Sandra's Journey: From Silent Childhood to Recovery Community

- Everybody, I'm Miss Sandra.

I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Miss Sandra.

- Hello.

This is kind of cool.

Look at that.

Do I know anybody here?

Anyways, welcome.

I'm glad you're here.

It's kind of cool.

It's like, I was like, how did they see it?

I was like, oh, it took me a while to see this camera.

You guys are all fancy here.

Thank you for inviting me to come share with you tonight.

And I want to thank these lovely women that came

to, we had a lovely dinner before the meeting

and I'm on this text chain of just women in recovery

and I'm speaking at a meeting if anyone wants to go.

And when one person said yes, and then another,

and then it's just like this, like, oh, let's go have dinner.

It's just so, just to like put it out there.

Like what you, I mean, it's such a gift of the program

to like ask for what you need and people show up.

Like that, that's a miracle.

That wasn't happening in the home I grew up in.

You know, you didn't share anything.

You didn't have any needs.

You didn't, it wasn't safe.

And, you know, you didn't have feelings, no opinions,

no needs, none, you know, just keep your head down.

Like just don't, you know, catch the eye of the alcoholic

and just kind of keep a low profile and everything's fine.

So I love that, you know, I get to have a new experience

here, you know, and over time and welcome

if you're new, this is such a safe place

and Alcoholics Anonymous has just, you know,

changed my life.

I've been here a long time.

I start, you know, I grew up in an alcoholic home.

I thank you, Nate, for your share.

I identified with a lot of what you said.

And, you know, I too, like just never felt comfortable

in my skin.

I just always, for as far as back as I can remember,

just felt like I didn't fit in my skin.

I didn't, I was incredibly uncomfortable,

painfully uncomfortable around other people.

I didn't know what people, you know, when I was little

and even in preschool and people are playing, you know,

kids are playing on the playground.

I'm like, they're laughing.

I mean, it just seems like they're laughing.

They're having fun.

What are they talking about?

Like, what are they doing?

I just felt like it was an alien.

I was like, what is happening here?

Like that, nothing's funny.

There is no having any fun.

And I was very serious from a very young age.

And my favorite thing to do is just be by myself,

like be by myself.

Then I don't have to, you know,

I guess I don't have to have any feelings.

I don't have to deal with reality.

I don't have to deal with alcoholism.

I don't have to, you know,

feel anything I don't want to feel.

So it was just better to be invisible.

And so I spent, you know, and it's interesting because,

you know, I, my mom was that, you know,

was a stay at home mom.

But I have very little memory of her growing up.

I think I was isolating and she was isolating.

And it was, it was a long time into sobriety.

And one day, you know,

I have a beautiful relationship with my parents today

because of this program.

And, you know, and I, and I asked her if, you know,

she like, you know, had depression growing up

and she said, and we talked about that because, you know,

one of my children, you know, is, you know, had, you know,

has had problems with depression.

And I just like had this light bulb when I was like,

never my mom, like had, 'cause it, 'cause where was she?

She was in the house, but I don't know where.

Like I, you know, we were not interacting.

And so we talked about that.

We had, you know, had a real conversation about that.

And, you know, it wasn't okay to like have problems,

you know, so she had to hide that.

That wasn't something she ever got help with.

And, you know, that was so, that was so sad to me.

And I just thought, yeah, that is like the disease

of alcoholism and, you know, and her untreated alanonism,

you know, so devastating, you know, it just devastates.

It's heartbreaking how it devastates lives.

And, you know, and I grew up,

I have my brother six years older than me.

And, you know, he, you know, was a drug addict

from a young age, alcohol, you know, drinking alcohol,

all kinds of drugs.

He was kind of the wild one.

And my parents, you know,

there was a lot of alcohol in our home, a lot,

like fully stocked bars and then,

and closets with just cases of wine

and gallon bottles of vodka.

And like, just my parents like entertained

and like, they weren't like keeping track of any alcohol,

you know, so it was really a free for all.

So I was nine and my brother was 15

and he was like well into his, you know, disease.

And we lived in a small town in Kansas

and about an hour away was a bigger town

that where all of my parents' friends were.

So they, I think they decided at about that age,

it was fine for them to be gone a lot

and with their friends and we were just home

and, you know, people would come

and the parties would start and then I would just,

that's when my brother and I kind of started

actually getting along because, you know,

I'd keep my mouth shut and then I'd get like, you know,

whatever drugs and alcohol I wanted, you know.

