excited and they're

like, nobody cares, you know? And I just, I don't know, I felt something, you know,

I felt some sort of maybe I could be okay, you know, and I went into the residential

side and I ended up staying there for nine months and um, I am so grateful for that because

I didn't start going to outside meetings until like my first month and a half being in there.

And um, when I did, they brought me to this meeting where everybody's outside and we're

all smiling and happy and talking and you know, they're wanting to shake your hand and

they're wanting to introduce themselves. They want to know your name. First of all, it's

too much. It's way too much. I don't want to tell you nothing. And with the way that

I felt about myself, like why do you want to know anything about me? You know? And,

but I kept coming back, you know, there was a woman who would come and pick up women from

Tarzana and take them to meetings. And you know, I started going to those meetings and

I started hearing what the people were sharing, you know, and when I got Maggie as my sponsor,

she said, Lord, it was like, I felt like she was like a scroll, you know, it was just like

running down with all the things I had to do. Cause it's like, you need to read the

big book cover to cover. You got to call me every day. You got to go to a meeting every

day. Just a lot of stuff. Now mind you, it is not a lot of stuff. It's really not because

I'm in treatment. I have nothing to do. Like I go to their groups all day and that's all

they do. Like I have the time. And you know, and I said, okay, fine. You know, I started

doing those things and you know, she said, you need to get a higher power. And I didn't

have any sort of religion growing up and nothing. And so it just felt odd. You know, she said,

talk to him as a friend. And I felt so stupid cause at night I'm like, Hey, you know, how's

it going? Like I'm trying to feel it out, you know? And it's not, it feels so stupid.

Like it felt, I felt ridiculous doing it, but thankfully it doesn't matter how ridiculous

you feel. It doesn't matter what you think about it. But by taking that action, I started

to feel something, you know, and I started doing my steps with her. And when I got to

my third step, that was really when I felt this connection with a higher power that I

had never had. Looking back on things and the way that I got to where I was, I definitely

had a higher power the whole time. And I just didn't know it. When I was in treatment, I

had seen that my ex husband had went and tried to get full custody of my daughter. Now, mind

you, I hadn't seen my daughter in five years. She was nine the last time I had seen her.

And I was once again, selfish and self-centered. I told the judge I had went to a program when

I didn't and he said, all right, well, I want to see all the paperwork. And when I left

that day, I just f it. That's how I felt because I didn't have any of that. So I, you know,

the last time I saw her, it was Mother's Day. And, um, you know, so when I saw that he was

going for full custody, you know, I talked with my sponsor. She said, okay, this is what

we're going to do, you know, and she guided me in the right direction of what I needed

to do. My first court date was actually on her sobriety birthday and she actually went

down to Lancaster with me to the courthouse, you know, and I never had somebody do that

for me. I never had someone do something for me that didn't want anything in return, you

know? Um, but by doing the step work, by coming to the meetings and having commitment and

following somebody else's direction, I was able to make it through all those court dates.

You know, the judge had me put my daughter in reunification therapy and I had to pay

for that. My joy working at the Goodwill, you know, I have this little, I was able to

get this little job, you know, and the cool thing was is my sponsor said, this is what

you need to do when you get a job because you need to be able to still go to your meetings.

And I was like, people aren't going to hire me if my availability isn't open. Like that

my thought, like it needs to be open on all days. She said, no, you need to let them know

this time, like you can't work past this time, you know? And I did that and I was able to

get a job and they worked with me, you know, and that was amazing because never did I think

that would happen, you know? So I start doing all of this. I'm having to take the Metro

lane to Lancaster. I'm an hour late to court each time because it doesn't get there until

nine o'clock and court starts at eight, you know, but I just kept doing it, you know,

and it took a long time. It took a year of my daughter being in therapy and then six

months of me and her both being in therapy. And you know, I remember calling my sponsor

one night and I'm crying and I said, I'm not doing this anymore. She can come and find

me when she's 18 and my sponsor's like, no, that's not what's going to happen. You know,

she's like, you're just, you're going to do the next right. Indicated stuff, you know?