And I just remember the first time, I was nine years old

and I mean, I had to had alcohol before then I think,

like at little family events and stuff.

But I just remember that like at that age,

like that feeling of taking in that drink

and then it just like went in,

like just to the bottom of my toes,

out to the tips of my fingers, like just this,

everything just kind of went like this.

Like, 'cause I just had felt like,

so like my outsides and my insides didn't match,

like I didn't fit in my skin, just so uncomfortable.

And this sense of ease and comfort came over me

and I just remember feeling like,

how did I not know about this?

Like, where has this been all my life?

Like, you know, and of course, you know,

when my kids were nine, I was like, that is,

I, you know, it just didn't compute in my brain,

like how old and just tired and broken

I already felt at that age.

And, you know, and alcohol was really my solution.

There was no other solution being offered anywhere

and so that was what I had access to

and I had access to a lot of it.

And if I wasn't drinking, I was planning.

I was like, I'm a really, really good poker player.

I'm a good at cards,

but I also have a really good poker face

'cause I've been lying for a very, very long time.

And I have this very sweet, you know, like a crackled face,

you know, just like, and I can just,

I could lie to you like nobody's business.

And I, you know, I totally, you know, anyways,

so that was kind of my relationship with alcohol.

I never, I don't ever feel like I crossed some invisible line

it was just like from the get-go it was on

and it was my solution for a long time.

I mean, I did, I got sober young, but it worked.

It worked when it worked.

And then as boys came in on the scene, you know,

then combine that with alcohol and, you know,

there was drama and, you know, it just, it was fantastic.

You know, it was like, I didn't have to deal with reality.

I didn't have to deal with, you know, any like feeling.

I just was like this elixir of like insanity.

And, you know, I was, you know, violent with my boyfriends,

like, you know, I punched my boyfriends,

throw things at them, you know, I've just,

and just, I was out of control.

I was just out of my mind.

Like my body was just like explosive

'cause I had so much, you know,

a lot of feelings that I didn't know how to have.

And so anger was my primary tool.

My primary feeling, because that was my sense of power.

And, you know, all the other, you know,

it was anytime I had any kind of sadness, fear,

disappointment, betrayal, grief,

any of those feelings that were not safe to have,

you know, anger was right there.

You know, anger was the thing that,

so that took a long time to, you know, to heal in sobriety.

That was not something that went away easy,

but it did go away.

You know, I don't have that impulse today, you know,

and which is a miracle because, you know, you actually,

you know, I actually have access to my feelings today.

You know, I have safe people in my life that, you know,

I can say when I need something, you know,

just coming to speak at a meeting, you know,

like five people are like, yeah, let's go, you know,

and then, you know, so I just have these amazing people

in my life, like, so when like life really happens

and I really need something, you know, I need help.

And I learned that I can ask for that, you know,

people show up and that, you know, I've learned,

I learned here how to ask for help

and that it's important to do that

because I also allow other people to be of service.

And that's what, that's how we heal here

as we get an experience of showing up for somebody.

And I mean, when I was new, I got, I was involved in this,

you know, really, I know I'm jumping around,

but that's just, come on, ride.

When I was new, I was in a really active group

and we would go help people move.

And, you know, it would just, I was like,

what does this have to do with sobriety?

Like that, you know, we would go, you know, help newcomers.

And then I would just, I would realize like on my way home

or that night, it's like, I felt so good.

Like I like thought about someone else for a minute,

you know, like, like, you know,

it's such a relief to get out of my head

and like to know that I can be of service,

that my presence matters.

You know, those are, that's like, you know,

a healing that, you know, is so profound.

Like, where does that happen?

You know, how do you go from being this kid,

like wanting to like hang out in a closet

and just like not be around anybody

and, you know, drinking daily until, you know,

passing out most of the time.

And, you know, to like being, feeling integrated,

like my insides and my outsides match today.

And I'm okay with uncomfortable feelings.

You know, I get to, you know,

I'm gonna go back to just like how I actually got sober.

You know, I just had, oh, you know,

alcohol and me were thick as thieves.

I did do some drugs, but it was really only,

'cause I just, I had so much access to alcohol

that it was not a problem.

Like that really is what did it for me.

You know, some drugs were, I only used

because I could control my alcohol use more.

I could drink more, I could drink more, longer,

how I wanted, you know, so those drugs were okay.

Those helped with the alcohol, but alcohol was the thing

that really transformed me, that inner shift.

And just, it set up this craving in me

where I just would have to take the next drink

and the next drink and the next drink.

You know, once I had that first drink, you know,

when someone sat down and showed me in the book,

the difference between like a hard drinker and an alcoholic,

that phenomenon of craving.

Once you take that first drink, you have no real choice.

There's, you can't really predict what's gonna happen.

And that I really identified with.

So my brother wound up, I'm gonna go back for a minute.

My brother wound up going to treatment.

I don't know, I think I was 17 or something.

And it really got my attention 'cause I was like,

"Uh oh, that's not good."

You know, 'cause you know, we're like, this is our thing.

And I was like, well, if he has to go to treatment,

I better like get ahold of this thing

'cause I really don't wanna do that.

And so I tried to be sober on, you know,

for, I made it like nine months,

but I'll tell you what happened.

And that nine months is like, my life fell apart.

It, I'd like things unraveled, I unraveled.

I just thought, 'cause I had zero tools.

Alcohol was my tool, you know?

And so everything fell apart

and I just thought I was losing my mind.

I probably was.

And so I made a call.

I actually had one more run in me after,

I decided it was spring break.

It was my first year of college, it was spring break.

And I thought, you know, we're in Colorado

and I could drink legally, I think.

So anyways, we were drinking and I decided that I would,

I would drink for like just this thing, you know?

But you know, I wound up,

I didn't realize that like the last call was much earlier

than I just, I wasn't prepared for the last call.

And then you're in Colorado and like everything should sit.

Like you cannot get alcohol.

So I'm in the middle of my drinking

and I can't get my next drink.

And I literally felt like I was,

I picked a fight with a bouncer, with this huge guy.

I mean, I was out of my, I was out of my mind.

And I just was like, I could not wrap my brain

around the fact that I wasn't gonna be able

to have another drink.

And I just felt like my insides were like boiling.

I just, I was like panicked.

Maybe I was having an anxiety attack.

Maybe that's what that was, I don't know.

But I, it was not, it was really painful.

And I was drinking other people's half, you know,

drinks that they'd left.

I was like, you know, I was just, I needed another drink.

And I wasn't, I wasn't able to really get one.

And so I really knew like,

that's not really a normal relationship with alcohol.

I mean, I think I like the light bulb went on, you know,

all the things that had kind of happened prior

and then watching my brother

and then just like feeling so out of control.

So I have, what time do I actually wrap up?

- 14 Martin.

- Okay, thanks.

Okay.

So I made a call,

I had an aunt that had gone to treatment for codependency.

And for some reason, I don't know what I was like called.

I thought like, well, maybe that's in my mind, what I,

how I interpreted that is like, I think I need,

I know I need help, but I didn't know what it was,

but I thought, well, maybe I could go for codependency.

Cause I think that kind of means it's other people's fault.

Like, and I can like could definitely see how my problems

were, you know, other people, you know, making.

So I, however I got there, I wound up there.

I wound up in treatment and, you know, it was,

it had treatment for codependency, but also alcohol, drug,

food, you know, sex, all kinds of everything, you know?

So, so I mean, they zeroed in on, you know, my alcoholism.

And so I wound up there, you know,

it's like four to seven weeks and I think I'll get out of

here in four weeks, you know, just, you know,

give me the books that I need to read.

And, you know, I'm a quick study, I'll figure this out.

So I was there for seven weeks and then they sent me to the,

well, they suggested that I not go back to, you know,

where I was and that I should just move on with my life.

And so they offered me like a silver living for a year.

And I just, you know, I really wasn't,

I didn't know what was going to happen.

Like, you know, but I just had that moment of willingness

where I really heard like, I cannot go back.

And I didn't want to go back.

I never wanted to feel that like out of control,

insane that I felt,

and they were offering me something different.

I didn't know if it was going to work.

I didn't know what it was, but I was like, okay, whatever.

Okay, fine.

So I went and then,

so it started my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous

and that transition kind of from treatment to AA was rocky.

It was painful.

You know, it's like, I felt like I knew things

'cause you learn so much in treatment

about the disease and stuff.