And that's what I love about this program is because my mind can be so chaotic and crazy,

but I have someone that I can talk to that says, calm down, you know, take a breath.

This is what we're going to do, you know? And that's what I never realized is I made

all my decisions off of my emotions. You know, I, I never saw the bigger picture. I couldn't

see past anything of my emotions, like what I was thinking right then. And you know, that's

been amazing to find in this program that I don't have to do that. You know, I can have

feelings and thoughts like, but they're not going to last, you know, and it's helped me

to keep my list of arms down, you know, being sober. However, you know, I kept doing what

I was supposed to do. You know, I met one of the best people in this program. We actually

met in treatment and we had been going to these meetings and you know, his birthday

was January 1st. And so, you know, we started every year taking our sponsors out together

for our birthdays and taking Kate at the same time. And, you know, he was the best, like

the best friend that I could ever have, you know, somebody that I could just completely

trust and, you know, we did everything together, you know, and unfortunately, you know, he

passed away earlier this year and it, it was like the worst. I feel like it's the worst

thing that I've ever had to go through being sober because it just didn't seem right, you

know, it's just, it's not fair. And I was, I was, I still am struggling with the why,

you know, because it doesn't seem like it had to happen, you know, but I'm also grateful

that I got to have him in my life and I'm grateful that I got to be with him when everything

was going on and that, you know, I had have, you know, a job now that allows me to have

more flexibility, you know. They say, get a friend in this program and I have so many

of them, you know, I live with sober women, you know, me and Nancy, it's been, thank you.

It's been seven years, you know, that we have lived together and it's been crazy. It hasn't

always been easy. It's fabulous because there's times I don't want to go to my sponsor or

there's times that something happens right then and there and I can't get to my sponsor,

but I have sober women that are right there. It's three in the morning and something happens,

I can go to her, you know, and it's just, it has really helped me to grow, to learn

to be a friend and to learn the world doesn't revolve around me as much as I want it to.

It just doesn't, you know. So I ended up getting, you know, my daughter back in my life. She

is 22 years old. I was there for her graduation, you know, I was there for dance recitals.

I have the best relationship with her, you know, she comes and stays the night Wednesdays

and Mondays and I just, she talks to me, you know, like she wants to hang out. I've been

to three concerts this year because she's like, you want to go here? And my answer is

always, yes, I do. I don't care what it is, you know, I don't care just to be able to

spend time with her, you know. And one other thing that I completely forgot is, which seems

like an afterthought, I lost my mom as well, you know. And I guess for me, I feel it was

hard losing my mom it was, but I feel that it wasn't as hard because I feel that now

she's finally at peace. My thought is she was one of us and her life was constant chaos.

For about a year and a half, she was homeless in Lancaster and there was nothing I could

do, like nothing. And it killed me every single time, you know. But the great thing is the

program had taught me how to be a daughter and I was able to be there for her. Even though

I couldn't constantly help her, I was able to still be there for her. And that was one

of the greatest gifts as well that I got because I never thought that that would happen. It

is hard to be there for someone when you just want to shake them, you know, you want to

shake them and say, just start doing this, you know, like your life will be better. My

two younger sisters, those twins, they are both in the wind doing whatever they want

to do. And they know that I've been here, they've seen me, they've seen how I've changed

and they're not ready. And I can't, you know, my sister would always hit me up for money

and of course here and there I would give it to her, but I finally told her, I can't,

I can't do this. If you cannot get sober, I cannot help you. And that has been the hardest

thing to do because she doesn't contact you anymore. I don't know. I don't know what goes

on with them, you know, but I know that they have their own higher power and I know that

I just still have to keep doing what I'm doing because regardless, I'm still an example,

even though they still haven't gotten it yet and they're, you know, maybe they will, you

know, that's all I can hope for. You know, it's been, it's been a crazy nine and a half

years. It's been the absolute best because I never thought that my life would be what

it is now. Never, never did I think I'd have a relationship with my daughter. Never did