I felt like I knew a lot.

And then AA was really like, we don't care what you know,

it really matters what you do.

And what we do is we work these steps.

But the problem with those steps had a lot of God in them.

And I was not down for that.

And so I, you know,

but I knew when I was sitting in the meetings,

I went to probably three, at least three meetings a day.

My, you know, that first year out of, yeah, my first year.

Because it was the only time I felt like a little bit

of hope, like a little bit of sanity.

Like my mind was quiet.

Like I liked listening to, going to speaker meetings.

I didn't want to share.

I just wanted to kind of listen.

And it took me,

it was probably a year of going to meetings

before I actually heard my story.

And, but I just knew that there was hope in this room.

Like they remembered my name.

They welcomed me.

They, I wasn't at the meeting.

They would call me, you know, it's like, you know,

I got commitments.

I felt a part of something that was bigger than me.

And that's really just what I needed.

I just needed to have that surrender

to something bigger than me.

And the group was my higher power for a long time,

because this sitting in a meeting of however many people

that are hope hope to die alcoholics

that are sitting here sober with a message of hope

and is a power, was a power bigger than me.

And it is a power bigger than me still today.

Cause you know, there is,

there's a power greater than us here.

When we come together to, you know,

bring all of our broken bits and just, you know,

love each other.

It's, you know, that's, that is really a miracle

and a spiritual experience.

And you know, so I do remember my first AA meeting

when I got out of treatment

and there was this guy in a suit and he was like,

and I'm reading the steps on the wall

and I'm contemplating which ones I can avoid

and which ones I have to do, you know,

I wasn't going to do those God steps.

And I just thought, well, he's the president of AA.

So I'll talk to him after the meeting.

I just, I didn't know like that people just, you know,

volunteer just like tonight's is my turn to tell my story.

I mean, next week you're going to have someone else up here

and enough people, you sit here enough times,

you're going to hear your story.

You're going to hear something that you need.

And that's the beauty of this thing.

It's like, we just, we take turns at service.

We, you know, when you think about the worldwide fellowship

and how many millions and millions of millions of alcoholics

are sober today with alcohol synonymous,

that really doesn't have a structure, no one runs it.

Like it's, you know, that's, that is a miracle right there.

So, you know, they told me things when I was new

that, you know, really helped me.

They're kind of, you know, corny and, you know,

like don't leave before the miracle,

listen for the similarities and not the differences,

you know, just, you know, pick something bigger than,

as long as you're not the biggest power in your life,

this can work for you, you know,

and get somebody that can sit down, you know,

sit down with me and look at the book.

And, you know, I had people,

I've had different people in my sobriety, you know,

my sobriety dates, March 25th, 1986.

And I've gone through the steps a lot, a lot of times,

and I've had different people take me through the steps

and different people kind of work at different,

but the steps are the steps.

And I don't have to do it perfect for it to work.

I just have to do it.

And, you know, I have spent, I have been stuck

on four steps before for a very obscene amount of time.

And because my brain wants to do it perfect

so that I can be perfect so that I don't have to,

like at the end of the, at the end of the wash, right,

I can just like kind of rise above human,

be the spiritual being.

And I don't have to have any of these messy human emotions,

which is all I ever wanted to avoid with my alcohol.

So what I find out when I work through the steps

is that, you know, I can face anything in life.

I can experience any emotion that I need to experience.

I can really listen deeply to who I am.

And I have what I need when I need it.

You know, that's the relationship

with a power greater than me

that I'm never fully gonna understand.

You know, that word, as we understood God and the steps

has always been baffling to me 'cause I really, you know,

for me, I don't think I'm ever really gonna understand God

or how God works.

But I know that there are so many God shots

in my, when I'm paying attention

and sometimes when I'm really struggling,

you know, and I feel disconnected, which happens,

you know, I just, I just try and look for where,

where are the places where there's like spirit express,

you know, expressed in the world, you know,

and where can I look for that?

And it's, you know, I'm thinking about somebody

and then they call or, you know,

I run into somebody in the grocery store

that I needed to have a conversation with

or, you know, just like little things that, you know,

you know, I say yes to sponsoring somebody

that I don't know at all.

And we sit down for the first time when we start talking

and we have the exact same story.

Like, it's like, how does that happen?