I think that I would be able to live and self be self-supporting, you know, I pay rent and

2018 I was able to buy my first car. Like I had never owned anything, you know, I was

never able to do that, you know, and because of those stupid commitments that I'm like,

these are not going to help me. Well, it's helped me to be accountable. It's helped me

to show up. It has helped me to be of service any way that I can, you know, and people tend

to see that and they're like, Oh no, you know, because they can kill on me and that was never

the case. If you told me you needed me to do something, I'd say, okay, and then you

wouldn't see me for a while, you know, because I either forgot or I just didn't want to do

it, you know? Um, but that's not how it is today. Like if I genuinely can't do something,

I'm going to help you try to find a way to get it done. You know, I just, it's, it's

such a weird perception shift that I've had, you know, however, there are times where I'm

down on myself, you know, like as of right now because I am not happy with my appearance,

but the problem with that is I'm not doing anything about it, you know, so I can't complain.

I can't say anything because if I'm not willing to do the work, then that's on me, you know,

and that's, it's a struggle. It's so annoying. Finally went for a walk yesterday, so we'll

see. I guess planning on doing it tonight, you know, and I'm trying to tell myself that

it's small things. Like it doesn't have to be some busy, big, crazy transformation. It

just needs to be something small. Like when I was learning to pray every night, like that's

all I got to do is I just got to take the first step and start doing it, you know? And

um, it's because of this program, my whole life where I am now is because of this program,

you know? And if you are new, really just stay, you know, just, I had no other options.

I really didn't, you know, stay for a year and see how your life goes. Because if not,

the whole wide world is waiting for you if you want it, you know? And for me, and that's

not even what I said, I listened to people that come back after going out and they say

it is so much worse and I don't want that. You know, I don't like pain. I don't. And

so I just, I'm, I'd rather do the things that I was taught here. Even when my head tells

me that I don't want to, I'd rather do that than to have to fully come back in here on

my hands and knees and just be completely done. You know, I, I found after cleaning

out my mom's stuff, I found some letters. Um, one of them was one I had written to my

daughter and it was like a goodbye letter. And the minute I started reading it, I broke

down crying and I just had all those feelings that I had when I was writing that letter.

And I am grateful that I found that because I like being reminded of that because I don't

ever want to have those feelings. Those were the worst ever, you know? And if I stay here,

if I listen to somebody else and I just keep doing the work, I don't ever have to have

those feelings, you know? And they also say, get a friend. And I say, yes, get a friend,

get many friends because you're not going to always like what your sponsor says. You're

not always going to want to talk to your sponsor, you know what I mean? But having a friend,

you're able to talk to them and you know, you won't feel as bad when they tell you you're

crazy. You can't do that, you know? Um, because Juan told me that all the time, but I also

told him that all the time too, but it's the first time I ever had a true friendship, you

know, as being in these rooms because I have people that love me enough to tell me when

I'm messing up to love me enough to not want to see me hurt or do anything, you know, to

jeopardize my life. And I am really grateful for that because the people that I had in

my life were like, go, go, go, you know, they want to see you keep, you know, going farther

down the scale. And, um, you know, I'm just really grateful for the program. I'm really

grateful that I fell in with a group that was very structured that, you know, you go

to meetings every day, you get a commitment, you do this, you do that. And like, just it

ingrained in me when I'm laying in bed and I'm like, I am not going to that meeting,

I'm not doing it. But at a certain point my body gets up and starts getting ready, even

though my head is still saying, I'm not going, I don't want to, but I get ready and I go

because my feet have been trained to do that because I don't need to listen to my head

all the time because as I'm still, I'm still not okay. I am, but I'm not, you know, I still

have my old self in here. Thank you. And it's never going to go away, but I am a part of

something that makes it to where I can have a life today and I can be okay just being

by myself. And that was never the case. I am so grateful for that. And I am grateful

for everyone that I have found in Alcoholics Anonymous to help me on this path. So thank

you guys for letting me share.