Or something that's so painful that I've gone through

that they need my experience, strength and hope.

Like, so I just know that, you know, the promise that,

you know, our darkest past is our greatest asset

is like a real thing here.

But we do have to sit down in this, in Alcoholics Anonymous

and notice who's sitting next to us and,

and, you know, be here early, look for, you know,

and look for the people that are leaving early

and chase them out the door.

But you know, that, and notice whose lights,

whose eyes are dim, who need, who need like someone

to just notice them.

You know, that's how this thing just keeps going.

You know, we, we just keep passing this on.

And I, thank you, you know, the women and the men

that have gone before me, you know, I just,

I do stand on the shoulders of giants really.

And, and I didn't want to just kind of talk about my family

for a minute too, because, you know,

I had a really difficult time with my relationship

with my brother through his drug addiction.

And that was really painful.

I was sober and he wasn't.

And for a very, very long time, he's still not sober,

but he's not into having drug use.

He just like, you know, kind of drinks beer daily.

And that's, that's, you know, how he's managed it.

But the fact that he's not using drugs every day

and isn't homeless and isn't in jail anymore,

like it's amazing.

And we have a very close relationship today,

but every time I would write an adventure,

he'd be on it again.

He'd be like, I just had so many resentments.

And he's like, what is this?

You know, and I would get to the men's part and, you know,

and then one, one time through I was reading in the book

where it says, you know, we see how our character defects

brought out the worst in others.

I was like, oh, like I just, I like heard that, you know,

I'm sure I'd heard it a lot, but I like,

it really went in and it's just like, oh,

I can see I'm not a safe person for him.

I have judgment, criticism, you know, I'm punishing.

I'm, you know, I, you know, I have expectation,

unrealistic expectations.

You know, it's like all these things it's like,

didn't it make, you know, that's not, you know,

I can't have a relationship, you know,

that's not a recipe for a close relationship.

And today we, I still, you know,

he's an untreated alcoholic and so I protect myself

and I also can open my heart to him.

And I know that, you know, in my relationship with my,

you know, with my dad, you know,

just this very super controlling alcoholic in my life

that over time, you know,

my amends to him was to really just let him off the hook

for having to see me a certain way,

think I'm doing good in my life or give me anything,

any accolade, you know, it's just like,

he just off the hook, it's my job to understand him

and to see him in a different way.

So those kinds of living amends, you know,

has transformed our relationship.

And, you know, he says things today, like, you know,

I'm sure you'll figure it out, you know,

or he'll call me and ask me my opinion on something.

I mean, like that right there is a miracle.

He wants to know what I have to say today.

And that's, you know, that's kind of amazing.

My mom and I are very close.

I'm married, you know, I've been with my husband 30 years.

We've got a 21 and 24 year old that has, you know,

they've never seen us drink and, you know,

we've raised them in a sober home and that is such a gift.

You know, it's really a gift.

And, you know, where, you know,

my spiritual journey here has just, you know,

my relationship with my higher power has evolved a lot.

And, you know, I really, thank you.

I really just, you know, want to say like, you know,

when truth, you know, prayer, meditation, self, you know,

self reflection, pen to paper,

all of those things that our 12 and 12 talks about,

like the unshakable foundation for life.

When take, when practiced altogether.

And I feel like that has been the greatest gift here

is that I have an unshakable foundation for life.

And, you know, I feel like my, you know,

my insights and my outside match today.

And I know who I am, I am who I am and whatever.

I'm not one way with one person, another way with another.

You know, it's like, I'm just, I am, I feel like, you know,

my feet are planted on the ground when, you know,

a truth is revealed, I don't have to fear it.

I don't have to, like there are uncomfortable truths

sometimes that are revealed and things.

And, you know, I just know that it's an opportunity

for me to grow.

I can walk through anything.

I don't have to do it alone.

And I can be, you know, I'm just, you know,

I can go as deep as I want to go

and be as free as I want to be.

Again, just keep going here.

And I love, love, love Alcoholics Anonymous.

It is such a miracle that we're all just here

on a Saturday night, sane, sober, together.

And if you're new, really, really, really

just keep coming back.

'Cause there is a beautiful message here.

And if you haven't heard what you needed to hear,

just keep coming 'cause you will if you are an alcoholic.

So thanks so much for being here tonight.

(indistinct)